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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 06-23-2012, 11:25 PM
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Default [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Final Week Judged!

[WAR XI] Creative Writing Rules

Rules

-- NO PLAGIARIZING --
People with any common sense will know this, but this sentiment is extremely lacking in a world where a woman can sue McDonald’s for a cup of coffee being hot. Taking someone else’s work does not make it yours. I hate it when people do this. Anyone who does so will be disqualified, and then proceeded to be hunted down by me and killed with a rusty spork.

-- Use Proper Grammar and Spelling --
Again, this one goes without saying; if you’re going to write something, make it legible if you plan to have people besides yourself read it. Just because this is the Internet doesn’t mean you shouldn’t put the same amount of effort into writing for this place as you would for school. And for the love of God, please don’t use text talk.

-- On the Use of Fakemon --
Use of Pokémon that are your own creation is allowed; just make sure to provide a link at the beginning of your entry to a source where there is information on the creature, along with detailed information. If you want to use someone else’s creation, make sure to ask said person first, because I will be checking any species that aren’t in the six-hundred and forty-nine current official Pokémon and making sure you have obtained the creator’s permission to use them.

-- Formatting and Writing Style --
Paragraph structure is the usual standard for Pe2k; remember to have a space separating each paragraph. Unfortunately, there is no way to create paragraph indents. There will be a random word chosen for each week, and the writing itself can be of any genre and be in any style as long as it’s got something to do with the chosen word (poetry, short story, etc). Short stories will be required to have a length of at least fifteen-hundred words.

You must have [WAR XI] in the title of your submission. You are also unable to edit it after the week-long deadline has passed.

OFFICIAL ENTRY FORM: Please remove the asterisks (*'s) when posting.
[b*]Username;[/b]
[b*]Team Name;[/b]
[b*]Entry Title;[/b]
[b*]Entry Link;[/b]
[b*]Symbolism/Other Themes;[/b]
[spoiler*]Here you put anything that you think I might not catch about a deeper meaning of your piece. I will read it after I read your entry. If I think that your symbolic meaning fits and I say "Oh, I noticed that!" or "Oh! I didn't think of that, but it makes so much sense now!", then I'll love your piece even more. c: But if you just put some nonsense here that doesn't match up, I'll be like "Yeah, not seeing it." and I will love your piece less. XDD Does this count toward your total score? I dunno. :P I just wanted to give you all the opportunity to be able to tell me the meaning in case it sails RIGHT OVER MY HEAD like most things usually do. c: This is not required but it is sort of fun. c:[/spoiler]

Grading System
Pieces of literature will be graded within three different categories with a total of ten points per category. Entries with the highest scores in these areas will be awarded WAR points accordingly. Said evaluation factors are; Creativity, Grammar & Spelling, and Flow


Time Limits & Themes

WEEK 1
SUNDAY, JUNE 24th 12:00:00 AM EST – FRIDAY, JUNE 29th 11:59:59 PM EST
Theme: Radio
First place: Grassy_Aggron
Second place: Sealboy
Third place: Saraibre Ryu

WEEK 2
SUNDAY, JULY 1st 12:00:00 AM EST – SATURDAY, JULY 7th 11:59:59 PM EST
Theme: Torchlight
First place: Enkaku_Kumori
Second place: Winter, Saraibre Ryu, Grassy_Aggron

WEEK 3
MONDAY, JULY 9th 12:00:00 AM EST – SATURDAY, JULY 14th 11:59:59 PM EST
Theme: A Pokemon You Hate
First place: Saraibre Ryu, Charmander009
Second place: Grassy_Aggron, GallantlyGlaceon

WEEK 4
MONDAY, JULY 16th 12:00:00 AM EST – SATURDAY, JULY 21st 11:59:59 PM EST
Theme: Emotional Impact
First place: Grassy_Aggron
Second place: Saraibre Ryu
Third place: Winter
Extra Point: alaskapidove

WEEK 5
MONDAY, JULY 23rd 12:00:00 AM EST – SATURDAY, JULY 28th 11:59:59 PM EST
Theme: Free Writing (AKA No Theme)
First place: Charmander009
Second place: Saraibre Ryu
Third place: Sealboy
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Last edited by Grassy_Aggron; 08-01-2012 at 07:58 AM.
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  #2  
Old 06-28-2012, 01:37 PM
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Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 1 Theme Annnounced

You didn't specify whether or not we post a form here like last year, but I shall do so anyway. Hit me up with a VM if you want this post removed and I will happily do so :)


WAR Team: The Eggman Empire

Title: The Voice

Form: Short Story

Link: The Voice

~Sealboyno1
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Old 06-29-2012, 01:14 AM
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Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 1 Theme Annnounced

Since Sights was so kind in showing me this weeks theme...

