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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 01-27-2007, 04:25 AM
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Default It's a Superhero, It's a deathstar, its a... Hoppip?

Pokemon to get: Caterpie

Theme: Every little boy's dream is to get his first pokemon. A big, strong, scary one, preferably. But when one little boy comes late, he ends up with a surprise that turns out to be less exciting than he'd hoped.

"I'm here! I'm here!" Ben yelled, darting into Professor Miro's house. "I'm- Ohhh, I'm late!" He said, spotting three trainers, all with shiny new pokeballs, sitting in a half circle. The three were listening to Professor Miro, who had been in the middle of giving them advice for their journeys.

"Please wait outside, Ben." The professor said coolly, and Ben's heart fell. He had agreed to go celebrate getting his license with his friends, even knowing they were always late... And the party had run half an hour late.

After pacing outside the door for twenty minutes, Ben nearly flung himself inside the moment the other three trainers left. There, Professor Miro waved him to a chair with a disappointed look.

"I'm sorry, Professor, I really meant to be on time this time." Ben said, but before he could launch into an excuse, the professor interrupted him.

"I don't have any more starter pokemon. However, since I promised you one, I'll lend you one of my pokemon, and you may catch your own starter." The professor said.

"Thank you." Ben responded, when he could speak again. He'd been shocked, expecting the professor to tell him he'd have to wait a year, that if he was so irresponsible, he needed to wait longer than that even, perhaps. "Thank you so much!"

Professor Miro had many pokemon, but Ben had only seen five of them, all rock types, so he was sure the pokemon he was given to borrow would be plenty tough. Personally, he was hoping for the Profesor's amazing Onix, though he doubted the man would want to give it away.

Taking the pokeball he was offered without a word of question, he dashed outside, towards the caves a block away. He was determined to catch a rock type as his first pokemon.

Finding a rock type proved to be difficult, however. He couldn't go far into the cave, because it was too dark for him to see, and the rock types seemed to know this. The one he encountered, a Geodude, simply slipped back into the shadows with a snort, ignoring the would-be trainer.

Two hours later, Ben was ready to give up. The boy slunk out of the entrance of the cave into the bright sunlight. Pulling his backpack off, he carelessly slung it on the ground, then thought twice about that, and fished out his lunch carefully. The sandwich was a bit mashed, but otherwise, there was no harm done.

As he began to devour the PB&J, however, an apricorn fell on his head. Scowling- It was just his luck that on top of everything else, this would happen- He flung the thing away, moving over slightly. The second time one fell, however, he realized it was intentional.

As he glanced up into the tree, Ben spotted a Caterpie. The bug was slowly eating the middles of the apricorns, then flinging the empty shells down at him.

"Oi, cut it out!" Ben snapped, flinging the apricorn back at Caterpie. The pokemon moved alarmingly fast for a bug, using Stringshot to cover the Apricorn, then pluck it from the air neatly. When it went to drop it on Ben again, the boy got angry, but then remembered he had a pokemon.

"You're gonna get it now." He told Caterpie with a smug smile. "I've got a rock type in here. It'll cream you!"

Pulling out the pokeball, he yelled, "Go, -!" Then stopped mid shout, shocked. Before him sat a tiny hoppip, entirely ordinary aside from its minute size. Even for its species, it was small.

"Ho-Hoppip?" Ben moaned, glancing at the pokemon. This time, however, rather than flinging things at him, Caterpie lowered itself from the tree by its string, glaring angrily at him. "Oh, there's no way I'm letting a bug intimidate me." Ben decided, though with only hoppip, he felt helpless. What were hoppip's moves, anyway?

"Um... Leech seed." Ben said, and had to repeat himself. He had spoken too quietly for Hoppip to hear. This time, however, Hoppip obeyed him, covering Caterpie in the fast-blooming seeds. They had the added bonus of restricting its movement, so the pokemon couldn't attack. Pleased, though he still wished he had a rock type, Ben tried to think of another move.

"Ah.. Razor leaf?" He asked, but Hoppip only glanced at him with a pitying look. By the time he'd run through six more moves, that look turned to irritation. However, as he tried to ask about a seventh, Hoppip hit him with her tail.

"Hey!" Ben complained, then looked where she was pointing her tail. As he had been trying to think of moves, Leech Seed had slowly sapped Caterpie into unconciousness. "Oh. Oh!" He said, and fumbled for a pokeball. Finding one, he threw it quickly at Caterpie.

"Hey... You're not half bad." He said to Hoppip, giving a slight half-smile. "I want to be a Rock trainer, but maybe a Hoppip and a butterfree could add a little varietyy to my team."

Last edited by FireflyK; 01-28-2007 at 06:29 PM.
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Old 01-28-2007, 05:16 PM
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Default Re: It's a Superhero, It's a deathstar, its a... Hoppip? *DONE, needs grading*

Grammar: Okay, I’m going to have to nitpick, because there aren’t too many here.

What you said: “The three were listening to Professor Miro, who had been in the middle of giving them advice for their journeys.”

What’s Wrong: Well, you see, it’s technically not wrong. But still, try to avoid sentences like that this could confuse the reader, sure you should make it detailed, but that doesn’t mean you should make the reader read the line twice to get it (I lost three seconds, thank you very much XD). There are many other ways to do this, I’ll allow you to think of how else you could have done it :-P.

Also, when you have quotes that … Well, like, “That’s right!” he said. Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t you need a comma after the quote? “That’s right,” he said. Because otherwise it’s two sentences, and making a sentence start with “The professor said coolly” doesn’t work.

Also, try to make your paragraphs longer. They should be a little smaller, sure, but they’re a little bit too small … Capitalize Pokémon, btw, and Poké Ball, and all that other stuff.

Story: Really simple, though that’s what easiest is for. Go check out someone, go on a hunt, catch the Pokémon. Sadly enough, the story in this is a lot more complex then the normal easiest Pokémon catches though, so it works for me.

Battle: Short, yes. Though it’s well thought out, the battling in this story still seemed to be a little bit like a gameboy battle. What that means is it’s back and forth, move versus move. Try to think outside of the box, the best example is easily anime. Though Ash can’t battle worth a pooh, how the battles are done are more … realistic, which is something you won’t get often from me.

What you wan to do is have them attack whenever they want, it’s not like they’d wait for the other one, ya know? Picture it in your mind and then type it out, explain how your Pokémon used it, how it effected the environment and your enemy (is it bleeding? Is it mad? Etc.) Also, try to use strategies with your battles, always make the enemy uber strong :-P.

Descriptions: Pretty good, especially for an “Easiest.” Sure, there could be tons more, but you still did well. But remember to explain how your character looks, how your Pokémon looks, the environment, especially the battles ! Oh, yeah, and you can describe personality as well, that’s also descriptions.

Length: Fine for a Cat, I guess :-/

Outcome: Cat … errrr …. Pie CAPTURED

Tips for next time…

-Congrats, but I expected better and I will next time :-P.

"God, my brilliance is now somewhat of a burden. Get back to me."

Last edited by Dr Scott; 01-28-2007 at 05:29 PM.
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