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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 08-14-2012, 04:56 AM
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Default Tears of the Prophesy

~Tears of the Prophesy~
~A Pokémon SoulSilver Nuzlocke Fan Fiction~
WARNINGS!!
  • Rated PG13+
  • Mild language
  • Violence
  • Blood and possible gore
  • Character death
  • Possible romantic triangle
  • Possible same-sex relationship
  • Use of original characters
Nuzlocke Rules:
  • Can only catch the first Pokémon in each area.
  • If a Pokémon faints, it is dead. Must be released permanently boxed.
Custom Rules:
  • Pokémon must be nicknamed.
  • Conditionals to the capture rule:
    • If the first Pokémon in a new area is a duplicate of a Pokémon already acquired or in its evolution line, then catch the first none duplicate Pokémon that appears.
      ^Is negated if the Pokémon species is deceased.
    • If a shiny Pokémon appears it may be caught.
    • Legendary Pokémon are treated as shiny Pokémon.
    • Can catch multiple Pokémon in the Bug Contest/Safari Zone.
    • Gift Pokémon, aka Pokémon that are given to the player without a trade, are exceptions to the rule.
  • Allowed only one trade to permanently switch Pokémon, otherwise trading is only allowed for evolution purposes and must trade back.
    • Pokémon in the deceased box may be traded away for the permanent switch trade.
  • All Pokémon must be caught in a standard Poké Ball. Even Legendary Pokémon.
    • Only exception is Pokémon caught in the Bug Contest/Safari Zone.
  • All revives and non-standard Poké Balls found must be sold.
    • Master Ball may be kept as a trophy but must never be used.
Chapter Index:
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Last edited by CM; 10-25-2012 at 06:11 PM.
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Old 08-14-2012, 04:57 AM
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Default Re: Tears of the Prophesy

Chapter 01
A click broke the silence, the only warning given in the still house that the front door was about to be opened. With a quiet protest the wooden door was pushed away from its frame, bringing in the mid-morning light. A shadow broke the doorway light pattern as a young girl stepped into the entryway before closing the door behind her. She had deep chestnut brown hair with auburn highlights tied back in a loose, low hanging ponytail that reached to the small of her back. Her long bangs were brushed to the left side of her face, partially covering her eye. The rich plum-colored color of her eyes seemed to go well with her hair color as well as her medium skin tone.

Turning on the heels of her russet brown hiking boots, the girl unzipped her indigo hoodie and shrugged it off her shoulders, revealing a cornflower blue tank top and faded dark blue denim shorts. She tied the outer layer of her clothing around her waist as she walked through the main entryway, walking into the main living area. Two couches, one smaller that the other, were against the walls in the far corner. A television was mounted on the wall opposite of the longest couch, and in between the two was a glass top table. There were a few bookshelves and photos against the powder blue walls, but what was resting on the forest green carpet was what caught the teen girl’s attention. There was what seemed like a heap of cream and dark blue colored fur, but when looked at closely one could see the steady rise and fall of relaxed breathing. A pointed ear twitched at the sound of footsteps approaching, but no other movement was seen as the girl approached. She kneeled down next to the mound of fur and gently stroked the coarse dark fur. A low rumble was then heard in response to the pets, bringing a smile to the one running her fingers through its fur.

“Come on, Rayner. Time to get up,” the teen gently spoke, lightly nudging the creature under her hand.

A huff was sounded as a reply to the coaxing before the creature uncurled itself, revealing that the mound of fur is a Pokémon known as Typhlosion. It stretched its powerful legs out as it arched its back, the red spots on the back of its neck and shoulders glowing a dull orange for just a moment with a yawn. Once its head was made visible from uncurling itself, a massive scar could be seen across its face. There was no fur in the area, revealing faded purple scar tissue. Its shape was almost like a bandit mask around its eyes and upper muzzle but a bit jagged around some edges. It was clearly a serious injury when it was inflicted, and many were surprised that it had survived the attack. However due to the initial injury and the severity of it, it left the creature permanently blind and its eyes sealed shut. However it didn’t need its sight in order to nuzzle the girl’s shoulder affectionately after stretching, again letting a low rumble ripple from its chest.

“I’m not surprised Rayner will move for you and not me, Spinel,” a new voice sounded over the purr like sounds.

The teen looked over her shoulder to find her mother leaning against the wall. She was a beautiful woman with waist length dark ebony hair, plum colored eyes, and smooth olive skin. She wore a knee length light sea green dress with a v-neck and was just off the shoulders. Her left hand was adorned with a copper wedding ring, which was noticed because it seemed to glow in the morning light. She smiled warmly at the teenager and the quadruped creature that had silenced its rumbling but had not moved its head from the girl’s shoulder, instead just turned one of its ears in the direction of the woman’s voice.

“Probably because she doesn’t kick me like you do, Topaz,” Rayner muttered under his breath, huffing before he nudged his face further into Spinel’s shoulder.

The teen chuckled as she then ran her fingers through the fur on Rayner’s head, making sure not to brush her fingers against the scar. “I guess Dad’s trusty Typhlosion just likes me better,” she replied, still looking up at her mother but now with an amused smile.

