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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 01-02-2011, 03:54 PM
Empty Box Offline
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 18
Default SPACEPIRATEZOMBIES [Winter Writing Competition]

SPACE PIRATE ZOMBIES
by Empty Box
------------------
Pokemon going for -- Burmy
Level -- Easiest
Characters needed -- 5k
Characters (with spaces) -- 12k [This includes the summary. With or without it, I'm sure it's over 5k.]
------------------
Uh, enjoy the story. It's not that strong, since I only really had a few hours. Uh, yeah. I'm also getting 20 bucks if this places in the WWC, so PLEASE VOTE FOR ME :3
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Summary
Spoiler:
Summary --Jimmy is a small boy that's teased at school. One day, the school offers a program which allows the kids to be taken into space. Jimmy tries this because he wants to be cool. When they go up into space, a giant floating pirate ship blows their ship up because they're pirates and they're mean like that. Jimmy survives and is about to be killed by the pirates when zombies in space suits board the ship and start eating everyone. Everyone's running around. Jimmy finds a sword and an awesome battle scene against zombies and pirates alike occurs. Jimmy eventually loses, though. As he's about to get his brains eaten, there's a big flash of light. All the zombies and pirates run away. Jimmy can't, since he's tied to a pole on the mast of the ship. While sitting there, he has a friendly conversation with the mast, which is apparently sentient. He figures out that the mast is a magical being that made a bet with its friend that if he wrote about a small boy that goes to space, gets abducted by pirates and faces off with some zombies, he would win the writing contest on a forum. Jimmy then realizes that he's just a figment of some ship mast's stupid imagination, and finds his reason for existence meaningless. He goes off to kill himself, but the mast tells him to stop. There has to be a pokemon capture for the story to be legit. Jimmy's cool with that, so he takes a Pokeball out of his pocket and catches the Burmy that the mast (being magical ad all) spawned on the ship. He then jumps off the boat and kills himself. :3

--------------------

Jimmy walked down the hallway slowly, trying not to be noticed by his tormentors. Unfortunately, it was easy to pick him out in a crowd due to his face, which honestly just looked like a generic smiley face. His blue skin and lack of a body didn't help much, either. So, uh, walking isn't totally accurate. More like bouncing. Anyways, he attempted to maneuver his way through the school hallway, but unfortunately just before he could make it into the classroom, Jimmy was assaulted by a flurry of children's fists, the crowd of bullies having found him. They took no time in tormenting him with their noise, teasing, and punches.

"LOLOLOL," they jeered as the poor boy was forced into running (er, bouncing) away crying once again. The evil children eventually got bored of ruining Jimmy's life, though, and left to go run over some squirrels with their brand new Go-Karts.

Jimmy looked back at the regressing crowd, wondering why basically every child in the school but him didn't attend, and yet the teachers were totally oblivious to it.

"Well, maybe I should skip too, then..." Jimmy decided. Unfortunately, the blue smiley face had little time to enjoy this, as just as he was about to leave the building, his homeroom teacher jumped out of the classroom with a tranquilizer dart, and shrieked,

"TARDY!" He then shot the dart into Jimmy's eye. Jimmy fell to the ground (kinda weird since he was already on the ground. I mean, really. He's just a blue ball.), his vision blurry (both from the drug and his bleeding eye). He sat there for a while in his puddle of blood and misery, and eventually blacked out, awakening in the nurse's office.

----------------

At school the next day, everyone was... present, Jimmy noted to himself. What's more, they were jittering with excitement. This was new ground for the small blue guy, and so he decided to pay attention to whatever was going on.

Suddenly, a microphone blared.

"ATTENTION ALL FUTURE DISAPPOINTMENTS. WE ARE GONNA SEND SOME OF YOU INTO SPACE. JUST COME TO THE FRONT OFFICE IF YOU WANNA GO WE'RE LEAVING SOON."

A rush of students exited the classroom, and stampeded their way to the front office. Jimmy bounced behind -- this was an opportunity to prove his coolness to the other kids! Never before had Jimmy looked so happy. His heart beat with hope. (And little did he know then, but an aneurysm. (That's another story, though.))

At the front office, Jimmy noticed the remarkably small number of people there. Of course, all his questions were answered when he looked outside the front window to see the other children on Go-Karts, running over squirrels. Huh. The school had seemed full. That's weird.

