Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Interactive Boards » Creative Writing

Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 04-15-2011, 09:55 PM
Mawile-Danmaku's Avatar
Mawile-Danmaku Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ponyville, riding Rarity
Posts: 2,106
Default The Stirring (Original fiction) (Pg-13)

As is mentioned, this is original.

Chapters so far:
Prolougue
Prolougue 2: Bididi
Chapter 1: #88.2/Maliscun
Chapter 2: #52/Kumo/#52
__________________

Last edited by Mawile-Danmaku; 04-18-2011 at 08:36 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-15-2011, 09:56 PM
Mawile-Danmaku's Avatar
Mawile-Danmaku Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ponyville, riding Rarity
Posts: 2,106
Default Re: The Stirring (Original fiction)

----Prolougue----Whispers----

Far away in another world, the tree-spirits were whispering.
“Something is far wrong,” twittered an Ash, holding on to its leaves as they were blown about by the east wind.
“Indeed,” answered a Thorn, its branches whirling and whipped as the wind toyed with it. “The air-spirits are upset.”
“What quarrel hath they with us?” questioned a mighty Oak, unfazed by the gale. “Air et nature have been peaceful for so long.”
The trees were silent as each lapsed into another long period of thought, and wondered if it could be a sign of forces much greater…

------------------------------------------------------------------------
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-15-2011, 09:57 PM
Mawile-Danmaku's Avatar
Mawile-Danmaku Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ponyville, riding Rarity
Posts: 2,106
Default Re: The Stirring (Original fiction)

----Prolougue 2----Bididi----

To the west of the windswept forest, the city of Veradale was having just as much trouble with the wind. The pedestrians could barely take a step against the gale before it changed and blew them down, and the humanoid mice known as Mooskin either had their large ears turned inside-out or covering their face.
I was the one Mooskin who wasn’t outside, but in the clock tower atop the central school. I looked out of the locked windows at the wildly spinning weather vane, and for the nth time, I studied the wind log that sat on the floor, as it was too heavy to put anywhere else. According to it, winds of this force were last recorded ten dri, or years, ago, and those were from a faulty vane. With a sigh, I slammed the book shut, and went to pick up my diary. It read like this:
15-Redleaf: Hot. May have to replace cooling fans.
16-Redleaf: Severe storms. Stay inside.
17-Redleaf: Cold. Look into all heat logs.
18-Redleaf: Temperate. Plant growth off the charts.
19-Redleaf: Windy. Speak to head teacher.
I was very forgetful, so I wrote important notes in my diary. I gathered a few maps and stepped into the hand-powered elevator, or dumbwaiter. I laid my maps down, and grabbed hold of the rope. Unlocking the brake, I carefully lowered myself down to the next level. I locked the brake back and opened the door bearing the number 4.
The head master was not a Mooskin like I was, but a Biokzi, a bright blue bird-man. He looked up as I entered.
“Hoya, Bididi. Something on your mind?”
I unrolled the maps I had brought. It showed the main landmass of our planet, Devaria. I pointed to the volcano that laid in the south.
“On the 15th, we experienced a severe heat wave. Warm winds came from the south.”
I pointed to the southeastern mountain.
“On the 16th, we experienced thunderstorms from the southeast. Then cold from the west. If I’m not mistaken, these weather anomalies correspond to the seven elements. If this keeps up, we’ll have a blackout tomorrow.”
The head master slowly nodded.
“Right. Something must be happening at the landmarks. I’ll send a scouting team right away.”
He pulled out the extensive student list as I stepped back into the waiter, and listened to the wind whipping along outside.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-16-2011, 02:04 AM
Velocity's Avatar
Velocity Offline
ASB Official
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Land of Night and Magic
Posts: 2,758
Default Re: The Stirring (Original fiction)

Interesting... Though it seems rather rushed and short, even for a prologue. There isn't much description, and it's quite short. :/

However, it does seem to have an interesting plot and idea behind it. Just keep working with the descrip and such, and you'll be good to go~
__________________
I laughed, I cried, I testified;
And in the end found this world altogether lacking.