“Watch it, missy,” Topaz said, taking up the typical mother stance with her hands on her hips, “I can still ground you. You haven’t left on your journey just yet.”

That’s when Spinel turned away from her mother, instead looking at the Typhlosion’s dark fur as it passed under her hand with a sad smile on her face. “And it looks like I’ll have to wait a little longer.”

Even though it was in a quite tone, the older woman had heard what was said. Rayner again started to nuzzle the girl, now moving from her shoulder to her neck and under her chin. It was clear he could sense her sudden mood change as well as hear it in her voice. Topaz watched for a silent moment before she smiled, getting an idea of what might cheer her daughter up.

“How about you help me with Rayner’s battle training today?” she suggested. “You know what he can do. Why not battle with him against me and one of my Pokémon?”

Spinel looked up at her mother, a bit surprised. She was often allowed to watch, but she never actually participated in the battles. Her mother had many Pokémon, being a breeder and coordinator, so she didn’t know all of their moves. However she watched her father’s Typhlosion closely and had learned what attacks he could use as well as how he liked to battle. This would be great practice for her for when she went off to be a trainer herself. Her train of thought was interrupted when she felt something nudge her shoulder and felt more than heard a low growl.

“Come on, Spin,” Rayner said. “We can do this. I have confidence in you.”

That was all the teen needed to hear. She then turned her gaze back up to her mother, shock now replaced by determination and excitement. “Alright,” she replied.

With a quick walk through the house, the sound of the silver bangles Topaz wore on her right wrist and ankles softly clinking with every step, the women and Volcano Pokémon walked out of a glass door and into the back yard. There was a small wooden patio just outside the door decorated with a few chairs and a glass circular table. The yard itself was covered in lush green grass other than a large pond in the back of the property and a makeshift dirt battlefield. The yard was lined with all kinds of bushes, becoming a natural fence.

Topaz stepped off of the patio and into the yard, signing in content as her bare feet came into contact with the soft blades of grass. She then made her way to the field, her daughter and husband’s prized partner a few steps behind. Once on their chosen sides, Topaz whistled. At the sound a bush on her side of the field started shaking before a large badger-like creature jumped out from the branches. It had sleek cream-colored fur with brown strips that resembled arrows, bright blue eyes, and long claws on its paws. It ran right past the woman and onto the battlefield, taking its spot and standing on its hind legs. It had a confident smirk on its face and head slightly tilted to the right, reflecting the confidence its trainer also showed on her face.

“Kohana will be your opponent.”

Again Spinel eyes shined with surprise, but now also a bit of uncertainty. She has seen Kohana in action in her mother’s contests. He was one of her top performers. Not only was he swift but also powerful. Even for experienced trainers he was a tough opponent to beat. She has never even been in a training battle before and wasn’t sure how well she would work with her father’s Pokémon.

“Spinel,” the Typhlosion barked, turning somewhat so the teenager could see the side of his face, “you need to relax. Don’t think about anything but this battle. Trust me as I trust you and we will succeed.”

It was evident that the young soon-to-be trainer had not expected to hear that, but it was what needed to be said. Taking a deep breath to calm herself down, she took a moment to also take all other thoughts out of her head except for the battle she was about to have. She would face many strong trainers on her travels and ultimately this would be an experience that would be appreciated. When she opened her eyes again, her plum irises again reflected the excitement she felt. She saw Rayner nod with a small smile, sensing the change, before again turning to fully face the Linoone he was going to battle.

“Then we’ll have the first move,” Spinel said. “Let’s start things off with Flamethrower!”

The red spots on the back of Rayner’s neck started to glow, and then with a mighty roar a brilliant flame flared to life from the spots and formed a half collar. It was then that the Typhlosion twisted his head around and parted his jaws after the battle cry, shooting a powerful stream of fire at the badger-like opponent. However Kohana didn’t seem fazed and continued to smirk. After a quick moment and without a command he jumped out of the fire’s path. He knew that was what his trainer had wanted him to do, having battled with her for so long in contest battles.

“Counter with Thunder Wave,” Topaz spoke, calmly and still looking as confident as when the battle started.

At the height of his jump Kohana slightly curled into himself, building up electrical energy. However the sparks that jumped and arched about his fur had a blue glow to it instead of the more common yellow. After hovering but a moment he quickly uncurled and pointed his paws towards his blind opponent, sending blue electricity flying at him. If it hit then the fire-type would be paralyzed, and that would be a huge advantage for the normal-type Pokémon. However Rayner’s ears twitched as soon as the sparks appeared, hearing the small crackling noise they made against Kohana’s pelt. Even if he could not see his opponent, he could still hear him and because of that he knew exactly where he was.

“Dodge using Quick Attack,” Spinel then said, not needing to wait another second.