WAR Team: GUN
Title: Live Radio
Form: Freeform Poem

Link: Here you go~
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Old 06-29-2012, 03:19 AM
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Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 1 Theme Annnounced

Uhh, yeah. Feel free to smack me up the head if I'm doing this wrong. First time writing for WAR. ^^'

WAR Team: The Eggman Empire

Title: Where the Heart Is

Form: Short Story

Link: Here.
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Quote:
[12:38:20 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH" <---- Yup.
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."
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  #5  
Old 06-30-2012, 03:00 AM
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Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 1 Theme Annnounced

Warning: Massive violence and gore. Sorry.


WAR Team: The Not-so Superheroes

Title: Radio

Form: Short Story

Link: Radio
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Old 06-30-2012, 03:43 AM
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Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 1 Theme Annnounced

War Team: G.U.N.
Title: Mordred's Lullaby
Form: Short Story
Link: Mordred's Lullaby.
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Quote:
[12:38:59 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH"
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."
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Old 06-30-2012, 03:59 AM
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Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 1 Theme Annnounced

WAR Team: Guardian Units of Nations
Title: Build Up Radio Style
Form: Song
Link: Build Up Radio Style


Also, I will lock all threads until they are done being judged, so no one has to worry about going over the limit. Michelle asked me to do this, and do it I shall~
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Old 06-30-2012, 04:31 AM
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Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 1 Theme Annnounced

Hey, this says Friday, June 30th, but today is Friday, and it's the 29th. Are they due tonight? If so, I won't be able to get mine in. I guess I'll just do it next week.
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Old 07-01-2012, 08:37 AM
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As your new judge of Creative Writing, I am proud to present the new theme and deadline! I am in the process of judging your entries right now! They will be posted within the next hour or so. c:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Michelle8936 View Post
WEEK 2
SUNDAY, JULY 1st 12:00:00 AM EST – SATURDAY, JULY 7th 11:59:59 PM EST
Theme: Torchlight
First place: N/A
Second place: N/A
Third place: N/A
JUDGING—
A score of 60 can be earned. Those with the highest score will win this week’s points. In a short story/fanfiction, each section is worth 1/3rd of your score. With poetry and songs, however, grammar and spelling is only worth 10 points, as many poets/lyricists sacrifice grammar-correct syntax for flow. Because of this, flow is worth 30 points instead of 20 for these media types. With each piece there will also be a critique to help you know what you did best and what you could improve on. Thank you for entering, good luck. <3




[THE VOICE] by [SEALBOY] of [THE EGGMAN EMPIRE]


CREATIVITY;
(how creative your idea is)
I liked how instead of just having a radio, you actually made the main character the broadcaster of one. To be honest, I expected it to be either a Darkrai or Haunter after the dark hand shot from the computer screen. Knowing this, I sort of guessed that it was a dream, as well (as both are well-known for being nightmare Pokemon--the whole movie of Rise of Darkrai was based around that and Gengar stirred his own trouble with it in the PMD series). I'm one of those people who stop when I'm reading and ask questions about it, and then keep reading to see if they're answered. XD I still think that you executed the idea very well, though, so good job. <3 But you did do very well at making the whole thing just a giant bad dream--it has all of the elements of a trademark nightmare, and it is very, very believable (normal day spirals down to darkness), and that's also one of the reasons why your point total is what it is.
I award you with 14 points out of 20.

