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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 09-26-2011, 11:42 PM
ZapdosIrockz's Avatar
ZapdosIrockz Offline
 
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Default Autumn - ready

Going for a: Gothita
Characters Needed: 10-20k
Characters w/Spaces: 10329

Shaun was walking along the once-dust covered path. The heavy torrential rain had made it squelch with every movement. His dark orange jacket was getting all the pressure from the rain, His grey jeans trailing themselves along in the mud. His white shoes had went a shade of brown and his black cap was the only thing protecting his spectacles. His Mudkip was dreading it, and was walking behind Shaun to protect himself. It's feet were no longer blue to the plain eye, and his tail was also dragging in the mud. Autumn, He thought to himself. The most horrible time of the year. As he walked a bush rustled. At first he took no note of it, but as it continued he started becoming cautious, as his Mudkip had been doing the whole time. He started walking faster before being hit by something. He span round and tripped over his own feet, the Mudkip becoming very aware of what happened. Someone or something psychic had used confusion on Shaun.
Mudkip grabbed Shaun's hand with his mouth and started trying to drag him, before hiding again due to the rustling getting louder. He noticed the other Pokeball on Shaun's belt, but it was too late to go back and open it. Gothita was already at Shaun's barely concious body. Only one choice.... He used Water Gun. The Gothita was flung away. He came out of hiding and rammed his head fin into the pokeball. Metapod burst out. Two against one now.
Gothita scowled. She rammed herself against the Metapod, but not before it could use Harden, giving minor damage to both of them. Mudkip smirked, but quickly focused on the matter at hand. It hurriedly used Mud Slap, being increased by the state of the ground, inflicting with the Gothita's sight. It started to rush at Mudkip and use tackle, but Mudkip dodged it narrowly. Shaun started to come to, noticing he was right beside a battle. He rushed himself up and looked at the battle at hand. Mudkip had things sorted out, apparently. He quickly started rushing through his bag. "Pokeball, Pokeball, Pokeball... where are they..." he murmered, before being tripped up by the Gothita, who started jumping on him. He quickly pushed it off. As it tried to hit him again, Mudkip used water gun on the Gothita. Shaun was still hoaking through his bag. "I think I got one!" He shouted, and tried to throw it, but he was pounded by Gothita and dropped it, the latter kicking the pokeball away. Shaun scurried up and ran after it.
Metapod used Harden again, whilst Mudkip and Gothita conflicted, the foremost using tackle and the latter using pound. They both injured eachother, and before Mudkip could attempt to strike again, Gothita used confusion. Mudkip tackled Metapod by accident and thought he was on Gothita's side. They both started attacking Metapod, before Shaun ran back with the pokeball. as Mudkip was distracted, He realised what he was doing. "Mud!" Shaun could only assume this was a swear word, but he shrugged and tried to open the Pokeball to throw, before realising it was jammed with mud. He swore under his breath and started wiping it off. Gothita tried to run. Mudkip chased. As Shaun looked up, he seen that they were both missing. "But I finally got the Pokeball..." murmered Shaun, looking down at the sphere in his hand. He threw it to the ground in anger.
Mudkip dashed after his rival, who was only centimetres away. He used tackle, hitting it down. They were now at a shallow river, with Donaphans trudging through it and shoals of Magikarp swimming about. Mudkip used tackle again, hitting Gothita to the very edge. He readied himself to tackle, but Gothita had one more trick up her sleeve. As he tackled, she stood. At the last second she used confusion. Mudkip jumped over her and fell into the water. He spluttered, and noticed Gothita laughing at him as he went downstream. It shouted at her, before trying to get himself up. Her laugh quickly died as he managed to climb out and run at her. As she thought she could do the same thing again, Mudkip skidded to a halt. She used the move. He rolled over and hit her in, before rolling in himself. They were in the water now. Mudkip had an advantage. he used Water gun at her, it now being even stronger. She quickly swam under, though, and went behind him, pounding him from the back. They started tussling.
Shaun arrived at the river, Metapod now back in it's ball. He looked down the stream and saw them fighting. He, without hesitation, jumped in the water and swam up. The gothita was too preoccupied to notice that Shaun had came all this way. He smirked, grabbing out an empty pokeball and throwing it. Although she was in it, she was quickly released due to the water malfunctioning the pokeball. He stood there, gawping, as the water pushed him along. After his hesitation, he grabbed the Pokeball and started rinsing it out. Mudkip used Water gun, catching Gothita unaware. He hit her onto land, before going up himself. Shaun looked up, just cleaning out the pokeball. He sighed and climbed onto land, running up the the battle at hand. Mudkip kept on using Water Gun. "Mudkip! Stop!" he commanded, being ignored. He muttered something about how he shouldn't have become a trainer, before thinking about the matter on hand. He couldn't get a clear shot at the Gothita with Mudkip blasting water at it. He sighed and waited. Today really wasn't shaping out well for him.
