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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 03-14-2011, 09:30 PM
bleepbloop's Avatar
bleepbloop Offline
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Default yet another magikarp story.... [my story gots graded, yay i caught the godfish :DD ]

Attemtped Pokemon: Magikarp
Characters needed: 3-5k
Characters have w/o spaces: 4,615
Characters with spaces: 5,364
Hope yous all enjoys :)

“It flops, it splashes, it tackles and it can take down Garchomp!” a weedy looking sales person was shouting to a crowd of people intent on getting to their destination; The Battle Dome. He wore a blue bandana tied across his head, a shockingly bright red coat over a white shirt and pants. He was standing behind a roughly built stand, on one side there stood a tank covered by a cloth, the other a square box looking object, also covered, “This is a one time opportunity folks! What is it you might ask? Why it’s only the most powerful Pokemon in our world! It’s Magikarp, and it can be yours for only twenty-five dollars!!” As he spoke, he revealed the tank of Magikarp with a flourish. Some people stopped and stared as he said this, then they started to laugh.

“It’s too ridiculous!” they screamed.

Or, “Magikarp are pathetic.”

This didn’t deter the weedy sales man. He smiled and pulled off the other cover revealing a T.V. he pressed the power button and stood back as it showed a battle video. A huge dark leathery beast stared down a blood red scaled fish. The Garchomp rushed towards the Magikarp with its claws a blaze ready to strike the helpless fish. The Garchomp took an underhand swing and, gouging deep marks in the pavement below, landed a direct hit with a powerful dragon claw attack. For the most part people were still heading toward the Battle Dome to watch that days battle however some did stay and watch, which excited the salesman.

“Just watch ladies and gents,” he spoke enthusiastically, “Things may look bad for our fishy friend, but what’s this?” He exclaimed.

On screen, the Garchomp had sent the poor fish flying high into the air with what seemed to be a fatal attack. However the Magikarp had a sash tied around its waist, it blended in so well with its scales that no one seemed to know that it was around it. The focus sash activated and saved the fish from taking a one hit K.O. At that moment, it started to rain which activated Magikarps swift swim ability. As the rain poured down the Magikarp zoomed across the battle field in a crimson blur. It rocketed towards the Garchomp and slammed into it with such forced that the dragon type went flying. The audience that was gathering around the T.V. stared as the Garchomp struggled to get to its feet. The jet like dragon was enraged that something as small and weak as that Magikarp had gotten the better of him that he charged at full strength. As it was still raining though, Magikarp was faster. It darted this way and that in order to confuse it, then sped towards it for another flailing tackle. It sent the Garchomp to the ground yet again. But being the enraged dragon that it was, it would not allow itself to get completely and utterly decimated by this pathetic fish. As it stood readying itself for another attack, the Magikarp started to glow.

A pure white aura formed around it, engulfing the small fish. Its form blurred and became formless. Its body started to stretch and grow taller. As it grew, its flat body stretched into a serpentine form, its deep red scales growing lighter until they were a sky blue. The Gyarados, having finished its transformation, let out an enraged roar. It was furious. Furious at the world for only Arceus knows what. It started to go on a rampage completely ignoring the fact that it was in a battle against a formidable Pokemon. It shot hyper beams from its mouth, left and right it let out spouts of water with enough force to punch through the concrete walls that surrounded the field. It wasn’t until the Garcomp let out its own ball of draconic energy and shot it strait at the newly evolved Gyarados that the Pokemon realized what it was doing there. Its fiery eyes alighted on the Garchomp right as the dragon rage attack hit the Gyarados strait in the face.

Far from feeling any sort of pain from the attack, new anger surged forth from the serpentine pokemon. It charged and let out another hydro pump attack strait for the Garchomp, the Garchomp was still tired from the attacks that the Magikarp had given it and promptly took a direct hit. The sales man pressed the power button again and the T.V. turned off.

“There you have it folks, a David and a Goliath like battle. Magikarp awakens to its full potential and takes down a fully evolved and expertly trained Garchomp. These Magikarp just recently hatched and are sired from the one you just saw the television. So, who wants one?” he asked with excitement written all over his face. His eyes alighted to a man with no hair standing right in the back of the small crowd. He wore a white polo shirt under a black trench coat. His light blue eyes were, a moment ago, staring intently at the battle that was just on the screen.

“You there!” he called out to the tall coated man in the back, “How about it my fine looking friend? You look like you can handle one of these all mighty Pokemon!”

The man, known as Mizuiro, looked up and fixed the salesman with a piercing look and revealed a long, thin crescent shaped scar on his left cheek. He looked down at his companion, an equally fierce looking Scizor, and said in a low tenor, “Well Sky? What do you think?” Mizuiro was always asking his Pokemon for their opinions, but Sky just gave him a noncommittal shrug and looked away. He walked slowly towards the sales person, who now looked as though calling forth this man was a bad idea, thinking, *If what this fool says is true, I could be looking for a treat of a life time, however if he’s lying I could always have him answer to Sky.* He reached the salesman and gave a piercing look, *Should I? Or shouldn’t I?* he thought to himself…..