As a side note, I find it ironic that when something bad happens in your story, it's a dream. When something bad happens in mine, it's real and quite horrifying. XDDD Just something I found ironic and humorous. cx

GRAMMAR & SPELLING;
(how many errors you have, or lack thereof. Poetry/songs have some leeway in this category when it comes to syntax, but as a result they are graded more on flow)
I was pleased to find very few mistakes, but I'll point out one or two. They're very minor, nevertheless.
Spoiler:
Quote:
"...who knew what nightmares, or what thoughts, were currently going through their mind."
I do believe that it's supposed to end with a question mark, considering it's asking who knows something. c:

Quote:
"She collected herself momentarily, then she took an intake of breath to continue the show."
Minor, but it's supposed to be 'and then'. If you're going to have two compound sentences, you have to have one of the FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) between them, or make it a complex sentence by making the second part a dependent clause (which means, by making it 'She collected herself momentarily, then took an intake of breath to continue the show'. 'Then took an intake of breath to continue the show' one its own as one sentence isn't grammatically correct. ^^;

Quote:
"'I apologise for that, my viewers,' she explained..."
I'm pointing this out just to ask if it is correct? It's always been a 'z' for me, instead of an 's', but I also noticed that you spelled 'color' as 'colour', too, so I'm guessing it's just where you learned it. That's the way people in England spell it, correct? I think? I wouldn't know, I live under a rock called PE2K. XD Anyway, won't count off for it, but I am merely curious. c:
Overall, you did quite well in this category. Exceptionally so. c:
I place upon thee mighty knight a sum of 18 points out of 20.

FLOW;
(with stories/fanfiction, this category depends on how well each event flows to the next. With poetry/songs, this category depends on the general flow and feel of the piece)
You did quite well on the flow. It is just over the word minimum, and jumps from event to even quite well. It moved along and wasn't drawn out. Quick question; what does Jennifer look like? I can't seem to find a description. Had you smoothly mixed that in, it would have been perfect. Other than that, you covered pretty much everything else. Some of the sentences stumbled minorly, but other than that, it was quite terrific. <3
MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON THINKS THAT IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO FLING 18 POOS OUT OF 20 AT YOU.

BEST/BETTER;
(what you've done well and what could be better)
BEST; Grammar and flow.
--It was almost flawless as far as mistakes go, and each event slid from one to the other with the grace that water rolls down a relatively flat hill.
BETTER; Imagery.
--In my mind, Jennifer was nothing more than a white blob walking around. But white blobs are still cool, so it wasn't too bad. I think it also would have been better if you described what the studio looked like a bit more. For example, if I had known that the equipment was old and the computer monitor was a beige dinosaur of a Dell (A Dell, not Adele c;) and the walls were made of crumbling brick, I would have probably panicked more to get Darkrai off of the air, considering that the company (or that particular broadcast/show) obviously couldn't afford to receive such a drop in ratings, and it also could have worked the other way around. When I think of black headphones, I think of my age-old, onyx-colored studio headphones with the right ear piece rigged with a misfitting screw so that it can freely rotate vertically, where as before the presence of said screw it had previously come loose constantly and dangled by its wires down by my neck. It's coiled cord, which loops in a spiral in the manner that the cord of an old telephone would, is so messed up that it looks like a ball of snakes every time I try and keep it together.

My calculator has spat out the number 50/60.
Great job, I hope you compete again this week, as I enjoy reading your writing! <33 It's also good to see you again, Seal! c:






CREATIVITY;
(how creative your idea is)
I actually adore the idea you used. It contrasts two very different realities with both differences and similarities that we often take for granted--music and the real world. One of my favorite lines is about the songs in different languages that you don't understand but go with anyway. I think that's something a lot of us can relate through. You threw in a lot of variety as well, with the mention of rapping and screaming, as well as the references to rock and what I believe is blues, or just sad songs in general. Great job. c:
I award you with 19 points out of 20.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING;
(how many errors you have, or lack thereof. Poetry/songs have some leeway in this category when it comes to syntax, but as a result they are graded more on flow)
Very few mistakes as far as spelling goes, and the grammar/syntax used is still easy to understand. One line I did like where you cut it short but still kept it easy to understand was "House now behind you as you note the starry sky". I don't know, I just like that line for some reason. Is the word 'note' a pun? XD Also, I noticed the "They dub you as a klutz as you step through the street in time". "Dubstep Time", Sabi? Really? XD There are too many references to the subject to point out individually, but all of them are very well done and pretty ingenious. The colors help a lot and were a clever idea.
I place upon thee mighty knight a sum of 10 points out of 10.

