Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Interactive Boards » Creative Writing

Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 12-15-2010, 01:17 AM
Velocity's Avatar
Velocity Offline
ASB Official
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Land of Night and Magic
Posts: 2,758
Default Heart of a Lugia [PG - PG 13 for violence] (We're Back!)

THIS IS THE LAST THREAD IT WILL EVER HAVE, I SWEAR.


This fanfiction has the occasional blood, gore, etc. Chapters that have enough gore and such will have a little warning. Any artistically needed swearing will be bleeped out and very sparse.


This is also sort of partly a little a lot journey-themed. If you have a problem with that, please go read another fanfiction.


This post is WIP.


This is not the HoaL you remember, those of you who have read it, and I hope that it's better than it was. It is written at a different angle but will still have similar plot, characters, etc.


Not accepting guest stars currently.





And now for the fanfiction itself.


... To be continued in next post~!
__________________
I laughed, I cried, I testified;
And in the end found this world altogether lacking.

Thanks, Speed and Dino and also Speed! :D

Last edited by Velocity; 06-16-2011 at 12:46 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-15-2010, 01:22 AM
Velocity's Avatar
Velocity Offline
ASB Official
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Land of Night and Magic
Posts: 2,758
Default Re: Heart of a Lugia [PG - PG 13 for violence]

~Heart of a Lugia~

Part One: Journeys Begin

Prologue

"What is it?" an adolescent Team Darkstar grunt asked, awestruck.

The 'it' in question was a Pokémon. A big Pokémon, roughly fifteen feet long. The creature was chained to the floor, in a cage, though chained was really the wrong word. Its wings, spiked tail, taloned feet, and long neck were held to the floor of the cage with heavy metal clasps. The cage itself was 'Poképroof', the inside layered with a force field that absorbed Pokémons’ moves and abilities.

The Pokémon was dirty and bloody. However, despite its squalid condition, the Pokémon was still... not really beautiful, but more like elegant. Its feathers, short and spiked on the tips, gleamed like a Salamence's scales in firelight. The long, wicked spikes on its back and tail were a rich blue that was tinged with indigo, as were its sharp talons and the crests it had on each eye. Its wings were structured like huge, square-fingered hands, and its head was fierce looking. Its beak was sharp, as were the fang-like protrusions on either side. Its grey eyes, coldly murderous, were fixed on a man leaning against the cage who calmly smoked a cigarette, hood covering his face.

"A Lugia, moron," the man growled in a smoke-damaged voice. "Just look in your Dex.”

Ordinarily, the grunt would've had something very unkind to say, possibly with a blow thrown in, but he was distracted by the Lugia's unsettling gaze, which was now fixed coldly on him. And the man leaning against the cage was an admin. So instead he just resolved to beat up his Zigzagoon later and pulled out a sleek black Pokédex that was emblazoned with a pair of maroon scimitars crossed over a crescent moon.

He flipped the Dex open with a thumb and scrolled to the Ls. Lapras, Linoone, Ludicolo…

"Lugia: the Deep Sea Pokémon. It is said that one flap of its powerful wings can cause a 40-day storm. It has Psychic abilities that rival that of many other Pokémon."

The grunt swallowed and looked at the Lugia again; it was still eying him with a cold, detached, yet hateful air, but it also seemed, for an instant…smug? Good thing it's chained up…

"Not a bad Pokémon," the grunt managed. "Powerful, for sure."

The admin laughed, sending smoke puffing out from thin, pale lips. "Lyz knows all about power. Why do you think we were ordered to get it?"

The grunt had a question. "How did you and Squad Alpha even manage to catch it?"

The admin dropped the cigarette, now reduced to a smoldering stump, to the floor. "The Tank Sub, electric nets. And a rocket launcher."

The grunt's eyes practically popped out of his head. "A rocket launcher. And Jazz won't even give me a good Pokémon."

The admin barked out a cough that sounded almost like a forlorn attempt at laughter, forcing smoke out of his abused lungs. "It's because I'm an admin, and you're just a grunt."

Now very close to punching the admin in the face, which would get him in serious trouble, the grunt muttered to excuse himself, "Well, I gotta go. Stuff to do."

"Pfft. You just want to get away from the birdie."

"N--okay, fine, I do!" the grunt admitted, temper breaking. "And? You can't blame me!"

The admin laughed in earnest, throwing back his head. His hood fell, revealing a face like an evil jester's with long, greasy black hair and a fine scar down his jaw. "No, kid, I don't blame you a d*** bit, not a d*** bit, at all." He stomped out the cigarette, still chuckling. "But you probably won't see it after tonight, so you won't have to worry your stupid head. Lyz is taking control of it herself, and when she does, nothin' but nothin's gonna stop our lovely Team Darkstar…"

***

Comments/critiques? More story soon~!
__________________
I laughed, I cried, I testified;
And in the end found this world altogether lacking.

Thanks, Speed and Dino and also Speed! :D

Last edited by Velocity; 12-17-2010 at 01:15 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-15-2010, 01:34 AM
Velocity's Avatar
Velocity Offline
ASB Official
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Land of Night and Magic
Posts: 2,758
Default Re: Heart of a Lugia [PG - PG 13 for violence]

