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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 01-30-2007, 02:11 AM
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Default Partners in Crime!!!

Partners in Crime

Part I
Goal:
Catch an Aron
Plot: Atreyu(My Character in second person) and Chuck go exploring in Granite Cave. Chuck wants to gain more knowledge of the place, on the other hand Atreyu wants to capture more Pokemon.

A tall, tan, and dark haired kid stood at the entrance to Granite Cave. His brown eyes matched the dark exterior of the cave. He fashioned and black best with orange at the top and underneath was a new type of shirt that stuck to the skin to keep him warmer in dark places. His cargo pants were colored olive green and had many pockets that could hold many useful knick knacks. He rubbed his hand through his spiky, but lengthy hair. He looked at his partner in crime and smiled. Partner in crime was actually just a joke that the two of them shared together.

His partner was a mysterious young man with a very pale complexion. He was short and scrawny, but had brains that would make Albert Einstein drool. His black hair was thin and long but it managed to cover his head quit well. It matched his large, black and square spectacles that covered his hazel eyes. He sported a long sleeve red shirt, a pair of blue jeans, and a black laptop bag that contained a high-tech laptop capable of serving as another Pokedex with other useful tools.

“So Chuck, where exactly are we going?” Atreyu asked scratching the top of his head digging through his dark brown hair. He was having trouble looking at stuff because they had not slept in twenty-four hours.

“Well Atreyu, if you’d have paid attention you’d know that we were in Viridian City.” He hid the chuckle that came soon after the two last words.

“We are? I thought we were at Union Cave. That’s where you said we were going, wasn’t it?” Atreyu finished his sentence with a shrug.

“We’re at Granite Cave you idiot!” At that moment Chuck kicked Atreyu in the shins with his scrawny right leg and pointed to a giant sign. It was grass green and in white it read Granite Cave.

“Yeah, I um knew where we were all along.” He said giving a fake laugh with a smile. “So do we enter now or camp out for the rest of the day?” Atreyu was hoping they’d camp out for the rest of the day. It was already six in the evening and they had little daylight left.

“Ok, we’ll camp out here tonight. Tomorrow we get an early start but though.” They picked up the backpack that contained a two person tent with sleeping bags and rations.

After a half of a hour, they had the tent set up. They of course had grass stains all over their pants and a couple of bruises from using the mallet to put the wooden stakes into the ground. They unraveled the sleek blue and orange sleeping bags onto the army green tent floor. Atreyu went to the right side of the tent where the blue sleeping bag was lying and figured his way into it. Chuck has already found his was into his bright orange sleeping bag and was snoring like crazy. Atreyu just laughed and closed his eyes.

Something small and mysterious was lurking outside the tent late at night. It was making weird noises and nudging the tent as if it were trying to get it. It slowly touched Atreyu’s face

“Ha, stop it Chuck.” Atreyu was tired, but continued to chuckle. Again the tiny night critter rubbed Atreyu’s face as if it thought it was funny and wanted to play a game. Atreyu raised his fist and punched the innocent kid in the ribs. Chuck awoke suddenly with a look that could kill and knocked Atreyu’s lights out. He smiled, rubbed his side, and went back to sleep.

“Wake up man. We need to get some exploring done.” Chuck said shaking Atreyu. Atreyu woke with a slight pain the middle of his forehead, but managed to just rub it off. They unzipped the tent door and walked out to meet the morning sky along with a cold breeze.

“Let’s just leave the tent and get some exploring done.” Atreyu said in a haste in order to get into the cave faster. He was looking for a Pokemon and that was no secret. He picked up his Pokebelt and strapped it to his waste while Chuck strapped his laptop carrying case around his tiny body and threw down a Pokeball. Out came the little yellow electric mouse, Pikachu.

“Pika.” Pikachu dropped it’s head because it knew that rock was it’s weakness and if they were to fight a rock type Pokemon, Pikachu would faint.

“Don’t worry Pikachu. Everything’s going to be OK!” Atreyu said excitingly. He always had a positive outlook when a new challenge of any kind would show up. “Let’s go!” Atreyu insisted. They walked up to the hole in the mountain that was illuminated by golden sunshine. Atreyu looked at Chuck and they nodded then continued to walk in.

