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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 01-31-2007, 07:08 PM
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Default Pokemon Battle Brawl Tornament

Chapter 1:The Tricky Dratini Pt 1

Ryan a pokemon trainer from Kanto is cruising around Shinou. Then a little envelope swooped down on his head. he opened up the envelope and it said:



Dear RYAN,
you have been welcomed to a tornament to one of the best well trained pokemon. We have been watching your battles lately. We are very impressed with your skills. All you need to do is follow the map right below. Bye! Hope to see you there.

Sincerely,----
The rest was smeared off
Ryan grabbed the map. He didn't even notice he was right in front of The dome area.

But.............

Two Gaurds came across him and asked for the pass.

"Oh...."Ryan said"here it is" The guards didn't even look at the pass

"We don't let people get in here with jusst a "pass"......"Said one of the guards

"We have to battle them to make sure you really got the invitation"The other guard said

"I see......"Ryan said"FINE! GOOOOO Aggron, Blaziken!"

To Be Continued
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Old 02-01-2007, 10:56 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon Battle Brawl Tornament

Quote:
Originally Posted by pokemaster202 View Post
Chapter 1:The Tricky Dratini Pt 1

Ryan a pokemon trainer from Kanto is cruising around Shinou. Then a little envelope swooped down on his head. he opened up the envelope and it said:
I'd be guessing that this is your first fic... Anyway. To cut to the chase, it's way to short. There virtually isn't any plot. I could MAYBE see this as being a prologue, but a chapter? No.

Also, you really shouldn't use sprites to describe your characters. The English language has evolved to include little things known as adjectives and adverbs.

Sorry if I sound harsh, by the way.

Oh, and the non-Japan name for Shinou is Sinnoh.


Quote:
Originally Posted by pokemaster202 View Post
Dear RYAN,
you have been welcomed to a tornament to one of the best well trained pokemon. We have been watching your battles lately. We are very impressed with your skills. All you need to do is follow the map right below. Bye! Hope to see you there.

Sincerely,----
Why would they capitalize the name? Also, it doesn't really matter, but you probably have realize by now that Ryan is the name of the owner of this board...

Quote:
Originally Posted by pokemaster202 View Post
The rest was smeared off .
Ryan grabbed the map. He didn't even notice he was right in front of The dome area.
Looking over your work and in Word or Works helps locate errors such as this. It makes your work easier to read and more professional.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pokemaster202 View Post
But.............

Two Gaurds came across him and asked for the pass.

"Oh...."Ryan said"here it is" The guards didn't even look at the pass

"We don't let people get in here with jusst a "pass"......"Said one of the guards

"We have to battle them to make sure you really got the invitation"The other guard said

"I see......"Ryan said"FINE! GOOOOO Aggron, Blaziken!"
Okay, here's a little mini lesson on dialogue. When you have some speaking, you off said the dialogue tag (i.e. Ryan said) with commas. Thus, the first dialouge in this quote becomes

"Oh," Ryan said, "here it is."

Thus... this so called chapter is not long enough, does not have virtually anything happen in it, and has quite a few dialogue, punctuation and grammatical errors. I suggest running this through a spell checker (like the one you can download on this forum), get a beta reader, and try again.
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