Thanks, Speed and Dino and also Speed! :D
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-16-2011, 03:10 PM
Mawile-Danmaku's Avatar
Mawile-Danmaku Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ponyville, riding Rarity
Posts: 2,106
Default Re: The Stirring (Original fiction)

Thanks. Here's the first real chapter.

----1----#88.3----Maliscun----

I waded through the waist high murky water, my gun at the ready. I had been sent to explore this swamp by myself, without any backlog on the project. I was sure they were out to get rid of me. It was true that I was a mere scout, but they could’ve sent someone else...
A pair of slit eyes staring out the murk caught my attention. The alligator growled, and I hurried on. Ten minutes later, I had made no progress, and it was clear that I was lost. What’s more, it was getting dark. I sat down on a stump and pulled off my gas mask, the signature gear of the Omega organization. The events that led up to this catastrophe, and my certain death in this horrible swamp, had been vaguely interesting.
We were unpacking the merchandise needed to set up base, and one of the leaders called my attention.
“Hey, #88.3!” I wasn’t in a good mood, so I didn’t respond. “I want you to take this assignment.”
My superior laid a scouting sheet on top of the box I was carrying.
“Locale, Swamp. Partner, none… briefing, none… None, none, none. Am I supposed to commit suicide?”
“No, we want to get info on this little area. It’s cheaper to send one person.”
Fuming, I stomped to storage and chunked the box down and picked up the sheet.
“’Objective: find a thin black octahedron. It radiates a shadow and floats. It is hidden, and looks like this from the side: ♦…’ Well, it won’t be that hard.”
It was that hard, if not harder. And now I was lost. And to add to that, there was a rumbling sound in the distance.
Wait…
I looked over my shoulder. Tree after rotting tree fell as an enormous black tank plowed through the swamp. I waved my arms, trying to attract the driver’s attention. The machine slowed to a crawl and I scrambled up the ladder and into the beast’s belly. The Omega driving the tank was the same one that sent me on this mission in the first place.
“What happened, sending me on a lone mission?!” I shook #52.55’s shoulders.
“It was a misprint. What’s important is I got the sigil.” He opened his black-gloved hand, revealing the mission’s target, a pitch black crystal that cast a shadow instead of light. “However, the swamp is fighting back.”
There was a crash that shook the tank and a blood-curdling roar. I grabbed the periscope and looked behind us. In line behind us was the biggest snake I’d ever seen. It was twice as long as the tank and pitch black. I grabbed the controls.
“Can’t this thing go any faster?!” I pressed all the buttons I could find, trying to find the gas.
Instead, I found the brake. The machine lurched, and shuddered to a halt.
We looked at each other, realizing what we’d suddenly become.
“Snake bait!”

-----******-----

I was having a bad day. Make that week. Several days ago, the regularly temperate swamp got a heat wave. Being a snake, I liked heat, but this was too much even for me. The water was cool though, and dwelled under the surface for a long time.
Then the rain came. The river swelled, and I found myself farther downstream than I’d ever been. At least the heat was gone. Next came the cold snap, which froze any and all water that dared to show up.
When the plants went crazy, I’d had enough. I gathered up my sigil, and tried to get out of that mood-swinging swamp, but the plant fenced me in. Then came wind that nearly chilled to the bone.
And when that finished, some little guy in a black suit stole my sigil. I hissed at the immobile tank that held my precious stone. I grabbed the tank in my jaws and threw it into the air, smashing it back into the ground. I continued to do this until there was nothing left of anything in it bigger than my eye. I gently received my sigil and slithered off to sulk.
What a crazy week.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 04-18-2011, 08:37 PM
Mawile-Danmaku's Avatar
Mawile-Danmaku Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ponyville, riding Rarity
Posts: 2,106
Default Re: The Stirring (Original fiction) (Pg-13)

