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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 06-13-2010, 10:28 AM
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Default The Journey of a Thousand Miles

(Quick Note: This is a redo of my second story)

Pilot Story:


The journey of a thousand miles




“A journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step,” thinks Pan as he walks to Professor Birch’s Lab to obtain his first Pokemon. He wore his favourite outfit, a black T-shirt and jean trousers. He had a wider range to chose from, but his favourite colours were black and blue. The sun was shining intensely, and as a result Pan decided to wear a white hat. It was a beautiful day outside; the birds were singing and there wasn’t a single cloud in the sky.

“Good morning, Pan! How are you?” asks Professor Birch.

“Fine thanks, Professor,” Pan replies.

“Well, here’s the Pokemon I promised. You journeyed a long way for just a Nincada.”
Pan stared blankly at the ceiling, trying to remember as much as he could about his Pokemon-to-be. “I’m afraid I don’t know much about Nincada. I know it evolves into two different Pokemon, one of which looks like a Ninja, and I was really enthusiastic about getting a cool-looking Pokemon. Professor Oak told me it’s native to the Hoenn region, so he said you’d probably have one.”

“ Nincada is a Bug-Type Pokemon, and is quite common around these parts. Are you sure you don’t want a rarer one, like Torchick or Mudkip?” the Professor asks. Pan chuckles, as the first thing that came to mind when hearing those Pokemon’s names was a bucket of chicken wings and an overused internet joke.

“No, thank you, sir. Nincada’s good enough for me. I think I’ll name it… Ninja! Thanks, Professor!” Pan says enthusiasticly as the Professor reluctantly hands him the Pokeball with the Trainee Pokemon. “Goodbye and thanks again!” and with that Pan exits the lab smiling.

As he exits he bumps into a man wearing a red suit-the colour of lava, with a brownish “M” symbol on his torso. The man grunts and shoves him out of the way. The man was accompanied by a group of similarly-dressed people who enter the lab and gather round the Professor. “This can’t be good. I better help out.” Pan thinks as he clenches the Pokeball containing Nincada. Pan sneaks back into the lab and hides in the shadows to see what’s going on. “Thank goodness I’m wearing these dark clothes, or I’d be seen” he thinks, holding his breath in an attempt to be as stealthy and silent as possible. After some indistinct conversation between the Professor and the group, one member assaults Birch. He lands a punch in the Professor’s stomach, and he falls to the floor in pain.
Pan decides to take action now, before anything else can happen to the Professor. He tosses his Pokeball in the air and says “Ninja, go!” With that, the Pokeball opens up and Ninja appears in a flash of red light. This was the first time Pan had actually seen a Nincada. It was a greenish grey with tiny wings, obviously not meant for flying. Infact, it looked more like its body was built for digging.

“Well, well, well, what have we here? A meddler, that’s what! No one messes with Team Magma! Poochyena, go!” says a Magma Grunt as he throws a Pokeball of his own, and a dog-like pokemon with a tenebrous hue appears in another flash of light.

Pan steps out of the shadows. “ Ninja, attack with… er, what attacks do you know anyway?”

“ Tell Ninja to use Metal Claw on Poocyena!” Professor Birch attempts to cry out, but it came out like a wheeze. That punch must have been quite a blow, and he still appeared to have trouble catching his breath. Regardless, Pan understood what the Professor was trying to advize.

“If you say so, Professor. Ninja, use Metal Claw on the Poochyena!” Pan commanded.

“Poochyena, use Crunch on that Nincada!” The Team Magma grunt ordered.

Ninja’s claws started glowing as it slashed the Poochyena, which bit the bug-type Pokémon with great force.

“Those were both awesome attacks!” Pan states as he stares at the Pokemon, as if he was mesmerized.

“Pan, snap out of it and tell Ninja what attack to use! Tell him to use Mind Reader!” the Professor manages to say, starting to recover, but one of the other grunts hits him on the back of the head.

“Thanks Professor,” Pan says and nods. “Don’t worry, I’ll save you! Ninja, use Mind Reader!” Pan says and Ninja starts focusing on Poochyena, trying to read its mind and observe what it will do next.

“Poochyena, use Crunch again!” the Team Magma Grunt says, as Poochyena crunches Ninja once more.

