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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 01-29-2007, 12:56 AM
Legendary Wolf Offline
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Default A Thundery Experience

Well my first book is blue like my writing remember First Book before you all go Bonkers!

__________________________Chapter one__________________________

I woke up one morning with a start. Jack was a nice man smooth clothes Green and a light Purple his baseball cap straight forward as he stared around...Jack went over to his campsite and saw something run. Jack ignored like really was something going to scare him “No”. Not before long he saw it again this time something on it’s back. Jack stood up it was still dark but he could plainly see the Electric creature. The Mareep ran Jack ran after it. He couldn’t see it anymore. The thunder creature was gone.

“Why was the Mareep there?” “What did it want?” Questions were bugging him all over like a pesky mosquito. Jack had returned to his site in order to get ready to hike on. Jack packed up even though he was alone he carried two tents with him incase the other one fell, broke, etc…

Jack was almost up the hill when he heard something a “Whoosh” and then a rustle of the leaves” Jack turned there again was the Mareep…. It looked scared but scared of what. The Mareep came closer then began to go back to the trees. Again answers swallowed up his thoughts about Mareep but as seeing a pokemon two times in a row wasn’t a big deal he moved on into the deep forest

To Jack the forest was deep and lighter than most stories it appeared with a slight breeze that no person would care to pay attention to. The Dark Green trees filled with pokemon mostly bugs occasionly there was a little Clefairy wondering around cluelessly seaching for a warm place.


It was getting darker as Jack approached the next town. When John reached the town of Rifif he silently went to the Pokemon Center. He asked Nurse Joy if he could stock up on food for the travels. After he went to the little room he had he feel asleep without a sound…

The next morning was easy to do he left straight away. Jack looked around “Hey that looks like a trainer” he thought. Jack walked over “ You’re a trainer right?” Jack asked. “Well Yes I am and not to brag but im pretty good” he replied. “Well then let’s battle for fun,” Jack said. “Okay prepare to lose then” The trainer was shorter then Jack but looked alot more rough with his baseball cap backwards with his all black clothes shining in the light.

The battle started immediately “Remember this is just for fun and a one on one” Jack began “Whatever” he interrupted and sent out a Donphan. “Well this is going to be short” Jack thought and pressed the little button that sized the ball and released what was inside. A Purple Lapras had came out ready to go.

“Hey that’s cheating” called out the trainer. “Well sorry I only have Water Pokemon” Jack called back. “Fine whatever Donphan use Rollout” he commanded, “Hey what’s your name mines Jack just to lets ya know “Mines Rob and why are we discussing this?” “Sorry I just wanted to know” Jack said “Boom” Donphan had hit Lapras critically. “Okay let’s get back to this Lapras use Water Gun along with Ice Beam” Rob had no chance to react. A giant Icicle had hit Donphan back. Now it was even again.
“Lapras use Hydro Pump” the ferry pokemon had let out a huge amount of Water at the Donphan it hit. Donphan was out for the count. Good Game Rob as Jack put out his hand as to congratulate Rob. Rob didn’t buy it Donphan was back in his pokeball. But no one else was there No one.

Jack thought Yes he had won and pretty well if he said so himself. Jack started back on the trail "That was a nice break" he thought. Jack went back on his way to the light forest waiting for surprises to pop out.

He heard rustling of leaves and then he saw the Mareep it started at him with its dark Blue eyes, Jack thought about it “Well you could be a nice addition to my team of pokemon… How about a battle then we’ll see.

The Mareep got ready it shocks coming all over his body “Let’s go Dewgong lets have some fun” Jack commented. Mareep gave no time Mareep attacked with Thundershock sending waves through Dewgong’s body. After the shock was completed its task little static’s went over Dewgong body Dewgong was paralyzed… Come on Dewgong with a Take Down Dewgong also accomplished his task but slower which caused him to hit less hard. The Mareep ran at Dewgong and hit Dewgong with Tackle Dewgong looked hurt and he was paralyzed… Okay let’s finish thins Dewgong use Take Down Dewgong had hit the Mareep with all her force the Mareep looked hurt…Okay Go Pokeball the red and white ball engulfed the creature Jack waited for the little sound after the shacking.

Last edited by Legendary Wolf; 01-30-2007 at 09:04 PM.
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Old 01-29-2007, 11:02 PM
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Galleon Offline
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Default Re: A Thundery Experience(Ready for Gradeing)

Sorry, Firefly, too late.

First off, you've got a number of fundamental things to work on here. You started the story out with 'I woke up..." but then you move the story to this 'Jack' person, never explaining any kind of connection. And after that, you mention a 'John' for a moment, but then switch back to 'Jack'. Come on, which is it? If the story is about you, then stick with I; if it's about Jack, then stick with Jack, etc. Not to put you down, but that's a pretty careless mistake, showing me you didn't really put much effort into the story.

Furthermore, there's pretty much no description of any kind. What does I/Jack/John look like? What does this random trainer look like? What does the forest look like? Were the trees full with leaves or barren from winter? Was it windy? Was it sunny? Paint me a picture of what's going on.

Also, there's pretty much no actual plot beyond 'someone' battling a trainer and a Mareep. Granted, good plots are much more difficult to create, but if you're struggling for ideas, then just look around you. A good plot can come from one of two basic things: thinking or inspiration. Take a look at some of the other stories around here, particularly from some authors like DaRkUmBrEoN, Megumi, SiberianTiger, TheScottMan, just to name a few. There are some great examples of what a story can really be, so I suggest you utilize those resources.

And lastly, it's just too short for a Mareep. A Mareep should be more in the range of 5-10 K, as indicated in the The Big List of URPG Pokemon. There's wiggle room for that, but none of the other elements in your story give you an advantage for that...

This might look a bit disconcerting to you, but it's just how things start out. It doesn't mean that you're a bad writer; it just means you need to put more effort into your writing. It's not meant to be personal; it's meant as a critique to help you improve.

Mareep Not Captured.

Last edited by Galleon; 01-29-2007 at 11:13 PM.
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Old 01-30-2007, 12:45 AM
Legendary Wolf Offline
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Default Re: A Thundery Experience(Ready for Gradeing)

Thanks for the gradeing I'll fix it right away do you think I should deleate the last part the battle or just add stuff in front of the battle for Mareep?

Edit:I got some of it done the long part will come later

Last edited by Legendary Wolf; 01-30-2007 at 09:05 PM.
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