'These kids are either deaf, extremely stupid, or both...' Jimmy thought to himself as he hopped into the rocket that had just so happened to have crashed through the ceiling a few seconds before. 'Oh well. They'll see how cool I am when I get back from SPACE.'

--------------------

Jimmy yawned.

"YOU MAY BE ABLE TO SEE THE ASTEROID ON THE LEFT. IT IS CALLED IDA," said the guide programmed into the oddly-shaped rocket.

"AND RIGHT BEHIND US IS A HOLY SH*T SPACE PIRATES WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE----" The machine was interrupted by a large red laser bursting through the walls of the vehicle, incinerating all of its passengers except Jimmy, who was rocketed onto the entity that had destroyed his fellow classmates (He honestly didn't know whether to be happy about that or horrified (his classmates being exploded, I mean)) -- a large pirate ship with huge flags bearing emblems of multiple fruits. It was a rather intimidating naval vessel (Er... space... naval... vessel?)

"WHO BE DARING TO INTRUDE OUR SHIP YARR HARRR HURRRRRK," The poor boy heard an imposing voice say. Unfortunately for Jimmy, there was nowhere to run. Slowly, the figure of a tall, muscular pirate came into view.

"OH? A YOUNG BOY...? WELL, IT MATTER NOT. BOY, PREPARE TO BE SHANKED AT THE HANDS OF ME CREW!" he said, slightly amused with the annoyance. Jimmy didn't really know whether to be scared or to laugh, so he just kinda stood there, feeling rather awkward.

"Uh, why did you blow up our ship?" the blue ball asked, not really knowing what to say. The pirate crew, all confused by this question, muttered among themselves,

"Hyarr... snork... hurr.." Finally, after several moments of this, one of the pirates came forward with,

"ARR! We be pirates! THAT BE OUR PERFESSION, YE HEAR!?"

"Uh... get a job?"

At this, the pirates flew into a rage. The captain rushed towards him, screaming,

"YE BE GOIN' TO DAVEY JONE'S LOCKER!" with sword in hand. It seemed like Jimmy was already chopped in half. No, really. The sword was basically an inch from his face. But there was something that made the pirate stop. It was a moan, one that couldn't be made by any pirate.

"Bweeeeoarrrguuuuahuaaaahug...."

The pirates all looked amongst themselves in horror. 'What was that?' Jimmy wondered, trying to ignore the sword still about one centimeter away from his face. But what he saw next would make it obvious. The ship filled with green, rotting men, all of them groaning, moaning and shouting,

"BRAINSGaralkjslja...." The pirate captain, who was petrified before, squealed,

"OH NO! IT BE ZOMBIES! YARRRRR!" He quickly pulled off his beard, took off his hat (he looked rather like a hobo without all of those props), and jumped off the boat, screaming all the while. All the other pirates followed suit, realizing that the zombies were too powerful for meager pirates to handle.

-----------------------

Jimmy, who until this point had figured that this was all rather real, now started to think that this was simply a stunt being pulled by the school.

'Ha! I'm sure this has happened to all the other kids that have attended this 'space program' too. I mean, seriously? Space Pirate Zombies? Well, I might as well enjoy it, now that I know it's fake. Really, the school would never start a program that could result in CASUALTIES,' he thought to himself. The blue child rolled his way over to a sword, and picked it up with his teeth. He was gonna kill some zombies.

'It's like a video game, but real! Also, I'm sure that this will win me MAJOR cool points at school...' Jimmy thought as he bounced his way to the nearest zombie and decapitated it.

"Gweeerblurblarblureblll..." The zombie said as it's last traces of (after)life floated away. The death of one of its own infuriated the other zombies, who changed form from slow, green, humanoid slowpokes to clawed, intelligent, fast monsters. They rushed at Jimmy, intending to extract his brain.

Jimmy... was a bit scared by this, but not totally unfazed. He continued whacking the "zombies" with his sword, and managed to kill quite a few of them off. He used the lack of gravity to his advantage, often avoiding an attack by floating away. However, the monsters were simply too much for the blue ball. He found himself tied to a pole, with five zombies around him, all intending to chop off the top of his head.

-----------------------

Yet again, Jimmy was saved. Suddenly, a giant pink portal appeared from the sky, and all of the zombies, screaming

"Weeblurrhrhrhluuubeh!!!?!?!" and other monstrous sounds, were slowly sucked into the large entity. The portal then disappeared, leaving no trace of the zombies (except for a few guts (well, that's nobody's fault but Jimmy's, so)). Jimmy... was a bit confused, to say the least. More than that, he had no clue what to do. Here he was, tied to the mast of a ship, with no way to get out. He figured that the school would get him out soon enough.

