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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 01-26-2007, 12:22 PM
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Post Rock Hard Feelings

Echo trudged through the sand slowly; it felt like she had been walking across Dewford town forever. All I wanted to do was get to Granite Cave! She thought wearily. Eevee was already ahead of her, and every once in a while she would turn back to make sure her trainer was still following her. Then, over the horizon, she saw it. She could see Granite cave at last! Echo broke out into a sprint and darted past Eevee, who had sat down for a rest, thinking her trainer would never catch up to her.
"At last! Granite Cave!" Echo exclaimed as Eevee came up to join her at the entrance of the dark tunnel. "We finally made it!" she picked up Eevee and tossed her in the air out of excitement.
"Eevee!" they couldn't wait any longer, they had finally arrived at their destination. Echo stepped into the cave first, and a gust of cold wind blew in her face.
"Burr!" she exclaimed as she peered into the cold cavern; she could make out a person, or at least, what she thought was a person.
They walked steadily up to him, but then Echo stopped to rub her forehead where a cold-water droplet had fallen. "Thatís freezing!" she exclaimed again, and she noticed for the first time that the cave echoed back to her. "Hey, cool! Echo-Echo!" she shouted to the cave and giggled when it responded.
"Hello there." a different voice said from the other side of the cave. Echo gasped and held Eevee in surprise, thinking it was a pokemon thief.
"I won't Hurt chíya." a man was walking towards the two, he was old and wearing a pink construction hat with blue clothes. But only when Echo figured out he had no pokemon did she put Eevee back down. "So what'd you come here for?" Echo picked up a southern accent in his voice, and thought he was from Slateport city.
"Eevee and I came to try to catch an Aron. I'm a pokemon trainer,Ē she said proudly. "Pokemon trainer eh? And I thought that Eevee was just there to look cute!" he chuckled at his joke and proceeded talking. "Yeah, those Aron are everywhere. Just have to keep 'em from fainting."
"So... you know how I can catch one?" She got excited for a moment, but then lost a bit of her hope. "No. I can't tell you how to catch one." Echo looked at the ground, it seemed no one could help her catch an Aron. "But I can tell you where to look for 'em." he paused to point at a small ladder at the end of the cave. "Just go down that ladder, north a little ways, and then west for a bit."
Echo darted off with Eevee to the ladder and she shouted over her shoulder to him, "thanks!" and was off... but off before the man could warn her about the cave's darkness...

Echo climbed slowly down the ladder, afraid of falling off because she couldn't see the bottom. To her surprise, it was only a step or two down from the first floor. "Jump, Eevee! Itís a short drop!" she called up to reassure Eevee she could make it. But when Eevee didn't come, she added, "come on, don't be afraid! Iíll catch you!" she said, holding out her arms. A moment later, Eevee jumped down from the ladder and leaped into Echo's arms. "Not so bad, now was it?" Echo teased Eevee as they walked in the darkness, feeling the walls for direction.
Echo stopped and called out, "hold on, Eevee! Letís stop for a minute!" and Eevee came trotting back to her. Letís see... the man said 'go down the ladder, north for a while, and west for a bit'... right?... or was it east? She sighed and walked east for a few minutes, but after a while, she started doubting whether she was going the right way or not.
Deciding to turn around and go the other way, she switched directions and started walking west. After a few steps, she slipped on something and heard a growl. "Sorry Eevee, but we're walking the other way now." she said, and then leaned down to pet her, attempting to apologize. But when her hand touched the surface, it wasn't warm and fuzzy... it was cold and hard, like a rock. She pulled back her hand just in time, right before the creature bit her.
She heard the growling noise again, and a snapping sound of jaws closing. Echo squealed and grabbed Eevee, trying to flee. only to turn around and hit a wall. "OWW!" she exclaimed and then turned around to hear growling again.
Echo Pulled out her Pokedex and shone it on the ground, it's bright light shining on everything. Why didn't I think of this before? She thought. When she shined the light on the rock though, she was surprised to see it wasn't just a rock, but it was... "Itís an Aron!" Echo burst out excitedly, and then she realized it wasn't going to just jump in her pokeball, so she had to battle and weaken it first.
She pointed her Pokedex and her finger at the Aron and shouted to Eevee, "now, Eevee! Use tackle!" and Eevee sprinted at the Aron, but when she hit it, she fell back. Oh yeah... Aron is a rock... Echo thought as the pokemon rubbed the bruise on its head.
After a few moments, the Aron charged at her Eevee at full speed. "Eevee! Get out of the way!" Echo shouted, but it was too late, when Eevee turned, the Aron hit her in the side and they both tumbled in opposite directions.
"Eevee, no! You have to get back up!" she cried in distress, and when she saw Eevee get back on her feet, she nearly cried with joy. Now... what attack can Eevee use? Tackle won't work... she thought, and then she had it! "I know! Eevee! Use take down!" Echo was hoping that if Eevee hit his stomach, the Aron would turn over and Eevee could tackle the spot on him that wasn't covered with steel.
Sure enough, Eevee aimed for his head, and with the impact of her Take down, the Aron completely flipped over. "Now, Eevee! Before he gets up! Hit him with a tackle attack!"
Her Eevee darted for the Aron, and attacked his weak spot right before he got up. "Yea, way to go Eevee!" she shouted, and then she reached for her backpack to grab a pokeball. "I hope this works!" Echo said to no one in particular, but she threw the pokeball at the Aron, and watched as it hit it's hard foot, bounced back a bit, and then released a red beam to catch the pokemon in.
When the pokemon was in it, the pokeball wobbled back and forth. Oh, please don't release, please don't release! Echo prayed as the ball rolled forwards and backwards over and over.

