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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #16  
Old 05-21-2010, 05:35 PM
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Default Re: The Shifting Darkness ~ [PG-13]


Chapter 3: Cont;



Surge whistled softly to himself as left the shoddy little cafe, his hands were firmly stuffed in his pocket and even though he had had a sleepless night he was still as wide awake as he was when he had woken. Was I really right to offer that? I mean, really? She’s just a young girl, inexperienced in life and at the moment a weak pokemon trainer. I’ve just offered to put her in the middle of some horrific danger zone, maybe I should just … He began to turn back towards the café, to tell Maddie it was useless, that it wasn’t safe for her when a small thought twanged in his head, that little annoying voice that contradicted everything he thought or said

Surge shook his head. No, I promised her she could come along. It would be unfair to turn her away like this. She knows the risks and she’s accepted them, and she’s right. It’s worth the risks to see the wonders of the world. Surge smiled to himself as he carried on into the night, heading back towards the hospital.


~#~


Chad was nothing short of bored. It was 5am, he couldn’t sleep and there was nothing to do in the hospital. Phil had curled up into a little ball, with his nose flopped over his face, and was snoring gently, occasionally letting out a toot when he took a deep breath. He looks so content and happy there. No worries in the world, Chad thought to himself he doesn’t know how lucky he is. Leaning back in his bed, Chad gently felt the scar, no mark, on his chest. Why? What have I ever done to this pokemon? Blimey, I haven’t even had my own pokemon until today! The only life I’ve ever known is this; school, Jack, the beach, my friends and my family. He sighed heavily to himself as the thoughts ran through his mind, threatening to drive him mad.

Chad looked across to his right, where his two pokeballs were, and picked the up, examining them absent-mindedly. This has got to be a dream. This can’t be real, no way. I’m just Chad Leones; a small town boy from Lilycove. Never did nothing important never done anything bad to anyone. Memories and thoughts were rushing through his mind; the first time he met Jack, his first game of football. Running down the beach in the morning and fishing with his father on Sundays. Chad smiled at all the happy memories of his childhood; it had been a good one after all; with loving caring parents and a best friend.

However other memories of his surfaced, ones he had forgotten or merely passed off as insignificant. The first time he lied, the first time he had been beaten up. He tried to shake them away, but when one traverses ones memories, its hard to skip the ones you don’t like. Closing his eyes he focused on the happy memories, the ones of Jack and dad and fishing – it worked and he buried the bad memories once again, until one single solitary memory remained. It was almost like it had never even been there, such an insignificant thing that he had passed by once he had seen it. Except now with the recent events of what had happened, he saw the memory in a new light. As he played the memory over and over again in his head, he started to shake with fear. This is the reason why this beast wants me! Chad thought desperately, and with great effort opened his eyes and let out a yell of fear, lurching for the assistance button and jamming it down with his fingers. It was a few minutes before help came, and he sat there shaking and sweating in pure terror – the image he had remembered playing in his head over and over again.

To anybody else, the image would mean next to nothing. To Chad however, it explained everything about why this was happening.

The memory had been only a few scant seconds long. It was of Lilycove city several months back. A busy Saturday as usual with people bustling about everywhere and Chad could hardly walk through the throng of people. In the memory he had turned towards the entrance of the city and spotted a rather unusual thing. A little pokemon in the shape of what could be explained as a baby fox standing near the corner of a building that was shaking and barking in what anybody could tell was fear. It was a pokemon unlike Chad had ever seen before, but what was he too know? He had never seen any pokemon outside of Lilycove, and the fact nobody paid any attention to it made it clear nobody cared. But it had struck Chad’s emotional chords to a point he felt sorry for the poor thing. So, the good person that he was, Chad began to walk over to the little fox pokemon to help it out. It was a tiny little thing, no more than two feet high and probably about forty pounds. It had a mane of red fur and the rest of its body was black. It yelped even more when it spotted Chad walking towards him, but he had held his hands out to show he meant to no harm. It hadn’t worked however, because the pokemon barked then ran off into the nearby bushes as he walked closer. After that, he had never seen it again, and passed it off as a pokemon that had gotten separated from its mother. And with that he had forgotten about it and got on with his life.

Except the thing that had scared him beyond belief now, was the fact the little fox pokemon looked exactly like a baby Zoroark.



