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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 06-10-2011, 06:23 PM
Roulette Dares's Avatar
Roulette Dares Offline
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Default Placidity Ruined

A little late for a Magikarp story, but whatever. Yay, first PE2K story! Uh, nothing else to say, here goes.

Target Pokemon: Magikarp
Characters Needed: 3,000
Characters in Story: 8,113


Placidity Ruined

“Sir, there’s still no sign of it anywhere,” said a Team Rocket Grunt. He was reading a computer screen with all kinds of numbers and charts on it.

“Well, don’t rest until we’ve found her. This Pokemon’s power is too much to let slip through our fingers. Celebi will be found today,” said Executive Proton.

Team Rocket, the evil criminal organization that had terrorized Kanto and Johto alike over the past few years, was sweeping Ilex Forest in search of its guardian, Celebi. They knew that Celebi had the power to go back in time, and Giovanni, Team Rocket’s leader, was not about to pass that up. After extensive research they discovered that Celebi was the legendary Forest Guardian of Ilex Forest. Upon learning this, Giovanni sent his army of Grunts, under the leadership of Executive Proton, to search the mystical woods until she was found.

The army of grunts was first ordered to surround the woods, much to the dismay of the people in Azalea Town. Proton was forced to place a large group of minions at the entrance, just to keep the townspeople out. Their search began by slowing closing in on the center of the forest from the outside. They used large vehicles with saws on their fronts to fell trees, and then Grunts walking behind them would search the timber and leaves for Celebi. They knew that after their search was finished, there would be no Ilex Forest left. The trees would be leveled, and the forest floor would be scorched, but it would all be worth it if they managed to imprison Celebi.

Near the center of the forest there was a placid little pond. Due to the usual serenity that surrounded it, its only inhabitant was surprised to wake up this morning to find the surface of the pond shaking and rippling. It was a Magikarp, and he had lived in the small pond his entire life. His pond was near the Ilex Forest Shrine to the Forest Guardian, so he would often poke his head out of the water and watch visitors to the monument. Today when he poked his head above the surface, however, he was met with a much grimmer scene. Trees were falling all around him, and terrified Pokemon were scrambling to find safety. He saw a family of Pineco fall out of a nearby tree and quickly roll away, and to his left he noticed what can only be described as a herd of Caterpie crawling as fast as their tiny legs would carry them. Pure fear was written all over each Pokemon’s face.

What’s going on? Magikarp thought. He had never seen anything but peace in his forest. All kinds of new emotions were bellowing up inside him. He felt anger, helplessness, regret, and so many other things that his home had never introduced him to.

Suddenly, a black vehicle came bursting through a line of trees in front of Magikarp. It had six wheels and an open top, and two men’s heads were sticking out. They were wearing the same clothes: black berets, pants, and shirts with a red letter “R” on the front. The car had a terrifying apparatus protruding from its front. Two circular saws, one slightly above the other, were spinning rapidly, ready to cut down whatever got in their way. The horrid device would cut down a tree that had stood in the forest for hundreds of years in only a matter of seconds. All the history the tree had witnessed would be lost.

How can they do this? thought Magikarp, What are they searching for?

Anger and disbelief were boiling inside Magikarp now. He was swimming around his pond frantically just to relieve himself. Every time he paced back and forth he got angrier. His home, and his friends’ home, was being destroyed all around him, and there was nothing they could do. It was no secret that Ilex Forest housed fairly weak Pokemon.

Suddenly, something came crashing through the water towards Magikarp. It was a flaming log that steamed when it hit the pond’s surface. Magikarp dashed at of the way and watched it fall to the bottom, leaving a black, smoky trail behind it. It was the last straw. Everything that was pent up inside Magikarp up until now was being unleashed.

A strange sensation fell over him. His body felt as if it was growing, and he couldn’t feel, see, or hear anything that was happening around him. His body was changing, he knew it. As the transition happened, he felt his anger turn into power and adrenaline. It was surging through his veins, and needed to be let out. Outside the pond, people took notice.

“Hey, check it out,” said the Grunt who was driving the tree-killing machine. They turned the ignition off to watch the spectacle. Several other vehicles were now driving up, since they had finally reached the center of the woods. In similar fashion, they all stopped their vehicles to observe the scene, not knowing what to make of it.

The water was bubbling and glowing with an intense, white light. Several of the Grunts turned their faces to avoid the harsh light. Suddenly, the light faded. The pond was dark again, and everything was still. The Grunts were curious as to what was happening. Then a shadow formed in the center of the pond. As it rose closer to the surface, it grew in size.

“What the hell is-“ said one Grunt, but he was cut off.

Magikarp had evolved into Gyarados now, and he was emerging from his waters. A brutal roar caused many of the Grunts to jump back into their vehicles, but others were paralyzed with fear. The enraged Pokemon’s body was now warm. He could feel energy and power surging through his veins. He looked down at the scared criminals before him, and thought it was funny. As long as they were in control, they were tough, but now that the tables had turned, nobody knew what to do. Gyarados channeled the rage into the most powerful attack he could muster. He didn’t know what the attack was called, only that it had awesome destructive power. Gyarados’s gaping mouth was now glowing orange as the attacked was being prepared. A few more Grunts recognized the attack and tried to run, but they didn’t have time. Gyarados blasted the Hyper Beam, destroying everything beneath him. The vehicles exploded and were sent tumbling, and the criminals flew into the air, their bodies scorched.