The Typhlosion dropped to all fours and then sprinted forward, faster than he normally would. His speed had increased with the technique, and using the momentum gained he then jumped and head butted the Linoone in his stomach. The badger gasped as his breath was knocked out of him; he and the fire Pokémon then letting gravity bring them back down. Rayner landed back on his feet while Kohana landed on his back, bringing up a dust cloud with the impact. As the dust started to clear the Rushing Pokémon started to stand. When it shook its fur out, a soft chime was heard. Rayner’s head tilted at the sound and Spinel seemed a bit confused. It as then that the young woman noticed something was tied around her mother’s Pokémon’s neck. A small, shell shaped bell hung from a necklace made of thin but durable string that was well hidden in the Pokémon’s thick fur.

“You gave Kohana a Shell Bell?” Spinel asked her mother, surprised she just now noticed the item.

Topaz chuckled, amused with her daughter’s reaction. “He’s had it for a while, dear. I only take it off of him when we’re traveling between places so he can pick up stray items.”

This was going to be a problem. If Spinel remembered correctly the item healed injuries gradually during a battle, but the healing is minimal every time it chimes. So if she and Rayner could keep up the attack then they could cause more damage than the Shell Bell could heal. With new determination and confidence in herself and her battle partner, she was going to see this until the match was called.

“Ray, let’s use SmokeScreen!”

Rayner again twisted his head, but this time instead of flames coming forth from his parted jaws a steady stream of think, black smoke started to cover the battlefield. Kohana stood on his hind legs to try to get out of the smoke, but soon the cloud was taller than him. He then started to cough when he inhaled the smoke into his lungs as well as closing his eyes when it started to irritate them. The effects of the technique did not affect the fire-type, already being blind and used to inhaling the smoke. It was then that Topaz lost some of the confidence in herself; in it’s place pride shined brightly in her eyes. She noticed that her daughter was using a move that put the favor of victory in her hand, using what most would consider a disadvantage as an advantage. The young woman was already showing signs of being an excellent trainer.

“Follow up with Flame Wheel!”

Rayner took a quick moment to listen, pinpointing where Kohana was by his ragged breathing and coughing. Once he knew where his target was, the flames on the back of his neck grew larger before he jumped and rolled into a ball. He continued to spin, coating himself in flame before he dropped back down and rolled forward. The Linoone noticed too late what was happening and was hit in the left shoulder by the fire-type attack. The force of the blow knocked him out of the smoke and he rolled a bit before coming to a stop. The wind had picked up then and blew the smoke clear off the field. Now the Typhlosion was clear in view and it was now noticeable that he was breathing a bit heavily, though it was subtle.

“Shake it off, Kohana,” Topaz then said as her partner started to stand back on all fours before shaking his fur out. “Now let’s get back in the game by using Ice Beam!”

Kohana got back on his hind paws, and brought his two front ones closer together. Between his claws a small light blue orb started to form. It crackled with energy as it expanded, the normal-type needing to widen the space between his paws to make room for it. Once it reached its maximum size the ball was then shifted to the badger’s right paw, which he then brought back as if to throw it.

“Quick, Rayner! Flamethrower!”

The large quadruped once again shot flames from his jaws, this time however after dropping down to all of his paws, just as the badger brought his paw with the light orb forward and launching a beam from it that instantly chilled the air around it. The two powerful techniques met in the middle of the field, twisting into each other for a moment before causing an explosion. Smoke and dust then covered the whole field, blinding both Pokémon and trainers. It took some time for the dust to settle and when it did the Typhlosion and Linoone were taking some deep breaths in attempt to regain some of the energy used in their last attacks.
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Last edited by CM; 08-24-2012 at 12:53 AM.
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Old 08-14-2012, 04:58 AM
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Default Re: Tears of the Prophesy

It was then that Topaz laughed, the sound almost musical. This caused Spinel to looked a bit confused, especially when the two Pokémon deeply sighed and relaxed. It was then that the younger woman realized that it must be the end of the battle. There was no point in pushing them any harder, especially Rayner. He has been off the battlefield for a long time and needed to get used to battling again. She then allowed herself to release the breath she wasn’t aware she was holding.

“That was excellent, my darling,” Topaz said as the crossed the field. “Taking full advantage of Rayner’s advanced hearing with the SmokeScreen. I don’t think anyone else could have done that so well. And it showed that he trusts you as well as you being confident in him. You will make a fantastic trainer.”

Once Topaz was in front of her daughter she placed a hand on Spinel’s head. She could see the slight embarrassment in her daughter’s eyes, but it just amused her. The young woman could be modest and did not have that much confidence in herself just yet. But with what the coordinator saw today on the battlefield she had no doubt that Spinel would go far with Pokémon. Even with family Rayner was strong willed and didn’t like to listen to anyone other than Garnet, Spinel’s father as well as Rayner’s trainer. The Typhlosion was fond of his trainer’s daughter but never would Topaz thought that he would battle so well with her, almost as if they’d been battling together for years.

“I’m serious. You did well.” The older woman then let her hand drop as she turned to the fire-type. “And so did you. Excellent work for your first real battle practice.”