- Finally got this chapter done! Believe it or not this tiny little part has taken me a week to do. Thats right, a week. I just couldn't get it to work, or sound the way I wanted it to sound. Still moving on, chapter 4 up soon :3

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  #17  
Old 05-22-2010, 01:56 AM
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Default Re: The Shifting Darkness ~ [PG-13]

Hmm... I read through this and I couldn't immediately pick out any grammer errors! :D PARTY TIME! ^^

But in all seriousness, great adittion! Who'd have guess it? Chad met a Zorua... But other than that, I really liked the description in this, especially when he's going through his memories. I think that's probably you're strongest writting so far. You really went through his head, and I could get a good sense of how he's feeling, the anxiety, the fear, all of it. Can't wait to see more. ^^

Oh, and don't feel too bad about taking too long; you know how long it takes me to write chapters. xD The longer you spend on it, the better it will be. And you could post the chapters all at once instead of sections like this. It would help it flow better, too.

This was pretty cool, cuz at the same time I'm listening to Utada's song Passion, but the version they play at the end of Kingdom Hearts II. Really fits the part where he's going through his memories. :3

Any-hoot, there we go. ^^
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  #18  
Old 05-23-2010, 05:28 PM
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Default Re: The Shifting Darkness ~ [PG-13]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Charmander009 View Post
Hmm... I read through this and I couldn't immediately pick out any grammer errors! :D PARTY TIME! ^^

But in all seriousness, great adittion! Who'd have guess it? Chad met a Zorua... But other than that, I really liked the description in this, especially when he's going through his memories. I think that's probably you're strongest writting so far. You really went through his head, and I could get a good sense of how he's feeling, the anxiety, the fear, all of it. Can't wait to see more. ^^

Oh, and don't feel too bad about taking too long; you know how long it takes me to write chapters. xD The longer you spend on it, the better it will be. And you could post the chapters all at once instead of sections like this. It would help it flow better, too.

This was pretty cool, cuz at the same time I'm listening to Utada's song Passion, but the version they play at the end of Kingdom Hearts II. Really fits the part where he's going through his memories. :3

Any-hoot, there we go. ^^

Is this possible? NO GRAMMER? WUHU *parties*

Thanks for reading through, I appriciate it a lot :) I did think I did well on this one, as when I read and re-read it it just fitted in my head :) So yea, I'm pretty proud of this bit. And I'll defo take up your advice, posting it in whole chapters would make flow better. Though to be honest your not THAT bad at updating :)

Ooo! Thats just given me an idea! If I could think of songs that related to each chapter/part then I could do a 'recommended' listening list! That would be awesome! Charmander your a genius!

Anyways, thanks for the feedback, appriciated as always :)
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  #19  
Old 05-24-2010, 04:37 PM
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Default Re: The Shifting Darkness ~ [PG-13]


Chapter 4: Secrets Best Forgotten


Surge’s walk in the dark took him longer than he expected. Perhaps it was due to the many different issues that had arisen, or the fact he just couldn’t sit still and was restless he didn’t know. But it was well past 5am when the pager bleeped loudly on his belt, making him jump in surprise. The pager was connected to Chad’s alarm button in the hospital, and would go off whenever he pressed it. The fact that it had gone off could only mean two things – Chad was in trouble, or something had happened upstairs. Regardless it was Surge’s responsibility to protect him - and with that thought he broke into a fast sprint toward the hospital that was a quarter of a mile away.

It was in this instance that he was glad of his army training from those years at war. Despite the fact he had left years ago, the mentality he had gained made him train every day to keep his fitness up. As a result his body was in prime physical shape, those strong leg muscles propelling him forwards now, and his level of fitness would mean he could go for a long time without stopping – more than enough to get to the hospital in time. Weaving down the winding streets without slowing down Surge could see the building in the distance. Another minute and he would be there, but that was time he couldn’t spare. True, the hospital staff would be rushing to his aid but he still wanted, no needed, to be there. For some strange reason he couldn’t explain, he felt bound to the kid, as if everything that had happened was his fault and he was responsible for the kid’s safety from now on. The Hoothoot and Noctowl above hooted loudly across the warm night, as if spurring the ex-general onwards.

Surge reached the hospital quicker than he had dared hope and burst through the doors downstairs, causing everyone to jump in surprise, and the Nurse Joy behind the reception desk scowled angrily at him yelling “Lt’ Surge! Be quiet! This is a hospital-“was all she managed before he was gone, running into the stairwell. He took great strides up the steps leaping three or four at a time. Chad was on the fourth floor and Surge was at the third in a matter of seconds. There was a slight sweat on his brow now, the kind you would have after just beginning an exercise routine, but that only served to drive him on harder, and much more relentlessly.