He eventually noticed Mudkip was being pounded. He quickly reacted, grabbing Mudkip and tossing the pokeball. Gothita simply dodged it. Shaun growled before grabbing the pokeball, making sure it didn't go in the water. By then it had been cut, covered in mud and malfunctioned, making his chances even less likely. He watched the battle at hand. Both Pokemon were very scarred, Mudkip even moreso than Gothita. Shaun sighed. He wished it upon himself yet again that he hadn't of became a Pokemon trainer, being fed up of being ignored. As he stopped daydreaming, he noticed that the battle was almost over. Gothita barely even had any energy left to pound. He rubbed the pokeball in his palm. "Come on, Arceus, grant me luck..."
He opened the Pokeball and cleaned it out. Gothita noticed that he was about to throw it. Both of them sighed at the same time. Gothita used confusion on him AGAIN. He threw the ball in the other direction before snapping out of it and realizing what he had done. "Son of a..." he murmered. He ran away to go get it. Whilst he ran, the Pokemon continued to spar. Mudkip was hit into a tree. As he was constantly getting pounded, he quickly jumped to the side, and Gothita hit the tree. Both of them were barely able to move, but they kept fighting. Mudkip was covered in scars, his fin was almost ripped off and his left eye was bleeding. The Pokemon Center would have a lot of work cleaning this up. Gothita's wounds wouldn't be noticeable to the plain eye due to the strange entitythat she is, but she certaintly was injured inside. One more blow from either of them would finish up the fight. They walked in a circle, getting ready to strike. Gothita went first, but her accuracy was still down, making her miss. Magikarp went next, but Gothita managed to avoid it. This went on.
Shaun had been looking for the Pokeball in the river for quite a while, and now had a magikarp's mouth wrapped around his head. He attempted to swear, but it came out as nothing but a muffle. He wasn't very amused, and he wasn't going to be until that Pokeball took in that Gothita. He stepped out of the river, hoping the magikarp would jump off. He waited 5 minutes before it did, and he stuck his hand in the river, quickly scowling. He had a Magikarp on his hand. As he tried to shake it off he fell into the water. Magikarp came swarming to him. His limbs and head were all covered, and he was left floating there. He sighed. Long day.
Meanwhile, Mudkip and Gothita were dodging eachother's tackles and pounds before Mudkip finally got the last hit in. Gothita was sent skidding across the muddy path, injuring her even moreso to the point of knocking her out. She had finally been defeated. Mudkip wearily walked over to her. He waited for Shaun to turn up. By about half an hour, He was fighting Gothita again. She had woken up in that time space, refreshed. Mudkip grumbled before slamming into her. His legs shook. His eyes started to shut. He had wore himself out.
At that exact moment, Shaun had finally got himself free. His head and legs had been covered in saliva and the Magikarp were constantly following him. He looked on the water bed and finally picked up the Pokeball. As he slowly clambered out, he opened the pokeball and emptied it out. It seemed to still be malfunctioning. He threw it up into the air a few times before finally wiping it's hinges clean, although getting them covered with mud and dust in the meantime. He trudged up to the battle. He threw the messy pokeball into the air to taunt Gothita, before catching it, pressing the button and tossing it. She attempted to run back but tripped over Mudkip. It bounced over him andl almost hit her. She pushed it away from both of them. Shaun ran for it, limping. He picked it up, It now being barely describable as a Pokeball with the amount of mud wrapped around it. He turned to the Gothita who could barely move. "Come on, don't make this difficult for me, you stupid Pokemon... You've already defeated all of my Pokemon and I only have one more chance to catch you." He pulled grass out of the hinges of the ball. He wiped off the button. He warmed up his throwing arm. "I promise I'll heal you first thing..." he muttered. "Please just let this work..." he said, before pulling his arm back. He tossed the ball forwards, pressing the button. It hit the Gothita and in a gleam of light the Pokeball shut itself on her, shrinking her to a size suitable for containment, before starting to bleep. It bleeped once. Shaun crossed his fingers, putting Mudkip back in it's Pokeball and dusting it off. It bleeped twice. He hooked the pokeball to it's containment section on his belt. One more beep and he had finally caught the Gothita. Otherwise he would have lost the battle, making Mudkip risk himself for nothing. He closed his eyes tight. He couldn't bear watching the effort Mudkip clearly put into it go to vain. He just couldn't bear it.
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  #2  
Old 12-07-2011, 03:41 AM
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Default Re: Autumn - ready

