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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 10-14-2010, 09:47 PM
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Default Team of Trio. A Pokemon Saga. ~Chapter 1 & 2 to be Graded~

Team of Trio Saga
Chapter 1-The second Trio
Pokemon trying to catch: Caterpie


"Denryu, we need to get going, finish this!" A small girl shouted to her pokemon. The pokemon bleated and blue electricity sparked around its ears as it let loose a powerful Discharge. The opponent pokemon got hit and scurried away after being defeated. The woolly pokemon walked over to its trainer as she patted it on the head.

The trainer currently on the scene here is a small girl named Rikku. She is quite outgoing and loves her only pokemon dearly. That pokemon is her Mareep, Denryu.

"That's the tenth Weedle we've beaten in five minutes." The girl sighed, the Mareep at her feet bleated. The girl ruffled her short ginger hair and placed her hat on her head. Her orange eyes continually scanned the surrounding area for the pokemon she wants. She was wearing her usual attire of a yellow tank top, denim shorts with long black socks that go way past the knee and black and blue trainers. She wears a yellow bag, the strap across her chest, with a lone pokeball fastened in the middle.

She stopped suddenly as another orangey brown coloured bug pokemon fell out of a tree. "Not another one..." Rikku moaned as the Weedle shot a barb of poison at the Mareep. The Mareep quickly dodged the attack and was about to attack before Rikku cut in. "Don't worry about getting rid of the Weedle, just run." At those words both trainer and pokemon ran. When they stopped they were in a clearing. Rikku sat under a tree and took out a bottle of water from her bag. She drank from it and than got a small bowl in which she filled with water so her pokemon could drink to. While the pokemon was drinking Rikku leaned against the trunk of the tree and closed her eyes. After a while she fell asleep.

After a few hours of peaceful sleep Rikku awoke to a lout bleat and a rush of cream coloured fluff rushing behind her back. "Denryu, what’s wrong?" Before she could get an answer, a large Heracross flew over, and it looked angry. "Denryu! What did you do?" Rikku grabbed her Mareep and moved as the Heracross flew towards them. "Right, c'mon Denryu lets defeat this thing!" Rikku ordered. The Mareep in her arm bleated a battle cry and jumped to the floor getting ready.

The Heracross charged at Mareep using Horn Attack. "Denryu, jump and use Cotton Spore." The Mareep did as it was told and jumped into the air avoiding the attack. It than let loose loads of cotton like spores that clung to the Heracross, which than paralysed it. But this was the wrong thing to do. The Heracross charged towards the Mareep and hit it with another Horn Attack but this one seemed stronger. Its ability was Guts.

"Ok, let’s start using some proper power, Denryu." The Mareep got up and bleated. "Full power Discharge, go!" Blue sparks started jumping round Mareep's ears and it let out a cry as the attack flew towards the Heracross hitting it straight on, but the Heracross seemed unharmed and went to attack with a Counter. The attack hit hard and Rikku watched as her Mareep flew across the clearing into a tree. The Mareep got to its feet clumsily. This wasn't good.

The Heracross went in close and tried to attack with a Close Combat, but Rikku had a trick up her sleeve. "Denryu! Get away now." The Mareep moved away in time and got away, the attack missing by millimetres so the Heracross punched the tree, which shuddered for a bit. When it had finally stopped a load of Beedrill flew out of the tree and went to attack the Heracross. The Heracross fled fast with the Beedrill following after. Rikku smiled to herself and turned to leave when she saw a yellow caterpillar like pokemon. "A Caterpie," Rikku shouted. "And a shiny one at that. It looks in bad shape. Must have fallen out the tree with the Beedrill." Rikku got out a pokeball and threw it at the Caterpie. She watched as the pokemon was enveloped in a red light. The pokeball wobbled once...twice...
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Last edited by Monday; 10-19-2010 at 08:05 PM.
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  #2  
Old 10-15-2010, 08:35 PM
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Default Re: Team of Trio. A Pokemon Saga. ~Chapter 1 & 2 to be Graded~

Team of Trio Saga
Chapter 2-I want another Trio
Pokemon trying to catch: Pidgey


Rikku was walking through a field. A small sheep like pokemon walking next to her. She had just come out of a forest. She walked along with her hands in her pockets, her hat sat nicely on her short hair and the breeze flowing past. The pokemon next to her bleated slightly and Rikku looked down at her. "I know, Denryu. All this walking is hurting my feet too," Rikku sighed. "We saw loads of Pidgey in the forest, but why can't we find any out here?" The pokemon bleated a reply. Rikku sighed again and continued walking.

