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  #31  
Old 10-06-2009, 10:14 PM
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Default Re: The Canalave Library: Historian's Corner

Oh, sorry. I was off on vacation, and couldn't connect to the internet much. Then when I got home, something was wrong with the internet tower, and now I do believe Its all fixed.

Okay, checking for Typos . . . Hmm . . .

Quote:
Smeargle, however, was proud with his ideas, and when he was supposed to paint apples black to represent Darkrai’s powers, he painted them red for his rage. He tricked Arceus into believing this was Darkrai’s color, and that Darkrai’s anger cursed him, so that is why the dark Pokemon lives in exile.
All righty, these two sentances are a bit . . . long. I suggest cutting them up a bit and destroying commas. Perhaps you could say, "Smeargle, however, was proud with his ideas." Then cut it off here. Making this sentance short creates a blunt statement that would draw interest from your readers. Then, start off the next one like, "When he was suppose to paint apples black to represent Darkrai, he painted them red for his rage." End it like that. (Also, you might want to use the word "rebellion" instead of rage)

Quote:
He tricked Arceus into believing this was Darkrai’s color, and that Darkrai’s anger cursed him, so that is why the dark Pokemon lives in exile.
Uh . . . I got confused at this sentance. Perhaps you should switch the words around a bit, yes? I think I get what you're trying to say, so perhaps this might be a good revision: "Darkrai was angered by Smeargle's arrogance, but the painter Pokemon cleverly fooled Arceus into believing the blame was on the Dark Pokemon. Before Darkrai could get his revenge, Arcues banished him into exile." However, you can word it how you like. ^^

Quote:
However, Smeargle did get punished for something. The color of Pokemon.
Hmm, this wee paragraph is just a little weak. I like how you created a new one like this, then a newer one under it. It's a good style technique. But perhaps you could use different wording. "However, there was one day when Smeargle finally got in trouble for his rebellion: The color of Pokemon." Note: However you decide to reword this, the colon ":" should be placed before you say "The color of Pokemon"

Quote:
One day, Smeargle was painting a Pikachu, when a thought came to him.

“I will paint this creature orange, not yellow. Orange suits him.”

And thus, Smeargle painted the Pikachu orange.

Now, the Pikachu met it’s fellows, and showed it’s orange sheen, saying that Smeargle had showed him his source of color, Azelf’s legendary lake, and if touched, you would become the color you pleased.
First part was great! I liked the ideas going on there. However, I got confused during the last part. What does Azelf's lake have to do with anything? Smeargle is the one responible for doing all the painting, isn't he? I don't see why the water of the lake would change the colors of Pokemon, unless Smeargle lied to the Pikachu. Hmm, my one suggestion would be to drop out this part with Azelf completely, or go into detail about how Smeargle was lying.

If you drop out the part with Azelf, then perhaps the plot would flow better if it went like this: the Orange Pikachu went about showing off his fur. All of his friends would become jealous of its coat, then they began to demand Smeargle to paint them differently as well. Being self-centered, proud, and rebellious, the Smeargle would refuse to do it. From there, it could be said that a single Pokemon went and complained to Arceus about Smeargle's doings. Arceus would still get upset, and come down to punish him. I like the ideas behind Smeargle's punishments. But because of the demands of the Pokemon, Arceus should force him to paint one of every species special colors. This would fufill the answer to the original question (How did Pokemon get Shiny?). Afterwards, the Smeargle's powers would be taken away.

However, this is completely your story. These are only suggestions I've given you, and don't feel obligated to go with them. ^^

Quote:
The rumor spread, and when Smeargle awoke the next day, found a large croud of Pokemon in front of him.
It would be good to take out that comma and put "he" instead. This will make a complex sentance, I believe, meaning that there's a dependant and independant clause put together to make a complete sentance.

Quote:
“I am disappointed in you, Smeargle!” Arceus roared, “From now on, only the first few Pokemon will be the color they chose, and you can no longer paint the flowers and the trees and the oceans! You will live on, forced to copy other’s abilities, and have none of your own!”
Oh dear. Someone's upset. I'm glad I'm not Smeargle. Anywho, the comma I bolded needs to be changed into a period. Only use a comma if you're continuing a sentance. "I'm disappointed in you, Smeargle!" was a complete sentance, so there's no need for a comma there.


Some other suggestions I will give is to cut down on comma use, and rearrange sentance wording. I noticed that you like to use . . . What are they called? Appositives? Well, its when you interrupt a sentance with a clause set apart by commas to give extra explanation. Such as, look here, this sentence I just used. You might want to cut down on those, as well. I don't catch spelling errors easily, so I can't really help you there. I didn't catch any, but that's just me.