THE END.
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Last edited by Bulbachu; 01-27-2007 at 01:47 AM.
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  #2  
Old 01-28-2007, 10:23 PM
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Default Re: Rock Hard Feelings *finished, please grade*

Story: Echo wants to go to Granite Cave, she does, and she immediately finds an Aron ... doesn't sound all that original, does it? I didn't have much of a problem with this story, but more with the idea behind it. It was pretty typical, and nothing beyond "I'm going to Granite Cave so I can find an Aron", which hurts your grade for this story. Anyone who has played Ruby, Sapphire or Emerald knows that wild Aron can be found in Granite Cave, but that doesn't restrict you from having to look for one in that place. It could be captured by Team Magma/Aqua, it could be abandoned by someone, and so forth. In any case, there are many different plot devices you can come up with besides this, and that's the main problem I have with this story. It's short, the plot is dull and has been done several times before, and there wasn't much here to "spice" up the story. Think of something beyond just what you have here - anything could happen.

Spelling/Grammar: Not a whole lot of errors, but you forgot some things when you wrote dialogue, among minor grammatical errors.
  • Whenever you begin dialogue, the first word is capitalized
  • Random words like "hurt" should not be capitalized in the middle of dialogue, unless it is a noun
  • Pokemon names, attacks and items should ALWAYS be capitalized

You should check this over in something like MS Word or another grader next time, because those areas I mentioned were your main problems. Otherwise, you didn't do too badly here.

Length: This is almost enough for an Aron, but the typical plot and lack of details do not make this enough for the little guy. Work on the story, the details, add a longer battle and just add more of everything here, and it should be fine.

Detail/Description: What does Echo look like? What about the construction man she meets, or her Eevee? You didn't give us any descriptions for the main characters or anything else in the story, except for that last, giant paragraph at the end. You don't have to provide too much details for characters and such, but it's still important to give the reader an idea of what they do look like. That's also the same with places, and I didn't see any details given for Granite Cave, except that it is dark ... but all caves are dark. Is the terrain rocky, and is it difficult to walk through? I appreciate the bit you wrote between Echo and Eevee trying to get down, but that's really the only piece of detail I found about the cave. Aron was also described as being "a rock", but if you really look at Aron, it's a bit more than that. You could throw in phrases like "metallic creature" or "steel Pokemon", since your story almost makes it sound like you're just trying to capture a boulder.

Describe everything that comes up in the story as you write about it, even if it's just two sentences or so of detail.

