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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 12-31-2010, 06:46 PM
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Default The Present of a New Presence {WWC Story}

This is my entry for the WWC, (Winter Writing Competition) and also, it is my first URPG story. I hope you guys enjoy it!

Title:: The Present of a New Presence
Target:: Pichu
Actual Characters (without spaces):: 11,372
Actual Characters (with spaces):: 13,893
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~Traxx


Last edited by Traxx; 12-31-2010 at 10:53 PM. Reason: Document info
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  #2  
Old 12-31-2010, 06:54 PM
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Default Re: The Present of a New Presence {WWC Story}

It had been a cold night. A blizzard had come, dropping six feet of snow on the ground. The morning was now warmer, and there were distant explosions as trees crippled under the weight of the snow that had fallen. The freshly fallen snow glistened, like millions of tiny diamonds glinting in the light. Under a small tree, a small, yellow, mouse like pokémon was huddled up into a ball. It was too anxious to come out into the light and get warm, thinking that someone would capture it. Footsteps vibrated in the ground as if a huge earthquake was coming. Panicking, the miserable squirrel dejectedly hopped behind the tree, peeking through the branches. There was a creak as a door slowly opened. A boy came out into the snow, and not closing it carefully, left the door open with a crack. A warm breeze rushed towards the hiding pokémon, as if it were meant for it. The Pichu looked around. There was no one in sight. Quickly, it dashed through the crack, and into the snug house.

The poké ball clicked open, and the Darkness Pokémon burst out in a blinding white light. It cawed into the frigid air. “Look at all this snow Lothario,” I boomed up to my pokémon.

“Murkrow!” The black bird cawed back in agreement, and then flew to the top of the tree to survey the new landscape.

“Wait here, I’m going to get my board.” I walked to our garage and hastily grabbed it. Walking back, I noticed that the front door was open. Hope mom didn’t see that. I pulled the knob tight and heard the heavy door securely close. Satisfied, I walked behind our house, whistling for Murkrow to come. The land abruptly turned downwards, making it perfect for boarding. I secured my bindings, made sure that everything was tight, and then gave the order. “Ok Lothario, use tailwind!” I felt an immense push of wind screeching past me as the icy wind from Lothario’s wings propelled me down the hill. “Ok Lothario stop!” I hollered back to my pokémon.

“Mur, Mur, Mur, Mur!” Lothario was laughing.

“Lothario! Stop the wind!” I shrieked. As the wind whistled louder, I could no longer hear Lothario. “Lothario st-!” There was a bitter sting going down my cheek, like cold sand was being ground against it. “Ugh Umph!” I saw flashes of green and white blurring as I tumbled down the hill. “Oohuh!” I was pounded against the ground as I finally stopped rolling. I opened my eyes, and saw Lothario, cocking his head sideways, looking at me as if he hadn’t done anything. “Lothario! You…you…Ahahahaha!” I started laughing and then, Lothario, seeing that I wasn’t mad at him, started laughing with me.

“Mur, Mur Murkrow!” We kept on laughing, and then heard a voice calling from the top of the hill.

“Huh?”

“Andy! Lothario! It’s time for Dinner!” It was Mom.

I sighed. “Alright Mom… We’re coming!” She wasn’t going to be very happy with my new jacket.

The Pichu looked around with desperation. The door had closed just as soon as she came in. Now she couldn’t get out. After a few hopeless moments of looking around, she found the perfect spot. Warm, with lots of light, and a tree just like her house. The Pichu settled down on the soft cloth underneath the tree, and hid behind the trunk. The warmth lulled her to sleep.

“David!” Mom shouted down the hall, “Time for dinner!” There was clank, a dropping of tools, and out of all of that came a voice.

“Ugh…Um alright honey! I just have to…” His voice droned out to a mumble, and the clanging resumed.

“Sigh….Your father….” As she put the food on the table, Dad finally jogged in, panting.

“Just…had…to….clean up….a little…mess…”

“Alright David,” Mom sighed. “Now, Let’s eat!” There was turkey, shining and glistening with herbs and oils, mashed potatoes, the color of rich cream, and yams, cracked open revealing bright orange fruit. I cut myself a piece of turkey, and was picking it up with my fork when I saw the lights on our Christmas tree flicker. Just a short circuit. I went back to eating my turkey when I saw it again. Now, this second time, it seemed a bit strange.

