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Role Play Sign Ups & Discussion Sign up for and discuss Role Plays here. Have anything to ask about a Role Play you're in, or need to put up extra info for people to refer to? What if you need help with an idea that's missing that extra kick? Do it all here!


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  #121  
Old 06-17-2012, 10:34 PM
timothyg016 Offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
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Default Re: [SU/DS]Kingdom Hearts: The Other Nobodies(REVIVED!)[SU/DS]

Name: Pegasus Von Saggitarius
Age: 24
Gender: MALE
Appearance: Pegasus has dark long hair with a white headband that his friend, Alice, gave to him during their training with Merlin. He is tan with Deep-Sea blue eyes. He wears black shorts and white T-shirt. He wears black and white shoes with white socks. He also wears a black and gold trimmed mastery jacket with a gold lightning symbol embedded on the back of it over his shoulders. Master Yen-Sid made it for him for mastery over an element. His strength and speed is remarkable. He is a really skilled fighter and can actually stand up to a keyblade master. He stands 6'1.
Personality: Pegasus is a fun, cool, levelheaded, smart person. He always evaluates the situation and thinks of possible outcomes while being a couple steps ahead of the opponent.
History:

Ken Von Saggitarius was born in Traverse town to Lance Saggitarius and Helen Saggitarius. It appeared that Lance and Helen were very close to King Mickey so Ken went there to train with the King. The King saw something special in this boy and decided to send him to Yen-Sid to train in magic once he was done here. Ken completed his training at the age of 12 and was sent to Yen-Sid to train. Master Yen-Sid observed Pegasus and learned that he excelled in thunder magic and wasn't so good in the others. Ken mastered thunder magic at the age of 16 and was sent back to Traverse town only to see that it was overrun by heartless. Ken couldn't take care of all of them. Then, a person with a Kingdom Key appeared from behind him with an Organization XIII robe and threw their keyblade, destroying three of the many heartless. Ken and the person teamed up and cleared the heartless. The person unhooded theirself and Ken realized that it was a girl. They got acquainted with each other. The girl's name was Alice and she was on a mission to secretly take down the Organization. Ken decided to help Alice take down the Organization.

Weapon: He hides a short blade with no more than 2 inches in length in his back pocket. He is a thunder master so he uses thunder magic..
-
(Pegasus can change the properties of thunder to create thing out of fire. Example: Thunder Blade, Thunder claws, etc.)
*HE WILL LEARN MORE MAGIC*
Theme Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3jnN6tx9F4
Other: N/A

Name: Alice Sierra Flamberge
Gender: Female
Appearance: She has flowing short black well-groomed hair with golden eyes. She wears a black kimono and has a golden tan. She looks around 17 and stands 5'8.
Personality: She is sometimes quiet, smart, and sneaky. She is caring, compassionate, and helpful as well.
History: Alice Sierra Flamberge was born in Traverse town. She was a girl who never knew sorrow, pain, misery, and all other things associated. She inherited the Keyblade from her father who was a Keyblade master and was trained by him to his level. Since there was no Mark of Mastery Exam at the time, she was unable to take it. She learned what was going on in the worlds and decided to leave Traverse Town to travel the worlds and track down the Organization to take them down. She found an Organization robe in Radiant Garden and traveled to Hollow Bastion in search of Malificent. Her first encounter with Malificent was a fight with Alice being forced to flee. She returned to Traverse town only to see that her town was overrun with heartless. She tried to defend her town but there was just too many. She found a boy who was in the middle of the street looking at what was happening. The gold thunderbolt embedd on his jacket showed that he was a thunder master. She appeared behind him and threw her keyblade destroying three of the heartless. She teamed up with the boy and together, they fended of the heartless. The two got acquainted with each other and Alice told Ken her mission. Ken decided to join her and to take down the Organization.

Weapon: Kingdom Key
-Key Throw
-Blade Rush
Other:
Theme Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBYTvQkbudc

Is this too short for your liking and is there any problems with it? I may make it longer later.

