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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 11-01-2010, 06:15 PM
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Default Blackout (Ready for Grading)

Target Pokemon: Magikarp (Easiest) Elekid (Simple)
Estimated Length: 5k – 10k
Actual Length : 7,319


I stood there overlooking the rest of Kanto from Silph Co. It was a new feeling to me because I had never seen Kanto from above. I looked down to Zippy who seemed to be interested in the Lemonade Stand they had up here. I chuckled and continued to look. I could see the mysterious and scary forest of Viridian, the famous Pokemon Marsh in Fuchsia City and then to the left the bike road which is where we had our first battle. I looked to Zippy and saw him trying to get some Lemonade from the stand. I walked over and paid for the Lemonade then Zippy and I sat on the bench looking out of the window. Whilst looking out I noticed the lights of a town had been turned off, then after that a chain reaction happened and every city power had been turned off.

The Silph Co Building power had been lost and Zippy and I had been lost. We were on the top floor and the elevator wasn’t working. I turned to the window and looked out. I could see outline’s of cities and towns because of the sun setting. I know I have got to find a way to get the power back on. I started to walk around the top floor till I reached a door which said “MAINTENANCE” I opened the door to find an empty office. I looked round to find the backup power. Then in the corner of the room I saw a power box and saw the switch “Back up power” I switched it on and then the room was filled with light.

As soon as I walked out of the room and middle age man came out and said “Thank You for fixing the Power here, Could you please go to the Power Plant on Route 10 and investigate why the power source has gone?”

“Sure thing sir, come on Zippy we have a job to do” I said to Zippy


As soon as I walked out from the Silph Co. I was hit by how dark it was. I used Zippy flam on its tail to guide me towards to the Power Plant on Route 10. First of all I was advised to go north towards Cerulean City the access Route 10 there. I managed to guide my self through Saffron City with light source Zippy gave me. When I reached the guardhouse at the north part of town I could see the moonlight and the stars. At least I could see what was ahead of me. I headed through Route 5 and listen to the Hoothoot calling each other, the Rattata chasing their loved ones and smelling the odd fumes from Gloom. Once we reached Cerulean City, we saw people walking round with candle light, Voltorb and Pikachu emitting sparks and light for people to see. I decided to take a rest by the lake and watch the stars, something which I haven’t done since I was a child. I looked to my left and saw an abandoned fishing rod. I walked across to it and examined it. The fishing rod was rusty, old and looks like someone had just left it here. I have always wanted to give fishing a go but I never lived near the sea or a lake. I grabbed the rod and moved the position and relaxed waiting for something to catch.

30 minutes later, I found Zippy nudging me and pointing to the rod. I went over to the rod to find a Magikarp. I heard that Magikarp are very weak Pokemon to have but evolve into a strong Pokemon. I asked Zippy if he would want to battle Magikarp and he already stepped forward like he knew what I would say.

“Zippy, Use Scratch” I ordered Zippy

Zippy ran up to Magikarp and Scratched Magikarp’s face. Magikarp just bounced up and down like it was a fish out of water.

“Nice job Zippy, Now use Ember”

Zippy knelt down to gather energy for the Ember and let small balls of fire directly to Magikarp. Magikarp flopped to Zippy and tackled Zippy.

“Zippy, Good work”

I grabbed a pokeball from my pocket and threw it at Magikarp. Magikarp went inside the Pokeball. It rolled and rolled……

After the battle I headed to the Pokemon Centre. As I walked in I noticed a bunch of Eletabuzz charging a generator. I walked to the counter and ask I Zippy could be healed.

“I am afraid we can’t heal Zippy here but we can give you some potions to make Zippy feel so much better” Said Nurse Joy

“Thank You” I replied and head off to Route 10.

Route 10 looked very scary at night and when you can barely see where you are going. I sent out Zippy so he can make me feel I am not alone. The wind was picking up now and was blowing through the trees at the foot of the Mountain. I grabbed the map that the middle age man gave me and checked where to go now. I looked ahead and could see a glow of light from the distance. Suddenly and huge thunderbolt lit up the sky, it came from the glow of light I could see in the distance. I started to walk ahead then came to a river. I looked down the river and saw the Power Plant. I couldn’t walk to it because a huge mountain was in front of it and the only way was the river. I saw a canoe by the river bank further along down the river. I hurried to the canoe and got in with Zippy. I decided to withdraw Zippy as he doesn’t like the water. I paddled down the river and reached the bank of the Power Plant. It looked abandoned and old. Then a massive thunder strike came from the building.

I wondered to the front door and looked in. I could see so many electric Pokemon surrounding this Elekid. Then a Raichu picked up the Elekid and placed him on a table. The Elekid started to produce electricity from its body. I came to a conclusion that he had somehow absorbed all the electricity from the generator and now is ill. I walked into the building and all Pokemon glared at me.

“It’s ok, I am here to help. I need to help Elekid, I have an idea” I said

15 minutes later my plan was nearly complete. I had connected Elekid to the generator so when he emitted electricity the generator would conduct it and the power will be back on. Then Elekid produced a mass of electricity and the power on the generator came back on. After a few shocks of electricity the generator was back up and running. I was about to leave when I felt and nudge on the leg. It was Elekid, and it seemed he wanted to join us. I asked it for a battle and it nodded its head.

