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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 08-13-2011, 10:59 PM
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Default Heroes' Log

OOC: Obligatory writer talking about his story here. This is my umpteenth attempt at a series. Hopefully this one lasts longer than the 2nd entry. On another note, this was the first time I wrote a story using these characters that are loosely based on myself in like 2+ years, so it was pretty refreshing to use these characters after all that time. It WAS a bit awkward depicting them in a relationship though, but the rest of the series probably wont be as mushy as the first chapter. Also, I hate starting these things because for some reason the beginning is always extremely wordy.

Heroes’ Log 001 – Back in the Ring

Reminiscence

“Get moving,” a female voice demanded.

A young man was being led to an unknown location. All the man could see was darkness, but he felt the woman’s hands pressed into his back. He heard a loud thud and suddenly felt a sharp piercing pain in his chest. The man let out a muffled cry, which was soon drowned out by the sounds of the others around him. He could hear the faint breathing of several living beings, but they weren’t human. Eventually, the man was stopped, and the woman’s hands pressed down on his shoulders, forcing him to his knees.

“Are you ready?” the woman asked.

“Let’s get this over with,” the man replied.

The woman’s smooth hands traveled across her captive’s cheeks. Her dainty fingers soon found the blindfold wrapped around the man’s head. The thin digits quickly slipped underneath the cloth and freed the white handkerchief from the boy’s face. He opened his brilliant green eyes and quickly surveyed his surroundings. The sudden burst of sunlight after seeing nothing but darkness shocked his pupils, causing him to see faint blurs. Lying in front of him was a small white tablet with strange writing on it. Standing around him were several creatures of various sizes – Pokémon. He turned to the woman that had led him here, staring deeply into her hazel eyes. Before he could open his mouth, the girl’s light brown hair bounced as she dove at her hostage. Her strength knocked the boy onto his back, knocking his head into the ground.

“Happy birthday Sean!” the woman yelled, planting a kiss on her boyfriend before rising to her feet.

“Take it easy Stacey,” the boy replied, rubbing the back of his head, “it’s not that important; I have a birthday every year.”

“Don’t act like this isn’t important,” she replied with a stern – yet cute – expression on her face, “this year is the big one!”

“18 years, huh?” Sean answered, staring longingly at the blue sky, “feels like yesterday when I was just a naďve kindergartener, living a normal life.”

“Normal my ass,” Stacey laughed, “the school burst into flames and you almost died in a fiery explosion! You’re just a magnet for trouble.”

“Hey, my trouble didn’t start until after I met you!” her boyfriend replied, playfully hugging his lover.

“Watch the PDA,” she replied, “I’m still a minor! You wouldn’t want to get arrested for inappropriate activities now, would you?”

“Don’t act like you don’t want it,” Sean said, “besides, you’re only three months younger than I am!”

Sean Marshall and Stacey Myers, two love struck teenagers that shared a powerful bond. They first met at the tender age of five; at the Apricot City Elementary School. Both of them had grown-up without knowing their true parents, and this commonality was what drew them together. It didn’t come as a big surprise when the two playmates eventually became a couple. At the age of 14 these two shared a powerful bond of affection that most married couples couldn’t attain. Their love was so strong that it even transcended Death itself…

Three and a half years had passed since the couple’s destiny had been put on hiatus. Now that their world-traveling journey was finally over, the duo was able to return to their hometown: Apricot City. Using money they had obtained from various errands and part-time jobs, they had been able to rent a small house in the outskirts of the city. This small one bedroom house was the result of the couple’s dream – to live a peaceful life together. They were now celebrating Sean’s birthday in that very backyard, surrounded by all of the Pokémon they had managed to befriend. While the group enjoyed some of the birthday cake, a white cake filled with cream cheese, Stacey snuck inside, returning with a small box wrapped in blue paper and decorated with a gold bow.

“Here, a little present from me,” she said, handing the package to Sean.

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” Sean smiled, “having you here with me is present enough.”

“Oh please, we all know you were expecting a gift,” Stacey teased, “besides, this gift found its way to me.”

Sean tore through the wrapping paper and lifted the lid of the cardboard box. Inside the box was a small necklace with a pendant attached to it. The boy’s green eyes lit up as he raised the necklace up to the sunlight. The pendant was shaped like a large teardrop, and was crafted out of a green material that reflected a multi-colored glow in the sunlight.

“Impossible… the Jewel of Life,” Sean whispered, mesmerized by the jewel’s shine, “I thought I lost this during the final battle.”

“One of our friends must have found it and sent it here,” Stacey replied, gazing at the gem, “this is my first time truly seeing it. It matches your beautiful eyes.”

“I went through hell to get this,” Sean smiled, gazing at his reflection in the gem, “but it was worth it…”

More than three years ago, Apricot City was attacked by monsters from another world. The attacks claimed few lives, thanks to a quick response from the powerful Apricot City Police Department. Unfortunately, one of the victims was Stacey Myers, sending Sean on a dangerous quest for revenge. His journey took him to other dimensions, where he met many strange and interesting characters. He eventually encountered Arceus; the Pokémon rumored to have created the world itself. It was during this encounter that one of Sean’s close friends revealed their true colors, betraying the boy. Fortunately for Sean, Arceus intervened and brought the young man to its lair. It was somewhere above the Spear Pillar that Sean received Arceus’ Judgment attack. The Alpha Pokémon deemed the hero’s heart to be pure and granted him a fragment of its mystical Jewel of Life. Using the fragment’s power, Sean was able to revive Stacey, reuniting the couple and giving him the motivation necessary to defeat his former friend once and for all.
“I really missed you,” he said, turning to his girlfriend.