That is Posu (Male on the left, female on the right) and this is Spiledon. (THERE I MOVED THEM XANTHE)

~~~~~~




Chapter One: Official Trainers

Uninstall, uninstall, kono hoshi no musuu no chiri no…

I blinked my bleary eyes awake as my Pokégear rang, playing the chorus of Bokurano to anyone nearby whether they wanted to hear the song or not. Briefly I wondered whether or not to answer it, then picked it up, pressing the green button and holding the thing up to my ear – no video chat today.

“Hey, Blake,” said I. “What’s up?”

“The ceiling,” Blake bubbled, voice dripping with excitement. The Pokégear beeped at me, and when I looked at the darkened screen the words Switch to video chat? blinked at me in blue letters.

I sighed, but acquiesced, pushing the little button with the camera on it. Instantly Blake’s spiky-golden-haired, aviator-goggled, and most unquestionably eager face filled the screen.

“Hi, Chris!” he said, smiling widely. His room, a bright orange color, looked as perky as he did – though that fact was kind of upset by his black skull-and-crossbones T-shirt.

“Blake, what are you doing calling at this unholy hour of the morning?” I demanded.

Blake blinked. “It’s only, like, seven thirty.”

And?” I met his gaze with a raised eyebrow. “You know me not to be a morning person.”

“Right,” Blake looked suitably embarrassed. “Sorry.”

I propped my Pokégear against the blankets, yawning a little. “S’all right,” I said with my mouth gaping. “Why’d you call?”

Blake shrugged. “Dunno. I was bored, I guess.”

You guess? You guess you’re bored. Hm.”

Blake smiled a little, taking the joke with practiced ease – joke-taking is a good skill to build up when around yours truly. “I was wondering if you wanted to meet up at the Thicket, to hang out.”

“At seven thirty? A.M?” I still couldn’t believe it.

Blake shrugged, hands in his pockets. “It’s seven forty-two now,” he said rather meekly.
I rolled my eyes. “All right, fine,” I said, rather exaggeratedly. “I’ll come. Just give me a minute to get dressed.”


As soon as I was out of my PJs and into my cargo shorts-black-and-white-Tee combo, I headed off, Pokétch situated nicely on my wrist and Pokégear in my pocket. I pushed the speed dial 4 without even looking and soon heard Uninstall playing again – 4 is my speed dial number for myself. That stupid song was, I swear, the best song ever made. It seemed eerie, kind of haunting, and yet with an absolute melodic and technical beauty that made it a masterpiece. And the lyrics, when translated, made out a piece that seemed oddly to apply to me, though not yet, somehow…

I’m a strange one, ain’t I?

Anywho, I walked through the woods, parting a few branches here and there so’s I could get to the meeting-place. The woods near Prishine, my hometown, are a good place, with evenly spaced trees and green underbrush. Me and Blake met their often, to discuss the most important issues 13-year-olds in the Eos region faced, namely the radio, parents, and Pokémon.

I followed our little path, a thin trail of tamped-down earth that me and Blake had been making since we were little kids. The Thicket, a little clearing with a fallen tree in it that had landed at a slant that made a perfect place for sitting, had been discovered by me when I was three; I’d been following a Posu.

At any rate, I soon arrived at the Thicket. Blake was waiting for me, and the gentleman had even saved me the fallen tree to sit on – he was seated on the stump.

I swung myself up onto the ancient trunk. “All right, Blake, what’s this about?”

Blake grinned. “Guess.”

“No,” I replied. “You drag me here before eight o clock in the morning, you tell me why. Simple as that.”

Blake huffed. “I didn’t ‘drag’ you anywhere. Please guess?”

“Okay,” I sighed. “Hmm… your mom ran off with the circus?”

“Try again.”

“You discovered a new kind of bean.”

“What? No, keep guessing.”

“Hmm… oh, you grew a third arm!”

“No,” Blake’s nose wrinkled. “You’d notice that right off the bat, anyway.”

“True,” I rolled my eyes. “Just tell me, please. I’ll be your best friend!”

“Don’t threaten me,” Blake sneered. I stuck my tongue out, and he stuck his out straight back – how mature we Prishine kids are. “But all right. You know how my dad’s a Gym Trainer?”

“Yeah.” I raised an eyebrow. He doesn’t let me forget… “Why?”

“Well,” said Blake, scrabbling through his pockets, “he sent me… this!” he whipped out a piece of paper that suspiciously resembled a Pokémart receipt. “And… this!” he pulled out a minimized Pokéball with his other hand.

I raised an eyebrow. “Um. And?” I pointed at the Pokéball. “You do know that there has to be a Pokémon in those things for them to work. Right?”

“Yep,” Blake was bubbling with excitement. “And guess what? There is.”

“In there?” I wanted clarification.

“In here!”

“In that Pokéball?”

“In this Pokéball!”

“The one I’m pointing at, right now?”

“Yes, the one you’re – oh, for Arceus’ sake, Chris, aren’t you going to ask what’s in this Pokéball you’re pointing at, right now?”

“I have a better idea,” I told him, unwilling to reveal that I was dying to know what was in that Pokéball I had pointed at, right then. “I’ll guess. I guess… Magikarp.”
“So close,” Blake snickered, “but no. It’s a Ponyta. Want to see it?”

“Yeah!” I said. “I kinda do!”

“All right,” Blake said. He picked up the Pokéball and tossed it into the air. The red-and-white sphere hit the grass with a gentle thud, then opened. Red light fizzed out of it, then turned into an arcing beam that changed rapidly into a solid, living form.

The fade of the red light left me gaping. The Ponyta was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen. Its coat was short, pale beige in color. Its hooves looked like polished stones, it eyes were like pools of brown paint. And its mane and tail… words did the Pokémon no justice, but it just stood there simply, seeming unaware of its own majesty.

“Wow.” Said I.

“Yeah, wow,” Blake smiled. “Hey, Ponyta!” the fire-type just gave him a searing glance before nibbling delicately on some grass.

“Eheheh,” Blake said. “I guess I just don’t have her respect yet.”

“How do you know she’s a she?” I asked.

“My dad told me,” Blake explained. “He says that there’s some sort of difference in the size of their flames. Or something.”

“Wow, you really know what you’re talking about,” I chuckled with my eyes still on the Ponyta.

“Hey!” Blake said. “I’m not even a real Trainer yet, so don’t be rude!”

“Yet?” I asked.

“Oh, yeah!” Blake said. “My dad also sent me a voucher for a Trainer’s start-up kit: Trainer Card, Pokéball and Potions, Pokédex… the works.”

“You mean… you’re going on a Pokémon journey?” my heart dropped into my flip-flops.

“Yep!” said Blake, smiling wide, “and it’s going to be awesome because – aw, dang!”

I jumped at Blake’s sudden exclamation, which made even Ponyta look up from her grazing.

“What?” I asked. “What’s the matter?”

“N-nothing!” Blake suddenly looked defensive. “Listen, I-I have to go! I’ll catch you later, okay?”

“What?” I asked, but Blake had already returned the Ponyta and was dashing away like there was no tomorrow.


When I got home, my mom was in the kitchen flipping pancakes, cooked with blueberries – the way I like them. She smiled at me as I walked in the door.

“Hi, hon,” she said, pushing her long brown hair back. “You left?”

“I just went to the Thicket with Blake,” I explained, my stomach going nuts as my nose took in breakfast fumes. “He wanted to show me something.” Depression returned as I remembered that my only friend in Prishine was going to be leaving soon on a Pokémon journey while I stayed in this boring ol’ town.

“What was that?” asked my mom, expertly slapping the flapjacks’ doughy sides down on the griddle.

“He wanted to show me his new Ponyta. His dad sent him the Pokémon and a voucher for a start-up kit. He’s leaving.” I refused to let my voice choke.

My mom must’ve noticed the sad on my face, because her eyes – the color of storm clouds, just like mine – gleamed with sympathy. “Oh, dear,” she sighed, but she seemed… irked, somehow. “Here. Why don’t you take charge of breakfast, and I’ll wake your father. Then we can talk.”

Much as I didn’t want my parents giving me a pity-induced lecture about friends leaving, I said, “Okay, Mom,” and took the flipper.

She smiled. “I’ll be right back.” She gave me a little motherly kiss on the cheek – thanks, Mom, but I’m fourteen – and trooped on up the stairs. I watched the pancakes intently, hopeful that this bombshell at least meant my parents wouldn’t make me do my work for home school.

My mom returned with my dad after a few minutes, during which I’d already set the table with napkins, forks, knives, plates, and maple syrup. The platter of pancakes rested in the middle.

My dad smiled at me. “Morning, sweetie,” he said, ruffling the honey-colored hair that I’d gotten from him.

“Lay off,” I protested without any real anger behind my words. “You guys are smothering me!”

My dad sat down. “Sorry,” he said, “can’t help it what with you –.” My mom shot him a lightning-fast glance that I almost missed. “growing up,” he finished awkwardly.

“Um, okay,” I slid down into my chair, grabbing a couple pancakes with a pair of tongs.

My mom sat as well. “Well, since you’re so eager,” she told my dad, still smiling, “you can tell her now, I guess – though it was going to be a surprise.”

“Tell me what?” I asked. Call it a stupid question if you will, but I’ll ignore you. I was positively dying to know – a recurring theme for that day, apparently.

“Well,” said my dad, “your mom and I have been talking, and we decided that you’re mature enough to go on your own Pokémon journey with Blake, like you’ve always wanted to.”

My jaw dropped. “What.”

My dad proceeded to continue grinning. “Yep. I’m afraid I can’t keep the secret any longer; we were going to surprise you when Blake left. We had this all planned with his father, you see.”

A few thousand emotions started screaming in my head, and I had a bizarre vision of a zillion lawyers running around waving papers at each other and yelling at the top of their lungs. “Are you… serious?” I choked after a few seconds.

“Of course we are!” my mom hugged me. We’ve got your Pokéball and dex voucher – the whole Trainer starting kit. We weren’t able to find any starters from Professor Alder, I’m afraid, but I’m sure you, Blake, and his Ponyta will manage to catch something for you.”
She pulled a sheet of paper, identical to the one Blake had had, and I took the voucher reverently, knowing that this was my ticket to action, adventure, and freedom.

“When… when should we… leave?” I breathed.

“That’s between you and Blake,” my dad said thoughtfully. He had decided, apparently, that food had now reached ‘tactful’ status and took a couple pancakes, cutting them slowly. “But I’d suggest within a week. I know I was excited to go on my journey.”

I remembered the story of my dad’s journey well; he’d set off with a Spiledon, beaten the first few Eos gyms, and then decided it wasn’t worth leaving home for the trouble and returned, releasing all his Pokémon.

I nodded, excitement replacing my shock in a massive wave. “Awesome. Thanks, Mom, Dad… I love you guys!

*******

Continued next post...
__________________
I laughed, I cried, I testified;
And in the end found this world altogether lacking.

Thanks, Speed and Dino and also Speed! :D

Last edited by Velocity; 12-17-2010 at 01:12 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-15-2010, 01:41 AM
Velocity's Avatar
Velocity Offline
ASB Official
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Land of Night and Magic
Posts: 2,758
Default Re: Heart of a Lugia [PG - PG 13 for violence]

If I wanted to bore you I’d simply recount my goodbyes with my parents, Professor Alder, and everyone I’d ever known. If I wanted to bore you I could go over the details of turning in mine and Blake’s vouchers, pore over our poring over the dex skin and Trainer Card choices. But I’m a little more fun than that, so I’ll suffice it to say that in four days we were on the trail, sporting stylish satchels, awesomely outfitted dexes and shiny-shiny Trainer Cards (I had an aurora-space type print while Blake had a flames print) with Blake’s Ponyta walking beside us.

