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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 01-07-2011, 04:35 PM
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Default Nida and Nido (WWC, lost) (Graded)

OOC: My WWC entry, for a Nidoran F.

IC: "Hey, Nido! Wanna play hide and seek?" a young Pokemon shouted enthusiastically. It was Nida, a young and playful female Nidoran.
"Yeah Nida, I wanna play tig! I'll be 'it'. I wonder how the fallen snow will affect our game?" came the cheerful reply of a purple look-a-like. This was Nido, a male Nidoran, and the best friend of Nida.
"Nido, you can start counting to twenty now, since I'm going to hide now," Nida smiled.
"Kay, I'll count. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight..." the young Nidoran M replied, closing his eyes. Meanwhile, Nida looked around for a place to hide.

Their rocky play area were now covered in snow. Each rock was now covered in a sheet of white, and the very few trees, which were all leafless, had snow-tipped branches. 'Where to hide? How about behind that rock?' Nida thought, scampering behind a rock that was big enough to hide her.

"Ready or not, here I come!" Nido shouted, opening his eyes. Nida tried not to move or make even the tiniest noise as the young Nidoran M scanned the area. Soon, Nido decided to look behind the rocks. He scoured the back of each rock, looking for Nida.

“Found you!” Nido cried, eyes fixed on Nida from behind her. He had found Nida.
“Aw man, you found me!” Nida sighed.
“Nida, it’s getting late now. Come home with me,” Latifah, Nida’s mother, sternly said.
“The same goes for you, Nido. Come home now,” Junpei, a Nidoking that was Nido's father, sternly commanded.
“But we want to stay and play together! Please can we stay?” Nida and Nido chimed. Junpei and Latifah just stared harder at the two Nidorans.
“Guess that’s a no, then...” they sighed. Latifah and Junpei walked out of the rocky area, towards the field where they lived. Nida and Nido followed them, without even thinking about what would have happened if they disobeyed Latifah and Junpei.

When they got to their field, it began to snow. Each small snowflake fell to the ground gently. Nida walked quite some way from Latifah, and looked up.
“The snow is so beautiful... Just like it always is,” Nida smiled, admiring the pretty snow falling all around her.
“Yeah, it does look quite pretty,” Nido said, walking up beside Nida. Suddenly, they heard some voices from the bushes.
“Hey Bob, are those two Pokémon Nidorans? Poison Type Pokemon that become Ground Type upon evolution?”
“Yeah Bill. I think you should catch one. All trainers need a Poison Type on their team, and ever since you lost Tentacool, you need another one.” Both of the speakers walked out from behind the bush, and stared at Nida and Nido.

They revealed themselves to be Pokémon Trainers. One was called Bob, and he was wearing a blue jacket over a black top. The other was called Bill, and was wearing a red jacket over a white top. They were both wearing black jogging bottoms and black Nike trainers. Bob had a blue turtle-like Pokémon by his side, and Bill had a green dinosaur. The Pokemon they had were a Squirtle and a Bulbasaur.
“Squirtle, attack that purple pest with Water Gun!” Bob commanded. His Squirtle blasted water at Nido, throwing him back.

“Mum, a Pokemon Trainer just attacked Nido!” Nida shouted, before she was hit by Razor Leaf.
“Don’t worry, I’m coming!” Latifah replied. She rushed over to the battle scene, and looked at the trained Pokemon. Junnpei rushed over too, but Bulbasaur just Sleep Powdered him, making him sleep. She punched the ground near them, splitting it. Both the Squirtle and Bulbasaur were knocked out from this.
“That is the power of Earth Power,” Latifah smiled to the two young Nidorans.
“You could’ve told me that they’d have some goody goody mother protecting them, Bob,” Bill muttered, returning Bulbasaur to his Pokeball.
“I knew that. So I used our starters as bait to lure a powerful Pokémon that I can easily defeat,” Bob muttered back. He returned his Squirtle. Then, he sent out a Rattata. Bill was confused as to how a Rattata could defeat a Nidoqueen, when he noticed something shining in the Rattata’s paw. He then remembered a childhood technique he and Bob had thought up.

“Rattata, stage one of F.E.A.R.!” Bob shouted. His Rattata tried to ram into Latifah, but was just smacked by her tail. Normally, Rattata would have fainted, but it just dropped the thing it was holding, a Focus Sash. It then successfully rammed into Latifah, reducing her to low HP. That move was Endeavour. Then the purple rat used Quick Attack, knocking the Nidoqueen out. However, it was left open to a Scratch attack from Nida, knocking it out. The Rattata was returned to it’s Pokeball by Bob.

“It’s just you and me, Squirm,” Bill sighed. He held up a Pokeball and threw it onto the field. A beam of light came from it, which materialized into a Butterfree.
“Confusion, Squirm!” Bill commanded. His Butterfree glowed blue, and lifted Nida up into the air. Bill pointed to a tall oak tree, and Squirm slammed Nida against it. She was bruised by it, but managed to use another move. She used Poison Sting, ramming into Squirm with her horn. But then, she became weaker with the snow. So did Squirm. ’The cold is getting to me, making me feel colder, and weakening me.’ Nida thought, before charging at Squirm with Scratch. It missed, as Squirm had fluttered out of the way.

