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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 02-16-2010, 07:57 PM
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Default Igniting the Winter Flame

Attempt: Vulpix
Story Level: Medium
Characters: 11,823 (w/ no spaces)
Grading: Ready
Notes: Story Deal for Kirethidae

-------------------

Igniting the Winter Flame


It’s been said that there are two kinds of people in the world: those that strive for friendship and peace with Pokemon and those that only seek the creatures’ power. The former better the lives of the Pokemon in the world; the Breeders, who help them bring newborns to this world, or the Rangers, who help Pokemon in need with the use of other Pokemon that are willing to help. The latter has often been represented by various “teams”, like Team Rocket, Team Aqua, or Team Magma, all of whom will use any means to achieve the most powerful, most legendary Pokemon; they do not care who they harm in the process. No matter how many ways there are that these people differ, however, they are categorized by one single word: Trainers. These Pokemon Trainers are often defined by the ultimate power: friendship. A young, female Trainer learned the difference between good and evil, between friendship and villainy, when her best friend was stolen from her.



“Come on, Vulpix!”

“Vul! Vul!”

Winter was a simple girl. She didn’t need many material things to make her happy; she just needed her Pokemon. This day she sat in the cool green grass with the wind blowing through her brunette hair. She played in the ground with her Vulpix, who happened to be her best friend. The little Vulpix ran ceased its running around Winter when she called it, stopping its little, red, fox-like body to stare at Winter with its big, beautifully stone eyes. Its ears flopped a little when it stopped, but its six fiery, curled tails continued to blow with the breeze. The little Vulpix slowly walked over to Winter, nudged her arm a bit, and then laid its head down upon her leg. Winter scratched it absentmindedly behind the ears as she looked around the field at the rustling bushes and blooming cherry blossoms, the sun smiling brightly down on them.

“You know Vulpix,” Winter started. “You’re the best Pokemon in the world.”

“Vulpix!” Vulpix responded.

“But don’t tell my other Pokemon,” said Winter in a mock whisper, putting her hand to her mouth and following it up with an exaggerated wink.

Vulpix laughed and then rolled over to permit Winter to rub its stomach. And so she did, quietly thinking that nothing could ruin this nice day. Then, as though right on cue, a dot appeared in the sky. It grew larger and larger, high above the tress, until Winter spotted it. She pointed up at the thing now and showed Vulpix.

“Hey Vulpix, look at that thing up there,” Winter stated.

“Pix?” Vulpix responded, looking up at the spot obscuring part of the bright blue sky.

It continually grew larger, becoming a silhouette of a Pokemon with big, beating wings. It came closer and closer and closer, until…

“Is that a giant Fearow?!” Winter exclaimed.

So it was. An enormous Fearow flew down from the distant sky. Its gigantic brown wings flapped in the air and a huge red mohawk-like protrusion rose from its oval head. A long, grooved, beige beak extended from the front of the head, open, and its beady black eyes scanned the area. Something, however, was wrong. Its eyes moved in random directions, completely out of sync with each other. Its mouth seemed to have something in the back of it that looked like a hinge. It flew closer and closer still, and it seemed that it was…

“It’s coming right for us, Vulpix!”

“Vul!”

They dove out of the way just in time, Winter clutching Vulpix to her blue-shirted chest. The giant Fearow’s beak drove into the soil, leaving the massive Pokemon quivering a bit, stuck in the ground, beak-first. Its wings suddenly emitted steam where they met its body and then folded unnaturally (upside-)down to the ground with a loud pat. Doors seemed to have appeared at its sides, and two people emerged from them, sliding down the wings as though they’ve trained for this. They landed, standing tall over Winter. One was a man with shoulder-length, lank black hair and a small goatee. His thin face was complimented by his small shoulders. The other was a slender woman, with long, navy hair and a pretty, yet mean face. Both wore outfits comprised of white tight-suits that extended onto their feet and hands, and ended at the top part of their necks. They wore red jackets with a golden L emblazoned on the back. The stood back-to-back with their arms crossed.

“To win the battles across the land,” began the man, with a dark, smooth, sorrowful voice.

“To control the world with mighty hands,” continued the woman in a voice filled with malice.

“Finding the myths in the seas and skies above.”

“And bringing them here to the places we love.”

“Randall,” stated the man, turned from the back-to-back position to face Winter, who still sat on the ground, surprised.

“Carly,” followed the woman.

“To capture the world’s most powerful strengths,” continued Randall.

“And we will really go to any lengths,” Carly stated.

“Team Legends!” They proclaimed together. “We will reign!”

Winter scrambled to her feet, looking at these odd visitors with a wide stare. Vulpix, on the other hand (after jumping off Winter), simply looked with a strange curiosity.

“Team Legends?” Winter inquired.

