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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 09-17-2010, 12:47 AM
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Default Kingdom Hearts: Number XV

In The World That Never Was, there is a group of beings called Nobodies. These Nobodies, beings without hearts or emotions, have named themselves Organization XIII. The sole purpose of the Organization is to collect hearts to complete Kingdom Hearts, which will give all of the Nobodies that are a part of Organization XIII hearts of their own.

This story comes in after the deletion of the Castle Oblivion members, but before the downfall of Organization XIII and all of its members. However, there is a slight difference: the addition of another member. Other than Roxas and Xion, there was another Keyblade wielder among their rnaks. His name was Xylke, otherwise known as Number XV. He was kept secret in the sense that only Xemnas and Saix knew of is existence. He was even excluded from the Proof of Existence. All of his life was simply devoted to collecting hearts for the Organization.

This is his story...
_ _ _ _ _
"Awaken," Saix barked, entering Xylke's hidden room. Xylke sat up in his bed and shook his hair until its look satisfied him. He turned his body to face Saix, who had his usual stern look plastered to his face.

"So, what is it today, Saix?" Xylke asked after he let out a yawn. Any number of missions could be assigned to him, but Xylke was already expecting Saix's response.

"Today you will collect hearts in Twilight Town," Saix said calmly. "Prepare yourself and leave at once." With that Saix vanished into the Darkness.

Xylke sighed and hopped out of bed. He walked to the mirror on the opposite side of the room and stared at himself: his light green eyes, his sandy-blonde hair long enough to cover his eyes (which it generally did), his sturdy, built, late-teen body underneath the black robes that signified his belonging to the Organization.

With a flash, Xylke summoned the Keyblade to his hand. It's bright goold handle and shiny silver shaft never ceased to amaze him. Again he looked in the mirror to see his battle stance: a two-handed grip on the Keyblade with his right leg in front of his left.

"To Twilight Town," Xylke said to himself, lifting his free hand to open a portal to the Organization's primary source of travel: the Darkness. He walked into the oval-like portal and vanished from his room.
_____
The sun shone down on Xylke as he exited the Darkness and entered the golden-brown-themed town. He raised his hand to shade his eyes from the sun and looked around for a sign of any Heartless. Nothing. With no sign of movement, he reached into his robes and pulled out a red and white Pokeball.

"Lucifer!" Xylke called out as a sleek-coated black Umbreon appeared in front of him. The dog-like Pokemon yawned and sat attention, waiting for an order.

"Today's mission is to hunt down Heartless, so I need you to use your senses to search them out," Xylke said. Lucifer simply nodded and closed his eyes, using his psychic powers to feel for the presence of hearts that were torn away from their owners.. When he opened his eyes he ran to his right, Xylke following behind. Lucifer followed the tramway until the two reached the bridge near the woods. Sure enough, many mage-like Yellow Opera were hovering above the ground. Underneath the Opera were many Shadows, which were black and bug-like, crawling around aimlessly.

"Good job Lucifer," Xylke smirked, even though any 'emotions' he showed were faked. He jumped into the air and swung the Keyblade with speed, power, and accuracy. Only a couple hits from the Keyblade destroyed the Heartless and sent the pink hearts sky-bound. Xylke continued to hack and slash at the Heartless until they had all vanished and Lucifer nodded to reassure Xylke that there were no more in the area.

After the first batch of Heartless were defeated, Xylke and Lucifer continued their search and destroy mission, collecting hearts in mere minutes. Twilight Town, which had been teeming with Heartless only a few hours before, was completely void of Heartless for the time being.

Xylke shouldered his Keyblade and flashed his teeth at Lucifer. "Nice job today," he said. "Can you believe those Heartless were so easy to defeat?" Xylke laughed at this and Lucifer nodded as though he too did not have a heart.

" Well... since our mission is done here, I guess we should Return to the Castle." Xylke said, opening the portal to the Darkness. "Lucifer: return." The Umbreon was sucked into his Pokeball and placed in his rightful spot on Xylke's belt.

Xylke faced the portal and attempted to enter- when a strange sensation hit him. It felt like he was being targeted by something.

