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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 01-29-2007, 12:03 AM
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Default Bubonic Onix!

Walking down the road towards the Cerulean City Gym, Michael smiled broadly. He had just beaten Brock and gotten the Pewter Gym Badge, and he had never been happier. Not only did he have a badge, he also had caught another pokemon, leaving him with three pokemon, a very good start on his journey. Absent-mindedly, he ran his fingers over the three pokeballs at his waist as he walked, wondering whether he would use Golemn, Electabuzz, or Wingull first when he fought against Misty.
"Come on team lets go before anyone sees us." said one of the mysterious people "Lets get this Onix back to the boss before he shouts at us again."

Michael then saw a huge metal cage and inside the cage was a Onix panicking and shouting in pain.

"Team Go!" They shouted.

"Hmmm i wonder what there doing" said Michael as he was thinking about his strategy to beat Misty in Cerulean City Gym.

As Michael was walking to the entrance of Mt Moon two of the Mysterious men was blocking the entrance.

"Hey can you move because i want to get to Cerulean City fast." Michael said angrily.

"Mind you own bees wax kiddo." said this man who looked sort of like the people who he saw on television the other day about stealing pokemon.

"I know now your Team Rocket!" Michael shouted in angry."Your does people who have been stealing pokemon!"

"Hey kid not so loud ok?"Said one of the Team Rocket Members."Ok if you stop shouting i will et you through ok? Also is you get through don't touch anything or I'll get the whole Team Rocket team on you ok?"

"Umm ok..." Michael said. "Well let me through then , also what were you doing with that Onix it looked like it was in pain."

"Hey your lucky I'm letting you through so no more questions"

"Ok ok.."Michael said.

Michael went through the Cave entrance but he could hardly see anything in side, then he remembered the HM Brock gave him for his journey in Mt Moon, it was HM Flash he taught TM Flash to Electabuzz.

"Electabuzz come out." Michael said.

In a flash of red light Electabuzz the lighting pokemon came out of his pokeball and used the move flash, Electabuzzes flash was so bright that Michael couldn't even see anything and had glare in his eyes the whole time in Mt Moon. He went around and around searching for an exit but he could not find one then the saw a bunch of ladders so he decided to climb down the middle one and then what he saw was the worst thing you could ever see as a pokemon trainer and it was that Onix he saw before it was being tortured and test like a lab rat and when Michael saw it he had this hate in his heart as he wanted to kill every single team rocket guy.

"Hey stop that, can't you see that Onix is hurt?" Michael said

"Hey what are you doing her your a kid and you don't seem to be in Team Rocket" Said a Rocket grunt

"Let that Onix it doesn't belong to you if you treat it that way!" Michael shouted."You Team Rocket people don't derserve to get pokemon you do know that millions of people around the world has always wanted a pokemon but either there too poor or where they live it doesn't support there pokemons habitat, you people make me sick so Stop harming that Onix know"

"Hey inspiring words there kid but what are you going to do? Theres about 10 of us and only 1 of you." said the Grunt

"Well" Michael hesitated. "I will battle you and i know that i will not lose."

"A battle you say against all of us?"said the Grunt. "Your on kiddo."

"Ok Go Golem, Electabuzz and Wingull now!!!!!!!!" Michael shouted as he threw his pokeballs in the air.

In a Flash of Red light all of Michaels pokemon were out in front of him.

"Those weak little pokemon" The Grunt laughs "Hey you guys don't even need to battle i will finish off in 1 move."

"Ok now go Golbat, Houndoom and Murkrow." the Grunt said.

"Golem use magnitude!Wingull water gun Houndoom and Electabuzz show Murkrow a full blast Thunderbolt!" Michael shouted as he punched his fist into the air.

Golem smashed his massive hands on the ground making huge shock waves staright to Houndoom and a Air attack from Wingull taking in a huge breath and shoting out Bullets of water from its mouth and then it was Electabuzz having sparks run through his body he was ready and charged up to unleash a massive Thunderbolt.
The Grunts pokemon were all knocked out except for one and that was Golbat but a quick Hyper Beam from Golem finished it off.

"No, My pokemon!" said the Grunt.

"You derserved that as you treat you pokemon so badly." Michael said." Now let that Onix go or else."

Then a mysterious figure in black came out of the shadows.

"Or Else what boy?" this Mysterious figure said.

He didn't look like a normal Team Rocket Grunt or Officer he looked mroe Powerfull and Demanding

"Who are you?" Michael asked.

"I?" He said. " I am Giovanni the leader of Team Rocket ,and you are?"