“Let’s go Zippy, Use Flamethrower”

Zippy appeared from the Pokeball and generated a mass amount of energy and fired a long flame at Elekid. Elekid smiled and used Light Screen. Elekid was still affected by flamethrower but lower the attacks power.

“Ok Zippy, Use Fury Swipes”

Zippy ran at Elekid and attack him with his sharp claws. Elekid took the attack and unleashed a Thunderbolt attack. Zippy staggered back and is paralyzed.

“Zippy, Use Flame Wheel”

Elekid fired another thunderbolt at Zippy before he could use Flame Wheel. After being hit Zippy jumped in the air and rolled into a Flame and charged at Elekid. The light screen to some damage from the attack but Elekid still felt it.

“Nice Job, Use Flamethrower”

Elekid runs up to Zippy and hit’s him hard with a Quick Attack. Zippy gets back on his feet and unleashes a flamethrower at Elekid. The light screen reduced some power but Elekid still got hurt, Elekid is hurt by the burn of that attack.

“Zippy, Use Fury Swipes”

Elekid runs up to Zippy and use low kick. Zippy is sent to the ground behind Elekid and gets up ready for a Fury Swipes but he is paralyzed. Elekid is also hurt with burn.

“Ok, now is my chance to capture this Pokemon”

I threw a Pokeball up in the air and it landed on Elekid. Elekid went in the Pokeball and it rolled and rolled then it …….
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  #2  
Old 11-02-2010, 06:41 PM
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Post Re: Blackout (Ready for Grading)

Sorry dragoness, but this one is mine. :p
By the way, gmd, it would be better if you didn't send pms. Not because graders will get angry ir anything like that. But, for example now, there aren't many graders active. So, if you send me, I wouldn't be able to say no. Then again, it's not like I have a lot of time. Thus, I will claim your story, but it will take some time till I actually grade it. But what if in the meantime someone else could grade it? It is better waiting for some time.
Anyway, this story is claimed. I hope it is graded before Saturday.
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Old 11-08-2010, 06:38 PM
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Default Re: Blackout (Ready for Grading)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Team Pokemon View Post
Sorry dragoness, but this one is mine. :p
By the way, gmd, it would be better if you didn't send pms. Not because graders will get angry ir anything like that. But, for example now, there aren't many graders active. So, if you send me, I wouldn't be able to say no. Then again, it's not like I have a lot of time. Thus, I will claim your story, but it will take some time till I actually grade it. But what if in the meantime someone else could grade it? It is better waiting for some time.
Anyway, this story is claimed. I hope it is graded before Saturday.
Ok Thanks, Sorry to bug you :)
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Old 11-09-2010, 09:06 PM
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Post Re: Blackout (Ready for Grading)

Quote:
Originally Posted by gmandiddy View Post
Ok Thanks, Sorry to bug you :)
No need to apologize. And the grade is almost complete.
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Old 11-11-2010, 06:40 PM
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Default Re: Blackout (Ready for Grading)

Ok Thanks :)
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Old 11-17-2010, 03:43 PM
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Post Re: Blackout (Ready for Grading)

Be careful dude. There is a four words rule. lol.
Anyway, the moment you have been waiting for. Don't get discouraged. I made this grade the biggest I could, but I am sure there will be some inaccuracies. Ask for everything you don't understand.

Introduction:
Your story seems to lack an introduction. You instantly begin narrating, without describing yourself (appearance, character etc), nor your pokemon. In the whole story, for example, we do not know what pokemon Zippy is. On the other hand, you do not explain why the story begins the way it does. For instance, why are you on the roof of the Silph co. building. Unless you are someone who works there, I don’t think you would have been allowed to go up there anyway. So, you could say that you work as a guard and you were watching for any suspicious moves around the city with your binoculars from high above.

