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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Interactive Boards » Creative Writing

Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 01-18-2011, 06:38 PM
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Default Imprisonment!

"Okay, here is the deal. If we wanna get out alive, we have to do just as I say," said Hitmonchan secretively. All Pokemon were stuck inside crates bound to a "relocation" area. They originally had been with their trainers, but Team Plasma decided to bring them to their natural habitats.

Starly was not looking forward to being dropped off, he was the first to be left behind from the group of nervous boys, "Er, can you go over the plan again?"

"Ugh, yet again. Here is the plan. Grimer swallows everything he sees."

"No I don't, I am bulimic," lied the deep-voiced pile of slime.

"What? You just said you ate everything!" yelled Hitmonchan in anger.

"Umm, let me see," the Grimer paused to think what he had said just a few minutes ago. The long moment it took Grimer to simply think what he had discussed with the ring leader before made Hitmonchan's eye twitch in fury. "Oh yeah! I DO eat everything! Haha! My bad!"

All the Pokemon had helled their breath, nervous to see if they could escape. There were loud gasps as they swallowed more air.

"Good, well, Grimer is going to throw up a spoon, and we will dig ourselves out," explained the leader.

A young young Magnemite looked at Hitmonchan angrily, "What the heck are you thinking?"

"Yeah, you are obviously ripping off a movie!" yelled a Pikachu.

Hitmonchan looked to see all the Pokemon looking fiercely at him. But then, raze of light seemed to be looking through the container. When all the Pokemon looked up, they saw a man with pure sunshine coming out of his mouth. This was not a relocation experiment being performed by Team Plasma, they were being shipped to a new region, their trainers lined up to receive them.

Starly, once nervous, looked back to to Hitmonchan and smirked, "Unluckily for you, you jerk, I have type advantage."
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Last edited by Teddiursa of the Sky; 01-18-2011 at 07:34 PM.
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  #2  
Old 01-18-2011, 07:06 PM
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Default Re: Imprisonment!

what a waste of time.
enjoy the CC.
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  #3  
Old 01-18-2011, 07:10 PM
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Default Re: Imprisonment!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Masami View Post
what a waste of time.
enjoy the CC.
It was a short for comedic benefit.
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  #4  
Old 01-18-2011, 07:12 PM
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Default Re: Imprisonment!

I don't see your point, considering comedic should atleast be amusing, at a minimum.
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  #5  
Old 01-18-2011, 07:15 PM
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Default Re: Imprisonment!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Masami View Post
I don't see your point, considering comedic should atleast be amusing, at a minimum.
That is your opinion. If you continue these annoying arguments, I will have you blocked.
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Old 01-18-2011, 07:17 PM
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Default Re: Imprisonment!

For a start, have me 'blocked' from what?
Posting my opinion on a fan fiction is perfectly fine, if you can't take critisism, don't write, I haven't trolled, or insulted anyone, I simply said this wasn't funny, and a waste of time.
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  #7  
Old 01-18-2011, 07:20 PM
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Default Re: Imprisonment!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Masami View Post
For a start, have me 'blocked' from what?
Posting my opinion on a fan fiction is perfectly fine, if you can't take critisism, don't write, I haven't trolled, or insulted anyone, I simply said this wasn't funny, and a waste of time.
It is the rather rude way you put it. You could have simply done actual constructive criticism. Do you know how to do that?

You point out the good things about it, and then you point out the flaws. You don't simply say, "That sucks" or as you put it, "what a waste of time.
enjoy the CC" and "I don't see your point, considering comedic should atleast be amusing, at a minimum" which is horrible. If you want to offer CC, I can take it. If you want to troll, you can stop speaking. And since when do you write fan fics?
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Old 01-18-2011, 07:23 PM
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Default Re: Imprisonment!

Fairly good grammar, not comedic what so ever.
Enjoy the CC.
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  #9  
Old 01-18-2011, 07:28 PM
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Default Re: Imprisonment!

Now this is where I calmly say thank you and explain and improve upon:

Thanks! I used to use Word and then a cheap program called Rainbow Words, but then I just decided to write without any grammar or spell-checker. So this is great news, as I have not assistance in the grammar department.

As for the comedic benefit, this was originally a script written for a guy on Youtube. So, I had planned to send the guy music too, I might do Voice Acting bit for this with the music. The music is what makes the, what would have been, video. Also, I try to keep it kid friendly without any adult (or potty humor) references, which is where a lot of my humor really originates from. I try to be more ironic and sarcastic than anything else.

It is for the kids! xD
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  #10  
Old 01-20-2011, 12:21 PM
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Default Re: Imprisonment!

