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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 07-25-2012, 06:56 AM
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Default The Great Karp Catch! Part 1 ( Ready to be graded!)

"Well folks, its that time again! The Lake Rage park district is proud to present the official grand opening of the great Karp Catch !" These words echo over a crowd of excited fisherman.

While the Magikarp itself is considered to be a joke among trainers, this competition draws in a huge crowd. Fisherman from all over the globe come to participate. Each person fighting for a chance to hold the coveted King Karp Trophy. The biggest Magikarp of the season is suppose to bring lucky to whomever catches it. Its also said that the biggest Magikarp produces the season strongest Gyarados. Pardon my language when I say the biggest Karp is a load a crap. Statistically speaking you were more likely to find a viable option further up stream. This is the starting point of the great migration, the weaker pokemon have yet to fall off. Finding a strong Magikarp here would be extremely difficult.
I have to remind myself why I am here. This wasn't about me, it was about her. This competition is all she has talked about for the last couple of months. There's no way I could have said no to this. Every time she smiles at me I damn near forget my name. I watch as she walks back from the boat rental shake with the paddles in her hands. She smiles at me as she climbs into one of the boats. A soft breeze passes through her fiery red hair, it carries the sent of strawberries drifting towards me.

"Max" She says with lite smile, "Day dreaming is not going to get this boat moving."

"If you weren't so charming, I might take that as sarcasm." I respond back with a grin.

I walk over still half dazed from the wonderful thoughts of chasing her through the strawberry fields. As I climbed in t I can't help but feel like one those guys who went over waterfalls in the sealed wooden bucket. This thing was somewhere in between dugout and a life raft. I felt the wood bulky as I sat down. Once inside I reach for Ariel's pokeball. There is no way Im going through this without her following along. As I pull the pokeball off my belt I press the button and it expands in my hand. I hold the ball towards the water and a bright flash of light sends Ariel out. She disappears under water for a second to get the feel of where she is at, when she finally reappears she squirts me with water as if to say hello. Kelsey watches from the other side of the boat chuckling.

"You know this a fishing contest right?" She says as she leans forward to take my hand.

I look down at the crooked wooden fishing poll below my feet. My eyes slowly drift up towards her and we a grin.

"I'm here to support you, my love."

I try to use my charm to get out of this but she doesn't seem to be having any of that. She lets go of my hands as she reaches down and picks up her rod.

"Now, you do.."

I can't help but laugh as I reach down and pick it up. I examine this strange piece of wood as if I have never seen one before. After a examining it, I respond.

"Okay I get it, but maybe we should paddle out a little further before fishing." I say with sarcastic smirk.

She looked over with a smile and nodded her head. We set the fishing rods down and grabbed the paddles. We than slowly started to row towards the middle of the lake. The boat moved left and right as we adjusted our rows to be more in sync with each other. Soon the boat was picking up a little speed as we headed towards the center. As we rowed further out the other boat started to separate, each fisherman claiming their own piece of the lake.
Lake Rage stretches out for miles, its one of the largest bodies of water in Johto. As we rowed further out I couldn't help but take in this wondrous site. I found it very difficult as the water stretched out as far as the eye could see. I can't help but feel bad for Ariel, she's use to traveling much faster than this. While, she seems content to just slowly follow behind I can tell she is getting antsy. Every so often she disappears under water, I can only imagine she is exploring the depths of the lake. I try to catch a glimpse of a passing pokemon but there is no way to see from my position.

“Max, keep rowing ! We're almost there.”

I paddle harder and harder to get the boat to where she needs to be. I can feel the wood chips from the paddle press into my palm as the I pull the paddle out water and push it back in. A few minute later and Kelsey stops.

“I think this is good.” she says as places the paddle down.

I stop rowing as well and peer over the boat into the water to look for Ariel.

“Ariel come up.” My eyes scan the lake looking for ripples.

While I do that Kelsey has picked up her fishing rod and started adjusting the line.
“She will be fine Max, lets get to it.”

I place the paddle down and grab the fishing poll. I fumble around trying to adjust the line. I've never been good with fishing poles. The water pokemon I own were caught using a net or with my hands. Sometimes I'm to rash for my own good and just jump in after pokemon. When the line has been adjusted a pull back and let the line go flying off in the distance. I watch as Kelsey does the release and throw all in one sweet motion as if she had been doing it for years. I remember her dragging me out on a fly fishing adventure. She was standing perfectly still waiting. I however got my line caught on a rock and eventually lost the pole, but I came out of that trip with little Homer.

