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Old 04-22-2012, 07:05 AM
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Default Meet My Evil Twin

Meet my Evil Twin


Mike just shook his head and kept navigating the crowded plaza, lifting a hand to pull his long chocolate hair back out of his eyes. He was used to such constant and theatrical declarations. Luc, his twin, was a little over the edge. Once upon a time, Luc’s crazy outbursts had been few and far between. Lately though, Mike couldn’t help but notice that it had gotten worse - much worse.

“Come back here! Do you think you can just ignore my challenge and walk away?” Luc raced after Mike when he didn’t slow, or even glance backwards. He grabbed Mike’s arm and held him fast, the veins bulging through his ivory skin contrasting sharply with the otherwise identically pale features of his brother. Mike’s sterling silver eyes darkened as he turned and faced his antagonistic sibling.

“Are we really going to do this now, Luc? Really? We’re in the middle of the square.”

Luc’s only reply was a feral grin as he stepped back, releasing both brother and Pokémon in one startlingly smooth motion. Almost instantly the crowds of people surrounding them parted, everyone either parking in wide a ring around the pair to watch or departing all together.

Mike sighed, pulled his own Pokéball from his left pocket, and released the Pokémon inside. The flashing lights faded, leaving two Pokémon, also nearly identical, between the two brothers. Each of the pair of insects was an off-white color, except for green wings that were too small to be useful, and dark brown forelegs that ended in sharp claws.

“Cade, use Fury Swipes attack!” Luc yelled almost as soon as the two appeared. With similar hurry his Nincada, Cade, skittered across the cobble paved clearing, claws raised and an unintelligible battle shriek piercing the air. Mike looked on calmly, seemingly absorbing their entire surroundings in unhurried silence. Finally, as the Nincada’s claws descended toward his own Pokémon, he spoke.

“Nina, use harden.” The reaction from Mike’s Nincada, who had been motionless up to this point, was immediate. Her entire body visibly expanded as its exoskeleton grew thicker and more tough in the fraction of a second before the first of her foe’s scythe-like claws struck her waiting back.

Cade swung again, and again, and again. Each successive attack pushed the defending bug, Nina, back a good six inches along the red stone tiles of the courtyard. As they parted, heaving, it was obvious that the attack had been ineffective. Though there were a few visible scores across her back, Nina’s now thickened hide had successfully stopped all the blows from breaking through to her soft flesh.

With the same hurry as before, Luc called to his Pokémon. “Cade, use Dig!”

Mike’s reaction, however, was equally swift. “Scratch, Nina; hurry before he does too much damage.”

Both Pokémon started moving at the same time, Mike’s rushing forward as Luc’s Nincada scrabbled at the ground beneath it. The Pokémon’s attempts to dig were hindered by the securely cemented stones layered between it and the earth beneath. It struggled on as its adversary drew near. Finally, it flung a single slate soaring across the clearing just before Mike’s commanded attack connected. It squealed in pain as it was thrown bodily away from the hole before it could do more than scrape away a few claws full of clay. There was a gash in its side oozing the thick green blood characteristic of bug Pokémon.

“You’ll pay for that!” Luc pointed and shook his finger at Mike threateningly. “Use a Leech Life, Cade,” he said, “Get rid of that hole in your side.”

This time, Mike seemed content to wait again as Luc’s Pokémon, Cade, began his advance a little more warily than before. Finally he was within a few feet of Mike’s Nina. Cade leapt forward eagerly, face first at his doppelganger. As soon as he started to move, however, Mike’s calm voice floated to the pair:

“Sand attack, then dodge.”

In one fluid motion, Nina flung a double clawful of dirt into the face of her attacker while shooting to the left, using the edge left by the missing cobblestone to give herself something to push off from.

She wasn’t fast enough this time. The mandible-jaws of the incoming Pokémon tore a small hole in Nina’s right flank as she moved away. The wound was shallow, but it bled the same green blood that now flowed a little less freely from the gash on Cade’s side as the bit of flesh he had managed to tear away was swallowed.

