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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 07-18-2011, 05:47 PM
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Default The Sand Demon (Ready to be graded)

This is my first catch, and there are 11166 characters in total.

~~~

The farmer’s land is his treasure. This is the basic knowledge every human should know before interfering a farmer’s work. But what if there is a demon that treasures the farmer’s land more than anything else?

The sun stood in the middle of the sky, warming Mister Sonozaki’s young plants. If there is something he is more proud of than his wife and seven daughters were his crops. But he didn’t know that something out there is about to destroy his pride. Not a regular demon, but a monster that lives underneath the field, waiting to take what belongs to it. And Mister Sonozaki can’t do a thing.

Oshino was a weird person in first sight. He would usually wear a pink Hawaiian shirt with red flower patterns all over it, usually widely open, showing his tanned, muscular body. He would also wear a pair of brown shorts and walk barefoot. His bushy hair and goatee were yellow as a fresh lemon and his eyes were brown as the ground he walks on. From his right ear hanged an earring shaped as a black cross, and around his neck he had a necklace made out of wooden beads. Not your typical twenty eight year old man, but more like your neighborhood friendly pot head.

Oshino had only one current mission, looking for his master, old man Kanagi. The blonde claimed that his master was gone on a long trip, and promised that he will return after a week. He was gone for ten years. Oshino can’t explain why he decided to go now, but something in him told him to do so. Well, more like his girlfriend made him do so. But a bit of heroism wouldn’t hurt. Oshino didn’t really care for him master, besides the fact that he is his girlfriend’s grandfather.

Right now he was on his way to a small town, where a merchant swore he saw a man that looks like Kanagi’s description.

Oshino hummed himself an old familiar tune as he approached the village.

People were running around, panicking, but the calm Oshino kept going on, ignoring. He kept hearing the words ‘monster’ and ‘demon’ filling the tense air. That could actually fit his master’s description.

You probably think what Mister Kanagi taught Oshino. The old man aught Oshino everything the blonde knows. Fighting, cleaning, cooking, respecting others and an ancient art taught only in Kanagi’s dojo. Since Kanagi didn’t have any sons or grandsons, he took Oshino, a good for nothing child, and turned him into a good for nothing man. Oshino remembers and controls well the skills Kanagi taught him, but he is way too lazy to use them. This is one of the reasons he dates the old man’s granddaughter.

Oshino entered a small pub. It was absolutely different than what was going on outside. People seemed much calmer and less caring about what is going on.

The blonde took a sit next to the bar and called the bartender, asking for a glass of cold water. It seems weird to go to a pub and ordering a glass of water. It’s all thanks to Kanagi’s teachings that Oshino hates alcohol. Sadly, Oshino missed the lesson where Kanagi explains that smoking is bad for you as well.

Oshino turned to look at the big window caring the pub’s name ‘Little Heaven’s Garden’. The villagers were still terrified. Oshino never saw such a thing in his life, and he used to live in a village in the middle of nowhere, a potential place to suffer from bandit raids. The grey haired bartender stood behind Oshino, looking at the mayhem as well.

"One of our best farmers got killed a couple of hours ago. His workers claimed it was a monster." The bartender said and refilled Oshino’s glass.

“Couple of hours? Things should have gotten calmer by now." Oshino said, laid back as always. Some people might find it weird that he didn’t ask about the monster.

"This is a village where most of the people are farmers. They are afraid of losing their jobs. Mrs. Sonozaki already lost hers." Said the bartender feeling bas for the poor woman, which lived only on the money her husband made.

“Didn’t they call a demon slayer?” The younger man asked. “I met few on my way here.” He added and took a sip of the cold water.

“I don’t know. If you are really that curious, ask Sonozaki’s workers. They sit over there.” The bartender said and pointed at a group of old men, sitting by the table and drinking alcohol in order to calm down.

Oshino approached them and smiled at them, trying to be as friendly as possible. They, however, gave him cold, intimidating looks. He tried a different approach. He set by one of them, a fat aging man that stanched from alcohol. That man could kill Oshino with one hit, if the blonde will annoy him, of course. He had to choose his words carefully.

“So I heard you had monster problems.” The blonde said with a smile. The farmers stared at him.

“What is that to you?” A thin, old farmer asked him.

I was just wondering if you hired a slayer.”
“Not yet, why?” The thin farmer asked.

“Because I am an exorcist.” Oshino asked with a smile.
~~~

The field looked like a war stroke in the middle of it. There was blood everywhere and the ground was completely empty. No bodies, no plants, just blood that came out of one person. Oshino touched the ground with his bare hand and picked some sand. It felt like the same type of sand you find in the desert. The complete difference from the sand you usually use in farming.