Battle: It should not have ended so easily, since the majority of Eevee's attacks won't do much damage to something with high defense like Aron. I think you dodged one of his attacks, used Tackle, Take Down, and another Tackle ... do you see what I mean? Eevee can use more than just those attacks, since those will hardly defeat Aron. Speaking of which, what about the Pokemon you are trying to capture? It didn't seem to put up much of a fight, which also hurts this section and your story in general. While Eevee struck its "weak spot" to make it ready for capture, I think there needs to be much more here. Aron is a wild Pokemon and would use his own attacks to defend himself, and just three attacks from Eevee is neither fair or exciting. Blind him with Sand Attack, or use something in the cave to hurt or distract him ... anything to make the battle less one-sided. You will also want to put in more detail besides "Tackle knocked Aron over", and so forth. Have fun with this part instead of making it so dull.

Outcome: Aron Not Captured! - You will want to work on plot, details and the battle the most.
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  #3  
Old 01-30-2007, 01:30 AM
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Default Re: Rock Hard Feelings *finished, please grade*

Quote:
Originally Posted by Megumi View Post
Story: Echo wants to go to Granite Cave, she does, and she immediately finds an Aron ... doesn't sound all that original, does it? I didn't have much of a problem with this story, but more with the idea behind it. It was pretty typical, and nothing beyond "I'm going to Granite Cave so I can find an Aron", which hurts your grade for this story. Anyone who has played Ruby, Sapphire or Emerald knows that wild Aron can be found in Granite Cave, but that doesn't restrict you from having to look for one in that place. It could be captured by Team Magma/Aqua, it could be abandoned by someone, and so forth. In any case, there are many different plot devices you can come up with besides this, and that's the main problem I have with this story. It's short, the plot is dull and has been done several times before, and there wasn't much here to "spice" up the story. Think of something beyond just what you have here - anything could happen.

Spelling/Grammar: Not a whole lot of errors, but you forgot some things when you wrote dialogue, among minor grammatical errors.
  • Whenever you begin dialogue, the first word is capitalized
  • Random words like "hurt" should not be capitalized in the middle of dialogue, unless it is a noun
  • Pokemon names, attacks and items should ALWAYS be capitalized

You should check this over in something like MS Word or another grader next time, because those areas I mentioned were your main problems. Otherwise, you didn't do too badly here.

Length: This is almost enough for an Aron, but the typical plot and lack of details do not make this enough for the little guy. Work on the story, the details, add a longer battle and just add more of everything here, and it should be fine.

Detail/Description: What does Echo look like? What about the construction man she meets, or her Eevee? You didn't give us any descriptions for the main characters or anything else in the story, except for that last, giant paragraph at the end. You don't have to provide too much details for characters and such, but it's still important to give the reader an idea of what they do look like. That's also the same with places, and I didn't see any details given for Granite Cave, except that it is dark ... but all caves are dark. Is the terrain rocky, and is it difficult to walk through? I appreciate the bit you wrote between Echo and Eevee trying to get down, but that's really the only piece of detail I found about the cave. Aron was also described as being "a rock", but if you really look at Aron, it's a bit more than that. You could throw in phrases like "metallic creature" or "steel Pokemon", since your story almost makes it sound like you're just trying to capture a boulder.

Describe everything that comes up in the story as you write about it, even if it's just two sentences or so of detail.

Battle: It should not have ended so easily, since the majority of Eevee's attacks won't do much damage to something with high defense like Aron. I think you dodged one of his attacks, used Tackle, Take Down, and another Tackle ... do you see what I mean? Eevee can use more than just those attacks, since those will hardly defeat Aron. Speaking of which, what about the Pokemon you are trying to capture? It didn't seem to put up much of a fight, which also hurts this section and your story in general. While Eevee struck its "weak spot" to make it ready for capture, I think there needs to be much more here. Aron is a wild Pokemon and would use his own attacks to defend himself, and just three attacks from Eevee is neither fair or exciting. Blind him with Sand Attack, or use something in the cave to hurt or distract him ... anything to make the battle less one-sided. You will also want to put in more detail besides "Tackle knocked Aron over", and so forth. Have fun with this part instead of making it so dull.

