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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 01-26-2010, 12:52 AM
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Default Pokemon Sinnoh Journeys (ready for grading)

Marc woke at the crash of his alarm clock on a cold winter morning."5 more minutes Mum...zzz." he groaned, pulling the covers over himself.
" MARC!" A Man called from downstairs.
"You have to be ready to go to lake verity for our exploration in the cavern!"
Marc remembered suddenly and got dressed immediatly. Marc was a tall 14 year old boy with messy, dark brown hair, that stuck out everywhere. He had always wanted to be an explorer and today dream was about to become true. Marc's dad and his friend proffesor Rowan, had been planning a trip to lake verity after hearing rumors that a rare pokemon lived in the cavern there. As a treat, they decided to take Marc along too. Marc rushed outside and ran to the lake as fast as he could.
"Marc, wait! We can't go yet, we need to tell roffesor Rowan we're leaving!" too late...

As Marc ran he noticed a small red and white ball lying in the grass.
"Hmmm... iit's a pokemon. Freshly caught too. I'll take it to the olice later" he murmured.
at last he got to the lake and noticed a boy being attacked by a small bird pokemon.
"HELP! it beat my pokemon! fight it and then use this to catch it." he tossed a pokeball over to Marc, who caught it.
"go, pokeball!" he threw the pokeball contaning the pokemon he found earlier. it was a black weasel pokemouipn with a pink feather sticking out it's head. a sneasel.
"sneasel, ice shard!" the sneasel shot a small icicle at the bird pokemon, who dodged it with a double team, and then swooed down at sneasel and used arial ace. it hit sneasel full-force on the face, but he was quick to retaliate with another ice shard, sending another icicle at starly and sending him crashing to the ground, as Marc threw the pokeball and watched the bright light envelop Starly.

pokemon atemmpted to capture-Starly

Last edited by altariaking; 03-07-2010 at 04:42 PM.
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  #2  
Old 01-26-2010, 01:16 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Sinnoh Journeys

As a grader, I feel that you may benefit from first reading How to Write Stories. This guide can really help with structure and suggestions.

Also - this thread, All the Pokemon We Don't Hate lists all the Pokemon you can capture and has the character limits for the Pokemon you're trying to capture. Starly, for example, is a Simple Mon, which requires a stroy to be 5 to 10k. Your story falls short of 2k. :/

Good luck with your writing. Perhaps once the story is improved, you'll b able to catch the Starly. :D
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  #3  
Old 03-05-2010, 01:17 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Sinnoh Journeys

thanks for your critique, i just rushed it, so here's hoping this one will be better

Chapter 2

The Starly burst free from the pokeball, as it flew back to the black haired, tall kid that Marc was trying to protect.
"hahaha! That was just me testing your abilities as a trainer, and you couldn't even catch a measly little Starly!" The boy jeered, as Marc gritted his teeth in anger.
"Who are you anyway!?"
"My name? I have no name. They call me X, my goal is to create a world with only the most powerful. The weak, I toss aside, but you aren't even worthy of my time. Farewell" At that he released a purple bat pokemon from a pokeball, and held on to it as it soared into the air.
"Grrr..." growled Marc in anger, "That guy thinks he's so tough? the next time I meet him, he's going down!"
"Ahh, Marc, I see you're already here! And who's this then?" Prof. Rowan had arrived and gave a nod towards Sneasel, as Marc returned him to his pokeball.
"Oh, that's my new Sneasel, I found it's pokeball just abandoned there, so I'm going to look after him."
"Excellent! You'll be needing a dark type if We're lucky enough to find Mesprit." Prof. Rowan said to Marc, who could remember everything about his lesson in types.
"So, we going anytime soon?" Marc asked. Prof Rowan chuckled at this.
"Yes,yes. This way!"
Marc followed Prof. Rowan to the edge of the lake. Marc realised that nether him nor Prof. Rowan had a water Pokemon.
"Prof. Rowan?"
"Yes?"
"How exactly are we going to get across?"
"Oh, I'm sure you,ll think of something."

-----------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, In a dark place with zubat flying around endlessly, Two hooded men where talking. "I found him."
"You sure it's definetely him?"
"Positive."
"Then you know what to do."
"As you wish sir.""Good luck, X."