The farmers told him a bit about the farm. Mister Sonozaki bought it from a merchant that was long gone from the area. The merchant got the land from his father, which died from a disease. The farmers told Oshino that the merchant’s father took a good care of the land, almost like it was his child. It was obvious the ground didn’t want Mister Sonozaki as its new owner.

Sadly, spirits, monsters, demons, Pokémon, none of them knew what death is. They didn’t understand what it’s like to move on. Oshino tried his best to teach those things to his Scraggy, but the lizard Pokémon had difficulties understanding the term. It’s hopeless, but he guessed the best way to explain this term to his friend is to take him along in the search for Kanagi. The man also thought it’s nice to have a friend while you search the world for a man who could be dead by now. But when you love that someone’s granddaughter, you will keep looking until the end of the world.

Oshino ordered the farmers to calm the townsfolk and asked them to come back to the farm at night. He never knew why exorcism was done at night. Oshino asked Kanagi that question, but the old man never bothered answering, and always told him to think about the important things. He guessed that even old Kanagi didn’t know the answer.

But now he had to think about the important things.

"I want a long wooden beads necklace. I want it to surround the farm. I also need a barrel of water and a scarecrow. Please dress the scarecrow as a farmer. I also need stripes of paper, a brush and black ink. I also need two girls, I prefer that they will be twins, and they must be around the age of ten. Dress them in white kimonos, and they mustn’t touch anyone else after they take a shower. Give them small bells and tell them to sleep in the afternoon, so they won’t be tired while we do the exorcism. I need a room and a white hakama. I would also like a meal. I haven’t eaten in two days and I am short on money." Oshino ordered the farmers. Everything must be perfect. If one thing won’t go according to his plan, he might get killed.

The shower he took that night was probably one of the best showers he took. It was the first time he would actually capture a Pokémon that was possessed and not release it. His journey might be long, so he must be ready. Sure Scraggy is powerful and useful, but he must be ready for something stronger than his good old friend.

As he came to the field, he saw everything he asked for. A barrel of water, a scarecrow dressed as a farmer, and two beautiful little twin girls dressed in white kimonos and holding red sticks with many tiny silver bells on them. Two of the farmers surround the field with the wooden beads necklace.

"Perfect!” Oshino said happily. He was glad everything was going according to what he planned.

"Here are your sheets of papers and ink." A fat lady told him as she approached him. "I am Mister Sonozaki’s wife. Thank you for getting rid of that monster.” She wanted to hug Oshino, but she knew she mustn’t. He must be pure while he works.

Oshino simply smiled and nodded. He took the ink and paper and started drawing weird signs that looked like different types and poses of Unown.

He scattered the papers on the sand, and a tiny shaking could be felt. He took out his red and white ball and threw it in the air. Out of it came a lizard. Its eyes were oval shaped and on the sides of its head. It had a red scale on the back of its head. Below his yellow head was his cream colored body, a couple of thin arms, and a red belly. Its molted skin around his legs and tail resembled trousers.

The villagers were surprised to see his choice of Pokémon. They expected to see something rather more spiritual. But Oshino didn’t care. They had work to do, and Scraggy knew exactly what to do from past experience. He had to keep their target as busy and tired as possible. Oshino signed the twins to start playing the bells as he places the scarecrow in the middle of the field, right next to the barrel of water. Oshino mumbled something. No one could figure out what it was.

Suddenly the ground started to shake.

"Get ready!” Oshino called at Scraggy.

