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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 12-09-2006, 06:05 PM
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Wink Destiny (part I): Ice(Still in pogress, Reviews loved!)

Banner by pkmn trainer sarah. Thanks so much!
[NOTE: What you are about to read is rated PG 13 or higher. I'm 11, so, heh, i guess it sould be alright. It contains Scenes of violence, blood, minor gore, minor cusing, and lots of excitement. It is short, with chapters being no more then 3,000 charecters, however, and will take me some time to write. Regardless, Enjoy!]

The Destiny of Ice

50 years ago…
It burned. Inside of what seemed to be a solid crystal, a Fire burned. A pale blue fire burned. Yet the crystal did not burn. It was as cold as ice. The room was filled with a thin mist, and the moment my paw, My furry little brown paw, touched the stone, I was no longer an Eevee. There was still a fire in that unmelting crystal-ice. I felt dizzy, my body heavy. I stumbled, and Fell into the purple-ish water of the lake beside me.

And then I passed out.


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Last edited by Hakken; 12-15-2006 at 10:20 PM.
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  #2  
Old 12-09-2006, 06:06 PM
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Default Re: Destiny (part I): Ice

Chapter one- Aging

I stumbled a little. I was always stumbling. It was frustrating. My bones were complaining and my paws ached, Bleeding where my sleek, slippery cerulean skin met the soft, pink pads. I was also quite thirsty, Which is not a good sign for a water-type pokemon such as myself. I hated the bitter truth. I was aging quickly. Vaporeon can usually live to be about 70. I was somewhere around there, Maybe 67 or 68. Maybe I had evolved too quickly- Eeveelutions have shorter lives then regular eevee because they are exposed to radiations. My Neck bones were hurting, Probably from carrying this crystal shard. It was icy cold, and there was a fire- a real, burning fire inside of it. A blue fire- I called it the Icefire. I was not bothered by it’s coldness- I had been wearing it for 50 years, Bonded to it all this time. I could not remove it, and I did not know what it’s purpose was. I wasn’t even sure how I had come to wear it at all. It didn’t matter to me.

I decided to rest for a little while, so I slid my paws underneath my thin, lightweight torso. I shivered a little bit.

“Peter!” I heard a child’s cry. “Wait!”

“Aww, but Charlie!” I heard another child ring out. “I want to get to Lavaridge town real soon!”

A Poliwag ran down the path, barely noticing me as it’s Tail-like Fin flew behind it. Not far behind him was a Charmander, who momentarily froze when he noticed me, then darted off in pursuit of the Poliwag. I wondered why they wanted to reach Lavaridge town.

My back leg throbbed painfully as I crouched to drink from a stream that night, and I decided I’d see what food I could catch in the gently flowing creek. As I slipped into the cool, smooth water, Haven of aquatic pokemon such as myself, I noticed that there were some small, skinny fish below me- Easy prey, But not filling. After catching a few, I decided I had to move on and find a human dwelling place before nightfall. Lavaridge town was the closest place, so that is where I headed.

Tottering down the footpath, I heard something calling
“Vaporeon! Hey, you, vaporeon!”
It was a Bellosom, A young Bellosom. “Vaporeon!”

“Aroura.” I calmly corrected, continuing to limp down the pathway. “My Name is Aroura, and if you are to address me, use it.”

“Sorry! Where are you going, Aroura?”

“Wherever the water’s tide takes me.”

“So you are a wanderer?”

“Yes and no. I had a home, once. Before you were put on earth by the creator, most likely.”

“Cool!”

I turned around, almost falling onto the rocky ground, and looked the Bellosom In the eye. “No.” I said, my voice almost faltering. “It was not. I was there because I was a cute, fluffy little eevee. Not because I was loved.”

The bellosom Flinched in surprise, but still followed me as I doddered down the stony road.

It was hours of Hobbling and Staggering before I finally reached Lavaridge, And I collapsed halfway through it, Unable to force myself up. I struggled to get back up, but failed quite miserably.

And the bellosom still followed me.
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Last edited by Hakken; 12-11-2006 at 08:00 PM.
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  #3  
Old 12-11-2006, 11:48 PM
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Default Re: Destiny (part I): Ice

Chapter two- Where am I, Bellosom?

There was a light. A dim white light. That’s all I saw at first. My vision took a few minutes to adjust, unlike a few years ago. Okay, a few more then a few.


When I was able to see effectively (which was still not great!), I saw three things- a Bellosom, an Altaria, and a Cleffa.

“Wook! Wook! Da vapoleon is awak!” Cried the cleffa.

