Ahhh! Hrm. Hmm...
Those were my first three reactions when I read the first two paragraphs of your introduction. It started off kinda interesting with talk of the World That Never Was. Then I was suddenly hit by the name "Castle Oblivion" which I may have heard before, but I still don't know what it is, so I was a little confused. Then I started to go "Hmm... O.o" because I was reading all these names and since I haven't played KH in a very long time, I haven't a clue who these people are.
See, in a more analytical sense, you began by explaining to me the world of Kingdom Hearts as if I (the reader) has no idea what it is. Then in the next paragraph you began to use names and terms without any explanation as to who/what you are talking about. It was a sudden switch--from a standpoint of the reader knows almost nothing, to expecting the reader to know who so and so is.
I then continued to read on and found out that you explained more about Saix 'n all :D That's good. Overall, it was a neat introduction. I'm not big on intros that start out explaining about the world the story is in and the main characters; usually I like those details worked into the story, but that is a personal preference and nothing more than what it is.
Hmm, a Kingdom Hearts theme. Cool. It wasn't a super-big/strong plot, but it didn't need to be. It was an interesting view in the day of Xylke's life.
There was a period where it felt that the plot could have expanded on, or at least explained some more. It's the start of the second post, where Xylke finds out a Pokemon is leading the Heartless in Twilight Town. I mean, it feels like Xylde could have thought or talked some more on the whole Heartless Leader Pokemon thing. It felt a bit sudden and important, but wasn't really treated as that important.
I spotted some typos, but generally nothing major. Remember that "It's" is a contraction of "it is" ("It's okay.") and "Its" is a possessive ("Its bright gold handle shone in the moonlight.").
I suggest you proofread more. Do it a few times before you post your story and also do it at different times of the day, that way you aren't always tired or upset or whatnot when you proofread. Some of the errors could have been caught with a spellchecker. I don't have one myself, but I do use Firefox and it automatically underlines errors in red.
There were spots in the story that you just kind of flew over without stopping to describe anything. For example:
"Awaken," Saix barked, entering Xylke's hidden room. Xylke sat up in his bed and shook his hair until its look satisfied him.
Umm, the dude has a hidden room. Can anyone say awesome? :D But you don't say that. In fact, you don't say anything. Why does he have a hidden room? There has to be a reason. Readers notice odd and neat things like this and they want to know the why
behind such neat features.
I mean, that is something you want to be aware of in future stories. Every detail, every sentence, every paragraph adds or detracts from the story. Thus you should think about the details you are giving (or holding back) from the reader and the way you present those details. If there is something that is not incredibly common or obviously logical, then you usually want to explain it.
And about the above quote: Xylke didn't react to Saix entering his room suddenly and disturbing him from sleep, but you would think that most people would be a little bothered, y'know? How come Xylke wasn't? I mean, the first thing Xylke does is his shake his head like a dog until his hair is thrown about the right away. I mean, Xylke may be vain, but is he really so vain that Saix popping into the room has no effect on him whatsoever?
And then when Xylke popped open the portal to Twilight Town...You barely described the portal, nor did you describe the emotions of Xylke being woken up and sent off right away on a mission or really mention anything about the current situation. It's just that it felt like you rushed things along a bit.
Another thing: Overall, you did well when it came to describing things, but there's this rather cliche moment. It happens when the main character leaps out of bed and looks in the mirror. The author than uses the fresh-out-of-bed-lets-look-in-mirror moment to describe the main character.
No. Please, don't do that xD Have Saix marvel at this vain teenage boy, with his wild blonde hair and sleepy green eyes. Add in a paragraph where Saix is in the act of doing something that lets his personality show through (like if he added mascara to his face--to show if he was vain, or if he carefully checked any weapons he might have to make sure they are okay--which would show how careful a boy he is or something) and add in a chunk of the description then. Or whatever else tickles your fancy. Don't often use the "caught my reflection in the mirror/shiny tea pot/window/whatever" way.
And when Xylke went into Twilight Town. I don't really know what it looks like, or what it feels like. Did he come out on a dark, deserted street? Surrounded by derelict buildings with the sun setting/rising? Or did he come out on a side street near a bustling tavern?
"Very funny. -coughcough- I don't have time to -hackcough- deal with you!"
Usually you don't see people doing the actual coughing noises in dialogue. They are added in elsewhere, like "He coughed, choking on the water and spluttered, 'Very funny!" or along those lines.
I spent a lot of time on this section because overall you did well :D But you can also really polish things up and you aren't a brand new author, so I think you can use this information/encouragement.
Hmm. It was fairly even, which is a big thing I look for. I felt perhaps that the Lotad should have fought a bit more though. You also described the attacks, which is good. The battle even kinda fit into the overall plot fairly smoothly. You had a Pokemon on Pokemon battle, but also had a Pokemon on Heartless battle, which I find awesome and creative :D
11,278 characters :) Nice. Btw, Lotad is a Simple 'mon, thus you need only 5-10k
Psssh, I only went on so much 'cause this was fairly good, though it could have really shined. Anyway, Lotad Captured
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