Plot:
Your plot had potential, but the length of the story and the few details couldn’t support it. I will give you some examples. There is a black out, but you manage to find a back-up switch, which was on the roof (where none could get to if there was no electricity, because the elevator wouldn’t work (a bit strange, don’t you think?)), and an unknown dude appears and says that you, who has no relation whatsoever with the company and is a complete stranger to them, should go to the power plant and see what had happened. In other words, the whole company relies on a stranger, who might as well be untrustworthy. Do you realise what we are talking about? A blackout like this one could cost Silph a fortune. Not only wouldn’t they trust a stranger, but they would also have foreseen that situation and taken some precaution measures.
Then, all the people of Kanto depend on you and you decide to lay down by the lake and what the stars? The Magikarp capture was not well placed in the story. You could say that you would like to watch the stars, but that you were in a hurry too. Thus, you just kept on walking. However, as you were running by the lake, you came across a Magikarp which was jumping around on the ground and wouldn’t let you pass. So, as you didn’t have any time for games, you ordred Zappy to attack, had a quick battle, captured it and continued your way. Doesn’t that make more sense?
In addition, not so serious this time, but you jumped in a canoe that was just standing there. Isn’t that a bit dangerous? But then again, how did you know that the river would guide to the power plant? You said that you saw the power plant, but that there was a huge mountain between that you couldn’t go through. My comments are:
a) How did you see the plant, since the Mountain was between? A mountain is a mountain, with some altitude. It’s not just a hill. I understand that the Mountain was supposed to be rock tunnel, but try imagining things as if they were happening right in front of you. You could say again that there were two mountains (the rock tunnel and the one to the right of the river where you can’t go in the game because it’s the end of the map) and that between them was a valley with a river (the river you have to traverse in order to go to power plant), at the end of which you could see a big building. So, you suppose that was the power plant. But, the vegetation was too dense to go through, so your only way of making it to the plant would be through the river. Therefore, you go to the nearby pokemon center and, having explained the situation to nurse Joy, you ask whether they have any means of transport for the river. She then allows you to use the center boat, while warning you that you will have to pay for any damages, and you finally make it to the plant.
b) Again, a mountain is not a hill, which means that it is long too. And you made all that distance in a canoe? Who are you, the canoeing champion? If the answer is yes, you should have said that in the introduction. Otherwise, you should have thought of something better. The motorized boat I told you about before makes things much better.
Furthermore, you didn’t not include the distance-time factor. You have to restore things as soon as possible. But, you go from Saffron to Cerulean, to route 10 and finally to the plant on foot and by canoe. This means that you were going slowly. And the distance is huge. Ash, in his journeys, had to spend days going from one city to another, and so would happen in real life. And you cover all that distance in one night? And shouldn’t the Silph dude had helped you with that matter?
Finally, in a properly running plant, there are wild pokemon? In Blue, Red and Yellow, the power plant was abandoned. In the second generation, in contrast, it had been renovated and was back in use, without any pokemon inside. So, either there should be no pokemon in the power plant, or our hero shouldn’t have gone to the power plant at all.

Grammar:

Watch out for those tenses. Your story is in a passive style. This means that nothing, and I mean nothing, is in present tenses. Will, shall, can, have/have had etc, that you would use if you were describing what you are doing right now, must be replaced by would, should, could, had/had had etc. But, in some cases, you forgot to do that. And there was a quite big part at the end where the text was in present tenses. In addition, some verbs were completely wrong (e.g. Zippy ran up and attack). You have to read the story again and again to avoid such mistakes. They may be silly ones, but they do cost.

Repeating:
Special section of the grade, just for you! ;) I notice that you have a tendency to repeat words. And by that, I mean writing the same word more than once and close to each other.
“I looked to my left and saw an abandoned fishing rod. I walked across to it and examined it. The fishing rod was rusty, old and looks like someone had just left it here.”
Here, you repeat fishing rod and look (the looks should be looked by the way). You could just say it again for the rod, and use seemed for the second looked. When rereading the story and finding such mistakes, try finding other words that express the same thing, like synonyms. And, in case you can’t, change the sentence completely.
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Last edited by Team Pokemon; 12-10-2010 at 01:50 PM.
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Old 11-17-2010, 03:44 PM
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Post Re: Blackout (Ready for Grading)

Details:
Your problem here was that you were describing things partially. You talk about how the chain reaction blackout looked from the roof, or how the sky was beautiful, but you do not describe how was the interior of the power plant, or Route 5 and 10, or the pokemon center. Your plot requires a huge amount of details, without which it would be dry. 8,000 characters for such a big journey are definitely not enough.
An example:
Quote:
I wondered to the front door and looked in. I could see so many electric Pokemon surrounding this Elekid. Then a Raichu picked up the Elekid and placed him on a table. The Elekid started to produce electricity from its body. I came to a conclusion that he had somehow absorbed all the electricity from the generator and now is ill. I walked into the building and all Pokemon glared at me.
It’s a plant. So, there should be many machines around there. Describe that. Also, what kinds of electric pokemon were there? You could say that “there were Mareep, Pichu, Pikachu etc, “talking” all together and creating a general uproar. But there was the element of panic in the atmosphere. Then, a huge Electivire comes out from the back and lets out a loud cry, in order to make the rest of the pokemon silent. Everybody becomes quiet and then the Raichu appears, holding the elekid, and places it on a wooden table in the middle of the room, which seemed to be about to fall apart. Elekid was shivering and small sparks were been released from its body once in a while. Raichu was watching it worried, letting out cries of sorrow. I was instantly drawn to the conclusion that the pokemon was sick. “Maybe it has something to do with the black out,” a thought momentarily passed through my mind. “Maybe it absorbed electricity for the machines, causing them to stop working and getting itself overloaded.” And the next minute, I found myself walking towards the elekid. All the pokemon were staring at me, ready to attack at any moment, but I just kept on going…”
You see how much bigger and better this part can be. You have to explain why everything happens. You say that the Elekid produced electricity and that made you think it was sick. But don’t Elekid produce electricity even under normal conditions? Instead, the shivering and random sparks image is more convincing. It shows that the conditions are not normal, and thus that you could be led to the conclusion that it was sick. The pokemon, on the other hand, are not just a bunch of dolls standing there. They are thinking, they have emotions. You should include that too.