The fourth floor sign flashed brightly in the lamps light as he reached the door, the light reflecting off the laminate sign, and Surge wrenched the door open, nearly tearing it off its hinges. Turning right he belted down the corridor and finally reached Chad’s room at last. He practically barged the door open with his shoulder, sending vibrations through the room. Inside, Chad was sobbing hysterically like a five year old that had to stop using its favourite ‘blanky’. His arms were wrapped around his knees which had been pulled into his head and he was rocking backwards and forwards, staring straight at the wall across from him. Phil was on the bed, prodding Chad with his trunk and tooting loudly, calling “Master! Master!” The poor little pokemon had no idea what was even happening.

Surge sighed in relief that Chad had not been attacked. The room certainly looked untouched and the window was still closed. Walking over to Chad, Surge sat down on the bed and put an arm around the boy, pulling him close. “It’s okay Chad. I’m here now and it’s okay. Whatever happened has gone.” Surge said quietly, patting the boys head.

Chad looked up at Surge between sobs, his eyes teary and wide with fright. Shaking his head he replied “No … you don’t get it. It will never be gone Surge.” Gulping for a second he continued. “Zoroark thinks I’ve got its young. It thinks I’ve got its baby.” And with those words, a look of horror was instantly etched on Surge’s face as the realisation sunk in.


~#~


Inside those lost ruins at Lilycove city, Zoroark moved swiftly down the ancient stone steps. There was no light down here whatsoever, but the pokemon had enhanced vision, letting it see in the dark. There were strange carvings, in a language humanity had yet to discover, all over the walls as the spiral steps led down further and further. The beast hissed in annoyance at the amount of steps and sped up, going onto all fours to move faster, the vision of its lost young spurring its movements on. My Zorua, you stole it from me! I will have you little boy. I will make you squeal until you tell me where it is, the beast thought on the way down. It was desperate to get its young back, Zoroark in nature were ferociously defensive of its young, to the extent that it would kill, and this one was no exception.

As it reached the bottom of the stairs it leapt down the last few and landed softly on the cold stone floor, alert and aware. Before it was a small corridor just as dark as the stairs it had come down and it advanced down the corridor cautiously. These ruins hadn’t been entered in a long time, perhaps longer than humans had been around and there were sure to be defensive's against intruders. As it reached the end of the corridor it bore round to the left, to another corridor which had a torch at the end. Moving faster and with less caution now, Zoroark headed towards the end. Where are the defensive's? As the thought left its head it head a slight cracking from the wall too it’s left, and Zoroark froze in an instant, ears pricked for more sounds.

All of a sudden, an explosion about ten feet ahead from the wall to the left causing the beast to leap back in surprise, and barrelling through the dust came a Rhydon – evidently one of the guardians. A huge hulking beast of rock it was strongly built and had a horn twelve inches long on its nose. Its powerful tail thrashed from side to side and the stamping of its legs caused small tremors. It let out a primal roar as it charged towards Zoroark, aiming to knock him flying. However he was faster as he flitted with great speed to send the Rhydon flying with a dark powered punch. As it got to its feet it grunted in evident annoyance but grinned nonetheless.

“Intruder!” It bellowed, holding its arms out as its eyes changing to a pure red color. “Intruder alert!” Roaring, it charged forwards once again to swat aside Zoroark, and again found itself flying though the air – the speed at which Zoroark kicked it was incredible. It shifted uneasily on the floor, battered and beaten as Zoroark stepped over it, grunting in distaste.

As Zoroark walked away it spat a warning after the pokemon “You’ve come to a bad place, stranger. These ruins are far more ancient than your species. You’ll only be destroyed.”

Zoroark stopped for a second, as if contemplating the words. Then its head turned slightly, allowing the Rhydon to look into those cold blue eyes. “If they’re all as weak as you, I won’t have a problem.” It said simply, and then turned back and carried on to the end of the corridor.

“Fool.” The Rhydon said quietly after the pokemon.

The end of the corridor was in sight, with torchlight leading the way down to what looked like a door. Zoroark quickened its pace to get they’re faster, almost at a running speed now. There were more intricate carvings on the walls, a strange and ancient language forgotten by all outside the ruins. None of these mattered to Zoroark. What it had seen in the boys mind when it marked him was this mountain, that this was where Zorua had gone. It must be! Zorua must be in these ruins! No matter how she got down here she must be in here! Why else would the boys mind speak of this place? Hissing in annoyance at these thoughts it decided. If she’s not here, I will find the boy again. I will find him, and make him squeal. Growling once more the Zoroark neared the end of the corridor.