As the few remaining members of Team Rocket retreated to the forest entrance, a helicopter could be seen in the distance. It was flying right at Gyarados, so he readied another attack.

In the helicopter stood Executive Proton. He was holding onto a rail and leaning outside the chopper to get a better glimpse of the scene. Beneath him his own men were fleeing, and ahead there was an untamable sea monster ready to kill anyone who got in its way.

“Ready the weapons,” said Proton. He had killed hundreds of Pokemon already today, one more couldn’t hurt.

The chopper’s machine guns began to turn, warming up for their assault. The pilot pressed several buttons on a control pad, arming various missiles and rockets. At the same time, Gyarados was readying another Hyper Beam. Proton realized that whoever attacked first would come out victorious.

“FIRE!” he shouted. The pilot pulled a trigger, and both machine guns began to unleash their fury on the beast. Within a split second of this, Gyarados fired the Hyper Beam. It shot out of his mouth at the helicopter, vaporizing the bullets that it met. They tiny hunks of metal were dissolved into nothingness in midair.

“Out of the way!” yelled Proton. The helicopter tried to avoid the attack, but its tail was clipped. The beam sliced it right off, and the chopper was sent into a rapid tailspin. It finally fell to the ground, and an explosion shortly followed.

Gyarados watched as the Grunts and their leader fled the ruined forest. Near the entrance, the people of Azalea town were forcing them back, making them run toward Goldenrod City. When the last of the Team Rocket minions had left, several townspeople wandered through the ashes of their former pride. Some wept, while others sat in disbelief. As a group of people neared his pond, Gyarados sunk back to the bottom. Though he couldn’t save the forest, he was glad that he had driven off Team Rocket. They wouldn’t be returning to Ilex again, and hopefully the good people of Azalea would be left in peace.

Last edited by Roulette Dares; 06-11-2011 at 06:30 PM.
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  #2  
Old 06-10-2011, 07:48 PM
Synthesis Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
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Default Re: Placidity Ruined *Magikarp Story, Ready For Grading!*

Claimed like I said ©_©
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(13:50:47) Breadfan: (as evidenced by the lack of rapture right now)
(13:51:02) Khimera: What're you talking about? I'm under siege by raptors
(13:51:15) Breadfan: that's jurassic park
(13:51:20) Breadfan: not the rapture
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  #3  
Old 06-15-2011, 01:22 PM
Synthesis Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
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Default Re: Placidity Ruined *Magikarp Story, Ready For Grading!*

Introduction:

Starting off with a brief spell of dialogue is a pretty good method of catching the reader's attention, as well as introduce the principal characters, hints of their cultural background and their personality at times. The two speakers appear to just be regular grunts with no flair or anything appealing to them-- almost similar to robots in how they're borderline devoid of life and energy. This may have been your motive hence the whole sadistic and unfeeling attitude people associate with Team Rocket. But, to be honest, it didn't really feel like that. It was sort of 'say the words and go', missing out on something that could help boost yoyr stories' standards.

Next, we get a bit of background and then we're into the story. The background history is a nice touch, informing the reader of what's been happening and what not. Okay.

Plot:

Eh. The best way to describe this is basically a simple plot executed to a higher degree. You do a great job in creating a tense atmosphere and introducing us to this harsh world from both the general villager's view, to the ignorant Magikarp's view. You do a great job conveying Magikarp's feelings towards everything and the plot as a whole flowed really smoothly-- scene transition was very smooth.

Detail:

You habe a great knack for identifying what should be described and you have great attention to detail, for the most part. Basically, you gave us brief description of the forest, a nice description of the grunts' autillery and of the way Pokemon acted and behaved. I liked how you not only identified that the Pokemon were fleeing, but you took it one step further with the fear etched onto the Caterpie's face, or with the frantic swimming of the Magikarp around the lake. That's fine and dandy, buuut...

You didn't so much as describe the main character's appearence whatsoever. Sure, we know it's a Magikarp, but does it have rusted and worn-looking scales or does the water of the lake make them shine magestically? Did this Magikarp have a droopy yellow mohawk or even three eyes? We need to know because it helps the reader relate to the character and also will stick in their minds if it has some unique features. On the subject of relating to the reader, I would like you to be aware of the five direct senses. They can all contribute to your writing and really make it stand out as a more compelling story. I don't see the need to go too deep into this with such a short story, but keep it in mind.

Length:

8k is a very solid length for an Easiest 'mon.

Battle:

Eh, two Hyper Beam attacks would usually be pretty dismal, especially since Gyarados seemed to ignore the fact that it must recharge after each use. Of course you can work your way around these sort of things by saying his determination to save his friends was too compelling or something. You did however improve this section with the description of the aftermath of these Hyper Beams and hinting at Gyarados' ability, Intimidate, in the way some of the grunts froze with fear.

Also, work on having the battles not so one-sided as they usually aren't and it makes battles interesting... or something.

Grammar:

You're good here.

Climax:

There was a clear and concise crescendo of tension as the story progressed from midpoint while still maintaining a defintive ending. Good job.

Outcome:

Work on better, more original plots and appealing to the reader through description and you'll be golden.

Magikarp captured!
__________________
(13:50:47) Breadfan: (as evidenced by the lack of rapture right now)
(13:51:02) Khimera: What're you talking about? I'm under siege by raptors
(13:51:15) Breadfan: that's jurassic park
(13:51:20) Breadfan: not the rapture
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