“I missed you too,” she replied, kissing her angel of life.

Sean’s birthday ended on a peaceful note. After night had fallen, the couple recalled their Pokémon and retired to their room for the night. Sean stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. The man staring back at him was four years older than he had been during the biggest disaster in his life, but the young boy’s innocence shown through this older person. Sean ran a hand through his dirty blonde hair before crawling into bed with Stacey. The couple quickly fell asleep; enjoying what was unexpectedly their last night in this gentle home.

A Chance Meeting

That night, while the couple was sound asleep, an old friend found himself in dangerous battle. Kakashi Hokura, a friend of Sean’s since elementary school, was attacked in his family’s ancestral home. Hokura Manor, a Japanese-style mansion built ages ago by the original members of the Hokura clan. The Hokura (Japanese for “Fire Blossom”) were a family of shinobi tasked with extinguishing flames long before Apricot City was built. Kakashi was the last surviving member of the clan of ancient firefighters. The rest of his family was wiped out by Moltres, the legendary bird with a powerful grudge against the clan. But tonight, Kakashi faced a foe even more fearsome than the Legendary Pokémon than had tormented him three years ago.

“Who are you?” he asked, clutching his left arm in pain.

“Dead men have no need for names,” the mysterious figure replied before thrust a dark blade through the man’s chest.

Before the murderer fled the scene of the crime, he took great care to remove evidence of his existence. He then did something that few criminals ever did; the man notified the police. By the time the ACPD had penetrated the mansion’s walls, the stranger had already disappeared. The police were at a complete loss without any evidence. The only thing they were certain of is that Kakashi had been killed by a blade forged from an unknown material.

The incident made the morning news, alerting Sean and Stacey to the passing of their friend. They were skeptical at first; the Kakashi they had known was too smart to be killed without any sign of a struggle. But when the victim’s face, scarred by burns that had been inflicted many years ago, appeared on the TV screen, the couple let out a synchronized sob.

“I can’t believe he was killed,” Sean wept, “we didn’t even have time to get reacquainted.”

“Why would somebody kill him?” Stacey cried, “I don’t think he had anything that would be valuable.”

Sean and Stacey decided that the best course of action would be to visit the grave of Kakashi’s old love. They both wore the blackest outfits they owned as they somberly scanned the graves. At the back of the Apricot City Cemetery was a small tombstone with the name “Rose Sanders” etched into it. Rose was another old classmate who Kakashi had fallen in love with. Apparently she had died not too long after Sean had left the city. Kakashi never shared the specifics, but Rose had helped him defeat Moltres back then.

“It looks like you and Kakashi will be together again,” Sean said, holding Stacey close with one hand while he placed a rose on the burial ground.

“I’m sorry, am I interrupting?” an unknown voice beckoned from behind them.

Sean turned to see an older male wearing a black suit and tie standing behind them. The man was too young to be a grave keeper, but something about him seemed strangely ancient. His face was covered in scars, but his body suggested that he was young than 30.

“We were just paying our respects,” Sean replied, “did you know Rose, sir?”

“Oh, pardon my manners,” the man replied, scratching his shaved head, “my name is Jack Manhattan, I’m in charge of passing messages between various parties.”

“Like a delivery boy?” the boy asked, suddenly uneasy by Jack’s formality.

“A certain kind of delivery boy, yes,” Mr. Manhattan replied, closing the distance between the two, “you see, I specialize in… private matters.”

“Why are you whispering?” Stacey asked, wiping away her tears.

“My clients are very, ahem, ‘special’ individuals,” he continued, “they tend to frown on messages that are overheard by the police, or other unsavory characters.”

“So, you work with the black market?” Sean asked, clenching a fist behind his back.

“That is correct,” Jack replied, pulling a small envelope from his pocket, “this is for you, Mr. Marshall. I didn’t expect to be able to give you this personally, but you isolated yourself surprisingly quickly. It is my policy to personally check each message before delivering it, and I have to issue a warning: you shouldn’t travel alone.”

The couple watched as the shady individual quickly fled, leaving them to examine the contents of the envelope. Sean peeled back the flap, flinching as he pulled out a small piece of paper. He breathed a sigh of relief when he realized that it was just a regular letter.

“Well, what does it say?” Stacey asked, trying to read the message over her boyfriend’s shoulder.

“Considering how fast that Manhattan guy ran away; it can’t be anything good,” Sean replied, reading the letter aloud, “[i]Dear Sean Marshall, let me start by apologizing for the terrible news. I visited your friend Kakashi with the intention of finding your residence and leaving, I never expected him to resist like he did. You recently regained possession of a valuable artifact; one that my organization wishes to own. Unfortunately for you and your girlfriend, this means you must be killed, and soon. Take care until then; Nobody Important.”

“Did he really sign it, ‘Nobody Important’?” Stacey asked, almost laughing at the ridiculous pen name.