The door was built of stone It looked several thousand years old, maybe more, but was very sturdy and also locked. No matter, I will blast it apart, Zoroark thought as it leapt back. Charging a dark ball of energy it prepared to launch it at the door to blast it into nothingness.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” A girly, childlike voice came from behind Zoroark and she spun instantly, looking around for the origin.

“Who’s there?!”
Zoroark yelled into the darkness, the dark ball in its hands.

“Over here. Or maybe … over there?” The voice replied, seeming to come from all around the pokemon, confusing it. “Put that big nasty ball of dark energy away, and I promise I’ll come out.”

“Like I’m going to listen to you, show yourself or I’ll blow that door wide open!” Zoroark said, turning back to the door to show it meant its threat.

“I really wouldn’t if I were you. You might just kill yourself in the process. And we wouldn’t want that, would we?”
The voice came again, a hint of mirth in it, like it was mocking the Zoroark.

Growling in annoyance, Zoroark lowered the ball of dark energy. There was something about the voice that seemed to strike true. Luring, childish but honest; like a game between two kids where one told the other to keep it a secret.

“That’s better. See? I’m behind you now.” The voice said from behind Zoroark, and it spun instantly its blue eyes finding the floating shape of something grinning. Dark purple in colour and with a zip for a mouth the Banette hovered in the air slightly with its golden spiked ball flopping around from its behind. It had a childish grin on its face as it spoke. “So, you big bad monster, what’s your name?”

Growling Zoroark flexed its claws “My species is named Zoroark; you’re a Banette aren’t you?” It replied.

The Banette clapped its hands very fast in fake and sarcastic applause. “Oh well done! Very smart indeed, I could have trouble with you!” It said, its grin growing wider.

Zoroark was not impressed at this display. “Cut the crap. You’ve got my cub, I want it back.”

The clapping stopped abruptly and Banette’s face grew serious, the smile disappearing. “Cub? I don’t quite understand what you mean? I’m the gatekeeper, which means that door behind you is impenetrable unless I will it to open. And I assure you, I’ve let no cub through.” It said.

“I don’t care, my cub came down here. You must have seen it.”
Zoroark retorted.

Banette’s face now grew angry “Did you not just hear me? I saw no cub! And I would have known if Rhydon knew anything, because I would have heard the noise. NOW DON’T CALL ME A LIAR!” It bellowed the last few words, growing in size to try and intimidate the Zoroark.

Unimpressed, but slightly shocked at the reaction, Zoroark folded its arms. “Fine, I’ll just find out for myself. How do I get you to open this door?” It asked.

Now Banette looked happy again “Oh I’m so glad you asked! See, because I’m the gatekeeper, I could choose how I wanted it to open and I decided on, riddles! You like riddles don’t you?” Banette replied, bouncing up and down in midair.

Flipping riddles! I haven’t got time for this! Zoroark thought. However, I doubt Banette was lying. If its true that door can’t be blasted apart by my attacks. Humph. “Alright, I’ll do your stupid riddle. What is it?”

Grinning madly Banette did a backwards somersault in the air “I haven’t done this one in a long time! It’s a really hard one, so you’ll have to be smart to crack it!” Banette chirped happily then began to recite the riddle.

“First think of a person who lives in disguise,
Who deals in secrets and tells naught but lies.
Next, tell me what’s always the last thing to mend,
The middle of middle and end of the end?
And finally give me the sound often heard
During the search for a hard-to-find word
Now string them together, and answer me this,
Which creature would you be unwilling to kiss?”

Zoroark stared blankly at the ghost pokemon. What? How am I supposed to work out that! Grunting in annoyance Zoroark paced back and forth, hands behind its back. A person in disguise that tells lies? Impostor … um … a spy perhaps? The middle of middle and end of the end? What does that mean? No matter how many times it played it over in its head, Zoroark couldn’t think what it meant. Not a clue on that one. I’ll come back to it.

As she paced up and down, Banette hovered in the air, humming softly and playing with its spiked ball on its head. “You’re a female, aren’t you?” It suddenly asked.

Zoroark froze, and then looked up at the ghost pokemon. “Yes. What makes you ask?” She answered, while still thinking of the riddles solution.

”Just a hunch, you’re more aggressive than males.”
It replied, smiling wide once more.

Not sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult, she went back to her thoughts. Hard to find word? Err … that could be … err … anything … Hold on … errs a word! Smiling in triumph she looked back at the ghost.

“A creature I wouldn’t want to kiss? A spider!”
She answered, hoping she was right.