“Nina, use False Swipe,” Mike commanded.

Nina began to move purposefully toward Cade in response.

Luc’s clear, golden eyes hardened. “Mud Slap,” he replied, a hard edge creeping into his voice that made him sound a lot like his brother, for once.

Cade began collecting dirt from the only source in the courtyard, right beneath his feet.

As Cade spat a startlingly large amount of water into the armful of dirt he was preparing to launch at his foe, Luc began to laugh. It was a cold, mirthless sound that shook him so forcefully he was doubled over. As the mud was flung and the claws were swung, Luc straightened up, gasping for breath. His brother stared darkly over the battlefield into his angry eyes.

“You would use False Swipe,” Luc accused. He shook his head quickly, all traces of mirth gone just as suddenly as they had appeared. “Six minutes. That was all it took to make you my babysitter,” he said. “You’ve never taken me seriously. Always surprised to hear when I’ve done anything well, and suspect cheating if I ever beat you at anything.

“Sure, I used to be pretty helpless and dumb. I might even have stayed that way if you weren’t always breaking me down. I still don’t know how you always managed to stop right before I had nothing left, but it ends today. I’m not that same little boy any more. You’d better shape up or I’ll blow you away.” His golden eyes were scorching now and a determined smile lit his face as he issued the final command.

“Cade, use Metal Claw.”

Mike’s eyes, which had narrowed with every word, were mere slits as he responded just as fiercely.

“Show him a real Metal Claw, Nina.”

The two Pokémon raised their claws simultaneously, like a pair of mirrors. A glint of silver grew on the two pairs of raised blades, expanding upward as though they were all beakers, each being filled from the same unknown source, somehow poured into the four scythes at once.

Aside from the missing stone, the only things disturbing the perfect symmetry of the clearing were the eyes. The blazing gold of Luc’s eyes met in the battlefield with the seething silver gaze of Mike. Their eyes never wavered, even as their Pokémon clashed with a sound of metal sharp enough to leave ears ringing.

The pair of twins stood silently in a courtyard filled with people. Both raised smooth, pale arms. Red light left their outstretched hands holding their open Pokéball. Two Pokémon, one panting in triumph, one frozen in loss, disappeared in the glow. The victor and his foe pocketed their friends. Both faces slowly smiled, and the winning brother turned sharply, taking a step away – he was leaving for good.

As he departed, both mouths moved, and both voices were heard.

“So long for now, my evil twin. So long for now…”


Last edited by Brainiac; 05-20-2012 at 05:21 AM. Reason: taking care of things pointed out in my grade...
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Old 05-03-2012, 12:07 AM
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WinterVines Offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
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Default Re: Meet My Evil Twin (am I meant to say 'ready' here?)

Okay, third claim of the day, go!

Unfortunately, you might have to wait a couple of days while I finish up Uni, but it should be up very soon.



“Ooooh, can we go by the Butterfree exhibit dad?” Chain asked. “I just love when they tickle my nose.”
-"Day at the Zoo" by Bumblebee

Ask me to Ref or be your Ranger. AIM: WinterVines
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Old 05-05-2012, 04:39 PM
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Default Re: Meet My Evil Twin (am I meant to say 'ready' here?)

Originally Posted by Brainiac View Post
Yeah, someone can grade this if they want.
Twin of Evil Grade

Here it is.


Intro: Your intro is kind of sudden, but I like that it started with a piece of dialogue. That's a good way to start off a story, especially if it's not entirely that action packed, like this one. For Simple, what you have works out just fine.

It also introduces what the fic is going to be about right away. That works for straight forward stories like this. In a longer fic/one of a different genre, there's the option of starting out with some sudden action, or even creating a mysterious scene to create interest. Here, I don't think that would've worked, but it's something to note for your future stories. Usually a crafty piece of dialogue can do that, which would be similar to how you started here.

Plot: The story is fairly simple in idea, revolving around a battle by two brothers who apparently dislike each other while having an intense rivalry.

