Magickarp story. Title : All in, including the karp
characters: 2603 (with out spaces, 3100 + characters with spaces)
this is my first real story attempt
and yes i kno im a horibl spelllerr so im going to say all are on purpose lol
ok lets go
(cue some ac/dc music, or what ever you prefer to listen to as long as it isnt smooth jazz)
setting: parisian casino, 2 a.m., world scale poker turnament, paris, France. its winter and its snowing(the season and weathr are totally irrelevant to the story, i just like snow.)
So there i was, dealt a pointless hand, obviously not evan able to win the round, so my only cjoice was to bluff. i laid my hand, a 2, a 4, a 5, 7, and 9, off all different suits, down in front off me face down. i tossed out 3mil$. raising the pot to 45mil$. 3 of the 4 players left put in the same ammount following the raise, eliminating the spanaird who folded. the rather short man with a remarkable tan took off his designer sunglasses, leaned his chair back and tossed his cards out so all could see them. no pairs, no scoring combos, high card was a queen. no points. he did exactly what i should have, walked away while he still had bills in his pocket.
so, with no option left, i pushed onward, continuing my bluff. the table was raised 7mil, then 10 more. i looked across the table at my opposition, an older man with spiked greying hair wearing a crisp white lab jacket named oak and a larger man wearing a green robe trimed generously with gold thread. upon his head, this man named ghetsis wore a gold, jewel embeloshed crown that looked slightly too small for his head as if it was originally crafted for a person much younger than he. i give no sign of my bluff to either, while i starred each directly in the eye, i noticed a quiver in the eye of the prof. i then cast my attention on his quickly shrinking stack of chips. he had nowhere near enough to go in on the next 15 mil $ raise.
the dealer asks the professor his move and he stammers fir awhile. he then quiets and pulls a weathered breifcase up from underneath the table. he enters the combonation code and slowly opens the case. he hesitates, and i notice the beads of sweat tht have appeared upon his wrinkled forehead, then he determinedly extracts a shiny poke'ball. he enlarges it and rolls it into the middle. its the ultra-rare pokemon "magikarp", he says, it should cover the 15 mil and raise it another 4 mil. the dealer knods and turns to ghetsis.
Ghetsis frowns in disgust and folds, loosing over 50 mil over the course of the last round. the dealer then turns to face me and says what'll it be? i have less than 20 mil left so my only choice is to go all in. Oak tosses in his remaining chips and we show our cards. oak holds 3 aces and 2 kings. i show my empty hand. no sooner does oak move the mountain of chips back towards himself than two large men in black suits rushthrough the large double oak doors and speak with the dealer. the dealer knods and the men hurry to the other side of the table and drag oak out the back steel door.
Mr. dealer turns to me, smiles, and says the pots all mine. Oak had been holding an extra deck and was caught on the casino cameras making me the winner. so i leave 300 mil$ richer and the proud owner of a magikarp. of course i built myself a large pool with a connected hot tub and a waterfall then i gave the restto charity (see, im a nice guy!) but i kept the magikarp that i look to raise into the strongest 'mon ever.
You Know You Want To Dance Like Ludicolo Too!
Last edited by i-dance-like-ludicolo; 07-25-2011 at 05:59 AM.
Re: Magickarp story. Title : All in, including the karp
Claiming, because you'll probably have a heart attack if I don't. XD
I'll try to get the grade up soon, but it's, like, 2am and stuff right now, so I might be a few hours... XD DON'T WORRY. I'LL BE DONE SOON.
Re: Magickarp story. Title : All in, including the karp
No problem. Sorry it took me so long to get here. And now I finally understand what you meant about poker, lol... XD I tried to make this brief, so as not to scare you. THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT, M'KAY?
Introduction: Basically, your introduction is one of the most important elements of your story. It helps draw the readers in, bring in your characters, and set up your plot. With that in mind, it’s pretty much the basis of your entire story. Point being it’s really, really important.
Your introduction isn’t the typical run-of-the-mill type of thing, at least. You have a little play sort of thing going, and you cue some music and tell us the setting. I found it strange, though, that you had to give us the setting all in one chunk, especially under a label entitled “setting”. Since the rest of your story isn’t in a script-form, the thing you had with the setting seemed a bit strange. It would’ve worked just as well had you simply described how the snow was around as the man stepped through the casinos in Paris, and it would’ve been a bit less confusing. The music bit, too, felt a bit out of place, even if I didn’t like jazz. The music, whether it was listened to or not, really shouldn’t be a pivotal part of your story: your good plot, description, and other things should be what gets us reading.
A good introduction, as someone once told me, should have a hook, introduce your characters, and maybe address some of your setting. You do a mixture of all three, kinda, but it’s not as effective as it could be. The cinematic effects that you had at the beginning (the music/setting bits) were kinda distracting and not as efficient as you could have made them. You would find them to be much more effective if you integrated these bits properly into your story, instead of separating them from it. That’d certainly make it less awkward, and it would help your introduction pack more of a punch, m’kay?
Plot: I must admit, your plot was certainly more entertaining than most other Magikarp fics, and I’m impressed. It’s not Pokémon, it’s Poker. Apparently. I was confused as to why Ghestis was playing Poker in Paris when he’s supposed to be somewhere in Unova on the run, but… hey, I can’t complain. It sure beat your classic “trainer walks into woods, finds/battles/captures Pokémon” plot, and that’s pretty awesome of you. It’s not that important now, since you’re new to writing, but a good plot becomes key as your progress into more and more advanced stages of story writing. Your plot is what keeps the reader interested, and it becomes one of the reasons we still keep reading once we get to the middle of your story. You seem to have a good grasp of creative plot concepts already, so you’re definitely on the right track there. Good job. ^.^
Detail: You’ll find that in story-writing, a good mastery over details and descriptions helps build up the atmosphere of your story. You’ll want to put in as much description as you can in the right places at the right time without being redundant—you might have the story laid out in your head, but it’s also your job to show us what you’re thinking.