The ground shook and the sand started to take a form of a giant lizard. No. Not a lizard. But a crocodile. The beads and strips of paper should weaken it a bit. Hopefully, that possessed Sandile won’t get hurt too much in the process. The creature approaches the scarecrow and sniffed it. Suddenly it got mad at the doll and wrecked it with its sharp teeth, knocking down the barrel of water.

Plan A got ruined. Their only hope now was Scraggy’s power.

"Attack it!” Oshino yelled. "Help that poor soul!”

Scraggy ran towards the crocodile and kicked its head. Suddenly, the sand being locked its jaw around Scraggy’s leg.

"Don’t panic! Just use your head! This is your specialty!" The exorcist called. Scraggy head butted the monster a couple of times until it gave up and let go.

Suddenly a wave of sand covered Scraggy’s body. That wasn’t good. That wasn’t good at all. It could end right now.

"Hi Jump Kick!" Oshino called.

The yellow lizard jumped out of the sand, barely made it out alive. Since it didn’t hit a target, Scraggy fell on the ground, hurting itself. The crocodile was nowhere to be seen. Scraggy looked around, ready to attack.

It started to focus his entire power into his small fist. The sand demon appeared behind Scraggy, its mouth wide open. The yellow lizard turned around quickly and punched the possessed Sandile’s mouth. The Pokémon flew towards Oshino, hitting his foot that was in the air, ready to stop the crocodile. The sand washed away from Sandile’s body, showing his true colors.

The crocodile fell on the ground, unconscious. Oshino threw a ball on the Pokémon.

Oshino hoped that he would capture Sandile. But even if he won’t, at least the village is safe.
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  #2  
Old 07-29-2011, 10:32 PM
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Default Re: The Sand Demon (Ready to be graded)

Claimed, since you're active. :D
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Old 08-21-2011, 05:44 AM
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Default Re: The Sand Demon (Ready to be graded)

I feel incredibly bad, but I'm unclaiming this, because I have so much work at the moment and I'm taking a break from grading. ;-; I'll get somebody else to get this. I'M SO SORRY THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. YOU'RE JUST SO PRETTY... Okay I'll stop now.
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Old 08-21-2011, 08:27 PM
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Default Re: The Sand Demon (Ready to be graded)

I'll take this, because Lasky asked me to and because you've been waiting long enough. My apologies to the other story that I've got claimed; I'll try to hurry. =X
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Old 08-25-2011, 05:24 AM
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Default Re: The Sand Demon (Ready to be graded)

Late grade is atrociously late. My apologies. ._.

Introduction: Basically, we’re looking at first impressions of what’s going to happen. You’ll want to get a good hook to get your story cooking, and then you’ll want to introduce some characters, a setting, and maybe some sort of conflict going. Let’s take a look at your first few sentences, right?
Quote:
The farmer’s land is his treasure. This is the basic knowledge every human should know before interfering a farmer’s work. But what if there is a demon that treasures the farmer’s land more than anything else?
Hmmm. Mixed feelings here. Having these pondering sort of narratives certainly aren’t wrong, but they just kinda feel odd to me. That’s probably just me, but whenever you have one of these pensive, third person paragraphs where you delve in to some sort of philosophical question, you better be pretty darn sure that whatever you’re addressing is going to grab some attention. You’ve done a somewhat good job with that, or at least as good of a job as you could have talking about farmers and their land. That’s not meant to be an insult, I swear; it’s just that having a farmer treasure his land is… kinda peaceful, you know? It seems almost a bit too bland, a bit less show-y and too tell-y for my liking.

As it is, my general gathering from this paragraph: the character in question is likely a farmer. Odds are, he’ll be working on a farm. He treasures his land, and that’s the basic knowledge that a human should know. Of course, with the specificity of the word “human” comes the almost obligatory fact that something non-human – since this is URPG, it’s almost guaranteed to be a Pokémon – is going to come in the way.

