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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 01-28-2007, 10:16 PM
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Thumbs up Magnetised!

Magnetised!

-Part One-

“Butterfree, Finish it off with Gust!” roared a tall, black haired boy. His blue eyes glinted with victory. The boy’s Butterfree flapped its wings furiously, creating a large gust of wind which sent the challenger flying backwards.

“Ooh… Horsea!” screamed the challenger. She pulled out a small Pokeball from her bag and returned the Pokemon with a flash of red light, turned on her heel and ran south along the long winding boardwalk which formed the route to the cities of Vermilion and Fuchsia. Many fishermen lined the path, casting fishing lines into the water and waiting patiently.
“Great job Butterfree, have a nice rest.” The boy also pulled out a Pokeball and zapped up the butterfly in another flash of red. The boy, swelling with pride of his latest Pokemon battle victory, walked slowly north, back along the boardwalk. A large tower could be seen poking out from behind some steep rock formations. He stepped off the sturdy boardwalk onto a lush grass path which led to his home town of Lavender.

* * *

Knocking softly on a scratched purple door, he entered without invitation. He looked around the room, it was an average looking house, a kitchen scattered with dishes was barely visible behind a large cabinet containing a small TV set. An iron grate covered a hole in the wall, which was filled with smouldering logs and sticks.

“Oh, Jordan… You’re home.” said a withered old lady sitting in a large squishy looking armchair. She had shining silvery hair, which was tied back in a tight bun. She took off her half moon glasses, put down the book she was holding, which was entitled ‘Professor Oak’s guide to household Pokemon problems’ and stood up. She was barely tall enough to see the top of Jordan’s shoulder.

“Hi Gran,” he said, smiling as she opened the lid of a tartan biscuit tin, offering him some. He pulled out his favourite ‘Dratini Delight’ “Thanks.”

“Now you go off to play, my program’s on.” She said sweetly, but with the air of someone talking to a three year old. Jordan sighed and turned into the kitchen to fetch a drink as he heard the faint click of the TV being turned on.

‘We interrupt this program to bring you a special news announcement.’ said a male voiceover, accompanied by the usual news announcement tune. The screen changed to reveal a woman newsreader, wearing a pale pink suit jacket. Her hair was golden and lay neatly above her shoulders.

She started speaking in a very monotone voice, usual of most newsreaders;

“Breaking news this hour, disturbance at Kanto’s Power Plant. Eye witnesses have confirmed that a large herd of Aron, have ‘invaded’ the power plant just north of Lavender town.”

“Oh dear,” said Jordan’s grandmother, as Jordan walked back into the lounge room to watch. He sat himself on the arm of his grandmother’s chair as the newsreader continued;

“The Pokemon are reported to be wreaking havoc on the power plants valuable equipment and materials. Scientists are baffled at what has provoked this recent aggressive behaviour in these usually peaceful Pokemon. We now have satellite hook-up with the head of the Power Plant’s maintenance staff, welcome Professor Bode.”

A short, worried looking man wandered into view, wearing a yellow hardhat and a white lab coat which was shown in a separate window to the newsreader. The background seemed to be the outside of the Power Plant.

“What can you tell us about this sudden event, Professor?” asked the newsreader kindly.

“Not much I’m afraid.” uttered the Professor. “The other scientists and I are completely dumbfounded. Nothing has changed that I can think of to make the Aron act this way…” A loud crash was heard behind the professor, followed by glass shards falling from an out-of-shot window. The Professor let out a tiny yelp. “All we can do now is wait just a little longer, until we can come up with some idea of stopping these out of control Pokemon.”

“Thank you for your time Professor.” finished the newsreader, obviously saddened that the Professor had not come through with the news scoop of the century. “We will bring you more information as it becomes apparent.” she said, shuffling papers as the camera faded out.

