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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 01-15-2010, 04:06 AM
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Default Emotional Symbols

Why do we have emotions, love, hate, sadness, happiness? Why do we bottle them up inside until the emotional dam breaks and we bawl our eyes out? Maybe because we cannot understand the concept of how our emotions work, or our bodies just don’t want to show emotion. Whatever it is, it’s beyond our reach.

DRRRING

“Tout le monde, assieds toi!!” Mme Rose told us, speaking French to us. She noticed a seat missing an occupant. “Qui a absent?”

“Le poignant découper! “ Jimmy yelled out to the class, the rest of the class snickered at this.

I cut my wrists; I have scars on them because of depression and built up emotion that seemed to be released when the skin opened. I just needed someone to love me. I skip class so I can get away from everyone who does not have the same burden of emotions that I have. I am but an emotional teenage guy, with short hair and blue eyes. I have baggy jeans, a black sweater with a short sleeve red, designed shirt on. I sat outside the school, waiting for the days of humiliation and ridicule to be over. I took out a Pokeball from my pocket. I pressed the small button on the center of the ball and pointed that button away from me. The ball opened and shot a crimson light out of the ball, forming in the shape of a creature. It had the shape of a tall dog, with short hair on some parts, and big puffs of white fur on some parts. It had a crescent horn coming out of its head and a moon like crescent on its tail. It had black skin and white hair and fur.

“Absol, I want you to walk with me to the pond.” I told her, pointing behind the school.

She nodded, understanding that I was sad. We walked through the trees of Pokémon, staring down at us with eyes of content. They always seemed so happy to be just hanging there, never battling, and never doing much really.

“I wish my life was as peaceful as you are.” I commented on the tranquility of this place.

I looked around to see a group of pinecones hanging from the tree. There was some small black and green leaved ones that seemed to be Pokémon, and a large overgrown pinecone that was blue and eyes.

“Is that a group of Burmy around a Pineco?” I asked Absol, who nodded her head. “Use Razor Wind to knock one down, Burmys are interesting creatures. I know they are weak, but I wish to have one, you know what to do.”

Absol made a small disk-like spiral of wind using the crescent on its head to sharpen the blade of it, which could cut through just about anything; it was too sharp to even touch. It flew towards the group, it knocked them all down, only one seemed to notice being on the ground.

“Burm!” Burmy called out at us.

“Hmm... Let’s not try to disturb the other Pokémon” I said to Absol. “Use Night Slash to weaken it!”

Absol swung its head around and around, making the area dark and hard to see. It was like night during the day. The Burmy couldn’t see that Absol was charging at it, ready to slash it with her bladed horn. Burmy noticed the darkness and braced, using Protect to create an invisible barrier around it and blocked the horn of Absol.

“Hmm quickly use Me First!” I told Absol who agreed with my choice of move by nodding its head.

Absol’s horn started emitting a deep blue from it. It was reading Burmy’s mind, it soon stopped and jumped in the air, fangs bared it took a huge bite into Burmy, who tried to bite Absol, but was consumed by Absol’s mouth before it could.

“Absol spit it out!” I yelled.

It looked at me for a moment but then quickly spit the little bug out. It could barely get up, but it did.

“Okay, I think we’ve weakened it enough!” I told my Absol with glee for once.

I threw out a red and white ball, with a large white button on the center. It opened and took the Burmy inside of it using a crimson light.
Tick Tick Tick


Pokemon:Burmy
Characters: 3,748
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  #2  
Old 01-23-2010, 11:49 PM
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Default Re: Emotional Symbols

Claimed. Now I'll go to sleep. I'll post the grade later.
eDIT: i would've posted sooner, but I was so damn sleepy.

Story: hm. So yeah. Emo teen randomly walks off school and decides to catch a Pokemon for no real reason. It was nothing interesting, honestly. Fine enough for a Burmy, but yeah, it wasn't that good a plot. The original characterisation of your protagonist kinda saved it- although you could have done a better job at it.

Grammar: the only thing I could spot were some minor comma/period confusion- yeah, it's not that easy to get from the get go. As a rule of thumb, when the verb after the dialogue is a verb of speech, you end the dialogue with a comma, else you end with a period. For example:

"C'mon, we'll be fine," he said. "It's not like there's any real danger!"

"I'm not sure..." She started fidgeting. "We aren't supposed to go there."

"Oh please!" he insisted. "They won't find out, I swear!"


Notice the difference? "said" and "insisted" required a comma and no capital (well, in the latter case you can have question and exclamation marks too in place of commas, but still no capital) while "started fidgeting" didn't, as it's an action completely unrelated to the dialogue scene.

Other than that, your grammar seems neat. Always remeber to run your story through a spell-checker, though. You never know what you may find.

Another thing, you may want to cut on the period usage. Too many stop the flow of the story, and that's not good- it can get quite annoing. Especially in descriptions, it really looks like the prettiness (or lack thereof) of your character is more important than the story you're telling. Do not simply point out the features (hair, eyes, clothes), but incorporate them in the story- tell the hair by means of the guy scratching his head, somebody ruffling his hair, a bully hitting him(ok that's a stretch I know), or his eyes by him rubbing or opening them wide. It makes it so much more interesting than a shopping list.

Detail/Description: well, it was pretty basic, but I'll say something about this nonetheless.

The surroundings play a big part in drawing in the reader and making him enjoy a story on different levels. You have to let the reader imagine what's happening in your story, not just tell them what's going on. For example, let's say I don't know how a school looks like, or what a school is. From what you described in your story, it's a something with rooms where people speak French and are rude to emo teens.
And the woods(?) opening behind the school, just how did it look like? Smell like? Sound like? You have to pay attention to this stuff if you want to make a leap to the next "category".

Length: duh, not much to say here. Though, honestly, I think you could've fleshed out more your character or his Absol. Live and learn I s'pose.

Things that Bugged Me: this isn't a thing normal graders put in, but I'm no normal, and I haven't graded in a while, so I'll just put in this what I found odd.

Right at the beginning, you say "Mme Rosie told us", but there was a seat missing- apparently, your character's seat. So he wasn't in the room already, which means the teacher couldn't have told him too. A minor thing, true, but details are pretty important.

The part about him cutting his wrists, while a little verbose, worked. I can't say what bothers me, I don't really know yet. Probably you just put too many unnecessary infos there. Or maybe it's just I don't understand emo.

The guy seems a little forceful to his Absol, despite supposedly being a shy and bottled up guy- it's all in the words you use when he talks to her. You said "I want you to walk me to the pond," which is a pretty authoritarian(?) way of saying things. It can go in battles, as you need to be quick thinking and clever, but in day-to-day life, it all depends on the kind of character you're using.

Battle: Well... I think you overdid it. First off, Me First uses a move from the opponent before it can strike- but Burmy was well behind a Protect, and if it were a reckless Pokemon to throw away its shield like that, it'd never have put one on in the first place, right?

Secondly, Absol are far stronger than a Burmy. Any attack, especially something like Bite, rather strong and boosted by type affinity, will ko the bagworm, unless the Pokemon is directly told to go easy. Always think about the posible consequences of the matchups.

[b]Outcome:[b] I just felt like typing, y'know? The story was pretty fine for a Burmy, although you can do better than that... I hope. Burmy caught.
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Last edited by DarkGardevoir; 01-24-2010 at 06:19 AM.
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