Introduction:: Hmm. A good introduction is key in any story—it should grab the reader’s attention and get them ready to read your story. You can do this in a variety of ways, but it’s vitally important that you do it correctly. LET US STUDY YOUR FIRST SENTENCE.
Hello. I am Scar.
Hmm. At first glance, I’m not too intrigued. The guy has a funny name, sure, but that’s about it. There’s nothing that really draws me in. The name “Scar” kinda reminds me of The Lion King, but that’s nothing to get me reading. This little monologue is kinda strange, honestly. It does introduce your characters at least, but it does so in a large block, which really feels like you’re just BLEGH’ing text and backstory at us in a massive wave. Having these first person narrations is kinda awkward and cumbersome, honestly, but you could pull it off. Maybe. You should definitely slow down a bit and give us some more detail on Scar’s life and stuff, though, and maybe give us a few tidbits to get the reader to actually care. Sure, he lives in Tuop. That’s neat, even though it doesn’t exactly exist. Sure, he’s got a Chimchar. Also neat. Sure, he wants to be a Pokémon master. So does every other trainer in the world, apparently. But why do we care? You seem to have the introduction of your characters down really well, but you really need a hook. You need to give the readers a reason to keep reading, and you’ve got to do that by catching attention. Those two elements are going to be key in creating a good and strong introduction.
Plot:: Well, a plot is pretty darn important in your story. It’s what keeps the readers going, and it’s definitely something you should look into. So far, your plot can be boiled down to the following: “Boy walks through forest, goes fishing, finds random man, battles, goes fishing again. Finds Pokémon, captures Pokémon”. It’s not very tantalizing, and it’s not very intriguing. You have a good start, and for a Simple Pokémon it’s… okay, I suppose. But you should remember that at higher levels, you’ll definitely want to make a more complex plot than this. After a certain point, you’ll find that standard plots like these, which could easily fit into the Pokémon Anime, aren’t going to do as well. Don’t be afraid to be imaginative – this is fiction, after all. You’ve already got a fire-breathing monkey. You can’t really get more unbelievable than that. The creativity of your plot, and by extension its pure awesomeness, is solely limited by your own creativenss. Having a good, strong plot is really pivotal in creating a good story.
Description:: So, your description is key in a story. Whenever you’re writing, you often have an idea in your head, and then it becomes your job to put your concept on paper. It’s a lot harder than it looks, because it involves a lot of usage of detail. However, you can’t have too much detail that you overwhelm the reader, but you have to have enough so we know what’s going on. It’s a very fine line that you have to be careful not to cross.
For instance, your description of the Pokéball itself was pretty good. I would’ve been able to know what you were talking about, even if you hadn’t said that it was a Pokéball. However, you were lacking in other areas. Don’t be afraid to spend a paragraph or so describing what Scar looks like—what color is his hair, eyes, clothes? Is he always smiling? When he’s in a battle, does he frown or does he shout cheerfully out to Chimchar? I don’t know what’s going on, but you do. It’s your job to convey that to the readers through your use of description.
(This is battle. every other line is me and my pokemon)
This feels almost like a cop-out, in the least offensive way. You don’t have to have a little parenthetical thing telling us what’s going on; you can just as easily put a sentence or two in your story describing who’s speaking to whom. Also, in your battles, it wouldn’t hurt to describe your attacks a bit: Scratch is self-explanatory, yes, but what is a Flame Wheel? For that matter, what is a Chimchar? Pretend that your readers know absolutely nothing about Pokémon moves, Pokémon battle strategies, or even Pokémon, and then try to work around that.
Having good description is key in helping your readers understand what’s going on, and it’s another important aspect in story-writing. You’ll definitely want to polish up on your detail a bit. ._.
Grammar:: Mmmm… you could use a bit of work on this, no offense. I’m not going to try to RAWR SQUISH YOU with a line by line analysis, but I’ll try to get things as clear as possible. I’ll mostly highlight just a few, more important rules that you should look in to.