On the plus side, this means that your introduction fits in nicely to your story, although not so nicely that we’ll understand exactly what’s going to happen. Kinda. You introduce what we assume are going to be some characters and the setting, but what you’re lacking from an awesome introduction is a solid hook: you want to draw the reader in to the story, be it through some sort of action, strange dialogue, or some profound musings, or something else altogether. You’re leaning towards the “profound musings” section with your farmer and his land, but you could make it a lot more effective by turning it up a notch. Sure, the farmer treasure’s his land. But how much is he willing to risk for it? You can make the premise much more intriguing by making sure that the reader has some sort of connection to the story, whether by their attachment to the farmer himself, or by being reminded by a desire to protect something that is just as strong as the farmer’s. Or something. Basically, you can write it however floats your boat, but you’ll want to make the introduction powerful and interesting to draw some attention.

As it is, barring the hook (which wasn’t even bad, honestly; I just felt the need to point this out), I’d say your introduction functions pretty well. There are some things to improve on, but I think you’re doing just fine. ^.^

Plot: Your introductory sentences and what we can draw from them basically sums up your plot in a nice little package, lol. Basically, there’s a farmer who has a demon!Sandile on his farm that he needs to eradicate; enter the slayer/exterminator who attempts to use some funny methods to get rid of the Sandile, fails, and then tries to capture the little blighter on his lonesome. For a medium ranked capture, that’s certainly a respectable plot, and you’ve got some hintings of an even epic-er plot in the works, with little drops like Oshino’s searching for Kanagi, all of the juicy backstory that you’ll want to expand on, and so on and so forth. Unless, of course, this is a one-shot, in which case I should lambast you for leaving so many plot threads hanging. I’m pretty sure this is part of a chapter/serial, though, so I’ll be looking forward to reading those bits in the future.

I do wish, though, that you had expanded a bit more upon some details in your story. There were things that could’ve used some explanation that we never got, some characters that didn’t pull through for me, etc etc. Namely, you used a lot of Japanese jargon. I got the gist of it and kinda understood that you were in a Japanese-style universe (what with Oshino, Kanagi, and such. XD), but some of the words you used didn’t exactly come through to me. Words like “hakama” and such don’t make sense to the average viewer/reader, so you might want to explain it a bit. Not in such a blatant “A HAKAMA IS A TRADITIONAL STYLE OF CLOTHING WORN IN JAPAN, WORN OVER A KIMONO AND TYPICALLY FALLING TO THE ANKLES” sort of thing, but maybe you could come back to the hakama a little bit later and talk about Oshino’s putting it on or something. Maybe? How you explain it is up to you, but you’ve got to deal with the fact that most readers in the URPG are pretty uninformed about Japanese culture, and we won’t understand words or customs they way other people will. It’s not that much to work around, but it generally creates confusion when you use words like that in such a casual and unexplained manner.

I do really wish that you had explained the actions of Sandile a bit, though. For a while, I wasn’t sure if it was even the demon causing Sonozaki all this trouble or if it was merely in the wrong place at the wrong time. I’ll assume that it was the former, for the sake of the story, but you really did get me wondering about that. Perhaps you could improve that a bit by explaining some of the bad things that the Sandile did, or describing it directly attacking the village or something, right? From how I interpreted it, the Sandile just popped out of the ground, got confused by the scarecrow, and then got jumped by the villagers. Perhaps the entire thing is just an entire misconception, either from myself or the villagers, but you’ll definitely want to clarify both situations: I’m assuming that you wanted the Sandile to be some big, scary, possessed demon that’s attacking the village, in which case you’ll definitely want to emphasize the bad things it’s done. Otherwise, you’ll just leave a lot of confusion concerning both Oshino and the Sandile’s motives, and said confusion will detract from the awesomeness of your story.

Like your introduction, I think your plot is stable enough for a capture at this rank. There were some plot holes and stuff that you’ll want to look in to in the future, but you’re set for a capture of this simplicity. Again, you’re doing just fine.

Detail: Again, you’ve got a good foundation here, as with your other sections, but you come across as a bit lacking when we look farther. Don’t worry; it’s a really, really good start. However, to make your story truly come to life, you’ll need some good detail in it – remember that we, as mere non-telepathic readers, can’t look inside your head and see the scene that you’re imagining in your story. It’s your job to use good description to show us what you’re thinking and make things happen.

