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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 04-08-2010, 01:10 PM
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Default Please lock.

Read the last post.
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Last edited by Velocity; 06-06-2010 at 03:41 PM.
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  #2  
Old 04-08-2010, 02:38 PM
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Default Re: The Heart of a Lugia (Action/adventure

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
"What is it?" the Team Darkstar grunt asked in wonder.
Saying 'the Team Darkstar grunt' gives us the impression that we've already met him, so you should probably change that to 'a Team Darkstar grunt'. :D

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
The Pokemon in the cage glared up at him with a look of pure hatered.
Should be 'hatred'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
It was chained completely to the floor:Wings, head, tail, and everything.
Like I mentioned (and you probably didn't get the change to edit it yet xD), 'wings' should have a lowercase 'w' because it's still the same sentence, and you also need a space between the colon and 'wings' 'cause otherwise it's like forgetting a space between two words.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
It had a fierce-looking head:Sharp beak and blue eye crests, the same shade as the spikes on its elegant tail.
Same here. And remember that space! xD Also, I think just saying 'blue' perhaps isn't clear enough, and maybe you could replace it with something even as simple as 'navy blue' or 'a dull dark blue'. :D

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
"Long story," the admin grunted, "involving a few tranqued harpoons, a couple of electric nets, and a rocket launcher."
I'm assuming he meant 'tranqued' as in being short for tranquilizers. ^^ Also, a rocket launcher? o.o That's harsh. Dx

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
Oh, yeah, with Lyz in charge of this thing, nothin's gonna stop Darkstar."
I'm pretty sure (but not 100%) that you don't need a comma after 'Oh' when 'yeah' comes after it, because 'oh yeah' is an expression...or something. xD But you can leave it there just to be safe if you like. ^^

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
As soon as the door to the prison room slammed shut, the Lugia lifted furiously, straining its muscles to the utmost.For over five minutes it exerted every last bit of its strength,
You need a space between the period and 'For'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
He tried to dive deeper,but there was a net extending between the subs
Need a space between the comma and 'but'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
He had tried, out of desparation, to fly out of the circle by going between two subs, but a net blocked him.
Should be 'desperation'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
Panicked, he blasted the net away with sheer psychic force.But by then, a harpoon was flying toward him.
Space between the period and 'But'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
"Whatever," Lucent grunted, then closed his eyes.

He was awoken by a voice barking, "Lucent! Lucent! Get up NOW!!!!!"
I think you should have *** between those two sentences (or some other indication of skipping time), because the way you have it now, with a regular space between speeches, it looks like Martet is yelling at Lucent immediately after he closed his eyes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
Lucent's eyes snapped open. He was free. Free.

Free.
I reckon you shouldn't have that extra 'Free' after 'He was free', because if you said:

Quote:
Lucent's eyes snapped open. He was free.

Free.
it would have a much better flow, don't you think? Having that other 'Free' makes the word sound too repeated.

Also, as I read on I noted why he was free, and that was because the cage door was open. I don't think you should have him thinking he was free when:
1. The readers don't know why, and they're a little confused. To fix this I'd say write what he sees and after that you write about him thinking he's free, because that way he notices in order, and we, as the readers, notice with him.
2. He's still in the cage, so technically he's not free yet. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
"Don' mention it," Martet huffed. "Now come on!"
Probably should put a comma after 'Now'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
"We running?" Lucent asked.

Martet nodded.

"I have a better idea."
I really don't think they need to be on separate lines. o: It's all Lucent's speech, so in my opinion they should be on the same line.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
Lucent lifted his head and screeched. The prison room exploded into planks of wood and bits of steel.

Martet looked at Lucent with awe.
Same here about the separate lines thing. ^^

Done with the corrections! 8D So far I'm pretty interested. Everyone seems a little grumpy and not very friendly, but at least Martet can brighten the mood. xD It's really sad what bad guys do to legendary pokemon... And other pokemon, of course. D:

I think you need to work on description. :P You needed to set the scene (not necessarily before anyone spoke or anything, but maybe after you were describing Lucent, perhaps? Since you were describing him, describing the setting and even the two grunts would have been good :3), and more detail about, maybe, things like emotion Martet and Lucent were both feeling, and physical detail like describing Martet, but also things like facial expressions (which you did do, but I think you could have gone into more detail about the pokemon's expressions) and reactions to things. Also little things can help, like pointing out that Martet was bobbing his head repeatedly to show his kind of friendly, restless attitude.

By the way, are you writing this in a program like Word? Because if you aren't, you really should. :P Or at least have it saved somewhere other than Pe2k so that you can edit it and write more to it rather than doing it all in a post here.