Four days after my surprise the first out-of-the-cliché thing happened on our trip.
We encountered a wild Pichu.

We were walking down the route, lush green woods on either side, laughing like ninnies – Blake had just told a really stupid, pointless, and hilarious fart joke – when I saw it.
It was just a little ball of yellow fuzz in a tree, watching the progress of the people with intelligent bronze eyes. Its diamond-shaped ears, the left of which bearing a slight nick, were lifted curiously, and its little nose twitched as well.

I stared at it for a few seconds, and it scampered into the leaves.

“And then,” Blake laughed, “I haven’t gotten to the best part because then…” he looked up at me in surprise. “Chris?” he asked. “What’s up with you? You look like a Shikijika in the headlights.”

“What?” I flinched, then whirled. Blake was eyeing me oddly, Ponyta helping him with this particular job.

“I said, you look like a Shikijika in the headlights,” Blake repeated. “What’s on your mind?”

“Oh, nothing. I just saw a – Blake, would you cut that out?”

Blake was lifting his gloved hands protectively over the side of his head, making my gaze and Ponyta’s turn on him. As I paid attention I began to see little black dots bouncing off his palms at high speed.

“It’s not my fault,” Blake said, moving his hands away as soon as the barrage stopped, “it’s - .”

The Pichu was back, clinging to the very tip of a branch with all fours. It bobbed madly in the breeze, its little pink tongue stuck out.

“Did that Pichu just give us a razz berry?” asked Blake. A sudden thought was taking hold in my brain. “Blake.”

“Yeah, Chris?”

“Let me borrow Ponyta for a second.”

“Hm?”

“I said, let me borrow Ponyta for a second.”

At this point Ponyta strode up herself, looking a tad miffed at the concept of being ‘borrowed’. She tossed her beautiful, silky head and looked at the Pichu.

It spat a few seeds at her, nailing her in the center of her forehead with the same dots that had hit Blake.

Ponyta’s nostrils flared, little embers sputtering in the depths. She neighed furiously up at the Pichu – “Ta! Pony-ta!” – and the little yellow hairball snickered.

“Please?” I said. “I want to catch it.”

Blake looked at me like I had turned into a Snorlax. “I could just catch it.”

“But what would be the fun in that?” I demanded. “Come on. If it’s possible, I want to catch my first Pokémon myself.”

Ponyta had strode up; she was nodding. It was plain to see that she wanted revenge. The Pichu was watching with great interest, laying on the branch on its stomach with its head held between its stublike little paws.

Blake sighed. “All right,” he said. “Just make sure you win.”

I nodded. “Roger dodger.”

The Pichu seemed to have understood the conversation; at any rate it jumped off its branch and stood ready on the ground, small vestiges of electricity crackling in its pink cheeks.

I scanned Ponyta and Pichu with my Dex really quick. Ponyta knew Ember, Growl, Stomp, Quick Attack, and Nitro Charge. Pichu knew Thunder Wave, Thundershock, Quick Attack, Nasty Plot, and Double Team – a good Pokémon, with plenty of moves I needed to watch out for.

“All right, Ponyta!” I called, trying to sound confident despite being in my first ever Pokémon battle. “Let’s start off well with Nitro Charge!”

Ponyta neighed and started dashing forward. As she ran, she gained speed, and her flames flared up until they were whipping around her like a forest on fire. Pichu tried to leap away, just barely dodging the blow itself. However, the little sooty mark on its paw told me Ponyta’s flames had singed it. And at any rate, the attack hadn’t been in vain. Ponyta was close up to Pichu now, and was looking faster, like Nitro Charge should’ve done.

“Good!” I called. “Now use Stomp!”

Ponyta lifted a slate-colored hoof, ready to strike. The foot began to glow white, and when she brought it down with all her might, it made a very good-looking crater on the grass.
The Pichu had disappeared.

Me and Ponyta both looked up, doubtlessly both feeling quite stupid, to see Pichu dashing forward with light trails streaming from all four paws. It had likely Quick Attacked away and then looped back. At any rate, it was coming at Ponyta, which I had a minor problem with.

“Ponyta! Dodge!”

Ponyta leaped to the left right as Pichu was bearing down, her hoof-flames leaving trails like sparklers. Pichu seemed to be helpless, going right past her…

But then it suddenly dug its paws into the ground and threw its whole body, Quick Attack energy and all, to the left. It smashed back-first into Ponyta’s flank. I gaped.

“Wow!” Blake cried. “That was an awesome trick!”

Ponyta half skidded, half staggered, to the left, looking dazed. Pichu seized its chance and jumped onto Ponyta’s back, just annoyingly out of the flames’ reach. It was grinning like a maniac, its cheeks really crackling now.

“Ponyta!” I cried, not knowing what to do. “Um, um… throw it against a tree!”

Ponyta nodded, seeming far more coherent now. She galloped toward a tree and dashed her left side against it with all her might. Pichu, however, was too smart for that. It leaped off before anything could happen to it and watched Ponyta smash herself into bark.

I gritted my teeth, wincing as Ponyta cried out, “Ponyyyy!” I wished there was something I could do to help her, to ease her pain, or at least suffer it with her. I felt awful making her go to all that just for me.

Pichu was coming back in for another attack as Ponyta flopped around, barely standing. The mouse Pokémon’s paws had gained light trails again, and I knew Ponyta couldn’t stand another hit – and the attack was going to knock her into a tree!

“Ponyta!” I called. “Use Ember! You have to stop it!”

Ponyta turned blearily, facing the oncoming Pichu fearfully. Her mouth opened slightly, the glow of flame forming. Little miniature fireballs shot out of her mouth like paintball pellets from a machine gun. The fire hit Pichu with dead-on accuracy, slowing it severely within seconds. There was a slight pause, when Ponyta was on the last dregs of the attack and Pichu wasn’t even moving, just flailing its paws. Then, suddenly, the Pichu’s energy seemed to break and it flew backward, skidding on the dirt path. It lay on its face where it halted, smoke and dust curling from the short yellow coat.

I swallowed nervously, pulling a Pokéball from the pocket in my bag. I pushed the button in the center, expanding it to fill my palm. I glanced at the red-and-white sphere, fingering the smooth plastic, then tossed it at the fallen Pokémon.

It tapped against the big head, bounced neatly into the air, and snapped open. A red beam of light erupted from the sphere and engulfed the Pichu, dematerializing it and then swallowing it into the ball, which snapped shut once the beam had receded. The Pokéball fell to the ground, landing with a puff of dust on the path.

I held my breath, watching the multicolored orb expectantly. Ponyta ambled over and nudged it with curiosity. The Pokéball shifted slightly backwards but stayed shut.

“Come on,” I heard Blake mutter; I could tell he was as excited as I was.

Suddenly the thing wobbled violently to the right, causing Ponyta to scamper to the away indignantly.

I took a breath, the tension seeming to throttle me.

The Pokéball halfheartedly took a spill to the back, then suddenly bounced a good three inches into the air.

I stared, unable to believe it was staying closed.

Ping~!

I stared dumbly at the Pokéball for a few seconds, till Blake suddenly whooped wildly. “Chris! Chris, you… Ya caught it!!”

I stared for another instant, then grinned, rushing towards the Pokéball and picking it up. It felt almost alive now, housing energy, a live, conscious being that would now and hopefully forever be my companion, my friend, my partner. My first Pokémon.

“Congrats, Chris!” Blake was beaming, ruffling Ponyta’s head proudly, “and great battling on your part, Ponyta!”

I nodded in fervent agreement. “Yeah, Ponyta, thanks!” said I. “I couldn’t have done it without your help.”

“Pony, Ponyta,” said Ponyta, smiling rather smugly.

“You know what this means, right Blake?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.

“Wut.”

“We get to have a battle once we get Pichu fixed up!”

Blake laughed. “It won’t be a fair match, though,” he pointed out. “We already know who’ll win, ‘cos she already did.”

I shook my head and waggled my finger. “Nuh-uh, not necessarily. After all, Pichu might do better with someone giving commands.”

Suddenly the Pokéball in my hand vibrated a bit. It snapped open, the beam shooting out. Pichu materialized on the path, standing there calmly, barely even singed. It cocked its head and looked up at me.

“Hi, Pichu!” I smiled warmly at it, bending down. “Are you okay with me being your new Trainer?”

“Pi…” it considered, looking at my shoulder. Suddenly it hopped up; I was surprised at the relative lightness of it. I managed to straighten without it falling off – hopefully that was good.

“Pi! Pichu, Pi’chu, pi pi-chu!” out of the corner of my eye, I saw it grin, and I smiled too. Now my Pokémon journey had really begun!

******

Well, that's it for today! This writer is going to bed! ;)
__________________
I laughed, I cried, I testified;
And in the end found this world altogether lacking.

Thanks, Speed and Dino and also Speed! :D
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-16-2010, 12:49 PM
Graceful_Suicune's Avatar
Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Ashley's pants
Posts: 4,886
Send a message via AIM to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Yahoo to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Skype™ to Graceful_Suicune
Default Re: Heart of a Lugia [PG - PG 13 for violence]

From the prologue:

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
A big Pokémon, roughly 15 feet long.
In stories, Aeon, you're supposed to write numbers out in their word form. o: Also, the sentence is a little disjointed because of the comma. Instead, try joining it up by saying something like,

A big Pokemon of roughly fifteen feet.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
The cage itself was 'Poképroof', the inside layered with a force field that absorbed Pokémons’ moves and abilities. The Pokémon was dirty and bloody.
Yay, that's like the cages in TtEoaF! 8D
It should be Pokemon's, because the apostrophe should only be on the outside if the plural was "pokemons", which, clearly, it's not. It'd be like saying mices and geeses.
Also, the last little bit doesn't seem to fit there. I think you should mention its dirtiness and stuff before, or after, during the time when you're describing him. Also, it seems like you describe him twice--once in the beginning and the second time is in the paragraph after that, I think. The first one's only brief, however, and more like pointing out features.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
However, despite its sodden condition, the Pokémon was still…not beautiful, more like elegant.
Saying "more like" really seems like a first person thing to say, so I would stick with "but" not even have the ellipsis and the "not beautiful" because both of which are more first-person things too. I would say,

However, despite its sodden condition, the Pokemon was still somewhat (or some other word) elegant.

Also...doesn't "sodden" mean drunk? xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
So instead he just resolved to beat up his Zigzagoon later and pulled out a sleek black Pokédex that was emblazoned with a pair of maroon scimitars crossed over a crescent moon.
:( Poor zigzagoon! They always take the cake for being abused. D: *points to one of my one-shots*

But he would really go that far as to beat up his zigzagoon for no reason? D:

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