Quote:
The sand washed away from Sandile’s body, showing his true colors.
Instances like these are a great time for some description. You wash away the sand and show Sandile’s true colors, but what *are* said true colors? It seems like you could be going for a metaphorical approach here, with Sandile revealing that it’s a traitor or something, but there wasn’t many “false” colors for Sandile to show anyways. I’m going to assume that you meant the true colors under the layers of sand, meaning the original colors… but what are those? We don’t really get a good description of Sandile in the story, and I’m actually having a hard time remembering which one of the Unova buggers a Sandile is. I’m assuming it’s that red crocodile’s pre-evolution, but I honestly don’t remember what it looks like. I think it had sunglasses, but I can’t figure it out from the description that you’ve given me here. Don’t be afraid to spend a few paragraphs discussing what it looks like, from colors to body structure to little dark auras hanging around it because ‘s possessed and whatnot; as long as you don’t go too far overboard, you’ll be making your story a lot better.

On the note of possession, I’d like to bring up what I mentioned in the plot section a bit again, merely because I felt it was important. I still don’t see what’s so evil about this little Sandile. Sure, the villagers are talking, and sure, Sandile doesn’t look like the friendliest thing, but there has to be more than that. Try going for a “show, not tell” perspective in your writing. You’ll want to show things rather than tell them, as the phrase suggests. Instead of saying “THE SANDILE WAS POSSESSED AND IT WAS SCARY”, you can talk about how many souls it devoured or how its eyes glow with dark fire from hell or something. Little details like that will heighten the mood to your piece and make your story a lot more effective, I promise.

However, your descriptions of Oshino and Scraggy were quite good. While the whole “block ‘o text description” isn’t really the best, I think you did it well enough that I can’t complain. In the future, though, to make your details better, you could bring up those things again. Oshino has a silly looking pink and red Hawaiian shirt, or so you say in the beginning of the story. You can remind us of it again by mentioning it later on, or telling us how he brushes his “lemon” hair out of his face when the wind blows at it or something. You’ve got the gist of getting the bigger details out of the way, but it doesn’t hurt to bring them up again, in order to remind your readers about aspects of the character’s personality. It’s something that you’ll, again, perhaps want to try in the future, when you get to more advanced levels…?

Generally, though, I think you’ve got a good foundation on your description. It’s not quite as solid as your plot and introduction were, but you can easily improve that. The main thing I’d suggest is that you describe all of your characters more, not just your main characters. You did fantastic descriptions of Oshino and Scraggy, and you did okay descriptions of some of your other characters, but a lot of things and people, like Sandile and the people in the pub, remained in doubt. Remember, we don’t know what’s going on in your head unless you explain it to us, so you’ll want to employ a lot of description to make your story and characters truly come to life.

Grammar: Mmmm… there’s one major problem that I’d like to point out on your grammar section. Besides that, though, I think you’re pretty much okay in stuff.

I can’t quote a particular instance, but my main qualm lies in your verb tenses. The main problem lies in the fact that you switch from past to present to past to present repeatedly and for seemingly no reason. It feels awkward and reads kinda strangely, honestly, and your tense changes are abrupt.

Quote:
If there is something he is more proud of than his wife and seven daughters were his crops.
This is a good example of the tense changes, largely because you go straight from present to past in the same sentence. The majority of the action in your story is in past tense, so unless you have a very specific reason to do so (such as if the timeline literally goes into the future/present/past), you’ll want to keep your entire story in a single tense. In this case, I think you’d probably be best off writing the entire thing in the past tense, since the majority of your story is in said tense, barring some random sentences here and there. Bear in mind that even if certain things in your story are true in the “now” (like, in the present tense), they’ll also probably be true in the “then) (past tense), so it’s okay to make those descriptions in the past tense. So instead of saying “he is proud”, you can just as easily say something like:
[i]If there was something he was more proud of than his wife and seven daughters, [it was] his crops.[/quote]
The story kinda reads and flows a bit more smoothly this way, since the entire thing is in a single tense. Even if Mr. Sonozaki still *is* proud of his wife and seven daughters, the fact remains that at the time of this story, he still *was* proud of them, meaning you can use the past tense there and in all other instance, as well.
Or, if you felt like putting this in the present tense, you could have it read:
[i]If there is something that he is more proud of than his wife and seven daughters, it is his crops.[/quote]
Either way, past or present, works out equally well in here, I think. Most authors prefer past tense, but present tense can be used just as effectively. I suggest that you pick the tense that you like the most, since you’ll be writing in it for the rest of your story. Chose one that suits the gist of your story, and then be sure to stick with it from the beginning to the end, okay?