Length:
The length was not enough for both pokemon unfortunately. When going for multiple pokemon, the length of the story should be the sum of the characters required for each pokemon. So, you needed 10k-15k. It’s not a huge error, and sometimes, having fewer characters is not a problem at all, especially if the quality of the story is excellent. However, do try being above the lower limit.

Dialogues:

I don’t have much to say. Just use speech verbs to make dialogues livelier. For example, *“Nice job.” I encouraged Zippy. “Now use flamethrower,” I then ordered.* Notice that the fullstop after job doesn’t turn into a comma, because encourage is not a verb that directly describes the quotations. You said “Nice job” in order to encourage Zippy. Order on the other hand describes them directly. Another example that goes with encourage is laugh. “You are stupid.” the woman laughed. She said that I am stupid and then laughed. Notice again that the doesn’t get a capital t. But I won’t get to analytic about this. If you have any questions on that, just post them.

Battle:
The magikarp battle was not enough. Magikarp is a tough pokemon because it only knows splash and tackle, but you could use these two moves in combination to make a good battle. For example, zippy uses ember and Magikarp is now on fire, splashing around trying to put it out. So, you both crack up and laugh hysterically. Thus, you do not notice that Magikarp manages to put it out and, in addition to that, that it moves closer to Zippy, slapping its face with its tail. After that, the battle gets serious. Magikarp splashes back away, getting ready, while ou order a scratch attack. Zippy runs up to Magikarp to swip it, but the fish, using splash, jumps high up. Zippy gets confused as it can’t find its opponent. However, Magikarp was now falling and charging head on to Zippy, tackling it and throwing it away due to the collision. Zippy got a little dizzy, but quickly stood up again and prepared for another order. Nevertheless, Magikarp has now jumped into the water and, using splash, was throwing water towards you pokemon etc. With dialogues and some extra details, this battle is more than enough for a magikarp. Be creative. Make things complicated, otherwise the story is boring.
Now, about the elekid, the battle was much better, but it does have some lacks. Basically, it’s one lack, the description lack. It is good, if not obligatory, that you describe the moves used. For example:
Quote:
Zippy appeared from the Pokeball and generated a mass amount of energy and fired a long flame at Elekid. Elekid smiled and used Light Screen. Elekid was still affected by flamethrower but lower the attacks power.
What’s that massive amount of energy? I cannot visualize it, although I do understand what you are trying to say. You could say that Zippy concentrated and was apparently concentrating heat inside its mouth, as small flames were casually slipping out of it. Then, it opened it, to release a scorching beam of fire (*notice that the flame is just a tiny flame, not a huge fire) that was heading straight for Elekid. The electric pokemon (avoided repeating), however, did not seem to panic at all. Instead, it smoothly smiled, closed its eyes and remained still. You were expecting that the battle was over, but, just inches away from Elekid, an invisible wall stopped the flamethrower attack. “Hmm… Light screen,” you thought. “Keep on using flamethrower, Zippy,” you then ordered your pokemon. Zippy obeyed and continued its attack. For a couple of second, nothing was happening and Zippy was getting tired, until Elekid’s face suddenly turned rough and, another second later, the invisible wall somewhat disappeared or broke, letting the foe completely εκτεθημενο to the flamethrower. However, it didn’t take much damage, as the move had worn out a bit due to zippy’s fatigue. Instead, it was thrown a couple of meter backward and instantly got back on its feet.
If you compare these two, you may notice one basic thing. That yours doesn’t have any time duration, nor does it include the space around the pokemon. You just name the attack, describe them a bit, also describe their results a little, but that’s it. You do not refer to how they happened, or for how long they happened. An attack requires time to be prepared and executed. Thus, when describing it, it is very possible that you will need more than one sentence. I don’t see that in your battles. Nor do I see the space factor: if a move is physical, the user runs up to the opponent and attacks, if it’s special, it attacks from where it is, and that’s the end of it? What about avoiding attacks, or getting launched away by them etc?
Another helpful tip is to describe vividly the colours, as well as to refer to each one of the five senses (whenever it’s possible). For example, that the flames of the flame thrower attack were like rubies, or that you felt a heat wave coming from them, hitting your face, so you covered it with your hand.

Spoiler:
Outcome:
Your story could have been better. Try not to stick too much on what you see in the games. You have to think how things would be if they were real. And try to be more descriptive. Noone will want to read your story if they have to come up with all the details on their one. A good story should suck you in it, it should make you understand and be able to visualize everything in it. In addition, going for two pokemon like this, and cutting your story in the middle is bad. It isn’t necessary that you keep the result of the capture unknown. You could write that magikarp was captured, regardless the result of the story. Anyway, you can make many improvements, so keep working. I am really sorry, but neither magikarp nor elekid were captured. I feel I am being a little too strict, but I also feel this story is not good enough for either mon.If you have any questions, post here. I would be more than glad to answer and maybe help you rewriting the story. :)
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Last edited by Team Pokemon; 11-18-2010 at 01:57 PM.
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  #8  
Old 11-17-2010, 06:28 PM
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Default Re: Blackout (Ready for Grading)

