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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 11-30-2010, 09:11 PM
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Default Legend: Tohjo

Welcome to my latest fanfiction! :D

This is not really a trainer fic, but it is rather interesting. I'll let you guys read and figure out what kind of story this is, since you all are smart people. It's a rather interesting experiment I'm creating, so take this story for a ride and hold on! But I will say that part of the title is inspired off of a new kind of card in the TCG; LEGEND cards. Two is a common theme throughout the fanfiction; even the story takes place in two regions.

I guess since Pokémon didn't use this, take the first thirteen seconds of this trailer as the teaser for this.

Legend
Tohjo
.::0::.

Quote:
Prologue: Frozen World

As his rather short life flashed before his eyes, Jokull knew his home would never survive. He knew so little about himself and this place, but yet he already knew its fate. It was his destiny that he was unsure about.

His birthplace, some Pokémon had said when they passed by Jokull in disdain of his presence, was one of the most desolate places on earth. Many Pokémon had called this place the Giant Hole; a place of total disarray and subzero temperatures. Jokull had never strayed too far off of this place, since he had never dared to leave his home. He had always felt a strange presence here. It was eerily hiemal, but at the same time, so warm and comfortable. He didn’t want to leave. But at this point in time, it was inevitable.

Mauro starred into the golden skies in sheer concentration. He was Jokull’s partner and best friend, and a Pokémon, whereas Jokull was human. Mauro was an Absol; in other words, a very furry, slender feline Pokémon with a white coat covering most of his body, excluding his face, his sickle-like horn coming from the side of his head, black claws on each of his four feet, and a scythe-shaped tail. On his head right above his face on a large tuft of white hair protruded a black oval, something Mauro said he used to sense potential disasters. Jokull had a lot of respect for him, since Mauro was the only one that seemed to accept him as a person, other than Arethusa, but both of them hoped she was long gone by now.

“A star is coming,” Mauro said, standing on a large gray rock protruding the snow, which was melting from the mild heat something in the sky seemed to be emanating. “No; it’s a comet. But why is it here? It shouldn’t be... it already appeared ten years ago.”

“A comet?” Jokull asked, looking at the ground in disappointment. “It’s melting the snow. I can’t bring any of it back. My powers aren’t working.”

Mauro nodded, scratching the side of its head with his claw. “It’s too hot right now. Water is quickly escaping the atmosphere to make way for the comet. We don’t have long, Jokull. We need to leave.”

Jokull looked towards the mountain spearheading the Giant Hole. He never had a chance to explore that mountain, even though each time he tried to make his way over there, a voice always tried to explain that he shouldn’t pass. Each time, he would get a little further, and now he had no chance. But Mauro was right. The realm they were in presently would be inescapable should the forest on the real side be destroyed, which at this point was inevitable. They both grabbed hold of the rock, and half-smiled at each other in discontent. They could never return to this barren paradise of frost. Looking around for the final time, they disappeared in a small column of light. They quickly reappeared in the forest where the real world was, and they could tell that they didn’t have much time left. The pond they were in front of reflected the massive amount of light coming from above to seal the forest’s doom.

“How do we get out of here?” Jokull asked, looking around to see a few ripples in the water. “Arethusa! Are you mad? You should have left a long time ago!”

Within a few moments, a very regal looking blue Pokémon with a long neck surfaced to the water. It had curled ears and an elegant horn on its melon, with an offwhite underbelly and four curved fins, not counting a tailfin coming from behind. On its back was a smooth shell that had a few blunt lumps growing out of it. She had maintained a somewhat calm expression, but she couldn’t help but seem cheerless. Arethusa was a Lapras, and seemed to be the only Pokémon there other than Mauro.

“I wanted to wait for you,” Arethusa replied, looking from Jokull to Mauro and back. “I couldn’t leave.”

Mauro grunted loudly, and then looked into the skies again. “We have no time to talk! We’ve got to find a way to get you out of here!”

Jokull squinted as he turned away from the comet slowly approaching them from overhead. “Hey; what’s that?”

Coming from the east at seemingly supersonic speed was a beam of bright red light, circling the forest intensely, as if waiting for the comet to come closer. As the trio watched from below, it bursted into a massive amount of light that approached the comet, creating immense explosions overhead. It reformed into a red beam of light that quickly approached the trio as they tried to escape its reach. But before they could get anywhere, the light absorbed the three as massive chunks leftover from the comet crashed into trees, throwing snow and debris everywhere.

But when the air cleared, the trio had already disappeared.

~Professor Geoffrey
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Last edited by Professor Geoffrey; 12-05-2010 at 03:18 AM.
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Old 11-30-2010, 09:11 PM
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Default Re: Legend: Tohjo

Chapter Index
N. Frozen World
I. Mt. Moon
II. Rota
III. Cerulean City - Coming soon.
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Last edited by Professor Geoffrey; 12-04-2010 at 04:36 PM.
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Old 11-30-2010, 09:11 PM
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Default Re: Legend: Tohjo

Character Index
Jokull - Native to the Giant Hole in Unova. Orphan. He possesses ice powers, and apparently has a parent that is a legendary Pokémon.
Mauro - Native to the Giant Hole in Unova, however born in Forina, Hoenn.
Arethusa - Native to the Giant Hole in Unova.
Arezo - Native to the now destroyed Millennium Comet. Child of Jirachi.
Erasmus - Native to the now destroyed Millennium Comet. Child of Jirachi.
Tamesis - King of a tribe in the Unova region. Can transform into a Zoroark.
Medwin - Lord of a tribe in Rota, Kanto. Child of Mew.
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Last edited by Professor Geoffrey; 12-12-2010 at 07:41 AM.
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Old 11-30-2010, 09:12 PM
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Default Re: Legend: Tohjo

Cool Stuff


Coming soon.
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Last edited by Professor Geoffrey; 11-30-2010 at 11:34 PM.
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  #5  
Old 12-01-2010, 12:10 AM
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Default Re: Legend: Tohjo

ARGH, it's annoying when people put their stories in quotes because then I can't quote you! Dx And it's squished...in that box. xD I'll just have to copy and paste.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
Jokull had never strayed too far off of this place, since he had never dared to leave his home.
I think this sentence is perhaps saying the same thing twice. o: If that place is his home... Also, instead of 'too far off of', I think 'too far from' would work better. :3 Too many Fs otherwise. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
Mauro starred into the golden skies in sheer concentration.
Should be 'stared', since 'starred' is when "he starred in the musical Chicago". xD
Also, I think that you shouldn't introduce him so fast as Jokull's partner and best friend. And by telling us that one's human and one's pokemon, it doesn't really give us a chance to figure it out on our own. o: Maybe you should describe them first, giving us time to process and guess, and then tell us their species. x)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
Mauro was an Absol; in other words, a very furry, slender feline Pokémon with a white coat covering most of his body, excluding his face, his sickle-like horn coming from the side of his head, black claws on each of his four feet, and a scythe-shaped tail.
Feline...? I never would have thought that, but I guess that's your interpretation. xD Also, calling them 'paws' is more accurate than 'feet'. I also think that revealing his features as he does things with them is a better way to introduce a character and their appearance, as I was once told. x)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
It shouldn’t be... it already appeared ten years ago.”
Are these two separate sentences? o: I think they are, so the little I in 'it' should be a capital. o:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
Mauro nodded, scratching the side of its head with his claw.
"its" head? D: Also, at first I imagined he was using his front leg, so maybe you should specify. o:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
They quickly reappeared in the forest where the real world was, and they could tell that they didn’t have much time left.
I don't think you should state outright that that's the 'real world'. o: It seems like something we should be fed slowly, or to figure out ourselves.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
It had curled ears and an elegant horn on its melon, with an offwhite underbelly and four curved fins, not counting a tailfin coming from behind. On its back was a smooth shell that had a few blunt lumps growing out of it. She had maintained a somewhat calm expression, but she couldn’t help but seem cheerless.
Why did you switch from saying "it" to "she"? o: You should stick with one the whole way through. I'd stick with she, because it's fairly obvious that the pokemon revealing herself is who they were talking about, who has already been deemed female.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
As the trio watched from below, it bursted into a massive amount of light that approached the comet, creating immense explosions overhead.
Don't know if 'bursted' is an actual word. xD It's just 'burst'. And I noticed earlier that you used 'massive amount of light' earlier too. o: I reckon it would fit better as "it erupted into a blinding expanse of light" or something.

