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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 12-16-2006, 02:51 PM
Lordmad11's Avatar
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Default The Four Kings

“Wait!”

The cry echoed around the corridor, as a large Tyranitar stormed through. He was angry and the look on his face showed it all,

“What” Shouted the obviously distressed Tyranitar.

There was no reply instead a sound that sounded awfully like someone flushing the chain. It became louder and louder until it came apparent that the flushing chain sound was actually water rushing towards the Tyranitar.

“Nooooo!” Shouted the Tyranitar as it was overwhelmed by water.

The water was not alone though; riding it was a huge Gyarados. Its body though was not a deep, sparkling blue. But a sharp red colour, glowing in the darkness of the corridor.

“Charpclone are you alright?” Asked the Gyarados, with a huge amount of sarcasm.

The Tyranitar roared as it was cleared of the water. But the Gyarados was ready. It shot a huge beam of light in Charpclones way. It was obviously a hyper beam and it hit its target. The Tyranitar fell to the ground.

It didn’t move, and the Gyarados had a large smirk on its face.

“One down two to go”

The Gyarados used another surf making its way back to the pool chamber where he lived mostly.
They will find him, and they will look for the killer. And the direction will be wrong.
The Gyarados snuffled an evil laugh before entering his chamber.

Chapter 1

The Truth


There was once no humans on earth and there was just pokemon. Four kings ruled over the pokemon. There was the Tyranitar Charpclone, Typhlosion Metal, Gyarados Fourpin and the Venasaur Owl.

They lived in peace and harmony for two years before Fourpin wanted more. He wanted to rule the country on his own so he began to bend the rules. They all lived in a massive palace named, Stone Wall, built by the mightiest Onix. They lived in separate chambers each fitted for their own needs. The pokemon trusted each other, which was where it all went wrong. Owl and Fourpin were the smartest of the kings and they understood that one day the four kings would be replaced. But little did they know that it would be so soon.

Fourpin began to pick of each King one by one. Charpclone was first, and then it would be Metal. Fourpin knew that both Owl and Metal had children that put him of at first, but the bright red Gyarados carried on with his plan. He had too.

“Meeting! Meeting!” Squawked a Noctowl as it flew up and down the corridors.

Pictures of Metal and Owls children were hung here and the floor was carpeted red. But the floor was a deep crimson red and damp to the touch. Noctowl did not realise this for it flew up and down the corridor disliking walking.

Owl was the first up and he immediately noticed the damp floor.

“Fourpin!” Roared the great Venasaur.

There was no reply and as Owl walked across the corridor he was shocked. A river was built by all passages for Fourpins travels, but it seemed as though he hadn’t used it. All Fourpin had to do was hit a button inside his chamber and it transformed. Venasaur used A Vinewipe to knock and Fourpin opened by pressing a button. Owl looked up at the towering, bright red Gyarados.

“Fourpin, the floor is wet.”

Fourpin looked genially shocked but Owl could see through that disguise.

“I can see that.” The Gyarados replied with cheek.

Owl glared at Fourpin,

“Why?” Questioned an annoyed Owl.

Fourpin sighed and swam to the end of his chamber and back. It was extremely cold inside his chamber, even though the water was warm. The chamber was lit with fire torches that danced in the gloomy darkness. The Gyarados shone out as if a light had ignited within him.

“I have no real idea great Owl” Fourpin replied calmly.

Owl snorted but abandoned the conversation. He couldn’t put up with this and he hadn’t seen Charpclone. Owl walked down the sodden corridor, he looked up at the picture of his son Gladiator. A tall proud Bulbasaur stood, looking at the Smeargle with apparent interest.
Owl sighed; he hadn’t seen his son in 5 years. He would have grown up immensely, probably already evolved. Owl turned his head to the opposite side of the corridor and looked at Metals proud Daughter Ember. She stood with dignity, her head held proud and her stature pronounced and apparent. She was older then Owls son for she was already a Quilava.

Owl was interrupted though by a sudden change in the air. A hot burned feeling. There was a black scorch mark on the carpeted floor. And close by lay a stiff Tyranitar obviously Charpclone. Owl gasped for he did not move.
“What!!!” Shouted the distressed, angered and saddened Owl.

Charpclone had been a close friend of Owls and by the apparent way that he lay, he looked beaten and dead.

Someone has done this on purpose. And whoever did this shall pay

Owl’s thoughts were interrupted by a squawking high above. Noctowl fluttered dazed looking down at Charpclone.

“Quickly, Noctowl, get help!” Commanded the huge Venasaur.

The Noctowl quickly flew away, leaving a dazed Owl weeping over his friend.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

So This is how long the Chapters are going to be because I do not have a lot of time to write these. Also this is my first fan fict. Yay me
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  #2  
Old 12-17-2006, 04:34 PM
Suicune's Child's Avatar
Suicune's Child Offline
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Default Re: The Four Kings

Interesting. I'll stick with this story and give you reviews. The story itself is good and I think it's going to be very interesting but your grammar needs work. I noticed several places where you did not add any punctuation after someone spoke.

Quote:
“What” Shouted the obviously distressed Tyranitar.
There should be some kind of punctuation after what.

Quote:
“One down two to go”
You also need punctuation here. There are never any times when there doesn't have to be a punctuation mark in dialogue.

Quote:
There was once no humans on earth and there was just pokemon.
You should replace both was's with were and change just to only. Also take out and and add a comma. There were once no humans on earth, there were only pokemon.

Quote:
“I can see that.” The Gyarados replied with cheek.
This should be "I can see that," the Gyarados replied with cheek.

These are not all of the mistakes but most of the others involve lack of punctuation. Reread your chapters before posting and use spell and grammar check to help you catch mistakes. Keep writing. I look forward to the next chapter.
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Ripped from my world and tossed into the role of savior, I can't decide what's harder, ending a war destined to leave this world in ruins or fighting against my longing for home. I hate this world, I love this world, but it isn't mine. Why must I save it? Faye

My Completed Fan Fictions
My Cause|An Innocent's Revenge
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  #3  
Old 12-17-2006, 06:07 PM
Legendary Wolf Offline
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Default Re: The Four Kings

I like the story and I think that the evil Gyarados is cool is he the shiny?
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  #4  
Old 12-17-2006, 07:02 PM
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Default Re: The Four Kings

Looks like Suicune's Child got most of the errors I was going to point out. Also, "Pokemon" should usually be capitalized, since it is a proper name for the race of creatures. >< You could use more description; I can picture what's going on, but as I've told myself many times, try to describe the Pokemon as well for extra length. The main problem is punctuation concerning dialogue...

Quote:
Its body though was not a deep, sparkling blue, but a sharp red colour, glowing in the darkness of the corridor.
This should be one sentence.

Also, I've noticed that you capitalized things such as Shouted, Said, and others like that. These shouldn't be capitalized, and like Suicune's Child pointed out, you need punctuation inside of text. You're fine with exclaimation and question marks, but there need to be commas.

The story itself is just starting, but it looks like it's going to be interesting. ^^
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