AN: Mizuiro believing the sales man and purchasing a Magikarp is a successful capture, him sicking his Scizor and having done with the salesman is an unsuccessful capture... jk :D anyway him not believing and calling the cops

My awesome nooby Urpg stats -==-==- my awesome nooby ASB stats i'm accepting all aim battles just pm me if you want one
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Old 04-11-2011, 10:41 PM
Turtwig's A-B-Cs Offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 252
Default Re: yet another magikarp story.... [my story gots claimed but i would like it graded.

Sorry about lateness, a bunch of my grades were deleted so I had to restart them. Excuse the length of this as well please.

Introduction: This story begins with the salesman yelling out to the crowd. I like this introduction, it drew me into the story definitely. It starts strong as well, and I like that. A strong introduction makes me think that the rest of the story will be great, and that's a good thought.

It works the other way around, if the introduction sucks, then we think the rest will. That's what makes this section one of the most important. Keep that in mind.

I'm also looking for one more thing in this section though: did it open up to the rest of the story? Well let's see. He yells at the crowd, they yell back, but then he shows the video, the main part. I'd say yes, it does meet this as well, meaning you did well here.

Plot: This plot is about a salesman trying to sell his product. Of course, the product is none other than Magikarp! To be honest, selling Magikarp is a common thing in the series. Remember the salesman from the anime, or the guy in Red/Blue/Green/Yellow/LeafGreen/FireRed, who reappears in Black/White? Apparently, it's what they use to scam most of the time. I wouldn't call this plot necessarily original, but let's remember, we're going for an Easiest category 'mon. Even if that fact is not counted, at least you strayed from a plot centered around fishing, or going into a forest and finding one.

Anyway, it then shows a video about Magikarp going up against a Garchomp. I have to say, this is definitely my favorite part of the story. It strays from the usual selling Magikarp thing, and goes toward a selling tactic you'd see in the real world. I like it when plots that are seemingly unoriginal take this sort of spin. I like it even better when the original part is the main part of the story, which this is. As a result, I'd say you did well on this part.

The final part, the salesman tries to get Mizuiro to buy it. He's who I called the James in this situation, or the guy that he attempts to scam. His success though is unknown, or at least until this grade's end. From here, the story ends.

This story as a whole appealed to me a lot, and I like how you put thought to stray away from a totally unoriginal story, like I stated earlier. To conclude, you did well here.

Grammar/Spelling: I don't see any repeated errors, so good job here. I'll just note some other things that I did see though. I'll show these now:

Some people stopped and stared as he said this, then they started to laugh.
However the Magikarp had a sash tied around its waist, it blended in so well with its scales that no one seemed to know that it was around it.
In both of these cases, you're missing a conjunction. They are needed to connect the sentence, because if the sentences aren't connected, then the story doesn't connect, and the story connecting is big for ease of reading.

Something I'd like to note, though, is that in the second, you used the word 'it' as a sort of conjunction. The reason this doesn't work is because its an article, a completely different part of speech that a conjunction.

Now for the next:

This was probably a typo, but there's an 'h' missing in Garchomp.

Either way, these errors weren't really repeated often, so you did a good job in this category.

Reality: Like I noted earlier, selling Magikarp is practically the only way they scam in this series. It's happened so often, so I don't doubt its plausibility. The video gave me some doubts, but it's a video used for advertising; the validity of videos in this particular category are very debatable, so I can't take it seriously that a Magikarp can beat Garchomp, or at least, not entirely. Bottom line, you did a good job here.

Description: This story is mostly based on the description of sight due to being told from a third-person point of view. That's okay though, because you did put enough description in the right places, without putting too much. I'd say you did well here.

Dialogue: This story was pretty good as far as dialogue goes, so you're good here.

Length: As far as requirements, I'd say you're good here. Is this length appropriate as far as pacing and spacing though? Well, this story did move at a pace that wasn't very fast, and there were few gaps between the events, so I'd say you did well here. Great job!

Inclusion of Target: It's the product of the salesman, and appears in the video. I'd say Magikarp is pretty major here, so you're good here as well.

Outcome: Magikarp is captured. You did a very great job here, just make sure about originality plot-wise if you go for a higher ranking, and using conjunctions. Congrats on the godfish, and I hope to see you writing again.
Specs Unown
Hidden Power
This is an ingenious moveset spread across the ages, constructed piece by piece with painstaking care in the arching caverns and ancient machinery of the most devious and cunning hive mind in the history of anything. This moveset brings Unown's fullest potential into the light. His most powerful move, Hidden Power, rips through Magikarp, Hoppip, and Feebas with its unimaginable power, 2HKOing and OHKOing Magikarp and Hoppip with Hidden Power Ice, respectively. A neutral Hidden Power gives Feebas the ol' one-two-hit KO. When facing such opponents, Unown is unbeatable.

Last edited by Turtwig's A-B-Cs; 04-12-2011 at 03:10 AM.
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Old 04-11-2011, 11:35 PM
bleepbloop's Avatar
bleepbloop Offline
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Default Re: yet another magikarp story.... [my story gots claimed but i would like it graded.

sweet thanks i'll defininatly enjoy my godfish as you put it as he is rather godly :P

My awesome nooby Urpg stats -==-==- my awesome nooby ASB stats i'm accepting all aim battles just pm me if you want one
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