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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 08-28-2009, 01:09 AM
Brit134444 Offline
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 370
Talking Get Fancy!

This is a Short-Story written by moi! I hope you enjoy it! For all you graders, I need a Miltank! Alright, here it goes....

Get Fancy!

Part 1-The Trouble With Lady Ballington!


The sky was just starting to turn a pale, salmon pink as thirteen year-old boy Benjamin Higgleson came out of the misty, dark woods of Eterna Forest. Benjamin, or Ben as most people called him, was like most Poke'mon Trainers; he had left home at about 11, and was traveling the Sinnoh Region to try to become the next Poke'mon League Champion. Ben had a short figure, yet he was in good shape. He had curly blond hair that fell to his shoulders, and bright blue eyes that held a serious, yet happy look. His white turtleneck sweater was embroidered with a green, diamond-like design. His green backpack hung off his thin figure. He wore bright red pants, and slick brown dress shoes. He always tried his best to look put together and classy. He was also extremely pale.

He held in his hands his first Poke'mon, a male Cleffa. The Poke'mon looked quite like a star that had come to life. It was extremely tiny, with a pink color and tiny arms and legs. Cleffa wore a cute expression on it's face and had brown coloring on the ends of it's pointy ears.

All around him were dark and forbidding trees, near behind him and far away on the sides. The only place where there were no trees was in front of him. He was nervous as he walked for he wanted to make it to Eterna before getting attacked by some hungry Arbok or Golbat that was looking out for unsuspecting prey at night.

"Don't worry Cleffa, we'll be in Eterna City soon!" said Ben as he patted the Starshape Poke'mon's tiny head. "Cleffa, fa!" replied Cleffa as it snuggled next to it's Trainer warm sweater. "You are just the single cutest Poke'mon I have ever seen!" said Ben to Cleffa, "I hope one day you and me will make all of our dreams come true!"

Now, the duo had walked out of sight of Eterna Forest, and the pink sky had now become a deep purple and tiny stars were starting to dot the horizon. Cleffa looked up at the stars and started giggling merrily, the Poke’mon was, of course, a Cleffa, and Cleffa were predicted to have fallen from the stars. Ben thought this was only natural since the stars and Cleffas were both related.
“Cleffa, fa, fa, Cleffa, Cle!” Cleffa sang happily as the duo stepped down the dirt road to Eterna.

“When we get to Eterna City, we can get you well rested at a Poke’mon Center!” said Ben cheerfully. Cleffa squeaked in delight. “Hey, Cleffa, do you see that thing in the distance behind us?” Asked Ben as he turned and squinted his eyes to try to peer through the dark at a peculiar shape in the distance. “Cle, FA!” cried Cleffa as it hid as well as it could in it’s Trainer’s skinny arms.

Now, as the two got closer to the figure, they could see that the figure was coming closer to them, as well. It looked like two giant, bright yellow eyes that were peering right through the darkness of the night to see the teen Trainer and his tiny, pink Poke’mon. Ben was now becoming very nervous, Cleffa was a good fighter, but he WAS just a baby, and Ben wondered if a dangerous Poke’mon was what belonged to those two yellow eyes.

As the yellow eyes got closer and closer, Cleffa was getting more and more frightened. Now the two gleaming eyes were extremely close, and Ben’s palms were sweating like mad. Ben stopped. He dared not move a step closer until he found out what this thing was. The yellow eyes were now only 10 feet away, and Ben started to tremble, and so did Cleffa. They could now clearly see what the thing was. It was a car, an old-fashioned, long, black, car.

“So, now I just need to find out just who is in the car.” thought Ben to himself. It seemed just as he thought this, that one of the doors of the car swung open, and an old man stepped out of the car. He was very tall and lanky, with a black suit and bow tie. He wore matching black shoes and white gloves. His eyes were a grey color, and he had a very bushy white mustache. Ben knew at once, that this, was a butler.