So far it's really short so I can't comment much, but I like the suspense you've created by opening with something anyone would panic over. I'm really excited to see two of my favourite pokemon appear, and I'm left really wondering what's going on. o: It'll be really interesting to see what happens from here, and what this story in general is going to be about.

I'm somewhat confused about all this light and how they were teleported, and also what Jokull's powers are! 8D And I'm wondering where they teleported to; it must be close to where they were living. And what's up with Arethusa? o: Aside from having a cool name, I know even less about her than the others, which makes her mysterious and I'm wondering why she is there; why she didn't leave like Jokull said, and why he wanted her to leave. So many questions! xDD

Anyhow, I'm excited to see you post more. x)

~GS.
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Old 12-01-2010, 01:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune View Post
ARGH, it's annoying when people put their stories in quotes because then I can't quote you! Dx And it's squished...in that box. xD I'll just have to copy and paste.



I think this sentence is perhaps saying the same thing twice. o: If that place is his home... Also, instead of 'too far off of', I think 'too far from' would work better. :3 Too many Fs otherwise. xD



Should be 'stared', since 'starred' is when "he starred in the musical Chicago". xD
Also, I think that you shouldn't introduce him so fast as Jokull's partner and best friend. And by telling us that one's human and one's pokemon, it doesn't really give us a chance to figure it out on our own. o: Maybe you should describe them first, giving us time to process and guess, and then tell us their species. x)



Feline...? I never would have thought that, but I guess that's your interpretation. xD Also, calling them 'paws' is more accurate than 'feet'. I also think that revealing his features as he does things with them is a better way to introduce a character and their appearance, as I was once told. x)



Are these two separate sentences? o: I think they are, so the little I in 'it' should be a capital. o:



"its" head? D: Also, at first I imagined he was using his front leg, so maybe you should specify. o:



I don't think you should state outright that that's the 'real world'. o: It seems like something we should be fed slowly, or to figure out ourselves.



Why did you switch from saying "it" to "she"? o: You should stick with one the whole way through. I'd stick with she, because it's fairly obvious that the pokemon revealing herself is who they were talking about, who has already been deemed female.



Don't know if 'bursted' is an actual word. xD It's just 'burst'. And I noticed earlier that you used 'massive amount of light' earlier too. o: I reckon it would fit better as "it erupted into a blinding expanse of light" or something.

So far it's really short so I can't comment much, but I like the suspense you've created by opening with something anyone would panic over. I'm really excited to see two of my favourite pokemon appear, and I'm left really wondering what's going on. o: It'll be really interesting to see what happens from here, and what this story in general is going to be about.

I'm somewhat confused about all this light and how they were teleported, and also what Jokull's powers are! 8D And I'm wondering where they teleported to; it must be close to where they were living. And what's up with Arethusa? o: Aside from having a cool name, I know even less about her than the others, which makes her mysterious and I'm wondering why she is there; why she didn't leave like Jokull said, and why he wanted her to leave. So many questions! xDD

Anyhow, I'm excited to see you post more. x)

~GS.
Arggh! But I created that idea since it makes the chapters prettier! You could just cut the quotes, if you wanted...

If only my friends at school went through my writing just like this, with a fine comb... it would be heaven. xD

Lots of mistakes that I seem to make... Most of these being rather common! I'm a fast typer, and I don't like to proofread my work to check for grammar and spelling errors (which is a bad combination for any kind of author), and I'm still trying to digest the story in my mind. I literally just thought of this idea while I was typing it up, but I can guarantee that I have a better idea of what I'm going to do right now. =]

The funny thing about the triple-dotted sentences - I always thought that they meant a longer pause than a period. But then again, PE2K was where I learned the infamous mistake people make when they put a period as opposed to a comma within quotes if they want to continue on saying "he/she/it said." And I always thought I was a grammar freak. Dx

But great insight on many of the other things. For some reason, the switching pronoun mistake is the one I always dread getting, and I keep pushing myself not to forget. But I still see it's slipping through. I'll get it right someday... Or not. xD

I love seeing two of my favorite Pokémon appear, too. I can't wait to expand on it all in the next chapter... Which I'll post right now, but I didn't look over it, so there will probably be tons of mistakes there, since it's a whopping five pages long in MS Word (thus the reason for it not catching any of the mistakes you listed, excluding "bursting." I always thought that was a word, for some reason...).

I will do all of the editing first thing tomorrow morning! 8D

And thanks for commenting! I love it when people actually shed insight on what I've written so far, especially on the day I post the actual work. Hopefully, that's a good sign. x3

~Professor Geoffrey
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Last edited by Professor Geoffrey; 12-01-2010 at 02:07 AM.
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Old 12-01-2010, 02:03 AM
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Default Re: Legend: Tohjo

And here's the second chapter. Not too much plot development here; just a lot of information I probably should be revealing over time. xP

.::I::.
Chapter One: Mt. Moon

Jokull had a terrible headache when he awoke. He remembered getting these whenever he tried to explore outside of the forest of the Giant Hole. They normally deterred him from leaving, and this was the worst it had ever been. He knew he was no longer in the Giant Hole. It felt a if the comet was near, because similar energies seemed to surround him. Trying to get up, he analyzed his surroundings. It was a dim, rocky cave, and he was alone. The only thing lighting it was a colossal, glowing stone from above. There was a small pond in the middle, and there seemed to be no way out. He looked at his hands and clenched them into fists, and then back to the shallow pond. It was quickly freezing over, much to his pleasure. It was relieving his headache a little, not to mention a lot of stress. But where was Mauro? Where was Arethusa? What had happened?

You’re making it much too cold in here, Jokull, a feminine voice said from outside the cave.

He looked around. “Where are you?”

The stone above you, the voice said again. It’s healing me. Both of our homes were destroyed, Jokull. Your frozen world, and my Millennium Comet. There’s no way of fixing them now.

Jokull bit his lip, and motioned his hand to unfreeze the pool, which thankfully did not affect his headache at all. “What happened? Who are you?”