Rayner just huffed before he and Kohana then made their way back to the house. With an amused chuckle Topaz patted her daughter’s shoulder before following them, knowing that they’d want some water after that workout. Once along the young woman then turned to the lake that was just a few feet away from the field. She was able to cross over to it with a few strides, untying her hoodie from around her waist and putting it back on with the zipper up half way, and once near the water’s edge she lowered herself to the ground. Wrapping her arms around her bent knees Spinel then rested her head on her legs, just watching the shimmering water. She was happy that her mother thought highly of her, but was uncertain if she could live up to it. There would be no way she could be a great trainer like her father, and she didn’t have interest in contests.

The high of battling with Rayner was fading and her mood from before was resurfacing. She had gone to Professor Elm’s lab earlier that morning to receive a starter Pokémon. However when she got there she had learned that not only was there none left but he had also only had two. It wouldn’t have mattered if she had gotten there earlier since the one she wanted as her partner would have been unavailable either way. She sighed, trying not to get too depressed. Trying to clear her mind of thoughts she didn’t notice the small air bubbles forming in the lake, not for from where she was sitting at its edge. It was only when the water rippled when something surfaced did it drew her attention, bringing her gaze to the source of the disturbance.

A crocodilian head broke the surface of the still lake, only revealing its eyes and nose. Its scales were a deep sky blue color with the Egyptian blue pattern around its red eyes being the only visible exception. For a moment it just stared at the young woman before it started to move forward. Spinel uncurled herself before crossing her legs and just watching the reptile swim towards her. She was rather calm as she watched the smooth movements the creature made. If anything she was a little surprised to see it in the lake. As it got closer more of its head started to surface from the water due to it becoming shallower. More of the crocodile was revealed as it started to walk the lake bottom instead of swimming, a jonquil yellow v-shape pattern on its chest and amaranth red ridges on its back and tail now visible. It stopped near the water’s edge, now ankle deep in the lake, and continued to look at the woman.

“A Totodile?” Spinel asked quietly to no one in particular.

“Hi,” the water-type greeted. “I saw your battle. You and your Typhlosion are impressive.”

Spinel was a bit taken aback and blinked before she shook her head. “Rayner isn’t my Pokémon. I was just helping him get back into battling.”

Now it was the Totodile’s turn to look surprised. “You can understand what I say?”

Spinel hummed and nodded in response. “I’ve always been able to understand Pokémon language, and so far I’m the only one. I haven’t met another person who can.”

The water type then finished climbing out of the water after a moment, sitting next to Spinel. Both just watched the lake for some time, it feeling longer to both that it actually was. It may have been a couple minutes before the Totodile then looked back up at the young woman. It was then that she noticed her attire, which led to the blue croc getting an idea. It got up and walked over to the human girl, getting a closer look at her hoodie. After examining the article of clothing the Pokémon then started to climb up the young woman’s left arm. Spinel turned when she felt it but only observed instead of stopping it. Once on her shoulder the Totodile then climbed into the hood of her hoodie. It moved around a bit before poking its head back out and resting it on Spinel’s shoulder with a content sigh, looking happy and comfortable in the position. This earned a chuckle from the brunette.

“Comfortable?”

“Very.”

Spinel just watched the Totodile for a moment. She wasn’t uncomfortable with the added weight but was in face comforted with it. It was then that she got an idea. She could only hope that it would work.

“Totodile?” she spoke softly in case it had fallen asleep. She got a hum in reply, meaning that the water-type was listening. “Do you have a trainer?”

The Totodile looked up from its spot and shook it’s head. “No. Not yet, anyway.” Realization then seemed to hit it. “Do you want to be my trainer?”

“Only if you want to be my partner. I won’t force you.”

It was less than a second after she spoke that the Totodile start to nuzzle the side of her face and neck affectionately. Spinel laughed before she placed her hand on the Pokémon’s head, stroking the surprisingly soft scales. After both had calmed down they were smiling at one another. They just knew they now had a friend in each other.

“Are you going to name me, Trainer?”

Spinel chuckled. “You don’t have to call me that. My name’s Spinel. I’d like to give you a name, however to be honest I can’t tell if you’re a boy or girl.”

“Girl.”

After a moment of thinking and having taking a quick look at the lake, the perfect name came to mind. “I’ll call you Ren. It means water lily.”

The Totodile seemed to like it and again rubbed against Spinel’s cheek. It was then that the young woman stood up, zipping her hoodie up to just below her collarbone to make sure that the clothing didn’t fall off with Ren’s weight. She then patted the water-type on the head before she turned to head back to the house.