Then Squirm used Harden. It had learned the move as a Metapod, and then kept it when it evolved to Butterfree. Now it had higher defense.
“Nido, please can I have a little help here?” Nida called out. The Nidoran M scampered over to her, and used Helping Hand. Nida’s attack was boosted.
“Let’s try Scratch and Peck, now,” Nida smiled. Both of the Nidorans charged at Butterfree. Nido jumped up and struck with his horn, while Nida’s claw collided with the butterfly. Squirm retaliated with Silver Wind. He flapped his wings, creating a gust carrying silver dust. It hit the two Nidorans, and damaged them quite a bit. They still stood, though.
"Again!" Nida shouted, Both Nidorans attacked the airborne Butterfree physically. Squirm was damged quite a bit, but he retaliated with another Silver Wind. It hit, and the two young Pokemon fell back, weakened.
“Let’s catch ‘em now that they're weak! Go Pokeball!” Bob exclaimed, throwing a Pokeball at Nido. It rocked back and forth, before eventually stopping. He ran across the snow and picked up the Pokeball. Meanwhile, Bill threw a Pokeball at Nida. She got sucked in, and the red and white sphere wobbled backwards and forwards. Bill waited for it to stop, signalling the Nidoran was caught. During this time, Junpei woke up, but only to see Nida and Nido in Pokeballs. He wanted to save them, but could do nothing about it. The snow slowly fell around Bill, as he carefully watched the Pokeball wobble...


OOC: I'm not going to use the Nidoran M captured in the story, so don't tell me off for that.
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Am I the only person on PE2K who likes Inazuma Eleven?

Last edited by IceKyurem; 04-21-2011 at 07:22 AM.
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  #2  
Old 03-09-2011, 08:13 PM
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Default Re: Nida and Nido (WWC)

BUMP for attention, and a possible grade.
Surely it doesn't take two months to grade a story for a Simple 'mon? If it does, then I think PE2K should get faster graders.
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  #3  
Old 04-01-2011, 10:16 PM
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Default Re: Nida and Nido (WWC)

I'll go ahead and claim this.
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  #4  
Old 04-13-2011, 12:06 AM
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Default Re: Nida and Nido (WWC, lost) (Claimed)

Intro: You jump write into some dialogue which isn't a bad way to start out a story. Heading right into the action is a good way to hook the reader and get them invested in your story and the characters, which is what a good author seeks to do. This isn't a particularly suspenseful story, but that technique works with a lot of different types of stories, so it's something to remember.

Plot/Battle: Your story basically follows two Nidoran who are playing a game of tag. Their parents call them home, but they ignore them and sneak out. They are then attacked by trainers who want to capture them. Their parents come to the rescue, but are quickly defeated and the Nidoran are captured. Not too bad for a simple Pokemon. When you go for Pokemon of higher ranks, you should try to make your plots more complex, but for now, it's fine.

The main part of your story was actually the battle, which you did really well on. Bob set up a complex scheme to wear down Nidoking and Nidoqueen, thus leaving the Nidoran vulnerable. The Focus Sash/Endeavor/Quick Attack combo seemed well thought out. You should do good in the battle section. ;D Anyways, yeah. This is all good for a simple story.

Dialogue: A lot of your story is dialogue, and it seems well written. You only have a couple weird grammar thingies wrong with it (which I mentioned below). The rest is fine, flows well, and doesn't mess up the reader's understanding of your story, so you're good.

Grammar:

Quote:
"Nido, you can start counting to twenty now, since I'm going to hide now," Nida smiled.
Okay, so basically, the part that says 'Nida smiled.' is used as a dialogue tag. A dialogue tag is anything like 'said', 'yelled', 'shouted', etc. They're used to express how someone says something. So you can't use 'smiled' as a dialogue tag. You can't smile your words. So you could make this:

Quote:
"Nido, you can start counting to twenty now, since I'm going to hide now." Nida smiled.
That way they're two separate sentences.

Quote:
Their rocky play area were now covered in snow.
'Were' should be 'was'.

Quote:
Junpei and Latifah just stared harder at the two Nidorans.
All Pokemon's names are the singular and plural version of themselves. Kind of like the word deer or moose. You use the same word no matter how many there are. So you can have one Nidoran, or two Nidoran, or three Nidoran....

Quote:
Hey Bob, are those two Pokémon Nidorans?
You need a comma after 'Hey'.

Other than those things, your grammar was pretty good, especially for a first story. :3

Detail: You do pretty well with detail too. You describe the Pokemon to some degree and go into a lot of detail with the trainers. You could've put more description on the trainers' Pokemon, since there's almost 600 now and most people can't remember what they all look like. Also, you should try to describe the moves the Pokemon use in battle better. Like how is Endeavor different from a normal tackle in appearance? There's gotta be something that makes them different. Maybe glowing or something? The Focus Sash was still cool though. Most people don't do items, so it was kind of a nice change. But yeah. You're doing all right here, just a little more work.

Length: You needed 5k and you have 6.6k, so you're fine.

Reality: Nothing super unrealistic, other than a team of basics and a Butterfree took down a Nidoking and Nidoqueen? I guess they could've, just suspension of disbelief, bro.....

Personal Feelings: It was a good first story and I liked it. :3

Outcome: Nidoran...captured.

Have fun with your Pokemon!

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  #5  
Old 04-21-2011, 06:55 AM
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Default Re: Nida and Nido (WWC, lost) (Claimed)

Some things.
1. This isn't my first story. It's my third.
2.
Quote:
The Focus Sash/Endeavor/Quick Attack combo seemed well thought out.
It's actually quite well known.
3. (reality section)
Butterfree didn't actually defeat Nidoking, it just put it to sleep.
FEAR can even defeat an ARCEUS, so it will probably be able to defeat a Nidoqueen.

Unlike my other stories (the ones with the titles '[Name] and [Name]: A [Pokemon] tale'), this is an one-shot. So, no more to read here.
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Am I the only person on PE2K who likes Inazuma Eleven?
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  #6  
Old 04-23-2011, 04:40 AM
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Default Re: Nida and Nido (WWC, lost) (Graded)

:0 Sorry, I only thought this was your first story, cause it was for a simple Pokemon and I'm not on PE2K a lot. >> And I probably didn't know that combo cause I suck at battling. But yeah. XD
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