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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 04-07-2013, 08:38 PM
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Default Team Pinnace Strikes! [Ready For Grading]

Pokemon: Mantine
Length: 20110 Characters

The young girl leant back on her seat. The bar she was in was bleak and dusty, the bartender having an ominous grin pasted onto his face, as if he could hold it forever. The worst part, however, was the sheer amount of customers. Sipping from her coffee, she was surrounded by men up to 40 in age, although with the amount of drinking they had done, they looked 10 years older than that.

“Girlie, what're you doing in a dump like this?,” asked the bartender, with the intentions of kindness.

“There's a Pokemon Daycare close to here. I'm going to take them out in an hour or tw--” started the young girl, although she was quickly interrupted by vigorous shaking. Some of the more drunk visitors acted quite aggressively all of a sudden, some spurting out unclear threats and others running out screaming. The girl held onto her coffee tight to make sure it didn't drop, using her free hand to push her fair hair out of the way of her large hipster glasses.

“What was that...?,” she asked, before feeling another shake. At this point the bar was almost empty, the girl slowly walking out of the door, squinting as the light caught her eyes. The town was on the sea, windows catching the bright sun. This, however, was of no concern to her right now, as she rushed to the boardwalk, holding tight to the barrier. What she seen was both spectacular and terrifying. Three Gyrados, long dragon like Pokemon with a coat of blue scales, were pushing through the marina, quite a few sailors frantically attempting to save their boats. Puddles of water were thrown onto the waterfront every time the Gyrados emerged, causing the girl's black trench coat to become drenched with water after a short time. Sighing, she rushed off to the first place she seen – a tourist diving facility.

Forcing the door open, she was greeted with a grey-haired, bearded old man, who was dismissing the Gyrados as subtle earthquakes. “Hello, dearie! Sorry, we're closed because of earthquakes! I can place you in for some diving afterwards, though! What's your name?”

The girl was practically shouting at this point. Throwing her coat to the ground, making a point of staying, she snapped, “My name is Amelia! My coat is drenched with water and that wasn't any earthquake! There are three rampaging Pokemon out there and I want to know why! Now give me access to some scuba diving equipment!”

The old man sighed. “I suppose I can give you access, for a price. 500 Pokédollars!”

Amelia stepped back. “You want me to pay to save your sorry butt? No way!”

“Fine, then how about we settle for you catching me a Remoraid? For some reason, they're rare around these parts!”

The girl shrugged, nodding. “I don't see why not. Just give me the equipment so I can find out what's making them so angry!”

The old man walked to a cupboard, pulling out a Wetsuit and throwing it to Amelia. “Now, just bring yourself into the changing room,” he told her. She nodded, heading into it and coming out in the suit. She came back out in a minute or so, the old man leading her to a boat and driving out to sea. Surprisingly, he was excellent at this, managing to avoid every wave the three Gyrados created. He then gave Amelia the rest of the equipment, including three pokeballs. She gave him a smile, equipping the gear before going down into the water. Reaching the bottom of the sea, she was surprised with what met her – being slammed down to the ground by a panicked Mantine, a blue Pokemon resembling a manta. Getting up, she looked at what it was running from, panicking herself and following it's path as she seen the Gyrados chasing them. She quickly followed the Mantine's path, managing to just about grab onto it and pull herself onto it's back. Thanking it that it was docile, she looked round at the pokemon chasing them. It was angry, indeed, but not particularly angry at them.

