>>Shadow End<< [Dedicated to Kaze Megami] - Chapter 3!

[Graceful_Suicune]

CHAPTER 2:

Originally Posted by Tombi

The voice confirmed it was a girl.

I would expect him to say 'female', not 'girl'. o:

Originally Posted by Tombi

I asked hoarsely, imagining other Zangooses, other creatures like me-

Zangooses? xDDD Usually pokemon names don't have an s on the end for their plural versions, and in this case, I think I'd say "Zangeese". xDDDDD Though I've always wondered.

Originally Posted by Tombi

We had been walking for hours, and yet she had only just asked me to stop.

Originally Posted by Tombi

How long had I been charging on without a second thought?

These sentences are kind of contradictory. o: I know "hours" isn't a precise measurement, but I thought I would point it out. :3

Originally Posted by Tombi

DON’T TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME, STOP IT-”

Should be a semicolon. o:

Originally Posted by Tombi

I PROMISED HIM, I PROMISED-

Also should be a semicolon. Dx

I think there were a couple more errors, but I read half of it another time, so I don't remember. xDD Sorry!

CHAPTER 3:

Originally Posted by Tombi

The weather up here was different, and that was the first thing she noticed.

Since it's not from first person perspective, and not in the same tense, that 'here' should be 'there'.

Originally Posted by Tombi

being as she’d been nothing but a shell when she had awoken in that eerie, glowing room. Let’s see...

That "Let's see" shouldn't be there. Unless it's speech or thoughts. o:

Originally Posted by Tombi

Their captors had shown their faces eventually by taking the lids off of the boxes, their ugly faces looming over them, and then,

I think you shouldn't have 'faces' twice in the same sentence when used like that. Maybe it should be "...shown themselves eventually..." instead of the first 'face'? o:

Originally Posted by Tombi

Angry at everything that had happened beneath its starry gaze. Huh...

Thoughts again? o: You can only really make remarks like this (the "Huh", not the previous sentence xD) if it's from first person perspective. It happens in other places too.

Originally Posted by Tombi

“We all came from the laboratory, that’s where Cipher operated at one point in its career.”

Should be a semicolon, because there's no joining word to make the sentences one. o:

Originally Posted by Tombi

She wasn’t dealing with normal Pokémon, she was dealing with creatures who had had their hearts closed.

Semicolon. xD

Originally Posted by Tombi

“We are Team Darkspace.

xDDDDDD I read that as "We are Team Dunsparce", and I was like, "Huh? Why would they name themselves after a dunsparce??" xDDDD

Well! I'm glad I finally caught up!

So. c: I like where this is going...though I must admit, I'm not sure where it's going. xDD I think it's cool that Lorcan made a friend! :D Tanie's so cute, and for some reason I really like when rattata are included in stories. o: They're usually portrayed as pests and somewhat feral when they are in stories (and they're only background pokemon), but Tanie's adorable and all like 0w0 and I love imagining her and Lorcan walking through the sand together. Obviously it would be really daunting to have to wake up in some unfamiliar environment and have to journey on some kind of quest just to discover who you are... On top of that, you're probably starving and thirsty (although they don't seem to be as of yet xD), completely lost, you have to avoid sand rashes, you have no idea when you'll get OUT of the desert, and if you're alone, then that's gotta be worse... So it's good Tanie and Lorcan found each other, and I find the notion of Tanie calling out as she watched others leave but not being heard (well, she didn't actually call out since she couldn't) really heartbreaking. ;~;

I really liked the parts with Lorcan and his trainer...they were vague, obviously and understandably, but it's good he's beginning to remember. I think the scene was well set up, and I really liked the imagery. The feeling of tranquility and an almost idyllic environment contrasts well with the current situation of Lorcan's struggle to find himself and discover everything that's happening at the moment. I really do wonder what happened to Lorcan, and it'll be interesting to find out how he was taken away from his trainer, why, and what became of his trainer. o: Like other people have guessed, I'm wondering if the blood and rope Tanie found came from his trainer, but yes--it's a mystery as of yet. x)

