Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 12-29-2009, 03:07 PM
MisterSir's Avatar
MisterSir Offline
New Trainer
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2
Default Blind.

Blind.

Target Pokemon: Magikarp
Goal: 3-5k (characters)
Achieved: 4,124




I was blind.

To everyone I was an outcast. Even my parents sighed in relief when I left home.

So here I was by something large and liquid-like. A lake, I assumed.

What else?

Everything to me was in their shape and sound and feel. I could not see so I relied heavily on my other senses. I felt only the mucky ground beneath me and so only hoped I was on the right path.

But there was the lake. So I had to be close. I was going to my friend, Sakura. She was not blind unlike me. But told me of all the colors of the world. We were going to journey from our home to the mysterious Kanto region.

But there was one problem.

I needed a pokemon.

I wondered how I would get one. My cruel parents would have none of it. They valued the family Gloom more than me. That Gloom... was like a nanny to me.

One of three friends.

And then... I heard Sakura's light, gentle footsteps and soft breathing approach.

And with her was a tiny Burmy. Her only pokemon.

I felt as it thumped over the mushy ground.

I wondered if trees surrounded the lake, for I felt little wind, but I knew not. But what was it to me?

But it was everything. I wanted to see. It was my dream... to see again.

A cure for blindness. But this seemed unlikely by the talks between my mother and my father.

She came up slowly as if to sneak up on me.

"Hello Sakura." I said.

She sighed. "Hello Hikaru." I wondered if she was smiling.

Oh how I wanted to see! But at least I'd escaped his vile parents. Where had the Child Protection Agency been?

Although my parents had made me swear I would tell no one of how they treated me. So I hadn't.

Not even Sakura.

"Hikaru! Move!" Sakura's shrill voice said in a hurried, frantic tone.

Suddenly I was wet.

I spew the cold liquid out of my mouth.

"Sakura??" I screeched.

For a minute I only heard silence. That cold, cutting silence.

Then she spoke. "I'm here! It was a Magikarp doing a cannonball. Dumb thing." She said. "We'd better get going now that."

But before they could start leaving from the meeting place, the lake, the Magikarp spew a small stream of spray at me.

"You... stop that!" I said. it was getting annoying now. It was only a Magikarp...

But the strange thing persisted. "You! Stop it!"

Then it bounced out of the lake and flew at me. It knocked me off my feet into the mud. Sakura stifled a laugh. I gave a hard look in her direction. But it was hard to tell if my eyes could 'give a hard look'. But I think she got the message.

Then I decided to throw something at the Magikarp. I found a jagged little rock and threw it. But the Magikarp seemed to avoid it and simply splashed back into the water.

Angered, I went to the edge of the water. There, I grabbed a long branch and started to poke around for the fish.

"Hikaru! Be nice to the Magikarp!" Sakura said angrily.

"Why? it's only a fish." I said.

"But it deserves to live in peace." She argued.

"Not if it attacks me with Bounce! It's a shameful creature...." I said.

"Why don't you catch it and train it to be better than?"

"It's one of the worst pokemon! Ever!"

"It evolves into Gyrados. One of the best. Ever." She argued.

I sighed. For she was, after all, right.

So I threw a pokeball at the thing. But the pokeball merely floated on the water.

So I jumped in to get the pokeball. BUt as soon as I did, I started to sink. Something had grabbed me...

Seaweed.


Then mysteriously, I saw a color in the blackness. Was it a color?

It was... the absence of black.

What... what was it? It wrapped a tail around me and started to float up. Then the Magikarp came alongside and also carried me up.

Then the not-black thing jetted off into the sky.

"Sakura! DId you see that?"

"That white thing? Yes... I did." She said.

"It can cure my blindness. I am sure of it. It just rescued me... and I saw it! It was... not black." I said.

"Which is white." She said. I think she winked... Her Burmy chirped. Then a still quiet.

But soon enough I heard the Magikarp flailing by the side of the lake. Sighing in defeat, I threw a pokeball at it.