Outcome: Aron Not Captured! - You will want to work on plot, details and the battle the most.
ok, i can edit it, right?
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  #4  
Old 01-30-2007, 03:37 AM
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Default Re: Rock Hard Feelings *finished, please grade*

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bulbachu View Post
ok, i can edit it, right?
Yes, you can. In fact, I would recommend adding a whole new post.
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  #5  
Old 01-31-2007, 01:59 AM
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Default Re: Rock Hard Feelings

ok, i fixed it up, and added alot of details, but the plot changed ALOT.

Echo trudged through the sand slowly; her blue baggy jeans were filled to her knees in sand and mud, and she would shake them every once and a while to clear them. It felt like she had been walking across the Dewford town shore forever; All I wanted to do was get to Granite Cave! She thought wearily. Eevee was already ahead of her, and every once in a while she would turn back to make sure her trainer was still following her. Then, over the horizon, she saw it. She could see Granite cave at last! The rocky outsides of the cave would have scared anyone, but the pain in Echoís legs made the sight of the tunnel welcoming; Echo broke out into a sprint and darted past Eevee, who had sat down for a rest, thinking her trainer would never catch up to her.
"Finally! Granite Cave!" Echo exclaimed as Eevee came up to join her at the entrance of the dark tunnel. "We finally made it!" She picked up Eevee by the sides and tossed her in the air out of excitement. There they stood, breathless for a moment, but at last Echo yelled out and sprinted into the cave; she couldn't wait any longer, they had finally arrived at their destination! Echo stepped into the cave first, and a gust of cold wind blew in her face.
"Burr!" She exclaimed as she peered into the cold cavern; in the gloom, she couldnít see anything, except for the figure of a person, or at least, what she thought was a person.
They walked steadily up to him, but then Echo stopped to pick up her green-and-white cap and rub her forehead where a cold water-droplet had fallen off a stalactite. "Thatís freezing!" She exclaimed again, and she noticed for the first time that the cave echoed back to her. "Hey, cool! Echo-Echo!" She shouted to the cave, and giggled when it responded to her.
"Hello there." A different voice said from the other side of the cave, it sounded tired and weary, yet at the same time it was strong and stiff. Echo gasped and held Eevee in surprise, thinking it was a pokemon thief from Team Magma or Team Aqua.
"I won't Hurt chíya." A man was walking towards the two, he was old and wearing a pink construction hat with blue overalls, and a light gray shirt underneath. But only when Echo figured out he had no pokemon did she put Eevee back down. "So what'd you come here for?" Echo picked up a southern accent in his voice, and began to think he was from Slateport city or Fallarbor Town.
"Eevee and I came to try to catch an Aron. Yísee, I'm a pokemon trainer,Ē she said proudly. "Pokemon trainer eh? And I thought that Eevee was just there to look cute!" He chuckled at his joke and proceeded talking. "Yeah, those Aron are everywhere, and iíd sure be happy if you caught one; that means less of Ďem will be here to disturb me when iím tunneling!"
"So... Do you know how I can catch one?" She was excited and she had to keep herself from darting away from the man without hearing what he would say.
"No. I can't tell you how to catch one." Echo looked at the ground, it seemed no one would be able to help her catch an Aron; however, the man merely was pausing, and had more to say. "But I can tell you where to look for 'em." he paused again to point at a small ladder at the end of the cave. "Just go down that ladder, north a little ways, and then west for a bit."
Echo darted off in the direction he pointed to, she held Eevee tightly in her right hand, and her red backpack in the other; she shouted over her shoulder to him, "thanks!" and was off... but she was gone before the man could warn her about the cave's darkness...

