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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 10-11-2009, 06:48 PM
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Default The Dark Secrets of the Orb of Invincibility

Hey! This is a fic I'm working hard on, so PLEASE don't be too harsh!

EDIT: This is now officially rated T for TEENS

Character Bios:

Cryst: A sassy, extremely beautiful, incredibly powerful and fast, snow-white Persian with a gem colored a silvery-sea green, eyes a silvery-lavender, and no whiskers or whisker-type things on her head. A blast of Roar of Time turned her into a vampire beauty called a Shade, with all the same qualities, yet more ferocious and more emotionless. She is a hard-driven, determined beauty, very independent and witty, and able to run faster than a Suicune. She usually has a Suicune sash all around her body, just like a Suicune does. She is totally unique. When a friend is in trouble, at least about to die, she'll protect them. Soon, along her journey, she unexpectedly falls in love with Liam.

Liam: An amazingly handsome Mightyena with a silvery-bronze crescent scar going from over his eye to the corner of his mouth and firey bronze eyes. He's much like Cryst, but is a little more headstrong, if that's even possible. He and Cryst are a team you want covering your back in a fight.

Tygruti: A spunky Flame Shi, who's itching to fight everything evil. He has hard, ice-blue eyes, and is a Persian-Raikou fusion. He warms to Cryst and in book 3, engages in the epic battle between the two comrades over Cryst, winner takes her heart. When he looks upon her, his eyes turn warmer and silky. He falls for Samatra, a Ghyu who later betrays him.

Shuthr: He's a Delta. Made entirely of steel, but with scythes of molten metal that is incredibly sharp. He's prickly; a loner, a rogue, a mercenary. He cares little for others. He lives a harsh life and is harsh himself. His one friend (Ralda) died years ago... But underneath his harshness lies a softer, kinder Shuthr, but he is hidden away, concealed very deep.

Saya: Saya is nice, but very sarcastic. She likes to play pranks, but only silly little small ones. She has many talents; among these, the uncanny ability to sense hidden emotions and she can uncannily layer many different emotions into her voice and can meld severely conflicting emotions into her voice flawlessly(i.e. she can say something both angrily and joyfully, with equal amounts of both).

Ralda: An Umbreon with snow white fur, but still with gold rings. Her eyes are a deep, hypnotic blue. She's headstrong and brave, but she can be a bit timid at extreme times. She is always looking for Shuthr, the friend she lost when she became a vampire. She is always on the side of good, and has the power to sense if someone's telling the truth or if they're lying. She can also sense what side is evil and what side is good.

Tokkono: Tokkono is an evil vampiric Mawile. She is an expert on teasing people, and then driving them insane. She prefers to work alone, and likes to taunt. She is black and red instead of black and yellow. It is said that a single glance from her when she is in her darkest mood can drive you absolutely crazy.

Poster! Put in sig please! It's not my characters as they look exactly, cause nobody can exactly make them, but it's still good. Here's the code: [*URL=http://img21.imageshack.us/i/orbbanner.png/][IMG]http://img21.imageshack.us/img21/8787/orbbanner.png*[/IMG][/URL] Remove *

~Guest Star Form~
Name:
Pokemon:
Gender:
Good or Evil:
Vampire or not:
Extra Features:
Summary of Personality:

Chapter 1 up next!
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  #2  
Old 10-11-2009, 07:11 PM
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Default Re: The Dark Secrets of the Orb of Invincibility

Chapter 1 is up!

Chapter 1

Cryst hissed at the muscled Primal Dialga. She was a sassy, incredibly fast and powerful, beautiful, snow-white Persian. She had no whiskers or any other whisker like things on her head, and her gem was a silvery-sea green-lavender color. She was aiming to defeat Primal Dialga and get the Orb of Infinity as a trophy. Primal Dialga roared and shot a Hyper Bream at her. Cryst danced out of the way with ease, not even singing her fur. She leapt into the air, digging her claws into a pillar on the dais, landing in a crouched position, and pushed herself off, twisting through the air to deliver a corkscrew Crystalline Aeroblast. Primal Dialga roared in pain as a giant, sharp crystal drove its sharp point into the vulnerable spot between his front right shoulder blade and his collarbone. Blood trickled down from where the crystal had pierced. Primal Dialga’s front right claw went totally numb. He tried to shake off the sudden pain. Cryst hissed a snicker. Suddenly, a Roar of Time surrounded her. She yowled and writhed, as it felt like her very flesh was being burned off. She felt blood trickle into her eyes, and then everything went black.