“There’s a reason for that,” Sean said, clenching the letter in his fist, “he doesn’t plan on letting us live long enough to put his name to use.”

“Wow, that’s a serious threat,” the girl replied, gripping Sean’s arm tightly, “what does he mean by ‘organization’? And what do you think they want?”

“My guess is that this man is part of a group of ne’er-do-wells like Team Rocket,” Sean explained, examining the necklace he had received as a present the day before, “the only item I have that could be considered a ‘valuable artifact’ is this necklace. This organization might have found out about the Jewel of Life somehow. How did you say you found it again?”

“It was hand-delivered to our mailbox,” Stacey said, trying to remember more about the delivery, “there wasn’t a return address, but our address was there. I think whoever sent this to us knew about this unimportant guy and sent it discreetly.”

“I’m pretty sure we just met the delivery boy,” the light-haired boy replied, “but I don’t think he’d give us any information about the sender. Still, nothing we can do but go home.”

“And watch our backs,” Stacey added, obviously concerned about the threat.

That single warning letter completely changed the mood of that day. The couple had started the morning feeling depressed about the death of a close friend, now they were worried about their own fates. During the walk back home, Stacey suggested calling the police, reminding Sean that they had several friends on the ACPD. Sean remembered that those friends had all been killed by Achito, a troubled boy who found it necessary to turn on his friends in exchange for power. Even though his friends weren’t around, the police could still offer the couple protection, but a heavy feeling in his gut dissuaded him from contacting the authorities. They were less than 15 minutes away from their house when a powerful siren echoed throughout the sleepy city. The couple looked into the sky and saw a pillar of smoke coming from the direction of their neighborhood.

“Sean, Stacey, thank goodness you two are okay!” Mrs. Logan, one of the neighbors screeched, hugging the pair tightly, “Mr. Logan and I were worried that you w-were dead.”

“O-our house!” Sean cried out, watching the house burn in brilliant white flames.

“Oh no, the Pokémon,” Stacey jumped, fearful for their partners’ lives.

“Don’t worry, I kept them safe,” a voice with a gentle tone said.

A teenage boy handed Sean a duffel bag containing dozens of Pokéballs, some inhabited and some empty. The boy’s style was something that would be impossible somebody to miss. His hair was a dark green color with a large ponytail that hung down to his waist. He wore a black baseball cap a white button-up shirt with a black long-sleeved shirt. His face was soft and his eyes glittered with the same innocence that Sean possessed. Stacey shifted her gaze between the two of them, noting the similarities.

“He’s not your son, is he?” she asked, a peculiar look on her face.

“That’s not even possible,” Sean replied, “thanks for saving our Pokémon. I can’t even imagine what you went through.”

“It was no problem,” the mysterious boy replied, “the fire wasn’t that big when I went in.”

“Wait, you were there when the fire started?” Sean asked, with an apprehensive look on his face.

“Oh dear, it looks like you have the wrong impression,” he replied, “I was there when the fire started, but I wasn’t the one that started it. It was a Darumaka that is responsible, and a mean-looking one at that.”

“Okay then, if you aren’t the arsonist, then who ARE you?” Stacey asked.

“My name is N,” the boy replied, “I’ve taken an interest in Sean’s exploits, so I came to this city to find you.”

“So you’ve been stalking us?” Sean asked, becoming increasingly agitated, “and what kind of name is ‘N’ anyways? Couldn’t your parents give you a more proper name?”

“Unfortunately, the people that raised me… didn’t have my best interests at heart,” N said, staring down at his feet, “but I don’t have time to give you guys my life story; I’m late for an important engagement. I’m sorry for your accident, good luck finding Darumaka.”

“Hey, wait!” Sean yelled, but N had already turned to leave, “something about him seems pretty familiar.”

“He doesn’t seem like he wants to hurt us,” Stacey said, turning back to the burning house and crossing her arms, “what are we supposed to do now?”

“Damn it!” Sean roared, grabbing his head, “there are too many questions, but we don’t have a single answer!”

Meanwhile, in a condemned building in the shady part of the city, a panicking gentleman was having a meeting with his boss. The worried man stepped through two large doors, into a giant room shrouded in darkness. His boss sat on a throne in the darkest part of the room, with one of his most loyal subordinates by his side.

“Did you do as I commanded?” the boss asked.

“Y-yes sir!” the generic grunt replied, “I had Darumaka burn their house to the ground. But, they weren’t home.”

“What?” the boss yelled, pounding his fist into the arm of his chair.

“I’m sorry!” the grunt yelled, “I was sure they were home, but they must have left when I wasn’t looking.”

“Did you at least release the Darumaka?” the boss’ favorite asked.

“Yes, I did,” he replied, “but, I don’t see the point. I mean, we spent all of that time training the damn thing, making it violent and such. Why would we want to release it?”

“By releasing Darumaka, we effectively erase all ties to our organization,” the boss explained, “we trained it to be violent and lash out at the first sign of our prey. With it running loose in the city, they are bound to cross paths. It is also possible that they are chasing the Pokémon, but when they find it…”

“It will prove much stronger than the wild variety,” the other man laughed, “weakening them in preparation for our next attack, because of your little blunder.”