After a few minutes the two came across a Pidgey. "Oh...hello. Denryu, Lets go." The Mareep soon sprung into action and ran towards the Pidgey. It attacked it with a Tackle. The Pidgey hardly felt the attack as it flew backwards and into the sky. It started speeding round using Agility than it charged towards the Mareep at super speed its wings glowing slightly as it attacked with Wing Attack. The Mareep flew backwards getting hit at full blast. "Ok. Use Charge than Discharge. Quick!" Mareep quickly got up and its body started glowing the fluff covering its body becoming static as it used a Charge attack. The Pidgey flew towards Mareep and pecked it. It swooped up and than did an arch in the air. It did that several times before attacking with another Wing Attack. The Mareep let loose a powerful Discharge which hit the Pidgey hard. Rikku watched as it fell to the floor. She got a pokeball ready but the smile faded as she saw it swoop back into the air.

"Ok. Use Discharge again!" Sparks surrounded the Mareep's ears and it let out a cry as it shot the attack towards the Pidgey. Before the Mareep had even attacked, the Pidgey got ready to block or dodge. It quickly flew above the Discharge but still got shocked slightly. Rikku knew that shouting and saying commands was not working. "Denryu after you attack go solo. You can do it!" The Mareep bleated a reply and got ready for the battle ahead.

The Pidgey flew towards Mareep and hit it hard with another Wing Attack. The Mareep quickly let loose a shower of cotton like spores, which slowed the Pidgey down immensely. The Mareep than charged and used another Tackle. The attack hit the Pidgey hard and it flew back slightly. Wind currents suddenly started spiralling in front of Pidgey, forming a ball of wind that it than launches at Mareep.

Rikku watched as the Pidgey's Air Slash attack drew ever closer to her Mareep. The Mareep doing nothing. But than Rikku saw the smirk on her pokemon's face. It had a plan. When the attack was close enough the bulb on Mareep's tail glowed brightly and a large multi-coloured beam of bright light shot out of it towards the approaching ball. The Air Slash attack got surrounded in the beam of light which still carried on traveling, being powered by the now fully engulfed Air Slash attack, and hits the Pidgey hard. The Pidgey got thrown back and it landed in the branches of a nearby tree. Rikku smiled to herself but it soon faded as the Pidgey flew out the tree looking scared. It was soon followed by a few Spearow and some Fearow as well.

Rikku grabbed the fleeing Pidgey for it looked hurt and she didn't want anything bad to happen to it. She quickly turned and ran being followed by her Mareep and the other birds. Rikku knew that her Mareep could never fight of all the pokemon. Not that many.

After ten minutes of running Rikku was getting tired but the birds showed no sign of tiring soon. Than Rikku felt something cold on her face. Rain! This lifted her spirits. She stopped and turned to face the oncoming pokemon. Her clothes already drenched and muddy, she smiled. The pokemon started circling around her. "Denryu. Let’s finish this. Thunder!" The Mareep bleated as the clouds overhead suddenly got darker and you could hear the crash of the oncoming storm. A huge flash of yellow light illuminated the area as a large Thunder came crashing down striking the birds. They got zapped pretty bad, and a few more Thunders later they decided to fly away. Rikku smiled and she looked at the Pidgey in her arms. It chirped to say thanks.

Rikku thought for a few minutes than decided to let the poor Pidgey go. She placed it on the ground and started to walk away but the Pidgey started to follow. "Go home. You deserve to be free." She said but it wouldn't listen. She got out a pokeball, "Do you want to be mine?" The Pidgey nodded its head. She knelt down and tapped its head with the pokeball, the pokemon being engulfed in a red light. The pokeball wobbled once...twice...
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Last edited by Monday; 10-17-2010 at 07:43 PM.
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  #3  
Old 11-03-2010, 02:48 AM
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Default Re: Team of Trio. A Pokemon Saga. ~Chapter 1 & 2 to be Graded~

Ha! Team Pokemon! I got this one :P



Claimed by Dragon.

Edit: To be clear, I will grade both of these stories.
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Last edited by Dragoness; 11-03-2010 at 02:50 AM. Reason: Communication!
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  #4  
Old 11-04-2010, 02:56 AM
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Default Re: Team of Trio. A Pokemon Saga. ~Chapter 1 & 2 to be Graded~

Grade for the first chapter:

Introduction:

It started with some action, which drew me in a little. You introduced me to your characters, which was good. The story was short so the intro was short, thus I don't have much to say here.