I got up from my seat. My parents gazed up at me.

“Andy? Where are you going?”

I didn’t respond. I got out Lothario’s poke ball and enlarged it with a press of a button. I walked towards the Christmas tree. Underneath, I could see the small shadow of something lurking underneath.

The peaceful Pichu didn’t know what was coming towards it. As footsteps approached, the Pichu’s eyes fluttered open. She smelled something. Something that she hadn’t smelled since her childhood. It had been many years, but she still had not forgotten the scent. People.

It was a bright morning, the dew still fresh on the blades of grass from the night before. The Pichu was out in the field playing with her brothers and sisters. The sun was beginning to rise from the horizon, and the warm rays slowly soaked the earth with its warmth.

The Memory Changed

“BOOM!” All the Pichu looked at each other. They all remembered what Mom said before she died. “Run!” There was confusion and panic as heads bumped, and more sound came from the distance. “BOOM!” “CRASH!” A tree had fallen down. That was-had been, their home.

Behind a bush, the tiny Pichu was hiding. There were voices.

“Hey Tom! Come lift up this lumber for me.” There was no response. “Hurry up Tom, time is money!” As the man walked around the field, a horrible scent came over her .A Stantler running by neared the end of the woods when it fell over in agonizing pain.

“Heh, sucker,” There was the sound of slicing into flesh, and the deer Pokémon no longer moving, perished with the sound. The Pichu, horrified fled into the woods, leaving its friend behind.

The Pokémon’s eyes now flashed open.

It tried to back up, but there was nowhere to hide. The steps got louder, and louder, until they were right outside the tree. Who was there? What were they going to do to her?


The poke ball clicked open quietly, and I signaled for my bird to be quiet.

“Andy, not in the house, please.” Mom called from the dining room.

I swiftly put a finger over my lips, and looked in her direction. There was a sign of protest, but then it subdued. I turned around, and continued stepping quietly, foot over foot, until I was in front of the tree.

The breathing got louder and louder until the creature was outside of the tree. The Pichu charged up, and prepared for an attack.

“CRASH!”

White energy crackled through the air as a Pichu jumped out from behind the tree. The attack surprised me and I fell over. As the blue squirrel dove over my head, I shouted out to Lothario “Dodge! Use peck!” Lothario dove down and his beak blurred with speed as the attack was put into order.

The Pichu desperately tried to roll out of the way of the pecking Murkrow, and covered itself with sparks. The energy collected and swarmed around the bird’s body. With a squawk, the dark bird flew off.

Lothario looked a bit surprised but not too hurt. “Ok Lothario, use Wing Attack now!” My bird pokémon’s wings slowly started glowing a bright white, like the glare off of snow in the light.

“Murrrrrrrrrrrrrkrow!” Lothario rushed up to the Pichu.

“WHOOSH, POW!” the small Pokémon was batted up into the air and crashed through the window.

My parents ran into the room. “Andy, what was that noise? Why is the window broken?”

I ignored them.

I stared up at the broken window, shards falling and an icy draft coming in. I stood there for moment, threw my poké ball up into the air, and returned my Murkrow. The room was silent. The curtains danced in the cold wind, and merry scene that was seen this morning had a much harsher feeling to it. As I began to pick up the glass, I gazed out the window and into the arctic wind. The defenseless Pichu was now nowhere in sight.

The Pichu shivered as it tried to get back to its tree and get warm. The cold air seemed harsher than before. As she turned around to curl up, the wind seemed to glare at her right in the face, and her body was now even more overwhelmed with the frigid weather. Then she thought of her mother.

The kind Pichu’s face slowly flooded into her mind. Generous, welcoming, always making the best of things. Then she had died. Fallen protecting her. The Pichu would never forgive herself for that.
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~Traxx

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  #3  
Old 12-31-2010, 07:01 PM
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Default Re: The Present of a New Presence {WWC Story}

It was a warm night in spring, the grass swaying in a cool breeze. The stars shined above, and the moon was full. All of her siblings were asleep, and her mother was standing with her, watching the stars above. “Mama, who created the stars?” the Pichu eagerly asked.