Last edited by timothyg016; 07-11-2012 at 03:09 AM.
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  #122  
Old 06-18-2012, 12:11 AM
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Default Re: [SU/DS]Kingdom Hearts: The Other Nobodies(REVIVED!)[SU/DS]

Alright, Timothyg016, I cannot accept this SU as it is. First off, most of you sections are too short. Look at some of the other SUs accepted (most are linked to in my first post) and compare it to yours--for starters, considering this is a universe where Cloud Strife actually exists, Pegasus sounds like an exact copy of him. That aside, just saying his hair and clothes are "like Cloud's" is not adequate at all--there are other ways to describe his hair, and Cloud has worn a few outfits in his career as a character (in and out of KH), so there are other ways to describe his clothes as well. His history is a bit of a mess--who is Leo? You only mention where he lives when you say Shadows attacked the island where he lives, which also brings up the point that his history sounds a LOT like Sora's in KH1. This bracelet of his, how/why does it use mana and element magic? Because now it sounds like you skimmed over SUs and saw Caesura there and tossed mana in there, and personally, the bracelet and bow idea sounds like it got borrowed from my character, Lillie. And then there's Alice...if you're going to RP her the way it sounds like you are, she needs her own SU--also what she wears, I believe you're talking about a kimono.
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  #123  
Old 06-18-2012, 12:21 AM
timothyg016 Offline
 
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Default Re: [SU/DS]Kingdom Hearts: The Other Nobodies(REVIVED!)[SU/DS]

I did my SU in a hurry so I forgot to add that I will edit later. However, I did not look over the other SU's I can tell you that much. The bracelet cannot use Element Magic. My character uses magic like Fira in the form of an arrow and shoots it. Otherwise the bracelet can only shoot arrows that are made out of Mana. The science behind it was that the bracelet converts the Mana of the user into that of the shape a bow and arrow or if the user is skilled enough, they can morph it into anything they want. But Pegasus will only use the bow. He will learn the skill of converting it to anything near the end of the RP. Also With the Leo thing, I mean Leon. The Island history is a little derived from Sora's story because it wasn't definite that people were killed in Sora's story. In this story, it was clear that some of Pegasus' friends were killed, thus giving him one reason to fight. If you want me to make the history longer and original, i can do that now. I have lots of time now. You're right about that. Ill get right to it.
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  #124  
Old 06-18-2012, 12:46 AM
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Default Re: [SU/DS]Kingdom Hearts: The Other Nobodies(REVIVED!)[SU/DS]

Okay, first of all, you're contradicting yourself--"It has the power to summon a Magic bow that can shoot arrows out of Mana or arrows of Element magic." That is what your SU says. Mana and element magic are two different concepts here thanks to Enkaku Kumori (Chibi) and her character Caesura, who comes from a world with different mana magic. Where Leo is located in your history, it couldn't possibly be Leon--looks like you messed up and put someone else's name instead of Pegasus's. Maybe you could explain a little more about the world he came from, because unless Veekiri's Island is another name for the Destiny Islands in another country, it really does sound like a copy and paste of Sora's history.
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  #125  
Old 06-18-2012, 02:02 PM
timothyg016 Offline
 
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Default Re: [SU/DS]Kingdom Hearts: The Other Nobodies(REVIVED!)[SU/DS]

I've done my SU over. Sorry for the bold. Please tell me if there are any problems.
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  #126  
Old 06-18-2012, 05:44 PM
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Default Re: [SU/DS]Kingdom Hearts: The Other Nobodies(REVIVED!)[SU/DS]

Alright...since you now have two SUs up, I'm just going to do this by character.

Pegasus
First off, out of curiosity, how does one have short pants if pants typically cover your whole leg? I've heard of shorts, I've heard of pants, and I've heard of capris, but I have never heard of short pants--just looking for some clarification here. While I personally think you could do better on describing his appearance, the only thing you really need to fix is the fact you have no mention of whether or not Pegasus wears shoes. Personality, while I did not mention it specifically the first time, your personality section is too short. There are ways to lengthen this and describe your character well--how is he fun and cool? How much does his being level-headed extend to, because everyone has a limit to how much they can deal with. What are his weaknesses--is he afraid of the dark? Does he worry about his friends too much? Like I said before, look over other peoples SUs and try to learn from them. His history, while now not pretty much the same as Sora, still has numerous issues--the start is waaaay too choppy, and that aside, if he's supposed to be a "normal boy," then why was he taken under Merlin's wing and taught magic? Also, what is the whole point in detailing this fight with Alice? It's his history, not a roleplay scene--easier just to say that they fought and Merlin interrupted them. Why would Alice explain her history to these totaly strangers, seeing as in the KHverse, Nobodies are typically seen as being just as bad as Heartless? and then there's that last paragraph--no, just no. Aside from the fact it completely defies the KH timeline, seeing as this takes place in the time between CoM and KH2, meaning it would have put Alice's arrival BEFORE CoM, where Organization members were first killed. That aside, how did they find this resistance group and get a COPY of the Organization's base? This makes no sense. Alongside that, his magic is over the limit in some places as well--I have never seen or heard of "oil magic" before in ANY game I have ever played, and why bother when you could learn a bit of thunder magic to zap your aquatic enemies? And this synchronization magic makes no sense--is it really that hard to stick with verified KH (of even FF) magic?