--
Grammar/Spelling:

Pokemon is capitalized. Now, you did bring up an interesting question. I have always capitalized Pokemon in general and a Pokemon's species and attacks, as those are specific things. However, your use of Pokemon could be considered a general noun and not a proper one.

I've heard that since Pokemon refers to a game and a game's name should be capitalized, then you capitalize Pokemon. Now in URPG stories, that has always seemed a little bit of a reach to me personally, but between that and the fact that most URPGers capitalize Pokemon, it's usually better to do just do it. Moving on...

Capitalize "Pokeball" too. Same reason as above.

Quote:
She drank from it and than got a small bowl in which she filled with water so her pokemon could drink to.
"to" should be "too". Too is used to denote something as excessive ("That is too expensive!") or to note if something is being added ("I would like a glass of water, too!")

Overall, your grammar was fine.

--
Plot:

Trainer is hanging out with her Mareep in a forest when a Heracross attacks. Heracross is then chased by Beedrills and Rikku (I love Rikku's name, btw) finds Caterpie. No, a shiny Caterpie :D I think the most entertaining part was the image of Heracross being chased by Beedrills.

For the length of the story and all, it was alright. For future stories, I think you might want to add a little to the plot. Add more characters, more locations and more events.

There are so many ways to come up with ideas for plots and little mini-plots and characters for the plot, it's not funny. I do not know if you came up with the Mareep and trainer in the forest playing around first, or if you thought of Beedrills chasing a Pokemon and came up with the rest of the plot or what.

I've noticed that a fair bit of new URPG writers tend to focus on and talk more about what story to write for the Pokemon they want. That way can produce some interesting and unique plots, but you might also consider other ways to come up with plots too. Such as getting inspiration from books/movies, events in real life, or just wild stuff that pops into your head seemingly from nowhere. And then work what Pokemon you want into the plot.

--
Length:

3857 characters. Between this being a first story and the short plot, it was perfectly fine. It also fell within range of the URPG Easiest category.

--
Description:

It was kinda stiff. A bit mechanical--and not the good kind of well oiled mechanical, but the somewhat jerky and needs-to-be-oiled mechanical. There were a few spots where you did pretty well, but the overall flow was, as I said, stiff.

How do fix that? Well, try to work the description into the story in a more descriptive way. Like how you described Rikku's clothing. It was okay and it told me what she wore, but not how she wore it. You can add some real character in your description that can in turn add to Rikku's character. Like say if her clothes were neat as a pin--what does that say about her? Or if they were a bit sloppy, or a little tattered. Y'know, just stuff like that.

Also, something I want to mention. You listed what clothes Rikku wore all at once. You don't have to list all of her attire at once, though sometimes it can work. Sometimes it is better to describe a few items of clothing at a time, the same way that it is generally better to describe a large room or house by a few pieces in it and the general feel of the place (dark, messy, orderly, light-hearted, ect.). Adjectives, use more adjectives is what I am trying to say.

One more thing:

Quote:
Its ability was Guts.
I don't know what Guts is (for real). It's great you thought to include a Pokemon's abilities (few do) but you should also use more detail on what that ability is/what it does.

In general, your description was fairly nice.

--
Battle:

You should describe the attacks more. Be specific about what the attack is supposed to do, how it looks and how it actually effects its target. You did mention the tree in that battle with Heracross, which is good. Keep remembering to use the environment when battling.

Also, though this battle was fine for a short story, if you keep adding battles to your stories, they should generally be a little longer and as I said, a little more descriptive.

--
Outcome:

Pssh, easy. You have great potencial. Caterpie captured! Take care of your little bug <3

--
Other:

The organization of your thread was a little messy to me. If you wish to post another story and your first has not been graded yet, then I suggest you post the second story in a different thread.

Also:
Quote:
The trainer currently on the scene here is a small girl named Rikku. She is quite outgoing and loves her only pokemon dearly. That pokemon is her Mareep, Denryu.
That quote felt rather random, like it didn't really belong in your story. Just an fyi.

Length of Grade: 5183 characters.
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  #5  
Old 11-06-2010, 07:48 AM
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Talking Re: Team of Trio. A Pokemon Saga. ~Chapter 1 & 2 to be Graded~

Grade for Chapter Two:

Introduction:

*points at above grade* This is what I meant when I said the thread structure was a bit messy. See, normally you post your new chapters after the previous ones have been graded, or in separate threads or whatnot. You didn't, so for some inexplicable reason, this led to a slight moment of confusion :(


Anyway, 1st thing I want to mention is that the intro was lacking a certain something. I mentioned in my above grade about this stiff, mechanical feeling to the story. Well, that was my first impression of the story. Not a smooth flow into the introduction, but a kind of rough, stop-and-go flow.