I'm quite fond of Fein so far; I love sneasel and she's no exception. c: I wonder when she left as opposed to Vander and his gang, and Lorcan and Tanie. o: It's a shame she didn't leave when Lorcan and Tanie did, because a zangoose and sneasel together are a wicked combination. xDDD I love both of those pokemon. c: I'm really suspicious of the Sinnoh starter trio, especially Jomas. I like Gorigan, and his name's awesome too, and I don't know enough about Feldas to judge him yet, but he seems friendlier than Jomas, at least. o: xD But I really hope they don't do anything sinister to Fein. Dx It would be horrible if they did, because I don't want her to be burdened by the evil Shadow... And it must alter your personality a lot, since you'd naturally have to become a lot darker. :(

I also wonder why the humans seemed to abandon everything. I mean, someone could have come along and destroyed that lab, but then again, it could have been Cipher who had to blow it up themselves to bury evidence or whatever, or maybe they had to pack up and leave for some reason. But they forgot some pokemon. xDD Also, the fact that they were once at the mountain is interesting...and that they also left Gorigan, Jomas and Feldas there. o: They must feel pretty lonely, and I wouldn't imagine there's much in the way of food or water either. It must suck. D: ALSO. Jomas said he could "fix" Fein, but there's the question of how. I would have thought only humans could do that with their machines, but clearly there's another way. o:

I think it was kind of silly of Lorcan to sit there and not travel for a few days, but then again, if he hadn't he wouldn't have met Tanie. At the same time, I wonder why he didn't go down to the lab again to see if there were any more pokemon that were somehow trapped, or just still in their cages or containers. I guess others wouldn't be the first thing on his list, but I'm kind of surprised nobody else bothered to check either. I guess, since there weren't any more pokemon in plain sight, they figured they better just leave and try to find their own answers--as well as get away from that place. The fact that more second evolutionary stage starters appeared interests me... I wonder if there will be a trio of all the generations' starters. o: And if so, what could it mean? *GASP*

Mm...it'll be cool to see everyone meet up--if that's an eventual plan. :3 I agree with Scy about pretty much everything she said, and remember that unnecessary comma thing she pointed out. I was going to point it out, but she already mentioned it. xD I also think the music really suited chapter 2. o: And yes, haha, I checked a few times to see if I had missed any music for chapter 3. xD And what you said about how you thought what it would be like in the anime, and how pokemon would react to Shadow pokemon in their trainer's party, that's an interesting thought. o: I never actually wondered that myself. xDD

So yeah--watch out for KEITH. (...Inside joke. xDDD I had to put it there. If you've seen Hoodwinked you'll know what I'm talking about. xD) Nah, haha, watch out for the semicolon problem that occurred a few times. o: Also, I think it's odd they call each other penguins and tortoises... Do animals exist in your pokemon stories? o: They do in mine, but if your characters have never seen that animal before, or, if they didn't even exist, wouldn't it make no sense for them to be referring to each other as animals? O_o And know what the animals are and do and look like? *mystery*

Hope to see another chapter soon! 8D And actually read it when you first post it, this time. xDDDD

~GS.

[Ryenne]

Eeeheehehehee.

Ahahahahaha.


Ooohohohoho.

A-

Ohsnap, right. Comment. I'm supposed to comment. Jeez it's been a while since I've been around here.

BUT TAMBEY!! Tambey my love. I read it, and I love it. I really don't have a single thing that I could say. :D

Your imagery is wonderful, and the language flows so smoothly that it's nearly effortless to get caught up in the world of the story.

And zohmygoodness. SUSPENSE. You're building up the suspense so craftily, you had me hooked right from the beginning. I keep wondering, "What's happening? How'd they get there? WHERE ARE THEY GOING? WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN? OH MY GOOTNESS WHAT'S GOIN ON."

SO JUST TELL ME ALREAD- I mean keep doin what you're doing hun. It's wonderful.

Only thing I wanna warn you about, and I have a similar problem when writing, is getting too caught up in unnecessary detail. And I'm just warning - you've done an excellent job with your description and language, though you still leave just enough to the imagination. (:

Imma so proud of my missus dumplin dear.

Keep it up, Tambley, I'm lookin forward to more!

- <3 -

Raaai

[Tombi]

YAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune

CHAPTER 2:

I would expect him to say 'female', not 'girl'. o:

I did debate over that, but due to the character of Tanie I decided to use 'girl', just to instantly provide that image of an innocent little one, y'know? xD Maybe it was a mistake O:

Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune

Zangooses? xDDD Usually pokemon names don't have an s on the end for their plural versions, and in this case, I think I'd say "Zangeese". xDDDDD Though I've always wondered.

