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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 09-05-2011, 08:29 PM
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Talking Me Just Being ME [A Story Of A DORK]

Me Just Being ME
A Story Of A DORK

Chapter 1
These are My Mornings.....


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This Is A Story About A Girl Named Alexis, Who Condsiders Herself a DORK........ What Do You think.....? Just read This Story and Tell Us What You Think!

I left my head off my pillow as the alarm clock was going off...AKA my mom....and my brother, Michael..... "Hehe about time you got up!!!" My Brother said in a VERY hyper voice. You could tell he was in good mood.... I HATE it when he's in a good mood.... Michael is 17. He has short black hair, He's really skinny, well at least he LOOKS like he's skinny. He has Brown eyes also. He's almost ALWAYS wearing a hat; a New York Yankees Hat..... He isn't the Smartest guy in the school either.... We Don't Look ANYTHING Alike..... I'm 14. I Have short brown hair and brown eyes also.... I'm....... Not The Skinniest Flower either..... I Wear Glasses, cuz my right eye... is like... a dead eye....? "Yeah, yeah, yeah....." I said with a yawn. "Get Dressed and Come Downstairs for breakfeast. Its Your Favorite; Pancakes with extra butter, whipped cream and strawberries!" My Mom Said. I Started licking my lips. I could smell it from my room upstairs. "Race you downstairs!!" Michael said. "Let Me Get Dressed First!!" I said. "Nope!" He Said. He Does This EVERYDAY!!! It gets REALLY annoying...... I Thought to myself. "The First one down there Gets 2 extra pancakes!!" Michael said. I gasped. Its ON!


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We Raced Down the Stairs. I almost tripped-3 times-Thanks To Michael and His Big BUTT! Yes-I was STILL in my Pajamas-My Chocolate Rabbit Pajamas. I won, even though untill the last step i was losing... But, My mom got mad at me 'cause I was Still in my PJ's...... So guess who got the extra Pancakes....? Yep! MICHAEL!!! I GOT SO MAD! I Just HATE Michael SO MUCH!! I still got my favorite breakfeast though!!! That's ALLThat matters "Alexis, Your Done Eating. Now Go Get Dressed!" My Mom COMMANDED me.... I walked up the stairs into my room. Trying to figure out what to wear, trying to think what a PDG would wear.... PDG is Pretty Dumb Girl by the way...... There is a Pokemon Shirt..... Nah..... A ' I'm with Stupid ' shirt that I could wear a denim jacket with..... Okay! Now what Pants.....? Baggy Jeans? Nope.... Denim Skirt With Tights Under it? Cute, but too dang GIRLY! Blue Jeans? YEP! I Put My Clothes On. Then I heard a bark from outside. It was a Puppy-In A box! It was small, yet big. It was Black and White- Like a Great White, On top was black and on bottom is white....It had one ear pointed up and the other one was laying down. It kept whimpering..... I hurried outside, picked it up, and brought it inside to show my mom. "Mom..... Can we-" I got Cutoff. "No, Alexis" She answered me. "You don't even know what I was gonna say!!!" I said. "Yea I do! You were gonna ask me if you could keep it!" She said. Whoa.... She's GOOD! I heard The bus stop on the next street. "Can we at least keep it until we find it's owner....?" I asked. "AWWWWW! LOOK AT THE PUPPY!!!" Michael said. Hmmm... Michael seems to Think its cute too! My Mom sighed. "Okay.... Only until we find its Owner!!!" She said.
YYYYYYYAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!! The Bus Stopped in front of our house. "Michael!! Lets Go! Kenny is Waiting for us!!" I screamed. Kenny was our bus driver. He has black hair, a beard also. He's Chunky like me, but I'm not THAT chunky, though..... He is ALWAYS wearing a hat..... He's Also My Friend, Travis' Dad.