FLOW;
(with stories/fanfiction, this category depends on how well each event flows to the next. With poetry/songs, this category depends on the general flow and feel of the piece)
This seems to be the area I find lacking. Chances are (trust me, this is how it usually works with all of my poetry) that you had a very solid beat in your head in which it all flowed easily into, but there are only a few parts that seem to not stumble to me. The last line of the next to last stanza, for example, sounded a bit rough in my head. I think this is the Heel to the Achilles that is your story.
MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON THINKS THAT IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO FLING 18 POOS OUT OF 30 AT YOU.

BEST/BETTER;
(what you've done well and what could be better)
BEST; Relevance and wording.
--Absolutely ingenious. You were right when you said you were the music person--it shows in this piece A LOT. From all of the genres mixed in to the references of the actual music score, all of them were very pleasing to the mind and make me chuckle.
BETTER; Flow.
--I myself am a bit of an aspiring English teacher (it's definitely one of my options), but could not pick up on the flow very well at a lot of parts. Maybe it would have helped if you had given a link to the sort of beat you imagined it in, or labeled it as iambic pentameter or another term to help me understand it. ^_^

My calculator has spat out the number 47/60.
Despite Live Radio's flaws, you did an EXCELLENT job. Have I said that I adore the references before? Yes? Well, let me say it again. I adore the references. You and your overly-active mind. How did I not notice all of that before? You are one cookie that's full of surprises that I only see once I eat it and they bump against my teeth when I try to chew.





CREATIVITY;
(how creative your idea is)
Hrm... I really don't know what to say about this entry. It wasn't particularly impacting or thought-invoking. The general idea was alright, but I think you could have done a bit more with some of the aspects you introduced. For example, the storm: you said that there was a storm brewing on the horizon, but you never really did anything with it. Was it because of the Rotom? I'm not even sure. There was no mention of it otherwise anywhere in the rest of the story. I was also a bit confused because you said that people started flooding into the park, but I know that I wouldn't be going to the park if it looked like it was going to rain. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I thought I would just point that out. ^^; Maybe if you had also expanded on the two's relationship more, it would have had more of an impact when he was thinking of breaking up with her.
I award you with 9 points out of 20.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING;
(how many errors you have, or lack thereof. Poetry/songs have some leeway in this category when it comes to syntax, but as a result they are graded more on flow)
I didn't find any major mistakes. A lot of it was mostly space errors, actually. For example...
Spoiler:
Quote:
"...really need to clean this place someday...Just as I was sloppily tying the shoelaces of my sneakers..."
A space is needed before 'just'.

Quote:
"As I sprinted across the metal scaffolding, I glanced down at my wrist-watch. 5:28...I don't know..."
A space is needed before 'I'.

Quote:
"Before I could finish the thought, I found myself flying through the air. Oh shi-I felt cold fear..."
A space needs to be after 'shi-'. XD Also, I think that rearranging the order of the sentences would have been better, as well...

Quote:
As I sprinted across the metal scaffolding, I glanced down at my wrist-watch. 5:28...I don't know what time she hung up, but I'm probably already la-

Before I could finish the thought, I found myself flying through the air. Oh shi-
Other than the space that belongs before the 'I'... I think that the full effect of him tripping would have better been delivered if you rearranged it as so:
Quote:
"As I sprinted across the metal scaffolding, I glanced down at my wrist-watch. 5:28... I don't know what time she hung up, but I'm probably already late... Oh shi-!

Before I could finish the thought, I found myself flying through the air..."
And then afterward would have been the description of his painful fall down the stairs. c:
Overall, you did pretty okay on this category.
I place upon thee mighty knight a sum of 15 points out of 20.

FLOW;
(with stories/fanfiction, this category depends on how well each event flows to the next. With poetry/songs, this category depends on the general flow and feel of the piece)
It does seem a bit choppy in places (I think that some parts should have been described a bit better, like when she started crying), but overall you did pretty well, actually. ^_^ Maybe if you had split up the radio lyrics into shorter parts or gauged his reaction more, that part would have flowed better. Oh, and another thing; you used slightly at some point two paragraphs in a row. Starts on the second 'slightly'. Ctrl + F the word 'slightly' on your story. c: Don't worry, I completely understand--I am quite fond of the word and overuse it often.
MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON THINKS THAT IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO FLING 17 POOS OUT OF 20 AT YOU.