“Wow, that’s interesting.” said Jordan’s grandmother in shock. “Let’s hope they solve that soon.” She turned on and off a lamp on a table next to her, as if checking the power was still on, even though the TV was perfectly fine.

“You know, I think I might go check that out.” Jordan said without thinking.

* * *

Maybe he was making a mistake, or was being ‘very irrational’ as his grandmother had put it. But curiosity overcame him. Events like this always triggered the adventurer inside Jordan.

Jordan started to climb the steep hills towards the entrance to Rock Tunnel. He noticed that the further he got away from Lavender, the less lush the landscape got. The route had started with thick green trees and shrubs on either side, wavy grass and small lakes also lined the path. As he continued walking, the landscape got considerably rockier, the grassy path slowly turned to pebbles, and the trees were replaced with boulders.

Jordan could see two burly Hikers up ahead; apparently they had just exited the cave. As Jordan approached one of them held out a hand to stop him.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he asked, menacingly. He surveyed Jordan from under what looked to be a miner’s hat. “Cave’s not safe for people who don’t know what they’re doing.”

“And what makes you think I don’t know what I’m doing?” said Jordan confidently, but inside, he knew he had no cave trekking experience what-so-ever.

“Ha!” boomed the other Hiker “Tell you what, since I’m a nice guy, I’ll lend you my Glow Stick.” He reached into one of his jacket pockets and pulled out a slender clear tube, capped at each end and filled with what looked to be static electricity.

“What would I need with a Glow Stick?” asked Jordan, trying to sound tough, but staring admirably at the small bolts that ran through the tube.

“You’ll see once you get inside, Good Luck getting through.” The Hiker thrust the Glow Stick into his hands and strode off with his buddy, laughing hard.

Jordan, who was thoroughly embarrassed by the Hikers laughing, he tossed the glow stick aside. It landed with a loud crack on a small rock. He took a deep breath and stepped through the cave entrance.

* * *

Even though the hole to the outside world was only metres away, the cave had already turned pitch black, as if the rock walls hungrily absorbed all light. Jordan now realised why the Hiker had giving him that Glow Stick, he turned and ran back towards the exit.

Jordan recovered the tube, which was cracked in several places, but still functional. Now he was back on track through Rock Tunnel. The static from the Glow Stick was excellent at lighting up the dark cave. Though, on occasions it would fizzle out and plunge Jordan back into complete and utter darkness. A rough shake later and the tube worked fabulously once again.

Holding the tube high above his head, Jordan could make out details of his surroundings. The cave walls looked very crumbly, with water trickling out of various cracks in its rough exterior. Other than the occasional root jutting out of a wall, the cave was rather boring. The only part that was visible was a 5 metre radius which surrounded him.

Often, Jordan would find himself tripping up on large rocks on the cave floor. He jumped with surprise when one of them replied in a tough voice;

‘Geodude’

After what felt like hours of aimless wandering, Jordan was getting extremely hungry and tired. His Glow Stick was fizzling out much more often than usual; he feared it would stop working all together. Regardless, he would have to push on. The place where he entered the cave was too far back, through many winding tunnels.

A large gust of wind howled through the cave. Jordan excitedly ran around the next bend, hoping to see the patch of light which was the exit. Another gust, he must be getting close. To the left, round a corner, Jordan could see dull sunlight, glistening off of the water that was trickling harder than ever down the rock wall. He turned the corner to find himself facing a dead end; he looked up, he noticed a small hole in the cave roof. It was barely a few centimetres in diameter, clearly not the exit. Jordan slumped onto the cool, wet floor. He was starting to think he would never find his way out of this place.

Suddenly, Jordan’s ears pricked. He could hear faint singing echoing throughout the cave. Getting to his feat, he started to follow the heavenly tunes rebounding off the walls, hoping this was some sort of sign of the way out.

He rounded the next bend and found himself in a well lit cavern, with loud, gushing rivers and bizarre trees, covered in what looked like vines. The singing was especially loud in this part of the cave. Now that he was closer, he could feel himself starting to drift off, yawning, he tripped and fell instantly asleep to the melody.