"To get to that white thing... I will, after all, need pokemon."


~~~~~~

Ready to grade.
__________________
Belief pierces being lost.

Last edited by MisterSir; 12-29-2009 at 03:55 PM. Reason: More story.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-07-2010, 04:34 AM
Shana2488's Avatar
Shana2488 Offline
Experienced Trainer
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Johto
Posts: 236
Send a message via AIM to Shana2488 Send a message via MSN to Shana2488 Send a message via Yahoo to Shana2488
Default Re: Blind.

Introduction: A blind character who is mistreated or neglected by his parents was an adequate introduction. However, I do feel that there is a large amount of information about your lead character missing. For example, how old is he? How long has he been blind? An introduction helps your reader tremendously get a feel for your character and how he feels about himself, the world around him, and the people he interacts with.

Plot: This was a great idea for a story even if it is basic. There are many ways that you as a writer could vastly improve this plot with elements relating to your characters. Developing a character is a writer's greatest asset for the simple reason that it allows you, the writer, to understand how a character feels or reacts concerning different things.

Dialogue: I'd have to say that the dialogue here was what had your characters the most developed. It showed that Hikaru wasn't much of an animal person (i.e. the comment about "it's just a fish") and that he was probably frustrated with his blindness; Sakura was a soft-hearted person who also spoke her mind; and that the two liked to tease and argue with each other like good friends. Still, you might want to add more dialogue next time. It helps you get a better feel for your characters when they converse whether the topic is important or just gibberish.

Grammar: You did well enough on grammar. There's really only a couple of things that I'd like to point out.

First of all, don't use the Enter key so much. The only reason you should do something like this is when characters are speaking. Otherwise, put sentences into a paragraph until the subject changes such as when Hikaru is talking about himself being blind. All of that should have been in one paragraph that ended when he met up with Sakura.

Secondly, try to extend your sentences so that you don't have so many choppy lines. One sentence is a complete thought. I'll give you an example:

Quote:
And then... I heard Sakura's light, gentle footsteps and soft breathing approach.

And with her was a tiny Burmy. Her only pokemon.
Those three sentences could have been made into only two.

Quote:
And then I heard Sakura's approach from the light, gentle footsteps and soft breathing. She was with her only Pokemon, Burmy.
Try rewording your sentences so that everything can fit into only one or two instead of three or four incomplete sentences. Also, run a spelling & grammar check; it helps a great deal!

Detail: I'm afraid that detail is what you lack the most of. I couldn't get into the story at all because I didn't know anything. The thing you described the most was that he was blind and the story seemed to focus only on that fact. You did describe in one sentence how he relies on his other senses. Show it! He could have been able to tell if there were trees if he could smell them. The sound of the leaves rustling, the Magikarp splashing, the deafening of sound itself when he went underwater could have all described his surroundings and what he was going through. Even if he can't see Sakura, I'll bet she had a natural scent to her or a tone of voice when she talked. You don't have to use only the sense of sight for a character to be able to describe his surroundings.

Battle: There was little to no battle other than him throwing a rock. I understand that he has no Pokemon of his own and that Hikaru cannot see, but why not have Sakura and her Burmy battle the Magikarp?

Length: The length did indeed meet the character limit, but it could have been so much better if you had added detail and didn't simply chop up sentences.

Outcome: Magikarp not captured. I realize that this was your first story, but I'm afraid that this story does not fit the criteria for even an easy grading. That's okay! You have a great idea and I'd love to read this story! Here are some tips you can follow:

-- Try to add more detail. Describe the smell, sound, taste, or feel. Vibrations and the air are wonderful examples that you've already implemented! Try to use just more than that to give your reader an idea of his surroundings such as the time of day, where he moves, where other characters move.

-- Don't use so many sentences. Remember that a single sentence is a complete thought. You don't have to chop up your sentences to describe one thing and then another; reword some things to describe it in only one or two sentences. Also, don't over-do it on the enter key

-- Add more battle and plot. Take an idea or two of what might or could happen to your characters, roll with it, and see where it leads your characters! Experiment!

These are just some suggestions and ideas. You have a great idea, it just needs a little work! Put a little bit more effort into it and it will pay off well! Once you've fixed it up a bit, PM me for a regrade either on AIM or here on PE2K! I'll be glad to help you out in any way I can. If you're still confused, check out the How to Write Stories thread to get an idea of what can help you make your story better!

Last edited by Shana2488; 01-07-2010 at 07:22 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 02-02-2010, 04:11 AM
EmBreon's Avatar
EmBreon Offline
Killjoy
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: <insert funny>
Posts: 4,492
Send a message via AIM to EmBreon Send a message via MSN to EmBreon
Default Re: Blind.

Agh, sorry I missed this and took so long to correct it. But MisterSir, you can go ahead and take your Magikarp. The grade is a bit harsh. Magikarp is in Easiest, and this story is fine for that.
__________________
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:45 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com