Echo climbed slowly down the ladder, afraid of falling off because she couldn't see the bottom. To her surprise, it was only a step or two down from the first floor. "Jump, Eevee! Itís a short drop!" she called up to reassure Eevee she could make it. But when Eevee didn't come, she added, "come on, don't be afraid! Iíll catch you!" she said, holding out her arms. A moment later, Eevee jumped down from the ladder and leaped into Echo's arms. "Not so bad, now was it?" Echo teased Eevee as they walked in the darkness, feeling the rocky walls for direction.
Echo stopped and called out as she felt the fuzzy warmth of Eeveeís fur move away from the side of her leg, "hold on, Eevee!" but Echo couldnít hear Eeveeís steps walk slowly back, just the echoing of her own voice. She called out again, but this time louder, hoping with all her heart that Eevee had just not heard her the first time. ďEevee! Come back!Ē and still, she couldnít hear Eevee returning to her; however, she did hear a deep, growling noise coming from beside her. Echo reached out her hand to try to determine what the noise was coming from, but it wasnít the warm and fuzzy texture of Eeveeís fur she was used to feeling, instead, it was cold, hard, and slick, like a boulder covered in a sleek veil of rain. It has to be a pokemon, she thought, and while trying to remember all the pokemon that are normally seen in Granite Cave, the pokemon had leaned itís head up and opened itís jaws to bite her on the hand.
She felt a warm, damp feeling on the tips of her fingers, and swiped her hand away when she felt a cold, jagged weight on both sides of it. [i]It just tried to bite me![i/] she thought when she heard the snapping sound of jaws closing.
just then, everything seemed to stop, a loud whining filled the cave and seemed to silence all other sounds. Echo could even imagine the angry steel-type pokemon turning itís head to discover the source of the noise when hers did. But as the whining got louder, she figured it out: ďEEVEE!Ē she screeched, and ran to where she believed the sound came from, but it was almost impossible to tell with the echoes from the caveís walls.
She ran around the cave, feeling all over for anything fuzzy, and at last, she felt something, but again, it wasnít warm, and familiar, it was hard, cold, and angry. she realized she had stepped on something, and it was something mad. a loud growling noise echoed louder than the whining, and then even louder. soon, it had surrounded her, and she was so frantic right then, she just grabbed her pokenav from her backpack, and waved it around in the air to startle the pokemon. It did itís job, and the pokemon had to readjust their eyes to the newfound light.
She only had a few moments, but she discovered all the pokemon were Aron, and it seemed they lived together in a pack. She whipped her head around and saw that the biggest Aron, had a scar on itís face and was standing over Eevee, who was cowering in front of it.
Echo dashed over to Eevee, picked her up and waved her pokenav in front of the Aronís eyes. itís not helping!... in fact, it looked like she was only making it madder.
At last she decided to try something else, and threw a pokeblock at it, attempting to stall it with food. unluckily, the Aron wasnít very hungry, and the pokeblock bounced off itís head and onto the rocky floor of the cave. The Aronís growl got deeper, and it waved itís short hand up to hit Eevee with a Metal Claw attack, and even though Echo tried to move her arms away so the attack wouldnít hit Eevee, It still hit Eevee enough for her to drop out of Echoís arms.
ďEevee!Ē she yelped as she hit the ground. Eeveeís tired; she canít fight! Echo thought helplessly as the Aron charged at Eevee.
Echoís thoughts were scrambled, she thought it was the end; her eyes searched the cave for anything that might distract the Aron, but there was nothing but darkness everywhere. Think Echo, THINK! she screamed in her head, and she had it! She quickly flung her backpack around Eevee and opened it, revealing three small, half-eaten oran berries. She dropped them in front of Eevee, and watched her slowly eat the first one, eat the second one a bit faster, and gulp down the third one, reviving most of her strength.
Echo whipped her head around, the Aron was almost right in front of them; there wasnít enough time to do anything else. But when the Aron was only a few feet away, it let out a deafening roar and it echoed endlessly in the cave. Eevee trembled and hid behind Echoís jeans, not wanting anything to do with the ferocious steel-type pokemon.
ďItís ok Eevee.Ē Echo reassured her, and lifted her leg so Eevee would stop hiding. sure enough, she came trotting unsteadily back to the Aron, trying to be fearless like it. everyone was unusually calm in that instant, as the Roaring of the Aron faded away. then, a moment later, Echo cried out to Eevee, ending the time of peace. ďEevee! use Take Down!Ē she yelled, and Eevee obeyed and ran head first to the Aron, charging with all the strength she had. The Aron ran forward as well, attempting to counter with a Take Down of itís own.
The two pokemon collided, each hitting their opponent head-on, and both showing no weaknesses. They jumped back to take a breather from the collision,