* * *

As Jordan woke, he could hear faint mumbling, but he could not make out any of it. They were speaking in a language unknown to him. Jordan slowly opened his eyes to reveal what looked to be a small pink marshmallow standing in front of him. He sat up, rubbing his eyes to get a better look at the creature, or creatures as Jordan soon found out.

What looked to be hundreds of tiny pink Pokemon where standing around him.

‘Cleffa!’ yelled one of them, looking angrily up at Jordan. The other Pokemon followed, the cavern was deafening with the cries of hundreds of Cleffa. They all started to jump up and down, forming a tight circle around him.

The Cleffa directly in front of Jordan raised its little hand for silence among its fellows. It then started yelling something, obviously it was an order to stand down, because all the other Pokemon stopped jumping, and walked backwards, forming a rather large circle. Jordan stepped back a little; the Cleffa was now facing him in a ring. It must want to battle.

“Go, Butterfree!” Jordan yelled as he lobbed the Pokeball into the centre of the ring. A beautiful butterfly burst from its Pokeball with a bright, white light. It stretched its wings, as if it had been cooped up in that ball for a long time.

The Cleffa in the surrounding ring started to chant softly.

‘Cleffa!’ the opponent yelled, followed by the cheers of the others. It leapt up to Butterfree before Jordan had the time to react. It gave the butterfly a little kiss on the forehead. Butterfree, started to sway in mid air, it was obviously confused by the Cleffa’s Sweet Kiss attack.

“Butterfree! Give it a Gust attack!” commanded Jordan, he was not about to back down from the challenge of a pink marshmallow.

Buttfree flapped its wings furiously, creating a small tornado which swept up the little Pokemon and threw it against a small stalagmite on the floor outside of the ring. It got up, and bounced back into the ring, not phased by the attack at all. Butterfree continued to lazily float in the air, occasionally falling, but catching itself at the last moment.

The opposing Cleffa let out another war cry and leapt once again at Butterfree, it landed on top and gave an all mighty pound on the back. Butterfree was slammed into the ground. Cleffa bounced back over to its side of the ring, accompanied by the cheers of the on-lookers.

Butterfree slowly got up and back in the air.

“Give it your best Psybeam, Butterfree!” Jordan yelled. The Butterfree hovered in mid air for a second, after which it released a colourful beam from its eyes. The beam completely missed Cleffa from its confusion and struck the same stalagmite Cleffa had hit beforehand. The Cleffa looked at though it was laughing. The members of the ring copied.

“Butterfree, don’t wait for it to attack you! Use Silver Wind!”

Butterfree shook its head momentarily; it regained its usual flying abilities as the confusion wore off. It flapped its wing furiously, just as it would have done for a Gust attack. But this time, it excreted a silvery powder from its wings. The powder struck Cleffa, who was taken completely by surprise. Once again it was blown backwards straight into one of the members of the ring.

It was starting to look quite weakened now.

“One more of that Silver Wind should do it, Butterfree!” Again, Butterfree caused a large gust of Silver Wind to slam into the Cleffa, before it could attack. It lay dazed on the floor of the cavern. Jordan had won.

He turned to walk out of the cavern, looking back; he saw that all the other Cleffa had abandoned their fallen hero. They walked away, as if ashamed of their friend. It was left alone, in the middle of the stone floor where it was struck down. A single ray of light protruded in from a hole in the roof and acted as a spotlight, illuminating the poor Cleffa.

Feeling sorry for it, Jordan turned back. Reaching into his backpack, he cast out a red and white sphere at the Pokemon. It was zapped up in a flash of red light, wriggling ever so slightly in the soft light.

To be continued after grading
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Last edited by Shady; 01-29-2007 at 04:59 AM.
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  #2  
Old 01-30-2007, 12:33 AM
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Default Re: Magnetised!