------------------------------------------------

Atree smacked down to the ground with a thud, creating a bridge across the lake, result of Sneasels brick break.
"Great thinking Marc! Now we may Proceed."
However, just as Marc took a step forward, a Wurmple appeared from the tree and attacked with a tackle attack.
"Wurmple huh? This should be easy, Sneasel, use Slash!"
Sneasel prepared to strike Wurmple with his claw, but wurmple managed to stop him with a well aimed string shot to sneasels eyes, blindfolding him.
"Well, looks like we're fighting this thing blindfold, Sneasel, Use powder Snow!"
A flurry of snow fell from the sky, burying wurmple underneath, and freezing parts of the lake.
"Time to catch It! Pokeball, go!"
Marc threw the pokeball, which sucked wurmple in upon contact.

pokemon attempted to capture: Wurmple
Author's note: That has got to be one of the shortest battles ever, but then, it's a wurmple.
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  #4  
Old 03-11-2010, 05:44 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon Sinnoh Journeys (ready for grading)

this gonna be graded anytime soon??
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  #5  
Old 04-21-2010, 01:38 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Sinnoh Journeys (ready for grading)

please somebody grade this i've been waiting over a month...
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  #6  
Old 09-23-2010, 03:22 PM
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Post Re: Pokemon Sinnoh Journeys (ready for grading)

I will do this one.
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  #7  
Old 09-27-2010, 01:21 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Sinnoh Journeys (ready for grading)

Introduction: You shouldn’t redescribe your heroes, but since this is the second chapter of a story, you need to write a summary of chapter one. In this case, however, the first chapter is short, so it’s not such a biggy. But remember: even if a story is the continuation of a previous story, they are completely irrelevant for the grader. You must act as if it’s a brand new one.

Plot: Very simple, but a bit messed up too. Those two hooded men have nothing to do with the story, although I guess you may continue the story and use that info for something, so I am not saying anything. However, the dialogue between Marc and X is too short. X only menaces Marc and then flies away? Doesn’t Marc have something to say to him? It seems that you only put it for a quick way to create some mystery. Even though you are trying for a wurmple, your story must have some structure. Also, avoid using scenarios and people from the series and games (basically scenarios, because persons from the series may also improve your story). It’s a bit obvious that this is what Lucas was doing with Prof. Rowan in Diamond/Pearl/Platinum.

Grammar: No grammar mistakes!

Spelling: You need to be more careful whenever you write a story. The text has only two spelling mistakes, which, nevertheless, ruin the picture of your story: nether instead of neither and where instead of were (two hooded men where talking). The first mistake is not that big, but the second one is.

Punctuation: Your story is filled with mistakes that could have easily been avoided. For example, there are capitals in the middle of periods, while some letters that need to be capitalized are small. We capitalize word that are first in a period (period is the part of the text that is between two fullstops, question marks, exclamation marks etc, but not commas, ; and :) Thus, we do not capitalize words after ;, : and commas. In addition, whenever a dialogue starts we put a capital. Furthermore, at some point you wrote “result of sneasels brick break”. First, you are obliged to capitalize all pokemon related words (names, moves, items etc), and second, when you want to say that someone possesses something, we use ‘s, or just ‘ if that someone is in plural, after the someone. In other words, the foresaid phrase becomes “result of Sneasel’s Brick Break (all the words of a move name are capitalized)”. Going on, whenever a dialogue ends with a fullstop and there is a speech verb after it, we replace the fullstop with a comma, and the following phrase doesn’t start with a capital. E.g.: “I am going to the toilet,” said Tom and not “I am going to the toilet.” Said Tom. However, we do not do these two if the following verb is not a direct speech verb. Say, warn, menace, cry, yell, whisper etc are verbs that describe directly the speech, but laugh or smile do not. Instead, they describe something that the person does while or after talking. E.g.: “This is the most hilarious joke I have ever heard.” She laughed, But “This is … heard,” she said and laughed. Finally, it’s “you‘ll think of something” and not “you,ll think of something”.

Paragraphing: We change paragraph whenever somebody new starts talking, or somebody else becomes the center of attention in the text, or the topic changes (for example, going from the description of the appearance of a hero to the description of his/her character). We do not change paragraph when we are talking about the same person, even if he talks between the narrations (e.g. “I am John!” John said to Larry. He shook hands with him and then went on. “It’s nice to meet you!”)
“Meanwhile, In a dark place with zubat flying around endlessly, Two hooded men where talking. "I found him."”
You have to change paragraph after talking, because you focus on one of the two men. It’s like changing the center of attention.
“"So, we going anytime soon?" Marc asked. Prof Rowan chuckled at this.
"Yes,yes. This way!"”
You have to change paragraph after asked, because you go from Marc to Rowan, but not after at this, because Rowan is still the one having our attention, even though he starts talking. In other words:
"So, we going anytime soon?" Marc asked.
Prof Rowan chuckled at this. "Yes,yes. This way!"