Ok Thanks for the grade, I will start to amend my mistakes and rewrite it with your comments in mind. I am going to take out the Magikarp from the story and focus on Elekid.
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Old 11-18-2010, 01:33 PM
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Default Re: Blackout (Ready for Grading)

Oh. I also made a mistake. For both elekid and magikarp, you need 8k-15k characters. Ask me anything you need.
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Old 11-18-2010, 07:10 PM
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Default Re: Blackout (Ready for Grading)(Re Grade)

Target Pokemon: Elekid (Simple)
Estimated Length: 5k – 10k
Actual Length: 9,503



It was a nice and cool day, the weather wasn’t to hot or too cold, it was just right for a good day of training. I sat down on the bank of the river that flowed through the north half of the city. I had a lot of memories from this place. When I was five years old I had borrowed Pokemon from my father and used to play with them. Then when I was ten years old, when I had my first Pokemon, I used to practice moves against the trees. Now I had come back to train to be the best Pokemon Trainer.

“Ok, come on out guys!” I threw the balls in the air and they landed on the floor. A white flash came from the Pokeball and out came three Pokemon. There was my Ursaring, who loves show off its amazing strength by lifting heavy objects. Then there was my quiet Golbat. He didn’t like the sunlight and if he was sent out he would fly straight towards a tree to hang off from, but when he is ready to battle he doesn’t care about the sunlight and will get on with the battle. Finally there is my proud partner Zippy. I was given Zippy as a present before I left home, my Mum want me to have a strong Pokemon if I needed help, and I was presented a Chimchar. Now Zippy has grown up and hard training has made him become a powerful Infernape.

“Ok let’s start doing some training”

After 3 hours of solid training, the sun was staring to set down. I looked over to my Pokemon and saw that they were lying on the ground; it looked like they were shattered.

“You did good guys, you deserve a good rest” I grabbed the three Pokeballs from my belt and aimed them at the tired looking Pokemon, “Return” I ordered.

I grabbed my bag and headed back home. It was a good thing that I lived in Cerulean City, people were polite and kind, there were no gangs, and no robberies. Cerulean City was a peaceful place to live. I carried on walking, looking up at the setting sun, until I reached the road where I lived. I fumbled around in my pocket looking for my keys. I picked out bottle caps, rubbish and money. Finally I found my keys and opened the door.

As I entered into the hallway I noticed a pile of letters under my door. I grabbed them and worked my way through them. Most of them were gas and electricity payment bills but one letter stood out from the rest. I opened it and read the little card piece inside the envelope.

You still work for the agency?
I had to come back to Sector 7
I needed to finish what we started
But I was ambushed and now trapped under some rubble
I managed to send a SOS from my Pidgy
Come ASAP
From J


I quickly ran out of the house and grabbed my bike. I got on and cycled towards the Mountain range. I hope I wasn’t too late. Suddenly it started to rain and made the journey a bit difficult.

I headed along Route 9, dripping wet, towards the Sector 7. The route was a very isolated and diverse from Cerulean City. There were dead trees on the bottom of the mountain range. Not many people would come this far and the only people who would be sent down here are on people on expeditions in the many caves these mountains provide or Sector 7. I remember that my father warned me about Pokemon that live in these caves and areas. Mostly tough and rouge Pokemon, nevertheless I had to save J quickly or else he was in trouble.

I continued down through Route 9 and reached old looking Pokemon Center. I got off my bike and ran inside for protection from the rain and walked towards the counter. I looked around and saw that it was empty. I wondered if this was still running so I rang the ball on the counter and waited. Being impatient that I am, I kept ringing the bell. On the fourth time of ring the bell, an old woman walked from the back.

“I’m not deaf you know,”She yelled“How I can help you today, I don’t normally get customers after the shut down of the….”

I stopped her before she could finish her sentence and said “It’s now Sector 7 after what happened three months ago, I was wondering if you could heal my Pokemon?”

“Yeah I can heal your Pokemon, but why are you traveling around these parts?” She wondered

“There has been a problem at Sector 7; one of my colleagues has gone back in there. He forgot that Sector 7 has been populated by Electric Pokemon because of the power and energy we left behind. He decided to go back and finish Project 251” I replied

“Oh, I see, but what’s Project 251?” She asked

“It’s a certain Pokemon that was chemically tested for information and its species. Rumor has it that Project 251 is still in there” I said

“Well, you best be off and save your friend” She replied and handed back my Pokemon and pushed me towards the exit. “I am sure you know where to go, good luck”

The rain was getting heavier and I could feel the cold wet drops fall down on me. I grabbed my bike and cycled towards the river. I peddled hard and felt the strain against my legs. I encouraged myself by saying that J is going to be ok, well I hoped.

I reached the river bank; it was polluted by rubbish and waste from Sector 7. This had been the only way I knew to get there. I quickly scanned my surrounding, although it was pretty hard with the pounding down. In the corner of my eye I noticed that there was an old raft that looked like it could sustain my weight. I quickly hurried towards this raft. As I walked towards this raft I was hit by a horrible smell. It smelt like a skunk smell as it was scared. I looked inside the raft to find a small dead rodent. I quickly picked the rodent up and threw it out of the raft and pushed the raft into the river.