Story: Honestly, not all that amazing. Not bad, just... not necessarily good. Basically follows a standard trainer as he wanders into a mess of wild mons, then happens to encounter a batch of Cleffa, one of which he tries to capture. I know, you said you plan on continuing the story, but even still, it's not all that original. Even if you planned on pumping in loads of plot and story into the next parts, that doesn't make this piece any more dramatic, ya know?

What's an example of a more impressive storyline? How about looking at something that someone else has done around here? A little while ago, Megumi had a detective story. It's a fairly simple premise, but still a bit different from the average 'trainers runs across a blah-blee-blah,' ya know? From a more original starting point, it's easier to come up with an original storyline. That's not say you can't make this kind of story original, because you definitely can.

Grammar: A couple things I noticed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by You
He looked around the room, it was an average looking house, a kitchen scattered with dishes was barely visible behind a large cabinet containing a small TV set.
This, my friend, is what we in the biz call demonspawn... *cough* I mean, a comma splice. Hard to avoid, hard to catch; nasty little things, to be sure. See, the problem is that you've got two complete sentences separated by only a comma. That's blasphemy to the Grammar Gods, so in order to exercise these little demons, you've gotta change that comma to something else. Namely, a period or a semi-colon. In this case, a period seems simpler.

But wait, there's more. There are actually two comma splices, the second of which is highlighted in blue. This second one is a bit harder to deal with, probably due to the large fangs and stronger legs than the previous specimen. Lemme just show ya how things might be adjusted to become grammatical and then explain.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Galleon smells
He looked around the room. It was an average looking house, complete with a dish-filled kitchen hiding behind a large cabinet that housed a TV set.
The first part is obvious. The second part, not so much. This works because of the type of verb used in the last part of the blue section: 'hiding'. The -ing suffix here means that something is happening 'while' something else is happening, thus making that last portion a dependent clause. And since it's a dependent clause it can be paired with your independent one using only a comma. Before, they were two independents butting heads, but now that one of them depends on the other, they work perfectly fine.


...and yes, English is an abomination of a language. If you already knew all that, then I apologize for the long explanation.

Detail: Your description was pretty well done, in my opinion. Works just fine for your intended capture.

Battle: Ah, this was fine. I think you've got a good enough handle on this area, so well done.

Length: Yeppity.

Outcome: Cleffa Captured! While it wasn't necessarily unique, it was just fine for a Cleffa. Even the things I pointed out were fairly minor, but it's my hope that you'll take something away from this grade for your future stories. Of course, if you already knew what was going on here, then... whatever. Good luck with your future writings.
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Last edited by Galleon; 01-30-2007 at 03:54 AM. Reason: colors were backwards, dangit :(
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  #3  
Old 01-30-2007, 02:17 AM
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Default Re: Magnetised!

Thanks for grading :)

I know this isnt the most original of story lines... I never actually intended on trying to capture another pokemon along the way. It just sort of... happened. xD

It was either this, or a long description of the character walking through a cave.

Thanks again.

ps. I didn't pick up on that 'demonspawn' sentence. xDD Thanks for pulling me up on it.

I'll write up the second half (the main plot half xD) right now.
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Old 01-30-2007, 06:54 AM
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Default Re: Magnetised!

Magnetised!
-Part Two-

The ball stopped shaking; a faint sound was heard as the small button on it flashed red. Jordan was overcome with self-admiration. He ran towards the ball, picking it up and placing it carefully back into his bag, which also held two other Pokeballs, one for his Butterfree and one spare. He was wondering how long it would be until he had to use it.

Jordan noticed that several of the Cleffa from earlier were peeking out from behind stalagmites and rocks, watching him closely. He started to feel very uncomfortable as he peered around the cavern for some sort of way out. Spotting a small tunnel up ahead, he set off. The strange trees thinned out as he got further away from the centre of the Cleffa colony. It also started to get much darker. Pulling out his Glow Stick, Jordan exited the cavern into a rather narrow tunnel.