" I am Michael for Pallet Town" Michael answered. "What are you doing to that Onix can't you see its hurt?"

"What we are doing to that Onix is none of your buisness and you not barge into my base and start rambling crazy words at my workers" Giovanni said.

"Just stop hurting that Onix!!" Michael shouted even louder.

"Guards dispose of this young boy" Giovanni said.

Then two buff guards came up to Michael and grabbed him

"No let me go!" said Michael

The Onix was watching Michael the whole time and then with the power in him it banged his head onto the steel bars on the cage and broke the cage into peices

"Some one Calm the Onix!" Giovanni said.

But the Onix had his sight on Michael and he used Iron tail to ward off the Guards and then told Michael to get on his head , so Michael did and Onix took him underground. Onix dug and dug until then he found an Exit and then Michael realised he was in Cerulean City and he said Good bye to Onix and hoped to see him again.
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~TE

Last edited by Ketamine; 01-30-2007 at 10:13 PM.
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  #2  
Old 01-29-2007, 01:29 AM
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Default Re: Bubonic Onix! ---Finished Ready to Be Graded---

As Michael gets to Cerulean City the first thing he finds is its Gym.

"Hello Misty? Are you there?"Michael asked.

"Yes Im here! Who are you and what are you here for?" Misty asked as well.

"Im Michael from Pallet Town asking for a Gym Battle."

"Well i can't really battle you at the moment as my Gym needs power and the Power Plant is down at the moment and they need people to help them fix it." Misty said.

"Well how long you think it would take?" Michael asked.

"I don't know but if you can help them it might take less time" Misty said.

"Really" Michael said. "Ok i will go and help them. But where is the Power Plant?"

"Its a short surf away from Lavaridge Town." Misty Answered.

As Michael travelled to the Power Plant outside it he saw Team Rock lead by Giovanni again. Michael then entered the Power Plant and he saw that all the workers there were Harassed by Team Rocket and there pokemon.

"Hey look its that kid again." said one of the Grunts." Hey what are you doing here and why are you always meddling in our plans?"

"I came here to help the Power Plant workers finish there job but when i saw you guys.." Michael said

"Giovanni that kids from Mt. Moon is here again." Said a Grunt.

"What? His back?" Giovanni said.

"Giovanni what do you want from us?" said the Power Plants Owner.

"We Team Rocket want World Domination thats what we want and this Power Plant is just a bit of it." Giovanni said.

"Well I'm here to stop it leave this Power Plant now!" Michael said.

"Well no we will not leave and you can not make us leave unless you win a pokemon battle against all of us." said Giovanni

"Ok i will battle you all." Michael said.

"Ok then Go Pokeballs!" Giovanni said as he threw 6 pokeball in the air.

Giovanni himself had 6 pokemon Michael thought that he could not defeat him on his own.
So the Power Plant workers Joined into the battle and threw all there pokeballs in as well.

"Grunts! Lets battle." A Team Rock Officer said.

Then all the Grunts of Team rock threw all there pokeballs in the Air as well. The battle was huge and there was lots of explosions Giovanni battled like he was the Master of all pokemon but in the end the last 6 Pokemon standing was Michaels pokemon and 3 of Giovannis Pokemon.

"So kid its only me and you now." Giovanni said

"Go Golem Explosion!!!!" Michael shouted in fury.

Golem then charged up and in a huge Bang golem explouded knocking Michael out and also Knocking all of Giovannis pokemon out. The battle was over with no winner and the Power Plant was destroyed. The next thing Michael new was that he was in Cerulean City Pokemon Center.

"Nurse Joy were are my pokemon?" Michael said in a weak voice.

"Your pokemon are fine. They are resting." Joy said.

"What happened?" Michael asked.

"Well i don't really know aswell." Nurse Joy said." I was making the beds in the Pokemon center when i heard a loud crash and then i saw there was an Onix and on his head you were sleeping unconscious."

"Onix? He saved me?" Michael asked.

"Well yes i think he and Onix is waiting outside for you as well."Nurse Joy Said.

Michael then went outside of the Pokemon Center to see if Onix was really there and yes Onix was there.

"Onix you saved me." Michael said." I want to thank you. Will do join my Team for our journeys?"

Onix looked like it wanted to say yes but instead he wanted a battle.

"A battle?" Michael said feeling a lot better." Yes ok a Battle then."

"Well I'll use Wingull." Michael said. "Wingull go."

"Wingull water Gun now!" Michael said.

