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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 03-18-2011, 11:02 PM
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Lightbulb pokemon eternity

I wake up,I'm still in the moving van. This is the third day in a row I've been in here. It seems like I'll never get there ,but on the horizon I see the only house I've seen since yesterday! All of a sudden you see a small village with some sort of laboratory. All of the waiting finally paid off! I've arrived in Pallet Town! I'm even about to see Professor Oak! Who's that standing next to him? Oh, I know who that is!!!! It's Professor Sumac, from the Hawk-eye region!!!! The van stops and I jump out to go and say hello when I notice they are holding something. I see three red and white balls. I go over there and he holds them out,"Pick one," he says. I see labels on all three of them. One of them reads: Nacto the grass pokemon evolves into Naagaroth the strong fighter of grass. The nexts one reads: Flamoko the fire elephant that evolves into the only tri-type there is,Flamablo. Then I look at the last one, it reads: Typheel, the water eel evolves into Eelphoon the four-limbed eel.__________________________________ [please respond on how you think to choose the new pokemon]

Last edited by toidle; 03-19-2011 at 03:58 PM.
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  #2  
Old 03-18-2011, 11:48 PM
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Default Re: pokemon eternity

OK, I'm going to be very critical and point some things out, and though I hope you'll continue writing, I have to point out some things.

First off, the premise has been used. Trainer, journey, blah. It's old hat man and one of the most generic set ups. It doesn't work often either.

Next, Hawk-Eye Region, really?

Now, for the actual writing.

It's one paragraph. A chapter at minimal should be at least 3-5 paragraphs. Also, there is barely punctuation at all, not to mention a plot of any sort. Then there's the made up Pokemon, which is ok, except for Flamablo, which is a "tri-type". There is no such thing as a tri type and never will be, even in the fantasy realm. If it's a Pokemon fanfiction with made up Pokemon, it should at least follow that rule. Finally, you left out.

Introduction
Conclusion
Main Character Name
Character Development
Spacing
Transitioning
Detail
Most of What A Story Needs

In conclusion, you should brush up on your writing. I would scrap this and start over, since this won't go anywhere. Writing should involve planning, proofreading, edits, the works. Don't be discouraged either. Anyone can write, but it requires effort, something you didn't put into this. I hope you try to take my advice and whatever advice you get from others here and use it, because all these things I mentioned are the basics to a good story.
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  #3  
Old 03-19-2011, 04:57 AM
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Default Re: pokemon eternity

I must agree with what NES2 has said. Also, the un-needed exclemation points. You only need one exclamation point, not four or five. In the beginning, there is no space before or after the comma (,), and it bugged me somehow. I know I dont normally read things online, but this I read, and I didn'rt like that. I normally dont like to read internet-wise unless it is something small, such as a single post. This is about the size of a single post. No offence, but, even I, being 11, can write a fanfic with about around 30 or so paragraphs. This is one or two paragraphs. I'd say try to start fresh with a longer plot/story. Try different things. Try to get better insparation, maybe from a song, from a book, form anything, really. I think you should Roleplay, build up your writing skills, and once you can write about four or so paragraphs, come back into writing.

Sorry if that hurts your feelings or anything, it's just exactly what I thought.
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  #4  
Old 03-19-2011, 04:01 PM
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Default Re: pokemon eternity

Quote:
Originally Posted by NES2 View Post
OK, I'm going to be very critical and point some things out, and though I hope you'll continue writing, I have to point out some things.

First off, the premise has been used. Trainer, journey, blah. It's old hat man and one of the most generic set ups. It doesn't work often either.

Next, Hawk-Eye Region, really?

Now, for the actual writing.

It's one paragraph. A chapter at minimal should be at least 3-5 paragraphs. Also, there is barely punctuation at all, not to mention a plot of any sort. Then there's the made up Pokemon, which is ok, except for Flamablo, which is a "tri-type". There is no such thing as a tri type and never will be, even in the fantasy realm. If it's a Pokemon fanfiction with made up Pokemon, it should at least follow that rule. Finally, you left out.