For Simple, this worked just fine. I liked that the battle wasn't one-sided, because that would've put me off of it. Instead, it showed that Mike was probably the calmer (and maybe better) battler, while Luc was striving to overcome that while getting in a few good shots here and there. It made sense, and I liked that.

The best part was how you ended it. You didn't say which brother was the victor, and that was perfect. I think that was very crafty. You make the reader think that way, and that lets them imagine their own ending to the story. It also will cause that feeling of something similar to upset when they don't know the answer. It's fun to make readers squirm. Point is, you make them feel something.

I do sort of wonder about their relationship, though. I would've liked to see more of why they dislike each other so much. Luc mentions a couple things, but I'm still left wondering about Mike's side. How did the babysitting thing happen? Are they old enough to need that now? Further, in the end, you say the winner is leaving for good. Are they leaving on an adventure? Running away from home? What/how exactly is he leaving? Does it have something to do with why they were in the plaza in the first place?

Just a few things to think about. I hope you write more stories about these two. For Simple, this filled all the requirements it needed to.

Detail/Description: I really liked the detail you included. For Simple, you don't need too much, but the stuff you did include was very well done. You introduced what the characters looked like right away (of course, made a little easier by the fact that they're twins XD), and you didn't skip describing the Pokemon.

What I liked best, however, was your attention to realism. Cade couldn't use Dig very well because there were cobblestones under him, and that's pretty cool. A lot of people forget stuff like that, but you hit it. It was the same with the green blood on the bug. I would imagine that a lot of them get cut and bruised when they battle, and you did a nice job of highlighting that fact. The moves used by the Pokemon were also paid attention too, and I appreciate that as well. A lot of people miss that.

What I would've liked to see more of was the environment. What did the plaza look like? Was there a fountain? You mentioned the cobblestones, but what else was there? The crowd was watching too. Did they cheer or gasp at all?

Overall you did very well. Definitely above par for Simple rank.

Grammar/Mechanics: Nothing much to say here, which is really relieving. It let me just enjoy the story, so good job on that.

I will mention just a couple things to note, though. One is unneeded commas. This didn't come up that often, but it might've just been because the story is short, so just in case:
...pair to watch, or departing all together.
In this one, that comma is unnecessary. Remember that you only need a common before a conjunction when it connects two independent sentences together. You don't use one when you just name two things (like you did here).

Another one to be wary of is run-on sentences. Again, not a big deal, but they're easy to miss:
Mike sighed and pulled his own Pokéball from his left pocket and released the Pokémon inside.
Since Mike is doing so many things, they could be made into a list with commas. Or they could be split up. Sometimes writing sentences like this is done on purpose, but I don't think that was the case here. Just be careful if you do use this technique, since it makes sentences seem long-winded and look grammatically incorrect. I actually recommend not using it unless for a really good reason.

Length: Nincada is Simple rank, so that means 5-10k is the goal. I counted 7,202, so you're good to go.

Reality/Miscellaneous: Nothing really stood out as being out of place here. There was one instance, however, where you said Luc had blue eyes. At the end you said Luc had gold eyes while Mike had silver. This could be some kind of metaphor/allusion to HG/SS perhaps? If it was, that wasn’t exactly clear, so watch out with the wording. I did like this, though, since it contrasted the two battlers even more. I'm thinking the blue was just a typo.

On a side note, a lot of the time you referred to both Nincada as it, while their names suggest they have genders. I do this all of the time too. It might have helped clarify which bug was which when in the battle if you had used gender-specific pronouns, but you did a good job of differentiating them anyway.


All of your areas were very well done. Definitely enough for Simple rank.

Nincada: Captured

Feel free to IM/VM/PM me if you have any questions about anything. Enjoy your new mon ^^



“Ooooh, can we go by the Butterfree exhibit dad?” Chain asked. “I just love when they tickle my nose.”
-"Day at the Zoo" by Bumblebee

Ask me to Ref or be your Ranger. AIM: WinterVines
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