We’ll take a quick delving into speech tags:
"Ooohhhhhh" I complained
Okay, so dialogue is going to have some pretty strange comma rules, but they get simple once you get used to them. Let’s review this sentence real quick. Basically, whenever you have a dialogue in quotes, followed by a word like said/told/replied/etc, and your sentence doesn’t end in an exclamation point/question mark, you’ll want to end it in a comma instead. If that explanation doesn’t make sense… just remember that quoted sentence from above. You need a comma between the dialogue and the “saying” verb that’s not in quotes, so it should look like: ”Oooohhhh,” I complained…
It honestly looks small, but it’s pretty important.
"Go, Frilish!" He said,
However, when you’ve got a section of dialogue that ends in an exclamation point/question mark, you’ve got to make sure that the first letter is still in lowercase. Think of it like continuing the sentence that you started with your dialogue, so that sentence would look more like: “Go, Frillish!” he said…
Remember, your dialogue tags are really important. The commas seem silly and stuff, but they’re really important.
Also, the first paragraph of your story is in present tense. Everything else, however, is written in past tense, which is pretty strange. Both paragraphs seem to be taking place in the same timeframe, so the change of tenses is really strange. Be sure to pick a tense and stick with it throughout your entire story.
There aren’t many general rules that I can point out here. A lot of your grammatical mistakes are typos, and I don’t think either of us want to see a detailed thing where I flag every single typo… because that would suck. I suggest that you write your stories in Word or some other program, because it has spellcheck and can flag a lot of your mistakes for you. It really helps you get all of those typos out, and it’ll make your story a lot more clean. It’s also a lot easier, has auto-save, and makes your grammar pretty. Not even kidding here. Having good grammar makes your story cleaner and easier to read, and it’s pretty vital in maintaining a solid base.
Length:: So, you’ve got yourself at a little under 5000, and I’ve got you at 4,869. Either way, you’re slightly under 5K, which is slightly a problem: Poliwag, being a Simple-level Pokémon, requires 5K characters (spaces included) at the minimum, with other suggested counts reaching upwards of 10K. I’m not asking you to write a novel, but we do like to have stories at a certain length to reflect that they include effort. It’d be a lot better if you were to actually reach your suggested character count and stuff… just as a suggestion.
You could easily make this story a lot longer than it is right now. With some detail, you could possibly double the characters you have, and you’d also make your story a lot more readable. Just remember, in the future, you should definitely try to meet, if not exceed, your parameters for characters. Just a suggestion. ^.^
Personal Feelings/Outcome:: For your story, you’ve got a start. Kinda. The plot isn’t that original, and you’re really lacking in the detail. In addition, you’re a bit short on length, even for a Simple capture, and your grammar is iffy in a lot of places. However, the major qualms I have are with the former two: plot and detail are horridly important in writing a story, and you’ll need healthy measures of both to get a good story. Sometimes, it feels like you’re lacking these.
I’m going to have to say:
Poliwag: not captured. But barely.
Like I said earlier, your semi-bland plot and lack of description are what kinda sunk you. After some deliberation, this *is* your first story, so I’m supposed to be a bit lenient with you here.... but it felt like there was too much going against you. This was definitely a capture that hinged on the edge, and it could have gone either way. It was really, really close, in case I haven’t articulated it enough.
The biggest problems did lay in your plot and description. Don’t be afraid to make your plots wacky and wild, and don’t be afraid to put in as much description as you feel is necessary (so far, I don’t think you’ll risk overwhelming a reader, but you should watch out for that). Doing things like that will definitely make your story longer, too, which will help out on the length issue. In addition, I’d suggest running a spell-check or proofreading your story a bit before you publish it, to filter out those grammatical issues.
Keep this advice in the future, if you chose to write some more URPG stuff, or even just write in general. You can rewrite this pretty quickly, although I suggest you take a few minutes to look and think things over. Keep the advice that I've given in mind, and you'll have a tadpole in no time. ^.^
's okay, really. Just work on the stuff that I mentioned in your grade (mostly in the end-y section, but the entire thing is important and you should read it), and you'll have your Poliwag in no time. ^.^