“I’m doomed,” the Professor mutters hopelessly. “Pan, Ninja’s moves are: Scratch, Harden, Leech Life, Sand Attack, Fury Swipes, Mind Read-“ Professor Birch is tried to say in hope that maybe Pan can defeat the Magma Grunt if he knows his Pokémon’s moveset, but the Grunts around him pinned him to the floor and gagged him. He muffled something that sounded like “Good Luck!”

“Looks like I’m on my own now! Ninja, use Fury Swipes!” Pan said and his Nincada started slashing furiously at the Poochyena.

“Poochyena, Roar!” says the Team Magma Grunt when he saw that he was losing. His Poochyena roared, scaring away the Nincada.

“Ninja, don’t be afraid! Its bark is worse than its bite! Now use Metal Claw again!” Pan says, encouraging his first Pokemon back into battle. Ninja’s claws glow as he slashes Poochyena.

“Poochyena, use Assurance!” The Team Magma Grunt commands his Pokemon, and it struck the Nincada with an incredibly powerful blow.

“Ninja, no!” Pan cried out, in fear of losing the battle. He could hear the Team Magma Grunt laughing maniacally in the distance. But all he cared about was his Nincada. “Ninja, wake up!” He said as he tugged his Pokemon.

The Grunt appeared to be having a Bond Villain moment. He was laughing like a maniac and stated “It’s of no use, kid! Your Nincada is knocked out!” the Team Magma Grunt says triumphantly and continues laughing. “With you and the Professor out of the way, we can take the Lab Pokemon and the Professor’s notes and use them to help us awaken the legendary Groudon!”

“I hate to interrupt you, but I don’t think so!” Pan says.

“Huh? What’s happening?!” says the Team Magma Grunt, astonished.

“I have no idea, but it’s really cool.”

Ninja, the Nincada starts to glow a bright white. It splits in two. One of the two sprouts magnificent white wings with red tips, turns a darker colour and has what looks like a golden helmet and resembles a ninja. The other one looks hollow, turns a dark brown and has what appears to be a halo. Nincada has successfully evolved into Ninjask, the Ninja Pokemon and Shedinja, the Shed Pokemon!
Professor Birch, who may have been gagged, but thankfully not tied, pulls a Pokeball out of his pocket and rolls it to Pan, who withdraws Shedinja. He notices a note on the Pokeball…
“I’ll name you Stealth,” Pan says to Shedinja. “In the meantime…” he says and reads the note, “Ninja, use X-Scissor!” He says and the Ninjask slashes the Poochyena in an X pattern. The damaged Poochyena can’t take any more, and drops to the ground, unconscious.
“Come on! Evolve, why don’t you evolve too, you mangy mutt?! You’re useless!” The Team Magma Grunt screams in frustration, and withdraws Poochyena in it’s Pokeball in a flash of red light. “Grr… You meddling brat! I’ll get you someday!” While the Grunts are distracted, Birch seizes two Pokeballs from a shelf behind him and send out a green lizard and a red chicken, who attack the Grunts with an array of seeds and flames, driving them back until they leave the premises and flee.
“Wow! Excellent start! I’m impressed, Pan!” Professor Birch congratulates him happily and gives him a pat on the back.

“Thank you, Professor! After all, I couldn’t have done it without your instructions!

“Yes, but it was your strategy that defeated the Team Magma Grunt and his Poochyena.” The Professor noted. “You better head out to Oldale town to begin your journey.”

“OK. Bye Professor, and thanks for everything!”

“ Bye, Pan! Be safe!”

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“Worthless, pathetic excuse for a Pokemon! I should never have caught you!” The Team Magma Grunt mutters, and discards the Pokeball containing the Poochyena…


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  #2  
Old 09-27-2010, 11:07 AM
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Exclamation Re: The Journey of a Thousand Miles

I claim this story!
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Old 09-29-2010, 09:49 PM
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Smile Re: The Journey of a Thousand Miles

Introduction: From the first paragraph, we learn where Pan is, why he is there and what he is wearing. The first two are basics and you managed to mention them very well in the text, with two simple phrases. The third one, on the other hand, although it is important too, it lacks something essential: the description of Pam himself. How am I supposed to know how he looks, if I have only been told what he looks like. Is he tall, short, fat, slim? Whatcolour are his skin, hair eyes, lips? What shape does his nose, ears, chin have? Are his arms, legs very long? You don’t have to be too descriptive, but you should at least answer the first two questions. And then, what’s his character like. I am not asking you to tell me what he thinks about his meeting with the professor, which is also important (excited, nervous, afraid, sad, wants to throw a punch at the prof and steal his pokemon, happy because he will get his first pokemon, tired because he had to wake up early) but to describe, or at least mention, some basic traits of his personality. For example, you could say that he always believed in cooperation and thus getting a pokemon to live an adventure with is a dream coming true. You see how I linked the reaction/feeling of the hero to his personality, which is also good, because it proves that that’s his character indeed and makes the reaction/feeling appear logical.