“I'll try not to lose this one.” I say while laughing.

She laughs as she waits patiently with the fishing pole in her hands. I'm the lucky one who gets the first bite. These Magikarp are not very bright, which works to my advantage. The pole is pulled down toward the edge of the boat. The fishing line tightens as the Karp fights being pulled.

“I got something, I got something!”

Kelsey smiles and responds
“ Well pull it in! “

With one quick motion I pull the line out of the water with all my strength. The motion is not very subtle as the big fish comes flying into the boat splashing around. The violent jolting of the fish flapping around knocks me into the water. Kelsey gets up as she sees me fall overboard. As I hit the water time seems to slow down. I open my eyes as my body sinks under. I can see different pokemon swimming about, none stick out as much as the giant beast moving in the background. The beast must have been attracted to all the fishers. Moments later I break the surface of the water and grab onto the boat. I pull myself out of the boat trying to warn Kelsey.

“Gyara....” The Magikarp flaps right into me knocking us both into the water. As I fall back in I can help but feel annoyed that I back underwater again. This time though I have an angry pokemon in the water with me. I feel a sharp pain in my side as the Karp slams into me expressing its frustration towards me. After the first hit it swims around for another one. I am starting to like this Magikarp because its angry at this stage, which means its going to make a great Gyarados. As it rushes towards me for the second time, it stopped. Ariel finally appears and she seems very concerned about whats going on. Ariel moves in quick knocking the Karp off its course. I use this time to swim up to the surface for air. Kelsey almost jumps out of the boat when she sees me appear.

“Max are you okay!”She says nervously.


“No time to explain.”

I take a deep breath and dive back under. There was just no time to explain, I needed to see what Ariel was doing. As I swam down I reached onto my belt and released Homer my Quagsire. The always jolly pokemon knew what I needed and swam over so I could grab onto him. After a short burst of speed through the water we found Ariel surrounded by Magikrap. I knew it would be bad but not this bad. Ariel had the size advantage but was being overwhelmed by their numbers. I let go of Homer who than barreled into the crowd of Karp knocking them back. Once free Ariel begain to spin around collecting Karp as she reached the surface of the water. Homer came back around for me and we followed them. By the time she reached the surface she had created a massive twister that sent her and the Karp flying into the air. Ariel hit the surface of the water hard but kept moving, shortly after the string of Karp which had been caught in the twister landed behind her stunned.

"Homer go get our fishing pole back ! " I kicked around as Homer sped off to find the Karp that was still attached to my fishing pole. Homer moved through the crowd fast, when he found the Karp stunned with the pole he pulled it back to me. I pulled the hook out of its mouth just in time to get splashed at is started to regain its focus. While I was doing this Kelsey rowed over towards me calling out.

"I'm coming for you Max, don't move ! "

In that short moment that I turned to her and waved the Karp was back up and ready to fight. This time I was ready.

"Homer Slam !" I called out to Quagsire who quickly rushed into the Karp slamming it into the air. When the fish landed stunned, I pulled out a pokeball and pointed it towards it. The Karp was pulled sucked in and I held the ball as it shook back and forth until it finally stopped. By this time Kelsey and rowed to me and I climbed in the boat.

"Are you okay?" she exclaimed

"Yeah, a little swo..." I tried to say as she cut me off

"How are are Ariel and Homer?"

"Uhh there fine, Ariel is a little tired but .." I said as I was cut off again.

"What were saying before you got knocked out of the boat?" she asked.

A cold chill went down my spine as I had forgotten about the Gyarados.

End of part 1.
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Last edited by Judge Dredd; 08-22-2012 at 10:27 PM.
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  #2  
Old 10-12-2012, 04:51 AM
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Default Re: The Great Karp Catch! Part 1 ( Ready to be graded!)

Claiming this. I'll have a grade up by Sunday night at the latest. (:
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  #3  
Old 10-15-2012, 02:25 AM
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Default Re: The Great Karp Catch! Part 1 ( Ready to be graded!)

Introduction
The story is centered around a fishing contest, and I see that it's only the first part of a story that is to be continued. That's alright though! So anyways, the story continues, they reach the center of the Lake of Rage, and they begin fishing. Eventually, Max encounters a Magikarp that he ends up catching. There's also a Gyarados thrown in the mix that attacks Max and Kelsey. At least, I think that's what all happens, but I'll get to that in the next section.

However, for a story at this rank, it's a nice idea!