Amelia soon found out, however, that the Mantine had come to a halt. Jumping off, she looked at what it had travelled to. It was a device, transmitting frequencies that only water Pokemon would hear! Picking it up, she looked up and seen another boat. Swimming up, she slammed the device against the hull of the ship until it stopped attracting Pokemon, before attaching it to her belt and swimming back down. However, one of the Gyrados was still enraged, slamming into the ship and causing it to begin to sink. Amelia began to stare in awe and terror as the dragon Pokemon swam away. “This is bad, this is bad, this is very, very bad...” she began to repeat to herself in a stuttered voice. The Mantine, much to her surprise, had decided to cooperate as well. It caught one of the men on the boat, Amelia catching another and putting him on the Mantine before swimming into the hole. Finding herself in the engine room, she rushed up to the deck, surprised to see that there was only one other man who was on the ship. She, however, ignored him for now, instead searching the whole ship for information, finding only the laminated blueprints for the device. Taking them, she grabbed the man and jumped off of the sinking ship, beginning to swim back to the boat, Mantine following. However, she wasn't greeted with a compliment. Instead, the old man was fixated on what was under the Pokemon's fin – A Remoraid had been hiding there the whole time! As soon as Amelia was on board, he pulled a Pokeball from her belt and threw it at the Remoraid, catching it and forcing her to go and grab it for him.

“So, anyway, who are these three men?,” he asked, clearly gleeful from his catch.

“Criminals,” exclaimed Amelia heroically. “They were here to bring in as much Pokemon as possible, using the device you see on my belt!”

The old man pulled it off, alongside the blueprints, looking at it carefully. “I know someone who could figure this out. You leave the rest of this to me. Now, do you want to use the rest of your hour or are you done?”

Amelia smiled faintly. “I'd like to continue on, see if there's anything interesting in the wreckage of the ship.”

The old man nodded as Amelia went back into the ocean, the Mantine following. As they reached the ocean bed and the damaged ship, Amelia began to explore. Tympole, Luvdisc and Finneon schoals had been attracted to it, now pushing their way around the engine room. Now having calmed down and not being forced to rush, she began to explore it again. Unfortunately, a lot of the electrical equipment, which she originally thought of as radios, were too damaged to be salvaged. Thus, she only brought two sealed crates to the boat, although she did find a tracker which she gave the Mantine, hoping to find it again and perhaps even catch it.

The next day, she was in a white t-shirt decorated with her favourite character from an animated TV show, donning her boots rimmed with faux Arcanine fur and her slim black jeans. Walking through town, her Pokemon back from the daycare and her Squirtle walking aside her, she travelled a multitude of stores, returning to the hotel with two bags of shopping. Sitting down and eating a chocolate bar, she picked up the tracker and checked where the Mantine was now, noticing that it was no more than three miles away. Smiling, she turned on the television and watched an auctioning show, leaning back by the large window and taking the rest of the day as a day of rest and relaxation, having no worries about losing the Mantine.

A day later, she checked the tracker once again. Five miles. Getting a little worried, she returned to the diving facility, noticing the old man was gone and an eerie looking middle-aged man had replaced him. Grinning, he skipped all of the procedures and instead bringing her straight to the boat, piloting the boat to somewhere unexpected – an oil platform! Before she could protest, she was gagged and blindfolded, the man bringing her on board and tying her hands together. Bringing her into the quarters, he pushed her down and pulled the gag off her mouth.

“What did you get from the shipwreck?,” he began to interrogate.

“A tracker, some crates, and the blueprints for that weird device,” she responded truthfully.

He nodded. “Well, you're going to stay here for a while, girly. Long enough for us to get that information back and remove any evidence you have against us, specifically.”

Pushing the gag back up and walking away, the man went back outside, although Amelia could hear their conversation.

“The old guy's locked in the changing room back on the mainland,” the man told someone.

“Good. Now that all witnesses are gone, we'll have an easy job ahead of us,” responded someone, apparently his superior. Amelia let out a muffled swear word, clearly hoping they'd state their plan. However, she had other plans. Standing up, she slowly traversed the floor, occasionally gently kicking to make sure that she wasn't walking into any walls. Finding a table, she turned around and pushed the ropes up against the edge of it, freeing her hands and allowing her to remove the blindfold and gag. Taking her glasses from the table, she slowly pushed the door open. As soon as she was out, she kicked it closed and quickly leaped behind an oil tank. The two men quickly looked to the door in surprise, one running in to see if she was still in there. She took this as an opportunity to push forward, rushing to where the boat was stationed. However, the superior of the man had heard her footsteps and was now running after her. Quickly jumping into the boat, she unharnessed it and took off. However, she didn't know how to pilot it, causing it to shake around and nearly crash into the platform's leg. Thankfully for her, she managed to reach the marina again, stopping the boat mere millimetres away from crashing into the boardwalk. Sighing in relief, she just about managed to pull back, aligning it with the other ships in the marina and returning to the diving facility, where she searched for the keys. She found them in a draw and opened up the changing room, quickly untying the old man and pulling the gag from his face.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you! You have unlimited free travels on my boats from no--”, he started, before being interrupted again.