BEST/BETTER;
(what you've done well and what could be better)
BEST; Grammar.
--The grammar was the best part of this, though it does need some improvements. You do have a LOT of potential, though, and I'd love to see you write more. <3 I beg you to come back and write for the new theme! <3
BETTER; Character/story development.
--What would have topped the cake on this story would have been some character development or some backstory to Jennifer and Gabriel's relationship. You could make it negative or positive, that way the reader actually feels suspense when he's contemplating their future. If you were to make their relationship seem negative, I would have been like "YES, YES, DO ITTTT". If you had made their relationship positive, I would have yelled "DON'T DO IT, YOU IDIOT" and would have gotten quite worked up on it. You don't even have to put much backstory into it, either. You could just throw a part into the beginning about what they did the day before/the last time they hung out, so the reader gets a feel of how much Jennifer really means to Gabriel and if what they have is worth keeping. c:

My calculator has spat out the number 41/60.
As I said before, I do believe that you have a LOT of potential, and I'm only giving you a critique to help you improve. <3 Thank you so much for entering and I really want you to compete with this theme, as well. Maybe I'll see you with a fanfiction sometime, too, eh? <3
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Quote:
[12:38:59 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH"
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."

Last edited by Grassy_Aggron; 07-02-2012 at 01:06 AM.
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Old 07-01-2012, 08:37 AM
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Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 2 Theme Announced (Week 1 Being Judged)



CREATIVITY;
(how creative your idea is)
Don't worry, I'm not scarred for life. c: I'm quite used to depressing stuff, as you'll see if you read my own entry (which is now invalid). The idea all on its own was okay, but I did REALLY, REALLY like the idea of the child. Like, a lot. Makes it creepier. Is that weird? XD Anyway, I think that the idea could have been made scarier with a little bit more work. To me, it almost feels like something is... missing. I don't know. Maybe it could have been better if you had described the fiance's departure to investigate.
I award you with 19 points out of 20.

As a side note, 30 minutes is a really long time to wait. o 3o I personally would have made it 5 or 10.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING;
(how many errors you have, or lack thereof. Poetry/songs have some leeway in this category when it comes to syntax, but as a result they are graded more on flow)
Spoiler:
Quote:
"...she suddenly heard a tinny voice."
Won't count off for this since 'tinny' actually is a word and the definition actually somewhat fits, but just wanted to point it out unless it really was a typo. You also might want to consider other words to substitute it, just so others don't think it is a typo, as well.

Quote:
"The hallways leading to the stairs was dark, but the stairs themselves were illuminated by multi-colored lights."
Your word processor may not have pointed it out (neither did mine), but I spotted it. I don't know what Word is thinking to not pick up on it, but my mind says it's wrong, as 'hallways' is plural. Plural nouns always have 'were'. You even sort of proved that in the next part.

Quote:
"Instead she stood in silent horror as the child looked up at her, its blood streaked blonde hair hanging in its dark, soulless eyes."
Should actually be blood-streaked, as it serves as a single adjective (it comes before the noun, 'hair', and describes it).

Quote:
"Boogeyman will run away, he’ll think it’s Henry Hall"
You forgot le period. c:

Quote:
"In the blood red light, the old radio gleamed. Almost as if with laughter."
Supposed to be blood-red. Also, I see the emphasis that you're trying to put on that last sentence, but it is still a fragment. Try 'In the blood-red light, the old radio gleamed... almost as if with laughter.' That way the pause is still there, but without the fragment.
I place upon thee mighty knight a sum of 10 points out of 20.

FLOW;
(with stories/fanfiction, this category depends on how well each event flows to the next. With poetry/songs, this category depends on the general flow and feel of the piece)
The flow is alright. There are a few things that you could have done to make it better, though. For example:
Spoiler:
Quote:
Her skin was now as pale as snow, making her black hair stand out heavily against her skin. With every thump, her skin crawled. Something was very, very wrong. Finally, the musician’s voice came back along with the music.
You used skin three times in that small chunk of writing. I myself do tend to get repetitive with words like 'slightly' sometimes, and have to make a conscious effort to use substitutes until it becomes a habit to correct myself. Try 'features' for the second instance, and 'flesh' for the third. The latter gives it sort of a creepy tone, too! c:

MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON THINKS THAT IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO FLING 13 POOS OUT OF 20 AT YOU.

