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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 09-11-2011, 01:11 PM
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Default Black Holes



Black Holes is the story of a girl with a Mawile's hair who loses her memory quite often for an unexplained reason. She decides to go find out why, but maybe that wasn't the best choice...

This story will only be posted on Pokémon Elite 2000. If you see it anywhere else, please tell me.

Contents:
Prologue

Prologue-
Steven Wright’s office was particularly quiet on that Wednesday morning, though there had never been a time when it wasn’t quiet. Steven Wright was a lawyer and had his own law offices, but they were hidden in a quiet and crime infested part of Cerulean City. Only criminals visited that part, and those criminals rarely needed lawyers as they got away with their crimes so frequently. Cerulean City’s police force was pathetic, it really was.

“Mr Wright, you have a visitor,” his secretary said, knocking on the door. She found it odd that Steven hadn’t responded, so she spoke again, but louder. “Mr Wright! You’ve got a visitor!” Again, he didn’t respond. His secretary began getting a bit annoyed, so she opened the door. She gasped.

“S-Steven?”

-----

Mia Wright sat cross-legged on the sofa, much to the distate of her mother, but with the Mawile ponytail of Mia’s, she dared not make any objections. Mia’s mother decided to take a small risk, and taking a deep breath, she spoke.

“If you’re going to sit like that, take your shoes off.” Mia ignored her mother’s request and continued sitting in the same fashion, her eyes locked on to the television. She hated shows like the one she was watching, ‘Trainer Watch’ because it always featured the same person, an Ash Ketchum. The world cheered at his name, but personally, Mia was sick of him.

“Mia! Take your shoes off, now!” Mia’s mother yelled. Mia’s ponytail mouth roared, its fangs glinting in the sunlight. Mia’s mother stood up and briskly walked out of the sitting room. Mia grinned to herself and grabbed the TV remote, changing the channel so she was watching a more bearable show, a documentary about Safari Zones. Mia, personally, wasn’t really interested in the Safari Zones, but anything to get away from Trainer Watch.

-----

A knock at the door caused Stephanie Wright to jump slightly, but she recovered quickly and strode out into the hall, opening the front door. Detective Keiran Yuu was standing in front of the house, his gaze shifting everywhere. He seemed to be newly promoted, as he was so nervous. If Stephanie hadn’t known what it felt like to interview a stranger, she would’ve laughed.

“I’m Detective Keiran Yuu, I’d like to speak with you. Is anyone else at home?” Keiran asked, looking directly into Stephanie’s eyes. Stephanie nodded, unsure why she wasn’t speaking, and instinctively lead the detective into her sitting room, where Mia was still sitting watching the documentary. Mia looked up briefly but her gaze returned to the television.

“Mia, turn the TV off so Detective Yuu can speak,” Stephanie said softly, so as not to anger her daughter. Mia rolled her eyes but obediently turned the television off. She looked over at Keiran.

“So why is the good detective wasting his time in our boring house?” Mia asked. Stephanie glared at Mia, but it didn’t make any difference to the girl.

“I’m here to break to you some bad news. Mrs Wright, your husband has been murdered in his office,” Keiran said. Mia chuckled slightly, but Keiran was entirely serious. His face showed it. His tone of voice showed it. Yet Mia was laughing.

A/N: It's a short prologue, but oh well. I like writing short things.
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  #2  
Old 09-11-2011, 05:03 PM
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Default Re: Black Holes

First off, if that's your original art, that's pretty good. It could just be a Photoshop banner with someone else's art on it, but you got my attention.

Second, right away I noticed that this involves a lot of Phoenix Wright characters, so this isn't a pure Pokemon story. It would be nice if you could label it a crossover, just so people know where these characters are coming from.

Third, about the origin of the Mawile hair girl, it would be best if that were explained VERY early in the story, as most readers including myself are curious about how this happened. Pokemon-human lovemaking? DNA testing in an Aperture Science facility? A mystical curse? Radiation?

Also, if it's a Pokemon fanfic, the person visiting the family after the murder should be an Officer Jenny, or Gumshoe if your leaning towards a more Wright-ish story. It's not that I hate original characters at all, but this is the only case you should use a canon character.

I will say the writing is ok. Nothing extremely special, but this is just the prologue so you have plenty of chapters with provide us with some epic reading. The highlight of the story had to be your character's discontent with Ash Ketchum.

"The world cheered at his name, but personally, Mia was sick of him."