She woke to find her teeth were sharper than they'd ever been. They were fangs now. She was still snow-white, but her gem was gone. Now there was a black skull rimmed with blood-red on here forehead. Her eyes were blood-red. She felt sadness, and when this emotion flashed, she returned to her normal appearance. Then it was gone. She felt invincible. Now she was going to get the 13 Orbs so she'd have all the Orbs required.
Then Primal Dialga would die.

Guest stars? Comments?
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  #3  
Old 10-11-2009, 07:33 PM
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Default Re: The Dark Secrets of the Orb of Invincibility

First comment. :)

I like the idea you have going on here. I only read about Vampiric Pokemon once before, and I'm interested in seeing how the Pokemon differ from the other story I read. I can't really say much else about the plot as I only have Chapter 1 and the character bios to read. Also, I was surprised to see Primal Dialga. I wonder how he fits in all this and the world your story is set in.

Now, I think that you're moving the story a bit too fast. There's nothing wrong with action and fight scenes and whatnot, but the very beginning of a fan fic is used to introduce the readers to your characters, letting them know who they are, where they are from, and anything else that you think is important. You told us how Cryst looked like, but I have no idea who she is, where she has come from, or why she's even fighting for this Orb in the first place. Mystery and keeping your readers wondering is good, but that should be used later on, once everybody knows what's happening and why; being very confused in the beginning is a big turn-off for readers. D:

Keep writing because this has promise! Just take it a little more slow in the beginning. Give readers some time to know Cryst and the situation she's in. :)

- Kat
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  #4  
Old 10-12-2009, 03:20 AM
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Default Re: The Dark Secrets of the Orb of Invincibility

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantom Kat View Post
First comment. :)

I like the idea you have going on here. I only read about Vampiric Pokemon once before, and I'm interested in seeing how the Pokemon differ from the other story I read. I can't really say much else about the plot as I only have Chapter 1 and the character bios to read. Also, I was surprised to see Primal Dialga. I wonder how he fits in all this and the world your story is set in.

Now, I think that you're moving the story a bit too fast. There's nothing wrong with action and fight scenes and whatnot, but the very beginning of a fan fic is used to introduce the readers to your characters, letting them know who they are, where they are from, and anything else that you think is important. You told us how Cryst looked like, but I have no idea who she is, where she has come from, or why she's even fighting for this Orb in the first place. Mystery and keeping your readers wondering is good, but that should be used later on, once everybody knows what's happening and why; being very confused in the beginning is a big turn-off for readers. D:

Keep writing because this has promise! Just take it a little more slow in the beginning. Give readers some time to know Cryst and the situation she's in. :)

- Kat
Thanks a bunch, Kat! And I'm not revealing anything about her yet cause it's later on in the story. Mystery! And I'm gonna add an index of what words in other languages mean. Chapter 2 almost done! Keep reading, P-Kat! Enjoy!
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Last edited by DarkraiRaider; 10-12-2009 at 11:09 PM.
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  #5  
Old 10-12-2009, 11:10 PM
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Default Re: The Dark Secrets of the Orb of Invincibility