“Where am I, Bellosom?!” I Spat dryly, Unsteadily jumping up.
“You’re with your new friends!” The Altaria chattered excitedly. “I’m Alyssa! That’s Behriis(Pronounced like Berries), the Bellosom- you can call her Ri! And that Cleffa over there is Carmen!” She added, each smiling in turn.

“Hmm.” I muttered. “I have no need for friends. There is no way I could be reliable.”

“Nonsense!” Ri Said. “Everybody needs some friends.”

“Yeh!” Carmen protested.

“Want a banana?” Alyssa asked.

“She’s a bit random.” Ri added. “Anyway, If you want to go, go. I doubt you will find the strength to get to the Pokemon center, It’s a few miles away. And the hot springs are there, not to mention the sand baths. They let pokemon over there, Ya’know. After you rest, You should go there.”

“I will not be staying.” I said hastily. “The water’s tide has turned. I will leave for the mountains at moonrise.”

Puzzled, Ri turned away and began talking to Carmen.

“You won’t be able to make it.” Alyssa muttered quietly. “The mountains are dangerous. Many miles away, and hundreds of feet high. Prime-time muscle pokemon like machoke have perished in the mountains.”

Annoyed, I Flicked my tail and Limped slowly and painfully out of the place, which was a run-down apartment building.

I knew something was different about this town.
Something significant- The Icefire had spoken to me.
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Old 12-12-2006, 12:57 AM
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Default Re: Destiny (part I): Ice(Still in pogress, Reviews loved!)

I haven't read any of this yet (and I will since I'm posting) but, I can say this without having to read your story.

Each chapter is WAY too small. They should be at least 1-2 pages in word. And I will edit this post with my reviews on the story itself once I finish reading it.

^^ Nya
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  #5  
Old 12-12-2006, 01:04 AM
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Default Re: Destiny (part I): Ice(Still in pogress, Reviews loved!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by RocketMeowth View Post
I haven't read any of this yet (and I will since I'm posting) but, I can say this without having to read your story.

Each chapter is WAY too small. They should be at least 1-2 pages in word. And I will edit this post with my reviews on the story itself once I finish reading it.

^^ Nya
I did say i had a problem with small chapers in the note. XD. Can't help it... It's my style.
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  #6  
Old 12-12-2006, 01:15 AM
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Default Re: Destiny (part I): Ice(Still in pogress, Reviews loved!)

Guess I wont edit my post. Okay. My FULL review!!

Your description is very good. I liked it and I could picture a few things. But maybe try to descirbe some of the new places that your character is so the reader doesn't get confused.

As for the length, I stand by what I said. Maybe try to write longer chapters? OYu might get more readers like that.

Okay..........my biggest issue was the prologue. You basically repeated that there was a fire burning inside the crystal about 3-4 times. It got very annoying. Try to avoid repatition. It only drives your readers away.

Plot, I don't know what it is just yet but I actually would love to find out.

Originality is very high in this. I've never read any story where the main character is a 67-68 year old Pokemon that is coming towards the end of its life. I've always read stories on young Pokemon or Pokemon trainers where if there is an old character, it only appears in one chapter.

I also noticed that you had capitals where you didn't need to have them and you have camas where they weren't needed. Are you typing this up in word? It would help out a lot with these sort of things.

This story has excellent potential and its caught my attention. I normally wouldn't continue reading a story so short like this but I like it.

^^ Yeah.......I'm sure you can tell from this that I don't really do much reviewing. This is probably as in depth I can go in a review so, I apologize if what I said wasn't any help.
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  #7  
Old 12-12-2006, 10:02 AM
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Default Re: Destiny (part I): Ice(Still in pogress, Reviews loved!)

Thanks for the review. i edited the prolouge, but i won't make it longer until the end when i like to edit everything.

^^ My vaporeon doesn't get picked off until the very end of the trilogy. It would be fairly stupid if she died before that, seeing as she's the main charecter for all three. bleh.
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Old 12-12-2006, 11:47 AM
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Default Re: Destiny (part I): Ice(Still in pogress, Reviews loved!)

This chapter is tantalizingly short... oh well. meep.

Chapter three- The Icefire’s message

The three fools who thought they could befriend me were wrong- I had made it to the Pokemon center. When I got inside, of course nurse joy brought out some dry and tasteless food, and offered to treat me, but I Calmly nodded my head in a “no”. So, nurse joy asked if I wanted an aromatherapy hot-spring bath, specially made for water type pokemon, and I said “yes” in human tounge. It was a gift that I got the moment I touched the Icefire. She opened a sanitized pokemon flap and I entered a play area- Vividly colorful toys, Play mats everywhere, bubbles, Play-streams, swings, slides, and the spring.