Jordan slipped his way through this thin tunnel. Moss and fungi had grown all over, causing the cave floor to become extremely slippery. He felt like he was walking on warm, earthy ice. Jordan came to a long dip in the floor; he slid down much like he was on a waterslide at a fun-park. But this version was much less enjoyable. His pants were now drenched with water and mud, making the remaining trip very uncomfortable indeed.

The path had now dried off a bit, after passing several small underground lakes, which were bubbling, from heat or from air he did not know.

The once cool rock walls were starting to become warmer, he could feel as he moved along that some sections were very much warmer than others.

Many small holes in the walls and roof of the tunnel started to become apparent. Letting small amounts of light to rebound from wall to wall, illuminating the tunnel quite well. Jordan followed the tunnel for a while; he did not now how long exactly he had been inside the cave, but it had felt like all day. As he rounded the next bend, the tunnel was starting to be smothered by a warming orange glow. It became stronger with every step he took. After a few more steps, he could see a single speck of bright orange light in the distance. From here on, the tunnel was perfectly straight and perfectly flat, enabling Jordan to jog at a steady pace. He knew this must be the exit. A wave of relief rushed over him as he ran at full speed toward the light.

* * *

The cave widened out to reveal a large landscape, filled with trees and lakes, all light brilliantly by a warm, orange sunset to the west. It now was apparent that Jordan did in fact spend just about the whole day inside that cave. Jordan noticed a long river, sparkling in the warm glow. It stretched south behind another rocky hill. Standing right next to him, was a welcome sight. A glistening Pokemon Centre stood in the middle of a small patch of trees. Jordan ran inside and handed his two Pokeballs containing his two Pokemon to the smiling Nurse. He took a seat and took a well deserved rest.

A few moments later, Jordan was called back up to the front desk to retrieve his Pokemon.

“Thank you.” He replied, as the nurse handed him a small tray with two Pokeballs on it. “By the way, you wouldn’t happen to know how to get to the Power Plant from here would you?”

“Oh, you’re going to check out that disaster they’re having, are you?” said the nurse kindly, “I’ve been hearing loud noises coming from there all day long. But if you want to get there, the easiest way is to follow the river just outside. It will lead you right near the Plant.”

“Thanks again.” Replied Jordan, as he turned to make his way out of the Pokemon Centre.

“Wait,” the nurse called, “I don’t think you should be going out this late.” She said sternly. “We have a spare bed, would you like to stay?”

Jordan considered it for a moment, looking out of the window; he noticed it had already become considerably dark. He didn’t fancy having to walk down the river in the moonlight.

“Actually… sure, I would love that?” Jordan said happily. “I could use a little rest.”

One of the Pokemon Centre’s Chansey hopped happily down the corridor, holding a small bundle of bed covers and a pillow. It opened a door and lead Jordan inside. Placing down the sheets on a small bed, it left the room.

He leaped onto his bed and fell instantly asleep.

* * *

Jordan awoke with a jolt, it was clearly not morning as the sky outside was still a silver spotted black. He was not entirely sure what had awoken him. Until;

CRASH

He heard a loud noise, followed by a variety of what sounded like war cries. Jordan rushed out into the front room of the Pokemon Centre to join many people including three or four Chansey and the nurse, looking utterly terrified.

“What’s going on?” yelped Jordan, as another loud crashing was heard, this time followed by the smashing of glass.

“It’s those Pokemon down at the Power Plant. They have to do something soon!” she squealed. Jordan ran back to his room, scooping up his bag with his Pokemon, he bolted past one of the Chansey and ran out the door towards the river. It was just barely visible in the starlit sky.