He flipped the Dex open with a thumb and scrolled to the L's. Lapras, Linoone, Ludicolo…
Don't need that apostrophe. o:

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
"It's because I'm an admin, and you're just a stupid grunt."
I think without the 'stupid' it would sound better, and more indirect, I reckon. And it's still very condescending. =)

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
"N-Okay, fine I do!"
Comma after 'fine'. Also, I think the hyphen after the N should be a double hyphen, because otherwise it looks like he's stuttering while saying the word. And the O doesn't need to be a capital. x)

I'll come back in the morning (my morning, anyway xD) to review the rest, so thus far I've only reviewed the prologue. x) I started reading chapter one, and I really wanna read more, but I'll save it for tomorrow. ^^ I really like how you start off with this prologue, and what I've read of chapter one is really good too.

I'm really interesting to see how this will be different from previous versions of your story, and I can already see major ones (like the trainers, and no M...M...Marty! (I hope that's his name. xD)). It's a wonder why they wanted to catch Lucent (if that's still his name xD), and I'm wondering if that lovable poochyena will come in soon, if at all. o:

It's great how you've set it up so far: the mystery of the captures lugia at the start is an excellent place to begin, and at the same time we're introduced to the villains--great job. Then the heroes come in, and honestly I wasn't expecting it to be in first person. ^^ I still think you should move those pictures, because it's kind of unprofessional to have them there, and it's good to get your readers imagining and going, "Wow, a fakemon!" first before finding out what they look like. I think you should put them at the end (or beginning) of the chapters, out of any in-text writing.

Anyway, I'll come back to review more as soon as I can, and sorry I've taken so long! +_+ But yeah. :3 Good luck to ya. ^^

~GS.
__________________
Everyone who's still stuck here, Pe2k is Dead. It's sad, but it happened. Instead, we moved to...

Pokemon Crossroads!
Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.

Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 12-16-2010 at 12:51 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 12-16-2010, 10:36 PM
Velocity's Avatar
Velocity Offline
ASB Official
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Land of Night and Magic
Posts: 2,758
Default Re: Heart of a Lugia [PG - PG 13 for violence]

COMMENTCOMMENTCOMMENTCOMMENT.

And, honestly, Xanthe, you insult me. How could I leave out MARTET??? I would NEVER~! And Lucent's still the same Lucent. It's mostly just Chrissie's point of veiw that's taking major edits.

Quote:
Yay, that's like the cages in TtEoaF! 8D
Glad to see you don't mind me stealing borrowing your idea. XP

As for sodden, I think id just means dirty and wet o3e

And all stuff is taken into account, I assure you. I will fix it when I'm less lazy.

EDIT: Fixed up~!
__________________
I laughed, I cried, I testified;
And in the end found this world altogether lacking.

Thanks, Speed and Dino and also Speed! :D

Last edited by Velocity; 12-17-2010 at 01:16 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 12-19-2010, 12:11 AM
Graceful_Suicune's Avatar
Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Ashley's pants
Posts: 4,886
Send a message via AIM to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Yahoo to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Skype™ to Graceful_Suicune
Default Re: Heart of a Lugia [PG - PG 13 for violence]

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
COMMENTCOMMENTCOMMENTCOMMENT.

And, honestly, Xanthe, you insult me. How could I leave out MARTET??? I would NEVER~! And Lucent's still the same Lucent. It's mostly just Chrissie's point of veiw that's taking major edits.

Glad to see you don't mind me stealing borrowing your idea. XP

As for sodden, I think id just means dirty and wet o3e

And all stuff is taken into account, I assure you. I will fix it when I'm less lazy.

EDIT: Fixed up~!
ANOTHERCOMMENTANOTHERCOMMENT *sound alarm*

xD Sorry! Oh, Martet, that's the one. xD Okay, good! I hoped you wouldn't. Okay, awesome. :3 Oh, I see. o: I think it's really interesting you've added her and Blake. :D

xDDDDD Of course I don't. ^^ Plus, I'm pretty sure it's been in other people's stories. xD I didn't take it from anyone's, but I imagine it's been done before. x)

Okay. xDD *looks up* Oh, true! And drunk. xD Well, as a different meaning.

Awesome. ^^ Here's the chapter one review! >:D

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
That is Posu (Male on the left, female on the right) and this is Spiledon. (THERE I MOVED THEM XANTHE)
xDDD Thank you. That's better. ^^

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“Hey, Blake,” said I. “What’s up?”
xDD "said I". I think, judging by the following conversation, react differently--like, be more demanding or annoyed that he called this early. I know I would. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
The Pokégear beeped at me, and when I looked at the darkened screen the words Switch to video chat? blinked at me in blue letters.
You should put what the pokegear said in italics, or with quotation marks around them. o:

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
I propped my Pokégear against the blankets, yawning a little. “S’all right,” I said with my mouth gaping. “Why’d you call?”
The apostrophe should be before the S, since it's substituting the I.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“The one I’m pointing at, right now?”
I don't think that comma needs to be there...as well as every other time they say that. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“I have a better idea,” I told him, unwilling to reveal that I was dying to know what was in that Pokéball I had pointed at, right then. “I’ll guess. I guess… Magikarp.”
“So close,” Blake snickered, “but no. It’s a Ponyta. Want to see it?”
xDDDDD Magikarp. You forgot to double space their speech. ^^ Or, you missed it. xD Also, 'poke ball' is two separate words. ^^

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
Its coat was short, pale beige in color. Its hooves looked like polished stones, it eyes were like pools of brown paint. And its mane and tail… words did the Pokémon no justice, but it just stood there simply, seeming unaware of its own majesty.
Those two sentences both have two parts to them, but they don't join up properly because of the lack in joining words. You could turn the commas into semicolons; that would work. Also, you said 'it' when it should be 'its' before 'eyes'.
And since you're starting a new sentence after the ellipsis, the 'w' in 'words' needs to be a capital. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“Wow.” Said I.
Since you're continuing the sentence by having 'said' after it, the s should be lowercase, and the person after 'Wow' should be a comma. c:

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“Hey, Ponyta!” the fire-type just gave him a searing glance before nibbling delicately on some grass.
The t in 'the' should be a capital because it's a new sentence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“My dad told me,” Blake explained. “He says that there’s some sort of difference in the size of their flames. Or something.”
xDDD Is that all? *shot*

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
She gave me a little motherly kiss on the cheek – thanks, Mom, but I’m fourteen – and trooped on up the stairs.
I thought they were thirteen, as stated previous to this. o:

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
My dad sat down. “Sorry,” he said, “can’t help it what with you –.” My mom shot him a lightning-fast glance that I almost missed. “growing up,” he finished awkwardly.
Confusing grammar in this sentence. xD Because you have 'what' in the dad's speech, I can't help thinking that you need commas around it. Also, if there's a hyphen at the end of his speech, there doesn't need to be a period. You should also have a hyphen before 'growing', and...hmm...this grammar IS confusing. Dx Try this:
Quote:
My dad sat down. “Sorry,” he said, “can’t help it what with you…” – My mom shot him a lightning-fast glance that I almost missed – “…growing up,” he finished awkwardly.
Does that work? xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“Um, okay,” I slid down into my chair, grabbing a couple pancakes with a pair of tongs.
The comma after 'okay' should be a period, considering that what follows the speech is a new sentence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
A few thousand emotions started screaming in my head, and I had a bizarre vision of a zillion lawyers running around waving papers at each other and yelling at the top of their lungs.
XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD Best image ever. xDD

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
Four days after my surprise the first out-of-the-cliché thing happened on our trip.
We encountered a wild Pichu.
Watch out for when you don't double space. o: I think it would be better not connected.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“It’s not my fault,” Blake said, moving his hands away as soon as the barrage stopped, “it’s - .”
No period after the hyphen. o: Also, when I first read that he was blocking "little black dots" that jumped, I thought they were fleas! xDDDD

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“Did that Pichu just give us a razz berry?”
xDDD That's genius!

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
Blake looked at me like I had turned into a Snorlax.
xDDDDD That's so random!

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“You know what this means, right Blake?”
Comma after 'right'.

Cool! I'm glad I finally got around to finishing reading! xD I'm really impressed so far; your grammar is fairly accurate, your metaphors and similes are really creative, and the images you create are vivid and clear. ^^ The idea of a fourteen year old going on a journey is strange for me, since I KNOW I wouldn't have been ready for that at that age. But they're different anyway. xD And it's far better than it being a ten year old!

It's really good, just to start off. I'm loving the description and the dialogue is brilliant. I think the way you've charaterised your characters so far is really good, and I'm loving Pichu's personality so far. xDD I also think the way you've set everything up so far is awesome; the idea of the Thicket was cool, and I like that it trailed back so far into Chris and Blake's pasts. It's also good to see them going together rather than, for instance, Chris going alone. o:

I think the battle between Ponyta and Pichu was creative, and I love how Pichu made use of things like agility, since his/her defence isn't her/his strength. I also like how he/she is really quite a smart pokemon and put up a good fight despite not having a trainer. Often you'll see that pokemon struggle and are quite hopeless without trainers, but quite frankly I think that's silly. The way you've portrayed wild pokemon so far is really cool, though.

The fact that her dad went on a journey and returned is new, and quite interesting too. I personally wouldn't be able to release my pokemon back into the wild, and it's kinda sad that he did, but oh well. xDD And, haha, pancakes. xD

Blake also seems really cool so far. ^^ I love how Chris and Blake communicate--when Chris was guessing what Blake had to tell her, I couldn't stop laughing! A new bean? xDDD A third arm? xDDD His mother ran off with the circus?! xDDDDDDDD It's hilarious!

I'm also super-curious about how this links in with Team Darkstar and Lucent & co. o: It'll be really interesting to see how that all works out, and I'm really looking forward to where this will go! Make sure you put up another chapter soon. ;D

~GS.
__________________
Everyone who's still stuck here, Pe2k is Dead. It's sad, but it happened. Instead, we moved to...