Normallly, I would rather not go into such a childish playroom, but today it was empty so I went over to the spring- which did smell very good- and climbed into the bubbling, steaming water and relaxed a little.

It was when the Icefire touched the water, it glowed and began to burn stronger. I put my paw on to it, and closed my eyes, ready to receive whatever message it had to share…

I was in a room filled with icy crystals, which were purple and sparkly. I remembered this cavern. It was a long time ago. A very, very long time ago.

And there was me, A fluffy little eevee, cute and cuddly, walking into the icy cave, curious about it’s content. I shouldn’t have been, though. I shouldn’t have been.
The younger me touched the stone, and then transformed. I turned away in disgust.

Then, I fell into the lake. I remember that too. Somebody had pulled me out eventually. I waited for that moment in the past.

A few minutes passed and nobody came to pull the Marine fox that was me out of the lake. Then I understood- I had done it. I had pulled myself out of the lake!

Oh man.
I wasn’t sure I had the strength to pull myself- back then, when I had a home…
I was a little on the chubby side.
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Old 12-12-2006, 06:52 PM
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Default Re: Destiny (part I): Ice(Still in pogress, Reviews loved!)

Chapter 4- The Strength of the Blue Fire
PART A

I wasn’t quite sure what to do, at first. I thought for a minute. And then I figured it out.
I fired a rainbow beam that shimmered with white light at the very bottom of the lake. I just hoped it hit below myself, not hit me.

I kept it going, then switched it over to an ice beam, and finally a carefully aimed blizzard. Eventually, it froze the center of the lake into a pillar of ice- and on it was me.
Phew. I may have lost physical strength, but attacking from a distance was still a cinch. And I still had the mysterious blue fire attack…
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Old 12-12-2006, 07:25 PM
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Default Re: Destiny (part I): Ice(Still in pogress, Reviews loved!)

PART B
I just never imagined using it. But that wasn’t the case. I felt something cold on my shoulder. I turned and I saw none other than…
An angry Regice! But that wasn’t all- I saw a little Charmander and a Poliwag captive behind it! I knew I had to free those young ones. The battle was on.

First, it fired an ice beam at me, which I managed to cancel out with one of my own. Then, He hit me with an ice ball- and I was sent tumbling backwards. But I hit him- I hit him with a stream of blue fire, unlike will-o-wisp or dragon rage- it was like an aurora beam, but made of… well, blue colored fire. It exploded in I furious mix of spark, ice shards, and fire when it hit the Regice, and it fell to the ground, stained purple where the attack hit it.

The downside? Half the damage done to your opponent is done to you.
I struggled to stay on my feet so I could free those children and get to the present time.
But I couldn’t do it. A little blood trickled down my ear and I fell into unconsciousness.
(Yes, there is a part C. it's not that short.)
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Old 12-12-2006, 07:31 PM
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Default Re: Destiny (part I): Ice(Still in pogress, Reviews loved!)

Alright, I have to stop you. I know that short stories are your thing but, Part A couldn't be considered a seperate part. I highly suggest that you try to make each chapter at least just 1 page in word.

That's my only problem with this now is that it's just WAY too short. Please, I know it isn't your thing but try to make the chapters longer in the future.
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Old 12-12-2006, 08:36 PM
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Default Re: Destiny (part I): Ice(Still in pogress, Reviews loved!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by RocketMeowth View Post
Alright, I have to stop you. I know that short stories are your thing but, Part A couldn't be considered a seperate part. I highly suggest that you try to make each chapter at least just 1 page in word.

That's my only problem with this now is that it's just WAY too short. Please, I know it isn't your thing but try to make the chapters longer in the future.
^^ i'm just seperating them because if i wanted to release a soundtrack or art(I probably will put in some art) for each chapter or something in the future, i'd have to go back and divide it because it's different music and art and whatever. Yes, i read everything in the sticky section, and yes, i do listen to music while i write. it's actually a longer chapter then the other ones. Just think of the as parts one chapter.
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Old 12-12-2006, 08:55 PM
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Default Re: Destiny (part I): Ice(Still in pogress, Reviews loved!)

I'm sorry but I cant. It is WAY to short to be a part. It's only a few lines.
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Old 12-15-2006, 10:22 PM
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Default Re: Destiny (part I): Ice(Still in pogress, Reviews loved!)

I added some banners. PART C chapter 3 is taking forever though. I'll merge them into one chapter when it's done.
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