fdasd I shall grade this! Expect a grade tomorrow.

- Kat
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  #3  
Old 12-09-2011, 05:20 AM
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Default Re: Autumn - ready

The forum lagged. D:

Introduction: The first sentences of the story set the mood quite well. With the rain coming down like a monsoon and both trainer and Pokémon miserable, trying to keep themselves dry, it tells me this story won’t be so upbeat. Aside from the situation, you give us some nice description such as the sound their footsteps make against the mud. However, as for the description of the main character, it could have been spread out further. When one has so much physical description of the character within one or two sentences it detracts from other things you want to describe, such as the characters’ discomfort. I’ll touch more about description later on in this grade.

Plot: There’s something amusing about the whole story being one battle. Normally, it would be quite boring, but Shaun’s constant bout of luck, from getting half-eaten by a Magikarp to practically ruining his Poké Ball with mud and water, provided some amusement. It was humorous and made me chuckle from time to time. Shaun’s inability to catch one small Pokémon ties in with his sour mood at the very beginning. When it came to tying in the rest of the story with the introduction you did a rather good job.

There are some things that distracted from the story. For one, we were never told why Gothita decided to attack Shaun with Confusion in the first place. Since many Pokémon are based off real animals in our world it’s basically a rule of thumb that Pokémon don’t attack without being provoked. There are animals and Pokémon that attack simply because they can, but Gothita doesn’t seem to be this type of creature. Since you mentioned at one point that it laughed at Shaun we might say that she was doing this just for the fun of it. Then again, it’s only a guess because the reason was never stated.

So basically, the Pokémon needs to have a reason for being there and doing what it’s doing in the story. It’s one of the key things graders look at when trying to figure out how the Pokémon is incorporated into the story.

As I said before, the whole story is one big battle, but it begs the question as to why there was a battle in the first place. Sure Gothita attacked Shaun, but she later tried to run away without causing any more damage. Then there’s the case that Shaun actually wants to catch her, and I don’t exactly know why. Revenge? He thinks Gothita is a rare Pokémon? Personally, I would think a person’s fist instinct when attacked in the woods is to get out as soon as possible. As the battle drags on and his Pokémon get more beat up, I would have thought he would have called it quits. It just seems he’s letting his Pokémon get hurt without a real reason.

Grammar/Spelling: For the most part, grammar was alright, but before getting into the nitty-gritty let me just point out that having all of the story’s paragraphs scrunched up together makes it hard to read without highlighting. Instead of hitting the Enter key once, do it twice so you have one full line of space between paragraphs. Remember that you should start a new a paragraph when a new person speaks or you’re switching ideas.

