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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 04-13-2011, 10:46 PM
Jose's Avatar
Jose Offline
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: mexico
Posts: 6,050
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Default Continuing the legacy (First Story)

Continuing the legacy

Going for: Machop
Characters needed: 5,000 to 10,000 characters
Amount of characters accomplished:
With spaces: 6,446
Without spaces: 5,219


POW POW! Sounded in the room, I was hitting the red sand bag for training. POW! Sounded one more time.

“Fiiuf, Iīm exhausted I said to myself while sitting in the white floor of the gym, I could see the big white walls where all my ancestors had trained along with their fighting pokemon, sadly for me I didnīt had a fighting pokemon, according to the tradition you must find him through your way but the only thing I had found was my Drilbur, he had been trapped in a hole and I helped him out and he never looked back, but I need to find that one fighting pokemon that will help me through my way of becoming a fighting pokemon master! I have looked through sea to the sky but it seems to me that there is no fighting pokemon for me, not even one that could help me with that.

I walked to the door and opened it; I could see the bright yellow sun shining in the blue sky, there were no clouds to be found, a beautiful day overall no doubt, there was a huge green area just after a wooden fence that wouldnīt let me in.

“Hey Jose!” A girl voice sounded at my right, I turned and saw my sister with her beautiful brown eyes staring at me excited, she had that innocent smile than any nine year old kid
has.

“If you are going to look for your fighting pokemon today you better get a shower, and a change of clothes! You stink!” She said laughing, I hadnīt noticed I was all sweat up, I had my black boxing shorts and a black t-shirt on all wet because of my sweating, and hell I hadnīt noticed how bad I smelled!

“I will go but later Maria, right now I have to run because if you want to be the best you have to train beautiful, never forget that, and do you remember dadīs phrase?” I said with a tone of excitement and getting ready to run while I saw my sisterīs black hair get over her face while she was just ready to jump.

“Attitude is everything!” She said while releasing her jump and hitting me in my shoulder.

“Thatīs it! Now let me keep with my training I will catch you up in the house,” I said not even waiting for an answer, I started running just a side the road, everything seemed perfect the soft breeze hitting me, the bright sun putting me a challenge and the green fields that seemed to never end, everything I liked when I went running, many bikes passed by my side, everyone had their own reasons, some for travelling, others for delivering and some other were training like me.

“Aaah!” A loud voice screamed and suddenly a crash sound echoed in my ears, I ran faster to see what was happening, a Machop had hit the wheel of a biker whom seemed to be training and was standing up just in the middle of the road, he wasnīt tall maybe about three feet tall but he had very big muscles, he was gray-greenish and had some big red eyes. I hurried up and helped the girl get up.

“What happened?” I asked worried while finishing helping the girl to get up.

“That Machop went crazy, jumped the bar and hit my bike! And just look he broke it!” The girl said with a tone of madness that anyone would notice and a tear dropping from her eye.

“Are you okay?” I asked while looking at the girl, she had a complete cyclist blue suite with her helmet and some pair of glasses that wouldnīt let me see her eyes.

“Yes! But that machop has to pay!” She said really mad about the incident.

“I will take care of it donīt worry why donīt you rest and call nine one one, meanwhile I will take care of this little guy is that good with you?” I said without thinking, all I could get in mind was that I had a chance on finally getting that fighting pokemon that would continue the legacy of my family and the start of my beginning!”

“Yes, good luck with fighting it, he seems like a really frightening opponent,” She said while taking out her cell phone and start digitizing numbers in it.

“I will take care, thanks,” I said while watching the machop go on the side of the road and putting up in a fighting position, just the way fighters did, he was ready for action. I walked and put my hand in my pocket and took out a poke ball.

“Go drilbur!” I said while throwing the poke ball and a red beam getting out of it slowly taking drilburīs form; small body but a really big nose with a pink dot in the face, but even bigger than his nose were his hands which seemed to not fit that little body, machop wouldnīt wait and as soon as Drilbur appeared threw out a cross chop hitting him in his big nose and making him fall backwards.