“Then let’s go tell Mother and then see Professor Elm. After that you and I can start our journey.”
Conclusion
Spoiler:
Obtained in Chapter

Ren
Ability: Torrent
Nature: Mild
Somewhat vain
Currently on Team

Ren
Item: none
Boxed
none
Rest In Peace
none
OoC: So I'm thinking of putting a question at the end of some of the chapters. For the first person to get it right they can choose the topic of a bonus chapter. I will be having a few pop up from time to time, most probably going more in depth of a particular character that is in this series. I would like opinions on this, like if it's a good idea or not, as well as if I do the idea if people would actually answer the question and like the idea of choosing a bonus chapter context.
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Last edited by CM; 08-24-2012 at 12:29 AM.
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Old 08-16-2012, 02:16 PM
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Default Re: Tears of the Prophesy

First off, do yourself a favor and do NOT do that. Bonus Chapters, done with enough frequency, can make it seem like the story progression is going to be slower than it is (unless you're doing it to the point where it actually is taking a hit). I don't think you'll get that level of popularity, and for some reason people seem to dislike posting in one's story if it's good, though both are just likely occurances and not dead-set, so it may be possible. That's really just my opinion on it, though. Even if you do want to, do it only to clarify foggy concepts that people may pelt you questions over, maybe answer a few readers questions if you feel like you should, and HAVE the topic in mind for the bonus chapter already if it's neither of the above. I wouldn't leave it up to fans to completely decide the chapters. If you are going to go with it, just put two different focuses for the bonus chapter down and ask who gets what.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, I'm just advising you on it, so I'm sorry if that came off as rude.

On another note, is this an ongoing Nuzlocke, or have you finished it already? Moreover, are you going to end it by beating the Champion or by beating Red?
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Last edited by Latio-Nytro; 08-16-2012 at 02:19 PM.
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Old 08-16-2012, 06:03 PM
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Default Re: Tears of the Prophesy

I didn't think of it that way. But that's why I asked, to get other people's point of views. I don't want to have a ton of bonus chapters, just a couple that help bring a little more light to some characters. I got the idea when I saw a Nuzlocke comic that did bonus strips that just focus on a character instead of the story to get a better understanding of the character. I do thank you for our advise since you did show me another side of the idea. Apparently I didn't think it through completely, having gotten the idea while typing the first chapter and working on the OCs that will replace Ethan and Silver.

It's ongoing. This is because I have no way of recording it and I don't even think about taking notes while playing. But I've won my third badge recently so I have quite a bit to work with. As for if it'll end after Lance or Red, I'm not completely sure. It may depend on how the story progresses. For now I'm just aiming at Lance, but if it goes well and people would like me to continue Spinel's story I'll aim for Red.

EDIT: When you say people seem to dislike to post in stories if they're good, I'm not going to disagree. Some writer's might not like to see a lot of posts in their stories. But I on the other hand want feedback. It's been a while since I've tried to write a multi-chapter story, so I would really like people to post their comments, good or bad. It'll help me want to continue to write this with positive feedback and with constructive criticism I can improve my skills. I actually get a bit discouraged when I don't see that many posts compared to the high number of views.
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Last edited by CM; 08-16-2012 at 09:41 PM.
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Old 08-23-2012, 10:27 PM
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Default Re: Tears of the Prophesy

Quote:
She knelled down next to the mound of fur and gently stroked the coarse dark fur.
Kneeled.

Quote:
When she opened her eyes again, her plum irises again reflected the excitement she felt.
May want to change that to 'plum-coloured'. Otherwise it implies that her eyes are made of fruit.

Quote:
It was then that Topaz laughed, the sound almost musical to some.
It does not matter what 'some' people think; in this sentence, the only opinion necessary is the narrator's. If the laugh is musical, go ahead and say so.



Now, with the technicalities out of the way.

Firstly, I like how you write. The grammar and word choice is pretty sensible, and the battle went well. My only problem is one that a lot of people, including myself, have trouble with: description. I noticed that, at the beginning, you gave us detailed descriptions of every character; the fact of the matter is, not all of that was really necessary. All that we need to get an image of Spinel is her hair, eyes, and skin tone, possibly her hoodie. Same with her mother. We don't need to know about the bangles on her mom's wrist unless they make a clinking noise whenever she moves her hand. A better time to go into more detail on that would be in subsequent appearances, when looks are more important; for example, when Spinel inevitably gets dressed to impress for her journey as a Trainer, that would be the best time to go back into the description you gave earlier and talk about her clothes.

Another tip: be sure to mention the species of Pokémon at the end of the section you give to describing it. My first thought upon seeing Rayner's description was that he was some kind of cross between a Stoutland and an Umbreon, which is a... problem. Only later when you mentioned his species did I realize that the description actually made sense. To avoid more confusion like this (and embarrassing explanations, ahaha), it's best to clarify exactly which species we're talking about here before you move on to the next thing. This isn't much of a problem normally, since generally when a Pokémon is described it will do something in the narrative (and therefore be named) shortly after, but because we moved right into describing Topaz that opportunity was missed.

Onto the story itself. To be honest I was pretty unsure about the explanation Spinel gave on her Pokémon speaking ability, but that's only because when the "I've always been able to do it and I'm the only one I know of who can" reasoning appears in stories, it is often the only explanation we'll get. If you haven't already, it would probably be a good idea to make this ability a plot point later, explaining how she got it or having her meet another character who can.

Last note: please pick a font that is easier to read, or stick to the default. I know that's the style you put your posts in, but a lot of people will turn away at the door as soon as they see formatting that hinders their reading.
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Last edited by Giratina; 08-24-2012 at 01:42 AM.
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Old 08-24-2012, 12:11 AM
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Default Re: Tears of the Prophesy

First off I'd like to thank you so much for pointing out those mistakes of mine. It went without proofreading so I knew there would be some. It is much appreciated.