Luckily, he didn’t have to swim; there was a small path along the side of the hill with barricades set up to block pedestrians. With a few large leaps, Jordan managed to jump the boom gates and concrete walls which ease. He continued running, as he neared the end of the river, he turned to see a large, ravaged looking building concealed behind the same hill that he had seen earlier, only from the other side.

A small crowd of people were gathered in front of the building, looking horrifically at the broken glass now falling from a window. Another man ran out of the front entrance of the Plant to join the rest of the men.

“They haven’t found they’re way into the main generator room yet,” he said, puffing loudly. “I’ve rung the police, if they don’t get here soon…” he trailed off, making rude hand gestures in the air.

“What we need is some Pokemon back-up” said one of the men. He looked over to Jordan, who was staring intently up at the building. “Hey,” Jordan looked over, “Yeah you! You got Pokemon? Come with us.”

Jordan, excited but scared, followed one of the men into the building at a run. The man looked like an engineer. His face was dirty and unshaven and wore a yellow work suit and a matching yellow hardhat. His belt was full of small tools and a single Pokeball.

The Power Plant, from the inside, emphasised the feeling of destruction it was already showing so well from the front. The floor tiles were chipped, broken and in some cases, missing. The long lights were flickering and swaying as though they had just been tampered with. Sparks were flying from everywhere, from severed, loose wires to electrical sockets in the walls. The noise of destruction was even more profound from the inside.

“Follow me,” called out the engineer from the end of the hallway. “We have to try and head off these ruddy Pokemon from getting to the main generator.”

Jordan ran the length of the hall to re-join the man. Together, they ran along another corridor towards a flight of steel stairs. The man’s boots echoed around the hall, though it didn’t cover the sound of the crashes heard from the floors above.

They ascended the stairs to find a hundreds of small, iron plated creatures, constantly bashing the electrical equipment. Jordan watched as the Aron continued, not noticing that they had been joined by two humans.

“Tread carefully.” He said as he jogged silently. Dodging several Aron as they launched themselves head first into a large filing cabinet.

The further they got down the hall, the more chaotic it seemed to get.

“They must be aggravated by something, they wouldn’t start this riot for nothing.” Said the engineer softly, Jordan didn’t know whether he was talking to him, or mumbling to himself.

“Help, please someone!” screamed a woman’s voice from inside a room to Jordan’s left. The engineer must have heard it too, because before Jordan could say anything, he had already barged down then door.

A woman was cowering in the corner of the room, her hands flailing wildly.

“Please help!” she screamed at Jordan, as two Aron advanced on her. She, being the only thing left not completely flattened in the room.

“Go, Butterfree!” the Butterfree was released in the usual flash of white. “Use your Whirlwind attack!” Butterfree, for the umpteenth time that day, flapped its wings vigorously, creating a small cyclone in the room. It swept up the two Aron with such force that when they were released, they burst straight through the wall to the right, into what looked to be a lunch room filled with several vending machines.

The engineer helped the woman up. She had chestnut brown hair, which looked horribly wind-swept. She adjusted her glasses and brushed dirt off of her white lab coat.

“Thank you,” she replied, though not looking too pleased. “But we must hurry, we have to shut down the generator!” she said as she ran from the room before Jordan or the engineer could have a chance to question her. Shrugging to each other, they followed her out the door and back into the now deserted hall.

More crashes could be heard upstairs.

The woman scientist was stopped at the bottom of the stairs by yet another duo of Aron.

“Stand back!” Jordan yelled. His Butterfree knew what to do; it whipped by a tornado with its wings and sent the twosome flying down the hall, skidding slightly on the tiles. They shook their heads and started to scurry back towards them, their small legs obviously not made for running.

Jordan, followed by the scientist and the engineer scaled the staircase in record time, only to be greeted by the same picture as before. Hundreds of Aron were still crashing and bashing their way around the corridor. Instead of going directly straight, towards the other set of stairs, the engineer turned a sharp right, along a smaller, more secluded hallway. He punched in a number code on a large, heavily armoured door. I small green light flashed and they ran quickly into the large room.