Xylke quickly turned to to face an alleyway on his left and saw the slightest hint of movement: a newspaper being swept away by the draft of a creature swiftly running into the alley. "Bingo," Xylke said, waving his hand to close the portal. He followed the thing causing the disturbance into the darkness of the alley.

Though his sight was slightly obscured Xylke could make out a small Pokemon desperately looking for a way out of the dead-end alley. Further examination showed that the little beast was Lotad- and a large one at that; in fact, it was at least twice the size of an average Lotad.

That's odd, Xylke thought. Pokemon don't usually inhabit the town... The Lotad must have become aware of his spectator because it slowly turned to face Xylke. The Lotad immediately assumed a defensive position, showing it meant business.

"Oh please," Xylke laughed. "I don't have the intentions to hur-" Xylke was interrupted by a large amount of water filling his mouth. The now annoyed Lotad had aimed a Water Gun attack directly at Xylke. He coughed and spat, and finally recovered enough to say, "Very funny. -coughcough- I don't have time to -hackcough- deal with you!"

Xylke turned to the portal he had just opened and staggered his way through it. Before it closed, he glimpsed the Lotad dashing out og the alley towards the woods.
_____
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Last edited by Chromatic Alchemist; 09-25-2010 at 12:26 AM.
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  #2  
Old 09-25-2010, 12:25 AM
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Default Re: Kingdom Hearts: Number XV [NOT COMPLETE]

Xylke woke up to Saix's voice again.

"Today you will be sent to Twilight Town again to eliminate large group of Dire Plants," Saix informed Xylke. "Our sources say there is a Pokemon leading the Heartless. Once you are ready, depart immediately." Again Saix left without a word.

"A Pokemon leader," Xylke said said aloud. It wasn't uncommon for Pokemon and Heartless to team up and work together, but he couldn't help to wonder if it was the Lotad that had caused today's mission to occur. With a light grunt, Xylke got out of bed and grabbed three or four Potions from his closet. He summoned a portal and walked through to Twilight Town.

On the other side it was morning, so the sun wasn't really a bother for Xylke today.

Xylke called Lucifer out and explained to him the purpose of the mission. Lucifer closed his eyes and when he opened them he ran in the direction of the woods. I don't believe it, Xylke thought.

Lucifer slowed down upon reaching the entrance of the woods. Xylke couldn't blame him as the woods were rather creepy. They always gave Xylke a sense that he was being watched by a completely unknown force.

"Come on Lucifer," Xylke began, "we have a job to complete." The two continued through the crevice on the side of the city wall.

The forest ares through the crevice was the same as always: quiet, dark, and gloomy. Xylke just shrugged off his contempt and followed Lucifer to the Old Mansion, which was to the immediate left of the entrance to the woods. As Xylke entered the yard of the gates to the mansion, Lucifer growled. This was a sure sign that Heartless were near. Xylke summoned the Keyblade and turned 360 degrees to look for the rooted plant-like Heartless known as Dire Plants.

"Where the hell are they?" Xylke asked, puzzled. "If you can sense them, then why haven't they popped up yet?" Xylke spoke too soon: as soon as he finished his question the large Lotad from yesterday leaped out of the nearby bushes. "You!" Xylke gasped. But that wasn't all, for with the Lotad a dozen green-stemmed, pink-leaved Dire Plants surrounded Xylke and Lucifer.

"Dammit!" Xylke shouted as one of the Dire Plants shot a seed at him. He easily deflected it to damage one of the Dire Plants instead, but he could only block so many at once. "Game plan, Lucifer: I'll take the Heartless, you handle the Lotad!"

"Umbreon!" Lucifer barked, charging out of the Heartless crowd. Lucifer assumed an offensive stance across from the Lotad and opened his mouth wide. He focused his power on the energy ball that began to appear. He finally let lose the Shadow Ball when it became the size of his head, and it hit right on target, knocking the Lotad back a few feet.