I have always had a bit of a hard time with descriptions. I've either put too little or too much. It has been a while since I've tried to write a story like this, so I wasn't sure. I know I wanted to describe Spinel entirely since I planned on skipping over the part when she's preparing for her journey so I wouldn't have to go back and go into more detail later on unless her outfit changes. For other characters I'll be sure to remember that I don't need to describe every detail in their first appearance and just give enough for their basic image.

I didn't really notice that, but I can see now how that will be a problem. As the writer I can easily see what Pokemon it is, but as a reader it is a different story. I failed to see from that point of view. I'm still not sure how you could see a mix between a Stoutland and Umbreon, but everyone's imagination is different. I'll be sure to put this advice into immediate use.

For Spinel's speaking ability, I do have a plot plan for it. I did not put that in there to be like every other trainer story. However I don't want to spoil it. In this universe it is an uncommon trait, plus for a bit of background I will say that Spinel has never left New Bark Town. She hasn't had the opportunity to meet other trainers who could have this ability. There will be other characters that have it that will appear as the story progresses, as to why she has it herself.

I wasn't aware that the font I used was difficult for some to read. I guess that's because I can read it so easily. However with its current size I can see it being a little hard for others to read. I'll look through the fonts and choose one that would be better to use, since personally I'd rather not use the default font setting.

Again I thank you for all your constructive critics, Giratina. It feels good that you like the way I write, and everything you pointed out and explained will help me become a better writer overall instead of just for this story. I do hope that when I post the second chapter to this story that you will read it and see that everything you said was taken to heart and less little mistakes were made, if any at all.

EDIT: The errors and advice you pointed out for the first chapter have been fixed and put into place., other than taking out some of the details about Spinel's outfit since I'd like to keep those in the first chapter.
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Old 08-24-2012, 01:35 AM
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Default Re: Tears of the Prophesy

Yeah, the Umbreon-Stoutland thing was weird. It just... confused me, since the way you described the fire spots sounded more like an Umbreon's glowing rings, and Typhlosion and Stoutland have similar body types and colors. Guess I haven't read enough Pokémon fic lately, haha.

Just checking on the talking-to-Pokémon rule. It's not a problem by any definition -- I used it for several characters myself -- and as long as there's some in-universe nod to why it's there, then I'm fine with it. Also, I did get the idea that she had never left her small town; it was pretty much the justification I thought of for why she had never seen anyone else have her power.

This is what the font looked like on my computer, and reading two posts' worth was not an easy feat. I remember thinking several times that if the author had just moved the font up a size it would have been fine, but then, it would probably look very awkward otherwise.

I'm definitely look forward to the next chapter. o/
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Old 08-24-2012, 02:00 AM
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Default Re: Tears of the Prophesy

That does look smaller than it does on my computer. However if I go up in size with this font, it'd be too big. So it was just better to change it. I'll be sure to do my best to explain as to why understanding Pokemon speech is an uncommon trait and why some trainers still have the ability when others don't. I'm still working out on the details, but I'm sure that once I get those worked out it should be good.

And I'm off to work more on the next chapter. Hopefully I'll have that up in a couple of days when I'm not working on house projects. :3
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Old 10-25-2012, 05:29 AM
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Chapter 02
The next couple of hours had been eventful. After Professor Elm’s ecstatic reaction to Ren he then asked Spinel to run an errand for him. No Pokédex or Pokéballs to send her off with. He just sent her out to find Mr. Pokémon’s house to get an egg. Not how the young trainer pictured her journey to start. However she wasn’t about to complain about it. It just meant that she and Ren could get some experience battling on the way. And they did just that with all the wild Rattata, Pidgey, and Weedle. The last of the three were the ones that the duo was most careful with, knowing that the small bugs could poison the Totodile. That would have been a very bad situation to be in.

Nonetheless they made it to Cherrygrove City and then to Mr. Pokémon’s house on Route 30. That was where she had a chance encounter with Professor Oak. He commented on how Spinel and Ren already had a close bond, and afterwards gave her the latest version of the Pokédex. The trainer then wasted no time in getting the mysterious egg and then quickly made it back to New Bark Town. With the egg safely delivered and one final goodbye to home, where she also got five Pokéballs from her mother, the new team was ready to head out.

“I hope we don’t have to see the crazy professor again,” Ren muttered, once again curled into the hood of Spinel’s jacket.

“I would have to agree. Elm’s a little…”

“Bipolar, if you ask me.”

The new voice startled the two. They looked forward to where Route 20 was marked, and leaning against the sign was a woman around Spinel’s age. The new girl had shamrock green hair tied back in a ponytail, her eyes currently closed. Her arms were crossed over her chest, which was covered by a black sleeveless top that had a teal button vest over that. Finishing the outfit was a sleek dark green pencil skirt. When she opened her eyes, Spinel couldn’t help but notice how bright the mint green color was.