----2----#52----Kumo----#52

“Today on the agenda… we’ve run into a spot of trouble.” I sat up in my cot at the edge of the stage. Before me was a sea of black jumpsuits and gas masks, all containing my fellow Omegas.
“We’ve found five sigils, and went after the sixth… and I ended up in a full-body cast. Never… never again will this mistake happen again. If it does, I will strangle you.
“Next item: unauthorized objects have been picked up on the sensors. Heat monitors report a very hot humanoid… yes, thank you for your laughter… prowling around. Also a very cold one, and an extremely faint shadow-beast. Gentlemen, from now onward, patrol is mandatory. That is all.”
The Omegas dispersed, and the nurse wheeled me back to the sick bay. And she pulled the curtains and left the room, I got up on my unsteady but not actually injured legs and removed my casts. Making sure no one was watching, I slipped out the door and mingled with a group of identical Omegas. One of the advantages of all being dressed alike was that no one knew who you were, and where you were supposed to – or not - be. I broke away from the group and went to the elevator, which I rode down to the last level.
Ding.
Instead of stepping out, I pushed the down button twice. The clear tube descended further, and more slowly, showing me the levels off-limits to normal Omegas. Past the flora testing, past the record rooms. It finally stopped at the last true level: fauna. I wandered amongst the glass cubes stocked with native Devarian animals, stopping at a cube with a two legged, two winged dragon inside.
The large gray reptile was looking about nervously, occasionally nipping at its man-made saddle.
“So… the blood tests went well?” I asked an Omega in a lab coat.
“Yep. We’ve determined that it’s a male, and about ten years old. Today, we’re going to expose it.” She turned to her companion. “Z.86, you ready?”
Z.86 nodded, and the lab Omega opened the cube’s door, then went over to a small video screen. I followed her, and watched the test subject in the cube. The dragon was thoroughly sniffing the man, eyeing him from all angles. Suddenly it snapped, and brought it’s wing joint down on its captivator. Another Omega immediately rushed in, spraying it with a water hose, and the battered Z.86 limped to safety.
While all this had been happening, the cargo door to the elevator opened, and four Omegas pushed an enormous chained and padlocked box up to me.
“We found the ‘extremely hot humanoid’ you mentioned in the lecture.” Said one, holding his shredded mask in his free hand.
“It took an hour to subdue it,” said another, who was roughed up even more than the first. “It’s in a straight suit right now.”
A straight suit was like a straightjacket, but enveloped the whole body. We’d found it necessary after encountering what this planet had to offer.
“We’ll have to lower it into the solitary cube then.” A robotic crane arm was lowered, and the box whisked away. It was slowly lowered into a cube that was built into the floor, and carefully unwrapped by a robot arm.
We went over to the screen, eager to see what this thing that had taken so long to subdue was. It was interesting, to say the least. A pair of long octopus tentacles sprouted from and obviously female head, just before long strands of golden hair. She was wearing a short sleeved blue dress, from which came scaly yellow limbs, and a leonine tail, tipped with golden strands. Her elf-like ears and cat-like nose twitched as she slowly rose…

----****----

“Devarian intruder, sector: 8!”
My raptor-like minions, startled by the loud alarm, huddled around my spidery form. I lowered myself, letting the ten or so rubbery-skinned creatures clamber onto my back. I’d been spotted.
I curled my long, sucker-ended fingers under, walking on my knuckles. From around the corner came the sound of footsteps. Two minions jumped off my back and unfurled their claws, readying for battle. My enemy, two human-shaped heat patches, ran bravely forward, then stopped and attempted to turn back. My minions, squealing sharply, jumped on their prey and severed their necks. I used a finger to drag a body towards me, unsheathing the stinger on my rope-like tail and impaling the body. It shimmered and transformed into a brownish-yellow, smooth-skinned raptor. I pivoted backwards on my grasshopper-like hind legs and raised my head. With a quick flip, I jumped to the ceiling, throwing my minions off. Using powerful suction pads, I crawled upside-down along the roof, my beloved “children” jumping and shrieking below me.