BEST/BETTER;
(what you've done well and what could be better)
BEST; Creativity.
--I haven't seen any movies with the Boogeyman in it, so I'm not sure if the child thing was your idea, but if it was, my ignorance is your ticket to points and kudos. I find it interesting that you chose something like a creepy child instead of a giant, shadowy Boogeyman like the usual renditions appear as. And I liked how you did the intro, with her watching the spiders crawling on the ceiling and her reasoning for the noises.
BETTER; Suspense.
--You know what would have perfected this story? Suspense, and lots of it. You've got to guide the reader through every step, every moment passing as she waits for her fiance's return, every toe pressing into the worn carpet, every breath trickling past her lips, every throb of her heartbeat in her ears, every twitch at every little sound, every pause before she turns the corner, every pound of her bare feet slamming into the floor as she rushes to where she hears the voice of her lover, every whimper as she lays eyes upon his body, every flinch as the demented, child steps toward her, every single thought racing through her mind, every millisecond of pause before she pulls the trigger. You've got to put the reader on the edge every step of the way. That's what would have completed this beauty.

My calculator has spat out the number 42/60.
As mentioned in the 'better' portion, some suspense in this story would have thrown it in first place.

HOWEVER.

It seems that you were not aware of the rule change. Originally, it was set at two pages in Microsoft Word. However, it was changed a day or so after the thread's posting to a minimum of 1,500 words (fifteen-hundred). Yours is exactly 1,257 words, and thus does not meet the new requirements. Normally I would disqualify you, but since the rule was changed without much of a warning (there probably should have been a post made to notify everyone), I will instead only remove 1/4th of your score.

42 divided by 4 is 10.5. 10.5 rounds up to 11. 42 - 11 = 31.

THUS, your new point total is 31 points. I'm sorry. :c





CREATIVITY;
(how creative your idea is)
Though you were extremely iffy about your idea, I quite liked it. Like Sabi's idea, I found it unique. Instead of something talking about the radio itself or what it brings, it was a song about building one. A very nice way to start the first Creative Writing week; building up. Next you'll be blaring your entries out loud and clear with some talent, I'm sure. Though the background singer part/chorus is a bit repetitive--maybe some variety in it would have made it better? One line I liked in particular was 'delivered from an iron steeple'. That was a really creative substitute for a radio tower/antenna, and better yet, it rhymed! c: Though the fact still does stand that it is a rather simple entry, which must be taken into consideration.
I award you with 15 points out of 20.

As a side note, I didn't read it when you first posted it/sent it to me and for that I am sorry. XD

GRAMMAR & SPELLING;
(how many errors you have, or lack thereof. Poetry/songs have some leeway in this category when it comes to syntax, but as a result they are graded more on flow)
I honestly see not errors here. Punctuation is generally excused for poetry and songs (though you did put that one question mark, otherwise I would have pointed that out, because it needs to be there simply because otherwise it's not really a question at all). The hyphens served the correct purpose for me--sort of a slight change in pitch/a drawn-out note, correct? So no error there. I honestly can't find any mistakes.
I place upon thee mighty knight a sum of 10 points out of 10.

FLOW;
(with stories/fanfiction, this category depends on how well each event flows to the next. With poetry/songs, this category depends on the general flow and feel of the piece)
You did very, very well here. I was thinking of sort of a steady, slightly rapid beat with little pause between the words/lines, and it worked well that way. There are some lines that seemed to stumble with extra adjectives (for example: cast jubilantly to the sky). Also, 'be careful of the selling liars' sounds off and misfitting to me. Maybe 'be cautious of the forest fires'? XD
MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON THINKS THAT IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO FLING 28 POOS OUT OF 30 AT YOU.

BEST/BETTER;
(what you've done well and what could be better)
BEST; Grammar and flow.
--Near perfect. You did amazingly well. You have much more sense of rhythm than I have. I would include you in a beatboxing/sound party any day. XD
BETTER; n/a
--I can't find anything that I would improve other than the few flow errors I pointed out. It's literally that good. I sort of feel biased/I feel like I may be accused of bias, but I, honest to god/whatever entity may be present, that I literally think it's that good.