“Sorry, but that isn't my biggest concern right now. Those guys are planning to do something with every water pokemon and I know where their headquarters are! Now, let's get in the boat already!”

The old man got up, stretched his back and walked back to the boat, Amelia clearly excited to find out the enemy's plan. Whenever they arrived, she boarded the platform again, she began to run around the borders of the ship, looking for an entrance and eventually finding one in the building containing the quarters. Walking up a stairwell, she found a room with one of their grunts, wearing a soldering mask. Worried, she hoped the noise of his iron would drown out her already quiet footsteps. By his side was a Cyndaquil, who crawled to her as if asking for freedom. Worried, she began to speed up, making it out of the door before the Cyndaquil could make a noise. Feeling guilty, she carried on, finding the two crates she had captured earlier, one containing a box of booklets and one some uniforms. Having an idea, she slipped on the uniforms, donning a blue hoodie displaying their emblem – An upside down triangle containing waves (depicted by wavy lines), representing the alchemical symbol for water. Also in the uniform were grey tracksuit bottoms and blue boots. Taking a manual, she began to read it.

The cover read 'TEAM PINNACE RECRUIT GUIDE,” and their plans read as follows:
-Capture all aquatic sealife, thus forcing workers out of a job
-Begin hiring
-Hire those who lost jobs
-Create monopoly

Amelia pocketed it, slightly annoyed and empathetic for the old man. Walking back to the solderer, looking at his work carefully. He seemed to be making more of those devices that emit signals. Suddenly, he snapped at her, “recruit, go grab me more solder and the high-frequency emitter.” Amelia quickly nodded, looking among the shelves, taking up some time trying to find them. She handed them to him.

“Thanks, rookie,” he said, his tone turning somewhat mocking whenever he stated 'rookie', as if to punctuate his superiority over her. She gave a fake smile, before walking out and hearing a call on the loudspeakers.

“ALL ROOKIES, MEET IN THE MAIN AREA WITHIN THE NEXT HALF HOUR,” it stated, Amelia quickly rushing down to keep her disguise. Whenever all rookies were sat, about 100 in size, the group leader began to speak.

“Men, as you know, we plan to capture the world's aquatic Pokemon. However, to get round to this, you will need to capture Pokemon from trainers. You will need to sabotage aquariums. Rangers will have to be avoided. Finally, of course, we have to bring them all in. You will use the sound emitters all across the world. We are only currently operating in Almia and this region, and the Rangers in Almia are halting our progress. Now, get to work and capture some water Pokemon!”

Amelia sniggered a little. She knew how to do it. She knew how to take them down.

Back in her diving suit, Amelia met up with the old man again. “Alright, I'm going to go take down Team Pinnace. Stupid name, stupid group, let's go and get some Gyrados.”

Soon after, Almia was swimming again, holding a frequency emitter. Behind her were three angry, enraged Gyrados, chasing after her. She swam around one of the pillars of the platform, the Gyrados going straight through it. She repeated this on the other three, the Platform suddenly being evacuated. Amelia looked as all the frequency emitters flooded out of the ship.

“Uh oh,” she muttered, quickly swimming to all of them and dropping the emitter she was holding, looking around, she hoped the final part of her plan would work – and it did. The Gyrados devoured them all, smashing them to pieces and digesting them without a care for the metal in them. She smirked and swam back up, watching as the platform slowly sunk, boats taking off in all directions.

The old man helped her up. “You must have saved Hundreds of Pokemon there! How'd you do it?,” he asked, surprised.

Amelia smirked. “I have plans, you know.”

The Old Man nodded. “Indeed you do, dear fellow. My name is William, incase you were interested.”