"Hey there!" the ship's mast said.

"Oh, hi. How can you talk?" said the blue ball.

"Well, I'm the creator of this story," the mast grinned.

"What...story? I don't know what you're talking about..." said Jimmy.

"Oh, let me explain! You're simply a character in one of my stories. I'm the author, and I wanted to ask you something so I took the form of a mast. Seriously, you don't think that this would all be possible in real life, did you?"

"So... the pirates and zombies weren't planned by the school?" said Jimmy.

"Well, no. Then again, your school was just a figment of my twisted imagination." said the pole.

"So... I'm just a stupid CHARACTER?" said Jimmy, the blue ball feeling increasingly worse about his reason for existing.

"Yep! And one with a story with a lot of plot holes, at that. In fact, that's one of the main reasons I came -- I mean, if I didn't, I'd get really harsh reviews for all the plot holes, right?"

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?" Jimmy cried. He now realized that his whole miserable existence was due to some stupid kid who thought he could write. His live was meaningless. The blue ball didn't want to live anymore.

"Well, I made a bet with a friend. I saw this writing competition, and I didn't really want to enter, but my friend bet me that if I wrote a story involving space, pirates, and zombies that placed in this competition, he'd give me twenty bucks. So, I figured, why not? I mean, even if I don't place, it's still a chance to improve my writing..."

------------------------

The pole continued rambling, but Jimmy had had enough. He just wanted to die. He bounced to the edge of the ship (the rope binding him to the pole had come lose some time ago), rolled over to the "plank", and said his final goodbyes to the world.

"Wait!" the mast said.

"Are you committing suicide?"

Jimmy just nodded.

"Well, before you do that, I need you to do a favor for me."

"What is it?" Jimmy said miserably.

"Well, this story needs to capture a Pokemon to be legitimate, so I have this Burmy over here," the mast said, pointing to a small bagworm in front of him (Yes, the mast grew arms).

"Would you mind catching it?" The mast said cheerfully.

"Oh, sure." Jimmy said, taking out a Pokeball from his back pocket and throwing it at the Burmy. The ball just kinda sat there, not really moving or anything, so Jimmy assumed it was caught. Or the Burmy could be dead. Either way.

"Kthx," the mast said.

"You can jump off now if you want."

"Ok, thanks, mast. :3" Jimmy said, and he flung himself off the boat and to his doom.

(And yes, there was gravity in space at that point.)

(At least for Jimmy there was.)

(Oh yeah, it was also winter. If that helps with the relation to the theme.)
-----------------

Also, I guess this means I won't get to tell you about Jimmy's aneurysm. Aww. ;_;

Anyways, yeah. I'm the mast. See how I can switch points of view like that? Pretty cool. :0

So, yeah. Uh, not really much to say for this epilogue. The kids with the Go-Karts eventually caused the extinction of squirrels. They were pretty pumped up about it.

Uh... well, since it's up to me to create futures for all of the surviving characters, and I'm too lazy, I guess this is it.

So, thanks for reading.

------------------
Pokemon going for -- Burmy
Level -- Easiest
Characters needed -- 5k
Characters (with spaces) -- 12k [This includes the summary. With or without it, I'm sure it's over 5k.]
------------------

Last edited by Empty Box; 01-02-2011 at 05:07 PM.
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  #2  
Old 04-10-2011, 11:46 AM
Ataro's Avatar
Ataro Offline
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Default Re: SPACEPIRATEZOMBIES [Winter Writing Competition]

INTRODUCTION
You started off by depicting some random kid being jeered. Apparently, he was some sort of freak since he was a blue ball-like creature and looked ridiculous with his blue skin and the way he walked by bouncing. However, I was told that these 'creatures' were people, and thus humans. How did a human get blue skin and bounce by walking, and even lack of a body ... ? I'm not saying it's impossible. There needs to be a degree of explanation regarding this. Even if the story is being written for an Easiest category Pokemon like Burmy, when you're doing stuff like that that is usually out of the ordinary, there needs to be some explanation for the plot to flow smoothly.

PLOT
Like I said, the plot didn't flow smoothly. I don't mean any offense if it seemed like it was intended, but the story seemed to be more of a comical story at the moment. That's fine. I do get tired of seeing serious stories all the time, especially for Pokemon like Burmy. However, it can't exactly be random slices of plot being derived from here and there, then jumbled up together to form a story.