Wow. I'm totally gonna kick arse with my crit. :P HERE COMES THE GRAMMAR NAZI. *alert alert*

Quote:
Originally Posted by TitaniumAnimations View Post
Starly was not looking forward to being dropped off, he was the first to be left behind from the group of nervous boys, "Er, can you go over the plan again?"
1. The comma after 'off' should be a semicolon because it can't just be a comma, since commas are not sentence separators. If it was correct as a comma, there would be a joining word like 'since' or 'as' or whatever. If the two halves (i.e. the parts of the sentence on either side of the comma) of the sentence can stand on their own, then there should be a semicolon between them.

2. I believe 'boys' should be 'males', since you don't call a male pokemon a 'boy'. xD

3. Also, that comma before the speech should be a period. If you introduced his speech before having him speak, then the comma would be appropriate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TitaniumAnimations View Post
"No I don't, I am bulimic,"
Lol. Anyway, that comma after "don't" should be a semicolon, because the sentence can't be joined by a comma.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TitaniumAnimations View Post
"Umm, let me see," the Grimer paused to think what he had said just a few minutes ago.
Since you didn't have "said Grimer" or whatever after the speech, and the following sentence about Grimer thinking is a separate sentence, the comma after 'see' should be a period, and the 't' in 'the' should be a capital. Also, I think it would make more sense as "...paused to think about what he had said..." (etc etc).

Quote:
Originally Posted by TitaniumAnimations View Post
All the Pokemon had helled their breath, nervous to see if they could escape.
'held', mate. "Helled"...how interesting. xDDD

Quote:
Originally Posted by TitaniumAnimations View Post
A young young Magnemite looked at Hitmonchan angrily, "What the heck are you thinking?"
Again, you can only have that comma if you have 'and said' after 'Hitmonchan'. Otherwise, make it a period.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TitaniumAnimations View Post
But then, raze of light seemed to be looking through the container. When all the Pokemon looked up, they saw a man with pure sunshine coming out of his mouth. This was not a relocation experiment being performed by Team Plasma, they were being shipped to a new region, their trainers lined up to receive them.
First off, 'rays' is the plural for 'ray', not 'raze'. xD Second, this whole paragraph really confuses me. I don't get the fact that a man had sunshine coming from his mouth... Well, I guess that's a "WTF LOL" moment, but what follows makes no sense. ._. And even though I don't understand it, that comma after 'Plasma' should be a semicolon, since, again, they're separate sentences and do not work as one.

So overall...I guess I can't comment much about it, since I know it's a script, not a story. o: If it WERE a story, I would have a lot to say, but for now I'll leave the rest up to you. xD

~GS.

EDIT: Also, why is it "for the kids"? xDDD
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Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 01-20-2011 at 01:40 PM.
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  #11  
Old 01-20-2011, 04:08 PM
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Default Re: Imprisonment!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune View Post


So overall...I guess I can't comment much about it, since I know it's a script, not a story. o: If it WERE a story, I would have a lot to say, but for now I'll leave the rest up to you. xD

~GS.

EDIT: Also, why is it "for the kids"? xDDD
Lol!

Thanks, but I did not put much effort into this.

It is for the kids because I would rather not get in trouble on this site for provocative humor or foul language.
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  #12  
Old 01-20-2011, 08:58 PM
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Default Re: Imprisonment!

No worries. x) Yeah, considering it was first a Youtube script. xD It's okay. Maybe you should put something in the title like [script for voice acting] or something, so that people know. I think that rude person above me was expecting a story of some sort, so maybe for people like that, you should say something. Also, make sure you tell us what it's all about at the beginning of your post, because otherwise people won't know these things, which causes confusion and I don't think many people will comment. o:

Really? xD Well you could just put [PG 13+] in the title or something, and then a warning in
BIG RED LETTERS before the story that there's swearing/possibly distasteful humour, because then you've warned them, and it's their own free will that'll be getting them into trouble, not your script. xDDD

~GS.
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  #13  
Old 01-21-2011, 05:12 AM
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Default Re: Imprisonment!

The rude person above me has had it out for me since he joined this forum, so I really do not take it personally.

And it is forum policy not to be offensive isn't it?
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  #14  
Old 01-21-2011, 09:56 PM
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Default Re: Imprisonment!

Quote:
Originally Posted by TitaniumAnimations View Post
The rude person above me has had it out for me since he joined this forum, so I really do not take it personally.

And it is forum policy not to be offensive isn't it?
Seriously? =/ I wonder what his problem is. But really, if he's going to comment on people's stories, he should actually give constructive crit without having to be told.

Yeah, only to other members in general conversation. xD Stories are way different, man. Where anything can happen, and what happens in the story is what happens in the story, regardless of how violent or how much foul language (which you could probably tone down anyway, or at least asterisk it out) is in it. x) That's what I think, anyway.

~GS.
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  #15  
Old 01-21-2011, 09:59 PM
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Default Re: Imprisonment!

I know, I have been writing fan fics for a year now, however this is the first time I have ever done a script adaptation in this form.
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