Amelia volunteered to shake his hand. “Hello, William. I'm Amelia, as you know, although if you like, you can just call me Amy.”

They shook hands, smiling to one another, before Amy turned round. “Don't go to shore yet. I have a friend I need to find.”

William looked at her curiously. “A friend? Out here?”

Amelia smiled knowingly. “She's a good friend, and I know just where I'll find her,” She stated, taking a glimpse at the tracker. Suddenly, she shouted, “LOOK OUT!”

William turned round, but was grabbed before he could react. The leader of Team Pinnace had grabbed him by the neck in one last attempt to bring down Amelia, pulling him off the boat and into the water, both their legs submerged. Amelia began to rush to the other side, but the leader threatened to go underwater. She stopped in her tracks as he smirked. “Now, You're going to go to Unova. Bring me and the old man. Nobody knows us there. Nobody will know you there. You don't have your Pokemon with you.”

Amelia took another glimpse at the tracker. “Wrong.”

The leader was confused for a second, before Mantine jumped out from below him, Amelia grabbing William's hand and pulling him aboard. “Found my friend, William,” stated Amelia, looking down at the Mantine happily.

“Alright, off to home we go!,” exclaimed William, turning on the boat's engine and returning to the marina, Mantine following. Amelia sat on the back, usnig a towel to wipe her face clean of sweat and water. She coughed a dry cough twice as she wiped the sweat from her brow. Upon returning, At least twenty officers were there, having arrested any Team Pinnace members who dared return to the marina. They grabbed the leader, Amelia sitting on the side of the dock and looking at Mantine whilst William explained what had happened to the officers.

“Hey, girl. I thought I’d see you again,” she declared, with a grin on her face. “So, how do you feel about becoming my Pokemon?,” she asked, just about to hold out a pokeball to invite Mantine, before an officer pulled her back.

“No you don't, girl. We're bringing you in for interrogation! You and your friend destroyed a whole oil platform and caused sea pollution that'll take at least a month to clean up, nevermind repairing the platform!”

Amy sulked. “I'm not going in for anything. I saved a lot of Pokemon out there and I think I deserve recognition as a hero, not some stupid destroyer!”

The officer frowned. “Fine, although you damage anything in this region again and you'll pay the price,” he growled, before walking away and waiting once again with the rest of the officers. One more boat arrived, one with the Solderer on it. He threw his mask to the ground, about to run, before spotting the officers and attempting to get back in his boat. Mantine and Amelia watched as it happened, The latter holding out the Pokeball again. “So, just jump at this if you want to be my Pokemon.”
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  #2  
Old 04-07-2013, 08:41 PM
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Default Re: Team Pinnace Strikes! [Ready For Grading]

The Mantine was hesitant, wondering how to act on this. It sat there, making it's decision, Amelia waiting patiently. Suddenly, her wrists were restrained, much to her surprise. The officer who had previously wanted to interrogate her pulled her up by the wrist. “I talked it over with the other officers. We've decided that you're coming in whether you like it or not.”
An hour later, she was in a room alone with the officer who had brought her in.
“What were you doing on this platform?,” he asked.
“I was scuba diving to find out what was annoying three Gyrados, when I discovered this ship,” she responded, continuing to describe the massive adventure she was on for the past three days. The officer was in disbelief for most of the time at just how ridiculous this adventure was. An oil platform? A monopoly on all aquatic life? Attempting to do something as unrealistic as capturing every Water-type Pokemon in the world, which would take decades to do even with a hundred members? He quickly decided that he should have let her just capture the Mantine, after all. “Alright, Amelia Shaw. You're free to go,” he muttered, clearly bored and ready to ask William or any of the members of Team Pinnace, expecting a much more realistic response. She smiled and walked out of the room.
Rushing to the marina, Amy pulled out a Pokeball. Much to her surprise, the Mantine had waited all that time. “So, I assume you want to be my Pokemon, then?”
The Mantine smiled and swam around in a circle, clearly excited. Amelia laughed, grabbing some rope from William's boat and tying it around the bottom half of the ball before activating it and throwing it out to the Mantine. As soon as it caught it and closed up, she reeled it back in, holding the ball in her hand as it began to make it's usual three noises.
Bling. An enviroment began to generate suitable for the Mantine, a puddle of water seeming like an ocean to the miniaturised Mantine, complete with a sandy seabed and Remoraids traversing the waters.
Bling. The sky began to form around the Mantine. A sunny day, giving a warm reflection, which Mantine enjoyed greatly.
Amelia held onto the Pokeball tightly as she threw the tracker to the side. Her fingers were crossed, her forehead was covered in sweat and water from her adventure, her hands clammy around the Pokeball, which was working away at making a virtual reality for the Mantine to comfort it whilst it was stuck in the Pokeball. Her legs were still trembling, her throat dry and her eyes heavy. Her adventure had tired her out. She didn't want to go out to sea again just to get Mantine, she just wanted to rest with the Pokemon safely restrained within the Pokeball. At that moment, only one thought went through her mind, the one hope that the Mantine would enjoy it's surroundings in the Pokeball and accept it's request to capture it. This whole image was summed up in three words, repeated over and over and over again, through Amelia's mind.
“Please Go Bling.”
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Old 04-07-2013, 08:43 PM
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Default Re: Team Pinnace Strikes! [Ready For Grading]

