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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 02-12-2010, 09:34 PM
NES2 Offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,320
Default Encounter at Lake Verity: Grade Ready....

Attempting to catch: Magikarp
Characters: 5080
Ready for judging!

“Wake up Alex, today’s the day!”, came a voice from the open door.

“Rise and shine, you wouldn’t want to miss your first day as a trainer, now would you?”

A boy with black hair, thin build, and brown eyes lethargically pulled the covers down. Rubbing his eyes, he reached around for his glasses, grasping them and putting them on his face. Alex turned his head and looked at his poke clock. It read 6:00 AM. The soft material fell to the ground as Alex put his feet down on the carpet. Rubbing his eyes, he went to the shower and undressed. Shortly after, he came out of the shower with a towel wrapped around him.

Alex grabbed the first T-shirt he found in his drawer and threw it on. Putting on his jeans, he proceeded to walk down the stairs of his home and walk into the kitchen.

“Honey, I made pancakes today. They are on the table”, said Alex’s mother from the sink.

Alex pulled the chair out from under the table and sat down. Taking the syrup from the table, Alex drizzled the liquid onto the fluffy pancakes. He then took his utensils and dug into the pancake. In about five minutes he was done. Getting up, he noticed his mother crying.

“Mom, what’s wrong?”, asked Alex.

“Well, it’s just that you’ve grown so much, and I just can’t bear to see you go”, replied Alex’s mom back.

“Mom, I’m fourteen. I should be able to take care of myself. Besides, I told you I would write about my journey”, said Alex trying to comfort his mom.

“Well, your bags are packed and ready to go. I’ll miss you Alex. Oh, and Dad also wished you good luck. He also wanted you to have this.”

Alex’s mom, handed Alex a black leather case.

“It was your Dad’s badge case, back from when he was a trainer. He wanted you to have it”, said Mom.

Alex opened the badge case. Inside was a picture from when Alex was with his Dad on vacation in Sunyshore. Alex was five at the time.

“Good luck, son.”

Now Alex had already received his starter pokemon a yesterday ago from Rowan. He has chosen a Turtwig, and then went home for the rest of his stuff. He had also spent that day training the Turtwig basic commands, as well has bonding. The odd thing about Alex’s Turtwig was that it was quite fond of pasteles, and danced whenever he played salsa. In fact, Turtwig was very similar to Alex in other ways too. For example, both Turtwig and Alex were sloppy eaters, preferred the same television shows, and even had the same dislike of olives. The two were perfect for each other.

Alex headed out that day on his own, waving to neighbors as he passed by on his new bike. Eventually, he was out on Route 201, heading to Lake Verity. Alex had decided to catch a few more pokemon before heading to Jubilife. Alex spoke to Turtwig, who was riding on his shoulder, about what type of pokemon to catch.

“I’ll start out with something simple. Something you can fight easily without a problem. How about a Magikarp? It’s weak to your grass attacks, can only use basic moves like Tackle and Spash. What do you think Turtwig?”, asked Alex to his pokemon.

“Turtwig! Turtwig!”, said the green leaf turtle in reply.
“OK, then, time to find a Magikarp!”

Alex pedaled harder through the woods, and eventually stopped at the lakeshore. Taking out his fishing rod, Alex took the hook and put water pokemon food on it. Alex, swung the rod back, and then threw it forward, the bobber hitting the water. It didn’t take long for the bobber to go under.

“Oh, I can’t wait to see what it is!”

Alex pulled the rod out of the water and got just what he wanted. The Magikarp jumped in the air flailing left and right.

“Use razor leaf now!”, commanded Alex to the Turtwig. Leaves rose around the green turtle, before firing at the fish in the air. The razor leaves hit dead on, nailing the magikarp severely. The magikarp turned around in the air and flew at Turtwig. The fish made contact with Turtwig, knocking the turtle back. Turtwig landed on all fours in attack position. However, now that magikarp was on land it could only splash around.

“Turtwig use Tackle to finish it off!”

Turtwig rushed headfirst at the magikarp, and just when he was about to make contact, the Magikarp jumped off the ground.

“What could that magikarp possibly be-WHA!?”

Alex saw as the Magikarp used it’s tailfin to slap Turtwig back and forth.

“What is this move?”, asked Alex opening the Pokedex, aiming it at Magikarp. An electronic voice began to speak.


Alex nervously realized that the damage he had inflicted on the supposedly helpless Magikarp was now being used against him.

“We have to finish this Turtwig, before Magikarp uses Flail to knock you out! Use razor leaf one more time!”, commanded Alex. Turtwig grounded itself and prepared for another attack. Leaves shot at the red fish, knocking it at least ten feet away. Alex saw his chance and pulled out a poke ball.

“Here goes nothing…”

Alex threw the poke ball, which hit the fish, enveloping it in a flash of red. The ball then fell on the ground and began to shake…

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First story, can't wait to see the outcome....

Last edited by NES2; 02-16-2010 at 09:36 PM.
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Old 02-23-2010, 07:31 AM
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Default Re: Encounter at Lake Verity: Grade Ready....

Story/Plot: I dunno what I found interesting in this story, because the plot was, well, overdone. It's been done a million ways and back, cooked up in every salsa and served hot or cold. Yet, yours was a little more interesting than other run-on-the-mill stories (though that may be because I just woke up). You made it interesting by adding a few little quirks to the Turtwig, effectively making it his(her?) own character in the story. Plus, drawing parallels between the Pokemon and Alex was a very good way to further elaborate on the trainer's character. Nice one here.

It goes without saying that such a simple plot will not help you much in higher categories, but you look like you may be able to handle it, if you keep working on the characterisation.

Description/Detail: this one was an area you didn't shine in. Like most starting writers, you didn't try to describe where the characters were (I don't even know if it was supposed to be Twinleaf or Sandgem). Plus, you forgot the description of the surroundings. Was Alex cycling in a forest, surrounded by the lively noises of Bug Pokemon? How did Lake Verity look like? How did Alex's house look like, or the town he lived in too for what matters? These are things the reader wants to know as they help fleshing out the story and making it more real in his/her mind.

Props to you for describing Alex, but you forgot to describe what the Pokemon looked like ("green leaf turtle" and "fish" aren't enough of a description). They're characters too, perhaps the most important ones in a story, which means you have to try and describe them as well, as obvious as it may be for you. Not everybody will be familiar with Pokemon characters, and you should always suppose one isn't.

A little detail I couldn't help but notice is that Alex suddenly whips out a Pokedex, without any mention of him having/getting any earlier. You don't want this to happen again, if we're supposed to know everything about the character.

Grammar/Spellchecking: I could find some errors, but it was nothing serious. You could handle your dialogues well enough- which is strange, for a newbie writer- and any other error I could find was probably due to you rushing the story. Rushing never is good, as it makes a story look sloppy. Take your time reading your story whole, then see if there are errors or things you'd rather change about it.

Length: I had the characters add up to 5148 actually, not that it changes things. It was nice to see you writing as much as you could, without really taking in account the character limits. You could probably have more by adding some more description, but I'm not picky.

Battle: It's for a Magikarp. I really don't expect much. Nice of you making Magikarp put up a fight. You'll want to expand on this section a lot more for higher ranks, and upping the description as well would be nice.

Outcome: Yea, you've been waiting too long for this damn fish. Magikarp captured. Keep up the good work.
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