“Would you mind getting out of the way?” said the Butler in a low, deep toned voice, “I must get my mistress to her destination and I will not have uncouth little boys and there weak Poke’mon holding up the road!” suddenly, there came a voice from inside the car. “What IS the holdup, Harold?! I must get to my party in Eterna soon and I simply WILL NOT be late, I AM the special guest there, you know!” the voice was a kind of sing-song pitched sound. “Yes, milady, I know, you must excuse me, this horrible little guttersnipe of a boy does not want to move off the road!” said the butler {whose name was indeed Harold} in an irritated kind of voice. Ben was deeply insulted, “I will be glad to move off the road if you will stop insulting me, sir!” he said very angrily. The moment he had said this, the person who had been in the car all this time got out of the black vehicle.

It was an extremely fat woman with fat arms and legs who wore a tight red business jacket and a matching red business skirt. Her hair was blond and put up into a very tall beehive style. She looked to be about 50 and had a sour look on her face and wrinkled, chubby cheeks. She glared at Ben and said to him in an irritated voice, “well, of all the horrible, uncouth, rude, and terrible little children I have ever seen, YOU are by far the WORST I have ever seen!” she said this as she hobbled over to Ben and peered into his face.

Ben was fed up, he looked right into the fat woman’s face and said, “Well, of all the horrible, uncouth, rude, and terrible LADIES I have ever seen, you are by far the worst I have ever seen! I also challenge you to a Battle so we can see who really is being rude!” “WELL!” said the fat lady, “I accept, even though I shall be late for my party in Eterna! Harold! You shall be our referee!”

The fat woman, whose name was Lady Ballington, stood at the front of her car as Ben stood about 12 feet away from her. Harold stood in the middle but backed up a few steps so he could ref. the Battle properly. “One-on-one Battle! Each trainer will use one Poke’mon! The winner is announced one of the Poke’mon faint.” declared Harold, “ready, set, GO!” both Trainers quickly got into place as they sent out there Poke’mon. “Cleffa, go, you can do it!” said Ben as Cleffa bounded out of his hands and onto the dirt path that was the two Trainers only available Stadium. Now, Lady Ballington had only to send out her Poke’mon, she took out a polished Luxury Ball that hung from her skirt and tossed it high into the dark sky. The Luxury Ball landed on the car light lit ground as she called out, “Miltank, sweetheart, I choose you!” the ball opened and the Poke’mon came out.

Miltank suddenly now stood where the fancy Luxury Ball had once been. She {for all Miltanks are female} looked very much like a cow, with a chubby, pink body that had black spots on the back, and stout arms and legs with black hoofs for hands and feet. Miltank also had a sort of black “hood” on her head down to her neck that was actually part of her. Her face was pink like her body and she a bright blue eyes and a little black nose. The Milk Cow Poke’mon had tiny white horns on top of her head and black ears with yellow coloring inside them. A cream-yellow circle was on her stomach and four pink udders stuck out from it. Finally, Miltank had a long, yellow tail with a black ball on the end.

“Now, I shall take you down!” called Lady Ballington as she commanded the first Move, “Miltank, hon, use Captivate!” the Milk Cow Poke’mon spun around in the air then shot out a blast of pink hearts as it fluttered it’s eyelashes in cute fashion. The hearts fell down on Cleffa and surrounded it. Cleffa was spinning around as the hearts closed in on it. The hearts then popped and Cleffa was sitting on the ground. “Alright, you had your turn, now it’s mine!” shouted Ben to Lady Ballington as he ordered Cleffa’s Move, “Cleffa, use Magical Leaf!” Cleffa got up, raised it’s hands in the air and shouted “cle, FA!” a shower of rainbow colored leaves flew up into the and shot through the air at Miltank.