I think it's cool that Martet didn't actually know Lucent was a lugia and had to ask him. 8D And that the grunt didn't realise it at first, either.

So, work on description and setting the scene, introducing the characters both personality and appearance-wise, and remember to use those spaces. ;D Also, I'd say that you could spend a bit more time on this chapter(/prologue) altogether because it seems to go really quickly, and the idea of freedom isn't something that was built up for us all to go, "Yes!! they're free!" when they escaped.

But I think it was a little easy. I mean, wouldn't Martet have done that before if he could do it then? Or maybe they never really came around to enter the cages so he never got the chance... But if that's the case, perhaps you could have the poochyena talk about it a bit and say something like, "If one of those grunts came back in here I'd happily bite off another finger!" or something to give us the impression that he would if he could, and it also tells us that nobody had come down there as of yet.

But anyway. Good job so far, and I'd like to read more soon! 8D

~GS.
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Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 04-08-2010 at 02:42 PM.
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  #3  
Old 04-08-2010, 04:05 PM
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Default Re: The Heart of a Lugia (Action/adventure

Yeah. I'm not even gonna BOTHER trying to quote your post, but I read it. As for the spaces and sp mistakes, I was doing it on quizilla, one of the worst things to write directly into EVER. Like I said, I'm planning on doing some revisions...I didn't even mean to post it when I did, the thing did that on its own. o_o
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  #4  
Old 04-09-2010, 01:54 AM
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Default Re: The Heart of a Lugia (Action/adventure)~ACCEPTING GUEST STARS!

Okay, I'm glad you read it. x) And haha, you don't have to quote it anyway. xD Oh, really? O_o Strange...

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
He flipped out a night-black Dex with the Darkstar insignia on it: Two swords crossed over a star, printed in dark red.
xD The capital after the colon again. :P

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
"Lugia. The Diving Pokemon. It sleeps in a deep-sea trench. If it flaps its wings, it is said to cause a 40-day storm."
I like how you changed the font here. ^^ Good idea. :P

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
For over five minutes, in the dim yellow light of the reverse-lamps stuck on the ceiling above its cage, it exerted every last bit of its strength, then at last he let his wings, neck, and tail go limp.
See how here you've gone to calling him an it to calling him a he? You shouldn't do this in the one paragraph. Going with the "readers discover with the characters through evidence" thing, I think we should find out he's a male when he speaks, because that's when Martet would find out, and that way it's a smooth transition. :D

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
I know how you really feel. You're just trying to convince yourself.
People tend to do this a lot (emphasise a word that had italics around it, and by doing so they un-italicise it), but what I do it bold the word that you want to emphasise rather than not having it italicised. 8D

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
I had to steal his keys and unlock all this crap, and you have no idea how hard it was to do, and I just killed a guy, and there's probably a bunch of grunts coming, and I don't want that all to be wasted, so let's GO!!!!!"
xD That's a really long sentence! But it all flows well, so I'd say maybe only replace the last comma with a period. ^^

Anyway, excellent! I love how you've changed it! :D You added the right amount of description, and I love Lucent's reaction when he wakes up--much more realistic. ^^ Well done. :D

And now for the guest star. ^^ (Sorry it took me so long! Dx)

Guest Star Form:
Name: Frashe (fra-SHAY)

Species: Flaaffy

Gender: Female.

Appearance: Roughly78 cm (2'07"), looks like a normal flaaffy, except she has an orange gem on the end of her tail instead of blue.

History: Two months ago her trainer was shot by a Darkstar grunt, and she watched it happen. The grunt then attempted to take Frashe with him, but she shocked him repeatedly until he died. She was horrified by the fact that she killed someone, but also because her trainer was killed. She carries the memories with her like it was yesterday that it happened, and she's had nobody to comfort her or talk to her about it, so she's still really shaken up. She will keep repeating words like, "I killed someone... I didn't mean to!" and also words about her trainer having died.

Personality: She's timid and frail because of her experience, but once someone talks to her about it she feels better that she can share it, and she becomes much friendlier. However, until that happens she's terrified that she'll kill someone else so she yells at pokemon to keep away from her in case she does by mistake. But also because of her experience, she wants to protect any one of her friends she can, making her somewhat loyal. She cares about others and their feelings, and pretends she can help and nurse even if she knows she can't do anything to help. She takes things literally (and as a result she doesn't understand sarcasm) and she tries to not insult or hurt anyone in any way. If she hears about a violent story she freaks out.

Good or Evil?: Good, but kind of neutral because she's blinded by her fear of killing and therefore she refuses to attack unless she's defending herself or another pokemon.