They managed to reach about thirty feet in before light turned to darkness. They covered their eyes as Pikachu launched it’s tiny yellow body off of them shooting out a lighting fast and bright flash. It brightened up the whole cave so now they could see. They both smiled at Pikachu and kept walking.

They went through tight spots, gaping spots, and spots that had been walked through rarely. They finally reached a spot that held a small pond. It was hard to tell how deep the pond was, but it looked clean. Atreyu walked up to the well rounded and calm pond and took a small sip of the water. All of a sudden a rock came out of nowhere pierced through his feathery hair nailing him perfectly in the back of the head.

“THAT REALLY HURT!” Atreyu shouted with great hatred and a face as red as Mars. He picked up a rocked and winged it at Chuck barely missing his nose.

“WHAT THE HECK MATE! I DIDN’T THROW ANYTHING!” Chuck said with great confusion mixed with anger..

“Last night you keep touching my face, then you throw a rock at me, and what’s to come next? Are you going to break my arm or something?” Atreyu had nothing but hurting Chuck on his mind at the moment, but it wasn’t that wise to resort to violence.

"I didn't touch you intil you punched me in the ribs for no reason. Then I knocked your lights out." Chuck said laughing at the last part.

"Whatever. Go do your research while I stay here and look for some useful Pokemon." Atreyu insisted sternly. Chuck just shook his head and walked off along with Pikachu.
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Last edited by Obsidian; 01-30-2007 at 02:26 AM.
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  #2  
Old 01-30-2007, 03:06 AM
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Default Re: Partners in Crime!!! (Not Finished)

“Stupid Chuck, I don’t need him and his fancy gadgets. I have all I need right here!” He said plucking a Pokeball off of his Pokebelt. He tossed it to the ground and in a red beam out came a Pokemon. It wasn’t just any ol’ Pokemon but though.

“Sci, Sci, Scizor!” The metal infused bug Pokemon chanted with a deep voice. It clamped it’s glossy white claws and looked around confused. It thought it had been called out for a battle, when really it was called out for protection..

“Just look out for me. Can you do that?” Atreyu asked not trying to sound like a smart arse. Scizor nodded and stood at the ready. Its red armor was extremely shiny and it made Scizor look somewhat more powerful. Out of nowhere again a rock came flying at him, this time hitting him in the arm making him bleed.

“Ouch! Who in the bloody blazes threw that? Are you playing games again Chuck?” He anticipated an answer, but not a single one came.

“Ok, was it you Scizor?” Atreyu asked cautiously. The last thing he wanted was a powerful Pokemon of his turning on him. The dark red blood was now pouring out of his arm. He rushed over to the small blue pond and washed his hand off trying to get it to stop bleeding. After another minute or so another rock was furiously thrown at him. This time it passed his face and skipped across the water sending out little echo like waves.

Atreyu turned his head to see a little flash of bright metallic silver and gray run behind the rocks. He motioned for Scizor to go one way around the heap of boulders while he went the opposite way. He counted slowly and then the both thrusted forward to where the little mysterious creature had gone. To their amazement, they found nothing. They each returned puzzled looks and walked back around to meet up with Chuck and Pikachu.

Chuck had dirt all over his but his laptop back managed to keep looking new astonishingly. He sighed and sat down on a rock.

“What’s wrong with you Chuck?” Atreyu asked.

“Nothing, nothing at all. It seems this cave is pretty much freaking dead!.” He ended the sentence with a good bit of anger in his voice.

“I’m sort of mad too. There’s something throwing rocks at me and I can’t find it.” Chuck looked at him with a glimpse of amazement.

“I told you it wasn’t me. I’ll help you find the culprit but though.” They exchanged smiles and starting walking off. Then another rock came flying at Atreyu but landed shortly behind him. This time Scizor was right behind the Pokemon and able to stop the Pokemon from going anywhere else.

“Good job Scizor! Show him a good Steel Wing!” Atreyu commanded excitedly. Scizor flew high above the steel plated Aron and jolted down. Aron was way smarter than he looked, just like Chuck. He moved at the last second and managed to shove Scizor enough to knock him down. Scizor slid across the cave floor scratching his outer red metallic cover.