The Banette positively exploded with mirth. “Oh well done! Very well done! Nobodies ever got that one right! You’re very smart indeed.” It said, clapping its hands loudly.

“Excellent, now can you open the door please?” She said, with a hint of impatience.

Banette nodded “Of course I can! I am the gatekeeper after all!” It replied. As it swooped down in front of the door, it waved its hands about and the door clicked as it unlocked. It hovered there for a moment, then turned to Zoroark slowly, its face now etched with fear. “I haven’t opened this door in over a millennium. I’ve no idea what’s behind here anymore as this isn’t the only way into the ruins. Be careful Zoroark. There’s darker and more powerful things in here you could probably contemplate. Take my warning and tread carefully otherwise, you will be consumed.” Moving out of the way, Banette allowed room for Zoroark to pass.

Nodding once Zoroark moved forwards into the pitch black room beyond. The door slammed shut behind her and locked once more. Now fear struck the pokemons bones, right down to her very core. There was a presence, something that should not be here, and something that was powerful, dark and foreboding. Putting one paw in front of the other in the pitch black took great courage from her, something she was normally not used to. It was so dark; she could barely see a few feet in front of her and knew nothing of her surroundings. Something brushed by her foot quickly, causing her to freeze on the spot. “Who’s there?” She called out into the darkness, her voice echoing back at her, magnifying it. The echo died away and there was just silence, only the sound of her breathing could be heard; sharp ragged and fearful.

“So, you have come. Just as I expected.”
A deep voice boomed through the chamber, and then a dark shadow swept over her, blacking out her sight completely. A powdery type of stuff, like pollen, was thrown into her eyes, and as she desperately fought to stay awake, the sleep powder dragged her into unconsciousness. As she fell to the floor the blackness and dullness of sleep took over her senses.
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Last edited by Altrius; 05-24-2010 at 04:49 PM.
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  #20  
Old 05-24-2010, 04:44 PM
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Default Re: The Shifting Darkness ~ [PG-13]

Chad’s room was once again a hubbub of activity. Several nurses, a pair of police guards at the door and a Sliph Co representative was in there along with Surge. Now that Chad had calmed down he had been able to explain his memory in detail to Surge and the group. The Sliph Co representative, a balding chubby man in a pin striped black suit named Andrew Jackson, rubbed his chin thoughtfully as he mulled over what he had heard.

“This is a very serious dilemma, and Chad’s safety is our number one concern at the moment.” He said slowly and carefully, considering his words. Surge nodded slowly in the background, waiting for him to continue. “However, we have such little information on this pokemon. It’s powerful, skilled, fast and intelligent. However all it seems to be looking for is its cub, which is a natural instinct for any parent to do. On that basis, I would presume it’s a female. In most pokemon species the female are much more violent and protective about they’re young, and I doubt this Zoroark is any different.”

Surge nodded once again. “The thing I don’t get is how it knows that Chad saw the cub before it attacked him. I can imagine it has the ability to absorb memories at a touch, but it followed us two out of a crowd of thousands.”
Surge scratched his head. “Unless it caught a sense of something suspicious when I looked at it on the beach, but even still that’s a pretty big hunch for it to attack us in such a way.”

Now Chad piped up. “That could be possible. It threw me before it asked where I had hidden it. Maybe just one touch means it can absorb the memories, because I know for sure my skin was in agony after it touched me.”

“That’s right. My skin felt like it was on fire when Zoroark tossed me like a rag doll. You think it could have absorbed my memories too?”
Surge asked.

“Could very well have done, we know nothing about what this pokemon can do remember.” Chad said, grimacing at the thought of it. “What do you think we should do Surge?”

“Get you out of here. And fast. That’s out first move.” Surge looked at his watch; it was quarter past eight in the morning. It’s taken so long already. I’ve got to get Chad moving. Where is that protection I ordered! Surge looked back at the group and grunted in annoyance. “Alright, the protection I ordered will be here soon in the next half an hour. Get Chad prepared to head out. You two” He indicated towards the guards at the door “Go to Chad’s parents and tell them the situation. Tell them there’s no time and they need to pack Chad a rucksack with the essential clothes Chad needs.” The guards nodded and headed off. “Andrew, go back to Sliph Co. Tell them the situation and that the plan is being advanced.”

Nodding, Andrew looked at Chad “Good luck my friend.”
He said before heading out of the room.

The one of the nurses turned to Surge “We can prepare Chad. Go and see if you can get this protection sorted.” She said, smiling sweetly.