Pokemon Crossroads!
Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 12-19-2010, 12:51 AM
Velocity's Avatar
Velocity Offline
ASB Official
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Land of Night and Magic
Posts: 2,758
Default Re: Heart of a Lugia [PG - PG 13 for violence]

WOW I HATE GRAMMER.

-Yes, the mistake was on purpose-

I thanks you SOSOSOSOSOMUCH for the gracious comments~! It means a lot to me to see that a friend who is a really good writer likes something I wrote so much. After Chapter Two (MARTETMARTETMARTETFANGIRLMARTETWOO) is up and Chapter Three is finished (and I really need to think of something to happen in it) I will correct all my mistakes.

I will! And just so you know, I try to make HoaL humorous whenever possible! That's what I like about Chrissie (to toot my own horn) that she can always come up with a snappy comment or goofy thought. X3
__________________
I laughed, I cried, I testified;
And in the end found this world altogether lacking.

Thanks, Speed and Dino and also Speed! :D
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 12-19-2010, 07:47 PM
Velocity's Avatar
Velocity Offline
ASB Official
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Land of Night and Magic
Posts: 2,758
Default Re: Heart of a Lugia [PG - PG 13 for violence]

Chapter Two: Prisonbreak

As soon as the Darkstars had left the moldy, barely-lit room, the Lugia started straining. It shoved upward with all its strength against the cuffs that bound it, its muscles working harder than it’d ever made them work, even though they were shrieking in pain from its recent exertion of… Arceus knew how long it’d been since that. It stayed like this for over a minute, until it finally went limp from exhaustion. Its whole body ached now, especially its left shoulder.

“Hey!” a snuffly, high-pitched voice called from nearby. The Lugia turned its head the best it could, to see a young Poochyena sitting in a tiny cage.

Ordinarily, the Lugia would’ve used telepathy to talk to the other Pokémon, but a bizarre force in the cage kept its mind to its skull. “What?” the Lugia asked aloud in a masculine voice.

The Poochyena’s eyes gleamed. His tone excited and his face eager, he asked, “Are you really a Lugia like the Darkstar said?”

“No, I’m a Wailord,” the Lugia snapped temperamentally. “What do you think?”

The Poochyena cringed. “Sorry,” he mumbled, “but I’ve never seen a Lugia before, just heard of them in stories.”

The Lugia’s conscience was ordering him to apologize, but he profoundly ignored it. Instead, he turned away, fixing his storm-colored gaze on an uninteresting wall.

“So, what’s your name?” the Poochyena asked after a pause; he seemed relatively recovered from the Lugia’s slight. “I’m Martet.”

The Lugia grunted. Without looking at Martet, he growled, “Lucent.”

“Nice name,” Martet appraised. “Elegant. It fits a Legendary.”

“Hey, no offense, but would you two kindly shut up?” a voice called from the back of the room. “No one can get a wink of sleep with you whining!”

“Hey!” Martet shouted. “Show a little respect! He’s a Legendary.”

“Ooh, I’m shaking,” the voice sneered, while Lucent turned back to Martet. “I can take care of myself, Martet!”

“Then why are you in a cage?” this purring voice came, not from in a cage, but the front of the room. Lucent turned to see a sleek Hexluk sitting in front of the door. Her violet eyes glittered scornfully and her pointed teeth were bared in a malicious grin.

“That’s Ellyn,” Martet whispered as Lucent glared at her. The Poochyena’s voice was fearful. “She’s the Darkstars’ special assassin. She’s like, level a hundred or something.”

“Level seventy-eight, thank you,” Ellyn purred, her eyes half-closed. “Now, please, don’t let me interrupt your horribly important conversation. And you, Rae, you stupid Dunsparce,” she raised her voice, “Want me to tell Jack that you’ve been a bad boy again?” she grinned wickedly.

“Uh, no thanks!” the voice responded.

Ellyn’s purple eyes closed as she curled up without another word, though her ears stayed pricked and she didn’t completely relax.

“Aaaanyway…” Martet muttered.

Lucent turned back toward the Poochyena. A question had occurred to him. “So, question…why aren’t the…‘Darkstars’ using you to capture and enslave other Pokémon? I thought that was what humans do.”

Martet shook his head. “Not all humans are like Darkstars. The Darkstars are power-hungry jerks who want nothing more than to rule the regions. They use Pokémon as tools, and don’t give a crap about us as living creatures.” Lucent was surprised to hear his voice grow bitter, as Martet seemed like a rather optimistic and happy Pokémon. “But some humans train Pokémon, and bond with them, and battle against others. That’s actually how the Darkstars caught me,” he added with an embarrassed grimace. “I didn’t fit in with my pack, so I went off to find a human to train me. I found a Darkstar instead, and he made me battle other Pokémon. One time, I don’t know what did it, but I snapped and attacked him. I bit off his finger. They moved me in here, and apparently, because I’m too ‘unstable and dangerous’, they were going to… to get rid of me… tomorrow.”

Now Lucent’s conscience was really working hard, screeching at him to console the poor, dejected-looking Poochyena. “I’m…sorry. I wish I could help, somehow.” It sounded weak and lame, but that was the best Lucent could do. At least in the hands of the Darkstars, his survival was assured – they wouldn’t waste a Legendary, he was certain.

“It’s okay,” Martet mumbled. “But, hey,” he perked up, seeming bright and cheerful, “it’s not all bad. I can probably take off more Darkstar fingers. Maybe even a whole hand!”

Brave words, Lucent knew that Martet was just putting on a show, only Arceus knew why, but he nodded. “Maybe.” He lay his head down and closed his eyes, thus ending the conversation.



Lucent dreamed that he was in the ocean.

He was flying near the ocean floor, but not as a human would figure it: cold and terrible and depressing. This part of the ocean was still very cold and pressurized, but it was somewhat shallow. His talons skimmed the ocean floor and the surface was barely 300 feet above him – relatively shallow for the ocean. At this level, sunlight was still streaming down. He loved flying in the shallows, where he didn’t have to worry about humans or crushing darkness. He inhaled frigid ocean water and seconds later it shot out through his nostrils as CO2-filled bubbles.

A trench came into view then, and Lucent noted it with delight; he’d been looking for an excuse to go into a dive. He flapped faster, gaining a bit of height as he did so. Just a couple more seconds…

Suddenly, something black and oval-shaped rose from the trench like an ominous Drifblim. He crashed directly into it; not even his claws, which scraped across its surface, pierced it. Startled, Lucent flapped backwards, knocking the object away from him and vice versa with powerful downstrokes.

Now Lucent could get a good look at the thing. It was a submarine; his father had taught him about them. Humans rode in them so that they could study the water and its various, diverse Pokémon. But he’d never seen submarines so huge, or that had a pair of maroon crossed swords painted rampantly and gigantically on its hull. The submarine and all its occupants were a blank spot on his mental map of the ocean, which chilled Lucent to his feather-tips.

A huge net shot out of the sub, quite suddenly and almost randomly, and Lucent stopped it with a furious Psyblast. Fear gripped him. From what he’d been told, humans didn’t attack Legendary Pokémon, unless they wanted to get shredded. But these humans seemed to know what they were doing, what with the impenetrable metal and the mental blank spot and all…

Without waiting for something else to happen, Lucent turned to the ocean’s surface and flapped, starting to rise. He heard something whooshing through the water, and then a second net snared him, pinning his wings to his sides. He started dropping like a stone. Electricity lanced through him from the net, and he screeched with agony. He used another Psyblast, this time an explosion bursting from his body. The net shattered and he landed on the ocean’s sandy floor with grace, despite his stiff limbs.

He turned to look at the submarine. It was still hovering there like some sort of predator.

And Lucent was the prey.

He had to get out of there. Another shock like that may well kill me.

He jumped off the sandy seabed, flapping hard. He could get to the surface, he knew it. And if he did, then the submarine couldn’t attack him anymore.

But just as he was on the home stretch, something exploded inches from his left shoulder. He screeched as a wave of pain rolled over him, this one fiery and burning. His head spun and a ringing noise filled his ears. He barely even noticed that he was falling.

Fine, he thought, suddenly exhausted as the explosion’s pain wore off, replaced by monstrous fatigue, you win. I can’t fight anymore.

Another net tightened around his body. He didn’t struggle; all fight had left him. Thankfully, the net didn’t shock him again. As Lucent fell through the water, the submarine drifted nearer, and he watched it, lost in the deep black of its metal…



Lucent’s eyes opened slowly, and he tried to shut out the memories.

When he looked up, he got a pretty big surprise.

A Darkstar grunt - the one who’d been talking to the admin earlier, Lucent realized - was making his way through the maze of cages. He stopped at Martet's cage, brandishing something Lucent had seen once before in a brush with other humans – a pistol.

The human muttered something and flipped a latch on the cage door. Martet lay on the cage floor, his breathing relaxed and slow.

Wake up, Lucent thought, realizing Martet would die if he didn’t. Please wake up…

The human opened the door, finger on the object…

“AYAH!” Martet cried, red-and-yellow eyes suddenly shooting open. His little legs shoved him up, and he jumped at the Darkstar grunt, snapping and snarling. His jaws met in the teen’s throat, perhaps accidentally, and the grunt screamed, blood bubbling from his throat. He fell, gurgling, his eyes glazing over. The reek of blood filled Lucent’s nostrils.

A trick, Lucent thought, startled. As he watched with disbelieving eyes, hearing the cheers of the Pokémon in cages, Martet grabbed something from the grunt’s pocket with his teeth: a shiny, rounded rectangle. The Poochyena moved fast, gripping the object and dashing over to Lucent’s cage. He held the thing firmly in his teeth, then scraped it across the outside edge of the cage. There was a beep and a pneumatic hiss, and suddenly the cage door slid open, and the cuffs released their grip on him. His mind was able to expand again, touching the minds of the other Pokémon, touching the objects in the room – cages mostly.

He was free.

“Lucent!” Martet cried. The little Pokémon’s eyes blazed as he shifted from black paw to black paw. “We have to go!”

Lucent was too shocked to react.

“Come on!” Martet barked frantically, half whimpering. “I had to attack that guy, and I killed him, and I didn’t mean to or want to but he’s dead, so I guess it’s not important, but still…come on!”

Lucent stared, half shocked by circumstance, half by how the Poochyena had been able to say all that in one breath. “O…kay.” He squeezed out of the cage, then managed to stand somewhat well in the cramped space, though his neck stayed firmly arced.

“Free us, too!” Rae's voice demanded.

“None of you are going anywhere,” Ellyn growled; Lucent turned to look at her. Her purple eyes were glowing, and her claws were unsheathed. Lucent opened his mouth and Aeroblasted her against a wall, then shattered the cages with a Psychic attack. He leaped into the air, Hydro Pumping the near-never-ending ceilings in front of him, grabbing Martet gently in his talons. He flew off into the noonday sun, leaving behind a very confused and angry group of Darkstars.