“Are you in good shape?!” I asked worried and surprised because of the attack, drilbur quickly got up and putting a hand up in the air and started spinning without any attack orders from me, he got in the ground and seemed to keep getting sand up of the melted rocks he was leaving behind, he quickly got to mahcop whom wouldnīt even get a chance to react at that time, machop was sent flying completely over the place and got to the other side of the fence where the green fields were hurt because of machop fell.

“Good work drilbur!” I said with excitement, I was going to punish him later because of getting an attack without my orders specially one as powerful as drill run, drilbur and me looked to the fence and watched it get completely destroyed by machop, he kept running towards drilbur with the intention to get him damaged.

“Use dig!” I shouted while drilbur put his big hands to work as fast as he could, machop couldnīt stop and fell in the hole with drilbur, drilbur emerged a little bit a head and machop hit his back and both went flying falling not more than ten meters between each other, they both got up really fast, they were enjoying the challenge they were having.

“Drilbur its time to finish him off, use drill run once again and let’s get this over!” I shouted impatiently, drilbur got hit sharp claws in the air once and started spinning really fast; machop was preparing himself for the attack and had his fists ready to try to stop drilbur, drilbur got into the ground and started spinning leaving nothing more than dust behind, machop threw out a punch with all the power he had but before he could land it he was hit by the powerful ground attack, he was already in the floor, I took an empty poke ball out of my pocket and sent it to try to capture machop, the poke ball hit machop and suspended in the air getting him in a red beam and getting it into the red and white colored poke ball, it fell on the ground and started flashing a red dot in the center of it. Had I captured it? I kept asking myself….
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Last edited by Jose; 04-13-2011 at 11:08 PM.
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  #2  
Old 05-09-2011, 02:50 AM
Turtwig's A-B-Cs Offline
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 252
Default Re: Continuing the legacy (First Story)

Introduction: This introduction is very actiony. The story's first words are "POW POW" after all. I like introductions that have a lot of action, since they just give you a little jolt that makes you want to continue, unless you pee your pants or something over it.

Therefore, I like this introduction which gives a jolt.

Plot: This is a very light-hearted story, but contains a bit of seriousness in a way. This mix is pretty bold, but it ruins a lot of the awesomeness this story can achieve.

At the start, the main character is training with the old sand bag, but soon he sees a girl's bike is broken by a Machop. To stop it, he sends his Drilbur, which saves the day.

I like this setup, but it seems a bit standard in terms of format. By that, I mean the "before, problem, solution" setup, which is the most common one there is. I would suggest a "before problem solution bigger problem solution" setup if you went for something higher than Simple, but at this level, you're fine.

You did well here overall, so good job.

Grammar/Spelling: This story had several minor errors, such as times where you accidentally forgot to capitalize proper nouns, but you did pretty well here. I'll just note a couple of the problems:

Quote:
cyclist blue suite
Here, an accidental 'e' was added to 'suit'.

Quote:
drilbur
Quote:
could, machop couldnīt
Quote:
drilbur got hit sharp claws
'

In all of these occasions, you forgot to capitalize the species' names. This is necessary, because in this world, they mainly serve as the 'name' of the specimen, meaning they should be capitalized.

In the third one as well, that sentence does not make sense. Mainly, the hit sharp claws part. I believe you are missing the word 'by' there.

Besides those errors though, you basically did well here.

Dialogue: You're good here.

Description: You described everything quite well, so you're good here as well. Just remember to describe each 'mon when it debuts, so the reader can refresh.

Reality: I can easily see a bike broken by Machop, so you're also good here.

Length: You got enough characters, so you're good.

Outcome:: Take your Machop, just because it's your first story. Just be careful of the grammar/spelling, and the tone. Those are all major parts that could easily sway a Grader's decision, especially grammar.
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Specs Unown
Hidden Power
This is an ingenious moveset spread across the ages, constructed piece by piece with painstaking care in the arching caverns and ancient machinery of the most devious and cunning hive mind in the history of anything. This moveset brings Unown's fullest potential into the light. His most powerful move, Hidden Power, rips through Magikarp, Hoppip, and Feebas with its unimaginable power, 2HKOing and OHKOing Magikarp and Hoppip with Hidden Power Ice, respectively. A neutral Hidden Power gives Feebas the ol' one-two-hit KO. When facing such opponents, Unown is unbeatable.
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