“I’m sorry!” the grunt yelled, dropping to his knees, “please, let me go back out there. I know I can get them this time!”

“You have failed,” the boss explained, motioning to the third gentleman, “and the Darkhul agency does not tolerate failure.”

“Please, just give me a second chance,” the grunt begged.

“I’m sorry,” the boss’ favorite said, pulling out a large blade, “dead men have no need for second chances.”

Before he died, the grunt in charge of burning down the Marshall residence caught a glimpse of the killer. The man wore a black suit that he purposely left unbuttoned, revealing his bare torso. His facial expression was twisted and his hair was kept in short, jet black spikes. He smiled cruelly as he raised his weapon, a large black blade crafted from the finest materials available. The murderer swung his blade, decapitating the pathetic grunt. The bloodthirsty criminal let out a wicked, howling laugh as he kicked the sever head like a soccer ball.

“What will we do now, master?” he asked, turning to face the leader.

“Send the other grunts to patrol the city,” the boss commanded, “they aren’t allowed to rest until the Jewel of Life is found!”
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  #2  
Old 08-13-2011, 11:00 PM
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Default Re: Heroes' Log

Homecoming Battle!

Without a house or money, Sean and Stacey were left wandering the city streets. They were too afraid to rest; the warning delivered by Jack Manhattan still tormented the couple. Sean trailed behind Stacey, fixated on the mysterious boy they had met earlier that day. Try as he might, he could not come up with a single connection between himself and the green-haired boy.

“This sucks!” Stacey cried out, causing Sean to jump.

“Yeah, we lost everything in that fire,” he replied, hanging his head in shame, “I should’ve brought my bank pass with me. It was stupid of me to just leave it. Now we can’t even afford to rent a room at the Pokémon Center.”

“I don’t think I’d be able to fall asleep,” Stacey replied, pushing back her bangs, “there are just too many things we don’t understand.”

“The only thing I’m sure of is that N knows more than he’s shared with us,” Sean said, “it’s too convenient that he saw the Pokémon that burned down our house, but not the person responsible.”

“So you still suspect him, even though he risked his life to save our Pokémon,” Stacey said.

“That’s just it,” Sean explained, “what’s to say he didn’t just sneak in and snatch the Pokémon before starting the fire? It’d be an easy reason for us to trust him, wouldn’t it?”

“Now you’re just being cynical,” his girlfriend replied, “if N was connected to that letter, I doubt he would burn down our house if he knew we weren’t inside. Plus, we wouldn’t be able to fight back without our Pokémon.”

Suddenly, a powerful explosion of smoke came from the Apricot City Park. Smoke began rising from the trees, filling the air with a foul stench. Sean and Stacey turned to each other and nodded. The park being set ablaze the same day their house burned down couldn’t be written off as a coincidence. The duo ran into the park, searching for the source of the blaze.

At the center of the burning park was Darumaka, a young Fire-type Pokémon. The Zen Charm Pokémon bears a striking resemblance to daruma dolls; a Japanese good luck charm. It stands on two small yellow feet and uses its tiny hands to push off the ground and leap into the air. The small Pokémon was put through rigorous training by the Darkhul organization, causing it to become a menacing pyromaniac. Sean and Stacey emerged from the brush as it continued spewing powerful flames from its mouth. The training it had received took effect as soon as it recognized Sean. It let out an aggressive roar before firing a stream of red hot flames from its mouth.

“Look out!” Sean yelled, pushing Stacey away as he jumped out of harm’s way.

“This must be the Darumaka N was talking about!” Stacey yelled, picking up the bag containing the pair’s Pokémon, “Sean, catch!”

“Thanks,” he replied, digging into the bag for a Pokéball, “alright Darumaka, let’s see if you’re still burning hot when Dewott is through with you!”

Sean tossed a red and white ball in front of Darumaka. The Pokéball bounced off of the ground and released a bright stream of light. Inside the light was Dewott, a Water-type Pokémon from the Unova region. It was a slender, well-disciplined creature with two scalchops clinging tightly to its thighs. Sean and Dewott had spent a lot of time honing the otter-like Pokémon’s blade craft, making it competent with its scalchops. This was going to be a battle between two very different upbringings; one of discipline, and one of violence.

“Dewott cut it down with Razor Shell!” Sean commanded, pointing at Darumaka with authority.

The blue furred Pokémon grabbed both tan seashells and entered a crouching stance. As it had done a hundred times before; Dewott channeled its energy into the scalchops, covering them in an aqua light. The edges of the shells extended into sharp points, resembling small blades. Dewott crossed its arms and dashed forward, moving at an impressive speed. Darumaka’s body tensed up, fearful of the Water-type attack.

“This is the result of our training!” Sean cried boldly, “this is Scalchop Style – Twin Dagger!”

Dewott jumped into the air, diving towards the Fire-type with both scalchops at the ready. Both arms quickly uncrossed, creating a blue “X” in the air, slicing through Darumaka’s arms. But the Zen Charm Pokémon didn’t back down. It brought its arms back and exhaled a powerful burst of red flames, scoring a direct hit on the recoiling Dewott. As the Discipline Pokémon reeled back, Darumaka clenched its fist, surrounding it in flames. The red Pokémon’s Fire Punch crashed into Dewott’s face, slamming it into the ground. Darumaka let out a victorious cry as it stood over its weakened opponent.