XDD I DON'T KNOW. WOULD IT APPLY? Cause 'goose' is part of the name... what if someone was called, like, Bobgoose, and then someone else came along called Bobgoose. You wouldn't say 'say hello to the Bobgeese', you'd say 'say hello to the Bobgooses!'

... WORST EXAMPLE EVER?! XDDDD

Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune

These sentences are kind of contradictory. o: I know "hours" isn't a precise measurement, but I thought I would point it out. :3[

So they are. ._.

Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune

I think there were a couple more errors, but I read half of it another time, so I don't remember. xDD Sorry!

xD No problem!

Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune

Since it's not from first person perspective, and not in the same tense, that 'here' should be 'there'.

Oh yeah, doi. x-x

Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune

That "Let's see" shouldn't be there. Unless it's speech or thoughts. o:

Aah, I've always done that, that's how I've always written cause my teachers always praised it. xDD

Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune

I think you shouldn't have 'faces' twice in the same sentence when used like that. Maybe it should be "...shown themselves eventually..." instead of the first 'face'? o:

EW DOUBLE-WORDING EW EW

THANK YOU

Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune

xDDDDDD I read that as "We are Team Dunsparce", and I was like, "Huh? Why would they name themselves after a dunsparce??" xDDDD

XD HAHA. I cracked up when I read that. Imagine it in a seriously sinister voice, with a straight face...

Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune

So. c: I like where this is going...though I must admit, I'm not sure where it's going. xDD I think it's cool that Lorcan made a friend! :D Tanie's so cute, and for some reason I really like when rattata are included in stories. o: They're usually portrayed as pests and somewhat feral when they are in stories (and they're only background pokemon), but Tanie's adorable and all like 0w0 and I love imagining her and Lorcan walking through the sand together. Obviously it would be really daunting to have to wake up in some unfamiliar environment and have to journey on some kind of quest just to discover who you are... On top of that, you're probably starving and thirsty (although they don't seem to be as of yet xD), completely lost, you have to avoid sand rashes, you have no idea when you'll get OUT of the desert, and if you're alone, then that's gotta be worse... So it's good Tanie and Lorcan found each other, and I find the notion of Tanie calling out as she watched others leave but not being heard (well, she didn't actually call out since she couldn't) really heartbreaking. ;~;

0w0 is exactly how I imagine her! XD I'm glad you like her!
Yeah, me too. ;_; I hate writing sad bits... when I wrote the bit with Lorcan's trainer my eyes were burning a little cause I was imagining it too vividly with the music xDDD

Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune

I really liked the parts with Lorcan and his trainer...they were vague, obviously and understandably, but it's good he's beginning to remember. I think the scene was well set up, and I really liked the imagery. The feeling of tranquility and an almost idyllic environment contrasts well with the current situation of Lorcan's struggle to find himself and discover everything that's happening at the moment. I really do wonder what happened to Lorcan, and it'll be interesting to find out how he was taken away from his trainer, why, and what became of his trainer. o: Like other people have guessed, I'm wondering if the blood and rope Tanie found came from his trainer, but yes--it's a mystery as of yet. x)

I'm glad! =DD Oooh, the blood and rope will surely be revealed soon enough~

Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune

I'm quite fond of Fein so far; I love sneasel and she's no exception. c: I wonder when she left as opposed to Vander and his gang, and Lorcan and Tanie. o: It's a shame she didn't leave when Lorcan and Tanie did, because a zangoose and sneasel together are a wicked combination. xDDD I love both of those pokemon. c: I'm really suspicious of the Sinnoh starter trio, especially Jomas. I like Gorigan, and his name's awesome too, and I don't know enough about Feldas to judge him yet, but he seems friendlier than Jomas, at least. o: xD But I really hope they don't do anything sinister to Fein. Dx It would be horrible if they did, because I don't want her to be burdened by the evil Shadow... And it must alter your personality a lot, since you'd naturally have to become a lot darker. :(

They are indeed a wicked combination. ;)
I like Jomas, I love characters like that, haha. For me they're the easiest to write! Lmao! Gorigan makes me laugh, I literally have no idea where his accent came from, I just imagined him opening his mouth and that coming out...

Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune

I also wonder why the humans seemed to abandon everything. I mean, someone could have come along and destroyed that lab, but then again, it could have been Cipher who had to blow it up themselves to bury evidence or whatever, or maybe they had to pack up and leave for some reason. But they forgot some pokemon. xDD Also, the fact that they were once at the mountain is interesting...and that they also left Gorigan, Jomas and Feldas there. o: They must feel pretty lonely, and I wouldn't imagine there's much in the way of food or water either. It must suck. D: ALSO. Jomas said he could "fix" Fein, but there's the question of how. I would have thought only humans could do that with their machines, but clearly there's another way. o:

Indeed there is another way. 8D Which again shall be revealed eventually. The whole human thing should also be uncovered.

Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune

I think it was kind of silly of Lorcan to sit there and not travel for a few days, but then again, if he hadn't he wouldn't have met Tanie. At the same time, I wonder why he didn't go down to the lab again to see if there were any more pokemon that were somehow trapped, or just still in their cages or containers. I guess others wouldn't be the first thing on his list, but I'm kind of surprised nobody else bothered to check either. I guess, since there weren't any more pokemon in plain sight, they figured they better just leave and try to find their own answers--as well as get away from that place. The fact that more second evolutionary stage starters appeared interests me... I wonder if there will be a trio of all the generations' starters. o: And if so, what could it mean? *GASP*

I personally thought I wouldn't be up to moving into that endless desert so soon. xD I mean, he was really drained. I'd be too busy trying to think... and perhaps a part of him wanted to stay behind, just in case more Pokemon emerged? O:

... Why am I asking that? xDD

Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune

So yeah--watch out for KEITH. (...Inside joke. xDDD I had to put it there. If you've seen Hoodwinked you'll know what I'm talking about. xD) Nah, haha, watch out for the semicolon problem that occurred a few times. o: Also, I think it's odd they call each other penguins and tortoises... Do animals exist in your pokemon stories? o: They do in mine, but if your characters have never seen that animal before, or, if they didn't even exist, wouldn't it make no sense for them to be referring to each other as animals? O_o And know what the animals are and do and look like? *mystery*

Hoodwinked! XD Oh man, the goat in that made me laugh so bad when I first saw it.

Looks like I didn't think that through. n_n; Yeah, there's animals in my Pokemon stories, but I guess they wouldn't know what they're called...

Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune

Hope to see another chapter soon! 8D And actually read it when you first post it, this time. xDDDD

~GS.

There shall be! :'D It would be this weekend, but there's the small issue of my birthday. XD So next week, hopefully! Thankiuuuuuuu~

Originally Posted by Ryenne

Eeeheehehehee.

Ahahahahaha.


Ooohohohoho.

A-

Ohsnap, right. Comment. I'm supposed to comment. Jeez it's been a while since I've been around here.

RYE-CHAAAANNNNN I LOVE YOOOOOUUU

Originally Posted by Ryenne

BUT TAMBEY!! Tambey my love. I read it, and I love it. I really don't have a single thing that I could say. :D

Your imagery is wonderful, and the language flows so smoothly that it's nearly effortless to get caught up in the world of the story.

I'm so glad. <3 Did you read it in the bath like you said? XD
That's probably a weird question to ask on a forum. BUT WHATEVER ASGSHFJL

Thank yoooou :'D You do know that you're still my writing idol like back when we were like eleven, right? IT MEANS SO MUCH COMING FROM YOU T^T

Originally Posted by Ryenne

And zohmygoodness. SUSPENSE. You're building up the suspense so craftily, you had me hooked right from the beginning. I keep wondering, "What's happening? How'd they get there? WHERE ARE THEY GOING? WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN? OH MY GOOTNESS WHAT'S GOIN ON."

SO JUST TELL ME ALREAD- I mean keep doin what you're doing hun. It's wonderful.

I'm glad! xD Suspense freaks me out, but it's so fun to write. Well, attempt to write. ouo

Originally Posted by Ryenne

Only thing I wanna warn you about, and I have a similar problem when writing, is getting too caught up in unnecessary detail. And I'm just warning - you've done an excellent job with your description and language, though you still leave just enough to the imagination. (:

Sometimes I ramble. XD And I go back and erase like 'THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT THE MATERIAL OF THEIR SOCKS'

Originally Posted by Ryenne

Imma so proud of my missus dumplin dear.

Keep it up, Tambley, I'm lookin forward to more!