In this story, you could definitely have used a little more detail. What does the main character look like? Is he/she male or female? (I’d assume male, from some of your writing, but I can’t be sure) Is he/she even human? We assume he/she is, since he/she’s playing Poker and all of that stuff, but you do need to say that. You do a pretty good job of detailing the thoughts of your characters, but you’d also need to describe their emotions, actions, and appearances.
You did do a good job in some places, though. Having not played B/W, I just remember Ghestis as that evil guy. Who does… evil stuff. Yeah. But you described him really well, with his cool crown thingy and a lab coat, and that was pretty awesome of you. I also like how you described the main character’s thoughts—it helps the reader understand what the character is thinking, and it helps the reader get into your story. So really, your description was a mixed bag. In the future, you should probably look into employing some more detail, as it would really help out your story. There are a few parts where you’ve shown that you’re capable of having good description, and it’d be awesome if that transferred to the rest of your story.
As a side note:
the season and weathr are totally irrelevant to the story
Le gasp! False. Season and weather and things might seem inconsequential at first, but details like these are going to help build your mood. For instance, if it’s a dark and stormy night in the story, a reader is already going to be nervous and waiting for a zombie to pop out of the closet. If the sun is shining and there are butterflies in the warm spring wind, we expect something happy. At higher levels (or even in your next story?) you can use details like weather to build a mood for your piece and make it that much awesome-r.
Grammar: Your grammar was, sadly, one of the elements of your story that wasn’t so great. I’m not going to overwhelm you with a detailed analysis of every single sentence or grammatical error that you’ve got, but you should understand that grammar is pretty important in readability. You can’t just say that your typos are on purpose and get away with it, unless you’re doing something really, really risky (like, say, parodying My Immortal, but it didn’t look like you were doing that).
Firstly, we’ll touch upon capitalization. Whenever you start a new sentence, you’ll need to have a capital letter instead of a lowercase one. So this:
… over the course of the last round. the dealer then turns to face me …
Would become: …over the course of the last round. The dealer then turns to face me…
And so on and so forth. For every single sentence that you write, really, because that’s how grammar goes.
Also, you’ll definitely want to capitalize the letter “I” )every time you use it as the pronoun that means the same thing as “me”), pretty much, because that’s another grammatical concept that you’ll have to take into consideration. So then this:
So there i was, dealt a pointless hand…
Would become: So there I was, dealt a pointless hand…
It looks like a small detail, but it’s really something that’s important in the English language. XD
Often, you overuse abbreviations. In formal (I suppose, since this is fiction, we’d call this… semi-formal?) and other forms of writing, authors are often discouraged from using abbreviations such as “mil” for “million”, “$” for “dollar”, and numbers such as “3 or 4” for “three or four”. You can just as easily write out shortened forms like that and make them into longer, more correct words, to get a better sort of piece going. Not using abbreviations makes your writing look more professional, and it’ll end up looking prettier.
A large portion of your grammatical errors, however, appear as typos. Things such as “knods” and “turnament”, along with other misspellings, become glaringly common in your story. It’s not the worst thing that you can do, but having multiple typos in your story often distracts the reader from the story itself and makes him/her focus more on things such as your grammatical errors. You definitely don’t want that, so your goal is to create a story that has as few grammatical errors as possible. Like I mentioned earlier, I’m not going to go through and flag every single grammar issue that you’ve got—that’ll drive us both nuts, I think. XD However, I do suggest that you use some sort of Word program, preferably one equipped with spell-check, when you’re writing your stories. Spell-check will often catch the typos that you might miss, and it occasionally helps catch some of your grammatical mistakes, too. You’ll find it to be invaluable in your story-writing experiences if you want to use it. However, it’s not going to catch everything for you, so I also suggest that you do some proofreading, preferably after you’ve finished your story and let it sit for a while. That way, your mind will be fresh and you can catch any mistakes that you might have missed earlier. It might sound like a pain, but having good prose and grammar is really, really useful in creating a good story.
Length: I’ve got you counted in at 3,230 characters with the introductory setting/music bit (for the record, we always count spaces in URPG story writing), and 2,953 without the setting/music bit—I couldn’t figure out if that was in your story, but I assumed it was since that would put you closer to your own estimated character count.
A Magikarp is Easiest Rank, so your suggested range is 3-5K. You’re barely scraping the bottom suggested limits here. Since this is your first story, I’m really in no place to yell at you for that, although I would suggest that you aim for the middle or upper limits in your next story.
Personal Feelings/Outcome: For your first story, I’m pretty impressed. While there were a lot of things that you could improve, we’re all learning here. You did a pretty good job for your first time around, I think that you have a solid start for a writing foundation. You’ll have some room for improvement, just like everyone else, but I think you could easily write some really great stories with time. ^.^
Again, this is your first story, so there’s no harm there. Also, you’re writing for a Magikarp, so we’re not asking a lot of you. The requirements are pretty lose, and I think you’ve met them.
Therefore, I can gladly say:
Like I’ve mentioned before, your story is a good foundation. In the future, if you plan on writing some more stories (I hope you do. ^.^), you might want to take some of my advice into account. Your plot so far has been really creative and original, so I think you’ll be okay there. However, I do suggest that you work on those little bits like your introduction, and that you also include lots of delicious details and polish up your grammar a bit in the future. For a story of this rank, though, what you have is definitely fine. You’ve got a really good start, and I’d like to see you go far.