-snip, double post-
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Last edited by ZapdosIrockz; 04-07-2013 at 09:05 PM.
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Old 04-08-2013, 05:00 AM
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Default Re: Team Pinnace Strikes! [Ready For Grading]

I'll go ahead and claim this~ Grade should be up by the end of the week.
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Old 04-08-2013, 05:00 AM
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Default Re: Team Pinnace Strikes! [Ready For Grading]

I'll go ahead and claim this~ Grade should be up by the end of the week.
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Old 04-08-2013, 03:20 PM
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Default Re: Team Pinnace Strikes! [Ready For Grading]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Felly View Post
I'll go ahead and claim this~ Grade should be up by the end of the week.
I hope to see it soon.
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Old 04-14-2013, 11:56 PM
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Default Re: Team Pinnace Strikes! [Ready For Grading]

When I said end of the week, I was kind of hoping it would be done Friday, but that didn't really happen. xD But it's done now, & that's what counts, right?

Introduction
We have a story here that talks about a girl named Amelia, who goes and tries to find a reason why the Gyarados are angry and to calm them down before too much mass destruction occurs. In the midst of it all, she joins Team Pinnance, a group who wants to catch all the Water type Pokemon in the world.

Though the plot idea is interesting, it kind of reminds me a lot of Team Aqua from the third generation games. Your introduction is kind of lacking as well; it's not really something that draws a reader in, at least in my opinion. It just talks about a girl sitting in a bar, waiting to go withdraw her Pokemon from the daycare. You get more into depth with who she is a little later, but it's not really the most exciting introduction.

You should try to make your introduction something that draws the reader in. You don't have to throw us right into the situation, but the introduction should be something that makes us wonder what's going to happen next. A good introduction makes more people willing to read your story, but a bad one might not draw in as many readers.

Detail
Detail is something that could be worked on, as I found a few continuity errors and some things you should try touching up on. I'll be going into more detail with that below, but before I do, I just wanted to comment on this post. The spacing in this story is really awkward, and it's hard to tell where a new paragraph starts and when one ends. I would recommend making sure that you use a double space in between paragraphs; it makes it easier for people to read, and not just graders either.

Moving on, there wasn't really much detail on the scuba diving equipment. I imagine they have goggles, wetsuits, and oxygen tanks, but not everyone's going to know that. By providing more detail on it, it gives the reader a better idea as to what the character's wearing at the present time and also a better idea as to what the scuba diving equipment looks like and is.