Overall, I really the concepts behind this story. Smeargle painting everything? Awesome. ^^ It was really short, however, but with some more work it will be great.

Before you go post this in the library, revise it a bit. Then if you feel like it, repost it here and we'll gladly give you any more help. ^^

Thanks!
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  #32  
Old 11-04-2009, 01:13 AM
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Default Re: The Canalave Library: Historian's Corner

Quote:
Originally Posted by riolu42 View Post

From that day on, Smeargle and all of his descendants only know Sketch, and only a few Pokemon are of a different color.
I think this might be misunderstood. See, the way you say it, it seems that only a few Pokémon species can be shiny. You could've written it: "And from that day on, Pokémon of a different color have been very rare." Also, Pokémon that are one-of-a-kind (legendaires, some gift ones, starters) can be shiny.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Charmander009 View Post
Okay, just slow down a bit, M_R. It might be time for you to re-read the rules. Stand back a bit, please, and allow other writers to post thier stories. Go back and fix up your other stories. It seems to me that you're not quite taking as much time on them as you should. They're still pretty good. I understand that you're using Notepad, but you should make sure that it still copies over to this format good. Besides, Xatu was in my story and I kinda explained a little about him. If you read mine, you'll see that I said that he sees things because he stares into the sun.
Sorry... my av usually affects my mood.
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  #33  
Old 11-27-2009, 11:10 PM
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Default Re: The Canalave Library: Historian's Corner

Can I do: How Lucario got its Aura?
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  #34  
Old 12-04-2009, 02:49 AM
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Default Re: The Canalave Library: Historian's Corner

Not sure if this is still going on, but I would like to claim something. How about the story of Butterfree and Venomoth? It's stemmed from the facct that it looks like Butterfree would evolve from Venonat and Venomoth from Caterpie/Metapod.
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  #35  
Old 12-04-2009, 03:57 AM
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Default Re: The Canalave Library: Historian's Corner

Well, if people are interested, I think we can revive this. I'll check with a mod, first, but I'll reserve your idea Missingno. But KantoBreeder... every living thing has an aura. Aura is the energy that all life emenates. I don't see how your concept could work. You could write a story on how Lucario got its powers.
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  #36  
Old 12-04-2009, 08:02 PM
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Default Re: The Canalave Library: Historian's Corner

Sorry that's what I meant
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  #37  
Old 12-09-2009, 01:43 AM
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Default Re: The Canalave Library: Historian's Corner

Please note that, since I wrote this over a period of a couple days, I had differing levels of imagination and such. I'll post it here for critique

Quote:
Originally Posted by a storybook
How Venemoth and Butterfree came to be

Back in the days of yore, when there were still very few Pokemon, there lived in a forest a small green and tan female caterpillar with a small red antenna on its head named Caterpie. There was also a somewhat larger, purple, hairy, bug-like, male creature with two feet, and two white antennae named Venonat. These two were the best of friends, and played together ever day. Venonat's parents, two beautiful butterflies named Bulee and Bulo. Caterpie's parents were two less-than-attractive moths named Vena and Veno. The parents were also friends of each other, and the two families spent much time together.

One day, though Caterpie had promised to come out to play, Venonat couldn't find her anywhere! "Caterpie," He called into the trees and brush, "Where did you go? You promised you would play today!"

A quiet reply came from deep within the brush. "I know I did, Venonat, but...," said the voice in the bush, which sounded somewhat depressed. "I can't right now."

"Why not?" Venonat asked as she started looking through a small bush, "It's not like it could be impossible for you to move right now."

"Actually...I can't...Literally," Caterpie said to her friend. Venonat soon found out why Caterpie couldn't move.

"You, you're different!" He called to "Caterpie," who was now much different. More stiff, and had less features than before. "What happened to you?"

"I don't know." The former caterpillar said sadly. "All of a sudden, I just somehow changed. My mom and dad said it was called evolution, and that I am now a Metapod. They also said that I would one day be like them, but..."

"But what?" The Venonat interrupted, What could possibly be bad?"

"Well..." The Metapod said quietly, "I don't want to look like my parents. I want to be beautiful one day, like your parents."

Hearing this, Venonat decided to go somewhere he knnew he would be able to ask for help. When he told his parents, they said that there was a cave far to the east that if you were to travel deep inside and make a wish, it would be granted. Hearing this, and wanting to help his friend, he decided to travel there, hoping that the story was true.

Arriving at a cave, Venonat went inside. After travelling to the end, he met a new Pokemon "Hello," it said, "my name is Jirachi. Since you have bravely made it through this cave, I will grant you one, and only one, wish. Choose carefully."

"Um..." Venonat uttered, "Well, I have this friend...Cater...er...Metapod, and she isn't happy with what she will evolve into. So I was wondering...could you maybe switch what we evolve into?"