“So you must be the girl my brother talked about this morning,” she continued, drawing Spin out of her semi-trance. “He was disappointed when you didn’t show up to get a Pokémon. I’m sure he would have given up his for you since there were only two this time.”

“You’re talking about Jasper?” Spinel asked, finally finding her voice.

Jasper was a childhood friend of hers with tawny colored hair that’s usually cut short and saffron yellow eyes. He had spent a lot of time at her house; always excited to see what new Pokémon her parents had caught. He did have a twin sister, but she never joined him. However he did speak of his sister from time to time, and from how he describe her Spinel suspected that this could be her.

“That would be my brother,” she said. “I’m Jayde. And I see you’ve gotten yourself a Pokémon.”

Ren now had her front paws on Spinel’s shoulder, the upper half of her body out of the hood. She growled at Jayde, not liking her presence. Spinel was a bit surprised with the Totodile’s reaction, having gotten the impression that she was a bit laid back when it came to meeting new people. However the trainer couldn’t shake the feeling that perhaps Jayde could be more trouble than she’s worth.

“Since we both have Pokémon, why not battle? That is what trainers do, after all.”

Spinel wasn’t so sure, and her hesitance was evident. However it seemed like Ren had other plans. She dug her claws into her trainer’s shoulder, using just enough pressure for it to be noticed and not painful. Uncertain purple eyes met red determined ones.

“Let’s do it,” Ren said. “We’ll show her. We’ve been training all day so far and got a lot of experience from traveling to Mr. Pokémon’s and back.”

With a slow nod, the Totodile then jumped off of her shoulder and stood ready for battle. Jayde seemed amused and withdrew a Pokéball from her light brown shoulder bag. With a quick flick of her wrist the small sphere was tossed in the air and opened. Once the white light cleared there was a pale green quadruped Pokémon with a large, dark green leaf on its head with matching leaf buds around its neck. It had very large red eyes that were easy to read. The Chikorita looked excited for a battle and determined to be victories. It even looked more confident with it realized Ren would be its opponent.

“A water-type?” the Chikorita scoffed, its voice deeper than one would think it’d be but not overly so. “This will be too easy. We got this one.”

“Don’t underestimate me!” Ren growled, on all fours and her back arched up.

“Sorrel and I will let you have the first move, Spiny,” Jayde said, a confident smirk curving her lips.

Spinel’s gaze hardened, something unlike her. “You’ll regret saying that.”

---

The battle with Jaye wasn’t that difficult, thanks to how strong Ren had gotten on their errand, but it was still a challenge. As soon as the battle was over Spinel had went back home to get her partner healed, and was also given some Pokéballs from her mother. Now she could catch a new teammate. With everything all set, the duo once again headed for Route 29.

Walking the beginning of the Route, there were no Pokémon in sight. Jayde had gone this way as well, but surely she couldn’t have beaten off all the wild Pokémon with how damaged her Chikorita was after their battle. There weren’t even any Pidgey around… Or so she thought. A small sound alerted her of a wild Pokémon in a nearby patch of grass. Ren lowered herself on the ground, ready to attack if needed. Spinel walked up to the patch and pulled away the grass, seeing a pile of feathers. When it moved that’s when the young woman became worried. She scooped the tan bird in her arms, turning to Ren.

“Come on, girl. Let’s not waste time getting back to Cherrygrove!”

The reptile nodded, quickly jumping into the hood of her trainer’s hoodie so she wouldn’t slow her down. Once she was secure Spinel stood back up and then started to run. She could feel the Pidgey’s breathing was shallow and slow, its heartbeat rapid. She just hoped she could get him to the Center in time…

---

Luckily there were no incidents getting to Cherrygrove City. If there were any wild encounters then Spinel had just ignored them. Her main concern was for the small flying-type she found. The Pokémon Center was not currently busy, so Nurse Joy was able to see to the wild bird immediately. It was nerve wracking, waiting to hear on his condition. Once he was stable was when she was able to check in on the bird. He was laying on one of the beds, some bandages covering his body, and appeared to be asleep. But when Spinel approached to sit in the chair next to the bed he opened his eyes, turning his gaze to her.

“Don’t worry. I’m not here to hurt you,” the young woman spoke softly, sitting down slowly to not alarm the wild Pokémon. “I brought you here to get help. I hope you’re feeling better.”

The Pidgey tilted his head to the side, his brown eyes shining with curiosity. He then laid his head back on the mattress, still looking at the young trainer.

“Stupid grass-type took me by surprise,” he said.

Ren growled. “Sorrel, I’m guessing. He’s a Chikorita, and his trainer and mine aren’t the best of friends.”

Spinel shook her head. “Ren, don’t be like that. You don’t need to make it sound like Jayde and I are enemies.”

The Pidgey turned to the girl. “You understand us? Most humans don’t.”

“I do, but I don’t know why. I hope to learn the answer on my journey.”

“Journey?”

“That’s right! Spinel and I are on our way to take on the Johto League!”

“If you’d like, you can join us,” the trainer offered.