Chapter 2

Cryst spotted a shadow moving in the trees, also snow-white. It had beautiful eyes, an icy lavender color. She dashed at it. It dodged and a light, tinkling laugh filled Cryst’s mind. The laugh turned into an ear-shattering screech as a burst of flame shot past Cryst.
“Shrvnevili!” Cryst cursed in Primal Crystalline language. Nearby, she heard the same curse uttered in a warm, velvety male voice.
“Shrvnevili! A Flame Shi!” the voice cursed.
Cryst spotted a creepy looking Persian-Raikou fusion standing there. A low rumble was in its throat.
“Hrengfu!” Cryst hissed. The thing shot a fireblast at her and in return, she shot a Crystalline Aeroblast at it. It yelped.
“Klyung! Hmuryst Gda Iuyvt Hjyur Sdwra Dsa Hjyur! (Freeze! Peaceful meanings, youngling!)” the Flame Shi yelled in Shinian. “Liam shni grsa!(Where is Liam?)”
“Hjyur?” Cryst hissed, puzzled. “Shrimn Lgre Tyursw Hjyur?! Liam Hgertsjk?(Youngling? You dare call me youngling?! Who is Liam?)” she asked, surprised she knew Shinian. The Flame Shi hesitated.
“Tygruti! Liam jt ifsf, ebno eph!****” the warm voice barked. A handsome Mightyena appeared, with a warm smile. One glance and a hiss spit out of her throat as Cryst back-flipped away from him. His face was ravaged by a crescent scar going from the corner of his right eye down to the corner of his lip. It screamed dangerous.
Cryst liked him.
“Staryisch Makgdy Jhhysjd Agsck Mightyebg?!***” Cryst barked.
“Myschga Hfhre ghtil avef Liam**,” the Mightyena smirked. The Flame Shi smiled.
“Yiubd hsdgb ghsf dysh staryisch, yiubd sdfbiy kjluh ased ads yiubdfers, Crsde!*” he said shyly.
“Err…” she replied, unable to think of something.
“Name?” Liam asked. Cryst decided to not give her real name and stated her Primal Crystalline name.
“Libshomin Jistno Crsy. Crystal of Death Blood.”


******* Freeze! Peaceful meanings, youngling!

****** Where is Liam?

***** Youngling? You dare call me youngling?! Who is Liam?

**** Tygruti! I’m here, d*mn dog!

*** Beautiful creature, state your name!

** My name is Liam, newling.

* If you want to see beautiful, look at yourself, Crystal Child.


Comments? Bio on Tygruti comin' up! Please apply for a guest star!
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  #6  
Old 10-17-2009, 07:11 PM
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Default Re: The Dark Secrets of the Orb of Invincibility

Might I offer advice? First, the language in chap 2 is confusing. and second, a would reduce the title if I were you.
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  #7  
Old 10-17-2009, 07:53 PM
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Default Re: The Dark Secrets of the Orb of Invincibility

I have read this earlier, but my computer was glitched up.

Okay, your method of translating what the characters are saying is extremely confusing. I though they were cussing when I saw all those asteriks, not to mention the fact that the chapter went over my head because I had no idea what they were saying. Later, I did because I looked at the bottom of the page, but it was too late; I already had an unplesant time reading the chapter. A better way to do this would be something like:

"Zvar! Hake no ty!" ("Halt! Do not come closer!") shouted the Ninetales.

That way, as readers read, they'll know what is being saying while understanding that the language used by your characters is not English.

Again, try to add description. Cryst and the others could be at the lip of a dormant volcano for all I know. Like I said before, when things are really unclear and confusing to the reader, they will most likely stop reading and give up.

- Kat
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Old 10-17-2009, 08:04 PM
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Default Re: The Dark Secrets of the Orb of Invincibility

Just a nitpick, your translating is practicallyrandom letters. If I may, you should adopt a reverse alphabet cipher system. A=z, b=y, c=x, and vice versa and so on.
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Old 10-17-2009, 11:08 PM
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Default Re: The Dark Secrets of the Orb of Invincibility

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Originally Posted by Lusitania View Post
Just a nitpick, your translating is practicallyrandom letters. If I may, you should adopt a reverse alphabet cipher system. A=z, b=y, c=x, and vice versa and so on.
But where's the fun in that? And P-Kat? I'm fixing my chapter to do that, kay? In the future, I'll try to do more English dialogue.
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Old 10-18-2009, 12:05 AM
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Default Re: The Dark Secrets of the Orb of Invincibility

Because then some words may change in different translations. For example, if one character says "Arktu! Hez do sou" translated as 'Ugh! You are foul,' or something, and later have the same thing be "Hilto! Maro do kello" then there's some problems in the translation. Have you got all of these words on a translated document saved on your computer/a paper in real life/something you can check and modify frequently?
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Old 10-20-2009, 10:26 PM
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Default Re: The Dark Secrets of the Orb of Invincibility

No. But I usually copy the words from my first chapters and use 'em later. Chapter 3 is almost finished.