“Yes,” replied Randall. “We travel, collecting Pokemon needed to obtain the legendary Pokemon of the world for our boss. In this way, we will control the world with an iron fist.”

“And w-why are you here?” Winter asked, slightly afraid.

“We require your Vulpix,” responded Carly.

“WHAT?”

“Yes,” Randall said nonchalantly, as though discussing his dinner arrangements. “We require many various Fire Pokemon in order to awaken a legendary Fire Pokemon in Stark Mountain, and a Ninetales is strangely difficult to capture. Therefore, we must take your Vulpix and evolve it.”

“But you can’t take my Vulpix! She’s mine!”

“O’ contrare,” retorted Randall. “You simply own its Pokeball. But that can be quickly remedied. Come, Tangrowth!”

Randall threw forward a shining, red-and-white Pokeball that opened in midair, emitting a glowing red beam that threw out a large, bluish Pokemon. Vines grew from the top of its head, all the way down to its waist, and all around it, excluding its eyes over its eyes which was all Winter could see in the tangle of a body. Its legs were pure black, ending in bright pink, cylindrical feet that matched its bright pink fingertips. Now it was Carly’s turn.

“Out, Manectric!” She ordered, throwing her Pokeball out as well.

The Pokemon that came from this Pokeball looked somewhat like a dog. It was bright blue, with a giant yellow spike on its head and more spikes on its waist and ankles. Its tail was a long point and its eyes glowed red with some hatred. After Manectric had appeared, Randall and Carly donned sunglasses and put large shades on Tangrowth.

“Manectric, Flash!” Carly ordered.

“Ah!” Winter screamed.

A blinding white filled the area, completely blinding Winter and Vulpix. Through the nothingness, Winter heard a deep voice shout.

“Tangrowth, Vine Whip and grab it.”

“No!”

Winter yelled and then grasped down. She had to get Vulpix. They wouldn’t get Vulpix. Lucky, with a quick sigh of relief, she found Vulpix and pulled it up to her chest tightly, letting nothing get to it. Then, to her generally strange happiness, nothing seemed to grasp Vulpix, though she felt a tiny moment of tugging on her hip. As the white subsided, Winter was still clutching on to Vulpix, and Randall and Carly were still standing in front of her, though the Tangrowth and the Manectric were gone.

“What was that all about?” Winter yelled.

“This,” Randall calmly replied, holding up a gleaming Pokeball in his hand.

“So? It’s your Pokeball! Why should that matter?”

“Ah, you are wrong,” he irritatingly responded. “It is a Pokeball, yes. But it is yours.”

“W-Wha—“

“Vulpix, return!”

Randall said this while clicking the white button on the front of the Pokeball. A jet of red light erupted from it, engulfing Vulpix and sending it into the Pokeball. Then, Randall laid his finger upon a hidden black button on the back of the Pokeball.

“Vulpix, you are released.”

And the Pokeball released a blue light, and Vulpix appeared once more.



“What did you just do?” Winter screamed while on the verge of tears, knowing Randall’s coming response before he said it.

“I have released your Vulpix. Now you cannot return it and, once it is properly weakened, we may recapture it ourselves. Here,” he said, throwing Winter the empty Pokeball. “I no longer have need for this.”

Through this, Vulpix said nothing. It simply continued to look up at Team Legends (and now Winter) with mild curiosity, its head tilted to one side. Winter was in complete shock as Carly crouched down with a small, metal disk and laid it on Vulpix’s back. Carly then pressed a button on the disk’s top.

“No!”

Winter originally thought it had exploded (hence her shocked and angry response), but then saw otherwise. Her “no”, however, was justified. The disk had not exploded, but a net had exploded from it, wrapping itself around Vulpix, fitting perfectly like a crosshatched tight-suit. Vulpix could not move its limbs, but it wiggled in an attempt to get free, and weak attempts at speech could be heard as whimpers from its closed red mouth. Just as suddenly as the net has erupted from the disk, a chain flew out of Randall’s sleeve, attaching itself to Vulpix’s binds. Randall them firmly gripped the chain and turned, chain over his shoulder. He then spoke without turning around.

“Thank you for your Pokemon. It will not go to waste, we thank you for your time, etcetera, etcetera.”

He gave a lazy flick of his hand goodbye, as though swatting an irksome fly, and Team Legends began to walk away.



“You can’t do this!” Cried Winter.

But Team Legends did not stop walking. Randall simply gave another flick of his hand.

“We just did,” he replied languidly, raising his voice a bit to cover their distance.

“No!”

No matter what she said, however, they dragged Vulpix into the doors of their giant, robotic Fearow. Winter gave chase, as fast she could, and ran up the wing-ramps to the doors and held them open, shouting at the top of her voice.

“Oh no you don’t!”