Meanwhile, Xylke was doing his best against the Dire Plants: he had fallen five with a combination of phsyical attacks, deflecting seeds, and fire magic. One of the remaining plants launched another seed at Xylke's backside, and he quickly placed the Keyblade behind him to deflect the attack and destroy the Heartless, releasing it's pink heart.

After Lotad's first hit, it quickly countered with an explosive Water Gun Lucifer couldn't dodge in time to avoid the attack, so the blast of water impacted on his left ribs. He flinched and dug his feet in the ground, but quickly recovered and cloned himself four times with Double Team. The five Lucifers ducked as a stray Dire Plant seed flew in their direction, and the Lotad took the chance to destroy a clone with another Water Gun. Lucifer held back no longer: he dashed at the Lotad as fast as he could, his clones right beside him. Just before impact, Lucifer's clones disappeared and the real Lucifer bit down hard on the Lotad's leg. The poor creature half-squeaked and half-squawked as it bounced back and flailed his injured led, now releasing blue-green colored blood.

Xylke was down to his last two Dire Plants, and it was obvious the battle was in his favor. He had only used two Potions during the fight, so he wasn't wasting his precious items. It's time to end this, Xylke thought. He leaped into the air and spun fast, nailing one of the Dire Plants directly in the head twice. As Xylke landed the Heartless exploded and its heart floated to the heavens. Were Xylke not focused on his last target he would have been hit by another seed. He whipped his Keyblade to his front and braced it with his left hand along the shaft. The seed was deflected, and thus the last Heartless was vanquished.

Xylke now turned his attention to his Umbreon. "How are you holding up, Lucifer?" Xylke asked. Intruth, Lucifer was winning his battle as well. The Lotad was now barely able to move, much less attack, due to his wounded leg. "Stop toying around and faint him Lucifer!" Xylke ordered. Lucifer nodded and opened his mouth to perform Shadow Ball again. He released it and the two watched as the Lotad was slammed into a nearby wall. It limply fell to the ground and moved no longer.

"And so ends the fake king's reign," Xylke muttered. Though he was insulting the Pokemon, Xylke was actually thinking about capturing the Lotad. It was large and very strong, which were excellent attributes for a new team member. "What the hell," Xylke sighed as he pulled an empty Pokeball from his belt. He threw the sphere and watched the red beam flash and then the wobbling began. Once it jiggled. Twice. Three times...
_ _ _ _ _

Pokemon: Lotad
Characters (Needed): 10,000 - 20,000
Characters (Total): 11,790
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Last edited by Chromatic Alchemist; 11-14-2010 at 01:26 AM.
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  #3  
Old 11-15-2010, 01:33 AM
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Default Re: Kingdom Hearts: Number XV

I...no, what is this? I don't even...

Alright. 'tis claimed for grading
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Old 11-15-2010, 06:48 AM
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Default Re: Kingdom Hearts: Number XV

Introduction:

Ahhh! Hrm. Hmm...

Those were my first three reactions when I read the first two paragraphs of your introduction. It started off kinda interesting with talk of the World That Never Was. Then I was suddenly hit by the name "Castle Oblivion" which I may have heard before, but I still don't know what it is, so I was a little confused. Then I started to go "Hmm... O.o" because I was reading all these names and since I haven't played KH in a very long time, I haven't a clue who these people are.

See, in a more analytical sense, you began by explaining to me the world of Kingdom Hearts as if I (the reader) has no idea what it is. Then in the next paragraph you began to use names and terms without any explanation as to who/what you are talking about. It was a sudden switch--from a standpoint of the reader knows almost nothing, to expecting the reader to know who so and so is.

I then continued to read on and found out that you explained more about Saix 'n all :D That's good. Overall, it was a neat introduction. I'm not big on intros that start out explaining about the world the story is in and the main characters; usually I like those details worked into the story, but that is a personal preference and nothing more than what it is.
--
Plot:

Hmm, a Kingdom Hearts theme. Cool. It wasn't a super-big/strong plot, but it didn't need to be. It was an interesting view in the day of Xylke's life.