“Miltank, Defense Curl!” shouted Lady Ballington to Miltank. “Milllllll, TANK!” cried Miltank as it tucked up into a tight little ball. The Magical Leaf Attack came raining down on Miltank as it rolled backwards with the shock of being hit. “MILTANK!” it came back to it’s senses as it awaited it’s Trainers orders. “Miltank, Gyro Ball, now!” cried Lady Ballington. Miltank suddenly jumped up into the air and landed with a thud as it now became a rolling ball of a shining silver color. It rolled vigorously into Cleffa as Cleffa flew backwards with a cry. “Cleffa, you have to get up!” cried Ben, “look out! It’s coming from behind you!” Cleffa leaped into the air with tremendous power and dodged the Gyro Ball that was so narrowly avoided. “Good job, Cleffa!” shouted Ben to his Poke’mon as he made his next order, “Cleffa, Sweet Kiss!” Cleffa jumped closer to Miltank and shot from it’s mouth what seemed to be a little, white, angelic figure. Miltank did not need to be ordered to dodge, she quickly jumped out of the way of the angelic figure and waited for the next Move.


“Good show, Miltank!” said Lady Ballington as she shouted, “Miltank, use Attract!” Miltank knew what to do, she put one hand on her hip and batted her eyelashes furiously. A rain of pink hearts pounded down on Cleffa as it stared admiringly at Miltank. “Cleffa, Cleffa wake up!” cried Ben. “Oh, there is no use trying to wake it up!” shouted Lady Ballington to Ben, “you might as well just give up! You simply CANNOT stop the power of love! Miltank, now’s our chance! Gyro Ball!” Miltank again jumped in the air and turned into a ball of silver, then, slammed, again and again into Miltank. “Cleffa, come on!” cried Ben, “Wake up!” But it was no use.

“Oh, Miltank!” cried Lady Ballington, “You’re doing absolutely SMASHING!” Miltank was now repeatedly slamming into Cleffa and damaging it horribly. “Cleffa, come on, please, I believe you can!” cried Ben. Cleffa suddenly snapped to it’s senses. “Yes!” shouted Ben, “now we’re cooking! Cleffa, use Magical Leaf!” Cleffa again lifted a shower of rainbow leaves into the air and pounded Miltank with them. “MILLLLLLL!” screamed Miltank as it was thrown backwards onto the dirt path. It tried to get up but failed and tripped and fell onto the rock-covered ground. “Miltank, sweetheart, you have to get up!” cried Lady Ballington in an uneasy voice. “You know what will happen if you lose!”

Miltank tried to stagger to it’s feet and stumbled again, but a second try had it on it’s feet again as it brushed off rainbow leaves from it‘s fat stomach. “That’s my girl!” shouted Lady Ballington, “now, hurry and use Stomp!” Miltank bounded into the air and suddenly flew at Cleffa. “Cleffa, dodge and use Sweet Kiss!” cried Ben quickly. Miltank stuck out both of her feet {or hooves} and made an attempt to smash Cleffa. But Cleffa was faster, he slid slightly backwards just as Miltank came down on the ground with a loud thump. Now was Cleffa’s chance, he again blew from his mouth a white angelic figure that started after Miltank.

“Miltank, dodge!” shouted Lady Ballington, Miltank stepped to one side as the angelic figure came floating towards her. But the angelic figure came after Miltank, chasing it around and around the dirt path until it caught up to her and smashed into her. Miltank instantly started swaying and turning around in a dizzy fashion. “Mil, Mil, Mil, Mil!” it cried as it’s eyes boggled this way and that. “Now, Cleffa, use Pound!” cried Ben. Cleffa jumped into the air slightly and slammed into Miltank with tremendous power. Miltank still could not regain it’s senses as it was hurled back onto the road. “Good job, Cleffa!” shouted Ben to his Baby Poke’mon as Cleffa jumped with happiness.