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When we got to our school, My Best Friend Logan Was Waiting for me at the Front Door. He has short brown hair, Brown eyes. Well he's the guy version of ME..... Exept he's Shorter and Skinnier..... He even wears Glasses! AND SAME AGE!!"Hey, Alexis!!" Logan Screamed and Waved. "Wazzup....?" I asked. He was Silent for a couple of Seconds. "Uhhhhhh........ Waffle Cones....?" He said. Yeah He's Weird Like That "Guess What I found today." I said. "I Dunno....." He said. "A Little Husky Puppy!!" I said with a HUGE smile on my face. "Cool...." He said. He isn't as wild for dogs as I am...... "Cool......? IT'S NOT COOL! ITS AWESOME!!!!" I screamed in the hall RIGHT as the Princabal walked out of the office. "Ms. Rinard!!! No Screaming In The Hall!! Detention!!" Mrs. Unger Said mad. She Wrote me a detention slip. "What!? No WARNING!?" I said to her. "Nope! You Do this EVERYDAY!!" She said and walked away. "Ugh..... Just what I Need.....!" I said. "Sorry....." Logan Said. "Its Okay.... Its Not Your Fault......" I said. "It is!" He said, not really meaning it. "Its Not, Dude!!" I said. Then Logan Changed the subject. "Hey! There's Jimmy!!" He said, running up to him. "Oh gawd...." Jimmy Said. Jimmy is 16, and STILL in 9th grade!! He failed 1st grade...... He's Tall, with Blond hair, blue eyes, beautiful blue eyes..... Err..... I mean... He is Skinny.... ( Epic Fail Excuse..... ) Maybe Now is a good time to say he's my crush...... "Hey Alexis...." Jimmy said Smiling. "Hey Jimmy" I said Blushing. Logan was hugging Jimmy..... Yeah..... THAT'S how weird he is...... "Im NOT gay, Logan!!!" Jimmy said. "You'll Come Around!!" I Said To Jimmy Laughing. "NO I WON'T!!!" He said. Logan isn't gay, by the way. Or Is He.....? LOL Then The bell rang.... Logan, Jimmy or Me haven't been to our lockers yet..... So That Ment we were gonna be tarty, and I was probaley gonna get Saturday Detention!!

So Far Do You Think She's A Dork....? Tell Me what you think!! Also.... I'll make Chapter 2 tomorrow maybe....
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  #2  
Old 09-05-2011, 09:05 PM
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Default Re: Me Just Being ME [A Story Of A DORK]

I think this needs work. A lot. This is bad, and I honestly think you might be trolling and not actually writing. Please, do not go ANY further with this story until you read this. I'm going to point out the problems you need to fix in this post, and I hope you'll read this. Because a TL;DR is impossible for this post.

First off, a font size larger than one and bold print should only be used for important words or the title of the story. Using it in the whole story makes it an eyesore, and if I'm correct you are using it to make the story look bigger than it already is. You can't hide the fact that this chapter was only three paragraphs long. The smileys also make the story look VERY unprofessional, and make this look more like a series of twitter or facebook posts and not at all like literature. You also capitalize words in the middle of sentences, which is incorrect grammar. There are also numerous misspelled words, and the words you used as descriptors are extremely bland. Also, you used this too many times:

Quote:
....
You used that in place of EVERY punctuation mark, when it should only be used to signify a silence of some kind. Unless you paused every sentence to move away from the mic to breath in, in which case it's perfectly ok.



Second, there appears to be no plot or character development at all. What makes your main character a dork, for example? I see nothing other than a basic description of what she looks like to define her by, no personality or defining traits. She makes Ash Ketchum look like a detailed character with deep and intricate emotional background. What is this story about? All that happened was that Alexis woke up, someone found a puppy, and the principal of your school walked by. To sum it up, Friday had more of a plot.

Finally, the character is not at ALL a dork or nerd. If she was, there would be Portal references, internet jokes, and many other things nerds actually do. Refer to this website for info on nerd culture.

In the end, this story stinks. It makes My Immortal look like masterpiece. I've listed the mistakes you made, and I hope you improve on them. Otherwise I'll read what our numerous spam bots post instead of the posts you make. I still see a chance of you learning to be a good writer, but you will need to use effort. And perhaps a dictionary too. I've taken the time to write this review because I think you can use both next time. Yes it is a harsh review, but it's a constructive one. I hope you can use it to build a better story. I'm done now.

P.S. Pokefarm is a god awful adoptable Pokemon game. Use GPX+, it's got better graphics and it's what Kolink ripped off.

Oh look, Nikes for only 9 euros! Wait, why is my firewall saying "System Breached"?
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Last edited by NES2; 09-05-2011 at 09:08 PM.
  #3  
Old 09-05-2011, 09:55 PM
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Unhappy Re: Me Just Being ME [A Story Of A DORK]

Its my first one.... no need to be mean.... ............. Im Not a Pro or anything...... Plus I was trying to make it SOMEWHAT like Goosebumps..... anyway.......
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  #4  
Old 09-05-2011, 10:30 PM
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Default Re: Me Just Being ME [A Story Of A DORK]

First off, Goosebumps is not quality literature, so don't use that as your guide to writing. Second, I did come off mean I will admit. But I was describing the story, and I in no way have any problem with you as a person. You need to improve your writing though. A lot.
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  #5  
Old 09-05-2011, 10:49 PM
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Default Re: Me Just Being ME [A Story Of A DORK]

Yeah.... My Mom Thought It Was Good, and I Should Know Better Than Listen To Her LOL
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  #6  
Old 09-05-2011, 10:58 PM
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Default Re: Me Just Being ME [A Story Of A DORK]

I'm sorry, but I feel that a mother is a bit biased just by nature. Show it to a language arts teacher for an opinion perhaps? After all, that's the person whose expertise is in writing.
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  #7  
Old 09-05-2011, 11:03 PM
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Question Re: Me Just Being ME [A Story Of A DORK]

Do You EVER Laugh at ANYTHING.......?
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  #8  
Old 09-06-2011, 07:36 AM
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Default Re: Me Just Being ME [A Story Of A DORK]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Epic View Post
Do You EVER Laugh at ANYTHING.......?
Well I sure don't. Unless it's actually funny. Sorry, but I do agree with NES2. And Friday was deep man. It had a message. A message that changed me as a person. That you should always get down and have fun, fun, fun, on friday. And always look forward to the weekend.