I hopped into the raft and then suddenly I swept down the stream. The water was cold as it came into the raft; it tasted horrible as it came into my face. I directed the raft towards the river bank. I looked up and saw the huge grey building ahead of me. Life around this place looked dead; there was no sign of Pokemon. I managed to land of the bank of the river. I looked at the raft and noticed that this had been a one way trip.

I slowly walked up towards this deserted building. As I was walking I noticed signposts that said ‘Danger’ and ‘Keep Clear’ This place was Sector 7. It was the place where it started and then suddenly finished. I slowly walked up towards the door, trying not to make a single sound. I reached the door and looked in. I saw empty work benches, shattered test tubes, paper work scattered over the floor and lights dangling from the ceiling.

I opened the door and looked around for J, I then shouted out loud “J, J, Are you there?”

There had been no response, I walked towards the centre of the room and tried again “J, J, I’m here to help”

I looked around and found that J was not here. Then from behind I heard a familiar sound. “Eleeekid”

I swiveled around on my feet and turned towards this baby Pokemon. I smiled and looked around for any other Pokemon which inhabited this building. Surprisingly this was the only Pokemon. It looked like it was angry that something has entered it habitat. Most Pokemon don’t like this and will normally fight them of. I tried walking away but I was hit by a powerful electric surge. I turned around and noticed that Elekid had fired that attack.

“Your not going to let me go so I will battle you Elekid, or shall I call you Project 251” I smiled smugly.

Elekid cried out loud as if it was angry or was getting psyched up, I couldn’t tell.

“Ursaring, I need your assistance” I said and I threw the Pokeball up and out came a huge brown bear. “Ok, Use Hammer Arm now”

Ursaring started to run at Elekid and then raised it arm to perform an attack. It started to glow white and Ursaring jumped into the air and unleashed a direct Hammer Arm towards Elekid. Elekid was sent flying into the air. It got back onto its feet and started to spin its arms in an anti-clockwise motion. It was building up energy for a powerful electric attack.

“Ursaring, Quickly use a Faint Attack before he attacks”

Ursaring nodded and quickly ran up to Elekid and disappeared in front of him. Then Ursaring used Faint Attack from behind. Elekid took some damage from that attack but shrugged it off and unleashed a powerful Thunder attack. The bolt that came from Elekid was so bright that you could only see white for a few seconds. Then Ursaring was hit by a powerful lighting bolt. Ursaring looked like he took a lot of damage from that move.

“Ursaring be on your guard, Use Slash”

Ursaring ran towards Elekid with its claws showing and slashed Elekid face. Elekid rotated his arms again and unleashed another powerful electric move, this time it was a Thunderbolt. The bolt hit Ursaring hard and now Ursaring was in a lot of trouble. Then some sparks appeared from Ursaring. It looked like Ursaring was paralyzed. Suddenly Ursaring cried out loud and started to look angry. He face was bigger and he started to slice through the air to show off its new power. I knew that this was its ability Guts. I knew what to do

“Ursaring use another Slash attack”

Ursaring started to run towards Elekid but Elekid fired another Thunderbolt at Ursaring. It looked like Ursaring had been slowed down but now it was Ursaring turn to attack. Ursaring claws got bigger and leaped into the air and slammed his claws against Elekid face. Elekid went back flying and Ursaring looked pretty tired.

“Ok, take a rest Ursaring you deserved it. Ok go Pokeball” I threw the Pokeball towards the lying Elekid. It wobbled once and twice……

In the corner of the room a small camera had been placed in position so that it could witness the whole battle.

“Perfect, I think he is ready” said a mysterious man petting his Pokemon
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  #11  
Old 11-27-2010, 12:17 PM
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Post Re: Blackout (Ready for Grading)

I read the story and I have to admit I was impressed! Expect the grade in one or two weeks.
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  #12  
Old 12-10-2010, 01:46 PM
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Default Re: Blackout (Ready for Grading)

I am really sorry for the huge delay. I have been having some issues with my university courses lately.

Introduction:
Your introduction doesn’t include any external description about yourself. Nevertheless it is still successful because you tell us some tips about your past, which pokemon you have (we finally learn what pokemon Zippy is), what their characters are, and generally, we have a personal feeling through the whole text. For example, you say “my PROUD Zippy” and how it evolved from a tiny chimchar that your MUM insisted you get, into an Infernape. You show us that there is a bond between the two of you, that you have grown up together like partners. It feels that you are actually narrating something you have lived. For a first person story (when the main hero is narrating), such kind of introductions are perfect. And, you manage to link it with the main story (“I had a lot of memories from this place. Blah blah blah =>terrific work!), which is also very positive! So, I have to congratulate you because your iintroduction was really good, and not just compared to that of the previous story! Congratulations!