Surge nodded. “Chad, I’ll see you in a bit. Get yourself ready, you’ve got a long trip coming up my friend.” He said, and with a quick nod hurried out of the room, leaving a very confused and very unsure Chad.


~#~



It was half past eight and Maddie was gathering her things up for the end of her shift. Her manager was late, as usual, but luckily business had been slow this morning with only a few customers to keep her busy. She whistled a tune as she cleaned the tables in the shoddy little café, but the one thing on her mind was Surge and his offer. She wasn’t even paying attention when her manager walked in and said morning, until he yelled at her to get her attention which made her jump

“Oh! Jason, I’m sorry I was on another planet.”
She said her heart hammering.

Jason chuckled. “Long night was it?” He was a average built man, long shoulder length black hair and glasses. A little goatee beard was kept well trimmed and his shirt and trousers were always freshly ironed.

“Something like that” Maddie smiled. “Here’s the key, and I left the coffee machine on.” She said, holding the keys out for him.

“Cheers darling, you’re a star you know.”
He took the keys from her and walked out back, presumably into the office.

Maddie smiled to herself and headed out to the staffroom to grab her stuff, her coat and bag. Putting both on she checked her pokeballs, yelled goodbye to Jason and headed out the shop. She reached inside her bag and pulled out a ham sandwich – her breakfast – and began munching on it while the morning sunshine bore down on her face. As she took a slow stroll home she thought more about Surge and his offer, I think I will take it; it’s the best offer I’m ever going to have in my life. She smiled to herself, and took another bite of her sandwich.

“Maddie!” A voice called behind her, and she turned slowly to see Surge running swiftly across the street towards her. Another smile grew on her face and she walked quickly towards the gym leader.

“Surge! Have you been up all night?”
She asked as he reached her.

Panting slightly Surge nodded, and then she saw the worry on his face as he spoke “Maddie. If you want to come, you’ve got to go get ready now. Head home, get a rucksack with as much stuff in as you can and meet me outside the hospital in half an hour. Otherwise were going without you.”

Maddie blinked, almost dropping her sandwich. “Um, okay but what’s bought this on?” She asked, looking into Surges eyes which looked far older than they should do.

“No time to explain, things have changed. Offers there take it or leave it.”
Surge said, and then before she could say anything else he ran back where he had come from, probably to the hospital, leaving Maddie confused and very much alone. Then something in her mind kicked in and she ran as fast as she could home, not stopping until she arrived at her front door.


~#~


Surge was panting much heavier as he ran back towards the hospital. It was some distance from the café to there, but he had plenty of energy left – a little run like this wouldn’t wear him out. His thoughts were racing through his mind once again, filling his head with the pokemon, Chad, Maddie and the protection he had ordered. This is such a unique case, so how can we react to it other than guess and hope for the best. All Surge knew was Chad had to get out of Lilycove, because Zoroark would come back, and this time it would kill.

The front of the hospital could not have been a more welcoming sight when he arrived there. Stealing a quick look at his watch, which now read eight forty-five, Surge sighed in relief. The protection would be here in minutes, and then Chad could get going. As he came to a stop outside the hospital Surge waited patiently, looking towards the skies for this ‘protection’. Minutes passed, and for a time it seemed as if nothing was coming – the sky was empty apart from a few wild pidgey and spearow.

And then he heard it, that unmistakable cawing of a powerful bird pokemon. The pidgey and spearow in the sky squawked loudly as a dark shaped passed over them, then banked sharply and broke into a breakneck speed dive. Surge held his hand to his brow to cover out the sunlight and made out the shape of a Staraptor, the unmistakable crest of feathers from its head that looked like a claw. It was a huge pokemon, at least six feet tall and on it, there was a trainer holding on for dear life.

Realising that the bird was going to crash into him, Surge leapt back just in time to avoid the gust cloud as the bird flapped its huge wings to slow its descent. It landed gracefully on the floor and cawed loudly, folding its wings up and allowing the man on top to jump down.

Surge smiled and walked forwards, his arms wide in greeting. “Archie, so good to have you here, I really appreciate this you know.”

The man named Archie brushed some dust from himself and looked up “Well, as long as it’s worth it I’ve got all the time in the world for you Surge.” He replied in a cool and collected voice, then smiled.


OOC: Alright! Its amazing how I got the 4th chapter written up in three days, whereas that last little bit of chapter 3 took a week? Well never-mind :3 Before anybody asks, yes the riddle is from Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire. Its such a cool riddle ya'know?