The voice giggled. My name is Arezo. I’m a daughter of a very powerful Jirachi. This stone came from the moon, and is fixing me as we speak. I lived on the comet that came crashing down on your home, and unfortunately, when my home was crashing, none of my siblings knew what to do.

“Where are my friends?”

My siblings are attending to their injuries. Don’t worry; they’re just fine. Just a little bruised. However, I wanted to attend to you myself, Jokull.

In somewhat brighter light than the stone had radiated, the red beam he saw circling around the forest before he fell unconscious had appeared and was now circling the cave. It quickly formed a small Pokémon that floated calmly above the shallow pool, its levitation forming small ripples in the water. The Pokémon was fairylike in appearance; its head took the shape of a yellow star, and its body looked as if it were the tail of light following a comet in the middle of the night. There was a crease on its stomach, as if it would open up for some purpose. It had three, red ribbons on its stellar head; one on the center point, and one on each point coming from both sides of its head. But the only thing that was really moving was its golden “cape” that flowed like wavy water, as if the wind was blowing, even though it wasn’t.

Jokull,” it said via telepathy, smiling brightly, “I am Arezo.

Jokull raised an eyebrow skeptically. “How do you know my name?”

It is because you’re a fellow legend,” Arezo explained, levitating over towards him. “I am unsure as to which Pokémon you were born from, but we are one in the same in many ways, Jokull.

“How could I be a child of a Pokémon?” Jokull asked, confused. “I’m a human.”

So am I,” Arezo spoke matter-of-factly. “I just prefer to be in my alternate form right now. I heal faster this way.

Jokull shook his head, not convinced. “You still didn’t answer my question. How can a human be the child of a Pokémon?”

Arezo sighed, nodding vacantly. “You see, when the universe was born, there were nothing but Pokémon. Eventually, there was a legendary Pokémon that created humans, but many of the other Pokémon weren’t too happy about it. Thankfully, the Pokémon who created humans was feared and very powerful, so very few Pokémon actually questioned her. This soon led to Pokémon breeding with humans, but this practice was eventually discouraged after a very long time.

“Tell me more.”

Beaming brightly, Arezo nodded with a twinkle in her eye. “As you wish.

Suddenly, the crease on her stomach opened, revealing a third eye that seemed to take Jokull by surprise. It shot a green light at the pool as Arezo floated backwards, forming images in the water. Looking at what Arezo was creating, he saw several different powerful-looking Pokémon line up at a large hallway in the sky, one of which looked a lot like Arezo, only with blue ribbons on its star-shaped head, which he figured must have been Jirachi.

This place you see is called the Hall of Origin,” Arezo said, narrating the pictures Jokull was seeing. “The giant quadruped Pokémon you see with golden lights coming from it is the creator of the universe, Arceus. He sees everything, having created all of the dimensions aside from the one we are in now, not including Khaos. Each of these legendary Pokémon are allowed to have multiple human children, excluding the more powerful Pokémon that ruled the world, which were only allowed to have one at a time.

After Jokull had seen the mighty picture of Arceus fade away, it reappeared along with several other Pokémon that looked just as mighty.

An earthquake brewed, shaking the entire cave, throwing Arezo off-balance, and shutting its third eye. All the light in the cave, excluding the little that came from the stone coming from the ceiling, had dissipated. Arezo was growing larger, and seemed to transform into a more humanoid shape. Her star-shaped head melted into a feminine head, soon sprouting long, platinum blonde hair. The white body with the third eye she once had became much like his, only more slender, extremely pale, and cleaner in appearance. Her cape had wrapped around her, forming a golden shirt and blue jeans, as the red ribbons that once were on her head formed a red choker necklace and two ruby-red earrings. As this was happening instantaneously, Jokull stared in disbelief. This was the first human he had ever laid eyes on besides himself.

He had no time to concentrate, though. Almost as if it were instinct, Jokull could tell that it was a cave very much like the realm where the mountain he always wanted to explore was, that could be travelled to and from the real world via a special item. The only thing that felt anything like that one rock he and Mauro used to travel often, bridging the real world and this cave, was the gigantic stone from above.

And he knew that should the same object on the other side be destroyed, the bridge would share the same fate, keeping them stuck in this fake realm.

Carrying Arezo over his shoulder, he waved his hand and made a glacial staircase from the pond that expanded and ascended to the stone above. Climbing them quickly, he could feel her shivering unconsciously.

Hang in there, Arezo, Jokull thought to himself as he grabbed hold of the bottom tip of the stone. Almost there.

Conjuring as much concentration as he could, he disappeared in an identical column of light that had helped him cross the bridge that separated his home realm and the real world, as the cave eventually collapsed on itself, causing the colossal stone to snap in half and lose all of its light.

*

Once he had appeared on the other side, Arezo’s siblings, appearing in human form and looking somewhat similar to her, however wearing an assortment of blue jewelry, were in a cave somewhat similar to the one she and Jokull were just in, however opening up to a few different passageways surrounding an identical stone hanging from the ceiling. Along with them seemed a very renewed Mauro and Arethusa, who – right after seeing and smiling at Jokull – turned into two beams of red light that became absorbed in two orbs, each half red and half white, with a white button in the middle. They were being held by the eldest of Arezo’s siblings, a male that seemed to be just as old as she was.

“Don’t worry; they’re safe inside here,” he explained before Jokull could ask. “We need to get out of here. The children of Regirock are shaking the entire mountain!”

“Regirock?” asked Jokull.

“No time to explain!” a girl replied, taking Jokull by the wrist as he was still carrying Arezo. “We need to leave!”

Nodding even though no one could see him, Jokull ran ahead and followed the dark passageways, as the earthquakes seemed to get stronger.

“Ughn…” Arezo seemed to be stirring, grunting as she woke. “Jokull...?”

“The children of Regirock are here!” Jokull shouted, putting Arezo down on her feet as carefully as possible. He suddenly felt a hole in the ground open up right in front of him, as the earth continued to shake and stalactites harmlessly fell around them, missing them at every corner. Three men with shirts that sported seven yellow dots forming the letter H jumped from the hole in the floor, each with several boulders for arms.

“You called?” laughed the one furthest to the left, who seemed the biggest in stature but unintelligent in personality.

The middle one cleared his throat. “You’re cornered. Get them, boys!”

Before they could hurl their boulders at them, Jokull lifted his arm and slapped the air, forming fast, icy air at them. “Not so fast!”

The air seemed to flash-freeze in their presence, icing the Regirock children in their place, but Jokull knew it wouldn’t last long.

“Hurry – this way!”

Right when they joined the other siblings in going back to the main room, he could hear the crunching of ice as the Regirock brothers seemed to break free.

“You guys go on ahead,” Jokull said, turning towards the passageway where he knew the Regirock trio would appear from at any moment. “I’ll follow later. I’ve got some business to take care of.

The eldest of the Jirachi siblings took the semi-conscious Arezo in hand and nodded, running the other way. “We’ll meet you outside!”

Within a few moments, several boulders made their way out of the passageway from where they came, flying in Jokull’s direction, but with a few motions of his hands, he sliced them in half as if they were twigs. Soon, the Regirock trio made their way out, chuckling to themselves.

“Heh, you ain’t half bad, kid,” the middle guy said, raising his arm, ready to throw more boulders at Jokull. “But no cigar.”