Introduction
Conclusion
Main Character Name
Character Development
Spacing
Transitioning
Detail
Most of What A Story Needs

In conclusion, you should brush up on your writing. I would scrap this and start over, since this won't go anywhere. Writing should involve planning, proofreading, edits, the works. Don't be discouraged either. Anyone can write, but it requires effort, something you didn't put into this. I hope you try to take my advice and whatever advice you get from others here and use it, because all these things I mentioned are the basics to a good story.
you sound like my language arts teacher, it's still a work in proggress.i mean you tell me what to write about next and i add it to it.
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  #5  
Old 03-19-2011, 04:23 PM
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Default Re: pokemon eternity

That's not how writing works kiddo.

We can't give you the plot, you need to make one up yourself using imagination. Otherwise, it's not your story.

Also, sounding like your Language Arts teacher is a compliment to me and means I'm giving you good advice, since I'm pretty sure he knows what he's doing if he's telling you the same thing about your writing. As a writer you have to be receptive to criticism, even if it's negative. By learning from what others are saying, you can learn to be a better writer. So listen to any advice you get, because advice is more valuable than praise.
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  #6  
Old 03-19-2011, 04:31 PM
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Default Re: pokemon eternity

He (she?) probably sounds like your language arts teacher because that's what you need to hear. All writing is a work in progress. Heck, Heart of a Lugia is very much in progress. What the point is is that what you're aiming for - people telling what they want to read - isn't going to happen until they see the components that NES2 talks about. You should read some of the other fanfics on here that have been successful to see how it's done - Through the Eyes of a Flareon, Wings Have We, The Path of Destiny are all excellent places to start. You really should take this critique seriously, which I do not think you're doing. A story needs to be well-thought-out, something original that grabs peoples' interests. It needs to have a plot, grammar, proper spelling, and all of that. My advice would be to actually read others' stories to see what they did right.
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  #7  
Old 03-19-2011, 06:45 PM
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Default Re: pokemon eternity

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
He (she?) probably sounds like your language arts teacher because that's what you need to hear. All writing is a work in progress. Heck, Heart of a Lugia is very much in progress. What the point is is that what you're aiming for - people telling what they want to read - isn't going to happen until they see the components that NES2 talks about. You should read some of the other fanfics on here that have been successful to see how it's done - Through the Eyes of a Flareon, Wings Have We, The Path of Destiny are all excellent places to start. You really should take this critique seriously, which I do not think you're doing. A story needs to be well-thought-out, something original that grabs peoples' interests. It needs to have a plot, grammar, proper spelling, and all of that. My advice would be to actually read others' stories to see what they did right.
fine then if you hate it ill delete it.I HAVE WRITERS BLOCK!!!!!!!!!!!
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  #8  
Old 03-19-2011, 06:50 PM
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Default Re: pokemon eternity

I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
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  #9  
Old 03-19-2011, 06:52 PM
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Default Re: pokemon eternity

Oh and no one praises me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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  #10  
Old 03-19-2011, 07:06 PM
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Default Re: pokemon eternity

We don't owe you praise if we feel the story doesn't deserve it. The truth is that this is a poor effort at writing and that you can do better.

But don't give up. The fact that we are giving you advice on how to make your stories better means that we DO believe in you, and we are happy that we have you as a member of PE2K. I believe you CAN write an EXCELLENT story, but you will have to pick yourself up, try and try again at writing a good story, and learn from your mistakes. Never give up on anything. If you believe you can be a good writer, you can be a good writer.
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  #11  
Old 03-19-2011, 07:31 PM
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Default Re: pokemon eternity

thanks for making me feel better about myself
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  #12  
Old 03-19-2011, 08:08 PM
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Default Re: pokemon eternity

When in my post did I EVER say that I hated any part of it?
NES2 is putting it better than I can, but basically the fact that we're giving you advice instead of what many do - saying simply that a story is bad without giving any critique - at least proves that we think you have a shot and that it's worth taking the time to tell you all of this.
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  #13  
Old 03-19-2011, 09:12 PM
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Default Re: pokemon eternity

sorry it seemed like you hated it
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