both tired, but still going on strong. Echo watched with horror, Eevee was trying her best, but the wild Aron just kept lashing Eeveeís attacks back at her.
ďQuick, Eevee! use Bite!Ē Echo yelled again. Eevee took a deep breath and charged once again at the Aron, her mouth was wide open, and her breathing was loud and fast. Just as Eevee was about to jump onto the Aron, a green shield revealed itself and protected Aron from the attack.
Eevee fell backwards, sides heaving. She canít take much more, Echo thought; the end was coming fast, and it looked grim for both of them. The Aron didnít attack Eevee or Echo then, it just stood still and Itís metal coat seemed to gleam brighter in the flickering light of Echoís pokenav. itís probably using a Harden attack. Echo thought as the silver shine of the Aronís body got brighter and thicker.
The three were so caught up in the tension of the battle, they didnít even notice when the rest of the Aron herd huddled around the fighting pokemon in an oval, shaping out a battle field. but regardless of the other Aron, Echo was only focused on one: the scarred leader of them all, the one who was battling her Eevee at that very moment.
Echo thought fast, it was hard for her to think with the echoing of even the smallest sounds in the cave, and the tension of the battle growing with each passing second; She thought of the only move that couldnít be blocked by Aronís Roar, or itís Protect attack. Sand Attack. She thought, and a moment later she called out to Eevee to share her idea. ďEevee! blind it with a Sand Attack!Ē and her Eevee loyally turned to kick up the rocks on the floor of the cave, crush them with her feet, and blow the remaining sand to the Aron at the other side of the field. The wild Aron looked up at the dust, confused at first, and blinded when the mashed-rocks fell in his eyes. It rubbed itís eyes with itís front paw, trying to clear itsí vision, but to no luck, the sand was everywhere now, and it was impossible to get rid of it.
The precious moment that the Aron didnít attack was a short time Echo could spend thinking of an attack to use that would help their situation, and she started thinking a soon as the sand hit the Aronís face, because she knew it would take her a few moments to straighten her thoughts. though, surprisingly, it did not take as long as she had believed, for almost immediately she thought of a way to strike the Aron without too much trouble. ďEevee! Use Growl!Ē Echo shouted with hope, if it worked the way she thought it would, they would have no trouble capturing it. Eevee shot her head up, and growled loudly; it echoed throughout the caveís tunnels, and the sound filled even the smallest crannies. But, it did itís job, and it deafened the wild Aron herd and itís leader, and no one could hear anything.
better attack again before the growl wears off. Echo thought to herself, and then followed up Eeveeís growl with a combo attack, ďEevee, Quick Attack that Aron, and finish it off!Ē she said to her over the loud noise that continued to fill the cave.
Eevee charged swiftly for the Aron, breathing heavily, and traveling faster than the sound around the cave could. Seconds after she jumped, the cave responded with the mimicked sound of her fur bristling in the cold wind, and her feet moving fast to make the attack. Then, She landed, right in front of the Aron, they were face-to-face, but the only one who knew was Eevee, her movements were so quick, not even Echo saw her looking at the Aron before she scratched him; her claw ran faster than her feet when she was launching in the air moments before, and so the last attack was made, the Aron collapsed on the sandy area around him, and Eevee stood tall beside him; she was proud. Her first battle, and she had won.
Echo stood speechless for a few moments, Eeveeís performance was spectacular, every jump was timed perfectly, and her fur glistened beautifully with pride. though the battle was over, the war had not yet fully ended; Echo still had to throw the pokeball, and the outcome of the battle would be found in the instant the pokeball was thrown.
Echo reached into the side-pocket of her backpack to grab one of her pokeballs, and when she had found one, she threw it with careful aim at the Aron, and watched as it flew farther away from her, and closer to the wild pokemon until it hit it's foot at last. the pokeball bounced back a bit, and then released a red beam to catch it in. the chances of the pokeball succeeding in capture was like a roulette wheel, the outcome was unpredictable until it happened, and when the Aron was inside the pokeball, it wobbled furiously back and forth. Oh, please don't release, please don't release! Echo prayed as the ball rolled forwards and backwards continuously.

THE END
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  #6  
Old 01-31-2007, 02:10 AM
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Default Re: Rock Hard Feelings

Well, you put some effort into making this better, and I applaud you for that. Thanks for taking my advice, and I hope you take it into consideration next time around!

Aron Captured! - I see improvements, and they're not bad at all. Have fun with the metal thing.
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