“Arceus did my sweet, he created this whole world that we live in.”

“Wow….” The little squirrel gazed around the sky in amazement.

“Now off to bed honey, you need rest for tomorrow.” The little Pokémon obediently hopped up to her patch of grass and twigs. “Now good ni-“

“BOOM!”

“Stay here Honey, mama’s going to check what just happened.” The mother’s voice was stressed, not the normal relaxed tone.

“But Mama…”

“No buts. I have to go check what just happened.” The Pichu swiftly hopped away, and went outside on the branch again. “Papa! Papa are you alright?!” the little Pichu sensed the change in voice, and knew something was wrong. She silently hopped out from her ledge on the tree, and peered outside from behind the trunk. Her mother was huddled over Papa, shaking him, trying to get him to open his eyes. Finally, he did. “Papa! Oh my goodness you’re alright!” The mother’s relief was soon clouded over by fear. The father’s voice was choked. He was gasping out his last words.

"Run…take, take the children with you." The eyes closed again, and as the color in his fur faded, he died. The Pichu looked up at the sky. Tears flowed down her cheeks as the thought sank deeper and deeper that her father had died. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a dark figure standing at the top of the tree. The young Pichu swiveled her head, and saw the figure plummeting down towards her. She couldn’t move. At the last moment, she regained her senses.

“Mama! Help!” the mother suddenly spun around, and seeing her child in danger, sprung up the the tree branch. She knocked the little Pichu away, and engaged with the unknown enemy.

“Wake up all your siblings and run!” the mother barely managed to stammer this out before the two toppled over each other.

The Pichu frantically dashed around her tree, and woke up all of her siblings. As they escaped away from the tree, the Pichu turned around.

“Run! All of you, run!” The young squirrel stayed, overwhelmed by the situation. The mother screamed. “Run! Get awa-…” The mother’s reply was cut off short.

“Mama? Mama?!”

The creature now turned towards the young Pichu, its red, savage eyes glowing eerily in the now cold night. The terrified squirrel Pokémon sprinted away, leaving its mother behind. Lost. Gone. The last warmth of her mother’s warm body fading away.
The Pichu did not cry at the thought of it. She had not cried in years. She now was not sad, but was angry at herself for not doing anything to help her mother. She just ran. Ran away and that was it. As the rage slowly simmered down, all the Pichu wanted was a home. A home like Mama’s.


I walked slowly outside, and the snow crunched under my feet. All the Pichu wanted was a home. A place to stay, and be comforted for. “Pichu! Please come out, I have food!” I looked around carefully for the small squirrel Pokémon. Out of the branch of a tree, a blue white tail was sticking out. There it was. I carefully walked underneath the tree and called up at the branch. “Pichu, please come down, I have food for you too!” I stared up at the tree and hoped that it had heard me.

The small yellow mouse looked around in panic. There was nowhere to hide. The human was standing at the base of its tree. It remembered what had happened minutes before, and it yielded, and closed its eyes. It would not allow the boy to trick it.

I stood underneath the tree for a while. “Pichu, please come down, I want to ask you something. Here, have the food.” I tossed up a bright carrot, and watched in fascination as the small Pokémon caught it. “Now will you come down?” The Pokémon shook its head, and continued eating the carrot. I sighed, and walked back into the house. I closed the door behind me.

The Pichu stopped eating the carrot when the door closed. The same warm breeze that had swept towards it that same morning was now coming back again. The sun was leaving the sky, casting a bright orange and pink trail behind it. The day was ending. She looked around, and remembered how warm the house was. Then she remembered the boy. He had given her the carrot, but his Murkrow had throw her out the window. It was a risk she had to take.

There was a scratching sound at the door. I looked outside, and saw the Pichu, shivering and closing its eyes in the faint light that was still shining. I opened the door, and the small Pokémon came in

“Chu…Chu…” the squirrel Pokémon whispered its thanks. As it trudged in, I looked down at the frosted coat of soft fur.

“Hey…” the small Pokémon looked up at me expectantly.

“Chu?”

“Hey, I’m sorry about earlier today, you were just trying to get warm.” At the same time, I looked at the window which had been replaced later in the afternoon. “I bet you were really scared of me.”