I get a story of a bizarre kid that looked like an alien (left unexplained throughout the story), and some day somehow, they were told they were being transported into outer space. Suddenly, there were zombies and pirates and this kid started to fight and slash his way through. Then, I was told that he wanted to die but had to capture a Pokemon before he died.

Completely random. I did enjoy the part where you included that the kid found out he was simply a character made for the 'lulz' by a writer and how he got so emo over it though. It added a dash of reality and fun to it. Even up to the part where he was told that he needed to capture a Pokemon even before he die because that's how stories were written, that was also okay. At least for Burmy, I guess. But that didn't change how your story were made up of jumbled plots here and there that made almost no sense.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING
There were a couple of more important problems here.

---

Fragmented sentences. For example:
Jimmy, who until this point had figured that this was all rather real, now started to think that this was simply a stunt being pulled by the school.

Fragmented sentences, when used so as to create a bold statement, to empathize something, is perfectly fine. However, if they are simply a cause of bad sentence structure, it becomes an issue. You could simply fix it to this, so that it becomes a full sentence:
Jimmy started to think about how this was simply a stunt being pulled by the school, after thinking the whole time that this was all rather realistic.

---

'Ha! I'm sure this has happened to all the other kids that have attended this 'space program' too. I mean, seriously? Space Pirate Zombies? Well, I might as well enjoy it, now that I know it's fake. Really, the school would never start a program that could result in CASUALTIES,' he thought to himself. The blue child rolled his way over to a sword, and picked it up with his teeth. He was gonna kill some zombies.

You should never ever use slang words outside of dialogues. Change 'gonna' to 'going to'.

Try to refrain from using too many Author's Notes as well; refers to those comments made in brackets. It's okay if you feel an important need to make a point or note, but too many of those distracts the reader instead.

---

"Gweeerblurblarblureblll..." The zombie said as it's last traces of (after)life floated away. The death of one of its own infuriated the other zombies, who changed form from slow, green, humanoid slowpokes to clawed, intelligent, fast monsters. They rushed at Jimmy, intending to extract his brain.

Wrong usage. It's is basically used when you're saying it is. In this case, you should have used its instead, since its a possessive meaning. Imagine reading The zombie said as it is last traces..., sounds weird, doesn't it?

LENGTH
Good!

DETAIL/DESCRIPTION
You did describe Jimmy's features to some extent, albeit still not enough. One of the crucial questions was why did Jimmy look like that? I want to have details. There was also no description of the background setting. What place was it in? When describing, you'd want to describe things in your stories so that the reader can visualize what are you talking about. The basic thing to follow would be to start describing everything that can be seen, especially the more important features, such as your main character, background setting, etc.

BATTLE
To be honest, I really expected a battle. While not required, it is usually a safety net for stories. Unless you're replying heavily on your plot for a capture, you should almost always have a battle. In your case, you could have had even more to work with if you had a battle. Even if Burmy only learns like three attacks, it doesn't mean at all that the battle would be boring.

There are a wide range of variety for you to write battles. Some people employ move combos, some people employ abilities, some people employ special abilities or functions that some Pokemon possess, some people even employ the usage of their surroundings. The latter is of which, the most important. Just because Burmy learns only three attacks, it doesn't mean that the battle would revolve around those three. You can make use of the properties of Hidden Power, or perhaps the leaves on Burmy. How would those affect the battle? Or even, how would the surroundings affect the battle? Using your surroundings is automatically a bonus for your battle, because you not only describe your surroundings so that the reader can know what is happening around you (realism), but you also show that you're able to adapt to your surroundings by making use of it, which automatically makes a battle more interesting to read.

OUTCOME
If this was just anyone, I'd have failed the story definitely. The story was random throughout, which I was able to ignore to some degree since it was written for an Easiest category Pokemon. However, the fact that the plots were all unconnected and random, details were kept to a minimal, and that there was no battle, kind of put me off.

Though, this was actually a pretty good attempt for your first story. You get the idea of how URPG stories are written usually, and that is good enough for me. You showed that you're relatively comfortable with grammar and required length, while also displaying creativity for your, albeit random plot. Added to the fact that, this is for a Burmy. Therefore, I will award you this capture. Burmy captured!

Have fun with the Burmy, and do continue to improve should you decide to write any more URPG stories!
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