It was one of the strangest rooms Jordan had ever been in. It was filled with computers and large screens. At the end of the room, two large metal blocks were spinning at a high pace behind a very thick piece of glass.

“Those are the magnets which generate most of this Plants electricity.” said the engineer, after seeing the blank look on Jordan’s face.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Switch it off so we can end this madness!” yelled the scientist.

“Why would we want to turn them off?” asked Jordan curiously, his Butterfree still flitting around beside him.

“Because that generator is the cause of all this chaos!” she screamed, with a frightened look on her face. “The Aron are becoming aggravated by those magnets! Remember, these Pokemon are part steel type.” The scientist stopped to draw breath. She looked exhausted from all the running she had done earlier.

“But why haven’t they done this before now?” asked the engineer, still a little sceptical.

“What? Don’t you see…? You’ve had to turn up the power lately. Because of that Magnet Train that just opened in Saffron City. The magnetic waves emitted by this generator are disturbing the Aron, messing with their brains, I can only assume they have become aggressive and have tried to relieve some of there new anger by destroying the one thing that was annoying them in the first place.” she fell silent, drawing another huge breath. A loud noise of metal on metal was heard very close. The three of them wheeled around to discover a large dint in the thick metal door they had come through.

“Oh no, they’re trying to get through. I’ll quickly see if I can shut down this machine!” yelled the engineer.
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  #5  
Old 01-30-2007, 06:55 AM
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Default Re: Magnetised!

Magnetised!
-Part Two-
(Cont.)

One final smash, and the door flung open with a cloud of dust rising. Out of the dust, strode three Aron. The one in front was very much larger and meaner looking than the other two. It also looked different; instead of the usual grey under-body it was slightly green. It’s metal face and back plates also had a slightly yellow tinge to them. The biggest difference was its eyes; they were a startling bright red, while the other two had the regular blue.

‘Aron!’ it cried in a rather stronger and deeper voice than the other two.

Their dramatic entrance was cut short, the two smaller and weaker looking Aron were lifting off their feet, and flung across the room, sticking on the thick glass which separated them from the magnet. It was obviously irritating; they squirmed about, trying to free themselves from the force of the magnets.

“Kid, hold that one off until I can figure out how to turn off this thing!” yelled the engineer from the far side of the room. He was typing furiously on a keyboard, while the woman screeched instructions into his ear.

“C’mon Butterfree, you heard the guy! Get out there and give it a Silver Wind!” The Butterfree swooped in front of Jordan to face the menacing Aron and shot a furious gust of Silver Wind.

The Aron kneeled on the floor, it seemed to glow blue and green, starting from the top and trickling down to the bottom, it reminded Jordan of someone cracking an egg over the top of its back.

The woman had abandoned her attempt at hurrying the engineer and had ventured over to watch Jordan’s battle. She acted more of a commentator than a spectator.

The wind whipped its steely hide, but was repelled by the blue-green glow now completely covering the Pokemon.

“Ooh… You’ll have to watch that Protect attack.” she said in the background.

The Aron got back to its feet and started to charge; it jumped at the last second into the air to meet Butterfree, but was too slow. Butterfree simply ascended slightly and the Aron crashed back to the floor, creating a small earthquake within the room.

Realising its attempt failed, Aron shot a large amount of mud, which it had conjured from its mouth, flying at the butterfly. Butterfree, who was expecting another physical attack, was caught off-guard. It took a face full of the sloppy mud which knocked it too the floor. The mud had dampened its wings, it attempted to fly hopelessly.

Aron, seising the opportunity, ran directly at the grounded butterfly with a powerful Take Down. It struck Butterfree with such force; it was slammed against the window which held the other two Aron. Butterfree collapsed onto the floor.

“C’mon Butterfree, Get up!” yelled Jordan, when it didn’t, Jordan pulled out a Pokeball and returned it in a red light.