EDIT: Chapter 3! Is up!

Chapter 3

Liam crouched with a snarl. Tygruti howled and his tail flame grew bright and flared. Cryst raised an eyebrow.
“You are Libshomin Jistno Crsy?” Liam hissed.
“Yeah, yeah, blame my father,” she sighed.
“Who is your father?” Tygruti asked.
“Libshomin Lasrdi Wyrvt Jistno. Why?” Cryst replied. Tygruti and Liam exchanged looks.
“No reason,” Liam purred. “Come with us. We’re on a quest. I’ll get you started.” He escorted Cryst behind a large oak before pouncing on her and pinning her down. A low growl rolled through his throat.
“Cryst, names are very powerful. Never tell anyone your Primal Crystalline name. Or…”
“Or what?” Cryst scoffed.
“Libshomin Jistno Crsy Flarsi!” Liam hissed. Cryst felt like she was being burned on the stake. She screamed.
“Libshomin Jistno Crsy Hireh!” Liam yelled. Cryst felt better. She glared at him.
“Thrysta!” she yelled. Liam gave a choked yelp as a force thrust on his windpipe and sent him flying.
“You are unnaturally strong, newling. I’ve never seen anything like you in my 234 years,” Liam stated.
“How old are you?” Cryst whispered, back turned towards Liam.
“20.”
“18.”
“How did it happen?” Liam asked.
Cryst let a flow of images come through her mind. Liam let out a shocked hiss as he read the flow of images.
“What is your quest, Liam?” she asked.
“To find the 13 Orbs,” he replied. Cryst looked up and was surprised at how serene she felt looking into his beautiful eyes that seemed endless.

Tygruti chanted a Flame Shi march as the three paced along the beaten path.
“We can defeat, defeat all enemies…” Tygruti sang.
“We can destroy, win all lives!” Cryst finished, surprised that she knew the verse.
“Shimasj Lustra Staryisch,” Liam prayed.
“What does that mean?” Cryst asked.
“Lord Titan, give us luck.”
“When do we get there? Tygruti whined.
Cryst sighed.
“Crynsali!” she growled. Tygruti opened his mouth to yell something but nothing came out. Liam paused.
“I smell someone nearby,” he said. “A vampire Flareon. Not quite alive. But… half dead.”
“Show yourself, child. What’s your name?” Cryst called.
“Hystera Lyinstsha!” a voice hissed. A pure white Flareon appeared, her eyes like glowing embers. A throaty growl was in her throat. She flitted behind Cryst. A human strode up. He was handsome, with long, fiery red hair. His eyes had an odd glimmer. He was smiling oddly.
“Come with me,” he said. He brought them to a clearing on a cliff. They could see the ocean. An odd strain of pipe music entranced Tygruti and Liam. A low hiss made Cryst spin. The human’s eyes began to glow. His body shifted. His bared teeth turned into bared fangs. Fur erupted over his body. Claws shot out of the new paws. His features shifted into those of a wolf. A white skull with flames in the eye sockets appeared on his chest. A long scar ran up his flank. He was a Mightyena, with his shock of red hair still there. A low growl was building in his throat.
“Liam! Tygruti! Shrvnevili, guys, watch your backs!” Cryst swore. Too late. The Mightyena pounced at Tygruti. Cryst dove in front. Mightyena’s claws sank into her throat.

Liam heard a strangled gurgle, but the pipe music held him captivated. But, he turned anyways. He saw Cryst lying there fighting a Mightyena with a flaming red mane of hair. Cryst was bleeding all the while, blood gushing from where the Mightyena had torn her throat out. Her white fur was stained with crimson. She used her vampire fangs to latch onto Mightyena’s chest, to the right of the skull. Her vampiric instincts began her blood-sucking. Mightyena forced her off, and the Mightyena’s white blood began to flow. Cryst was weakening from her throat being torn out. Liam latched onto the Mightyena’s left flank and the white blood flowed into Liam. It seemed to be poisonous! Liam spat it out. Cryst was barely stirring. Mightyena bared his fangs in a grin. He tapped his skull and he vaporized.


COMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEENTSSSSSSSS! And I edited the second chapter. Second and final chapter 2.

Chapter 2

Cryst spotted a shadow moving in the trees, also snow-white. It had beautiful eyes, an icy lavender color. She dashed at it. It dodged and a light, tinkling laugh filled Cryst’s mind. The laugh turned into an ear-shattering screech as a burst of flame shot past Cryst.
“Shrvnevili!” Cryst cursed in Primal Crystalline language. Nearby, she heard the same curse uttered in a warm, velvety male voice.
“Shrvnevili! A Flame Shi!” the voice cursed.
Cryst spotted a creepy looking Persian-Raikou fusion standing there. A low rumble was in its throat.
“Hrengfu!” Cryst hissed. The thing shot a fireblast at her and in return, she shot a Crystalline Aeroblast at it. It yelped.
“Klyung! Hmuryst Gda Iuyvt Hjyur Sdwra Dsa Hjyur!(Freeze! Peaceful meanings, youngling!)” the Flame Shi yelled in Shinian. “Liam shni grsa! (Liam has granted me passage!)”
“Hjyur?” Cryst hissed, puzzled. “Shrimn Lgre Tyursw Hjyur?! Liam Shrvnevili Hgertsjk? (Youngling? You dare call me youngling?! And who in shrvnevili is Liam?)” she asked, surprised she knew Shinian. The Flame Shi hesitated.
“Tygruti! Liam Shaxzr jiuncx dbli zjuni! (Tygruti! Liam is here, d*mn dog!)” the warm voice barked. A handsome Mightyena appeared, with a warm smile. One glance and a hiss spit out of her throat as Cryst back-flipped away from him. His face was ravaged by a crescent scar going from the corner of his right eye down to the corner of his lip. It screamed dangerous.
“Staryisch Makgdy Jhhysjd Agsck Mightyebg?! (Who are you, beautiful dog?)” Cryst barked.
“Myschga Hfhre ghtil avef Liam (My name is Liam, newling),” the Mightyena smirked. The Flame Shi smiled.
“Yiubd hsdgb ghsf dysh staryisch, yiubd sdfbiy kjluh ased ads yiubdfers, Crsde! (If you want to see beautiful, look at yourself, Crystal Child)” he said shyly.
“Err…” she replied, unable to think of something.
“Name?” Liam asked. Cryst decided to not give her real name and stated her Primal Crystalline name.
“Libshomin Jistno Crsy. Crystal of Death Blood.”


COOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMEEEEEEEENNNNNNNTSSSSSSS! GUEST STARS!

EDIT: 500thPOST!!!!!!
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  #12  
Old 10-25-2009, 10:22 PM
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Default Re: The Dark Secrets of the Orb of Invincibility

Nice fic, DR. Remember that story preview? The "ancient launguage" is actually english, with transposed vowels (A=e, e=i, i=o, o=u, u=y, y=a), but your Crystal launguage, I think, could use a letter transpose code, like mine.
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Old 10-25-2009, 10:24 PM
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Default Re: The Dark Secrets of the Orb of Invincibility

*sigh* OMG! I'M ONLY USING THAT LANGUAGE IN NAMES NOW!
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Old 10-25-2009, 10:40 PM
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Default Re: The Dark Secrets of the Orb of Invincibility

Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkraiRaider View Post
*sigh* OMG! I'M ONLY USING THAT LANGUAGE IN NAMES NOW!
Oh, sorry. What short chapters you have! Is that better to bore captivate me?
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Old 10-26-2009, 12:43 AM
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Default Re: The Dark Secrets of the Orb of Invincibility

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Originally Posted by Mawile_rocks2 View Post
Oh, sorry. What short chapters you have! Is that better to bore captivate me?
To bore you?
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