She screamed with strain as she held open the closing door, Randall staring at her in surprise and shock. Carly was nowhere to be seen, and had evidently gone further somewhere into the Fearow to tinker with controls. Vulpix continued to attempt escape with small whimpers and shakes.

“O-Open,” Randall stammered.

The doors opened willingly and Winter stood in the doorway, panting. She walked in to face Randall. The room that she entered looked like a ballroom. It was perfectly cylindrical, matching the outside of the Fearow’s body. The walls and floor were a cold, unforgiving metallic gray and there seemed to be no controls. However, four to six doors circled the room, leading to the belief that the controls were in other rooms. Winter stared at Randall, face-to-face, blue eyes to black.

“I want Vulpix back,” she said firmly, trying to keep her voice from shaking with fear and anger.

“Well you cannot have it,” Randall replied calmly. “As I told you before, Ninetales are shockingly hard to find, let alone capture, so we must evolve-“

“But why my Vulpix? We not just catch one?”

“Because, simple girl,” he began with the faintest hint of a smirk. “That we mean we would have to train it to follow us and to teach it new moves, neither of which we want to do. We have also heard word that there was a girl going around, beating various gym leaders. And so we found you. We knew your Vulpix would be nicely powered. And was it? Yes. Was it also easy to capture? Yes.”

“Am I gonna get my Vulpix back? You bet I will!”

“Ha!” Scoffed Randall, finally showing some emotion through his evil smile. “I would very much like you try. Come out once more, Tangrowth!”

The massive tangle of vines erupted once more from Randall’s Pokeball, stomping firmly on the ground between Winter and Randall.

“What will you do now?”

At this, Winter actually laughed. “What? You think I don’t have any other Pokemon? Absol, time to battle!”

At this, a second red light came, this time from Winter’s blue-and-white Great Ball. A Pokemon landed on the metal floor and reared back on its clawed hind legs. Its shape was that of a wolf with a flat, stone-colored face. Its mouth was none too visible, and its small red eyes looked at Tangrowth with a righteous fury. On the right side of its head, its fur fell like side bangs on a human. On the left, a large spike curved up towards to ceiling. An oval-shaped gem gleamed on its forehead.

“No matter,” Randall said dismissively. “Tangrowth, Bind!”

“Absol, Dectect!”

As Tangrowth’s vines lashed out to grab Absol, Absol’s gem shined brightly. Tangrowth’s attempt at Bind simply withdrew, as though bouncing off an invisible bubble around Absol.

“Now use Future Sight, Absol! Then Flamethrower!”

Absol’s gem gleamed profoundly once more, followed by a jet of fire shooting from it.

“Tangrowth, quickly! Protect!” Randall, shouted, sudden worry evident in his voice. “Then destroy that damn Absol with Power Whip!”

This time it was not vines that bounced away, but the flames. They simply dissipated around Tangrowth, as though a shield surrounded it. Tangrowth’s arms vines then grew multiple sizes larger and slammed on top of Absol, crushing him down to the cold steel.

“Absol!” Yelled Winter.

“Ha! You see what happens when you challenge Team Legends?” Mocked Randall.

Winter was in a saddened shock. She couldn’t understand how she would win. She brought out the Pokeball at her waist as a habit: Vulpix’s old Pokeball. She didn’t know how-

“That’s it,” she whispered.

“What?” Randall scoffed. “Going to throw your tears at me?”

“Heeah!”

“Wha-“

Winter threw her Pokeball at the netted Vulpix.

Randall screamed at Tangrowth. “Quick, hit it away, Tangrowth!”

“Taaaaangro-“

But Tangrowth’s vine did not make it to the Pokeball. It stopped absurdly in mid-reach, finally feeling intense pain. Future Sight had finally hit it. The Pokeball continued to fly through the air, and finally landed with a thunk on Vulpix. It sucked it in, in a flash of red light. It was as though time had stopped. Winter and Randall froze in their stances, watching the Pokeball shake. Absol and Tangrowth both glanced up as well, watching from the floor.

“Please…” whispered Winter.

Once, it shook…

Twice, it shook again…
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  #2  
Old 02-17-2010, 01:04 AM
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Default Re: Igniting the Winter Flame

Claimed, as per request. ;D
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  #3  
Old 02-21-2010, 09:10 PM
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Default Re: Igniting the Winter Flame

Introduction:
The introduction reminded me somewhat of an RPG video game. As if I, as the player, were soaring over the world map and being told of the back-story/legend/whatever. I'm not sure how to describe it better than that, but it was indeed my initial impression.

It also gave me mixed feelings on the introduction as a whole. Though it was brilliantly worded, it really reminded me of a plot overview. Rather than to wonder where the story goes in the heat of the moment, I'm instead, told what will be the plot. That's a bit disappointing when you think about it. Watch and make sure that you don't reveal too much too soon, otherwise, it'll leave readers disappointed when they get through the story.