“Chu…”

I watched the squirell Pokémon brush itself off. Slowly became warmer. It looked around the house with awe. I felt bad and looked down at the ground. I had everything, and it merely had a small patch of grass and twigs for its home.

“Hey Pichu….”

“Chu?”

“Do you want to be part of my Pokémon team?”

As the boy said this, the Pichu felt it’s tiny heart regenerating. It finally had a new home. A new place to live. The burden she had carried so long from her mother’s death seemed to be lifted as she was offered a new life.

“Chu!”

“Alright then Pichu, from now on you’ll be part of my team.”

Drops fell from the little Pokémon’s face, like amber glistening in the sunset. This time, the tears were not of sorrow, but of joy. It had found a new home.

I held out a poké ball in my hand and offered it to the Pichu.

It gladly jumped in.
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Last edited by Traxx; 01-01-2011 at 04:42 PM.
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  #4  
Old 04-07-2011, 11:25 AM
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Default Re: The Present of a New Presence {WWC Story}

Claiming this... should be done in three days. (Possibly sooner or later)
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Old 04-10-2011, 12:41 AM
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Default Re: The Present of a New Presence {WWC Story}

Introduction: Your introduction was nice in my opinion. You give us a nice description of the setting. From that we could tell the time of year this story takes place. I didn't immediately grasp my attention, but it was a good start. One thing I had a problem with was that you didn’t give me a visual of the boy, but I’ll get into that in the detail section.

Plot: Okay so this story was Christmas related which fit in nice with the time of year this was written. A cold, homeless Pichu seeks shelter to stay warm in the cold winter so it sneaks into a house. A boy and his family are having a traditional dinner when the boy sees something in his Christmas tree. He finds the little Pichu hiding underneath the tree and engages it in battle. The battle leads to Pichu being knocked out of a window into the cold evening. They talk a little and Pichu decides to trust him. During that time, t is traumatized by events that took apart the Pichu’s family which we see in flashbacks. These flashbacks show us what happens to the family as their home is destroyed. I’m guessing their tree home was cut down to serve as a Christmas tree, how sad.

Grammar: Your dialogue was good, didn’t have a problem there. I did see a couple of grammar errors that I’ll point out here.

The word Pokémon should be capitalized here:
Quote:
mouse like pokémon was huddled up into a ball.
As should Tailwind here:
Quote:
“Ok Lothario, use tailwind!”
but other than that you're good here


Detail: You didn’t have a lot of detail in the story, which isn’t good. However, in the places you did have it, it seemed to work well. You didn’t describe the boy’s appearance or the appearance of his parents so I had to imagine how they looked myself which is something you want to avoid. Having the reader put in his/her own visuals isn’t good for your story because it doesn’t let the reader see your story the way you see it. You can tell us anything from how he smells, to scars or marks on his body. Things that will help us see your character better. You did briefly describe the Pichu which is good. I think you are good at describing the area around them. Things to keep in mind when describing the setting to make it better is describing exactly how cold it feels or a particular smell in the area. Keep in mind the five senses as they can help you create a better, more visual setting. Here, for example, is what you should do more of:

Quote:
It had been a cold night. A blizzard had come, dropping six feet of snow on the ground. The morning was now warmer, and there were distant explosions as trees crippled under the weight of the snow that had fallen. The freshly fallen snow glistened, like millions of tiny diamonds glinting in the light.
Also, little details like this make the story good so try and do more of this :]

Quote:
Drops fell from the little Pokémon’s face, like amber glistening in the sunset. This time, the tears were not of sorrow, but of joy. It had found a new home.
Length:
Simple = 5-1ok
You + 1ok+ = Good


Reality: Didn’t see anything I had to question so you’re good here.


Battle: There wasn’t much of a battle here, so can’t say anything other than a battle would have been nice.


Outcome There was some things that might have prevented you from getting the Pichu, but taking into account that this is your first story… and the fact that it’s for a simple Pokémon… and to be in the spirit of the season (even though it passed lol), I’m going to have to say


Pichu –captured. I would advise taking into account what I said in the detail section ;]. Enjoy the electric mouse.

Any questions/comments/concerns feel free to PM me
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