I really hope to bring Banette back at some point. I really liked that character, even if she only had a small part. Well, hopefully she can come around sometime again :)

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  #21  
Old 05-26-2010, 04:12 AM
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Default Re: The Shifting Darkness ~ [PG-13]

Alright! I finally got time to read your new chapter! :D Here’s some things I found…

Quote:

Inside those lost ruins at Lilycove city, Zoroark moved swiftly down the ancient stone steps. There was no light down here whatsoever, but the pokemon had enhanced vision, letting it see in the dark. There were strange carvings, in a language humanity had yet to discover, all over the walls as the spiral steps led down further and further. The beast hissed in annoyance at the amount of steps and sped up, going onto all fours to move faster, the vision of its lost young spurring its movements on. My Zorua, you stole it from me! I will have you little boy. I will make you squeal until you tell me where it is, the beast thought on the way down. It was desperate to get its young back, Zoroark in nature were ferociously defensive of its young, to the extent that it would kill, and this one was no exception.
Well, I have to admit, reading through this made me cringe in one little small way: the whole ‘it’ thing; I think it’d be better if you assigned gender roles, as this seems to make the characters more realistic/alive. I’d only use ‘it’ when you’re describing non-living things or else people/creatures that the characters (and sometimes readers) aren’t sure the identity of, or are not an important part of the story. Zoroark and Zorua have become a vital piece to the plot, so you might want to give them genders. Still, there’s wonderful description going on so far. I like how you described Lt. Surge’s mad dash to the hospital, as well as the thoughts running through Zoroark’s head right now. Fabulous. :3 And at the bolded part, you need to put in a comma after ‘you’. ^^ I’m not sure what the rule is exactly; I just know how it works. I’ll look it up, though. xD

(EDIT: Actually, I see that you address that problem later on in the chapter. I think it would still help here, especially since we’re seeing Zoroark’s thoughts. I don’t think she’d consider her cub an ‘it’, right?)

Quote:
Where are the defensive's? As the thought left its head it head a slight cracking from the wall too it’s left
Um, I’m not sure what you mean by defensive’s? Maybe you should use a different word there, like defenses or protections/protectors? I’m just not sure if it’s a adjective or a noun. :/ Also, bolded too is the wrong version. Delete an ‘o’.

Quote:
It let out a primal roar as it charged towards Zoroark, aiming to knock him flying.
Primal roaring… I like that choice of words. :3

Quote:
As Zoroark walked away it spat a warning after the pokemon “You’ve come to a bad place, stranger. These ruins are far more ancient than your species. You’ll only be destroyed.”
Hmm, grammar things real quick: comma after ‘away’ and ‘pokemon’. ^^

Quote:
“Fool.” The Rhydon said quietly after the pokemon.
The period should be a comma; remember, anytime before or after speeches (where you’ll say a speech verb soon afterwords), you need a comma. Unless it’s a question mark or something. ^^

The Bannette really creeps me out. o.0’

Quote:
Andrew Jackson
Andrew Jackson! :X (coughcough7thPresidentoftheU.S.cough) LoL, sorry; that’s just me making a connection. ^^’ What’s the Silph rep doing there again? =o

Quote:
the sky was empty apart from a few wild pidgey and spearow.
Um, isn’t it night time? Wouldn’t the spearow and pidgey still be asleep?

Wooot! Finished!

Great addition, Altrius! You’ve definitely improved a bunch! I’d consider this another one of your best chapters. The tension just keeps on building. I wonder what happened to Zoroark? *lol conscerned about the villain, of course* But… is she the villain? =o Hmm, maybe there is something else going on…

Hmm, I didn’t get any music… I actually wasn’t listening to any while reading. Wait, I’ll find one! How about Meant to Live by Switchfoot? Idk, I’ll get back to you on that one. ;)

But you know what’s crazy? I’m re-reading the fourth Harry Potter right now. :O Strange coincidences, eh?

Well, awesome job! Can’t wait till the next. ^^
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Old 05-26-2010, 08:53 AM
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Default Re: The Shifting Darkness ~ [PG-13]

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Originally Posted by Charmander009 View Post
Alright! I finally got time to read your new chapter! :D Here’s some things I found…



Well, I have to admit, reading through this made me cringe in one little small way: the whole ‘it’ thing; I think it’d be better if you assigned gender roles, as this seems to make the characters more realistic/alive. I’d only use ‘it’ when you’re describing non-living things or else people/creatures that the characters (and sometimes readers) aren’t sure the identity of, or are not an important part of the story. Zoroark and Zorua have become a vital piece to the plot, so you might want to give them genders. Still, there’s wonderful description going on so far. I like how you described Lt. Surge’s mad dash to the hospital, as well as the thoughts running through Zoroark’s head right now. Fabulous. :3 And at the bolded part, you need to put in a comma after ‘you’. ^^ I’m not sure what the rule is exactly; I just know how it works. I’ll look it up, though. xD

(EDIT: Actually, I see that you address that problem later on in the chapter. I think it would still help here, especially since we’re seeing Zoroark’s thoughts. I don’t think she’d consider her cub an ‘it’, right?)