Plot: Your plot was simple and generally fine for a Pochyena. Nevertheless, there are some slight issues. For instance, you used people from the series. Not bad at all, because if you involve them properly in the story, it is a plus for it. However, many people consider a thief or whatever, and a limitation of your imagination. The truth is that a completely original story has more chances of being interesting. In addition, such stories have a higher risk of becoming cliché, and yours was no exception. A group of villains attacks and the trainer tries to stop them. I am not saying that your story was cliché of course, as it did contain many original points, but it was on the verge of becoming. And being on the verge of is something you do not want to happen. Just be as much original as you can.
Now, for some more specific observations. Pan walks in says hello to the professor, gets his pokeball and instantly leaves. Just imagine. Would this actually happen in real life? If I were the professor, I would have given the kid a kick and taken the pokemon back. From what I understood, Pan doesn’t live in littleroot and it’s the first time he meets the professor (because he says that professor Oak told him to find Birch). And all he has to say is “Fine thanks, professor.” How about a “How do you do?” or actually introducing himself to the prof. So should the professor do too. Even if we forget about the introducing part, Birch just gives Pan the ball and lets him run along? Shouldn’t he give him some tips, or tell him that having a pokemon is a big responsibility and blah blah blah? All he has to say is that Nincada is not rare? You need to make your story seem realistic, because, otherwise, it won’t please neither the reader, nor the grader, and we don’t want that, do we?
In addition, two thirds of the story are the battle. It is a good battle, yes, but this doesn’t mean it should be the only thing happening. It didn’t bother me while I was reading the story, but, after finishing, when I thought “Hmm… What did I just read?” I realised there was a problem. Your story has to be short, because you are going for a simple pokemon, and I may neglect it. But as stories get bigger, this turns into a weakness, as it shows that the plot is empty, so keep it in mind.
Then again, when the battle is over, all Birch and Pan to say is congratulations, thanks for your help, oh no you should thank yourself, ok bye. It’s like at the start. You have to be realistic. Birch has just been hit and punched by the grunts, and now he is ok? And even if he is, isn’t Pan concerned at all? Poor dialogues suggest that you haven’t thought enough about the story, even if you have. So always improve them as much as you can.
Finally, Pan forget all the possible risks and dangers, and decides to help Birch just like that. It is too quick. You could say that he was watching them without being seen and that he accidentally hits on something. The Grunt then hears the noise and threatens him to reveal himself or the professor will get hurt. Thus, Pan is forced to have a battle. It’s a more logical approach this way.

Grammar/spelling/general use of words:
• The sun was shining intensely, and as a result Pan decided to wear a white hat.
Try to separate phrase and words like thus, as a result, however etc, with commas. “…and, as a result, Pan…”
• It’s also good separating phrases that contain, because, as, although, despite…
“As he exits he bumps…”
You need a comma after exits.
• “He lands a punch in the Professor’s stomach, and he falls to the floor in pain.”
If I quick-read this phrase, I understand that the grunt fell. You need to be careful with subjects. Unless you declare that the subject changes by naming it (Prof. Birch fell…). Otherwise, it is better keeping the same subject. In our case, you can use a who and the problem is solved (… stomach, who falls…)
• “Pan understood what the Professor was trying to advize.” It’s advice. Be aware of silly spelling mistakes.
• “Nincada has successfully evolved into Ninjask, the Ninja Pokemon and Shedinja, the Shed Pokemon!” Since you separate the ninja pokemon from the sentence it belongs too, which is correct and necessary, as it describes the word Ninjask, you need to separate from the sentence following, and put a comma before and.
• Avoid repeating words because it’s bad for your stories image. If you are obliged to refer to the same person/object twice, try to come up with other ways of calling it. For example, pokeball/ball/sphere, Ninjask/ninja pokemon/bug pokemon, Birch/the professor/he and so on.
• “The Team Magma Grunt screams in frustration, and withdraws Poochyena in it’s Pokeball in a flash of red light.”
We usually use scream to refer to piercing cries, so, unless the Grunt cries like a little girl, it would be better to use cry instead of scream.
In addition, it’s a relatively major mistake getting it’s and its confused. I don’t know if it’s a typo, but I have to point it out. It’s is actually it is, while its is used to show possession, like my, your, his, her etc. E.g.: “My kitten is playing with its toys.”