“It’s time to stop fooling around!” cried Lady Ballington as Miltank got up and tottered around like a Spinda. “Miltank, Thunder Punch!” Miltank, still Confused, made a fist and swung limply at Cleffa. But Cleffa did not need to dodge this time, Miltank was so Confused that it’s fist swung right into it’s own face and smacked it hard. A huge bolt of lightning came down from the sky as Miltank punched itself and made it jolt backwards.

Miltank fell to the ground with a thud and lay still for a few moments before making an attempt to get back up. It pushed itself back onto it’s feet but tumbled down again and lay completely motionless.

END OF PART 1!!!!

Last edited by Brit134444; 09-11-2009 at 02:36 PM.
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  #2  
Old 08-28-2009, 01:19 PM
Brit134444 Offline
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Default Re: Get Fancy!

Please Grade this! I am ready for it!
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  #3  
Old 08-29-2009, 02:38 AM
Brit134444 Offline
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Default Re: Get Fancy!

Get Fancy!

Part 2- A Miltank Saved!

“Miltank is, *gulp*, unable to Battle!” cried Harold unhappily, “Ben and Cleffa are the, uh, winners!” Lady Ballington called Miltank back into it’s Luxury Ball, turned around, stamped back to her car, and slammed the door with all of her might. Harold followed close behind and drove the car out of sight. Ben and Cleffa jumped out of the way just in time.

As Ben and Cleffa watched the car drive out of sight towards Eterna, they both heard Lady Ballington’s voice calling, “YOU GUTTERSNIPES! I’LL BE BACK!” both Ben and Cleffa looked at each other, giggled, and started walking down the dirt path to Eterna City. As they got closer to the city lights of Eterna, Cleffa looked up into the night sky, and giggled merrily.

Now, they could plainly see Eterna City, with it’s bright, dazzling lights. Cleffa and Ben’s hopes both soared as Ben thought of a warm bed, and Cleffa thought of a welcoming Poke’mon Center. “You see, Cleffa, I knew we would get to Eterna soon enough!” cried Ben, “only we would have gotten here earlier if it weren’t for that pompous Lady Ballington!” he looked ahead towards Eterna where the car had sped off after Lady Ballington and her Miltank had lost to Ben and his Cleffa.

After walking for about 10 minutes more, the duo arrived at the beautiful Eterna City. The two marveled at the tall buildings and the many people. It was a small city, but it was enough, there was a Gym where the Leader Gardenia, the Grass-Type master, trained, many tall buildings and also small ones. The City also had a Poke’mon Center and a Poke’mon Mart. There was a small Bike Shop with many shiny bikes lined up outside. There was, even, a large gold statue of the Legendary Poke’mon, Palkia. A menacing, dark building cast it’s shadow in the north part of Eterna, this was one of the many secret hideouts of the sinister Team Galactic before they had disbanded.

“Wow!” said Ben as he walked casually around the city with his Cleffa, “this city is amazing!” the two then spotted something they had been waiting for, a Poke’mon Center. The duo almost exploded with excitement as they rushed into the Poke’mon Center. Inside they found one of the ever-present Nurses waiting at the counter. She was wearing a short white dress and had pink hair tied up into loops on each side of her head. Her shoes were white, too, and she had a small nurse hat with a red cross on her head. “Hello, my you’re out late, it’s 10 o’clock!” said the Nurse, “would you like me to heal you’re Poke’mon for?” Ben looked at her and smiled. “Yes, please.” he said politely. Ben pulled out a Poke’ Ball and said to Cleffa, “okay, I have to put you back into you’re Poke’ Ball for a minute, is that okay?” Cleffa smiled cutely and said “Cleffa, fa!” Ben held out the Poke’ Ball and clicked the button in the middle. Instantly, a red light shot out of the red and white device. It hit Cleffa and sucked it up into the Poke’ Ball.