~~~

A Hexluk, just so everyone knows, is a purple-eyed Pokemon with a doglike snout, long fangs, a long tail with a big plume of fur at the end, and tufts around their paws. The males have white streaks that run from the nose down to the tail-tip.
__________________
I laughed, I cried, I testified;
And in the end found this world altogether lacking.

Thanks, Speed and Dino and also Speed! :D
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 12-22-2010, 12:40 AM
Graceful_Suicune's Avatar
Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Ashley's pants
Posts: 4,886
Send a message via AIM to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Yahoo to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Skype™ to Graceful_Suicune
Default Re: Heart of a Lugia [PG - PG 13 for violence]

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
WOW I HATE GRAMMER.

-Yes, the mistake was on purpose-

I thanks you SOSOSOSOSOMUCH for the gracious comments~! It means a lot to me to see that a friend who is a really good writer likes something I wrote so much. After Chapter Two (MARTETMARTETMARTETFANGIRLMARTETWOO) is up and Chapter Three is finished (and I really need to think of something to happen in it) I will correct all my mistakes.

I will! And just so you know, I try to make HoaL humorous whenever possible! That's what I like about Chrissie (to toot my own horn) that she can always come up with a snappy comment or goofy thought. X3
xDDDDDDD Grammar is harsh sometimes!

IT'S OKAY WHEN YOU SPEAK OUT OF STORIES IN CAPITALS GRAMMAR DOESN'T MATTER.

xDDD No worries! ^v^ Sorry I keep disappearing and not commenting for a while. Dx But around Christmas time I'm asked to do other things, and sometimes it's hard to get in the mood to sit down and read a story. xD Oh, really? xDD Well of course I like yours so much! It's well written and very entertaining. ^^ (xDDDDDDD) Okay, haha. x) Take your time. x) If you need any ideas or anything, I can help if you like!

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“I had to attack that guy, and I killed him, and I didn’t mean to or want to but he’s dead, so I guess it’s not important, but still…come on!”