Detail
So like I said earlier, I wasn't really sure as to whether or not Max was being attacked by a Gyarados or a Magikarp. It just seemed a little too confusing there. It says "Gyara" at one point, and that makes me assume that a Gyarados is attacking Max and Kelsey. You also mention that Max had completely forgotten about the Gyarados at the end, where you leave us on a cliffhanger, which I'd like to add, it's not bad to leave us on a cliffhanger. Just remember that you've got that there when you get around to posting part two as it could lead into some continuity errors if you forget about it.

There's also one other thing I'd like to address here. I've noticed that Max seems to have two Pokemon before catching the Magikarp towards the end of the story. He has a Quagsire that has been nicknamed Homer, and he has another Pokemon named Ariel. Throughout the entire first part of the story, there's been no mention as to what kind of Pokemon Ariel is. I would include that in the story, preferably somewhere in the quoted part below.

Quote:
Once inside I reach for Ariel's pokeball. There is no way Im going through this without her following along. As I pull the pokeball off my belt I press the button and it expands in my hand. I hold the ball towards the water and a bright flash of light sends Ariel out. She disappears under water for a second to get the feel of where she is at, when she finally reappears she squirts me with water as if to say hello.
Otherwise, your detail for a story at the Easiest rank is good. (:

Grammar
This is something you'll definitely need to work on for your future stories! You're writing a story for an Easiest ranked Pokemon, so I won't be too hard on you. Instead, I'll just point out some of your more common mistakes so that when you're ready to write another story, you can use what I've told you here and improve!

Quote:
“I think this is good.” she says as places the paddle down.
You make this mistake a lot throughout your story. After "good," in this case, you would place a comma there instead of a period. You'd only use a period when you don't have he says/she says/Max says/Kelsey says or any variation of that after the dialogue.

Quote:
She looked over with a smile and nodded her head. We set the fishing rods down and grabbed the paddles. We than slowly started to row towards the middle of the lake.
Quote:
She laughs as she waits patiently with the fishing pole in her hands.
In the top quote, you use the past tense. In the bottom quote, you use the present tense. You should pick one or the other and use it throughout the whole story. If you start with the past tense, then you should continue using the past tense throughout the whole story, and the same thing applies to if you start with the present tense. There are, of course, exceptions to this, but I don't want to bombard you with stuff. (:

Quote:
“ Well pull it in! “
Quote:
A few minute later and Kelsey stops.
In the top quote, you need to watch your spacing. The spaces before and after the quotation marks aren't necessary. You have some spaces before some of the punctuation as well, and it's not necessary. At first, I thought you were just pressing the space bar too soon, but it continued to happen, so I thought I'd address it.

Secondly is comma usage. In the first quote, you could put a comma after well. It's not overly necessary, but it would make the sentence flow better. In the second quote, that whole sentence just sounds really awkward. If you said "A few minutes later, Kelsey stopped," it would flow better. You could also use stops if you wanted to use the present tense throughout the whole story instead of the past tense.

Battle
The battle was rather one sided. For a story of this rank, that's okay. For stories of higher ranks, try making your battles less one sided. In this case, all your Quagsire did was use Slam on the Magikarp, and it was stunned. At least on the one Max caught anyways. Ariel and Homer seemed to have attacked the Magikarp, but it didn't really seem like the Magikarp were doing much. Magikarp do learn Tackle, so they can hurt Max's Pokemon. It might not do much damage, but it would have still been something.

Conclusion
So your story is well over the recommended character count at 9,542 characters. You only needed at least 3k to catch the Magikarp. Just keep in mind what I've mentioned above, and also, for your future stories, I would add a little tidbit at the top or bottom mentioning what Pokemon you're aiming to catch, especially if you have several Pokemon featured in the story. It might be a little difficult to figure out what you want to catch.

Anyways, what you want to know here is whether or not you've caught this Magikarp. It'd be kind of rude of me to deny you this Magikarp, so I'm going to say Magikarp captured! Enjoy your Magikarp that I'm sure will be a Gyarados sooner or later. xD
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  #4  
Old 10-15-2012, 02:39 AM
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Default Re: The Great Karp Catch! Part 1 ( Ready to be graded!)

Thanks for grading my story.I got mixed up with future, present and past while writing. I changed it at some point and tried to go back to make sure everything made sense. I didnt notice that I had missed some of them.

Im not sure I have the time to write anymore stories to be honest. When I wrote this I was really into URPG, then work started and I kinda stopped again. I hope to be able to at least finish the second part.

Thanks again.
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