“Okay!” said the Nurse, “I’ll have it feeling better in no time!” she took the Poke’ Ball from Ben and placed it into the large healing machine next to her. The machine was silver and was shaped like a giant rectangular block. It had six slots on top of it and Cleffa’s Poke’ ball was inside one of them. At the front of the machine was a giant red cross. The Nurse flipped a switch on the side of the machine and, as she did, it started to flash a brilliant white color. In about 5 seconds, the machine stopped flashing, and the Nurse gave the Poke’ Ball back to Ben. “Thank you!” said Ben as he received the Poke’ Ball from the Nurse. “Oh, anytime!” said the Nurse in a kind tone. Ben sent out Cleffa as it jumped up into the air with glee. The two were just about to ask about a room for the night when they saw a sight that took there breath away.

Two Nurses that looked exactly like the one at the counter came out of a door to the side of the room. They were both moving a white stretcher along the floor that had a sick-looking Poke’mon lying on top of it. The Poke’mon that WAS laying on top of it, however, was the thing that had taken there breath away. A very pale Miltank was curled up on top of the stretcher as it groaned a very faint “moo..moo..moo.” the sick Poke’mon was breathing very, very weakly.

“Excuse me, Nurses.” said Ben, “but, where did you find that Miltank?” the two Nurses looked at the Miltank, and then at Ben, “why, we just found it on the street a minute ago, we saw it sitting there with it’s hands hiding it’s face from all of the people.” Cleffa ran over to the stretcher and shook the Miltank, trying to wake it up. The Miltank weakly opened it’s eyes and muttered a faint “muh, moo.” the miltank was clearly very sick. “We are doing everything we can to save it,” said one of the two Nurses, “somebody must have left it there, you cannot find Miltank around Eterna.” Ben knew what he had to do.

“Um, can I possibly KEEP that Miltank?” said Ben as he looked into the sickly face of the Milk Cow Poke’mon. “Uh, sure, we were going to put it up for adoption.” said one of the Nurses, “so it’s all yours! Thank you for taking care of it!” Ben pulled out a spare Poke’ Ball and sucked in the Miltank. The Poke’ Ball twitched once, twice, and then three times as it captured the Miltank. Then Ben had it healed at the counter. “Since you were going to heal it anyways.” said Ben, “I decided to do the work for you girls!” he made an eloquent bow and headed out the door.

Outside, Ben threw the Poke’ Ball into the air and called out his new Miltank. The Miltank instantly ran up to Ben and gave him a hug, for it was now feeling much better. Ben hugged the Milk Cow Poke’mon as well, saying, “you poor dear!” he then asked Miltank the question he had been longing to know. “Did Lady Ballington leave you on the street?” he asked the Miltank. The Miltank bobbed it’s head in a sad sort of fashion. Ben then asked, “was it because you lost the Battle with me and Cleffa?” again Miltank bobbed it’s head up and down sadly. “Well, I’ll take good care of you!” said Ben cheerfully. The Miltank again hugged Ben.

The three now got a room in a nearby hotel and slept soundly. In the morning they got up, had breakfast, and went to go explore Eterna. They came back to the hotel at around 11 o’clock for lunch. But, as they neared the building, they saw a dreadful sight. A black, old-fashioned car was parked in the driveway of the hotel. Ben, Cleffa, and Miltank all rushed into the hotel lobby. Sure enough, there was the fat Lady Ballington, and her butler, Harold.

“HEY!” shouted Ben as soon as he saw them, “don’t think I don’t know what you did!” he, Cleffa and Miltank stood in front of her as she turned to face them. “SO!” she said in a surprised voice, “you guttersnipes are back! I see you have found my Miltank, well, no matter, after it lost to you I had no more interests in it, so, I threw it out onto the street where it belonged, and STILL belongs! The little wretch!” Ben was fuming and Miltank was ready to Gyro ball her into next week. “How could you even SAY that!” shouted Ben, “you heartless old brute! I see now that you are truly evil at mind AND heart! I should have known that as soon as you got bored with you’re Poke’mon, you were going to throw it out like yesterdays trash!”