Moving on, the grammar wasn’t bad, but there were still reoccurring mistakes here and there that were distracting. First of all, make sure you proofread your story more than once. There were a handful of spelling mistakes that could have been fixed with some careful reading. When you have a short story such as this one, the mistakes seem worse then they actually are.

Second, let me clarify it’s and its. It’s is the contracted for of “it is”. You can only use it’s if you’re using it in the exact manner as “it is”. For example:

It’s/It is hot in here.

It’s/It is horrible that the bridge collapsed.

Its is the possessive form of “it”. THIS is the one you should be using when you’re talking about an animal or Pokémon. For example:

Its legs catapulted him right into Mudkip’s stomach.

Its tail wagged, and the trainer smiled.

While we’re on the subject of “it” when it came to the Pokémon you switched from calling them “it” to “he/she”. Consistency is important, so pick one pronoun and stick with it. There are certain cases when you can switch, such as when the Pokémon stops being an unknown shadow in the bushes (“it”) to a Pokémon they can all see (“he/she”.)

There was a mistake or two in there concerning dialogue tags, so take a second look at those.

Length: When it comes to quantity, you had just enough. However, when it came to quality, it actually seemed longer than what it was, but not in a good way. The thing with having the whole story revolve around a battle is that it all seems like one big scene rather than a story with an introduction, climax, and ending. In the future I suggest you don’t make your stories one big battle. There are other ways you can incorporate a humorous battle. All you need to do is have a solid plot to back it up.

Description/Detail: I mentioned before that in the introduction the description detracted from the other things you wanted to mention, such as how Shaun felt about the rain. Description is better when you spread it out and let the reader soak it up slowly. Think of it as when your mother gives you chores to do. If she mentions all five chores at once, you’re bound to forget either a chore or the instructions that came along with them. However, if she gives you a chore then five minutes later gives you the second one, you’ll remember them better because you have this space that separates Chore #1 and Chore #2. The same goes for description and detail. The last thing you want to do is overwhelm the reader.


As for how well you did with the description, more could have been done. While you described Shaun quite well you left the surroundings up to our imagination. Since the story centers around a battle that is moving from one place to another the surroundings should be described well enough for the reader to follow. You have the Pokémon jumping from one place to another, so details describing the river, the marsh, and so on will make the battle easier to follow.

Also, it’s a good rule of thumb to describe the Pokémon despite this being a Pokémon forum. Since there are upwards of 500 Pokémon now, a brief description would refresh people’s memories. There are also readers who are not familiar with some generations (I’m practically a stranger to the latest generation, actually. With that in mind, I couldn’t really picture Gothita as much as Mudkip. )

One last thing: what happened to the rain from the beginning? Since there isn’t much description after those first sentences it seemed the rain just disappeared and did not affect the entire battle.

Battle: Well, what can I say? It was the whole story. Like I said, not always a bad thing. It had its funny moments, and the Pokémon actually moved around a lot as opposed to sticking to one small area like in the video games.

Description plays a big role in battles. For example, by the end, you mentioned both Pokémon were really hurt. This came as a surprise because throughout the whole battle you hadn’t mentioned what injuries they had gotten. Description should be gradual and not only for when you’re describing your characters but when you’re describing your battles. It adds a touch of realism and allows the reader to be more involved in the battle.

For such a long battle there weren’t many moves used. You have Water Gun from Mudkip and Confusion from Gothita, but other than that it just seems like they’re tackling and slapping each other away. While Pokémon are perfectly capable of battling like this special attacks are what make each battle unique. A well-timed Solarbeam or Quick Attack can completely change the course of a battle. In URPG stories, Pokémon are not limited to only four moves or the moves they know at a certain level. With natural moves, Tms, and Hms, a Pokémon can do quite a lot. When you have a battle as long as this, some well-described special moves can turn it from dull to exciting. I’m afraid that right now, the battle is somewhat tedious and long-winded.

Outcome: It was borderline, but I’m going to have to say, Gothita not captured! If you fix up the formatting and just iron out the grammar and spelling mistakes throughout I’ll happily give you your Pokémon.

- Kat
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