Carrying on with that, there was also some lack of detail on some Pokemon aspects in the story. You described the Gyarados and the Mantine, but the other Pokemon aspects got tossed aside. Though the Gyarados and Mantine played a more significant part in the story (and even they didn't really get too much of a description), the other Pokemon aspects in the story should still get some sort of mention. I'm specifically referring to Poke Balls, Remoraid, Tympole, Luvdisc, Finneon, the Arcanine fur, Squirtle, and Cyndaquil. Though I do know what each of these Pokemon and the Poke Balls look like, a reader might not. A piece of advice from one of the other graders that was passed onto me that I'll pass to you is to describe things as if someone has absolutely no idea what they are, including things in the Pokemon world. Even if it's just a few words, a little description helps the reader envision it a lot better than just leaving them with the name of the species and hoping they'll take initiative and look it up themselves.

Quote:
She nodded, heading into it and coming out in the suit. She came back out in a minute or so, the old man leading her to a boat and driving out to sea.
Moving on specific quotes, you say that Amelia heads into the dressing room and comes out in the suit. Then in the next sentence, you say she comes out a minute or so later, and the man leads her to the boat and drives out to sea. It's kind of redundant to say that she came out of the dressing room twice. Maybe just change it to "She nodded, heading into the dressing room. She came back out a moment later, and the old man led her to a boat and drove out to sea." or even something similar to that.

Quote:
As soon as Amelia was on board, he pulled a Pokeball from her belt and threw it at the Remoraid, catching it and forcing her to go and grab it for him.
It's never really stated why Remoraid is hiding beneath Mantine, but I imagine it would have been to keep predators from getting to it and eating it. Nevertheless, it was probably at full health, though a little exhausted from all the swimming. I don't think it would have just willingly accepted William's request to capture it without putting up a bit of a fight. Even if there wasn't a Pokemon battle of sorts, I feel like Remoraid, or any Pokemon for that matter as something similar to this happens with the Mantine later in the story, would have given the trainer a bit of a fight to see if the trainer was really dedicated and really wanted that Pokemon.

Quote:
Before she could protest, she was gagged and blindfolded, the man bringing her on board and tying her hands together. Bringing her into the quarters, he pushed her down and pulled the gag off her mouth.

“What did you get from the shipwreck?,” he began to interrogate.

“A tracker, some crates, and the blueprints for that weird device,” she responded truthfully.

He nodded. “Well, you're going to stay here for a while, girly. Long enough for us to get that information back and remove any evidence you have against us, specifically.”
This might just be me, but I don't think someone who was just kidnapped, gagged, and blindfolded would willingly pass along information to the person who kidnapped, gagged, and blindfolded them. Even the sweetest person in the world wouldn't do that. They'd probably give them a hard time before they gave information. I'm not saying to whip out some torture tactics or anything, but I'm also not saying to just have your character willingly give out information to someone who kidnapped, gagged, and blindfolded them.

Quote:
Amelia let out a muffled swear word, clearly hoping they'd state their plan.

...

“Sorry, but that isn't my biggest concern right now. Those guys are planning to do something with every water pokemon and I know where their headquarters are! Now, let's get in the boat already!”

The old man got up, stretched his back and walked back to the boat, Amelia clearly excited to find out the enemy's plan.
This part confused me. When she was tied up and listening in on their conversation, Amelia was hoping they'd state their plan. Then she meets up with William and she suddenly knows their plan, but as they go to the boat, she's excited to find out their plans. Does she know their plan or not? It was never stated that she saw anything that would give it away in that section of the story, so it was kinda confusing.

Quote:
We are only currently operating in Almia and this region, and the Rangers in Almia are halting our progress.
It's never really explicitly stated what region they're in, but the Team Pinnance leader wants to go to Unova later in the story, so I'm assuming they're not in Unova, and since Almia is stated as a region, I'm assuming it's not Almia either. Maybe state the region they're in? It would give the reader a better idea as to where the story takes place.

Grammar
Your grammar isn't too bad, but it's not perfect either. I'll point out the more frequent mistakes, but you should watch for run-on sentences and spelling as well. Running a grammar and spell check on your story can knock out some mistakes, but not all of them, so just keep that in mind as well.

Quote:
“Girlie, what're you doing in a dump like this?,” asked the bartender, with the intentions of kindness.
The comma after the question mark isn't necessary at all and neither is the one after bartender. The question mark serves the purpose of the comma in the quotation marks, and the comma after bartender just isn't necessary. If you're unsure as to whether or not you should add a comma, read the sentence out loud or in your head, and if you find yourself taking a breath or pausing for a brief second, add a comma.