“Crap, I didn’t think it’d be able to withstand that attack,” Sean said, “Dewott, knock it away with Water Gun!”

Dewott tilted its head forward and took a deep breath. The Discipline Pokémon shot out a stream of liquid that lifted Darumaka into the air. The Zen Charm Pokémon did a flip and fired a Flamethrower attack away from Dewott, using the energy to start charging Sean’s Pokémon. The Fire-type flipped around and clenched its fist, preparing another Fire Punch.

“Dewott, strike back with Razor Shell!” Sean cried.

Dewott once again channeled its energy to create two more scalchop daggers. With Razor Shells in hand, Dewott sprang into the air to meet Darumaka’s Fire Punch. As the flames raged on in the background, both Pokémon soared towards their foe. Darumaka was the first to attack, swinging its fiery right fist. Dewott used one of its scalchops as a shield to catch Darumaka’s attack. Once the flames had burnt out, Darumaka was left defenseless, but Dewott still had a second scalchop. The Discipline Pokémon smiled and raised its spare blade. It pushed away from Darumaka and spun in the air, slashing the Zen Charm Pokémon multiple times. The Water-type landed on the ground, its shells raised into the air. Darumaka slammed into the ground behind it, beaten.

“Alright, you did it Dewott!” Sean cheered.

“Sean, we have to put out these fires,” Stacey said, “take Dewott and go, I’ll make sure Darumaka is taken care of.”

“Thanks babe, I appreciate it,” Sean called back, running into the park.

Stacey smiled when Sean disappeared into the trees. She took off her black coat and dropped in on the ground, revealing the white top she was wearing. The girl also slipped off her black dress, giving the denim shorts she wore underneath room to breathe.

“Can’t focus on a battle when I’m all sweaty,” she said, pulling a Pokéball out of the bag.

Stacey Steps Up!
“N, you’ve returned,” a powerful voice echoed through the white room.

“Yes I have master,” the green-haired boy replied, bowing towards the source of the voice.

The Hall of Origin, a place rumored to be the birth place of the universe. Despite popular belief, it is not permanently above the Spear Pillar. The hall can be manipulated by Arceus’ will, allowing it to float over any part of the world undetected. Arceus uses this hall to watch over its guardians, guiding their actions to help carry out its will. Only those bearing a connection to the Alpha Pokémon, either by fate or by playing the Azure Flute, are able to ascend the staircase and reach this legendary hall.

“So, you have met the successor to my will,” Arceus called out.

“Yes I have,” N replied, “he seems… curious. He accused me of interfering with his life, but even with his angry demeanor I was able to sense his powerful aura. When the time comes for his fate to be tested, I will proudly fight alongside him.”

“That is very good,” Arceus replied, “but what did you think of the other one?”

“You mean the girl?” the green-haired boy asked, “there was nothing special about her.”

“Ah, it seems she does a better job of hiding her strength than she lets on,” Arceus chuckled, “they will probably never admit it, but Stacey was dead. She spent a year in the afterlife, but even though she had been killed, she punished herself for being weak. Her soul was pure enough to have her wishes granted, so she willingly chose to subject herself to vicious training.”

“So that’s why Sean has the Jewel of Life, right?” N asked, “But if Stacey is that strong, why does she hide it?”

“Pride,” Arceus explained, “she wants to maintain her image as Sean’s damsel-in-distress. In order to hide that secret, she convinced him that there was no Heaven, making him reluctant to kill.”

“So neither of them is willing to fight at full strength?” N asked.

“No, and that is a hurdle that they both must overcome if the ever hope to survive the coming ordeal,” Arceus explained.

Back in Apricot City, Stacey was watching Darumaka intently, tossing a Pokéball in her hand. The Zen Charm Pokémon began to stir. The girl smiled when she heard the Fire-type yawn. Darumaka flickered with a purple light before rising back to its feet.

“Whoever trained you is pretty clever,” Stacey smiled, “instead of continuing the fight, you used Rest to recover your strength. If neither of us had figured it out, you could’ve fought endlessly, right? But now that Sean is gone, I can battle with full force. Blaziken, I choose you!”

Stacey’s Pokéball burst open to release a Fire/Fighting-type Pokémon. Blaziken was roughly the same size as a professional basketball player, with legs almost twice as long as its upper body. Blaziken’s body was covered in red feathers that allowed it to channel heat. Darumaka sensed the similarity in type; trigger its alpha male personality. The small round Pokémon curled into a ball and rolled towards Blaziken with force, gaining speed as it traveled.

“Blaziken, you can stop Rollout with Double Kick,” Stacey suggested.

Blaziken nodded, sliding its right leg behind its back. Darumaka let out a cry from its rolling stance, unable to avoid Blaziken’s counterattack. The Blaze Pokémon swung its leg, making contact with Darumaka and bouncing it upward. As soon as it confirmed the hit, Blaziken clutched the ground with its right leg and swung its entire body around. The left leg swooped up and hit Darumaka with bicycle kick worthy of the Major League Soccer team. Darumaka went careening into the ground, forming a small crater with each bounce.