Plot:
The plot was also good. There is a mystery that creates suspense in the story and makes you want to read more. I have, however to point out some things that I noticed you haven’t fixed very much from the last story. For instance, the part where you go to the sector is short. That’s not necessarily bad, but listen carefully.
Quote:
I quickly ran out of the house and grabbed my bike. I got on and cycled towards the Mountain range. I hope I wasn’t too late. Suddenly it started to rain and made the journey a bit difficult.
The trip must have taken half an hour at least. So, if you decide to cut it down on size, you should summarize it. Which mean that suddenly doesn’t match. Suddenly is usually used to say that something unexpected happens that has a major effect on the following events. But when I say major, I mean major momentarily. It is hard to imagine how rain can start suddenly. Because once it begins to, it will continue raining heavily for at least ten minutes (it’s not like someone throws at you a bucket of water and that’s all). But you can say that it started to rain and that suddenly a lightening stroke right in from of you. The lightening strike is momentary, while the rain keeps on going. Get it? So, here, you use the wrong word, because you emphasize on something that shouldn’t be emphasized (like you did on the previous story) or that, if emphasized, it isn’t of big importance while other things that could be mentioned are. You could say instead “I pedaled as hard as I could, hoping that it wouldn’t be too late. However, it soon started to rain heavily, which made my journey a bit difficult.”
Another thing, is the dialogue with the nurse. The sector 7 project should be top secret I guess. So, you reveal everything to the nurse. That’s a bit strange, don’t you think. You obviously have to give us some hints about sector 7, but saying everything to a clueless nurse Joy is just not the right way. For example, you could use the letters (which was a very smart idea from the beginning, if you ask me). That J had to finish what you started because the experiment is carrying a virus that could lead to an entire ecosystem disaster. Or that the experiment is getting dangerously powerful and has to be either tamed or neutralized permenantly (so, by catching it, you actually tame it). In addition, to spice things up a bit, you could say that the nurse is an imposter from the enemy spy organization and that you had to battle your way out of her trap. That way, you get to use all of your pokemon and not just Ursaring for the Elekid battle.
Other than these, I think your plot was good. Much much much better from your previous story, but also good on its own. So, nice job again. ;)


Grammar:
You had some problems with your grammar, just like you did last time, but much less.
Quote:
I quickly ran out of the house and grabbed my bike. I got on and cycled towards the Mountain range. I hope I wasn’t too late. Suddenly it started to rain and made the journey a bit difficult.
Your story is in past tense. So, I hope I wasn’t too late is wrong. It should be I hoped.
Quote:
Not many people would come this far and the only people who would be sent down here are on people on expeditions in the many caves these mountains provide or Sector 7. I remember that my father warned me about Pokemon that live in these caves and areas. Mostly tough and rouge Pokemon, nevertheless I had to save J quickly or else he was in trouble.
“Down here would be” (I wonder what that on following means)
“I remembered that my father had warned me”
“He would be in trouble”
Quote:
There had been no response, I walked towards the centre of the room and tried again “J, J, I’m here to help”
“There was no answer, so I walked…” The two facts of being no answer and walking are more or less of the same time, so they have to been in the same tense. Obviously, that tense is past simple (Think how it would be if you used present tenses).
I repeat. Almost nothing should be in present, simple or continuous, will/shall/can becomes would/should/could, present becomes past, past becomes past perfect, present perfect becomes past perfect. In addition, you have to use used to or would to talk about something that was happening back then, but is not anymore.
Also check the gerund part in the following section.


Repeating:
There are some problems here too. Please, try avoiding such mistakes. It’s really annoying reading them. Try to enlarge your vocabulary or coming up with different ways of expressing the same idea to avoid them.
For instance, the worst part was:
Quote:
Not many people would come this far and the only people who would be sent down here are on people on expeditions in the many caves these mountains provide or Sector 7.
Three times people. Sheer horror! Instead: Not many would come this and the only ones who would be sent down here would be those on expeditions… (or just and the only ones who would (we mean come), would be on expeditions…)
In addition, it is always effective trying to make your text lighter. Many ands and such words are what you should avoid in other words.
Quote:
Suddenly it started to rain and made the journey a bit difficult.
This phrase for example could be gentler if you replaced and made with making. Making is a gerund, if you don’t know how these words are called, and gerunds can improve you text flow. However, as long as it is obvious what the subject of the gerund is, which means that it is always better if it is the same with the subject of the main phrase. For example, “Elekid hit Ursaring with a Thunder punchattack, falling on the floor.” Logic says that Ursaring fell on the floor, but that’s not evident. And, in case you want to change the subject, you should write it. “Ursaring was hit with Thunder punch, sparks flying from its body.” Personally, I am against this kind of use of gerunds, because I feel something is not right grammatically (I would write with sparks flying), but many people do it. Also notice that its matches the subject of the primary phrase.
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Old 12-10-2010, 01:47 PM
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Default Re: Blackout (Ready for Grading)

Length:
You almost exceeded the limit, but sometimes this is necessary, in order to have a complete and well written story from all aspects.