Lucent stared, half shocked by circumstance, half by how the Poochyena had been able to say all that in one breath.
xDDDDDDD I'm surprised he could say all that too! The only thing is that 'come on' seems to be a separate sentence, so put a space after the ellipsis and have a capital C.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
A Hexluk, just so everyone knows, is a purple-eyed Pokemon with a doglike snout, long fangs, a long tail with a big plume of fur at the end, and tufts around their paws. The males have white streaks that run from the nose down to the tail-tip.
Haha, when I first saw (well, read about her) Ellyn, I imagined her as a choroneko (haha, I just realised that that means something-cat because neko is cat in Japanese xD), but then the evolved form, but to make sure I Googled "hexluk", but nothing came up. xDDD It was then that I realised it must have been a fakemon of yours, haha. But I'd like to see an image of one. o:

There you go! So that's only one mistake. xD I started reading yesterday, and I think there was another grammatical error, but I don't remember what it was anyway. xD

But I like how you've refined it! Martet really is awesome. xDD And I thought Lucent was unnecessarily cold (as in, on his part, not yours xD), but I like that he finally felt sympathy and empathised with Martet. o: Also, haha, Rae. xDD I don't like dunsparce much (mainly because a friend used to have a friend who liked dunsparce because they were underused (which is, of course, a completely stupid reason to like something >.>), but that person was really horrible to my friend, so dunsparce now reminds my friend and me of that horrible person Dx) so it was funny to see that he wasn't a likable character. xDD

But I really like how you've characterised Lucent, in that most Legendaries are depicted as majestic and formal in both appearance and personality (including speech), but you've created Lucent to have a personality like any other pokemon, which I think is cool! Since I would be one of those people to have Legendaries all somewhat formal and all-knowing and stuff...though I don't think I've ever written about one, so maybe that's just how I imagined I would. xDDD But anyway. Martet is also really cute. xDD I think he's adorable when he's like, "I can probably take off more Darkstar fingers. Maybe even a whole hand!" xDDDD

So now that they're free, I wonder where they're gonna go. I think it's really good that Lucent could free all those pokemon, but the question is: how many will actually escape? I also wonder if all the pokemon down there were for executing, and if not, then if it was a storage area or something. Silly Darkstars. They sound like the other evil organisations: power hungry and set up for failure. However, something tells me they won't stop going after Lucent, and Blake and Chris will probably get involved, too. >.< RUN GUYS, RUN!

I'll be looking forward to another chapter. ^v^

~GS.
__________________
Everyone who's still stuck here, Pe2k is Dead. It's sad, but it happened. Instead, we moved to...

Pokemon Crossroads!
Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 12-22-2010, 08:31 PM
Velocity's Avatar
Velocity Offline
ASB Official
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Land of Night and Magic
Posts: 2,758
Default Re: Heart of a Lugia [PG - PG 13 for violence]

Quote:
I think he's adorable when he's like, "I can probably take off more Darkstar fingers. Maybe even a whole hand!" xDDDD
I think that was your idea, GS.

And if you want formal Legends, you'll get them... soon... Lucent is a teenager. Teen angst for the win. Just look at Zuko from The Last Airbender (series, not movie)

I'm sorry I don't have an image for Hexluk; I may whip one up. But there's a HoaL-related image that's far more pressing pretending to occupy my time (meaning, I haven't started on it yet).

Team Darkstar IS kind of like the other organizations - only worse. As in, lethal. They more or less know what they're doing. Except for capturing Lucent; that was a minor fail on their part - and not just because he set all the Pokemon 'free'.
But you'll find out about that....
__________________
I laughed, I cried, I testified;
And in the end found this world altogether lacking.

Thanks, Speed and Dino and also Speed! :D
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 12-23-2010, 12:48 AM
Graceful_Suicune's Avatar
Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Ashley's pants
Posts: 4,886
Send a message via AIM to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Yahoo to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Skype™ to Graceful_Suicune
Default Re: Heart of a Lugia [PG - PG 13 for violence]

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
I think that was your idea, GS.

And if you want formal Legends, you'll get them... soon... Lucent is a teenager. Teen angst for the win. Just look at Zuko from The Last Airbender (series, not movie)

I'm sorry I don't have an image for Hexluk; I may whip one up. But there's a HoaL-related image that's far more pressing pretending to occupy my time (meaning, I haven't started on it yet).

Team Darkstar IS kind of like the other organizations - only worse. As in, lethal. They more or less know what they're doing. Except for capturing Lucent; that was a minor fail on their part - and not just because he set all the Pokemon 'free'.
But you'll find out about that....
Oh, really? xDDD Well it's still cute, haha. And his large sentence. xD

No no, I said that I thought it was cool that he wasn't formal. Since it's not often that you see formal ones, I thought it was awesome to see one like him that wasn't like that at all. ^^ It's breaking a stereotype, if you will. Oh yes, haha, if I ever DO see the movie, it's going to be to mock the crap out of it, because from what I've seen and heard of it, it's a complete disgrace to the series. And I love the series to death, so that makes the movie even worse. Anyway.

It's fine. ^^ I just thought seeing on sometime would be cool. Oh, really? :D I'd love to see it sometime! :D

Yeah, I imagine. Dx I get the feeling that they're pretty hardcore, which is backed up by what Martet said about them not caring about their pokemon as living creatures at all.

Oh, I forgot to mention! I thought you wrote the underwater scene really well. It captured Lucent's feelings accurately, and I think the description was great. The whole notion of the submarine being the predator and Lucent being the pray was brilliant, and it really set up Darkstar's view of itself, and put it out there that they were competent. Aware. And able to bring anyone down, even a powerful Legendary like Lucent. I just loved that whole underwater scene. ^^ Apart from the fact, of course, that Lucent was captured and all. Dx

Also, are you okay? You seem not very lively. o:

~GS.
__________________
Everyone who's still stuck here, Pe2k is Dead. It's sad, but it happened. Instead, we moved to...

Pokemon Crossroads!
Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 01-01-2011, 10:27 PM
Velocity's Avatar
Velocity Offline
ASB Official
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Land of Night and Magic
Posts: 2,758
Default Re: Heart of a Lugia [PG - PG 13 for violence]