Um, I’m not sure what you mean by defensive’s? Maybe you should use a different word there, like defenses or protections/protectors? I’m just not sure if it’s a adjective or a noun. :/ Also, bolded too is the wrong version. Delete an ‘o’.


Primal roaring… I like that choice of words. :3



Hmm, grammar things real quick: comma after ‘away’ and ‘pokemon’. ^^



The period should be a comma; remember, anytime before or after speeches (where you’ll say a speech verb soon afterwords), you need a comma. Unless it’s a question mark or something. ^^

The Bannette really creeps me out. o.0’


Andrew Jackson! :X (coughcough7thPresidentoftheU.S.cough) LoL, sorry; that’s just me making a connection. ^^’ What’s the Silph rep doing there again? =o


Um, isn’t it night time? Wouldn’t the spearow and pidgey still be asleep?

Wooot! Finished!

Great addition, Altrius! You’ve definitely improved a bunch! I’d consider this another one of your best chapters. The tension just keeps on building. I wonder what happened to Zoroark? *lol conscerned about the villain, of course* But… is she the villain? =o Hmm, maybe there is something else going on…

Hmm, I didn’t get any music… I actually wasn’t listening to any while reading. Wait, I’ll find one! How about Meant to Live by Switchfoot? Idk, I’ll get back to you on that one. ;)

But you know what’s crazy? I’m re-reading the fourth Harry Potter right now. :O Strange coincidences, eh?

Well, awesome job! Can’t wait till the next. ^^

As always, many thanks for reading through and spotting my crappy mistakes ^^ I really did like this chapter, beacause just worked so well for me :) I'll go back and change the it's along the way, cause I did have an incling myself about it. Hence why I bought in the fact she was female.

Defenses! Thank you, that was the word I was looking for ... Heh :3 Though I really like Banette! I thought she was really cute, in a totally evil and murderous kind of way :) If I can fit her in she will come back at some point ^^ And Andrew Jackson ... 7th President? Had no idea about that one, the name just popped up in my head. As to why they're there. I always imagined the Sliph Co to be some kind of governing body, meh *shrugs* And its 8:45am :) Thats also a very strange coincidence :)

But thanks anyways. Its always nice to know somebodies reading my fan-fic :) And I love getting comments back, cause it makes me feel nice that I'm entertaining people. And points and critisims are always welcome to me :)

I'll try not to keep you waiting for too long Char :3
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Old 05-27-2010, 10:05 PM
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Default Re: The Shifting Darkness ~ [PG-13]

Just got done reading, and I have to say, I love this story! The excitement just keeps building up, and you're really good at descriptions. =)

I noticed a few mistakes here and there, but other than that, there's really not much to worry about in my opinion.

Oh, and guess what? My name's Maddy. xD
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[12:38:20 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH" <---- Yup.
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."
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  #24  
Old 05-28-2010, 09:35 AM
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Default Re: The Shifting Darkness ~ [PG-13]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jolty Jolteon View Post
Just got done reading, and I have to say, I love this story! The excitement just keeps building up, and you're really good at descriptions. =)

I noticed a few mistakes here and there, but other than that, there's really not much to worry about in my opinion.

Oh, and guess what? My name's Maddy. xD
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoy it :3 I'll have Chapter 5 up soon have no fear :)

Your a Maddy too? Spookky :3
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Old 05-28-2010, 07:24 PM
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Default Re: The Shifting Darkness ~ [PG-13]

I'm rather curious, Altrius. Are you including the Gen 5 starters and the new legendaries they just barely released today? =o
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Old 05-29-2010, 01:45 PM
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Default Re: The Shifting Darkness ~ [PG-13]

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Originally Posted by Charmander009 View Post
I'm rather curious, Altrius. Are you including the Gen 5 starters and the new legendaries they just barely released today? =o

I wasn't planning on using the new starters, as we don't have evolved forms yet and the like. I didn't know the legendaries were out today, but they look prettyy awesome :) Might consider it ^^
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