Plot:
A girl named Winter sits alone with her Vulpix as if it were an average day when a giant Fearow descends from the heavens and strikes the ground. Turns out, the Fearow is a mechanical plane which reveal Randy and Carly. They go to steal Vulpix to awaken Heatran in Stark Mountain.

Before I continue, I wanted to say that although Team Legend is cliché in ideas, I really loved the introduction they gave. It not only reminded me of the original anime series, but what I like about Team Rocket and the protagonists they once were.

Anywho - the plot I found was something that anyone could think of. Although it's not the traditional "boy/girl walks into forest and captures mon", it was "Ash Winter is enjoying a day with Pikachu Vulpix, when Team Rocket Legends appears to steal the Pokemon."

See where I'm going with this? Always try to flesh out plots into something bigger, something interesting. Certainly something that hasn't been done before.


Dialogue, Grammar & Detail:
On Stuff;
I threw these three categories in together since the first two are acceptable in the story. You have plenty of engaging and interesting dialogue, especially where concerning Team Legends. Yet, when they mentioned Stark Mountain, it left so much to be desired.

Quote:
“We require many various Fire Pokemon in order to awaken a legendary Fire Pokemon in Stark Mountain, and a Ninetales is strangely difficult to capture. Therefore, we must take your Vulpix and evolve it.”
Why hers? Was it the first one they spotted from the Fearow? (I did note that they said they'd have to teach a new one moves, but again - why Winter's?) To explain their villainy so quickly, as if in passing, really seems to throw the main plot idea aside. (Which is probably one of the things you don't want to do in a story).

On Grammar;
Quote:
“Tangrowth, quickly! Protect!” Randall, shouted, sudden worry evident in his voice.
There's an extra comma after Randall. Yup. That's the only thing I found - and I really had to nitpick for it. Wonderful job on the grammar section. :D

On Dialogue;
I actually asked another grader what they thought of your dialogue. They said there was too much. I on the other hand, quite liked the amount you had in there. However, we both agreed that the dialogue was funny, engaging and got the points across very well. (And again, Team Legends' dialogue is very enjoyable).

On Detail;
I'm not sure how to phrase this section, as I'm conflicted in two parts. The first consists of actual detail, such as the surroundings and description of people and Pokemon. You were very detail oriented, which is wonderful. It gives the reader ideas of how characters should look. However, I noticed one thing here.

Quote:
One was a man with shoulder-length, lank black hair and a small goatee. His thin face was complimented by his small shoulders. The other was a slender woman, with long, navy hair and a pretty, yet mean face. Both wore outfits comprised of white tight-suits that extended onto their feet and hands, and ended at the top part of their necks. They wore red jackets with a golden L emblazoned on the back. The stood back-to-back with their arms crossed.
When you tend to describe something, you do it all at once. Here, you perfectly explain what Carly and Randall look like. They are described well - yet you hardly get a mention of what they look like elsewhere. Sometimes, it's better to split up the description through the story, so that the reader not only gets hints along the way, but then they don't have t read a giant paragraph about looks that they may forget later.

On that note, the second part of detail is Winter. Winter is your main character, yet she is the one I know least about! I think she has brown hair... And a Vulpix. She cares for Vulpix a lot, but I'm not sure why. I'm not told that. I'm not told her age or even why she's outside that day. Unless you're planning on continuing the fic to explain Winter (and her personality), then I'd suggest a tad more character development.


Length:
You did exceed 10k, which is the minimum requirement... yet when aiming for a Medium Ranked Pokemon, it is best to try to get to the middle. 15k is a better mark, although 11k is adequate.


Battle:
You had a very nice battle - but it was very short and lacked description. You did indeed say what happened, that for example, "Absol shot a jet of fire from his mouth", but what did that look like? How large was the streaming inferno? The battle could have been much longer with a much better variety of moves. When written out, it looks like this;

Tangrowth - Bind
Absol - Detect
Absol - Future Sight and Flamethrower
Tangrowth - Protect and Powerwhip

When they aren't described thoroughly, it leads to a very short battle. Interesting, but short. :/


Catching:
This was very borderline, since the plot is essentially what makes a story, and yours seemed ripped from a Pokemon Episode. (And especially where the target mon is a Medium mon, A GOOD PLOT IS IMPORTANT). I honestly think if this were written from Team Legends' point of view, it would have not only been more entertaining, but we may be able to comprehend the plot to a greater degree. However, you had impeccable grammar, fair detail and a fair introduction, a nice (but short) battle and you did complete the length requirements (at minimum). Vulpix Captured - but just barely. And you should still totally write from Team Legends' perspective instead. ;D.
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