The Zen Charm Pokémon decided to change its angle of attack, leaping into the air above Blaziken. It began channeling energy through its body, surrounding itself in a bright orange sphere of pure energy.

“It knows Superpower?” Stacey asked, impressed, “that’s a high-level attack for a Darumaka. It must have been trained well. Blaziken, negate its attack with Featherdance!”

Blaziken raked its chest with its powerful claws, pulling out two large clumps of feathers. It flicked its wrists, flinging several dozen feathers towards Darumaka. The flurry of plumage wrapped itself around Darumaka’s energy, draining it of all strength. The down floated wistfully, weighed down by the energy it had stolen from Darumaka. The young Fire-type let out a yelp as it was now falling helplessly to the ground.

“Blaziken, it’s time for a killer combo!” Stacey yelled, pointing skyward, “start with Sky Uppercut, but as soon as you land the hit, use Bounce to flip into Hi Jump Kick!”

The Blaze Pokémon used its powerful legs to leap into the air, clenching one its talons into a fist. Darumaka screamed as the grey talon smashed into its face, causing it to fly upward. Before the Zen Charm Pokémon was out of reach, Blaziken grabbed it and used it as a stepping stone for another powerful leap. Using the momentum, the Fire/Fighting-type was able to perform a flip and stretch out on of its long legs, shifting the momentum to sail downwards. Blaziken’s foot struck the back of Darumaka’s head, sending it crashing back down to earth. Stacey’s Pokémon landed on the ground, taking a soothing breath.

“Don’t think that you’ll get away with using Rest while I’m around!” the girl shouted, “Blaziken use Earthquake to knock it into the air, and then strike with Stone Edge!”

The girl’s Pokémon stomped the ground, sending a powerful shockwave that shook the earth towards Darumaka. Blaziken sprinted close behind the shockwave it had created. When Earthquake connected and Darumaka was bounced into the air, Blaziken stomped the ground with incredible force. When it pulled its leg up, a large boulder with a sharp edge followed it up. The Blaze Pokémon did a flip, striking Darumaka with the sharp edge of the rock, slamming it into the ground for a third time. Stacey checked the bag for an empty Pokéball, spinning around and letting it fly towards the defeated Zen Charm Pokémon. The ball engulfed it in a red light, shaking several times as it attempted to lock its target in. At that point, Sean returned after extinguishing all the flames.

“Stacey, what did you do with your dress?” Sean asked, “And why is that Pokéball there?”

“It was hot, so I tossed the dress away,” Stacey replied, putting on an innocent face, “and Darumaka started moving, so I threw a Pokéball because it was too strong for me to battle.”

Sean nodded, completely oblivious to the truth in front of him…
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Old 08-13-2011, 11:03 PM
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Default Re: Heroes' Log

Hope you enjoyed the revival of an old (dead) series.


Pokemon: Darumaka
Target: 10,000 - 20,000 Characters
Actual: 31,666 Characters (What a waste of 10k )
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Last edited by Gokudera-Kun; 08-14-2011 at 10:03 AM.
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Old 09-12-2011, 08:34 PM
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Default Re: Heroes' Log

It seems like you have the oldest unclaimed story as the one before you on the list hasn't been active since he posted it. So Claimed, might be a while
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Old 09-13-2011, 06:15 PM
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Default Re: Heroes' Log

Intro
My first impressions of the story on a whole.

I must say that your introduction was great. It was intriguing and suspenseful and then twist! I didn’t expect it coming, and I had to keep reading. You did a good job picking a title that didn’t give away the surprise. That being said, the subtitles between each major point seemed rather out of placed.

“Reminiscence” makes sense for the first part, as Sean is remembering important events, but “Chance Meeting” doesn’t. A chance meeting stresses a lack of premeditation and randomness. The two meetings seem to be planned. Jack Manhattan has being searching for Sean and Stacey, while it seems like N wanted to see Sean’s and Stacey’s potential. “Homecoming Battle!” also seems off, since they have just lost their home. If it was meant to be ironic, it’s kind of tacky given the situation they are in, since they don’t have a home nor make a new one in this part of the story. “Stacey Steps Up!” works as it describes what is happening, though it spoils the fact that Stacey is going to battle and that it is a problem within the context.

Overall the story seems great! So onward to the next section.

Plot/Reality
What stuck out in my mind as I was reading as unusual.

As I said, your hook was great, and hooks are the second most important part of a story. It draws your readers in, but it’s the ending that makes your story worth anything. Since this is a series starter, I won’t stress this too much.

The ending of this chapter was sort of odd. Mostly because you already had a very nicely detailed battle immediately preceding it and then go right back into another heavily detailed battle. You see how both battles seem to be on the same level of “climax” so it leaves one to have to read two battles before reaching the resolution.

It was a nice twist to have Darumaka use Rest, but when a story seems to have a climax already having another conflict and climax directly after can make your story seem to drag. I liked the ending, as it told more about Stacey’s personality, and you couldn’t have the Arceus and N conversation without showing Stacey battling, so I feel that Dewott versus Darumaka could be scaled back a little. It’ll leave the reader seeming that the battle was too short and not as big of a climax, and then you’ll have Stacey’s battle alleviate that, making it seem less of something that was just tacked onto the end, and more of a satisfying ending.