XDDD
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  #9  
Old 09-06-2011, 01:56 PM
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Default Re: Me Just Being ME [A Story Of A DORK]

At the very least, there is no reason for you to type everything in an abnormally large, bold font.
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  #10  
Old 09-06-2011, 09:17 PM
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Unhappy Re: Me Just Being ME [A Story Of A DORK]

People... Please stop saying stuff like this........ I'm very emotional.......
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  #11  
Old 09-06-2011, 09:31 PM
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Default Re: Me Just Being ME [A Story Of A DORK]

Nope. Not even a "I'll try to improve" or "I'll get better and follow your advice".

Quote:
I'm very emotional.
That's your response.

If you post something, ANYTHING, on this board, we are going to assume it's literature. And if it's literature, it's going to be reviewed and criticized.

If you keep posting in this thread like it's your personal diary, we will keep telling you that this is NOT a diary. If you write something we like, we will say we like it and applaud your work.

Please, stop with the whining already and write something good already. You've already had a thread locked because of how many people explained to you that this isn't creative writing. We aren't going to stop just because you told us to. We will stop when you write something worth reading.

If you don't have the emotional stability to take criticism, then you shouldn't write at all either. Not every post is going to be a shower of praise, and there will be some negative reviews. What you then have to do is work harder and try again, until you win those people over. I challenge you Epic, to win ME over. I know you can do it, but you need to use effort. If you can't at least try, then you shouldn't be here.
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Last edited by NES2; 09-06-2011 at 09:37 PM.
  #12  
Old 09-06-2011, 10:46 PM
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Default Re: Me Just Being ME [A Story Of A DORK]

There is no reason to hate on her. So what, you don't like how she writes. You're entitled to your thoughts, and she has the right to dissagree. She can write what she wants. If it makes her happy to write it, let her be. Writers come here to be free, to write what they want. I get how this isn't the place, but just flat out tell her that instead of raging on her.

Your expectations are not everyone elses. It should be moved, and I think that is what should happen, but you don't need to beat the hell outta it.

Yes, she won't take your critique because it's too agressive. If you ask nicely, she might. If you rage and rant, it'll not change. Raging and ranting includes, but is not limited to:

"My Immortal is better": ANYTHING is better than My Immortal. Even a messy A scrawled on a page is better.

"Friday had more of a plot": Seriously? That's not critique; thats insults.

"Harsh, but constructive": I think it's just harsh man.

Are you just farming for post count? Because if you are, then stop. If you are trolling, then stop. You are flaming, please,

Stop.

P.S: I'm not defending the story. I don't like it either, but i'm not going to insult someone with the same passion as me. Even if she is not a very good writer, she's still a writer and shares what you share: A love for writing. So why throw insults? Have fun, relax. You might even learn a little about yourself. Writers are writers: We're all unique and cliche'd in one way or another.
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Last edited by Max0596; 09-06-2011 at 10:49 PM.
  #13  
Old 09-06-2011, 11:31 PM
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Red face Re: Me Just Being ME [A Story Of A DORK]

Thanks Max....... You're the only one that has stook up for me.... Not only in this.... For the whole time i've been on this site.....
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  #14  
Old 09-06-2011, 11:38 PM
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Default Re: Me Just Being ME [A Story Of A DORK]

And plus..... You! SHUT UP!! Your being really mean.....! Being... SO mean to a Middle Schooler!!!! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!!!!! Why are you so mean, NES2?!?!
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  #15  
Old 09-06-2011, 11:58 PM
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Default Re: Me Just Being ME [A Story Of A DORK]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Epic View Post
And plus..... You! SHUT UP!! Your being really mean.....! Being... SO mean to a Middle Schooler!!!! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!!!!! Why are you so mean, NES2?!?!
I've known NES2 for all three years I've been a middle schooler (going into high school this year) and he's never been outright rude to me. But he clearly is to you. I daresay it doesn't have as much to do with your age as it does your writing level.

That said, he has some legitimacy to his words. Please don't take anyone who's not blankly praising you as being 'mean' -- if we don't point out what's wrong, then you can't fix it, and you won't get any better. I would recommend looking at some of the other stories on this site and checking out their format and whatnot. Almost everyone uses the default size and font, which is purposefully designed for everyone to be able to read, and no one uses smilies except in author's notes. People use line breaks more than to change scenes. If you look over these rules and apply them to your own writing, then chances are the snark reviewers on this site (or really any other) won't take you as harshly.
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