Special Abilities?: None other than the usual for a flaaffy.

Character Creator: Graceful_Suicune.

:D

~GS.
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Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.

Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 04-09-2010 at 02:32 PM.
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  #5  
Old 04-09-2010, 11:58 AM
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Default Re: The Heart of a Lugia (Action/adventure)~ACCEPTING GUEST STARS!

The colen thing was an oopsie....
-goes to fix the 'it' thing-
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  #6  
Old 04-09-2010, 02:30 PM
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Default Re: The Heart of a Lugia (Action/adventure)~ACCEPTING GUEST STARS!

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
The colen thing was an oopsie....
-goes to fix the 'it' thing-
Yeah, I figured. xD
8D Much better now. ^^ By the way, can I just say: I love how you edited the bit about Lucent's capture and how he felt. Because it now sounds really excellent. ^^

Also, I'd kinda expect you to leave a little bit of a longer reply than that, especially since it does take me a long time to write a reply (when I'm correcting, anyway) and maybe something about Frashe? o: Do you like her? :D

~GS.
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  #7  
Old 04-09-2010, 03:01 PM
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Default Re: The Heart of a Lugia (Action/adventure)~ACCEPTING GUEST STARS!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune View Post


Yeah, I figured. xD
8D Much better now. ^^ By the way, can I just say: I love how you edited the bit about Lucent's capture and how he felt. Because it now sounds really excellent. ^^

Also, I'd kinda expect you to leave a little bit of a longer reply than that, especially since it does take me a long time to write a reply (when I'm correcting, anyway) and maybe something about Frashe? o: Do you like her? :D

~GS.
Oh sorry. I just didn't really know what to post...
And Frashe sounds awesome. Now, how do I include her...?
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  #8  
Old 04-09-2010, 05:19 PM
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Default Re: The Heart of a Lugia (Action/adventure)~ACCEPTING GUEST STARS!

I WANT IN~
Name: Shika (Shi-ka)
Species: Suicune
Appearance: Of a normal Suicune.
History: Shika used to wander around highlands and if any trainer was lucky enough to see her, it was rumored that if that trainer got a Gym Badge that Shika would appear and fight the trainer. Shika did the fuel the excitement of anyone watching, but she was never caught. She rarely does it anymore because she cannot follow a trainer all the time as she does not stay in the highlands any more.
Age: 7 (18 in human years)
Personality: Kind, powerful, loyal
Good or Evil?: Good
Special Abilities?: Suicune can copy the moves of other Pokemon if she has enough energy.
Pokemon Team (only applies to Trainers): None.
Character Creator: Dark Moonlight
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Old 04-09-2010, 05:36 PM
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Default Re: The Heart of a Lugia (Action/adventure)~ACCEPTING GUEST STARS!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Moonlight View Post
I WANT IN~
Name: Shika (Shi-ka)
Species: Suicune
Appearance: Of a normal Suicune.
History: Shika used to wander around highlands and if any trainer was lucky enough to see her, it was rumored that if that trainer got a Gym Badge that Shika would appear and fight the trainer. Shika did the fuel the excitement of anyone watching, but she was never caught. She rarely does it anymore because she cannot follow a trainer all the time as she does not stay in the highlands any more.
Age: 7 (18 in human years)
Personality: Kind, powerful, loyal
Good or Evil?: Good
Special Abilities?: Suicune can copy the moves of other Pokemon if she has enough energy.
Pokemon Team (only applies to Trainers): None.
Character Creator: Dark Moonlight
YOU ADDED THE BANNER TO YOUR SIGGY.
I THINK I LOVE YOU.
(I'm just kidding)
But thanks!!!
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  #10  
Old 04-09-2010, 08:01 PM
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Default Re: The Heart of a Lugia (Action/adventure)~ACCEPTING GUEST STARS!

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
YOU ADDED THE BANNER TO YOUR SIGGY.
I THINK I LOVE YOU.
(I'm just kidding)
But thanks!!!
Lol! And I want my Suicune included~
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Old 04-09-2010, 09:09 PM
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Default Re: The Heart of a Lugia (Action/adventure)~ACCEPTING GUEST STARS!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Moonlight View Post
Lol! And I want my Suicune included~
Ok. She will be. ;)
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  #12  
Old 04-09-2010, 10:15 PM
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Default Re: The Heart of a Lugia (Action/adventure)~ACCEPTING GUEST STARS! Revised Prologue u