----****----

“HELP!”
I whipped sharply around. Several Omegas came running in, followed by a horde of the strangest thing I’d ever seen. They were like Velociraptors, with wrinkled, rubbery skin and foot long claws. Despite lacking eyes, they had no trouble tackling their prey.
I drew my pistol and shot at them, but to little avail. The bullets bounced off the yellowish hides, and I had no choice but to run. My first instinct was to get to the elevator, but the little dino-things had lined up in front of it. I chanced to look up. Above me was hanging an animal weirder than the raptors. It’s eyeless head was smooth and round, with the notched jawbone showing through. It took one of four impossibly long arms and reached down into the cube containing our test subject. “No you don’t! Not on my watch!”
I took a leap and landed on the arm, grabbing a fistful of loose, slimy skin. It was disgusting, but I held on.
After that, I don’t remember anything else.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 04-25-2011, 10:50 PM
Mawile-Danmaku's Avatar
Mawile-Danmaku Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ponyville, riding Rarity
Posts: 2,106
Default Re: The Stirring (Original fiction) (Pg-13)

----3----Headmaster----Leader minion----

“Bididi, come over here.”
The little mouse trotted over.
“I found this paragraph on sigils in the elements book.
It says that seven sigils were created as ways of managing the elements’ landmarks and keeping them together. Solid magic, these little shards were said to express their discomfort if removed from their landmarks…”
We looked at each other. It all fit. The heat, the storms, the cold waves all came from the direction of the landmarks.
“Someone must have stolen them. That suspicious organization Omega had been spotted lurking around those places. We thought they were doing research, but it turns out their real intentions were to steal the sigils.”
I sighed. Bididi was famous for repeating the obvious.

----****----

I danced in a circle around the Omega, shrieking in chorus with my fifty-five siblings. The black-suited human had no idea where to turn. I felt my legs flick against the ground, snapping with infinite energy. Our captive was constantly spinning, watching for a chance to slip away. He wasn’t getting off without consequences. I gave a short chirp, signaling my siblings to move in.
We pinned the man down, holding onto his limbs like ticks. Kumo, my father and father of all the minions, rose and tottered over on spidery limbs. One of his cohorts, a golden-haired alien, jumped forward and landed on his chest.
“W… what do want from me?”
I lashed my tail and moved forward.
“We plan to extract your knowledge. First question… listening, dad?”
Kumo’s giant skull nodded.
“Right. What do the Omega numbers mean?”
“The first number is the building we’re assigned to. The second is the sector. The third is the rank of the one on the staff. I work in building 5, sector 2, and am rank 55.”
“Right.”
The back-and-forth dialogue went on for a while. After we’d squeezed all the info we needed, Kumo unsheathed his stinger.
“You’ve been quite valuable,” He said, pulling his cohort off of the Omega. “But you’d serve better as a minion.”
The lethal stinger impaled the floor, missing the hapless Omega on account of my father’s sightlessness. He jumped up, throwing the minions aside and running for his life. I pursued him, trying to land on his back. He rolled, and threw a black, metallic egg with rectangular bumps onto the floor.
“Stop!” Kumo screamed. “It’s a hand g-“
He never finished his sentence.

Comments? Crit?? Anything???
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 04-26-2011, 05:18 AM
Teddiursa of the Sky's Avatar
Teddiursa of the Sky Offline
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Terseland.
Posts: 3,068
Send a message via Skype™ to Teddiursa of the Sky
Default Re: The Stirring (Original fiction) (Pg-13)

The only reason you chapters aren't long is because you do not put spaces in between the lines, and you do not have descriptions about, really, anything. You should try to describe facial expressions, surroundings, sounds, and characters to the fullest detail to tell what the people should be imagining. Remember, an author is supposed to paint a picture in words.

Other than that, it is good!
__________________
Latest Test/Work in Production:
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:26 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com