Alice
The first thing that strikes me here is the fact that one character has basically three different names. Saying her name is Xajeliceiah and then calling her Alice would suffice, though it would be nice to have her original's name mentioned somewhere in her history--see Bastia/Xima or Apollo/Xens's SUs for a good example. Her appearance and personality sections, as Pegasus's were (and still is, in the case of personality), are too short. Try to lengthen out the description some--it is not that hard. Her history is one huge no-go, I can see what you're trying to do with it, but it's not working. Aside from the fact that it defies the KH timeline, as I have said before, it makes no sense. Starting off in the middle of her history was where you first went wrong, it's confusingly ordered and doesn't fit the Organization's style to begin with, and then going back to explain her past doesn't help. She can't have become a Nobody by being hit by a car--Nobodies are formed when a person becomes a Heartless and their body is left behind, not when they die. How did she end up in Wonderland and travel to Halloween Town and Olympus Colosseum, and why would an Organization member come up to her and call her defective, considering human formed Nobodies are quite rare, and how could she be angry if Nobodies lack the ability to feel? Then there's her whole escape, which, like much of the rest of her history is jumbled and fails to make sense. Have you even played KH2 or 358/2 Days before or looked up stuff on Organization XIII? They want an execution, they either do it on-spot, or make up clever plans to get rid of who they want gotten rid of--case in point, those sent to Castle Oblivion in CoM. Everyone died but Axel, and Axel was the one leading a few of the executions himself. If they were going to kill her, they wouldn't have kept her locked up, and not all Nobodies are considered important to them, most seem to see their Lessers as slaves/servants. Then there's the logic that leads her to Merlin's house--how does she know about him and what made her think it was a good idea to start looking for people there? That aside, if she was looking for people to help her, why in the name of King Mickey does she attack Pegasus; it makes no sense whatsoever.

I'm not trying to put you down, but a lot of your ideas don't work out well when out together the way they are, or make no sense whatsoever.
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  #127  
Old 07-11-2012, 03:10 AM
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Default Re: [SU/DS]Kingdom Hearts: The Other Nobodies(REVIVED!)[SU/DS]

I have redid it again
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  #128  
Old 07-11-2012, 03:45 AM
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Default Re: [SU/DS]Kingdom Hearts: The Other Nobodies(REVIVED!)[SU/DS]

...No, just no. I stopped at Pegasus's personality, which still has yet to be fixed. Did you read anything I typed about your last SU edit? I'm not normally an impatient person, but you don't seem to be understanding most of what I'm telling you, and if you do, you're completely overhauling the characters I gave you specific pointers on how to edit so that they would be accepted.

I cannot accept these as they are, sorry.
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  #129  
Old 07-29-2012, 05:02 AM
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Default Re: [SU/DS]Kingdom Hearts: The Other Nobodies(REVIVED!)[SU/DS]

Alright, sorry for the double-post, but no one has posted here for awhile...

Anyway, now that WAR is over, please tell me you guys are ready to get back in action here? Metal, you're still up next, whenever you can get to that, if you're still in...if you're not... I dunno. XD
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  #130  
Old 07-29-2012, 05:54 AM
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Default Re: [SU/DS]Kingdom Hearts: The Other Nobodies(REVIVED!)[SU/DS]

Driax refuses to die so I ish comin' back.
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  #131  
Old 08-08-2012, 12:21 PM
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Default Re: [SU/DS]Kingdom Hearts: The Other Nobodies(REVIVED!)[SU/DS]

Can I has a Reservation pl0x? I want to get mah Nobody-ness on :D

Teehee, but yeah, I want a KH RP, so I'mma wanting to join :P

~Sealboy
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  #132  
Old 08-08-2012, 05:47 PM
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Default Re: [SU/DS]Kingdom Hearts: The Other Nobodies(REVIVED!)[SU/DS]

You can have a reserve, but I dunno how much further the RP is going to go.
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  #133  
Old 08-10-2012, 05:42 PM
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Default Re: [SU/DS]Kingdom Hearts: The Other Nobodies(REVIVED!)[SU/DS]

I'd like to have a spot in this if possible. I'll post my SU tomorrow. A vehement and thorough SU will take a longer time.
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