There was a period where it felt that the plot could have expanded on, or at least explained some more. It's the start of the second post, where Xylke finds out a Pokemon is leading the Heartless in Twilight Town. I mean, it feels like Xylde could have thought or talked some more on the whole Heartless Leader Pokemon thing. It felt a bit sudden and important, but wasn't really treated as that important.

--
Grammar:

I spotted some typos, but generally nothing major. Remember that "It's" is a contraction of "it is" ("It's okay.") and "Its" is a possessive ("Its bright gold handle shone in the moonlight.").

I suggest you proofread more. Do it a few times before you post your story and also do it at different times of the day, that way you aren't always tired or upset or whatnot when you proofread. Some of the errors could have been caught with a spellchecker. I don't have one myself, but I do use Firefox and it automatically underlines errors in red.

--
Description:

There were spots in the story that you just kind of flew over without stopping to describe anything. For example:

Quote:
"Awaken," Saix barked, entering Xylke's hidden room. Xylke sat up in his bed and shook his hair until its look satisfied him.
Umm, the dude has a hidden room. Can anyone say awesome? :D But you don't say that. In fact, you don't say anything. Why does he have a hidden room? There has to be a reason. Readers notice odd and neat things like this and they want to know the why behind such neat features.

I mean, that is something you want to be aware of in future stories. Every detail, every sentence, every paragraph adds or detracts from the story. Thus you should think about the details you are giving (or holding back) from the reader and the way you present those details. If there is something that is not incredibly common or obviously logical, then you usually want to explain it.

And about the above quote: Xylke didn't react to Saix entering his room suddenly and disturbing him from sleep, but you would think that most people would be a little bothered, y'know? How come Xylke wasn't? I mean, the first thing Xylke does is his shake his head like a dog until his hair is thrown about the right away. I mean, Xylke may be vain, but is he really so vain that Saix popping into the room has no effect on him whatsoever?

And then when Xylke popped open the portal to Twilight Town...You barely described the portal, nor did you describe the emotions of Xylke being woken up and sent off right away on a mission or really mention anything about the current situation. It's just that it felt like you rushed things along a bit.

Another thing: Overall, you did well when it came to describing things, but there's this rather cliche moment. It happens when the main character leaps out of bed and looks in the mirror. The author than uses the fresh-out-of-bed-lets-look-in-mirror moment to describe the main character.

No. Please, don't do that xD Have Saix marvel at this vain teenage boy, with his wild blonde hair and sleepy green eyes. Add in a paragraph where Saix is in the act of doing something that lets his personality show through (like if he added mascara to his face--to show if he was vain, or if he carefully checked any weapons he might have to make sure they are okay--which would show how careful a boy he is or something) and add in a chunk of the description then. Or whatever else tickles your fancy. Don't often use the "caught my reflection in the mirror/shiny tea pot/window/whatever" way.

And when Xylke went into Twilight Town. I don't really know what it looks like, or what it feels like. Did he come out on a dark, deserted street? Surrounded by derelict buildings with the sun setting/rising? Or did he come out on a side street near a bustling tavern?

And finally:

Quote:
"Very funny. -coughcough- I don't have time to -hackcough- deal with you!"
Usually you don't see people doing the actual coughing noises in dialogue. They are added in elsewhere, like "He coughed, choking on the water and spluttered, 'Very funny!" or along those lines.

I spent a lot of time on this section because overall you did well :D But you can also really polish things up and you aren't a brand new author, so I think you can use this information/encouragement.

--
Battle:

Hmm. It was fairly even, which is a big thing I look for. I felt perhaps that the Lotad should have fought a bit more though. You also described the attacks, which is good. The battle even kinda fit into the overall plot fairly smoothly. You had a Pokemon on Pokemon battle, but also had a Pokemon on Heartless battle, which I find awesome and creative :D

--
Length:

11,278 characters :) Nice. Btw, Lotad is a Simple 'mon, thus you need only 5-10k

--
Outcome:

Psssh, I only went on so much 'cause this was fairly good, though it could have really shined. Anyway, Lotad Captured Congrats! If you have any questions/feedback, then post here or PM/VM me.

--
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Last edited by Dragoness; 11-15-2010 at 05:14 PM.
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