Quote:
"One of our best farmers got killed a couple of hours ago. His workers claimed it was a monster." The bartender said and refilled Oshino’s glass.
Mmm, so a quick note about dialogue: when you’re using dialogue in conjunction with a word like “said” or any other synonym and said dialogue is a statement that would end in a period, you’ll have special punctuation. So instead of what you had above, it should look like:
“Dialogue, dialogue… his workers claimed it was a monster,the bartender said and refilled Oshino’s glass.
Notice in particular the comma after the dialogue and before the final quotation mark, as well as the lower case letter that directly follows the quote (unless the first letter after the quotation is part of a proper noun such as a name, in which case you would leave it as is).

Quote:
"Don’t panic! Just use your head! This is your specialty!" The exorcist called. Scraggy head butted the monster a couple of times until it gave up and let go.
However, if said dialogue ends in an exclamation point (!), as above, you’ll have slightly different rules. Instead of having that uppercase letter after the end of the dialogue, you’ll have it look like:
“This is your speciality!” the exorcist called.
Notice how the first letter after the quotation is still in lowercase, but there’s no comma.

These are going to seem like ridiculously nitpicky rules, especially when we get into nuances such as dialogue tags and such (I’ll save that for a later grade, since this section is getting a bit lengthy and I don’t want to overwhelm ya), but you’ve got to look out for them, m’kay?

Other than that, though (although these problems were pretty major), your story is pretty all right on grammar. I didn’t see that many noticeable typos, and I can’t remember if I even saw that many at all. Your biggest problems, however, are your tense changes and your dialogue punctuation. Remember that poor grammar will distract the reader from your story, so you’ll want to have as near perfect grammar as you can. You’ve got a good start, but there are still some things you can improve. ^.^

Length: You have 11,166 characters, and I have 11,165. ZOMG ONE CHARACTER OFF. Odds are my counter is screwed up anyways, but whatever. That’s okay. Point being, Sandile is a Medium ranked Pokémon, meaning you’ll be aiming for 10-20k range. You’re scraping around at the bottom ends of the requirements, but you’ve definitely hit the mark. I’m supposed to suggest that you aim around the middle in the future, something like 15k or so, but this story seemed to have decent pacing to it. There were some bits that could have used a bit more description, like the destruction that the Sandile supposedly wreaked, which would have lengthened your story by a couple thousand characters, but you should never try to add things just for the sake of padding your character count.

Tl;dr: you’re fine on length right here. ^.^


Personal Feelings/Outcome:

Quote:
Oshino simply smiled and nodded. He took the ink and paper and started drawing weird signs that looked like different types and poses of Unown.
Ohgod. If those “different types and poses of Unown” is your way for referring to the English language… +9000 respect right there. Because I definitely didn’t make the connection the first time but now that I noticed it again it’s got me snickering. XD

Anywho, outcome time.
Spoiler:

Your story is a good start. It wasn’t overly complicated, and the plot was fresh and simple. It wasn’t something as cliché as “boy walks into woods, finds Pokémon, etc”, but it wasn’t something mind-blowingly complex, either. In a sense, that’s a good thing, since having too much plot shoved into such a tiny space isn’t going to attract many readers. While you had some plot holes, they’re easily addressable. Your description was a bit iffy in places, but I know that you can improve it in time. The most glaring part to me was the past/present tense changes that become so repeated it was borderline awkward to read, but I think I got over it, eventually. XD

As it is, I think you’ve got a good enough story for the medium requirements. There is room to improve, as there always is, but I think your foundation is strong enough for me to say:

Sandile: captured

Really, for all of the lambasting in this grade, your story is very nice. There are some things to fix up for the next time to make your writing better, but you’ve put together a nice story in this one. Good job. ^.^
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