“Freeze!” Jokull exclaimed, using both of his hands this time, forming a large gust of glacious wind, shaping the three brothers into crystalline masterpieces. Evaluating his work for a quick second, he ran in the other direction, using the ice from his hand to help him blast through the passageway, quickly making his way outside.

It was much like the mountain at the Giant Hole, only titanic in comparison. It was snowy outside, much to Jokull’s delight, but he knew he couldn’t be happy for long. As he caught up with the Jirachi siblings, he turned around and froze the entranceway shut with more winds of frost, sealing it for the time being. He knew that this past few enchantments would last a little longer, but not for too long.

Arezo put her hand on his shoulder, to Jokull’s surprise, but he quickly regained tranquil state. “We’re forming a beam again, like the one I used to get the three of you out of that forest. This time, we’re going to a village nearby that will keep us safe. The guardian of that village is a lot like us, so once we get there, don’t be alarmed.”

Jokull reluctantly smiled. “Okay. Just tell me what to do.”

Arezo turned around, nodding, grabbing a hold of her twin’s hand, who in turn formed a chain with their other siblings. They quickly transformed into a beam of periwinkle that was wrapping around Jokull, lifting him high in the air, flying him far away from the mountain.

The last thing he saw coming from the mountain was a thin blast of orange light he recognized as a Hyper Beam attack, but they were so far away by that time that it did nothing but waste the Regirock trio’s time.

And before he knew it, they were right on a straight and narrow path to a valley between several other mountains, filling Jokull with the feeling of home.

~Professor Geoffrey
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Last edited by Professor Geoffrey; 12-01-2010 at 11:20 AM.
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Old 12-01-2010, 12:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
Arggh! But I created that idea since it makes the chapters prettier! You could just cut the quotes, if you wanted...

If only my friends at school went through my writing just like this, with a fine comb... it would be heaven. xD
xDD Well when I quote you nothing in the quote comes up. Dx Plus, I dunno, I just find it annoying. xDDD Sorry. Dx I'm just picky like that. xDD

xDDD Hahaha, well that's why I'm here. 8D

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
Lots of mistakes that I seem to make... Most of these being rather common! I'm a fast typer, and I don't like to proofread my work to check for grammar and spelling errors (which is a bad combination for any kind of author), and I'm still trying to digest the story in my mind. I literally just thought of this idea while I was typing it up, but I can guarantee that I have a better idea of what I'm going to do right now. =]

The funny thing about the triple-dotted sentences - I always thought that they meant a longer pause than a period. But then again, PE2K was where I learned the infamous mistake people make when they put a period as opposed to a comma within quotes if they want to continue on saying "he/she/it said." And I always thought I was a grammar freak. Dx

But great insight on many of the other things. For some reason, the switching pronoun mistake is the one I always dread getting, and I keep pushing myself not to forget. But I still see it's slipping through. I'll get it right someday... Or not. xD
xDD Haha, I always get the same things as well. xDD Like a lot of the time I'll have "that" instead of "than" or something. xD Haha, I'm kind of a fast typer. But yeah, I get what you mean. ^^ Haha, I love going through my chapters, and I tend to pick up on a lot of my mistakes--but I always miss heaps at the same time. xDD I'm actually better when reading through other people's stories and picking up on their mistakes. xD Ironic that way, isn't it? xD Oh, really? Good on ya! That's how I used to roll. x)

Did you know that the three dots in a row is called an ellipsis? xD Cool, huh? But yeah, isn't that what it is? A pause/someone trailing of...? (xD) I learned that too! xDDDD I always used to have a period and then a capital S for She or whatever. xDD Haha, same here! xD Silly me. And you. xD

Oh, thanks. ^^ Oh, really? See, I have a hate for when people refer to pokemon as "it"s if the story's from a pokemon's point of view (since I figure a pokemon shouldn't be calling another an it, and that they'd be able to identify the gender, since us humans can do it!), so from that branches me being touchy about when they're referred to as "it"s in other situations. xD Haha, someday sounds good. x)

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Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
I love seeing two of my favorite Pokémon appear, too. I can't wait to expand on it all in the next chapter... Which I'll post right now, but I didn't look over it, so there will probably be tons of mistakes there, since it's a whopping five pages long in MS Word (thus the reason for it not catching any of the mistakes you listed, excluding "bursting." I always thought that was a word, for some reason...).

I will do all of the editing first thing tomorrow morning! 8D

And thanks for commenting! I love it when people actually shed insight on what I've written so far, especially on the day I post the actual work. Hopefully, that's a good sign. x3

~Professor Geoffrey
Me too! 8D It's so awesome. I also love it when it's an eeveelution, because then I know the author's not prejudiced against "popular" pokemon. >.> It's nice to see someone write about a pokemon because they love it for what it is, not that they love it for what it isn't. But that's another story. A long one. xD (Get it? Since we're talking about stories...? Ha ha, ha... Okay, sorry. Bad joke. xD) Okay, cool. Oh, really? o: How many words is that? Usually an average chapter for me is about 7-8 pages, with 1000+ words on each page. But I have a really weird sense of a page size. xD With size 10 font and no spaces between paragraphs or speech. xD Which is why it takes me so long to post things here!
Oh, well 'bursting' is a word, but you wrote 'bursted'. x)

Alright, awesome. :3

No worries! 8D Haha, I love it too, which is why I do it to other people. And since I like their stories of course. xDD Hehe. I'll try to keep up with you. ;P

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Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
And here's the second chapter. Not too much plot development here; just a lot of information I probably should be revealing over time. xP
You mean the FIRST?! xDD And, haha, probably!

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Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
Jokull had a terrible headache when he awoke.
Sorry...being picky again. Dx If you describe his headache as opposed to telling us he had one, it would make it more interesting. o: Like, saying that it felt as if something was beating against his skull repeatedly, or that it felt as if his brain was being constricted by something, or something like that. xDD I dunno.

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Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
But where was Mauro? Where was Arethusa? What had happened?
For some reason I think the last question should be "And what had happened" since it's the last of the three questions. o: You don't have to change it. xD Just a thought.

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Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
Jokull,” it said via telepathy, smiling brightly, “I am Arezo.
The description of Arezo and here, you called her an it. Dx

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Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
It had three, red ribbons on its stellar head;
You don't need that comma, since you're calling it a colour and it's the first stage of description. xD Don't forget that stating the number isn't stating the first word of description!

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Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
Jokull raised an eyebrow skeptically. “How do you know my name?”
xDDD That's what I'd wanna know!