My calculator has spat out the number 53/60.


SUMMARY OF RESULTS:
The three points awarded for first place goes to:
Grassy Aggron of G.U.N., with her simple but effective song, Build Up.

The two points awarded for second place goes to:
Sealboy of The Eggman Empire, with his well-written nightmare, The Voice.

The one point awarded for third place goes to:
Saraibre Ryu of G.U.N., with her ingenious poetry relating music to life, Live Radio.

Well, that's judging for this week. I hope I did this right and that you all enjoyed writing for this competition. I'm so happy that a) I got the opportunity to judge, b) that I got to give you all critiques, c) that I am the judge cx, and d) that you all are wonderful writers with wonderful potential. <3 It's three-thirty A.M. so I'm going to go right on to sleep now, and I hope you guys have a wonderful sleep and come back to brainstorm for this week's theme: torchlight!
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[12:38:59 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH"
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."

Last edited by Sight of the Stars; 07-01-2012 at 08:45 AM.
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  #11  
Old 07-06-2012, 01:38 AM
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Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 2 Theme Announced (Week 1 Judged)

Alright, for the sake of clarification and to avoid making Sight post again, there have been some minor edits to the first post of the thread. Nothing huge, just and official entry form and editing in last week's winner's. Also, please note that the symbolism section of the entry form is optional if it wasn't made clear enough. If anyone has any further questions, please direct them to Sight of the Stars, and good luck with your entries.
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Old 07-07-2012, 04:55 AM
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Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 2 Theme Announced (Week 1 Judged)

Yeeeeeah, double-post, however my entry is finished an no one else has posted, soooooo...

Username; Winter
Team Name; Eggman Empire
Entry Title; While You Were Gone
Entry Link;While You Were Gone
Symbolism/Other Themes;
Spoiler:
To avoid any confusion, when Riika references "the Snorlax who slept for twenty years," think Rip Van Winkle done Pokemon style.
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Old 07-07-2012, 05:04 PM
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Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 2 Theme Announced (Week 1 Judged)

Username; Sabi
Team Name; GUN
Entry Title; Burst of Soul
Entry Link; Here ya Go
Symbolism/Other Themes;
Spoiler:
I was thinking the other day about a torch itself, and that fire burns a lot of the time due to wood being fuel, but then I thought to myself...hey, the wood comes from a tree, trees need the sun...the sun is a giant fireball...so is fire actually the inner essence of a tree, coming out given the right circumstances? Is burning wood actually the living part of the tree just changing forms? That's where I was trying to go with this poem. YES I KNOW ANOTHER POEM...
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Old 07-07-2012, 07:41 PM
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Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 2 Theme Announced (Week 1 Judged)

Username; Charmander009
Team Name; Eggman Empire
Entry Title; Echo Through Time
Entry Link; Link
Symbolism/Other Themes;
Spoiler:
If you haven't played Pokemon Ranger: Guardian Signs, then this story might not make any sense to you. But one of the premises from the game is this--long ago, in ancient Oblivia, there existed a tribe of people who could "link" with Pokemon (then called Magical Creatures, I assume), and they were called oracles (or, alternatively, Steelheads because of the armor they wore that allowed them to command Pokemon). At some point in history, however, the Steelheads became corrupted and began abusing their powers. Some found ways to not only manipulate Pokemon, but other Steelheads as well (which is one of the premises of this story; Jirelm was controlling the Steelheads through some unknown means via their armor.) This whole story came about from a theory I had about the main protagonist of the games when I first started playing--which later proved to be false, but still. I thought it would be a neat idea to expand on ;)
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Old 07-07-2012, 09:52 PM
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Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 2 Theme Announced (Week 1 Judged)

Username: Sealboy

Team Name: The Eggman Empire

Entry Title: Changing History

Entry Link: Changing History

Symbolism/Other Themes:
Spoiler:
"torchlight" plays a small, but significant, part of this story. Without the torches to guide him to the room in which the King had been situated, he wouldn't have had the outcome that happened at the end - he would have just been struggling to locate the King. It also shows that others have taken part to change history to liberate themselves - myself believing that fire can represent freedom due to the way that it moves freely.


Fluffy Pickles!!!

~Sealboy
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