Wingull flew up and aimed a big blast of water straight at Onix but what amazed Michael was that Onix Dodged it by using Iron Tail at the water. Then in a sudden move Onix Re-directed its Iron tail on to Wingull and hitting Wingull on the Chest and it was a Critical hit. Wingull was tired and had little energy left but it kept fighting.

"Wingull Nooo!" Michael shouted." Try another Water Gun."

Wingull flew up with its last bit of energy let and used Water Gun but Wingull was soo tired that the Attack that hit Onix was like rain dropping on someones head. Then Onix used Bite on the tired Wingull and KOed it.

"Wingull NOOOOOOO!" Michael shouted. " You did well Wingull, Return."

In a Flash of Red light Wingull returned to its Pokeball.

"Well Onix your stronger than i expected." Michael said. " But your going down now.Go Golem!"

Golem came out of his pokeball ready to fight.

"Golem Earthquake."Michael said.

The Earthquake attack was a direct hit but it didn't do much damage on Onix. In a split second Onix disappeared and all Michael knew about was it used Dig.

"Golem watch for movement." Michael said.

Then a little sound was heard the sound became louder and louder and then until a big CRACK and Golem goes flying in the air.

"Golem noo, are you ok?" Michael asked.

Golem seemed ok it took some heavy damage though.

"Now Golem use Brick Break" Michael said.

Golem went up to Onix but Onix used wrap on Golem. The wrap was hurting Golem dearly but then with a little space Golem squeezed out and used a Karate Chop like attack straight to Onix's Head and Onix was almost knocked out. But then a shine came from Onix's tail and Michael knew it was going to use Iron Tail and one more direct hit to Golem would mean that this battle would be over.

"Golem wait for my call." Michael said.

As Onix was about to hit Golem with its iron tail Michael said.

"Now Golem Grab its tail and Seismic Toss!" Michael Shouted with passion.

Golem then grabbed Onix's Tail and swung him around in circles three times before Golem slammed Onix back down to earth.

"Yes Onix is unable to battle!"Michael said. "Pokeball Goo!"

Michael threw a pokeball at Onix in a flash of red Onix was in its pokeball the pokeball wobbled Once...Twice and Onix __________________


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End story i know its bit short soo sorry
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~TE
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  #3  
Old 01-30-2007, 06:20 PM
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Default Re: Bubonic Onix! ---Ready to Be Graded---

Introduction: Your introduction does give background on your character, but it's all squeezed together, as though it's 'outside' the rest of the story. Try to blend your introduction. Show us, don't tell. Don't say After beating Brock in Pewter City Gym Michael is on his way to Cerulean Gym to get another badge for this collection and dream of having all 8 Kanto badges. Michael now has 3 pokemon his Golem , Electabuzz and Wingull.

Try something like this, to show those details instead of just listing them:
Walking down the road towards the Cerulean City Gym, Michael smiled broadly. He had just beaten Brock and gotten the Pewter Gym Badge, and he had never been happier. Not only did he have a badge, he also had caught another pokemon, leaving him with three pokemon, a very good start on his journey. Absent-mindedly, he ran his fingers over the three pokeballs at his waist as he walked, wondering whether he would use Golemn, Electabuzz, or Wingull first when he fought against Misty.



Plot: A boy goes to beat a gym, finds Team Rocket hurting an onix, ignores them as he goes to fight Misty, talks to them when they get in his way and is allowed to go into a cave, stops Team Rocket when they hurt Onix again, helps fix the Power Plant, fights TR again, and then tries to catch Onix.

Grammar: This really hurt you. Seriously, running this through a spellchecker quickly, then fixing your grammar, would have helped. This story is difficult to read because of the grammar errors, and at some points, you don't bother to capitlize 'i'. This really needs improvement.

Detail: For an Onix, you need more detail. The idea was good- I liked how your character didn't immediately jump to Onix's rescue before knowing who TR was, it was more realistic- But plenty of things could have been described better. For example, what the Onix looked like, what the cave was like, and, especially, what happened when he taught his pokemon Flash? Did it take a while to learn? Did it accept the HM and just suddenly know how to use the move? You need to flesh this story out more.

Battle: The battle was alright, but a bit hard to read because of the grammar, etc.

Length: Too short. An Onix should be between 20-30K. You have under 12K. A little bit of missing length is fine, I know I've been guilty of it myself, but 8K is far too short.

Overall:
Your grammar needs a lot of work. Once you fix that, just add a bit more detail and up the length, and this will be good. The plot was an interesting idea, and dealt with in a more realistic way- Your character didn't magically know who TR were and jump to Onix's defense at first, which I liked, since he had no way to know they meant badly at first- but it needs some editing before I can approve it. Onix Not Captured.
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