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Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
As this was happening instantaneously, Jokull stared in disbelief. This was the first human he had ever laid eyes on besides himself.
Even though he had no time to concentrate, I think he should have a flicker of a thought regarding her difference in body shape and face composure if he has never seen another human, since females are really different to males. x) Or he should think about it after sometime. I think it's something someone who hasn't see the opposite sex before would think about. o: I know I'd be like "WOAH. You're not the same as me!" xD

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Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
Carrying Arezo over his shoulder, he waved his hand and made a glacial staircase from the pond that expanded and ascended to the stone above. Climbing them quickly, he could feel her shivering unconsciously.
OH, SHE'S UNCONSCIOUS! xDDDDDD I didn't realise this, and I just had this image of him carrying her randomly, while she's just like "Um...I...I can walk." But she's actually unconscious. xDDD You might want to mention it after she transforms--that she collapsed or something, and that may be when Jokull realises she's unconscious. xD

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Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
Before they could hurl their boulders at them, Jokull lifted his arm and slapped the air, forming fast, icy air at them. “Not so fast!”
Instead of having 'air' written two times so close, change the second one to 'current' or something.
I think he should say that before he does the action, because when it's after what he just did, it's kinda like there's not much point. xD

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Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
“Heh, you ain’t half bad, kid,” the middle guy said, raising his arm, ready to throw more boulders at Jokull. “But no cigar.”
I just ain't so sure they'd know what a cigar is. o:

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Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
He knew that this past few enchantments would last a little longer, but not for too long.
Should be either 'these past few' or 'his past few'. I think it's supposed to be 'his'. ^^

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Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
They quickly transformed into a beam of periwinkle that was wrapping around Jokull, lifting him high in the air, flying him far away from the mountain.
xDDDDDDD "Periwinkle"! That's such a cute word! xDDDD

Cool! 8D More revelations! Though most is still pretty hazy to me. xDD But I'm really interested about Arezo and stuff. o: And her siblings. x) They all sound so nice, or Arezo does, at least. I wonder why they decided to help Mauro and Jokall and...the other (the spelling throws me off, and I know I can just look, but I'm lazy xD). Maybe it was because they felt bad that their home destroyed someone else's and thus it became their duty to take responsibility from the consequences. How responsible. ^^ Though I'm just theorising. xD

It was so random that the regirock children decided to attack. o: I wonder what their reason was. Though they sounded like stupid teenagers who wanted to pick a fight, so hey. xD That's probably reason enough. Yet they're silly for destroying so much and putting others in danger!

Also, it annoyed me that you kept calling her jirachi form an it. Dx But then as soon as she became human she was a she. o: I'd expect, since it's from Jokall's point of view, that she's be a she until she turned into a human, in which form he wouldn't be able to identify the gender necessarily, since he hadn't seen another human before--let alone a girl. o: Also, when she was unconscious in Jokall's possession, wouldn't her siblings say something? xD At least, be a little surprise of her unconsciousness? xD

Another concern was to beware of how many times you use the word 'said'. It's very plain and SHOULD BE BANNED. LOL. Well, it's much better to say something else whenever you can, or at least say HOW they've said it. Also, I'd say to include more actions and things like facial expressions or characters' body language and stuff, and take the time to describe the scenery and stuff. :3 It adds to the story's interestingness (yes, I know that's not a word xD) and it also helps to paint the picture for us. 8D

~GS.
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Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 12-01-2010 at 12:57 PM.
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  #9  
Old 12-02-2010, 09:47 PM
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Default Re: Legend: Tohjo

Ugh. I put a whole bunch of comments next to your critique, and the page expired and it all deleted. xP

Mainly the stuff about the Regirock trio, though, is that the reason that they would know what a cigar has not been revealed. You'll see. ;]

Expect the next chapter later. =D

~Professor Geoffrey
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Old 12-03-2010, 09:35 AM
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Default Re: Legend: Tohjo

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Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
Ugh. I put a whole bunch of comments next to your critique, and the page expired and it all deleted. xP

Mainly the stuff about the Regirock trio, though, is that the reason that they would know what a cigar has not been revealed. You'll see. ;]/COLOR]
Oh, I HATE that. +_+ But when the page expires, you can just click the back button and it's all still there. xD But yeah, I hate how it does that... D: How annoying!

I know, but saying the expression without knowing what he meant is the thing I wanted to point out. I would expect him to replace 'cigar' with something he'd actually be familiar with, like 'banana' or something! xDDDD

I thought about your story yesterday and about how I wanted to read another chapter soon. xD Hope it is soon!

~GS.
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Old 12-04-2010, 02:31 PM
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Default Re: Legend: Tohjo

Here's the third second chapter! More revelations, but not as much this time.

.::II::.
Chapter Two: Rota

When the beam of light had brought Jokull near the peaks of the mountains, he swore he could see a white castle down south, far away. He could feel so many people there that it was starting to give him a headache, but Arezo and her siblings, still forming that beam, had somehow sensed this and lowered him downwards towards a village with a very little population, which by the time he was fully lowered to the ground, he figured that there was at most forty people forming the population. The beam of light stretched itself out of grasping Jokull, reforming into their human appearances. Arezo took Jokull’s hand attempting to ease him.

“I’ve been through this before,” Arezo whispered in his ear as they walked through the entrance to the village. “Don’t worry. These are all ordinary people. They don’t have the kind of power we posses. The man we’re looking for is in a temple spearheading this place.”

Jokull nodded and slightly raised an eyebrow as people stopped their daily chores around their tents to stop and stare. “Are you sure they aren’t suspicious?”

Arezo squeezed his hand tighter as they made a left turn. “They think we are. We are in their village, remember? Oh! Here we are! The temple is right ahead.”

As Jokull and Arezo were walking on towards the temple, they couldn’t help but stop and stare. It was made of stone, with columns made of earthy-looking Pokémon. A humanoid Pokémon with canine features acted as a column, holding its left paw up to support the roof. There were also two, petite feline Pokémon with long tails on each side of it doing the same, but the Lucario was far more notable since it was the only one with any coloring, albeit only in the eyes, where instead of actual, carved eyes, there were rubies. When the two traversed the steps, Arezo’s siblings stopped.

“Erasmus?” Arezo asked, turning around briefly to see her twin brother impede their siblings. “Is this the end?”

“For now,” Erasmus replied, taking the two orbs out of his pocket. He ran up the stairs and gave them to Jokull, who in turn stared at them for a few moments. “Arezo will show you how they work. Like I said, they’re safe in there. They’re called Poké Balls. They hold Pokémon for any period of time you wish. They often like it in there, so I’m told, so don’t worry about them feeling trapped.”

Jokull nodded, and put his arms around Erasmus in some kind of friendly embrace. “Are you going? I’m going to miss you all.” When the two let go, Arezo punched him on the arm playfully.

“I’m not leaving, you dope,” Arezo laughed. “Can’t you get a hint?”

“We, however,” Erasmus said, motioning towards his other siblings, “We have to stay. Medwin is very generous, and will provide accommodations to the needy in these times of war.”

“War? And who’s –“

“Woah there, buddy,” Arezo said, laughing. “Jokull; Medwin is the leader of this village. I’ll explain everything else later. He’s one of the eldest sons of Mew. He already knows a lot about the current situation we’re in as children of legendary Pokémon.”

Jokull sighed. He felt so ignorant, not knowing that there was a war going on. For now, at least to him, everything seemed peaceful. But after seeing the trio of Regirock children, anything was possible. And then the Millennium Comet, home to Arezo and all of her siblings; was that somehow correlated with the attack they had earlier survived? All of his questions were reasonable, and yet so few of them were answered.

