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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 02-25-2012, 09:02 PM
Quaza529's Avatar
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Default Genesect shutdown

Genesect shutdown'
Dudley's Journal
Day One of Genesect's escape
My labs in ruins I should have seen this coming I shall be going out to search for him
when I get the right equipment this is a catastrophe. This never would have happened if I haven't been so arrogant the collateral damage is terrible this thing is gonna destroy the world If I can get a tracker on it at the least I'll be able to pinpoint its exact location. Never mind that I need to get out of here I need a list of things:
Remote control w/ screen
Tracking input Tracking Output
flying disk w/ button
If I can manage to get these things then I'll be able to create a flying Input output motion tracker.
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  #2  
Old 03-01-2012, 08:19 PM
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Default Re: Genesect shutdown

Hmm... Well, this is a little bit tough to read, Quaza, I'll be honest. But I'll see if I can help you out a little.

Now, when you're posting from a program like Word or OpenOffice, and you're going to transfer it to a forum, be sure to leave spaces between paragraphs.

In the quote below, I'll offer my thoughts in bold, and changes are italicized.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Quaza529 View Post
Genesect shutdown'

Dudley's Journal

Day One of Genesect's escape

My lab is in ruins. (I think you put a 's' on the end of "lab" because you meant to say "lab's"--as in, "lab is"--and you just forgot to put the apostrophe in. The thing its, it flows much nicer when you actually say "My Lab is in ruins" rather than "My lab's in ruins." The biggest thing I've noticed in looking over this is that you've utterly disregarded punctuation. Remember to put periods after every sentence. One, for instance, should go after "My lab is in ruins", as I noted in bold.)

I should have seen this coming . (Again, a period needs to go here, because this is the end of a sentence.)

I shall be going out to search for him
when I get the right equipment this is a catastrophe. (For some reason, the paragraph is disjointed here. It skips to a new line before the sentence is done. You might want to put the cursor just in front of "when" and press the backspace key.)

This never would have happened if I hadn't been so arrogant. (Period needs to go here. Also, make sure that the tenses for your verbs are correct. It should be "hadn't" instead of "haven't", because the character is referring to something in the past.)

The collateral damage is terrible. (Another period needs to go here, and then you can capitalized the t in "this" in the next sentence...)

This thing is gonna destroy the world. (another period)

If I can get a tracker on it at the least I'll be able to pinpoint its exact location. Never mind that I need to get out of here I need a list of things:

Remote control w/ screen
Tracking input Tracking Output
flying disk w/ button
(Space this out here--it'll look nicer)

If I can manage to get these things then I'll be able to create a flying input-output motion tracker. (the "i" in input doesn't need to be capitalized)
Well, other than pointing these things out, there's not much else I can say because there's not much here. Again, you really need to work on punctuation. ESPECIALLY periods. Learn how to place them, when to place them, ect. Also, before you submit a post, click on the "Preview Post" before you "Submit Reply" to make sure that it looks okay--format-wise. Don't get discouraged--remember, writing takes practice! :)
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Old 03-03-2012, 01:17 AM
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Default Re: Genesect shutdown

Well, Char pretty much took all the corrections I could offer. Just a nitpicky thing... don't use the word "thing". Hehe. It sounds more sophisticated. Instead of "This think is going to destroy the world" try "This horror of a Pokemon will wreak havoc on the world," or something along those lines.

Remote control w/ screen
Tracking input Tracking Output
flying disk w/ button


For that, I'm not really sure what you're trying to say. I assume it's supposed to be some kind of computer chirping out? If so, I find that making it bold and adding in extras, such as So*e le**ers be**g *issing. Although I could be totally missing what you're trying to say. XP
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