“WELL!” screamed Lady Ballington, “you little BEAST! I think you need a lesson! Harold! You are the ref.!” they all walked outside as Harold muttered to himself about hating his job. When they got outside Lady Ballington said to Ben, “I bet you did not know that I have classier Poke’mon then THAT!” she pointed at Ben’s Miltank with a smug of satisfaction on her face. “I’ve had enough of this!” said Ben, “Miltank! Let’s show this old crone what you really are capable of!” Miltank needed no second bidding, she leaped onto the parking lot/battlefield and awaited Lady Ballington’s Move. “Let us begin, go, Togekiss!” she tossed a Luxury ball into the air and a large, white Poke’mon came fluttering out. It had a cute face with three large spikes on it’s head that had blue and red coloring. It had a round body with gigantic white wings on the sides and red and blue triangular shapes on it’s stomach. It’s feet were tiny and it had a bushy white tail. It was, also, a male. “Come on Miltank, Gyro ball!” said Ben. “Togekiss, Air Slash!” both Poke’mon flew at each other as the Battle commenced, a Poke’mon was saved….and a rivalry began….

THE END!!!! I would like a Miltank!!!! This is finished and ready to be Graded!!!!

Last edited by Brit134444; 08-29-2009 at 09:56 PM.
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  #4  
Old 08-29-2009, 04:32 PM
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Default Re: Get Fancy!

Reserved for grading like I promised - will give you your pass or non-capture in a few days.
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Old 09-06-2009, 02:10 PM
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Default Re: Get Fancy!

I’m guessing this is your first story here, so I’m going to be more lenient in this grade than I would for someone who had written a lot of stories for URPG. (I must say, I’m impressed by the fact that for your very first story you decided to go for a Hard-level mon!) Your second story’s grade will be slightly less relaxed than this, though, so bear that in mind when you write again. By the time you get to your third story, you will be graded just like any other Writer would be graded. J However, you shouldn’t let that worry you! It’s not a threat, I promise J


INTRO:

Your earliest part of the intro was relatively weak with regards to plot - trainer exiting forest, etc - but your description was very nice. I love the idea of ‘salmon pink’ - it’s a lot more original than some of the things we see here in URPG! You described Benjamin quite well. I was glad to see you described him as pale - too many times people tell us everything a character is wearing without even thinking about skin colour. I don’t personally mind if the character is black, white or pistachio green - I just want to be aware of the fact! Well done J

You also managed to bring in some background info on Benjamin - when he left home, what his ambitions were, etc. I also got a feel of his personality from the way he spoke to Cleffa - he seemed sensitive and kindly. There are two ways you could have put this across - through Ben’s words and actions, or through narration - ‘Ben was a sensitive and kindly boy.’ The first way is definitely better - think of the saying, “Actions speak louder than words.” You did this very well.

You did well bringing the plot in quickly - I was interested in the strange yellow ‘eyes’ and wanted to read on to find out more about them. It would have been interesting if you’d brought this in right at the start, but maybe then you wouldn’t have had time for all the description and background info that I just praised. You also brought in a little suspense with all the forbidding trees etc.

Positive Notes Good balance between story and description, with description being short and sweet with nice original phrases.

To Improve: Just continue all of this sort of stuff and maybe make your characters a little less atypical when it comes to appearance - blue eyes and blonde hair with a nice personality? At least give him some braces or something. (There’s nothing wrong with braces, I just mean you want to make your character a bit different from the usual URPG story characters that everyone comes up with. Plus, why wasn’t he muddy? I defy any kid to scramble through a forest without ripping his jeans or dirtying his face. Oh yeah - your comma usage wasn’t perfect, but there was nothing terrible about it.


PLOT:

Not the most unique of plots, I admit. I mean, the world is your oyster when it comes to story writing. You can do absolutely anything you want - and you chose a kid and his Cleffa annoying a snobby woman.

Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t a BAD plot - I liked it, actually. It was realistic and simple. I could imagine this being a Pokémon episode, you know! J It’s just somewhat…safe. It would have been nice to see you take a risk and put in a plot twist or something. There was nothing to stop you from making Lady Ballington turn out to be a famous thief disguised as a posh snob, for example.

On the other hand, it might not have been unique, but it wasn’t cliché. It’s not like he was chasing this Miltank through the forest, for example, which is what a newbie writer would usually come up with. It was an enjoyable plot with believable characters who drove the story, - as in their actions were the cause for the plot, not a natural disaster like an earthquake or something. (Nothing wrong with earthquake stories, but I do love it when it’s the characters who make a plot happen.)


Positive Notes: Tidy sort of story - interesting enough to be going on with, especially as it’s your first. Character-driven plot - very good. I liked how you hinted that Harold disliked Ballington when she demanded that he ref. That made me laugh a little.
To Improve: This was really more what I’d expect to see with a Medium story - that’s the level below. Miltank is a Hard capture, so I was looking for another twist in the plot. Like I said, disguised thief, hotel fire, blah blah blah.







Grammar/Spelling:


Spelling was OK - I’d say your main problem was the apostrophe. I’m not your English language tutor, but here’s a brief tutorial on how to use the apostrophe.

Possession when one person owns the item:
"Ben's Cleffa" is used to show "the Cleffa belonging to Ben".

BUT

When an item is said to belong to someone and that someone is referred to as a pronoun (it, he, she etc.), then an apostrophe is not used.

Quote:
The Miltank bobbed it’s head in a sad sort of fashion.
You don’t want this apostrophe because, like I said, you only put the apostrophe if there’s a NAME involved. If you said “Miltank’s head” then you would use the apostrophe because there is a name. You said “its head”. No name = no apostrophe.

OTHER TIMES TO USE THE APOSTROPHE:

Where letters are missing:
“Don't" is short for "do not", where the second "o" has been missed out of the saying. Therefore, you would only put an apostrophe in “its” if there

Follow these rules and you should be OK.

Your other issue is paragraphs. You start a new paragraph whenever there’s something different or a new person speaking. You did this pretty well, but when it came to battles you suddenly seemed to lose control. Go through and edit.




Detail/Description:

You’re good at using visual description, like the whole salmon pink thing and the description of the sky above the forest. I would like to see more senses used than just visual though - smell and touch are very important!

You could have described the way Cleffa’s fur felt under Ben’s hands. Was it soft like cotton wool, or rough and wiry? Also, what about seasons and weather? If it was autumn, you could say that the crisp, fallen autumn leaves cracked and crunched beneath Ben’s trainers. What about the smell of damp earth, or the stink of petrol from the car?

I would have also liked you to describe the surroundings more thoroughly. The forest was OK, but I couldn’t picture the hotel lobby or the car park. Large, small? High roof or did the chauffer have to stoop to get through the door? Little touches and flourishes are very important for rounding your story out as a whole.

Positive Notes: Great visuals. Smooth description. Described forest and used interesting alternative words with some atmospheric undertones e.g forbidding trees. Original in places.
To Improve: Remember the other senses. Imagine how you would have to describe things if Ben was blind - you’d concentrate on sounds and smells, wouldn’t you?



Length:

Only just long enough - but still, within the limits.


Battle:

(I’m considering your first battle as the capture battle, btw.)

This was fun and not at all cliché. I loved how you didn’t purely use offensive moves like Tackle or Stomp. I find it kind of difficult to believe Cleffa would have won, though. I mean, the Confusion made it more likely and possible, but it was still somewhat doubtful. Next time make sure it’s a bit more possible for you to win! Or even have to bring out a second Pokémon.

It was of adequate length, though - although I would have much preferred it to be longer. Plus your paragraphing had real issues - see the Grammar notes for more. All the same, it was original battle and I liked it.


Outcome: I’m not gonna mess around. MILTANK CAPTURED!
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