“Only one choice left, Go Cleffa!” screamed Jordan, pulling another Pokeball out of his bag and launching it into the air. The same pink marshmallow he had caught in the cave earlier stood cutely in front of him, facing the Aron.

“That’s not going to be a good choice.” said the scientist under her breath, hoping Jordan wouldn’t hear.

“Alright, Use Sing!” Jordan yelled as he cupped his hands over his ears. He saw the scientist and the engineer do the same. Cleffa opened its mouth, and started to sing a beautiful melody. The Aron’s eyes were drooping slightly, trying to stay awake. Eventually, it gave in and collapsed on its side, snoring loudly.

“This is our big break Cleffa! Just give it all you’ve got!”

The Cleffa jumped over and started pounding the Aron with all its might. None of it looked terribly effective against the super hard metal with covered most of its body.

Jordan watched on as Cleffa was tiring itself, constantly smashing the Aron steel head.

“Cleffa, change of plan, go for its stomach, where there is no armour!” yelled Jordan as the idea came. It was obvious why the attacks weren’t doing anything now.

Cleffa, after hearing the call, jumped over the still sleeping Aron and started to pound its stomach.

The Aron’s eyes flicked open, Cleffa unaware. It quickly stood up, much to the surprise of Cleffa, and rammed it with its metal skull. Cleffa was thrown at the wall. It hit and bounced off, looking dazed.

“I wonder why he doesn’t use Magical Leaf…” said the scientist, again under her breath. She was privately scrutinising his performance, even though Jordan was completely aware of her words.

“What? Magical Leaf…?” Jordan asked, looking at the woman to the side suspiciously. “Ok, try it Cleffa!”

Cleffa looked around to see the Aron in mid air; it had leaped at Cleffa in an airborne Take Down attack. Cleffa, acting surprisingly quickly, shot several, glowing, rainbow coloured leaves at the Aron’s underside.

Once struck, the Aron keeled over in the air, landing with a loud thud to the floor.

“You’re not going to be able to faint it with these types of attacks.” the woman said, once again, unaware that Jordan could hear her.

“I may not need to faint it.” said Jordan confidently, he retrieved a Pokeball from his bag once again and threw it at the Aron, who was just getting up from Cleffa’s most recent attack.

The ball sucked it up in a red beam of light, and lay on the ground. It wriggled from side to side; obviously the Aron hadn’t been weakened terribly. But would it be enough for a capture?
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  #6  
Old 01-30-2007, 04:24 PM
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Default Re: Magnetised!

Story/Plot: Very well done and quite clever. You did an excellent job of writing a (relatively) short and entertaining story. That all said, nice job not going for something predictable like "Boy walks out in the woods and finds an Aron"

No really dull parts or crappy dialogue so that's a plus. Overall this part of the story was fantastic. Keep up the work.

Grammar/Spelling: I say again nice job. Only a few words misspelled so I'd run it through word or something but its not a big thing cause as I stated it was only a few words. Grammar wasn't an issue either though I suggest you try using two or three more ";" throughout the story as they might help make it flow even more smoothly.

Description/Detail: No issues here, not an overabundance of detail but not too little either. Overall it was enough for this story and I personally didn't have a problem visualizing everything. Just the same I advise you try to add in a bit more next time around.

Battle: Pretty good I say. Probably should have been a bit longer but with what you got done you made it work. Congrats. I advise you try to make the battle next time a little longer. The only other things is I'd like to see the attacks described a bit more.

Length: I don't have any issues.

Outcome: Aron... Captured! Good job, overall this was a nicely rounded story with strong marks everywhere, just remember to run it through word a couple times to catch any sneaky mistakes and to put as much detail as possible. Keep up the work.

~Isaiah
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  #7  
Old 01-31-2007, 03:14 AM
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Default Re: Magnetised!

Thanks a lot ST.

Really appreciate your grades, both you and Galleon.
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