Erasmus smiled at Arezo, waving his hand in front of his shoulder casually. “Good luck, and stay safe.” As he took his younger siblings aside, Erasmus waved also to Jokull, giving his final farewell, walking until they found a vacant tent close to the temple. But by that time, Jokull and Arezo had already turned around to see and open the door. As they advanced through the threshold, they couldn’t believe all the idols they saw. They were all of the same, feline Pokémon that also acted as columns on both sides of the canine Pokémon that served the same purpose, only in different shapes, sizes, poses, and metals. At the back of a room was a jovial elderly man in very regal-looking violet clothing, wielding a staff made of wood with a large diamond on the top. He was talking to a man almost as royally dressed, only in fine raspberry-red clothing, with a small, blue crown on his head, and long, dark gray hair. But when the two had entered the temple, they had stopped conversing, directing their attention at them.

“Why, if it isn’t Arezo, daughter of Jirachi!” exclaimed the old man sitting on the throne, very sanguine in expression. “I was just speaking to our rival tribe leader, King Tamesis from the Unova region. Speaking of Unova, I trust that you brought him?”

The man in red next to the old man looked at Jokull in surprise. “Lord Medwin! Is this…?”

Arezo cleared her throat, bowing deeply. “King Tamesis, Lord Medwin. I have come back, delivering Jokull of the Unova Region, as promised.”

“As promised?” Jokull asked in a half-shriek. “You mean to tell me you knew I was in the Unova region?”

Arezo turned to Jokull and nodded. “Yeah. I was planning to come at my own pace, but when I sensed that my siblings on the Millennium Comet were in danger, I rushed there first, but that so happened to be right where you were, so I grabbed you and my siblings and went to Mount Moon in the Kanto region.”

Lord Medwin rose from his throne, crossing his arms as if he were cold. “Jokull, I mean to tell you we mean no harm. We sensed your residence in the Unova region a long time ago, and we had sent an Absol named Mauro from the Hoenn region to guard you while you were there. As of the other day, we figured that it was time to bring you to light about what has been going on over the past few years before the other side got to you.”

“Mauro knew all along?” Jokull inquired, looking blankly down at the floor. “But... What about this other side you were talking about? Does it have anything to do with the war Erasmus mentioned?”

King Tamesis chortled to himself for a few moments, finally saying, “You mean to say that he does not know about what is going on? Surely someone must tell him. He is a child of a legendary Pokémon, after all, is he not?”

“That is still somewhat a question,” Medwin replied, raising his staff to his chin slowly. “We know he is a child of a legendary Pokémon. But which?”

Jokull shrugged unsurely. “I really don’t know. But about the war –“

“Hush, hush,” said Medwin, interrupting him dismissively. “All in good time. I might be able to determine your parentage, Jokull. As long as your legendary parent was born of Mew, and it is very possible as most of them are, I can analyze your entire DNA structure and see if they resemble any of the ones I’m familiar with.”

“How?”

Medwin smiled as he walked up to Jokull and placed his hand on his shoulder. “Clear your mind for a moment.”

Jokull followed his instructions. Closing his eyes, he tilted his head backwards. Memories flowed through his mind, nostalgic and bland. There was no action like there was right now, but he always felt peaceful. Even now, there was some feeling of neutrality. He knew he was told to clear his mind, but even he couldn’t help but think about everything that was going on. No one was answering him about the supposed war that was apparently going on. And now, he was going to learn his parentage by a child of Mew. Hopefully.

“Wow.”

Jokull raised an eyebrow in confusion. “What?”

“Nothing,” responded Medwin vacantly, as he stepped back. He seemed to be staring off into space, as if he were in another world. “I literally feel nothing.”

“Nothing?” asked Arezo, frowning, walking towards the absent-minded lord. “Really?”

Medwin nodded, but he didn’t change his vacant expression, as if all of the happiness had been drained from him. “I feel so... cold.”

Arezo bit her lip, pacing back and forth around the two. “He does have ice-type powers. That’s really all we know.”

Tamesis stepped forward, raising his hand as if he were allowed to speak. “The only way he can transform into his parent Pokémon is if he already knows which legendary it is. And that can only be done if children of the same Pokémon determine it or if the said Pokémon reveals himself or herself to the child. And if he is one of the mythical Pokémon, then we can really only hope for the latter.”

Arezo shook her head, clearing her throat. “No. We’ve got to try everything. We’ve got to find out who his mother or father is.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa – wait a second,” said Jokull, raising his voice and making his hands form the letter X. “Can someone explain to me why these mythical Pokémon are so special?”

Everyone stayed silent for a few moments, causing Tamesis to hesitate before answering his question. “Well, the mythical Pokémon are super-powerful Pokémon. They all swore to have one human child at a time, except Mew and the Unown, because they were already plentiful and had already trusted their children with few powers. But Pokémon like Arceus, Kyogre, Heatran cannot have more than one child.”

“So, where do we go from here?” asked an impatient Arezo, speaking almost immediately after Tamesis finished.

“I would probably say the Ruins of Alph,” answered Medwin, looking into the lustrous diamond on his staff. “They know a lot of things that I cannot answer. If they can’t tell you who your parent is, they might be able to point you in the right direction. They’re so close to Khaos that they seem to have all of the answers.”

Jokull tried to interrupt again, this time in an angrier tone, his voice focused and articulated. “What’s Khoas? What’s all of this about a war? How come no one wants to tell me anything?”

Arezo hesitated. “I... I’ll tell you later, Jokull. I promise. Just be patient for now, okay? We’re doing our best to figure everything out, but unlike the Unown, we don’t know everything, and until we do know everything, we can’t be completely sure about anything.”

“But you do know things!” Jokull retorted with an aggressive expression on his face. It was starting to get a little colder in the temple, and as he seemed to get more aggravated, even colder wind blew the door to the room right off of its hinges, providing him an escape. “Look; I want to go back home with Mauro and Arethusa. I don’t care if it’s destroyed. I miss my snow. It’s too warm out here. I hate this place!”

And without another word, he seemed to disappear into the cold wind. Arezo looked all around in confusion, but couldn’t find him, as if he were literally gone with the wind.

“Jokull?” she called out worriedly, crossing her arms to keep her warm since she was still wearing a t-shirt. “Jokull! Come back! Jokull!”

Medwin put his hand on her shoulder. “He’s not coming back, Arezo.”

Tamesis shook his head with a devious smile. “I’m not so sure, Medwin. I think I know how to get him back.”

As the cold winds began to dissipate, Arezo seemed to shed a few tears. “How?”

Still wearing that same mischievous smile, Tamesis just shook his head and chortled to himself, going off into a running start. He flipped over, and in a flash of violet light, he had changed form entirely within an instant. His new arms and legs were gray and always at least at a slight bend. The claws he had on his paws were blood red, matching the immense amount of hair coming out of his new fox-like head, which was bound by a blue stone that acted as some form of hairbow. But before Arezo or Medwin could analyze his appearance further, he had run out of the temple with dark laughter.

After exchanged worried looks with each other, Arezo stepped forth. “Medwin, we’ve got to go after him.”

Medwin agreed, setting aside his staff. After they had left his temple, they had looked around. Arezo was lost in thought; would her siblings be alright if they were able to talk Jokull back into going to the Ruins of Alph? Would they find Jokull’s mother or father legendary? And was Jokull truly destined to take part in this war? All these questions, and not enough answers.