AND SHE'S POSTING A NEW CHAPTER -flails-

~~~~

Chapter 3: The Beasts Converse

Far away, a pool in a hidden glade reflected the sights of a Lugia’s drastic escape from a tall building on an isolated island. The great bird flew freely into the sky, with hordes of winged foes following with bloodthirsty screeches. A ball of gray fuzz was gripped in the Deep Sea Pokémon’s mighty white talons. Red eyes in a blue face peered into the water intently.

“So, that is the one Team Darkstar mistook for their legend,” whispered the creature lying beside the pool. Its four long, slim legs were tucked neatly under its white-furred chest. Its pelt was blue, interspersed with white splotches shaped rather like diamonds. A long, purple mane billowed over its lithe body. On its head rested a crest – a teal, pointy oval that had a gap in the middle. On either side, a little knob extended at the base. The Pokémon shook its white muzzle and whispered, “Fools.”

A long, silky white ribbon lifted slowly, almost lazily, out of the mass of violet and into the air, attached to the Pokémon by the water. The pointed tip of the odd appendage touched the water gently, and the Lugia’s image was gone, replaced by fast-fading ripples and the reflection of a tree in the night.

“Sooner or later, however,” murmured the Suicune – for that she was, “Team Darkstar will find the Pokémon they seek and the world will descend into darkness, thanks to the foolish Law of Intervention-Limitation.” The Suicune shook her noble head again. “I do not blame Arceus for it, but by his Name, it is infuriating!” She gazed at the pool again. It was still and clear.

She thought of a moment, and then dipped the ribbon in the water once again. “Show me,” she breathed, “the one I should guide. Show me the hero. Show me the one who must be protected, so that they can protect all. The one who will prevent what I foresee.” She knew it was an abstract command, but she needed to know what she should be doing to avert the course she predicted for the world.

There was a pause as the ripples on the pool settled, then it reflected broad daylight with a pair of adolescent humans walking along a path, one male and one female. A Ponyta walked calmly at the boy’s side. The humans were laughing, and the Ponyta had an expression of happy contentment on its long, cream-colored face.

The Suicune started, surprised that she had been given something so promptly. She looked at the trio and frowned, pondering on what she saw.

Which one could… Suddenly the Suicune jolted, red eyes growing huge and ribbons whipping. She stared and stared at the female’s face, knowing it had to be.

The girl’s honey-colored hair framed grey eyes. That, combined with the fact the human appeared in the pool, almost certainly meant…

The Suicune jumped to her feet. “Impossible!” she gasped aloud, while her mind reeled. The gift… That power has not reoccurred in over a hundred years!

Does Aevohs know about this?
The thought jolted her, and she paced restlessly around the pool, dispelling the image in the water with a flick of the long ribbon. He has to be told. Nothing like this has happened in ages… The Pokémon King must know. I must tell him. He must know that this girl has the Heart of a –

“Shika!”

The Suicune’s head jolted up, her muzzle pointing in the direction of a space in the trees. A pair of Pokémon emerged from it, one brown-coated with metal clasps around its grey paws, the other yellow-coated with electric-looking black stripes. The Entei and the Raikou nodded to the Suicune, who managed a hasty head-dip in return.

“Brothers,” panted Shika, “there is news. A human –.”

“Shika,” the Entei growled, “it can wait. Grave matters must be discussed. Now.”
The Suicune snarled, curling her lip. “Dunev, Brother, whatever it is cannot be more important than what the pool has told me.”

“More important,” the Raikou bellowed furiously, “than the Great Bird losing his seat of power? Is it more important than a coo, than usurpation, than the unsanctioned uprising of a new King Over the Pokémon!?”

“What, Vekvay?” Shika demanded, the fur along her spine starting to lift. “What are you saying?”

Dunev sighed. “We went to the Whirl Islands yesterday,” said the Entei, “to pay a visit to the Lugia Council, and to hopefully help ease the tensions between Aevohs and Boneclaw. However, when we had gotten there… Apparently, Aevohs’ son had disappeared a week ago. Boneclaw took Aevohs’ grief as an opportunity to overthrow the Bird King. He and his followers challenged Aevohs’ loyal guard. There was a huge fight, so I heard.”

Shika swallowed nervously. “Is Aevohs – did Boneclaw kill him?”

Vekvay shook his head. “No,” he growled. “If he did, I would have fought Boneclaw and all his forces single-pawed, no matter the cost for me.”

“As it was,” added Dunev helpfully, “I had trouble getting him to leave without violence.”

“This is bad,” Shika growled. “Darkstar stirs, and the Bird King is pushed off his throne… That, combined with this human girl with the gift… This does not align well.”

“What?” asked Dunev. “What gift? What girl?”

“What Darkstar?” added Vekvay belligerently.

“I know what happened to Aevohs’ son,” explained Shika, pacing on slender paws. “Team Darkstar captured him.”

“What?” barked Vekvay, his storm cloud mane sparking with electricity.

“He escaped,” Shika explained, “but what worries me is why Team Darkstar came after him. They are hunting the Drakis, brothers. They thought that Lugia and Ho-oh were the pair originally – though who they put as the third, I don’t even know – but it will only be a matter of time before they figure out the true identities of the Drakis. After all, their home region is the correct one.”

“Are you certain of this?” Dunev’s eyes glinted with uncertainty.

Shika nodded grimly. “I have seen it in the Pool.”

“What about this girl?” asked Vekvay. “What gift has she?”

“The Heart of a Lugia,” Shika replied gravely.

Both Dunev and Vekvay were dumbstruck, gaping. The former finally stuttered, “A-are you certain?”

“I asked for the hero,” said Shika, “and the pool showed me a grey-eyed human.”

“But such a gift has not appeared in centuries!” Vekvay snarled. “It returns now? How! Is it even active?”

Shika shook her head, while Dunev said, “Doubtful. And doubtful it ever will be, now that Boneclaw has been crowned King.”

Vekvay cursed and nodded. “And that fat lout Boneclaw will not give her the true gift, as only a Bird King can – harrumph! He is barely even a Lugia!”

But Shika was shaking her head thoughtfully. “Perhaps it doesn’t matter whether Boneclaw sits on the seat of power or not – the law plainly says, ‘The power grant by the strength channeled through the righteous king.’”

“'Righteous king’,” said Dunev. “Could be, however… At any rate, if what you said about Team Darkstar is true, we have more important matters than humans.”

“If it is true,” insisted Shika, “then this human could well be our last hope. The Heart of a Lugia only surfaces in times of extreme need.”

“And besides,” muttered Vekvay, “Team Darkstar is humans.”

Dunev shot him a look, then turned to Shika. “What will you do, sister?”

She lifted her snow-white chin. “I’ll find her. I’ll protect her. I used to test human Trainers with my strength – I can do so again.”

“The Law of Intervention-Limitation, the Third Law, will… well, limit you,” Dunev warned. “You will only be able to assist her once, and the power of Arceus will prevent you from interacting with her very much at all.”

“I know this, my brother,” Shika assured. “But I will be careful. I will only come to her when she is really in need.” She looked up at the stars, thoughtful. “Perhaps, if Aevohs still has the authority to wake the power, he will work through me…” then she gave herself a brisk shake, making her purple mane ripple like waves in the starlight.

“Perhaps, sister,” Dunev admitted. “Will you go now?”

Shika nodded, stretching her long, slim legs. “Nothing can delay me.” She then turned to the pool. “Show me the destination of the girl!” she barked. As soon as she touched the pool, a quaint, old-looking little town appeared. One of the signs read, ‘Dusgray, the tiny town with a big heart!’

“Dusgray?” Vekvay spat. “That's in Eos! How the Giratina will you get there?”

“I will travel across the ocean,” said Shika, “and travel with the winds. Both these things lie within my sphere.” Then she looked at the both of them. “Be careful, please. Now that the Great Bird is no longer King, I fear for the unity of the Pokémon Kingdom.” Without another word, Shika turned and disappeared into the night, her paws barely skimming the earth.

Vekvay shook his head. “Do you think she will be all right?”

“Only time will tell,” growled Dunev. “However, I believe she will survive.

“She must show this human her path."

~~~~

Whoo random Legendary beasts~!
Shika (c) to Dark Moonlight
__________________
I laughed, I cried, I testified;
And in the end found this world altogether lacking.

Thanks, Speed and Dino and also Speed! :D
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 01-01-2011, 11:06 PM
kitkatt's Avatar
kitkatt Offline
Experienced Trainer
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Behind U!!! Hahahaha.
Posts: 133
Default Re: Heart of a Lugia [PG - PG 13 for violence] (Chapter 3 UP)

YAY! SUICUNE! ^.^

It's currently 12:01 AM where I am, so imma gonna mak this quick. I'll do a proper review later.

I love Suicune ^^ So pleased she's gonna be in this story! I also like the way you have given all the legndaries different names and made more than one Lugia. It's a refreshing change from just one Entei, one Raikou, et.c. I also like the breakout scene (MARTET FAN WOO) and am intruiged by the 'Heart of a Lugia'. Keeping my eye on this.

That's all from me now! C x
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 01-03-2011, 09:19 PM
Velocity's Avatar
Velocity Offline
ASB Official
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Land of Night and Magic
Posts: 2,758
Default Re: Heart of a Lugia [PG - PG 13 for violence] (Chapter 3 UP)

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkatt View Post
YAY! SUICUNE! ^.^

It's currently 12:01 AM where I am, so imma gonna mak this quick. I'll do a proper review later.

I love Suicune ^^ So pleased she's gonna be in this story! I also like the way you have given all the legndaries different names and made more than one Lugia. It's a refreshing change from just one Entei, one Raikou, et.c. I also like the breakout scene (MARTET FAN WOO) and am intruiged by the 'Heart of a Lugia'. Keeping my eye on this.

That's all from me now! C x
HEY YOU KITKATT.

I'm very glad you like Suicune~! And I like to give names. Plus, I kinda had to give them all names, since Shika is someone else's character and if one has a name, they all should.
And I think it's been proven that there are multiple Lugia (Lugi-i?) in the anime. Then again, I don't keep up with it. But I THINK so. (AHEM RELEVANCE CHECK AHEM)
YAY YOU LIKE MARTET TOO? I love him~! I wish he could come be my pet Poochy~! I actually made him specifically to have a kiddish character in the story (does Blake count? XP)
And as for the Heart of a Lugia it's... THE TITLE OF THE STORY.
IT ALSO PERTAINS TO LUGI-I.
AND IT SEEMS THAT CHRISSIE MAY OR MAY NOT POSSESS IT.

Thanks for the comment~! I cherish all the feedback~!
__________________
I laughed, I cried, I testified;
And in the end found this world altogether lacking.

Thanks, Speed and Dino and also Speed! :D
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:31 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com