Details:
Since your plot was short, unlike last time, you were forced to include more details. And I have to admit they were good ones too. Your vocabulary is improved and you always give us a short idea of your surroundings, your own thoughts and of what’s generally happening. I am really satisfied. Next time, try to include descriptions of people’s and pokemon appearances. For example, when you hear the “Eleeekid” and you turn around, you obviously see an elekid standing over there. But how does it look like? Do not presume that the reader know that, while describing it may also flare up his/her imagination, instead of him/her simply visualizing the common sprite in the games or a picture from the series.


Dialogues:
I told you about the plot-dialogue problem before, with Nurse Joy, but there are some other errors too with the punctuation. Before the end of the quotations, you do put a fullstop, exclamation mark etc, just as if the phrase didn’t belong to a dialogue. However, if, right after the quotations there is a direct speech (like say, murmur, cry, shout, threaten, warn etc) the fullstop and ONLY the fullstop must be replaced by a comma (every other symbol mustn’t). Otherwise, if there is an indirect speech verb (e.g. laugh, giggle, yawn, smile, grin) then the fullstop remains as it is. Furthermore, the word after the quotations doesn’t have to be capitalized.


Battle:
I was a little disappointed here after your huge improvements in the other section. Although your battle was better, it has a serious issue. It doesn’t have a pleasant flow.
Quote:
Ursaring ran towards Elekid with its claws showing and slashed Elekid face. Elekid rotated his arms again and unleashed another powerful electric move, this time it was a Thunderbolt. The bolt hit Ursaring hard and now Ursaring was in a lot of trouble.
Didn’t Elekid react to his face getting slashed? Didn’t it jump around in pain, or get extremely angry and prepare its next attack seeking for revenge? And what do you mean by “Ursaring was in a lot of trouble”. Maybe that the bolt was very strong and it was obvious that your pokemon was getting severely hurt and might be unable to battle if this attack was to keep on going? And then again, how did Ursaring shows that it was hit hard? Maybe it began crying in paying and shivering in pain under the effects of the electrocution? Try to be a bit more analytic, instead of just saying what attack was used, how it was used and whether it was powerful or not.


Outcome:
Spoiler:
I was really impressed by the major improvement in your story. You must have worked much harder to write this story. Maybe the battle had some important gaps, but, for an Elekid, they weren’t too serious. I really liked your story and I feel touched that you followed my advice. :P May I also point out that in the end I was like “OMG! Who is that camera guy?!” So, despite your various mistakes, your effort did pay off a lot! I have nothing else to say, apart from the fact that you captured the Elekid! Congratulations!
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Last edited by Team Pokemon; 12-10-2010 at 01:49 PM.
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  #14  
Old 12-12-2010, 12:22 PM
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Default Re: Blackout (Ready for Grading)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Team Pokemon View Post
Length:
You almost exceeded the limit, but sometimes this is necessary, in order to have a complete and well written story from all aspects.


Details:
Since your plot was short, unlike last time, you were forced to include more details. And I have to admit they were good ones too. Your vocabulary is improved and you always give us a short idea of your surroundings, your own thoughts and of what’s generally happening. I am really satisfied. Next time, try to include descriptions of people’s and pokemon appearances. For example, when you hear the “Eleeekid” and you turn around, you obviously see an elekid standing over there. But how does it look like? Do not presume that the reader know that, while describing it may also flare up his/her imagination, instead of him/her simply visualizing the common sprite in the games or a picture from the series.


Dialogues:
I told you about the plot-dialogue problem before, with Nurse Joy, but there are some other errors too with the punctuation. Before the end of the quotations, you do put a fullstop, exclamation mark etc, just as if the phrase didn’t belong to a dialogue. However, if, right after the quotations there is a direct speech (like say, murmur, cry, shout, threaten, warn etc) the fullstop and ONLY the fullstop must be replaced by a comma (every other symbol mustn’t). Otherwise, if there is an indirect speech verb (e.g. laugh, giggle, yawn, smile, grin) then the fullstop remains as it is. Furthermore, the word after the quotations doesn’t have to be capitalized.


Battle:
I was a little disappointed here after your huge improvements in the other section. Although your battle was better, it has a serious issue. It doesn’t have a pleasant flow.

Didn’t Elekid react to his face getting slashed? Didn’t it jump around in pain, or get extremely angry and prepare its next attack seeking for revenge? And what do you mean by “Ursaring was in a lot of trouble”. Maybe that the bolt was very strong and it was obvious that your pokemon was getting severely hurt and might be unable to battle if this attack was to keep on going? And then again, how did Ursaring shows that it was hit hard? Maybe it began crying in paying and shivering in pain under the effects of the electrocution? Try to be a bit more analytic, instead of just saying what attack was used, how it was used and whether it was powerful or not.


Outcome:
Spoiler:
I was really impressed by the major improvement in your story. You must have worked much harder to write this story. Maybe the battle had some important gaps, but, for an Elekid, they weren’t too serious. I really liked your story and I feel touched that you followed my advice. :P May I also point out that in the end I was like “OMG! Who is that camera guy?!” So, despite your various mistakes, your effort did pay off a lot! I have nothing else to say, apart from the fact that you captured the Elekid! Congratulations!
Thanks for the regrade :) I will enjoy my new elekid
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