2nd problem is the intro itself. The whole walking in-a-field thing. In of itself, its boring. However, when paired with the correct use of grammar and some good bits of description, it becomes interesting.

You couldn't quite pull that intro off. Don't get me wrong, it was kinda interesting, but it was missing something, y'know? A lot of what was missing was the description (or lack there of)--you have a nice field here. But I don't know much about it or the surroundings. Was it dark and creepy out? Were there crop circles? Was it snowing? Was it a peaceful walk through a wide field on a beautiful day? What was your character feeling? Happy? Sad? Annoyed? You could have really set the scene, is what I am saying.
-

Solution to the 1st problem: Some of the intro's problems could have been fixed by making a couple sentences into one sentence and/or including adjectives. I suggest you re-read my last grade *points up*. Specifically the section titled "Description".

Of the solutions to problem #2, I would say get your general plot and characters worked out, then think of a good moment concerning the plot or a character and then use that moment to draw the reader in. While you are thinking of the plot/character/whatever, also think of how the people (if there are people in your intro) are feeling. doing and why they are there. Think of how the scene looks, how it feels--like you know how a lot of public bathrooms feel kinda grungy? "Grungy" is the feel of the bathroom. Just think about everything you wanna describe and then use enough of that description to set the introduction off.

--

Plot:

I was also a bit confused because it almost felt like you were putting out a new story that was not at all related to the first chapter. There didn't seem to be any connection to the previous chapter (such as how Rikku came to stand in the middle of a field). But you posted it in the same thread with the title "Second chapter" which indicates to me that this is a continuation of the previous story.

Solution to this: If you are continuing a story, then make sure the plot lines up and is clearly connected with the last post. If you aren't continuing a story from where you left off, then either do a date (such as month/day/year) and a new name to show you are doing a whole new story or just post the new story in a new thread.

The plot was simple and since you are aiming for a simple 'mon, then that is okay. For future stories, you might wanna read my grade for the first chapter (look under "Plot" in that first grade) and then think of ways to add to and make a nice, slightly bigger plot then walking around looking for a Pidgey.

--
Description:

Since you didn't receive a grade for your first story before you posted the second story, I don't expect you to have already applied what I have said. So, for this section, go back to my grade for the first chapter and read the "Description" section.

Also, I don't really know what Rikku looks like. Even if it is a continuation of a story, generally you should still slip in some details of what the character looks like. Not a large paragraph all at once, but a few details. The skin color, the gender, the style of clothing, ect.

--
Grammar/Spelling:

There were a few typos. The solution to that is to proof read a couple times and at different times of the day. Even then, you probably won't catch every single error, but it is something I wanna mention.

Also, "than" is used to compare things ("She is so much taller than I am.") and "then" refers to time/sequence of events ("Look over the book and then if you have any questions, send me a note.")

--
Battle:

It was more descriptive than the one in the first chapter and it was longer than a couple attacks, which is good. With the lighting coming from the heavens and having to strike the birds repeatedly, it felt a little unrealistic. That strong of a lighting bolt should have taken care of the birds the first time around. You described the attacks and you totally used the environment for this battle. I honestly didn't think of using the sky in a battle, so props to you for surprising me.

The fight seemed at times to be a little one-sided. Having a two-sided, strong battle is essential for URPG story battles. I would have liked Mareep to get hit a little more and to really feel a bit more of the pain of being hit.

--
Length:

4545! Woot! Double numbers. Forgetting my woot, it's actually 455 characters under the required length requirements for a simple 'mon D: It was a short plot, thus a short story, but as you go for harder level Pokemon, you have to add to your plot, which usually happens to add to your length.

--
Outcome:

Eh. Due to the simple nature of the plot and the kinda choppy flow of the story, esp. the intro, not to mention being roughly 500 characters under the required length, this was a bit of a tough choice. I am going to...let you have Pidgey. Because this is a simple 'mon, not to mention your 2nd story, I felt like going a bit easier on you than I may have been otherwise. Work on your description, like I said above and work on your plots. (: G'luck in your future stories.

--
Other: Eh. Normally I wouldn't just point at a previous grade, but seeing as this story was a bit unique, I made an exception.

Length of Grade: 5651 characters. Most of them spent in the "Introduction" O.o
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