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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 12-08-2012, 02:51 PM
ZapdosIrockz's Avatar
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Default An unexpected catch [Graded]

Pokemon: Magikarp (although Gothita features)
Length: 4946 characters

A girl, 17 years of age, stood at her living room door. She had straight , dirty blonde hair that ran down to her elbows, large hipster glasses covering her dark blue eyes and a long black trench coat which had no buttons, simply hanging open. Under this she donned a grey polo-neck and black slim jeans. She stood there, shouting “SQUIRTLE,” until a small blue turtle came rushing up to her. She picked it up and smiled. It replied with 'Squirt,' the girl slipping on her black shoes rimmed with faux Arcanine fur and opening the door. She stepped into the rain and onto the wet pavement and Squirtle jumped out of her arms. It loved the rain and would frolic in it every time it was outside.
The turtle suddenly stopped in it's tracks, darting it's head up and looking at a shrub just four metres away from them. There seemed to be a small head staring back. The girl quickly caught sight of this and slowly moved towards it, whispering, “stay there, Squirtle.” She reached it and noticed it had not moved whatsoever. It seemed to have large, protruding lips and a relatively enormous purple head with a black tuft of hair. She spoke quietly. “Hey, I'm Amelia, but you can just call me Amy,” she murmured, the strange Pokemon staring back. She raised her Pokedex and activated it.

“Gothita, the Psychic fixation Pokemon. It will intently stare at whatever interests it. Sometimes, in battle, it will forget to make a move, making it a quite easy Pokemon to catch.”

Amelia smirked. She was already out to catch a Pokemon. But at the same time, she knew she'd feel some remorse due to how cute she found the thing, even if it was somewhat unsettling. What if she could irritate it somehow, to the point where it would attack first? She began snapping her fingers right in it's face. “Hey! Wakey wakey!” she commanded, the Gothita unaffected. She gave it a gentle slap, causing it to blink, but still leaving it staring. She grumbled, picking up her Squirtle and suddenly holding it up. The turtle was unnerved, attempting to crawl up Amy's arm and shouting. Still, nothing seemed to work. She eventually picked up the Gothita itself, which provoked it enough to cause it to use confusion on the girl, who dropped the Psychic and dropped to the muddy ground herself in a comical fashion, covering her trench coat with mud. Squirtle quickly responded with water gun, drenching the Gothita. Empowered by the rain, the gun managed to shoot the Gothita back a small amount and injure it critically. It let down it's defences, giving Amelia enough time to recover. “My coat! Okay, now you're going to get it,” she shouted. “Squirtle! Let it attack, but dodge whatever it sends at you,” Amy demanded, the Squirtle obliging and preparing itself. The Gothita responded with a multi-coloured ray, intending to confuse the Squirtle along with damaging it. The latter quickly responded by going into it's shell, the ray hitting off it and confusing Amelia once more, who stumbled but managed to regroup herself enough to stop falling into the mud. Squirtle was now stuck in it's shell, with lasers blasting against it's shell constantly. Amelia, once recovering, kept a safe distance and watched the timing of the blasts. There seemed to be three seconds between each shot. “Okay, Squirtle! As soon as you feel the next blast hit your shell, jump out, use bubble and hop out of the way,” she commanded, the Squirtle executing these orders and surviving, unharmed, until he was suddenly hit by a Psybeam. Getting it's footing back, it prepared to attack once again-but the Gothita was gone.
“Squirt...?”, questioned the Squirtle. “Where did that thing go?”, parroted Amy, who was now scouting the area, Squirtle joining in. How had it escaped so easily, they wondered, before realising that it had used confuse on them and escaped whilst they were stumbling around. Amy suddenly came to her senses. It was muddy, they could just follow the footprints! She picked up Squirtle again and looked at the tiny footprints, beginning to follow their trail before reaching a tiny, stumbling Gothita, which was trying desperately to escape until it regained it's strength. Amelia smirked. “You think you can get away that easily, you bally cad,” she commented, chucking a pokeball, which was dodged by the Gothita, all too aware of the ball. Amy tugged it out of the mud, giving Gothita some distance. It had already reached a lake by the time Amy caught up, the Pokemon washing it's wounds, turning around once it heard squelching mud. It's unconnected lips widened, spotting a pokeball heading towards it. It quickly ducked and, to everyone's surprise, managed to avoid it twice. The pokeball had, instead, hit a Magikarp. Amy's mouth widened as the Gothita made it's escape. She had only brought one ball. Wondering over to the lake, she fished out the ball before it was ready to catch, holding it in her hand.