Dialogues: The interior of your dialogues is ok. However, the exterior is not. It is good to always have speech verbs and relevant phrases following you dialogues. E.g.: “I cannot believe this!” is a bit dry, but gets better by adding after it he cried stunt in surprise. This could really help at the part with the two hooded men for example. Even a small “he said/answered/asked” can make a dialogue look much much better. Also, avoid having monologues, like the one with X and Marc.

Details: The only thing I have to say here is that you could use some details to make things a little clearer about what the two hooded men are talking about. Also, read below the example I wrote.

Battle: Your battle was short, but it was ok for a Wurmple. However, I do have one complaint to make. Sneasel uses Powder Snow and, puff, a layer of snow appears out of nowhere and covers the whole area. Didn’t any clouds gather up, didn’t the temperature fall before the snow fall? And since it’s POWDER Snow, shouldn’t the attack be more gentle and not instantly freeze the lake.


Given this opportunity, I will give you an example:
““… use powder snow!”
Sneasel stopped moving and turned his head towards the sky and clouds began to gather up. Marc bristled as soon as he felt the temperature falling. Wyrmple was watching pinned by its fear.
“This wasn’t smart. We are going to turn into ice cubes!” Marc thought, as it was the first time he had ever used this move. He turned around to notice that Prof. Rowan was sharing the same thought with him, judging from the old man’s facial expressions.
Snowflakes started appearing from above. At first, the snowfall was gentle. But soon it was snowing heavily. Nevertheless, the snowflakes were still softly touching the ground, as if they were weightless. Yet a fat layer of snow was slowly covering the area, and poor Wurmple, being a short and tiny pokemon, was getting buried in it.
Marc realised that there was no point in keeping the attack going. He thus ordered Sneasel to stop summoning snow and the weather was instantly sunny and clear again. The snow began melting, so Marc realised this was his chance to capture Wurmple, now that it was still freezing from the cold snow around it.
“Time to catch it!” he exclaimed. “Pokeball, go!” he went on and threw the pokeball at the bug pokemon.
The ball hit the Wurmple, opening up and sucking the pokemon within. It then fell in the snow, moving around and wobbling. Marc was watching silently.”
All this text emerged from two lines of your story. You can be ultra descriptive anytime. This is a Wurmple story, so the two lines acceptable. However, as you write harder stories, you need to include descriptions like the one above. You need to think what exactly is happening and how the hero reacts to that. You nedd to say what happens (powder snow attack), how it happens (turn head towards sky, clouds gather, temperature fall, snowflakes and then snowstorm) how it affects the surroundings (layer of snow) and, in case of moves, if they were successful (Wurmple gets buried). Then, you need to think what your hero has to say about that and add that between the descriptions. It is also good writing how the hero responds to the events through his five senses. For example, I wrote that he got cold and bristled. In another story, you could write that smelling the awful stench from the attacking Grimer, he/she almost vomited. Or that, hearing the screech attack, he/she covered his/her ears in pain and shook all over.
So you can do in dialogues. It is good writing how one person reacts to somebody else’s words. For example,
“I like licking dirt off the floor,” exclaimed Jim to Tiffany.
“This is… Uhhh! I cannot even describe it!” cried Tiffany opening her mouth in disgust.
The “opening the mouth in disgust” is actually her reaction to what she just heard. You could say that writing stories is like solving a murder case.
If you follow these tips, you may end up writing more than you want, while improving your story. In other words, you may get the chance to try for a harder pokemon instead of the one you are aiming at.

Length: You story is 2,571 characters, which means it needs more words. Remember that previous chapters do not count in. A few more details should do the trick.

Outcome: Well, your story has quite a few flaws. Thus, Wurmple not captured. What I want you to do is copy and paste your story in a new post and fix all errors in punctuation, paragraphing and spelling, as well as to improve the description of Powder Snow and the dialogues by adding speech verbs. No need to make the changes distinguishable. Your story is small so I can read it all over. If you need anything, feel free to post and ask. My job here isn’t to punish you, but to help you write better stories. And don’t let this failure get you down! It happens to everyone!
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Last edited by Team Pokemon; 09-30-2010 at 11:03 AM.
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  #8  
Old 09-28-2010, 01:19 PM
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Post Re: Pokemon Sinnoh Journeys (ready for grading)

I added some extra comments in the battle section (writing in case you have already read the grade)
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Last edited by Team Pokemon; 09-28-2010 at 01:22 PM.
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