Also, why didn’t Sean and Stacey have insurance? I would think that wild Pokémon damage would be placed on a house in the Pokémon world. :P Just a random thought that you don’t have to address, but it’s just because I took some Law courses at University.

Also, you play around with the theme of life and death, as Sean had resurrected Stacy from the dead. What I would like to see is more of Stacy’s reaction to being stripped from Heaven. If you’ve seen Buffy,
Spoiler:
she was also killed and went to heaven. When she was brought back, she loved her friends enough to not tell them and make them feel bad until she was forced to sing it by a demon (great episode btw). However, she had all this pent up anger that she needed to tell someone, so she tells Spike.
I feel that having a strain because Sean pulled Stacey from Heaven this would add a lot of tension between Sean and Stacey and create an interesting relationship between the two. I’d like to say that true love conquers all, but there’s just so much that a person can take, you know? You die to help the one your love and go to heaven where everything is so nice and peaceful. But then you’re drawn back to earth where there’s pain and suffering and you’ll have to deal with death over and over again. It is a very powerful theme that I believe could benefit this story.

Lastly, it seems like there is a lot of backstory, and while you touch up on it a bit, I as a reader feel that it’s not enough. Take the climactic battle that Stacey died in. You give a lot of general but interesting details about another dimension and a journey, but you do it in passing so it feels like there is a lot more you’re not telling the reader. I hope you either create another story or explain it more later in this one, because it feels like your holding out on the reader, and readers don’t always like it. In this case, it just feels like you’re trying to explain the situation and then get on with the rest of the story in the present.

It happens again to a lesser degree with Kakashi. However, this works, because Kakashi is a side characters, and the important thing is just the bond that he has with the two main characters. This is what really makes the difference between the two.




Details:
What kind of picture did you paint with your words.

You have amazing detail. However, sometimes your word choices and sentence structure create ambiguity or other oddness.

Quote:
Rose was another old classmate who Kakashi had fallen in love with.
I know you were trying to say that Rose was another old classmate of S and S, but the way you present it makes it seem like Kakashi had fallen in love with a lot of old classmates. This is because “who Kakashi had fallen in love with” comes directly after “another old classmate.” If you just switch up the order or added a word or two, you would remove the ambiguity:

Quote:
Rose was another old classmate of ours, and Kakashi had fallen in love with her.

Kakashi had fallen in love with Rose, who was another old classmate.
You see how this eliminates it.

Quote:
During the walk back home, Stacey suggested calling the police, reminding Sean that they had several friends on the ACPD. Sean remembered that those friends had all been killed by Achito, a troubled boy who found it necessary to turn on his friends in exchange for power.
Here you don’t have a lot of detail, and it makes it seem like you just wanted a quick explanation and then move on. You might know everything about the story, but your readers don’t, and when you do this, it just feels like you couldn’t come up with a good enough reason and just stuck this in. You say that all of his friends in the police died in a short sentence, which also makes it seem that Sean didn’t really care enough for his friends to warrant a few more sentences about their death.

Quote:
He heard a loud thud and suddenly felt a sharp piercing pain in his chest.
After rereading your story knowing what happens, this quote from the opening that seem to make much sense. It seems like it was seriously hurt from what appears to be a love tap from his girlfriend.


Quote:
“I’m sorry, am I interrupting?” an unknown voice beckoned from behind them.
Beckoning is when you call someone over with a gesture, not a voice.

Quote:
She took off her black coat and dropped in on the ground, revealing the white top she was wearing. The girl also slipped off her black dress, giving the denim shorts she wore underneath room to breathe.
So she has a white top, but then also a black dress? In my head, the white top would be over the dress, making it seem odd as she would then have to put the shirt back on. I think what you meant is a skirt, probably a mid-length one.

One final detail/word choice problem:

Quote:
Before he died, the grunt in charge of burning down the Marshall residence caught a glimpse of the killer.
This phrase is used primarily when someone is surprised and their killer or whatever is running away from them and is lit. You mention earlier that the room was “shrouded in darkness” and that the boss was in the darkest part of the room. How then is it that the grunt could see what the boss looked like? If the room was dark enough to see the boss, then the phrase “caught a glimpse” wouldn’t work because then he would have been looking at his boss the entire time.

The last detail is something that I know that you’re probably not going to change, because it has been a part of the characters in your head for so long, but when you make a series, having two main characters with the same first letter can get confusing to the reader. I know that half the time I saw an “S” I would think about the wrong character. When naming a couple, whether romantic or not, having them start with the same letter can make them more memorable, like May and Max, but the difference with yours is that “Sean” and “Stacey” have different syllables so it doesn’t have the same effect. I’m sure that after you build up the story, the characters will sort themselves out in the minds of the readers, but keep this in mind if your decide to make a shorter story down the road.


Grammar:
What your high school english teacher would point out.

So you have an overall good grasp on grammar, alliteration intended. However, you constantly make the same error with dialogue:

Quote:
“Take it easy Stacey,” the boy replied, rubbing the back of his head, “it’s not that important; I have a birthday every year.”
When a dialogue tag comes between two dialogues, you have to check against two factors:

1) Is the dialogue tag actually a dialogue tag that makes sense? and
2) Is the dialogue tag interrupting a sentence?