The Pidgey seemed to think it over, and then he nodded. “I think I will,” he replied. “The name’s Shikoba, but you can call me Shiko. Nice to meet ya two.”
Conclusion
Spoiler:
Obtained in Chapter

Shikoba
Ability: Tangled Feet
Nature: Lonely
Somewhat of a clown
Currently on Team

Ren
Item: none

Shikoba
Item: none
Boxed
none
Rest In Peace
none
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Old 10-26-2012, 09:37 PM
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Hello! :D I finally got to readin' this last night! (Ah, but since it was last night I forgot where I found a typo xDDD SO I'll just offer some HEY AWESOME READ feedback xD)

Anyway, this is pretty interesting so far ^^ I certainly like the different take on SoulSilver you're taking so far, especially with the rival (Or I think Jayde's a rival?) But it seems like you're doing a bit too much skimming--then again, I'm not sure how much into detail most Storylockes go into. I can understand doing that with those annoying Wild Pokemon encounters (which I wonder if you could skip altogether in the story--I'm not sure yet, though, since I'm still experimenting with that in my Nuzlocke too xD), but I think I would have liked to see more detail in the battle versus Jayde. It certainly would have been interesting to read about how a water type took out a grass type (even though none of them actually know how to use elemental moves yet, lol). It would have given some oppurtunity to delve more into each character's personality. Jayde and her Chikorita seem interesting ^^

And personally, I don't mind having a person understand Pokemon in a story--it helps to bring out the Pokemon's character, I think--but I would like to see perhaps some explanation as to why she can hear them. Maybe just some background history or something we can find out later on that doesn't necessarily have much to do with the plot. We know why N can hear them, and it's mostly logical. It'd be cool to learn why Spinel can ^^

Also... I want to learn more about this Jasper guy ^^ He sounds like a sweetie, if he would have been willing to give up his Pokemon for Spinel :)
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Old 10-26-2012, 10:32 PM
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Thank you so much for taking the time to leave a comment, Char! It means a lot :3

I know I'm doing a lot of skipping in the beginning, but as things really get going I won't be skipping as much. But really, the journey to Mr Pokemon's House was not necessary for the story since you only see the guy once. With the battle again Jayde it would have just been Tackles and Scratches, which would not be fun at all to write. That was why it took so long to write this chapter. I just could not figure out a way to make Tackle vs Scratch exciting. But I will probably add more encounters with them outside of battle so I can show off their personalities, since I'm not following the game exactly. And on a side note, Ren had learned Water Gun at this point in the game if I remember correctly, but clearly Scratch was doing more damage.

In this story I replaced Silver with Jayde and Jasper is replacing Ethan. Personally I think they're overused, and since I'm using my own universe they just wouldn't have fit in the story. So original characters were in order. And just a heads up for anyone reading, I will have one of my more... famous OCs make a cameo. Perhaps she'll help Spinel understand why she can understand Pokemon when almost everyone else cannot? I do have a reason as to why our protagonist can, but for now it shall remain a mystery >:3
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Old 10-27-2012, 06:33 AM
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Default Re: Tears of the Prophesy

Quote:
Originally Posted by CM View Post
[COLOR="Black"][FONT="Book Antiqua"][INDENT]Thank you so much for taking the time to leave a comment, Char! It means a lot :3
Hey, no prob! :D I've been meaning to read this, and I'm glad I had the chance! :D I'm excited to see where this goes! ^^ *also needs to go read some certain little Short Stories~*

Quote:
Originally Posted by CM View Post

I know I'm doing a lot of skipping in the beginning, but as things really get going I won't be skipping as much. But really, the journey to Mr Pokemon's House was not necessary for the story since you only see the guy once. With the battle again Jayde it would have just been Tackles and Scratches, which would not be fun at all to write. That was why it took so long to write this chapter. I just could not figure out a way to make Tackle vs Scratch exciting. But I will probably add more encounters with them outside of battle so I can show off their personalities, since I'm not following the game exactly. And on a side note, Ren had learned Water Gun at this point in the game if I remember correctly, but clearly Scratch was doing more damage.
Oh, I see. LoL, that's fair enough xD I'm finding that Nuzlocke's present a bit of a challenge when it comes to stories... Certain mechanics from the game HAVE to apply xD Hmm, you might have been able to skip the adventure to Mr. Pokemon's House altogether in that perspective, since it really doesn't have much to do with your story plot so far. But I will look forward to seeing more of the rival's personality, then ^^

Quote:
Originally Posted by CM View Post

In this story I replaced Silver with Jayde and Jasper is replacing Ethan. Personally I think they're overused, and since I'm using my own universe they just wouldn't have fit in the story. So original characters were in order. And just a heads up for anyone reading, I will have one of my more... famous OCs make a cameo. Perhaps she'll help Spinel understand why she can understand Pokemon when almost everyone else cannot? I do have a reason as to why our protagonist can, but for now it shall remain a mystery >:3
Ah, gotcha ^^ LoL, I'm pretty sure I know who it is xD And ooooh... *plot thickens* Haha, I'm lookin' forward to that explanation, however distant it might be :D
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