Bling...

Bling...
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Last edited by ZapdosIrockz; 12-23-2012 at 04:10 PM.
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  #2  
Old 12-19-2012, 10:27 PM
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Default Re: An unexpected catch [Grading Ready]

I'm claiming this. Sorry for the wait, the last couple weeks have been busy since I had to finish up schooling matters before the break.
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Old 12-19-2012, 11:20 PM
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Default Re: An unexpected catch [Grading Ready]

Introduction and Plot:

Immediately you begin by describing your main character. I was glad to see this as often times people don’t describe their characters at all, leaving the reader clueless for the rest of the story. However in the future try to incorporate these details through showing versus just telling the reader about it. For this story though, I think what you did works just fine.
I’m also glad that you described the Squirtle’s appearance, as it is just as important to describe the Pokemon as it is to describe the human characters, even if this is a Pokemon forum. :P

As for the plot, it was very simple. This is fine for a Pokemon like Magikarp but if you choose to go for more difficult Pokemon in the future, try to use more complicated plot lines than the usual ‘go out and find a Pokemon’ scenario.

Description:

You did well with the description of the characters and the main character Amelia’s clothing. I also liked that you incorporated the setting into the storyline by mentioning the effects of the rain and mud in the battle.

The biggest thing you can improve on is giving the reader details about the characters by incorporating them with actions. For instance, if you want to describe Amelia’s hair you should not just say what it looks like outright, but give a description of it while Amelia is doing something. Perhaps Amelia is pushing her blonde hair out of her face because it often gets stuck behind her bulky hipster glasses and gets in her eyes. If you give details in that way, the reader will learn more about the character and will have more interest in the character as a person due to a factor of relatability. Also, it becomes more like a story and less like a list.

Other than with your descriptions of Amelia at the beginning of the story, you did use this technique well, especially when describing the battlefield.

Grammar:

Just a few errors that I found, overall you really know your stuff when it comes to grammar.

Quote:
She stood there, shouting “SQUIRTLE,” until a small blue turtle came rushing up to her.
The grammar on this is mostly correct, the only problem is the usage of commas. Here is what I would do to correct the sentence:

Quote:
She stood there shouting, “SQUIRTLE!” until a small blue turtle came rushing up to her.
I added an exclamation point because she is shouting, and also because you can use exclamation points and question marks during dialogue without ending the overall sentence. Also in this instance you do not need to put a comma after the dialogue:

Quote:
“Squirt...?”, questioned the Squirtle.
Quote:
It replied with 'Squirt,' the girl slipping on her black shoes rimmed with faux Arcanine fur and opening the door.
^This sentence is a run-on. Basically the sentence should be ended after the dialogue. Also the ‘slipping’ and ‘opening’ parts do not fit with the rest of the story’s tense, which is past tense.

Quote:
It replied with, “Squirt.” The girl slipped on her black shoes, which were trimmed with faux Arcanine fur, and opened the door.
Also, there is a difference between it’s and its. It’s is a shorter form of it is and its is possessive. Those were the only errors I found though. Good job.

Battle:

Great job on this! Using the setting to affect the outcome of a battle is a great technique that gives higher stakes to the situation. I also commend you on making the battle two-sided instead of having Squirtle be a complete powerhouse in comparison to Gothita.

Just note that you do not necessarily need to have a battle in order to catch a Pokemon. In this case, it did seem a little iffy to have a battle with a different Pokemon than the one you captured, especially since you didn’t mention Magikarp at all until the very end. Since it is your first story though, I’ll let it slide. Besides, a battle with a Magikarp wouldn’t have been nearly as interesting. :p

Overall: I think that you are a great writer. You already know a lot about grammar and writing as a whole, you just need to fine tune it a bit. As long as you continue to practice your writing you will definitely be amazing, I just know it. Magikarp captured!
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