That line was golden. It seems to resonate with how everyone feels about him in real life, because personally, he should have been replaced a LONG time ago. Or at least aged. He's like Peter Pan but less charming in that fact that he NEVER GROWS UP.

This crossover shows promise if you can pull it off in an entertaining way. This plot would be ripe for humor, and I hope you go in that direction. I'll be following this and reviewing each chapter, so provide me with something good to chew on.

TL;DR


Last edited by NES2; 09-11-2011 at 05:11 PM.
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  #3  
Old 09-11-2011, 06:45 PM
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Default Re: Black Holes

It's not really a crossover fiction, 'Wright' was the first last name that came to mind. Pretty common last name. Thanks for the review, though! I'm not quite sure myself why Mia has Mawile hair, but I am close to thinking up the idea.
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Old 09-11-2011, 06:57 PM
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Default Re: Black Holes

Yes, and Mia's name was a coincidence too? And Steven Wright is conveniently a lawyer? And you already have made a Phoenix Wright crossover fan fiction before, which is advertised in your signature?

Coincidence? I think not.

As for a back story for Mia, I'd go with something humorous.
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  #5  
Old 09-11-2011, 07:27 PM
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Default Re: Black Holes

To Mia's backstory - it is. Also, Steven Wright actually WAS conveniently a lawyer. I was halfway through the prologue when my computer crashed, when Steven Wright was a normal businessman and then for some bizarre reason he ended up becoming a lawyer in my rewrite. Okay, that must've been my stupid brain. See, my brain is funny. Also, Mia was a random name- that's my brain again, isn't it?

Hahahaha... My brain does these things... Hahahahaha, oh the humour.
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Old 09-11-2011, 08:52 PM
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Default Re: Black Holes

...For once I agree with Nes2.
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Old 09-11-2011, 09:13 PM
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Default Re: Black Holes

Same here MoonKit. Even if you are going to have your story not be a crossover to PW, please avoid the last names. It really confuses readers, and they constantly think of the game character instead of the character you made. I still think if it isn't a crossover to PW, still to have him yell 'OBJECTION!' would be awesome; as well as funny. Aside from that, it is a very well-written prologue, and very discriptive. Good show. But NES, you really should give more compliments. Everyone enjoys being commended. CC is imporatant, but you gotta word it in a nice way.
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Last edited by Max0596; 09-11-2011 at 09:17 PM.
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Old 09-11-2011, 10:12 PM
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Default Re: Black Holes

I give credit where credit is due, and this author does deserve credit for his/her effort.

As for the whole raging at Epic part, that was because of the lack of effort. I usually look for what is good in a story, such as the set up for humor in this one, rather than the bad.

Those posts by Epic were terrible though, and there was no way to give her any sort of compliment without blatantly lying.

That's past and done though, and I've moved on from that incident.

As for the objection statement max mentioned, I have the perfect way to put that in there.

Quote:
As the coroner put on his surgical mask and gloves, he looked back at the body of the recently deceased. His name was Steven Wright, or used to be. Now he was Murder #163, a statistic and a number. He was one of the many, whether by purpose or accident, who came into the office.

The coroner's assistant came through the double doors pushing a cart with a pair of sterilized scapels on top of them. The assistant, looking at the naked body, felt a tinge of sadness. The body, unlike the others that came in, had not lost it's color. Had a gaping bullet hole in the chest not been visible, he could have been alive.

"It's a grim business we have here investigating this murder", the coroner began as he looked over the body.

"Yes indeed", replied the assistant, "But to be honest, I don't think we do the autopsy yet. He feels too alive to cut open."

"I understand your fear, but there is no need to worry. The body is clearly dead", stated the coroner bluntly.

"OBJECTION!", came a scream from the body suddenly. It was the voice of Steven Wright, alive and pointing into the air defiantly, having beaten Death itself in a court of law, keeping the Grim Reaper from foreclosing on his life.

Last edited by NES2; 09-11-2011 at 10:55 PM.
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  #9  
Old 09-12-2011, 04:45 AM
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Default Re: Black Holes

Yes, understandable. I was not refering to the Epic incident, I was refering how you reviewed this xD I was just saying that in a post, you should be nice about the way you word things, instead of a "Do this, do that" type of message, nobody likes to be orderedIf you wish to continue this discussion, please just VM me, this thread dosen't need to be littered with petty arguements. The whole Epic thing; it was the way you worded it, sounded like an insult. Just try to lighten up, eh? It's all for fun, no?

Hope you continue soon Shih-na!
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