“Are you coming?” Medwin said from behind her. She turned around in surprise, seeing that Medwin too had transformed. He had shrunk almost dramatically in size, turning into the feline Pokémon that were being depicted on each side of the canine Pokémon holding up the temple’s roof. Excluding being pink with bright green eyes and his dramatic size difference, it was as if he and the two Pokémon were triplets.

Arezo nodded, and the two ran off through the village and outward, towards the mountains, feeling the cold once more. Perhaps they weren’t hot on Jokull’s trail, but they were on the right path. We’re coming, Jokull. You can’t do this to us. Not here. Not now.

~Professor Geoffrey
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  #12  
Old 12-07-2010, 06:13 AM
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Default Re: Legend: Tohjo

Sorry about the reply delay! xD I didn't go on Pe2k for a few days so I didn't notice there was a new chapter. o:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
He could feel so many people there that it was starting to give him a headache,
Doesn't he already have a really bad headache? o:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
The beam of light stretched itself out of grasping Jokull, reforming into their human appearances.
This sentence confused me... It seems like it's saying the light reformed into their human appearances, but it should be 'lights', and I was sure the light itself wasn't them, but they created the light. o:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
“They think we are. We are in their village, remember? Oh! Here we are! The temple is right ahead.”
I think you should have more "narration" before having speech like this; it would be much better for her to stop after 'remember', then they should go around a corner, or even if it just mentions her looking forward and gasping or something, and then you should have the rest of the speech. Otherwise it's like we miss out on something, or the main thing is that, without "narration", we don't know how long it took her to say "oh" after her previous sentence.

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But Pokémon like Arceus, Kyogre, Heatran cannot have more than one child.”
Should be 'and Heatran'.

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Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
Arezo nodded, and the two ran off through the village and outward, towards the mountains, feeling the cold once more.
I just can't imagine a mew running without laughing. xDDD I'd change that to point out the fact that Medwin was levitating. x)

Nice new chapter! I had no idea Jokull was a son of a Legendary! But it makes sense because of his powers, and also as to why they wanted to get to him before the other side. When that was first mentioned, I was wondering why they would want to get to some ordinary human, but it made sense once I realised who he was. But, in saying that, I didn't know Jokull knew. I mean, if he doesn't know his parents and has no idea which pokemon he's a son of, or even that he didn't know about why the Legendaries are special, I'd think that he wouldn't know he was a Legendary's son. It's strange he knew that but nothing else, but I guess I might find that out. o:

Also, Medwin's the leader of the village, but then why is Tamesis the king then? o: Are their two leaders, or does the leader and the king have separate duties and positions? Or is King Tamesis the king of not just this place, but everywhere else, and then Medwin's just the leader of the village? o: Also, Tamesis turned into a zoroark? xD This is the first story I've seen a Gen 5 pokemon in. I thought I might, but I haven't had a reason to yet. xD Also, he sounded evil or something when he laughed darkly and just left. Though I think I know why he's mischievous and smiling deviously and all that. xD He's a zoroark! But are they legendary pokemon? o: I didn't know they were... I thought they were like lucario in a sense.

Anyway. Looking forward to more. ;3

~GS.
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  #13  
Old 12-07-2010, 11:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune View Post
I just can't imagine a mew running without laughing. xDDD I'd change that to point out the fact that Medwin was levitating. x)

Nice new chapter! I had no idea Jokull was a son of a Legendary! But it makes sense because of his powers, and also as to why they wanted to get to him before the other side. When that was first mentioned, I was wondering why they would want to get to some ordinary human, but it made sense once I realised who he was. But, in saying that, I didn't know Jokull knew. I mean, if he doesn't know his parents and has no idea which pokemon he's a son of, or even that he didn't know about why the Legendaries are special, I'd think that he wouldn't know he was a Legendary's son. It's strange he knew that but nothing else, but I guess I might find that out. o:

Also, Medwin's the leader of the village, but then why is Tamesis the king then? o: Are their two leaders, or does the leader and the king have separate duties and positions? Or is King Tamesis the king of not just this place, but everywhere else, and then Medwin's just the leader of the village? o: Also, Tamesis turned into a zoroark? xD This is the first story I've seen a Gen 5 pokemon in. I thought I might, but I haven't had a reason to yet. xD Also, he sounded evil or something when he laughed darkly and just left. Though I think I know why he's mischievous and smiling deviously and all that. xD He's a zoroark! But are they legendary pokemon? o: I didn't know they were... I thought they were like lucario in a sense.

Anyway. Looking forward to more. ;3

~GS.
More great editing! Keep it coming. :3

Well, I thought "Mt. Moon" revealed he was a legendary, especially when Arezo said that they were two of a kind. Do you think I should have been more specific about something? o:

By the way, I introduced a few Generation V Pokémon in my one-shot, Sublime, and even Forever Dawn way back when. xD

Zoroark aren't legendary, but why Tamesis can transform into one will be revealed later.

Note that Medwin mentioned that he is the ruler of a different tribe; different tribe might have different rules. Medwin is the leader of his own tribe. So, Tamesis is not ruler over Medwin. Medwin just prefers a more modest title.

Oh, and the fact that Zoroark are a lot like Lucario is a recurring theme in my fanfiction. They have a constant, bitter rivalry, and they're always fighting when they see each other.

~Professor Geoffrey
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  #14  
Old 12-08-2010, 03:53 AM
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Default Re: Legend: Tohjo

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Originally Posted by Professor Geoffrey View Post
More great editing! Keep it coming. :3

Well, I thought "Mt. Moon" revealed he was a legendary, especially when Arezo said that they were two of a kind. Do you think I should have been more specific about something? o:

By the way, I introduced a few Generation V Pokémon in my one-shot, Sublime, and even Forever Dawn way back when. xD

Zoroark aren't legendary, but why Tamesis can transform into one will be revealed later.

Note that Medwin mentioned that he is the ruler of a different tribe; different tribe might have different rules. Medwin is the leader of his own tribe. So, Tamesis is not ruler over Medwin. Medwin just prefers a more modest title.

Oh, and the fact that Zoroark are a lot like Lucario is a recurring theme in my fanfiction. They have a constant, bitter rivalry, and they're always fighting when they see each other.

~Professor Geoffrey
Yay! 8D I will. :3

Oh, really? o: Well it probably did, but I wouldn't have picked up on it... Oh yeah. I forgot she said that. xD Well, I dunno. I think it's good that it's not so straightforward until later.

Oh, really? xD Cool. I plan to write about some soon. c:

Alrighty. Oh, really? Sheesh, I'm missing everything, aren't I? +_+ Sorry, I kinda fail at being smart and paying attention. xD *sees something* OH! He said he was speaking to the rival tribe leader. xDD Silly me. Got it now. c:

Oh, really? xDD Haha, that's awesome! Kind of like tradition? x)

~GS.
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Old 12-15-2010, 03:08 AM
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Default Re: Legend: Tohjo

FINALLY. A new chapter. I just got really out of place when something really tragic happened to me last week. I'm not necessarily better, but good enough to write again.

EDIT: I have to do it in two parts, because I passed the 20,000 character limit. Go figure. xP

EDIT II: I'm just going to make them two individual chapters, instead. xD

.::III::.