- <3 -

Raaai

AND IMMA SO VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH MY PUMPKIN POT

I shall send it to you when I get it done! :'D

♥ ♥ ♥

[3m0d0ll]

Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune

Should be 'discernible'. *gasp* (I actually only know that because of Firefox's spell check. xDDD

Maybe the country you live in spells it differently than the country Tombi lives in :P
Because, hell, there's no 'U' in color >_>

Originally Posted by Tombi

“Wes, move. I want to check the hole.”

Sorry, I couldn't help myself >3<

Now onward to the crit.
...
I have none.
But your writing arouses me in ways I never knew I could be aroused in (if that makes any sense xD ).

[Tombi]

Originally Posted by 3m0d0ll

But your writing arouses me in ways I never knew I could be aroused in (if that makes any sense xD ).

xD Thank you!

Chapter 4 IS in progress, I'm just having a rough time at college. ^^; Stay tuned!

[Doodlebop]

I have been promised Chapter 3.

But I do not see Chapter 3.

Am I half-blind or is something else up? xD

[Charmander009]

There's a Chapter three, Doodle; it's back on the second page ^^

[Tombi]

xD Yup, Chapter 3 has been up a while! It's my favourite so far.

[Doodlebop]

Hnn? Okay, weird. And I've actually read that one.... Fail. Okay, please ignore me, haha. ^^'

[Graceful_Suicune]

Originally Posted by 3m0d0ll

Maybe the country you live in spells it differently than the country Tombi lives in :P
Because, hell, there's no 'U' in color >_>

England and Australia have the same spelling. Derp.

And yes, I believe there is. You know how the language is called English? Well shouldn't that mean the English people know how to spell things the most accurately? So. There is a u in colour. And favourite.

ALSO CAIT. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. c:

[Tombi]

Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune

England and Australia have the same spelling. Derp.

And yes, I believe there is. You know how the language is called English? Well shouldn't that mean the English people know how to spell things the most accurately? So. There is a u in colour. And favourite.

ALSO CAIT. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. c:

And aluminium is pronounced HOW IT'S SPELT, too. Al-yoo-min-ee-um, not al-oo-min-um, you absolute freaks, you.

SO AM I XANTHE. xD No seriously I really wanna get it done, ugh. Hopefully it'll be up soon!

[Graceful_Suicune]

Originally Posted by Tombi

And aluminium is pronounced HOW IT'S SPELT, too. Al-yoo-min-ee-um, not al-oo-min-um, you absolute freaks, you.

SO AM I XANTHE. xD No seriously I really wanna get it done, ugh. Hopefully it'll be up soon!

xDDD I say it more like 'al-a-min-yem'. Odd! Bahaha, oh you. x)

WOO FOR BEING EXCITEMENT. c: I hope so too. :D Although I can't say the same for Howling--I haven't written any of that in ages. x_x

[3m0d0ll]

Originally Posted by Tombi

And aluminium is pronounced HOW IT'S SPELT, too. Al-yoo-min-ee-um, not al-oo-min-um, you absolute freaks, you.

SO AM I XANTHE. xD No seriously I really wanna get it done, ugh. Hopefully it'll be up soon!

;__; B-but that's how we spell it... 'Aluminum'.
And it's Lieutenant, not Left tenant.
My dad and I were discussing this the other day, actually. He asked me why Brits call a 'Lieutenant' 'Left tenant'. I said 'maybe it's because bathrooms are on the left..?' We thought it was pretty funny...
Anyway... Yeah. TYPE FASTER. :3

[Graceful_Suicune]

Originally Posted by 3m0d0ll

;__; B-but that's how we spell it... 'Aluminum'.
And it's Lieutenant, not Left tenant.
My dad and I were discussing this the other day, actually. He asked me why Brits call a 'Lieutenant' 'Left tenant'. I said 'maybe it's because bathrooms are on the left..?' We thought it was pretty funny...
Anyway... Yeah. TYPE FASTER. :3

But it's not spelled like that. It's correctly spelled as 'aluminium'.
Left tenant? o.o *does not compute*
I don't get it. DDDx I say 'lieutenant'...

~GS.

[Tombi]

We say both. Left tenant probably has some form of meaning in the British Army or something.

ANYWAY. Definitely trying to get the next chapter up tonight, you have no idea how badly I wanna get it finished. Dx