In the above, “replied” is a verb that can be used; however, “Take it easy Stacy” is a single sentence, and “it’s not that important[…]” is another sentence. In this case, you end the dialogue tag with a period and then capitalize the first word of the continuing dialogue. This can be confusing to people, because the two sentences might come from a single “thought,” but not be a part of the same sentence. This rule also applies if the second dialogue begins with a compound word like “and” or “but.”

Here is a good example that I like to use, and if you’re a fan of YGOTAS, then it’ll be easier to memorize:

Quote:
"It looks like the rules," Kaiba said, "just got screwed."

"Screw the rules; I've have money," Kaiba said. "Now draw your last pathetic card, Yugi, so I can finish you."
You see how in the first example, the second dialogue cannot exist as a separate sentence and is a part of the whole sentence “It looks like the rules just got screwed.” However, in the second example, Kaiba had finished his sentence and is starting a new sentence.

So look through your story because almost every time you have dialogue, you make this error.

While we’re on the subject of dialogue tags, make sure that the verb being used makes sense as a dialogue tag. “Said” “asked” “yelled” are all fine, but you can’t “laugh” a piece of dialogue, or at least it will be really hard to do it. It is the same thing with emotions like “smile” or “sneered.” Even if the definition of the word means that you do something while talking, a reader is going to look at it and go, huh? I can’t make a face when I talk. Here is one that’s just wrong:

Quote:
“Oh no, the Pokémon,” Stacey jumped, fearful for their partners’ lives.
Lastly while dealing with dialogue tags, if you just a have a conversation between two people, you should constantly be saying, he said, or she asked.

Quote:
“Happy birthday Sean!” the woman yelled, planting a kiss on her boyfriend before rising to her feet.

“Take it easy Stacey,” the boy replied, rubbing the back of his head, “it’s not that important; I have a birthday every year.”

“Don’t act like this isn’t important,” she replied with a stern – yet cute – expression on her face, “this year is the big one!”

“18 years, huh?” Sean answered, staring longingly at the blue sky, “feels like yesterday when I was just a naďve kindergartener, living a normal life.”

“Normal my ass,” Stacey laughed, “the school burst into flames and you almost died in a fiery explosion! You’re just a magnet for trouble.”

“Hey, my trouble didn’t start until after I met you!” her boyfriend replied, playfully hugging his lover.
You see how it is unnecessary? We know that he says something in response to her; that is why you make a new paragraph. If you want to still have the actions, you can, but take out the extraneous dialogue tags as it appears like your insulting the reader’s ability to keep up with two people talking.

Here are some MISC errors you made:

Quote:
“Dead men have no need for names,” the mysterious figure replied before thrust a dark blade through the man’s chest.
Thrusting

Quote:
“Considering how fast that Manhattan guy ran away; it can’t be anything good,” Sean replied, reading the letter aloud. “[i]Dear Sean Marshall, let me start by apologizing for the terrible news.
What comes before the semicolon is not a sentence, it should be a comma. And the [i] I’m guessing is just from you not closing what is read from the letter.

Quote:
The Hall of Origin, a place rumored to be the birth place of the universe. Despite popular belief, it is not permanently above the Spear Pillar. The hall can be manipulated by Arceus’ will, allowing it to float over any part of the world undetected. Arceus uses this hall to watch over its guardians, guiding their actions to help carry out its will. Only those bearing a connection to the Alpha Pokémon, either by fate or by playing the Azure Flute, are able to ascend the staircase and reach this legendary hall.
You change tenses within the same paragraph. Don’t do it.

Quote:
Darumaka sensed the similarity in type; trigger its alpha male personality.
What comes after the semicolon is not a complete phrase. It does seem to modify Darumaka, so it could read something like this:

Quote:
Darumaka sensed the similarity in type, triggering its alpha male personality.
Lastly, during the battle, you should create a new paragraph when a Pokémon uses a move, so that the readers could follow along easier. Sometimes each attack got lost inside the large paragraphs.


Length:
The length of time it felt like to read this story.

I was intimidated that a medium level Pokémon was this long, but the story was engaging, intriguing and had good motifs. As I said, the only thing that really tripped me up with lack of enough backstory at times and the dialogue issues.


Personal Feelings:
Really? I have these?

I love the series so far. You managed to hook me from the start, and kept it going when you said “Their love was so strong that it even transcended Death itself…” However, like I’ve said, I feel that there is still a lot you’re not telling us. Also:

Quote:
“Impossible… the Jewel of Life,” Sean whispered, mesmerized by the jewel’s shine, “I thought I lost this during the final battle.”
Totally reminds me of that part in B. Spears “Oops, I did it again” music video when the astronaut finds the necklace from the titanic.

Conclusion:
One Liner Wrap Ups

Plot/Reality: It’s like a big butt; I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring.
Details: Lost of details, just be careful that they don’t clash with each other.
Grammar: Dialogue punctuation needs fixing.
Length: Glad you’re not one of those that tries to add another Pokémon just because of extra characters.


Verdict:
Spoiler:

Darumaka
Spoiler:



I had no real reason to fail you. Your plot is nice, albeit the structure could be tweeked. You’re major grammar issue is one that can be confusing to many people; just don’t do it from now on. And you’re details, while flawed at times, were well done. Have fun with your Darumaka.



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