Jokull was panting hard as he finally appeared near a clean, calm river clear enough to see a few fishlike Pokémon swimming underwater. On both sides was clear cut grass, as if it were regularly maintained. As he sat down to rest, the dew began to freeze over each blade, a thin layer of ice formed on the water, allowing the Pokémon to continue to swim. He would normally never really mind when this happened, but now it was beginning to agitate him. Ice felt unnatural for once. And it was only because he was so far from home. He wished he could be home, in that meadow of ice and snow and of little foliage, but he didn’t know the way home. Perhaps running away wasn’t the best idea.

Hey, I actually feel kind of peaceful, he thought, trying to relax. He closed his eyes a little, but quickly felt a presence, opening them back up to scan the tranquil area. It was cold; maybe not as cold as he was, but he could feel it coming from the north. A gentle zephyr blew, bringing a few snowflakes, which took Jokull by surprise. This isn’t my doing, is it?

Jokull kept re-realizing his fatigue, however, when unexpected cramps would suddenly stir in his stomach, as if he were being clawed every so often. Turning into a chilly breeze was a power he didn’t know he possessed, but yet he somehow impulsively knew, as if it were a somewhat forgotten memory, as if he was a boy being chased through a forest that didn’t like to exercise. Perhaps it was a unique ability he had gotten from his supposed Pokémon parent, whose identity was still shrouded in mystery to him. He didn’t like all of the elusiveness, but obscurity seemed inevitable at this point.

As he clutched his belly to help counter the pain with his left hand, his left hand was still holding the Poké Balls Erasmus gave him. He had told him that Arezo was going to teach them how to work. Mauro and Arethusa are still trapped in there, he thought, biting his lip as he tried to keep the pain off balance.

But when Jokull looked into the ice, he was intrigued. Something was different about his reflection. That was his reflection, after all. Same youthful appearance. Same jet black hair, so greasy that it always appeared wet. Same dark, olive skin, slightly hairy yet clean in appearance. His clothes were all torn up; just a white short-sleeve shirt with several holes and missing pieces and ripped jeans. But other than all of that, something else was different. Something about him seemed menacing and dreadful. It took a while, but he looked closer. Instead of slivery blue irises, they were golden, with vertical, almost catlike black slits for pupils. He leaned in closer, but somehow, in some odd manner, the golden eyes appeared the same size. He moved his head completely, revealing his metallic eyes again, but the other pair was still staring at him.

Jokull, a deep, raspy voice spoke, echoing in his mind. Look up.

Jokull did as commanded, as if what this voice was saying was important. For some reason, the fact that the voice existed didn’t matter right now. What mattered was that its instructions were carried out.

A girl about his age, with long, silky, chocolaty brown hair was standing on the other size of the frozen river. Her face was a little lighter than his, and her eyes were a gorgeous solar eclipse, with somewhat-dark blue irises with a little gold around her pupils. She wore a beautiful, sparkly deep blue gown that went to her ankles, with extremely short sleeves and a rather tight fit around her waist. She had become the object of his total attention, and he couldn’t seem to unfix his eyes. Jokull’s very breath had accelerated, and he almost became afraid at the fact that his emotions were going to freeze her, but his atmospheric chill remained constant. Her right hand was gripping onto her left wrist, as if it were a juvenile clutch.

If it weren’t for her gasp and some of the growling going on behind him, he wouldn’t have averted his attention. Turning around, a very dark-colored Pokémon that was fox-like in appearance standing on its hind legs seemed to be making the growling sounds, smiling deviously and keeping a threatening stance. He had large, very prominent mane-like hair that was mostly a raspberry red. His body was grayish and bony in statue, but seemed to be useful for running long distances or quick speeds. The red claws seemed to be radiating violet energy, as if charging some kind of attack.

Jokull stood and stepped back a little, re-realizing his pain that had originally been ignored when he was appraising the girl. He took his stance, but he could tell that there was tension between him and this Pokémon. He stared at him with great concentration, as if Jokull were of some great importance to him. The violet energy wrapped around his claws withered, and he tightened his claws in frustration, grunting under his breath.

“Darn it all!” the Pokémon yelled, in a deep, yet somewhat familiar voice that Jokull realized in an instant.

“You’re Tamesis!” exclaimed Jokull, tightening his stance even further, ready to fight despite his lingering pain.

The Pokémon merely laughed, looking over at the girl. Jokull wasn’t entirely clear of his intentions, but he realized that Tamesis was going to attack when he put his focus on the girl and the violet energy returned around his claws and eventually enveloped his entire body, reforming his entire shape. He was still fox-like, but when the violet energy dissipated, he was on all fours, with clean sky-blue skin and a violet cloudlike mane flowing off its back. He now bore a mirror-shaped crest on its head, and two ribbon-like tails coming from behind, blowing south, as his new red irises moved back towards Jokull.

Unexpectedly, Jokull became aware of a chilly beam that quickly passed by from behind him in the form of a cylinder-shaped rainbow, which would have hit Tamesis in his new form, but before it could hit him he gracefully leaped out of the way to let it simply freeze the grass he was once standing on. But when he landed, Tamesis sent back a very similar beam of rainbow energy, which the girl easily dodge with a rather acrobatic cartwheel.

Jokull had to intervene; focusing as much energy as he had without hurting himself any more, he lifted all of the frost off of the waterside, making it expand and sending it at incredible speed, hitting Tamesis in the side, forcing him off balance for a split second. Though he quickly regained his balanced, he kept sending more beams of energy the girl’s way, as if the two were bitter enemies that already knew each other.

Suddenly, he felt more presences as out of the corner of his eye, a Jirachi he swore looked exactly like Arezo when in Pokémon form came levitating out of nowhere, attempting to blast beams of pink and yellow at Tamesis, intermittently protecting the girl with violet fields of psychic energy. Jokull still continued to force blasts of ice here and there, but the pain had become so overbearing that he fell over, clutching his stomach in pure agony. He felt like emitting a blood-curdling scream, but he held back his rage and merely grunted. Thankfully, for now, the battle was going on a little further down the river, just between the girl and Arezo and Tamesis. He was sort of safe for now.

Looking upwards as he rolled over on his back, Jokull saw a pink Pokémon that was about the same size as Arezo float over him, watching over him with great blue eyes. Sporting a long, pink tail, the pink being circled around him, instantly forming a pink tornado of energy. As the tornado seemed to lift him into the air, he saw a forest appear in the sky. He quickly realized that the grass he was laying on melted into air, as the riverside he was laying on turned into an entirely different environment. He was quickly but gently lifted down with psychic power. The forest was dark, the tall trees all around him blocking the very little sunlight poking through the trees. It smelled very much of pine; clean and sharp, making one feel calm and relaxed.

Jokull’s eyes fluttered. The pain he once suffered thankfully melted into drowsiness, but he had the strong inclination to doze off. He looked around one last time, verifying he was safe, and closed his eyes peacefully. There wasn’t anything he could do now, anyway. He was too exhausted, and unable to fight. The pink Pokémon didn’t seem to do this out of malevolent intentions, because it felt so serene here.

He didn’t give it another thought. Finally giving into temptation, he fell into unconsciousness as the quiet ambiance of the forest maintained its tranquil charm.

~Professor Geoffrey
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Last edited by Professor Geoffrey; 12-15-2010 at 03:12 AM.
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