Guest Star Form:
Name: Airof-Ilemif (Ah-ee-rof Ill-em-iff) (Airof for short)
Species: Flareon
Appearance: That of a normal Flareon, but has a charred black ruff and tail.
History: Airof had lived in the mountains her whole life, until a trainer had appeared, and ordered his Jolteon to use Thunder on her, charring the fur she took so much pride in. Airof fled, but was so traumitized that she was an easy target for a team Darkstar Grunt. She was trapped in the Pokéball the grunt threw at her, but soon broke out in a flash of red light. The flash reminded her of the Thunder attack, and she went into a frenzy, killing the grunt and his Rattata. Horrified, she ran far away as possible, until she collapsed in exhaustion in front of the Darkstar head quarters. She has never spoken since the incident.
Age: 14
Personality: A feirce fighter at times, but mostly, she just sits and stares. She also has post traumatic stress syndrome; whenever she hears thunder, sees electricity, a flash of light, or a Jolteon, she foams at the mouth and kills whatever's near. She has no memory of her kills afterwards.
Good or Evil?: Nuetral, but will help a cuase she thinks is worthy.
Special Abilities?: None.
Pokemon Team (only applies to Trainers):
Character Creator: Mawile_rocks
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Old 04-10-2010, 01:03 AM
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Default Re: The Heart of a Lugia (Action/adventure)~ACCEPTING GUEST STARS! Revised Prologue u

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
Oh sorry. I just didn't really know what to post...
And Frashe sounds awesome. Now, how do I include her...?
xDD It's okay. x) I just tend to reply to everything someone says in a post. xD
Thank you! ^v^ Well, maybe they come across her somewhere? o:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Moonlight View Post
I WANT IN~
*insert guest star here*
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mawile_rocks View Post
Guest Star Form:
*insert guest star here*
Alright, hang on; hang on, you two. >:Z You can't just appear and make a guest star because guest stars are open. :P You didn't even leave a comment on the story for goodness' sake! That's rude, and if it were my story I wouldn't include guest stars unless the person read my story, 'cause otherwise it's really pointless. =/ I know it might not be my business, but you should at least mention you've read the story. I mean, come on. Would you like it if someone didn't comment at all, and instead just demanded that they characters be used? That's totally not fair in my opinion, and to me it seems like you're taking advantage of guest stars when you don't even know the story and you don't know what kind of world you're character's gonna show up in. I mean, I guest starred because I really like the story, and I'd love to have a character in it.

Think about the character. Would they be okay with it if you created them just to have them guest star in a story you haven't even read? And sorry if you have read it, but it's impossible for me to know 'cause you didn't leave a comment! And think of the author too. I don't think Aeon will be very pleased to know you're just taking advantage of her guest star request. And, if you're not, then prove me wrong!

But suicune and flareon are in my top 3 favourites, so at least that's something. xD

~GS.
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Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.
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  #14  
Old 04-10-2010, 11:56 AM
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Default Re: The Heart of a Lugia (Action/adventure)~ACCEPTING GUEST STARS! Revised Prologue u

Quote:
Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune View Post

Alright, hang on; hang on, you two. >:Z You can't just appear and make a guest star because guest stars are open. :P You didn't even leave a comment on the story for goodness' sake! That's rude, and if it were my story I wouldn't include guest stars unless the person read my story, 'cause otherwise it's really pointless. =/ I know it might not be my business, but you should at least mention you've read the story. I mean, come on. Would you like it if someone didn't comment at all, and instead just demanded that they characters be used? That's totally not fair in my opinion, and to me it seems like you're taking advantage of guest stars when you don't even know the story and you don't know what kind of world you're character's gonna show up in. I mean, I guest starred because I really like the story, and I'd love to have a character in it.

Think about the character. Would they be okay with it if you created them just to have them guest star in a story you haven't even read? And sorry if you have read it, but it's impossible for me to know 'cause you didn't leave a comment! And think of the author too. I don't think Aeon will be very pleased to know you're just taking advantage of her guest star request. And, if you're not, then prove me wrong!

But suicune and flareon are in my top 3 favourites, so at least that's something. xD

~GS.
Uuuummmm....That's kind of what I did on ur thing (again, I had no idea what to post!!!) so I can't complain.
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  #15  
Old 04-10-2010, 12:33 PM
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Default Re: The Heart of a Lugia (Action/adventure)~ACCEPTING GUEST STARS! Revised Prologue u

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
Uuuummmm....That's kind of what I did on ur thing (again, I had no idea what to post!!!) so I can't complain.
Yeah, but you actually told me you liked the story before you did. :P They said nothing at all!

~GS.

EDIT: *points to your sig* You totally want comments. xD
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Everyone who's still stuck here, Pe2k is Dead. It's sad, but it happened. Instead, we moved to...

Pokemon Crossroads!
Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.

Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 04-10-2010 at 01:27 PM.
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