Punctuation/paragraphing:
• “ Nincada is a Bug-Type Pokemon, and is quite common around these parts. Are you sure you don’t want a rarer one, like Torchick or Mudkip?” the Professor asks. Pan chuckles…
You have to change paragraph after asks because the person you are referring to changes.
• The man was accompanied by a group of similarly-dressed people who enter the lab and gather round the Professor. “This can’t be good. I better help out.”
Again, we are talking about somebody else, so you have to change paragraph. However, if the man was the one talking, you wouldn’t have to.
• “This can’t be good. I better help out.” Pan thinks…
Whenever a dialogue ends with a full stop and there is a speech verb after it, the full stop must be replaced by a comma. But this happens only, I repeat ONLY, to full stops. Not to ?, not to !, not to … etc. In addition, the first letter of that phrase is a small. However, if the verb following isn’t a speech verb (which means if it is, instead of say, cry, yell, whisper, warn, menace, tell and such, a verb like laugh, giggle, chuckle, sob, roll eyes etc) the fullstop remains as it is and the following phrase starts with a capital, as it should.
• He tosses his Pokeball in the air and says “Ninja, go!” With that, the Pokeball opens up…
Paragraph change after go.
• But all he cared about was his Nincada. “Ninja, wake up!” He said as he tugged his Pokemon.
You were correct not changing paragraph after Nincada. But the he after wake up has to have a small h.

Dialogues: The problem with your dialogues was that they were unrealistic. And I have some more examples, apart from those in the plot part.
“With you and the Professor out of the way, we can take the Lab Pokemon and the Professor’s notes and use them to help us awaken the legendary Groudon!”
Boy isn’t that a stupid Grunt. He just revealed his whole plan to two strangers. But I guess the out of the way means that he is going to kill them. Still, it’s maybe a little cliché again. Acceptable, but maybe a little cliché, and generally people don’t like cliché things.
“Yes, but it was your strategy that defeated the Team Magma Grunt and his Poochyena.”
I am not really sure whether Pan used any strategies at all. As far as I understood, he was just using random moves, while the final X scissor attack was purely Birch’s idea. So, this dialogue is totally irrelevant with the story. The professor could say instead that it was Pan courage that saved them, because he had the guts to stand up against Team Magma and battle them, something that not everyone would do.

Battle: Your battle was ok. There were plenty of moves used and you did give a short description of them all. Nevertheless, you could be a little more descriptive. I will give you an example. I have rarely seen the move Assurance being used, and I really don’t understand how it looks like when used. Your description should allow me to understand that. But, unfortunately, it didn’t.
“Poochyena, use Assurance!” The Team Magma Grunt commands his Pokemon, and it struck the Nincada with an incredibly powerful blow.
From what you say, I imagine a move just like tackle. The user charges at the victim and hits it. That’s all. Even if this is what the move actually looks like, I do not feel that I have correctly understood. You need to add more details so I feel sure about what I am reading. Do not expect the reader to instantly recognize the move and thus understand what happens next.

Details: I noticed a small sneaky detail error. But I am telling you, it is sneaky.
“…the birds were singing and there wasn’t a single cloud in the sky.”
What birds? There are no animals in the pokemon world. Just pokemon. So, be more creative. The Chatot were singing, or the Swablu, since the story unfolds in Hoen. Or, the Pikachu were playing hide and seek. The Slakoth were loafing about etc. It’s just an observation. In general though, the details in your story were enough and satisfying.

Length: No problem.

Outcome:
Spoiler:
The basic problem of your story was that it had a tendency of getting cliché. So, remember, remember, remember: be realistic. Read again your story and think “Is what I am writing logical? Does it make sense?”. This can be applied for battles too, in case a description or use of a move is too unrealistic. The pokemon world doesn’t exist, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t follow the rules of the actual world. Other than that, your story was quite good, and I liked the title. Thus, you will have the joy of being informed that Poochyena was captured! Congratulations!
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Last edited by Team Pokemon; 09-29-2010 at 09:52 PM.
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