“C’mon Scizor! We can do this!” Scizor hovered above the armadillo look alike and starting glowing red. Soon he was so bright, he looked like a miniature nova. The Aron looked scared and starting kicking up mud. It was ineffectively hitting Scizor and bouncing off. Now he was like a newly waxed car, except more dangerous.

Scizor let out a gut busting roar and suddenly he went from one to about ten. Now there were ten hovering red armored plated bugs hovering around it. It started launching more rock and mud balls hitting the clones and taking them out. Scizor flew with great speed and managed to confuse the Aron and managed to land a steel wing on it. Aron flew off the ground and landed on the rocky hard cave ground. It rose back up with some slight discomfort and starting running very rapidly at Scizor.

It managed yet another tackle, but this time it didn’t knock Scizor down. Scizor threw out it’s right claw and starting bashing the little creature using multiple Metal Claws. It stopped after landing about fifty or more to see if the little one could handle any more. It dropped to the ground so fast and it looked like it fainted.

Scizor went up and rolled it, but the little creature wasn’t dumb. It was playing dead and dashed at Scizor unexpectedly knocking Scizor back a couple of feet. For a small creature, this thing sure could take a lot of hits.

“You can do this Scizor. A couple Fury Cutters should do the trick.” Scizor stood up and walked over the tough little plate of walking steel and starting swiping down. One after one the blows landed and they got stronger each time until the little creature finally fell. Atreyu whipped off a Poke ball and whizzed it at the Aron. It shot out a little lighting bolt of red and zapped the creature in. The ball wiggled once, twice,……

-O
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  #3  
Old 01-30-2007, 05:26 AM
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Default Re: Partners in Crime!!! (Finshed and ready to Grade!)

My story was graded, so I have returned.

Story: You should see my grade for Bulbachu's "Rock Hard Feelings" ... as I said in that one, there are ways to get an Aron besides going to Granite Cave, even though it might not "stick" to the Pokemon universe. The story was good enough, and although I'm tired of the entire Granite Cave thing, it was still written alright, and everything here was fine for an Aron. Camping at the cave and finding one works, I suppose.

On a different note, I find it awesome that your character is named Atreyu. Have you ever seen The Neverending Story?

Spelling/Grammar: The only thing I noticed was that you missed commas a few times. There were a lot of sentences like this ...

Quote:
“Ouch! Who in the bloody blazes threw that? Are you playing games again, Chuck?”
There should be one after 'again', which I added in here. Maybe they are optional in things like this, but I think it's more grammatically correct to have one here. Anyway, look through some of your pieces of dialogue, and you'll find other places where they should be. Everything else looks perfect, otherwise. I don't see any spelling or grammar errors to speak of, so good job.

Length: It seems like just enough for the metal ... thing.

Detail/Description: Your details were good and everything, and they were great for Aron, but my only complaint is that you find "better" words for ones that you seemed to use over and over again in this story. For instance, when you are describing the main character, you use the word 'brown' a lot to describe his looks. There is also 'chocolate' and 'auburn', and a few other words you could be using. A thesaurus could help you pick out words to help freshen your story up. To me, the constant use of things like 'brown', 'gray' and 'green' just made things too repetitive. It's important that your story doesn't sound dull to the reader, or it will just flop.

Battle: Interesting choice for attacks, and you described them well. Aron didn't have much of a chance, but at least he went down with style. Although it just seemed like you used Steel Wing and Fury Cutter, I have no complaints. Like the rest of your writing, there's nothing terrible about this section. The details made this come alive, so give yourself a pat on the back for making them so vivid - this was probably the best part of your story.

Outcome: Aron Captured! - Just a few grammar and plot issues, mostly.
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Old 01-30-2007, 10:21 PM
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Default Re: Partners in Crime!!! (Finshed and ready to Grade!)

To answer your first question, yes I have the Neverending Story. One of the greatest movies in my opinion. Atreyu is a simply astounding character and the name just kind of stuck. Thanks for the grading! I'm really surprised it passed. Again, thanks for the grading!

-O
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