"A kindhearted request," Jirachi announced, If you are sure that is what you wnt, then your wish is now granted."

Venonat then lefft the cave. Soon after, both he and Metapod evolved. However, they looked like each other's parents, and all after them.
I hope it's good...*Has no self-esteem when it comes to writing*
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Last edited by Missingno_7-4468; 12-14-2009 at 05:51 AM.
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  #38  
Old 12-09-2009, 07:23 PM
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Default Re: The Canalave Library: Historian's Corner

Okay, I'll look over it soon. I've been uber busy lately, but no worries!

EDIT: Yesh, I've got it!

What an adorable story, Missingno! It will be a lovely addition to the library! Er, which I still haven't asked about. ^^'

Some quick typos:

Quote:
"Actually...I can't...Literally" Caterpie said to her friend. Venonat soon found out why Caterpie couldn't move.
You need a comma after Literally.

Quote:
A quiet reply came from deep within the brush, "I know I did, Venonat, but..." said the voice in the bush, which sounded somewhat depressed, "I can't right now."
Oops, forgot this one: Might want to change the first comma there into a period, then put a comma after "but...", then change the comma after "depressed" into a period.

Other than those two things, I think you've got it! Great job!
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Last edited by Charmander009; 12-13-2009 at 04:36 AM.
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  #39  
Old 12-13-2009, 10:36 PM
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Default Re: The Canalave Library: Historian's Corner

I fixed those things. Something funny is after I claimed it, I was all "Wait...how do I do this?" Yeah, I was lost for a moment...
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  #40  
Old 12-17-2009, 07:39 PM
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Default Re: The Canalave Library: Historian's Corner

Okay, we got the go-ahead to post in the Library. You can add your story now, Missingno! ^^
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  #41  
Old 12-30-2009, 09:48 PM
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Default Re: The Canalave Library: Historian's Corner

Ugh, so sorry, I saw this thread. Went away, pondered, then saw the other thread and posted there. My mistake.

Can I do: How Eevee Evolved Into Espeon and Umbreon?
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  #42  
Old 12-31-2009, 02:52 AM
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Default Re: The Canalave Library: Historian's Corner

Well, be sure to read more thoroughly next time. ^^

Anywho, reserved.
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  #43  
Old 01-07-2010, 04:58 PM
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Default Re: The Canalave Library: Historian's Corner

Can I do why Ditto transforms and How Pichu became Electric?

~Elecii
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  #44  
Old 01-08-2010, 01:27 AM
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Default Re: The Canalave Library: Historian's Corner

Of course! *is to lazy to change the first post, but keeps the reserve in mind*
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  #45  
Old 01-08-2010, 03:53 PM
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Default Re: The Canalave Library: Historian's Corner

I got the ditto one done, here it is.

Quote:
Why Ditto transforms

One day a purple jelly Pokemon was making its way through a forest. It’s name was Ditto. It had no special attacks, it was a Pokemon that only knew Tackle, but couldn’t perform the move well, because of its jelly-like body. All the Pokemon made fun of him. So, he decided to talk to Arceus. He spent hours and hours travelling the regions. After two weeks he was worn out. He had made it from his home in Kanto all the way to Mount Coronet in Sinnoh, which was an accomplishment for a jelly Pokemon. “Arceus,” He spoke. “Please change me, I don’t like how I am a Pokemon who does nothing.”

Arceus didn’t reply.

Ditto waited. He waited a little longer. “Please.” He said.

“No.” Arceus said. “I cannot change the way you were created. You cannot change, and that is final.”

“But I want to.” He cried.

“One more word and I will make your attack worse.”

“Please.” He cried again.

Arceus growled and absorbed light into his body and fired it at Ditto. Ditto felt all tingly. He stared at Arceus, they were now at eye level.

“How by Mew?” Arceus said, staring at the clone of him.

“Well, I’ll be off then.” Ditto said, not realising he was an Arceus clone. He walked back through the regions for weeks.

When he got back all the Pokemon cried, “Holy Arceus.” And bowed to him. Why were they all so small. He continued walking then felt the weird tingling feeling again and was much smaller. All the Pokemon stared. Ditto looked at them then decided to try out this ‘bad move’ Arceus gave him. He charged at a nearby Turtwig and then felt all tingly. All the Pokemon stared again. No-one spoke for a little while, until one Pokemon said. “How by Mew are you a Turtwig?”

“I’m not a Turtwig.” Ditto said looking down at his feet – wait, he didn’t have feet. “Holy Arceus.” He said. “Wow, this move is so much better than Tackle!”

And from that day on, Ditto was more respected.
~Elecii
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Last edited by Elecii; 01-08-2010 at 07:16 PM.
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