Quote:
The girl held onto her coffee tight to make sure it didn't drop, using her free hand to push her fair hair out of the way of her large hipster glasses.
This sentence sounds a little awkward with the way it's worded. Maybe say "The girl had a tight grip on her coffee so that it wouldn't drop, using her free hand to push her hair out of her face." or something similar. If you read a sentence out loud or in your head and it sounds awkward, rewrite it until it no longer sounds awkward. I'd also like to add that you shouldn't throw in too much detail at once as it could distract the reader; detail is better when it's spaced out in a story instead of being thrown at the reader all at once.

Quote:
The old man walked to a cupboard, pulling out a Wetsuit and throwing it to Amelia. “Now, just bring yourself into the changing room,” he told her. She nodded, heading into it and coming out in the suit. She came back out in a minute or so, the old man leading her to a boat and driving out to sea.
Each line of dialogue should have its own paragraph. The above quote could be reworded to look like this:
The old man walked to a cupboard and pulled out a wet suit, throwing it to Amelia. He said, "Now just bring yourself into the changing room."

She nodded, heading into it and coming back out a moment later in the wet suit. The old man led her to a boat and drove out to sea.


That makes it easier for someone to read and it also clearly shows that the old man is talking and not Amelia. I'd also like to add that you should watch your past and present tense. The story starts off in past tense, so you should use it throughout the whole story. If your story was in present tense, you would use that in the whole story instead. Sticking with one tense makes your life easier.

Quote:
Getting up, she looked at what it was running from, panicking herself and following it's path as she seen the Gyrados chasing them.
Seen would be saw, in this case. You use seen a lot in your story when it should really be saw. Seen would be used with words such as "had," "have," and "was" while saw would be used without those helper words. This site explains the difference nicely. I'd also like to add that "it's" should be "its" as the path belongs to Mantine. You would use "it's" when you would want to say "it is," and "its" would be used when something belongs to someone, like Mantine's path.

Quote:
An upside down triangle containing waves (depicted by wavy lines), representing the alchemical symbol for water.
The parenthesis could be replaced with commas in this case to make it look like this: an upside down triangle containing waves, which were depicted by wavy lines that represented the alchemical symbol of water. It sort of ties everything together and makes the sentence a little more understandable as well.

Climax
The climax was kind of lacking as well, but it was a little more attention grabbing than the introduction. The Team Pinnance leader comes up and grabs William, threatening to drown him if they don't go to Unova together. That's when Mantine comes and saves the day. They arrive at the shore and the Team Pinnance leader is arrested by the police.

Right when you think all is well and Amelia's going to try and catch the Mantine, the police decide to arrest her. They take her in for questioning and eventually release her, though they had doubts about her story. She returns to the Mantine and tries to capture it, hoping that the ball clicks that third time, confirming the Pokemon's capture.

I liked the description you gave to Mantine's enviroment in the Poke Ball. It's something I haven't really seen before in stories, so I liked that nice touch. Like I said, the climax was kind of lacking, but it grabbed my attention more than the introduction did. You could try maybe putting the climax at the beginning of the story to grab the reader's attention and then tell the story of how they got there. It's just a thought. I'm a little more understanding of why Mantine would willingly be captured since it helped Amelia so much throughout the story, and it became her friend as well, which was also a nice touch.

Conclusion
Length is 20160, which is just over the minimum character count for a Hard ranked Pokemon. Taking the other sections into account, I feel like this story would be better for a Medium ranked Pokemon (or any of the ranks below that) rather than a Hard one. Your introduction wasn't the most attention grabbing thing, there were some continutity errors, the grammar had some issues, and the climax was a little better than your introduction. The story seemed a little rushed, in my opinion, and that really shouldn't happen in a story of this rank.

With all of that said, I'm going to have to say Mantine is not captured. If you fix the errors I mentioned above, I'll be more than happy to regrade it for you! All you have to do is send me a message of some sort when you're ready for that regrade, and I'll get that done for you~
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